A Risk not worth taking

Week 5 Results: 6 November 2011

Last night! There were some useless firework puns! The meaning of the phrase club classics was stretched as far as possible! There was more pointless judge drama! The contemporary relevance of this show was emphasised when the best performances were a 1950s tribute and a cover version of 'You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)' on a record that wasn't even spinning!

Still, tonight two acts will be going. Almost certainly not the two any of us would want, but them's the breaks. Plus, I reckon we're now at the halfway point of live shows, so onwards and upwards, eh?

Dermot suitwatch - looks like it has buttons missing and he's buttoned up the one remaining button in the wrong buttonhole. I wonder if his stylist has bets with Tess Daly's stylist each week about who can dress their host the worst.
Judges' dresswatch: Kelly = white dress, looks like she's about to get married. Tulisa: also white, looks like she's about to get married in Romford. Borelow = black suit and tie, looks like he's about to go to a funeral. Louis = shirty partly open, looks like he's joining Arse TAT in no longer giving a shit about this whole sorry affair.

Dermot reminds us of the voting numbers and 'Kashmir' (or 'Come With Me') plays behind them, which it also did last night. Is this a new 'thing' then?

Oh yay! Group song! It makes me laugh that on po-face Factor in the US, there's been a big scandal about how these group songs are mimed, because the Dorien Gray guy forgot the lyrics last week. Like the autotune hadn't given that away already? Am I the only one who actually likes these group songs? I know they're terrible, but that's part of their charm. [It's especially great because they used to do them on American Idol until Nigel Lythgoe came running back to drag it out of the gutter and insisted that they stop that shit right now, so once again X Factor ends up as Idol's less classy cousin. - Steve]

It's 'Price Tag' [most hilariously inappropriate song choice for this show ever - Steve], and we open with Jesy and the woo woo girls. Johnny's autotuner is taking the pee even more by pitching him as high as possible. ArseTAT is wearing a granny jumper and is still auto-out-of-tune. Impressive. SugaBLOKES get the hilarious line about 'music made us all unite', which is very funny if that was a deliberate joke about their shifting personnel. Kitty's forgotten her trousers again. I'm glad that this lot accept this show is not about the money, money, money, because on the US version, all they keep going on about is wanting to 'win 5 million' - seemingly not understanding the difference between 'a $5 million recording contract' and $5 million in actual money. [Actually, if I understand correctly, the prize for X Factor USA is indeed $5m in actual money. Simon made a big deal about that in the run-up to the launch. - Steve]

Dermot reminds us of last night's performances, now with 1000% MORE BACKSTAGE DRAMA for your Sunday night entertainment. Johnny span right round, but not literally, and Borelow declared him an affront. Johnny says Borelow is in a mood. Borelow's always in a mood, Johnny. Kelly says she likes him although she's not sure she would sign him to a record label. I wasn't aware Kelly was in the business of signing anyone to record labels, but I guess anyone can put something out iTunes and claim they own a record label these days.

Janet suddenly got chucked under a bus and looks a bit befuddled offstage. Tulisa says she needs to get back in her box. Tulisa commends Craig for then getting out of his box, except only a little bit. The Risk were boring as all hell and Borelow told them they would only ever be Charlie and the Woo Woo Boys. Marcus was amazing in his audition for Hairspray, which is really what he should be aiming for anyway - can you imagine the dirge they'd give him if he won. Give it to Biscuit and be done with it. Kitty failed to make post-apocalyptic Sister Act 2 happen and ArseTAT failed to give a shit. Louis told him he wouldn't be a rockstar. Backstage, ArseTAT basically says he can't be arsed doing this any more. I think he basically went here the moment he got in the bottom two, and I think he might be about to effect a Katie Waissel style turnaround on me in that now he clearly doesn't give a shit, he might become infinitely more entertaining. Borelow lies that he would never be as rude to anyone as Louis was to Frankie. I think calling Johnny a disgrace and saying he made a mockery of the contest was worse, not least because that would be more true of ArseTAT, but whatever Borelow. Just watch out for flying pebbles when you're sitting in that glass house. Misha was thrown back to the 1970s and the show threw its weight behind trying to make BixMIX happen.

Also, I've decided that seeing as The US version of this show is steadfastly refusing to have fun, despite NotLouis and the stage making some effort, they should send Borelow over there to join Simon and LA Reid in boring old men land to dribble over tedious sub-MOR rock ballads, child acts that should only ever be allowed on '…. Got Talent' shows (which I never watch) and blonde girls doing country-lite. In return, we should fly NotLouis, Paula and Nicole over here, reinstate Dannii (Kelly will never do this show again in a million years), and have Louis, Paula, Nicole and Dannii as our panel. It would be the campest thing ever, but at least it would stop being ashamed of the fact.

Dermot reminds us it's a double elimination and introduces our next group, JLS. We're reminded of a time many, many years ago, when groups actually auditioned for this show as groups, when Louis Walsh was allowed non-joke acts, and when JLS actually released interesting singles. Sadly, their best ever moment and their second best ever moment are absent. Stupid VT.

Their stage set is full of lamps, cry ice and benches as if they've been raiding the props cupboard at Strictly. [One of the lamps isn't even working. Props fail. - Steve] Their new single is all kinds of boring, but they're wearing coats on stage which is at least attempting to get into the spirit of the staging. It says something that the most excitement this performance caused on Twitter was people realising that the earplugs and mics had their colours on. Does anyone know if their condoms are coloured, by the way? I can imagine a lurid green/red/blue/yellow trousersnake would be such a turn-on.

Dermot asks when the new single is out. Marvin says right now, and the album is out 'the week after' - the week after right now? So does that mean the week after Monday, so a bit more than a week after right now, or this Monday, so a lot less than a week after right now? Be specific, Marvin. Also, JLS are on their what, third or fourth album now, and Alexandra's still only had one? Sort it out, Burke.

Dermot talks to the remaining acts through a video link-up. They're in the studio, Dermot, you could just talk to them face-to-face. He reminds Johnny that Funsponge was rude to him last night and Johnny says 'you always hurt the ones you love, Borelow'. [I'm officially bored of Johnny and Gary having a gay off every week? - Steve] He reminds Kitty that her dancing got burned but she says she takes criticism on board. SugaBLOKES miss him asking them if they've done enough. Interchangeable Ash says hopefully and we get to see Derry's boring hair. Misha says she's scared, so does Janet. BixMIX would quite like to win, but they want to emphasise how grateful they are for the opportunity. Craig BISCUIT and Marcus each make a bid for the Liverpool region bloc vote. ArseTAT isn't really interested in your votes.

Ads. Is this the longest we've ever been without a break? M&S have suddenly caused the whole nation to fall out with them because of the abomination of their latest advert. No harpies. Not even Caroline Quentin. No, some generic families pratting about… to the sound, and image, of the last 9 X Factor contestants (it will become a bit amazing if they edit it each week as someone leaves, though). Ashford is featured with The Risk, but I can't wait to see what they've done for the actual finalists' single this year, whether he will be with both them and Nu Bile and have to play 'runaround' on stage when they perform, or whether they're going to Franken them into one huge boy band. Misha gets the pimp slot, which is nice. This must be the worst thing I have ever witnessed… IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? I take it back, the worst thing I have ever witnessed is THIS - an advert for an album of Bruce Forsyth singing. That has to be even less marketable than an album by the Strictly "singers". Or Nu Bile. These adverts need to come with a health warning - I feel genuinely violated.

Dermot welcomes us back, but fails to apologise for the adverts or offer to reimburse us for the purchase of all that brain bleach. Next up: Florence and the Machine (someone on Twitter pointed out that 'the Machine' must have a restraining order to stand out of view of her at all times). Now, I love Florence, I know she's a Marmite act, but I think she's amazing. However, every time I look at her I wonder if she really is an elaborate joke by Noel Fielding where he's pretending to be a forty year old woman pretending to be a twenty-five year old woman ('Florence' is code amongst my friendship group for anyone who claims to be younger than they are) [In mine, it's Lucy Pargeter off Emmerdale. I think this demonstrates the different circles Rad and I move in. - Steve]. Her dress has entered into the full X Factor spirit - it's got a load of what look like sails coming off it, which turn out to be attached to backing dancers as costume. There's then a lot of contemporary dancing akin to maypole dancing with Florence as the maypole. They're literally 'shaking it up' in time with the lyrics. Kitty's gospel choir then emerge in their Next Gen dress uniforms for good measure. I'm guessing you either loved or hated that, but I bloody loved it.
More ads now. I'm still too scarred from the last lot, so I'm off to make a cup of tea.

Results time. Dermot tells us the act with the lowest vote will be going home straight away and then the next two lowest will be in the sing-off. Safe: BixMIX, who promptly lose their shit. Borelow and Kelly grimace at this news. Heh. Also safe: Marcus, Misha (and there sounds like some booing at this, for shame, audience), Biscuit and Frankie who is completely shocked. Borelow has all three acts left, and either Kelly, Tulisa or Louis will definitely only have one next week (or none, in Louis' case) which means he's going to be even more insufferably smug next week. The final act safe is Janet. Louis looks upset. Kitty looks resigned
The act in bottom place is… SugaBLOKES! Tulisa and the boys look stunned, Kitty looks shocked, and Johnny smiles. Heh. The audience boo. Well, you should have voted then.

I'm pretty surprised at this - I expected a SHOCK! BOOT! but really thought it would be Janet. I guess doing a very boring performance of a very boring song midway through proceedings doesn't ever bode well for your chances of staying.

That means BixMIX are the last group standing, and I'm beginning to think they might be the chosen ones this year. Think about it: they probably don't really want a male winner, and given how Janet and Misha have both been thrown under the bus lately, they don't seem to want either of them to win. But a group has never won, and they must be dying for this to happen. A boy band would have to compete with JLS, The Wanted and One Direction. A girl group means no male winner, a group finally wins, and they can pretend it's a victory for feminism because girls no longer hate other girls (be prepared for more self-flagellation from BixMIX in coming weeks). I mean, it's never going to happen, because a group doesn't appeal to the mums, so we're going to get a Marcus/Biscuit top two (every one else has already been in the bottom two/three, or are Janet whom they have no clue how they'd market), but I could see BixMIX coming a solid third.

We see the SugaBLOKES' bits, such as that time when one of them was in another group altogether, and the other ones were solo artists, and then the soloists became part of two frankenbands, and then all three bands went to judges' houses and Tulisa made Charlie sack off his mates in The Keys and sent home The Risk mk1, then brought three of them back and shoved them with Charlie and made The Risk mk2 and that time when Nu Bile got ejected from the show and laughed off the inevitable staying together question, and then that time when Interchangeable Ash 1 left and Interchangeable Ash 2 who used to be in Nu Bile came in, and those weeks when all of their performances were less good than the ones that came before. Fun times! Maybe one of them can join BixMIX next week.

And then they're pretty unceremoniously booted off and we never hear of them again.
More ads. Time for another drink, I feel.

Johnny's up first. He forgets Simon Cowell is no longer on this show and chooses 'Unchained Melody'. It's pretty good, or at least better than any of the millions of attempts the Cowell roster have ever managed, but it's a hella boring song choice, and does sound a bit too much like Gareth Gates in places. He's aIso giving some sidegob. Stay away from Craig BISCUIT, Johnny. I do feel him out coming out in full drag one week was a real missed opportunity - the public would so have got behind that, even if it would have given Cowell and Borelow a gay panic/ fun panic induced heart attack.

Kitty chooses another ballad, 'Beautiful Disaster'. So much for your 'ballid free week', O'Leary. It's competent but it's not very fun. We know you can sing, Kitty, you don't actually need to prove it, just bring some showbiz. The audience shout 'Johnny, Johnny, Johnny' and then 'Kitty, Kitty, Kitty'. I'm glad two acts are going but I'm sad one of them has to be either Kitty or Johnny.

Dermot goes to Louis first, which seems unnecessarily mean, and he promises not to do a Cheryl Cole and wuss out, so he picks the act that is more likely to get a recording contract in the real world and sends home Johnny. Tulisa says she gets along with both of them [oh Tulisa, NO ONE CARES. - Steve] but is going with the act she looks forward to most each week and also sends home Johnny, who, bless him, knows he's going. Kelly tells people to put on a 'real hat' and ask whose album they'll buy and whose career they'll follow - er, none of them? Anyway, she sends home Johnny. Borelow says he would have sent Johnny home too but Johnny is one of the nicest people in the competition. He smiles and waves at the audience. We see his best bits: being set up as a male Susan Boyle, being high-pitched, wearing bacofoil, going Geisha, flirting with Borelow, getting a jazz-bore makeover, being lovely. Louis says he loves Johnny and he sang really well. Dermot asks Louis what Johnny should do next, and in a rare moment of honesty for this show, Louis says 'I don't know' and starts to cry. Johnny gives him a big hug. Johnny thanks everyone for getting behind him and accepting him for being him, and the audience give him a big cheer, which was a much nicer exit than the poor SugaBLOKES were given, and Johnny was very gracious in defeat. I'll miss him.

Next week we have performances from Wan Direction and their magical backing singers, and Lady GAGA. There's a rumour it's a GaGa themed week, but as Dermot doesn't specify this, I suspect it'll be 'Lady GaGa and some other things that are songs' so that only Kitty, BixMIX and Misha get to do GaGa and everyone else does something else. Bet someone does this and claims it as GaGa. Join Helen for all the fun [Fun? Not on my watch - Funsponge Tightpants Borelow] then!