Sunday, November 13, 2011

All of your fanbase are belong to us

Week 6 Live shows: 12 November 2011

Hello and welcome to what has been a jubilant week here at the Bitch Factor, despite being VERY UPSET [/SARCASM] that MrsWatermelon on Digital Spy thinks we are both unfunny and badly written. Through all of this, we were very, very pleased to hear of the golden rulebreaking of ArseTAT and to find that he was indeed out on his inked backside has caused us no end of glee. So this week has got to be good, right? RIGHT?

Oh come on, this is the X Factor.

We begin with a shot of BixMIX standing on four boxes, stood in front of one person. Then the screen goes blank. Then the screen went black and we cut to Goldie. This caused the internet to zing with several wild conspiracy theories. Here are mine.


  • ArseTAT gave the studio and everyone in it some of his special love germs and everyone in the studio was waiting for their antibiotics to kick in.
  • ArseTAT had returned on the rampage because he’d awoken from his shagging and Spumante coma with a modicum of self awareness and realised he was a ratings puppet.
  • The police were searching Johnny Robinson’s house for Gary.
  • The studio collapsed under the weight of awesome caused by the presence of Stacey Duomon.
  • Brave JonJO was holding on to Louis’ legs and weeping.
  • Louis had an actual strop and refused to go on.
  • Tulisa couldn’t read her tattoo properly.
  • Dermot finally realised what he’s done.
  • Dermot called someone buddy and irony broke.
  • Kate Thornton came back, BITCHES.
  • Gary’s Temazepam wore off and they were chasing him around the studio with a giant net.
  • Robbie decided that he wanted to be a judge and they couldn’t remove him from Gary’s seat.
  • Kelly was talking to her Sister Beyonce because she was upset at becoming Mr Z’s 100th problem.
  • Daddy Simon wasn’t finished giving everyone a telling off and Britain could damn well wait for their Saturday night to begin.
And finally, and most unlikely
  • Actual power cut.

What constituted the beginning of the programme was a hastily cobbled together collection of clips interspersed with the X, which actually managed to show nearly all the auditions that were shown in the first six weeks of the show. It had an air of the Everything’s Alright sketch from The Day Today, or that bit in Gremlins two about the end of the world. One could only imagine the terror and actual rolling of heads that was going on behind the scenes. There was even a “normal programming will resume as soon as possible” screen. Oh my.

I miss Goldie. I liked it when she put her leg round Funsponge’s neck. Oh look, its little sixteen year old Janet Devlin. We’re reminded that Johnny Robinson can actually sing. We laugh again as the Duo’s compare themselves to JayZ and Beyonce. We see David Wilder smash it again, Michael Lewis being mad, we see Jade FromFife being AWESOME again, and her awesome crying Nan. We see CruiseSHIP again and I wonder how on earth she got through. Next up we get to mock Margaret Sinclair and her husband again. Oh how the judges laughed!

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ITV1 apologises for the technical problems [no need to apologise, ITV1, it was the most fun I've had in WEEKS - Steve], and then we’re over to the studio.

But we got there in the end. We start proper a mere fifteen minutes late and after the first ad break [I love that they actively prevented us from watching what we'd tuned in to see for quarter of an hour and still made us sit through an ad break. It's like they took the business model of ITV Player and applied it to the broadcast channels. - Steve]. It seems that we’re getting the whole thing, recaps and all, because we begin with Louis getting all high pitched over Misha B, Funsponge telling Marcus that he’d pulled off the performance of the ‘season’, Kelly getting all excited about Biscuit coming out of his tin, Funsponge, yes FUNSPONGE, telling Kitty that she can’t dance and Tulisa throwing Johnny under a bus.

Voiceover man tells us that there were fireWORKS last week and we see my new hero Louis gloriously pwn ArseTAT and speak up for the entire nation by telling him he was shit. We see Gary and Louis bicker like me and my little brother and the SugaBLOKES going home. We also say goodbye to Johnny Robinson again. Good luck Johnny, I for one was glad to see someone on the show that enjoyed themselves so much. We’re reminded about what nine minus two is, but wait! There’s another exit. A DRAMATIC one, and seven became six.

We see ArseTAT pretending to be contrite and telling the others that he doesn’t deserve to be here any more ["any more"? - Steve] and he’s going to miss them all. Cue best shocked face EVER from Jesy BixMIX. I hope we get to see more of that later. The ArseTAT shaped hole is going to be filled with one of the rejects from week one. Jonjo thinks it’s a big chance. No shit! Stacey Duomon are “so emosh”, James Michael’s curly little mind is blown and Amelia Lily is wearing a bow tie, that’s the most important thing here, but she can’t believe she’s been given another chance.

Quick recap of who’s got who now. Tulisa’s got one group left, BixMIX. Louis hopes are all on Kitty BRUCKNELL. Kelly still has Misha B and Janet DEVLIN and Funsponge finally loses one, but has Craig BISCUIT and Marcus DRAWN ON MUSTACHE. Funsponge shows his excellent deduction skills by noting that one judge could be out this weekend, but it’s not going to be him. Well done, Funsponge, you can add up. The nation is very proud of you.

It’s time to face the music! Tulisa knows its crunch time, Louis is coming out fighting, Kelly tells us that it’s Gaga vs. Queen Week and she knows her girls have it in the bag.

Overly long titles? CHECK.

Dermot walks on stage to a remix of Paparazzi. He’s got two dancing girls with him and does what is quite possibly the most irritating dance known to man. Suitwatch – Brownish three piece, maroon tie, pink hankie, poppy. It clashes so much it’s technically percussion. Dermot apologises for the late start, blaming technical issues beyond the X Factor machine’s control, but he lets us start our Saturday night right now. [I would have loved to see Uncle Simon's face when he found out about this. I would pay actual money for the privilege. - Steve]

Dermot reminds us that it’s been quite a week and “Just when you thought it couldn’t get more dramatic, it got more dramatic”. Wow, that’s profound, Dermot. It’s as if Shakespeare wrote that script. He tells us again that ArseTAT is out because that’s always worth hearing. He tells us that one of the acts ditched in the first week will be put in. One of the acts who have never faced the public vote, he is at great pains to remind us. They wave from backstage. We can still vote for them and at least 25p from each call will go to Help the Heroes and the Poppy appeal. [Or you could just give 25p directly to the charities in question and not support this utter nonsense. Just a thought. - Steve]

He then introduces the judges as four people who can’t believe the week they’ve had. Like every other person watching in Great Britain, I am scanning their faces for signs of something wrong. The only two holding hands are Louis and Tulisa. Louis is looking a bit red eyed and is ringing the changes by not wearing a tie. Tulisa does her stupid arm salute and is wearing a dress that looks not unlike two sweetie wrappers stapled together. Kelly has come as equestrian Barbie and does a little dance to We Will Rock You. Funsponge is wearing a tartan tie and does his little nod that irritates me further every time I see it.

Dermot tells us that the theme this week is Lady Gaga versus Queen. Who comes up with these themes? It’s just ridiculous. Each probably have enough songs to go round and they don’t even really go together. I give up trying to make sense of the themes...Now. It’s easier just to go with it, otherwise you end up with a head filled with rage and confusion and it’s an even harder job to watch than usual. DO WHAT YOU LIKE, X FACTOR. I WASH MY HANDS OF YOU. I’m not angry, just disappointed. Dermot tries to convince us that it’s a proper theme by telling us that they’re both era defining, stadium filling artists. So are Tina Turner and Linkin Park, but you wouldn’t have Tina Turner vs. Linkin Park week, would you? [Although, that would be AMAZING. - Steve] Sorry, I said I’d give up trying to make sense of this. I’m done.

The judges are invited to tell us about their week. Dermot asks Funsponge what he thinks about someone coming back. Funsponge thinks it’s nice of him to give the other judges a chance to get back into the competition tonight. Fuck off, Funsponge. Kelly gives him a “face”. Dermot asks them all who they think is coming back tonight. Kelly and Tulisa have a shout off for Amelia and Two Shoes respectively. Louis gleefully says that he thinks Amelia will be back tonight. I love that he doesn’t even care about Jonjo’s feelings, let alone Jonjo [but! I thought of a new name for him now! Jonjo NO1KERR! Eyethangyew - Rad]. Funsponge, knowing full well that James MICHAEL has less of a chance than the other three put together, wisely decides to stay quiet. For once. [I don't know if they'll release the vote totals for this one, but it wouldn't surprise me if James Michael was second. He's sufficiently boring for it to be an entirely valid prospect. - Steve]

Dermot gives us the numbers again for the returnees and tells us that they will be performing tonight. Before we begin the show, though, it’s the bit we’ve all been waiting for. The death of ArseTAT. We are treated to a montage of all the news reports of his exit, which I know is going to make me happier than any of the performances we are going to see tonight.

Let me set the scene. It’s the X Factor house, Tuesday night. ArseTAT, wearing a hoodie, skinny chinos and gymshoes and accompanied by a burly man greets his expectant fellow competitors with a “bonjour”. [Cunt. - Steve] He tells them that he’s decided to leave. Shots of him hugging his housemates are interspersed with no doubt the same speech he gave them, but this time delivered directly to the camera. “My behaviour offstage spiralled a bit out of control”. This moves into voiceover of the speech over film of him leaving the house with his suitcase. “I feel like I don’t deserve to be here anymore. I’m really sorry to all the people that voted for me and supported me. I really feel like I’ve let Gary down but I’m just so grateful he believed in me and gave me this amazing opportunity and I’ll never forget it.” He then gets into a taxi and is OFF OUR SCREENS.

A little note to the producers though – If you are going to give someone a script and make them read it, it may be a good idea to at least try to make it sound vaguely like it might be something they would say? Just a thought. [I loved how much he did not give a fuck. Way to blossom after the relevant moment, ArseTAT - Rad]

We see images from Thursday’s press conference where it was announced that one of the acts that got booted out in week one would be given another chance because there’s no chance of Ofcom getting their knickers in a twist because they were never voted off by the public the judges really believed in them and they never got a chance. Louis hopes the public will pick the right act. Each gets their mini montage of their journey up until their first week ditching. We’ve seen it all before, but Amelia Lilly’s Katy WHO?! Performance is always worth seeing again. I do find myself wondering how James Michael got through in the first place. Jonjo sees his second chance as a lifeline. We’ll see.

Dermot nicks my line and tells us it’s time to get to business. He introduces Louis as the judge who is “literally loving” the theme tonight. Oh Dermot, don’t come over all Brucie on us. He continues that Louis is “Literally Gaga”, who in turn introduces Kitty. We see Kitty sing Beautiful Disaster without irony again. She interviews that she was disappointed to be in the sing off last week and puts this down to not having the same fan base as the others. She tells us that she’s from Cheltenham and her family have started “Operation Kitty” which sadly does not involve sacks and bricks, merely her slightly bemused dad being forced volunteering to walk around the city centre wearing a sandwich board with ‘Vote Kitty’ on it getting people to vote for her. Kitty is so excited that its Gaga week and can think of no better week to ‘bring it’ and that it’s almost like the week was made for her. In a week full of press speculation that Louis is about to spit the dummy, that might just be the case, Kitty. She’s been waiting for Gaga week and she tells us again that she’s excited. Then Louis comes on all sadfaced and tells us that Kitty won’t be able to sing her Gaga song because Misha B has stolen the song that she wanted. We see Kitty crying that she won’t get to sing Born This Way. In a NOT AT ALL SCRIPTED segment, we see Kitty ask Louis what meanie stopped her from singing the song that she was supposed to sing. Louis goes right ahead and rats out Kelly Rowland, saying that they take it in turns to get priority over the songs, but she’s going to be singing Queen. Has nobody told Louis there are other Gaga songs? [I would have thought Bad Romance would be perfect for Kitty, but what do I know? - Rad] She seems to take it well. EVERYONE SEE HOW REASONABLE KITTY IS NOW? Good. [I can't believe everyone was fighting over 'Born This Way' when it's one of the worst Gaga singles. Also, I'm getting a serious déjà vu, and that one was initiated by Louis as well, the little shit-stirrer. - Steve]

Kitty is standing in a Gladiator Carriage and she has control over some dancers dressed as horses. She has the obligatory makeup covering the areas beside her eyes. It’s basically just an extended audition for her inevitable role in We Will Rock You. She does a good job, because she’s Kitty, duh, but the staging and being forced to sing “Missus Fahrenheit” gives the whole thing an air of ridiculousness. The crowd love it though. Judging! Tulisa knows she’s upset that she didn’t get her song, but Kitty needs to know how much that song suited her to a T. I wasn’t aware that there was a sliding scale of things suiting you completely. Tulisa reinventing the English language again there. It was Diva-ish, energetic and camp. Yep, that’s Kitty. Kelly thinks it was a fun performance, but she was thinking that there was one more something to do, then begins to speak in tongues. Funsponge remarks that it’s not easy to be in the bottom two twice, but she’s come out fighting and it was a really good performance. Funsponge also remarks that Louis always picks a good song, but then stealth bitches that if she’s lucky enough to be here next week, then she should try to make a connection with the audience by taking off the makeup and showing how pretty she is and stripping things down a bit, because the less she does, the more people will feel. And people like to call Louis the bitch on the show. That was some stupendous bitching there, Funsponge. Louis continues by saying she’s the best person ever to mentor and he hopes people will pick up the phone and give her another chance. He doesn’t want her in the bottom two again. Neither do we! Dermot can’t believe nobody mentioned the horse dancers. Kelly describes them as ‘Nice’. Kitty, who needs her roots done badly, tells us all that her dad goes out on the street OF HIS OWN ACCORD to garner votes for her.

Break! Dermot threatens us with Craig singing Gaga. Oh deary me.

We’re back! Dermot reminds us of the theme and gives out the numbers to vote for the returnees again. He introduces us to Funsponge, who has been in the thick of it this week apparently. Who knew? He tells us to fasten our seatbelts for BISCUIT, because he’s so excited. BISCUIT tells us that last week was his biggest challenge yet but he had more fun in that performance than his previous one. We see Louis tell him he’s like a little Gary Barlow again. Funsponge wants him to focus on the moving and telling people what his record will sound like. We see him emoting into a mirror and worrying that the competition is hotting up. Funsponge thinks that BISCUIT has shown he can sing anything (in the club style, out of the corner of his mouth) but it’s time to show everyone what kind of popstar he is. [Adele, but with a penis. Next question! - Steve] BISCUIT wants to be unique and have his own style. He’s singing Paparazzi this week and he’s glad to have Funsponge to show him the way, who is apparently feeling the competition too. They’re both trying hard and BISCUIT loves it. Let’s see then.

BISCUIT is standing on a sparkly orange box and is wearing a knuckle duster on his right hand. He’s singing Paparazzi in the club style, wearing a black suit and some very ill fitting trousers. He’s looking very trim though. He changes boy to girl and looks as uncomfortable singing it as the entire nation does hearing it. He needs to enunciate though. I amuse myself throughout the rest of the performance by substituting Paparazzi for Garibaldi.

Funsponge is on his feet. Louis loved the song choice and the arrangement. He knows he hasn’t had a good week because of something unintelligible that sounds interesting, he has great stage presence and still reminds him of a little Gary Barlow. So doesn’t remind him of Funsponge that much, then. Tulisa holds her hands up and admits that that was BISCUIT’S best performance ever, because it brought out the same emotions as his first audition. Kelly asks BISCUIT if he realises how great that was. “That’s the great thing about him” Funsponge brags. Shut it Funsponge, Kelly is talking. Kelly loved the way he put his own stamp on it and made it his. Yes Kelly, he made it boring. Funsponge remarks that he’s playing it beautifully, first showcasing his voice, then his versatility [so versatile! He can Adeleify any song you like! Such fun! - Rad]. So, basically recounting your own masterplan there are we? Nobody mentions the clunky gender change and I weep again for the loss of Dannii Minogue.

Dermot tells BISCUIT that he brought out the big guns, even though he had to see the *gasp* DOCTOR this week and had to miss rehearsal . BISCUIT says he’s been on couch all week. Dermot remarks that he probably didn’t mind that. Gay jokes and fat jokes all in one episode Dermot. Go YOU. BISCUIT tells us that he lost his voice in the week and couldn’t do the rehearsals. Kudos to Funsponge for not milking that for all it was worth.

Dermot threatens us with BixMIX doing Gaga with a twist. After the break. I’m half watching this on STV player and half recording so the ads are a bit jumbled for me, so I won’t bother to comment.

Blah blah, someone’s coming back. Tulisa introduces her “little muffins” BixMIX. [What, no REPRESENTING WIMMINZ EVERYWHERE? - Steve] We see their performance from last week over a voiceover telling us that they can’t believe they’re the last group on the X Factor and they’re a girl group who fully expected to be booted out in the first week. We see everyone shocked that the SugaBLOKES were binned last week. BixMIX seem to take this especially hard. One of the Geordie ones says that it was like a rollercoaster, because it’s always funny to hear a Geordie say rollercoaster. Tulisa is going to put all of her energy into the girls and they’re going to work hard not to let her down because they’re doing it for her too. We see them pop over to Tulisa’s who’s cooked them dinner because she’s like a big sister for them and she’s quite frankly got nothing better to do. The girls all worry about eating the curry goat that she’s prepared, but they all enjoyed the meal and the down time. BixMIX say that they work hard every week but they’re going to take it up another notch again. I would try and explain tautology to them but I fear I would kill myself or them before they got it. We see Jesy have a breakdown in sound check because they work too hard. Tulisa’s confident they’re going to pull it off though.

We see BixMix standing on Perspex Boxes Of DOOM (tm). They’re doing a ballided version of Radio Gaga which turns into Telephone by Lady Gaga and Beyonce. One of BixMIX suddenly looks very like Amelle from the Sugababes. Is she still in the Sugababes? I can’t keep up. The Amelle one does the rap. The staging is fun, but the Neon Vs Metallic outfit choices are questionable, and what is it with the makeup on the side of people’s heads? I understand we have to hide Kitty’s Botox disasters but these are young girls.

The performance over with, Tulisa is on her feet. Louis thinks there’s a gap in the market for a girl band and he likes that they can all sing. He thinks they have a big future. Kelly tells them that they know she loves them, but some of the vocals were a bit shaky at the top but they got into it. Funsponge is disappointed, not in the performance, but that it’s becoming predictable and the song choices too obvious. He’s beginning to associate them with pop-Rn'B songs and thinks perhaps they should try something new. [Translation: "Please do a ballid. I like ballids." Oh, Funsponge. - Steve] It’s more or less exactly what he said to Kitty. Oh Funsponge. You were pretty much the sole writer of three of the best Pop/Rn'B albums of the 1990’s, and look what happened when you tried something different. How about you try S-ing TFU? He thinks Tulisa may be running out of ideas and because he’s such a good mentor and is in the house so much he knows they can sing and perhaps they should be doing something with an acoustic guitar. CAN IT, FUNSPONGE. Kelly backs him up though, and says that their vocals are “a touch away from En-Vogue” and she’s not showcasing this to their best advantage. This statement made me laugh myself virtually into an asthma attack. Tulisa argues back that they’re finding a musical direction, a market and a fanbase. Funsponge then cuts to the chase and asks them if they want to do something different. They all look at each other, bamboozled. He thinks they do, because they don’t answer quickly enough for his liking. The extra blonde one says that they’ve got tricks up their sleeves for later in the competition. Tulisa makes the point that they have done better than any other girlband in the history of the competition [well, only if you use the criterion of not yet being in the bottom two, rather than number of weeks lasted, but see last week's recaps for that - Rad] and makes an angry face. Yeah, in your FACES, Funsponge and Rowland. They have a huge fanbase and she wants the Geordies, High Wycombe and Essex to vote for them.

Dermot remarks that they’ve had trouble earlier but are now happy because they nailed it. I hope this is an allusion to them causing the delay. They’re going to take the judge’s comments on board and they will bring something different next week if they’re still here.

Dermot tells us that it’s getting spicy again. Hardly. Numbers for the returnees again. Yawn.

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And we’re back. It’s worth noting that not one section of this programme is longer than 14 minutes long. We’re back to the girls and Kelly, who Dermot remarks used to think that British people were polite and reserved. It’s Janet.

Oh Janet, for one blissful moment I’d forgotten about you. We see her fluffing her lines last week and Tulisa pointing it out. Funsponge then tells her that she’d lost her identity. So it seems Funsponge has lost his memory from last week as he’s all about everyone not getting stuck doing the same thing this week. Janet had accepted that she was going home last week, but didn’t. We see Kelly wiping away her tear. Kelly wants to take her back to where she started. Janet wants to be herself. We see her rehearsing in a Ramones T Shirt and Kelly wears a gigantic fur and tells us all about how Janet is a sweet little girl from Ireland and how when she’s finished we won’t have a choice about whether to vote for her or not. I know I won’t be, Rowland.

Janet is standing on a box, which seems to be the real theme this week, yelping her way through “Somebody To Love” . It’s unbearably twee. She’s even barefoot. It’s been ballided out of all recognition. She pulls lots of ‘FEELING THINGS’ faces and just when you think it couldn’t get any more saccharine, the violins arrive. The performance goes on for about three years and I can’t help but feel that we could’ve regained some of the lost fifteen minutes here. Louis wipes away a tear and says that it was another captivating performance and that Janet is the most consistent performer. Apart from when she cocked it up last week, right Louis? Louis thinks she’s the person to beat because she has an original voice, she’s a recording star and he can see her in the final. Tulisa congratulates her for going back to what she knows after weeks of telling her to do something different and can see a market and a fanbase for her. What’s with all the fanbase talk this year? Are we doing sponsored words this series? Tulisa’s only issue is that her style is one dimensional and would have to be in a certain mood to listen to her album. Is it ‘Suicidal and in need of tipping over the edge’, Tulisa? Funsponge hates to say it (he loves it) but he’s losing interest in Janet. He knows what a talent she is but tonight’s performance bordered on boring for him. And we all know that when Funsponge thinks something is boring... Louis disagrees. Funsponge thinks that she should treat each performance as a debut of her new single and he doesn’t think she’s putting the correct amount of effort in. He tells ‘Kel’ that he doesn’t know what the answer is, but there definitely needs to be an injection of excitement. Kel tells us that Janet worked hard this week and respects her for going back to her roots. Dermot then says something shockingly sensible about the judges not being happy whether Janet is in her comfort zone or not. Louis is also confused and thinks Janet is amazing. Dermot thinks that she at least deserves kudos for rearranging a well known song. Kelly says that we all fell in love with the simplicity and that’s what she’s showing. Louis ends it all by declaring Janet the Real Deal and accuses Funsponge of being threatened.

Dermot then deigns to let Janet speak. She spouts some crap about finding the middle ground between sad and happy. I find it hard to care. Dermot tells us all that it’s Janet’s birthday and nobody cares.

Back to Funsponge and it’s Marcus! He had lots of fun last week and Gary declared it the performance of the ‘Season’. He’s happy he’s found his identity now. He feels that he might have slipped through the radar a bit earlier on but is happy that people seem to be noticing him now. We are treated again to a montage of his Facebook profile pictures to demonstrate how he’s trying to find his identity. He says he’s found his niche and he’s been inspired by Bruno Mars to dress like Chuck Berry. Good. In the week that Funsponge is banging on about identity, Marcus has found his. Completely coincidentally. Are we clear? Good. Marcus wants to be contemporary and vintage at the same time, mixing old with the new and have a horn section. Fnar. Gary reiterates what Marcus just said. He wants to build on his previous successes.

Marcus sings a version of “Another One Bites The Dust” that sounds like it’s been fed through a Mark Ronson Simulator. He looks sharp though, and he does indeed seem to have found his feet for the first time in the competition. He does a good job as always and I can’t fail to notice that his moustache is real this week [maybe he's doing Movember? - Rad]. Bless him, he’s trying to grow one. I can’t help but feel Marcus may have this in the bag, but wouldn’t be able to bear the smugness of Funsponge if he won.

When it’s over, Funsponge is on his feet. Louis tells him that he always delivers because he has charisma and he’s a class act that lights up the stage. Tulisa loves that he pulled the old school rock and roll vibe out last week, but doing it again has made it predictable and he’s got more variety than that so she wants it changed up next week. Kelly thinks he’s overthinking everything and she wants to see him have more freedom on stage. At least I think that’s what she’s saying, everything seems to be a bit garbled from Kelly tonight. Marcus says he’d work on it. Funsponge disses everything the other judges have said by calling it ‘Tactical critique’ and announces that we are in the presence of a pop star. Dermot asks him what he thought of the tactical critique. He replies that if he needs to look like he’s enjoying himself more then that’s what he’s going to do because he’s loving it. Look at him. Look at his little face. Ain’t he lovely?

Dermot tells us that we’ll have Misha B and the voted in act after the break. At this point, the internet is exploding because STV have announced that it’s Amelia Lily. It also announces that it’s James Michael, but nobody paid any attention to that bit, because we all love a conspiracy. Calm down everyone, they probably wrote every possibility in advance and just put one up a bit early. I suspect they didn’t write one for Jonjo though, not even Louis wants him.

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When we return, Dermot tells twitter to STFU because it was totally a power cut and not any backstage drama, YES? [More's the pity. - Steve] Glad we’ve cleared that up. He tells us that Gaga will be on the show tomorrow. Exciting! He then encourages us to tweet about the X Factor. Wha?

Back to Kelly, she tells us that Misha B is back to tell us why she should be singing her song. Ooh, DRAMA. Misha tells us that singing Proud Mary was one of the best times she’d ever had on stage. Louis tells us she stole the show, she’s back in the race and she’s a serious contender. She’s grateful to be voted back in last week and that she’s got support. We are shown some local news clippings and clips from local radio about how ALL OF MANCHESTER is behind Misha. Misha’s aunt Lilieth tells us that the radio stations are playing her songs and there’s even a banner for her in Asda. She’s also got the support of her local nail shops. HumbleMisha tells us in the voice of an automaton that it means a lot to her that people back home are supporting her, and that she can honestly say that without that, her *points to smile* wouldn’t be there. Oh FFS, STOP RUINING HER, X FACTOR. I preferred her when she was fierce. HumbleMisha tells us that her song touches a special place in her heart. Kelly says she’s back with a bang and she’s going to deliver a killer performance. She’s going to make Manchester proud with her performance.

Born This Way starts out Ballided. Misha is wearing a sparkly blue dress with some awesome shoulder pads with last week’s PVC trousers. Just as we think it’s going to be another Devlin Style Dull fest, the drums kick in, as does a military style dance. It’s simple and it works. They don’t mess with the words either. Misha does a little tap dance. It’s actually brilliant.

Then she ruins it all by turning back into HumbleMisha and finishes by doing a cutsey “Lil old me?” shrug. It ruins it. This show KILLS confident women. Louis looks forward to her performance every week because she always brings something new. She was born to sing and perform. I like how Louis links his critique to the song sometimes. He hopes all of Manchester votes for her and that she reminds him of a little Chaka Khan.

I would like to take a moment out here to bask in the continuing awesomeness of Louis Walsh. I love how he doesn’t care anymore and is just amusing himself by trying to squeeze in all the clichés he possibly can. Good on him, I’m glad someone is having fun here.

Tulisa thinks it was an amazing rendition of the song. Misha now looks like a turtle trying to retract her head, such is her desire to look humble. Tulisa comments on how good the vocal was and how it sounded amazing. Funsponge calls her a class act and makes reference to the fact that he’s such a good mentor and is always in the house by saying that he always sees her with her headphones on, looking at her computer and researching, whilst others are texting and sleeping. He commends her attitude. Kelly thinks Manchester better pick up the phone cos IT’S MISHA B. Dermot makes reference to Louis making another comparison, then asks Misha what it was like to go back to Manchester. Misha tells him that ANY FULE NO that she didn’t actually go home, it was just a film about how much Manchester loves her and what a humble homegirl she is. She says “Please vote” and lifts up her shoulders and just stops short of putting her finger on her chin. Dermot asks her what she thinks of the comments and she is ACTUALLY TWIRLING HER SKIRT ROUND HER FINGER as she says if she’s lucky enough to be here next week she’ll continue to better herself. Dermot makes reference again to how hard she works on her computer on YouTube and she spouts some guff about how you should look to others for inspiration and you can always grow as a person. I HATE WHAT THIS SHOW HAS DONE TO THIS GIRL. THIS HAS GOT TO BE SOME KIND OF HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATION. She sways from side to side as Dermot reminds us to vote.

After the break! Who’s through? Competition, Adverts...

Back in the studio, it’s time to be completely unsurprised that Amelia Lilly got through. She’s sixteen! It’s padded out for as much tension as possible. She’s got 48% of the vote and Kelly jumps to her feet and does a very ungracious victory dance. Amelia’s been so emotional backstage and thanks everyone for voting. Dermot remarks that she’s had a mad 48 hours. She agrees. We see her X Factor journey. Yawn. Audition, wanting to be a star since she was a little girl, Miami, Katy WHO?! First live show, being booted off, heart ripped out, blah blah blah. She interviews that she can’t believe she’s got another chance. Kelly says she deserves her place in the competition, she has an amazing voice and she’s there to fight. Makes me wonder why you chucked her off in the first place, eh? Amelia wants this more than ever and is going to prove it. Come on then, show us!

She shows us by singing “The Show Must Go On” standing on (SURPRISE) a box, wearing a leather corset and a see through skirt. She belts it out, with little to no understanding of what the song is about. Nicole Kidman managed it better through coughing up blood on Moulin Rouge. It’s full of grimaces and emotive air grabs. It’s technically good, but ultimately soulless. Some fireworks to go off to inject some excitement. It doesn’t work. I’m bored. NEXT!

The judges seem to be moved though. Louis welcomes her back and doesn’t know where her vocal comes from , even though she’s now seventeen. He wants her to go far in the competition. She kind of already is, isn’t she? She licks her teeth the entire time he’s talking. Tulisa remarks she must be in shock, but is impressed that even without time to hone her craft she’s come in at the same level as the others. This shows she deserves to be here, and she’s happy for her because she knows how much she wants it. Been borrowing Uncle Louis’ big book of clichés have we, Tulisa? Funsponge also looks a bit red eyed and he’s impressed at all she’s achieved in the last 48 hours. Then Funsponge makes it all about him and tells her that he knows from his experience in his hugely successful and lucrative manband career that the GBP love a comeback. Kelly can’t say much beyond Amelia’s name, but remarks that she means SRS, not serious, but SRS BIDNIS. She loves it, and welcomes her freakin’ back.

Dermot asks her where her head is and calls her hun. Oh Dermot, you know that doesn’t work. Amelia is so happy and grateful. He asks her what it’s like to be back on the stage after being cruelly robbed. She can’t say much beyond telling him about her shaky legs and saying AMAZING. He asks Kelly how she’s feeling and she does a HumbleMisha pose and says “bless my cotton socks”, clearly misunderstanding what the phrase is actually used for. She’s so happy and counts off her acts in Funsponge’s face. Love it.

Public vote is open, recap of what we've just seen... You know, the usual. I don't know if we'll ever get an explanation of what happened tonight, but I know I had enormous fun making stuff up. Join me tomorrow to see if anything is clearer. I doubt it will be.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

The Xfactor official site actually posted that Amelia was the one returning before STV....

Stupid fix of a show.

Love the blog!

Helen said...

Thanks! I didn't know that about the X Factor site, thanks for letting me know.

Michael Ferns said...

Unfunny and badly written? More like hilarious and really well written!! Will always remain a faithful fan to your blog!! Keep up the good work! :D

Anonymous said...

Enjoyed your blog very much. stuart heritage's blog at the guardian is so mundane now so fresh air to find this blog.

Helen said...

Thanks Michael!
Anonymous - There's room for all the blogs. I think that Stu Heritage does a marvelous job of live blogging, something which I would find really difficult.

Anonymous said...

I don't care what theme they choose to not follow each week so long as big band week is never allowed to return.

Helen said...

The first rule about forgetting Big Band Week is not to talk about Big Band Week.

monkseal said...

BIG BAND WEEK IS AMAZING. BIG BAND WEEK BROUGHT US MAW LIDDLE DIANA ON A SWING! BIG BAND WEEK BROUGHT US THE GLORIOUS ROBOLEONA'S GREATEST PERFORMANCE! BIG BAND WEEK GAVE US SOMEONE ELIMINATED FOR STABBING SOMEONE! BIG BAND WEEK GAVE US MEATY MINGE ROLLING ROUND IN STOCKINGS AND SUSPENDERS! BIG BAND WEEK BROUGHT ALEXANDRA A PERSONALITY! BIG BAND WEEK MADE A GREAT BIG TIT OUT OF SIDESHOW ASHLEY! BIG BAND WEEK GAVE US HANKY PANKY! BIG BAND WEEK GAVE US RACHEL HYLTON'S GLORIOUS 30 SECOND PAUSE! BIG BAND WEEK ELIMINATED KERRY MCWHEELCHAIR AND FUTUREPOOF AND (ALMOST) DANIEL EVANS! BIG BAND WEEK GAVE US LOUIS' GLORIOUS "ERMMMMM...DAVID COOK DID IT ALREADY!" PWNAGE OF SIMON! BIG BAND GAVE US SAME DIFFERENCE SINGING S CLUB!

(Admittedly the one in Series 6 was boring and rubbish)

BUT STILL! WASH YOUR MOUTHS OUT! WHAT HAS "SONGS FROM THE MOVIES" WEEK EVER GIVEN US?! GUMMO?! PFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!

Helen said...

BIG BAND WEEK GAVE RAY QUINN IDEAS.

The defense rests.

Kitty said...

Who said Bitch Factor was unfunny? Has Borelow taken to reading this blog?

Earendel said...

I have been catching up on your most excellent blog - it's great to see none of you have lost your caustic powers of analysis. :) Every week is like an acid etching on the show - love it.
I do agree with you about X Factor 'taming' confident, feisty women contestants. The ones they laud (Leona and personality enema Rebecca Ferguson for e.g.) are like something out of.... well, I was going to say like something out of an Austen novel, but in fact, characters like Lizzie Bennett and Emma have far more chutzpah than those two. But as you point out, the minute one of them shows evidence of having a mind and will of their own, they have to be lobotomised like this. Apart from Cher Lloyd, I guess, but I maybe confusing confidence with bare faced arrogance.
Anyway, looking forward to more blogs please. I know the results show isn't up yet - but Farewell Kitty - I thought you were fab in the end and I'm sure it's not the last we'll hear from you. A gracious loser who didn't blub like most others, you can hold your head up high. x

thiago said...

the thing about confidence:

1. it's a good thing when you like the act
2. it's arrogance when you don't like (and that's how this blog treats cher lloyd)

i hated misha b's take on born this way. the backtrack was almost the same she used in rolling in the deep, and she sung with fake smiles and cuteness. where is the sharpness?

kelly needs to go. wtf with the voices she does?
I LOVE LOUIS and kitty will be missed.

dussus said...

No rush for the Sunday night write-up. It's not like I'm sadly addicted to your blog and have been sitting at home, clicking refresh every half an hour (translation: it's exactly like this. Please hurry).

I'm sure you guys have other things on your mind. Hell, I'm still halfway through my review of Vickers' laryngitis week but you have to understand that I'm genuinely stuck in last weekend until I read your results recap.

Becs said...

Yup, I'm with Dussus, actually I don't bother watching the x factor anymore, its total rubbish (not tuned in since Funsponges handbag rummaging escapades) I just read this blog instead and catch the performances you guys thought were interesting on YouTube (not the official x factor YouTube obviously - part of the appeal is the lack of six thousand adverts) I love this blog and I'm glad I'm not the only one who worries about Dermots ill fitting suits.......one day soon a particularly bad one will throttle him in the crotch area mid faketerview........ahhh one can only wish, it'd be great telly.......Cowell take note! Next year instead of x factor - xxl factor, the show where dermot tries on increasingly small trousers and the audience vote on which size they think will make him infertile.

Helen said...

Thanks everyone! Results recap is now up, I apologise for the delay.