The bus hits the Jan

Top 6 Results

27 November 2011

Welcome back! Last night BixMIX were beautiful no matter what we say. Which is probably the equivalent of Cher Lloyd saying ‘you’re a hater, just let it go’, even if it was presented as a victory for REAL WIMMINZ EVERYWHERE. Marcus was competent but a little dull, as per every week except when he did Reet Petite [He's Marcus McElderrey,isn't he? - Helen] , the ‘real’ Misha was allegedly back, except… not really, Amelia LILY stood with her legs a mile wide and shouted, Janet gave both the best and worst performances of the night (incidentally, the pre-credits recap emphasises her screwing it up, as if the past few weeks haven’t reeked of the producers screaming ‘Why won’t it die??’ repeatedly), Carol Decker called Borelow a twat via Twitter and I was encouraged in my current quest to gain as many degrees as possible by one of our wonderful anons, which was very supportive of them.

Tonight! Olly MURS will be back to make us be grateful for this current lot of finalists. Oh goody.

Dermot suitwatch: ill-fitting, but at least he’s gotten rid of the waistcoat. He tells us that ‘it is tits in here’. You might think he means tense, but given Olly MURS and Jessie J are about, not to mention our glorious judges, I wouldn’t be so sure. Dermot babbles some more about nothing (seriously, how can he get worse year on year? He’s getting as dotty as Bruce Forsyth, about five decades too soon).

Dermot reminds us not to text but implores us to phone or use the red button. I can safely say my fingers are going nowhere near any voting mechanisms for this sorry show.

Hilariously, Dermot introduces our next guest by saying they’ve duetted with some greats: ‘the Barlows, the Williamses, the Bublés’. Not sure if this is a sign that Gary’s people were annoyed with Kelly’s uber-pimpage last night, or Dermot’s attempt at a burn on Olly given Alexandra’s duetting with Beyoncé will forever and always be this show’s high duet point. This show confuses me sometimes. Anyway, it’s professional gurner and all round twat (sometimes in a hat), Olly MURS who is here with the Muppets, and you can insert your own play on words joke on the lines of that theme.

Twitter exploded at this point during the show with outrage at the Muppets desecrating themselves [I was disappointed in them - Helen]. But Fozzie had legs and some of the voices were wrong, so I think we all need to console ourselves with the fact that this was obviously not the real Muppets, rather some wily puppet chancers. The real Muppets would far rather duet with Jedward anyway. Or Wagner. Or Goldie. There’s no way I am subjecting myself to a repeat watch of Olly’s terrible, terrible song (featuring too little of the "Muppets", aside from a rather cute bit where Fake Statler and Waldorf sit in Louis and Gary’s chairs, which would definitely be an improvement, judging wise). Honestly, every single hateful waste of a contestant this show has subjected me to over the years, from Eoghan QUIGG, to HUMBLE Danyl to Meaty MINGE, I would take every single one of them performing every day for a whole year over five minutes of Olly MURS, such is my rage for his forced ‘cheeky chappy’ nonsense. You may have gathered that I’ve not bothered with The Xtra Factor this year.

Dermot asks Fake Miss Piggy what she thinks of Olly. She makes a noise. I choose to believe that this means she hates him. She plugs the new Muppets film. [Which isn't out over here until February. Pointful! - Steve][It's got Jason Seagull in it. I like him - Helen] Dermot shills Olly’s new album (how has he got a second album when Alexandra still hasn’t??) and arena tour and tells him they are ‘proud’ of him. I, however, am thoroughly ashamed of my nation that, of all the solo male X Factor contestants, he is the one that is still a pop star.

Another recap of things that happened a long time ago in a land far away along with backstage bitching. Louis’ criticisms of BixMIX are shunned by Borelow who says ‘Louis Walsh is nothing’. There was a time we agreed. My how weird this year has been that Louis should be the judge we most commonly agree with these days. Janet forgot the words and this is emphasised again, just in case you hadn’t got the message that her time was up. Misha gave Gary goosebumps, Lazy POSTMAN ‘could win this competition’ (God help him), Amelia had another comeback. BixMIX lost their backing track and the judges lied that their caterwauling was the best performance they’d ever done, the judges still didn’t like Janet even when she was quite good, but lied that Misha had her best week, Marcus was a bit dull but the judges loved it – of course they did, that kind of thing is what BORELOW lives for, and Amelia had yet another comeback.

That over, you would expect some ads. After all, the show has been going on for fourteen minutes. But NO! We’re due another special guest. Jessie J has apparently sold 8 million singles. Really?? Sadly, the VT illustrates how her one album trajectory has already demonstrated the law of diminishing returns. I love Do it Like a Dude, nonsense lyrics and all, I don’t mind Price Tag, and this new single is a piece of turgid sub-X Factor winner’s second single nonsense. And don’t get me started on that piffle with James Morrison on Strictly the other week. Dermot thanks her for ‘finally’ being here, even though barely anyone had heard of her this time last year. She then Janet-terviews that she writes ‘honest’ music and Dermot tells her she was with Tulisa as judges’ houses and asks who she is backing. She stutters a bit before remembering the party line. She’s supporting BixMIX, of course, and also calls them ‘little muffins’. Please can you stop trying to make ‘little Muffins’ happen, show? [Little Muffins are rubbish, aren't they? The whole point of muffins is that they're huge. Crap name on so many levels - Helen]

Ads now – after twenty whole minutes. That must be a record, surely? Also: the M&S ad solves the problem of no more BISCUIT by throwing some Amelia LILY at it. Surely just more Lazy POSTMAN or BixMIX would have been better, given that any one of the girls could go home this week (unless Janet’s in the bottom two, then Janet’s going home).

Time for the charity single, raising money for a charity for terminally ill children. I can't rewatch the VT for cynicism purposes, sorry, having had friends experience the loss of a terminally ill child this year, all I can say is do give to hospices and charities that support families in this way as our local hospice, Bluebell Wood, did amazing things for them. And it goes without saying that you can donate to these charities without buying the X Factor single.

The single itself is a cover of Rose Royce's 'Wishing on a Star', with our contestants in white with a starry background because they are angels, as is always the case in these charity songs. It's entirely mimed, and given it was recorded weeks ago, it's interesting to see who is pimped - all four girls, including Sophie, for reasons I cannot fathom; Little Mix, especially Perrie; Marcus and Kitty. Biscuit gets to duet with Johnny and Johnny's vocal dominates, although Biscuit gets a solo line later. 2Shoes, James MICHAEL, Sammi CRUISESHIP, Jonjo No1KERR and Nu BILE are barely seen, to the point where although I can make out the groups at the back, I'm not even sure the others were there (Frankie was definitely not there) and it looks like Interchangeable Ash is with SugaBLOKES this week, who get one line - which Charlie sings, obviously. Then there's a really unnecessary bit with JLS and One Direction coming out to boost sales, even though they just get to join in the chorus with everyone else. It's all very weird, and I even prefer the M&S ad. Dermot tells us that George Osborne (Boo!) has waived the VAT on the single, but more profits would still go to the charities if you bypass the single altogether and go straight there.

Olly MURS related competition. Like I haven't suffered enough.

Ads. Now that's the show I'm used to.

Dermot welcomes all the acts back for the results, with Kelly and the girls centre stage because it's obviously an all-girl sing-off, and the only tension comes from which of them it might be. Safe are: Amelia, so the rest of this bit is a formality, as is the sing-off, but Marcus and BixMIX are also through, like you didn't know that was coming. At least now BixMIX can genuinely say they're the girl group that got furthest. [It's a shame that the show's been using it erroneously for so many weeks that it's lost all meaning. - Steve] Will it be next week when they stop saying they're the best girl group EVER and start bringing out the best group ever line? They were using that one on Wand Erection way before this point last year I think.

Dermot asks Janet how she's feeling. Janet says she was expecting it. Dermot tells Misha she's been here before. Misha's all 'yeah right, thanks for rubbing that in'.

More ads. I guess that first section was a bit too much. Oh look, more Olly MURS. This entire episode is killing me (but not softly) with his song.

Janet's first on in the sing-off and is doing 'Chasing Cars', which is about as 'edgy' and 'unknown' as the Chili Peppers. But I've mostly given up hating on Janet now, seeing as she's so clearly doomed. Her Twitter page may still make her look like a giant douche, but she is only seventeen, and at times has really seemed it this series - who didn't know an over-earnest seventeen year old (I may have been one myself). I work with young people as a day job, so sue me for sometimes being a softie. [Her exit interviews - oops, spoiler - made me warm to Janet enormously. She's pretentious as hell, but at least she has the excuse of being a teenager. I'm not sure what Lazy Decorator's excuse was. - Steve] As for the performance itself, it's kind of in the middle of her performances - it has too many annoying affectations in places, but it is at least mostly in tune.

Misha's doing Irene Cara's 'Out Here On My Own', which is a bit dull, albeit well sung. Oh Misha, this series just turned you into a boring diva, and yet you promised so much more. [Stupid X Factor ruins everything. - Steve]

The audience shout for Misha, because anyone who shouted for Janet would be taken out back and shot given Simon Cowell in no way wants her on his record label. Over to the judges. Louis says he's keeping the person who wants it the most, so sends home Janet. Tulisa (in a really unflattering frock with the sides cut out around her shoulder area) takes into consideration who will 'sell out arenas' (clue: no-one) [except BixMix, obviously, because all those women they represent will want to see them - Steve] and sends home Janet. Instead of going to Borelow, Dermot goes to Kelly and reminds her if she sends Janet home, Janet goes, but if she sends Misha home, Gary gets to vote. Kelly says 'I hear you' and as she's about to decide and does her customary 'they're both wonderful' babble, in which she praises Janet for 'picking up instruments' like that's a rare thing. She does the 'I can't make a decision' thing and Dermot then gets a bit weird and says 'if you don't make a decision, no matter what Gary says, Janet is going home now'. Is this one of those new rules they instigated in the light of Saint Cheryl throwing a hissy fit every time she had two acts in the bottom? [They did the same thing to Paula Abdul on X Factor US. I think it's basically the producers saying "if you don't vote now, we're not coming back to you later", so by abstaining, Kelly had reduced it to a three-way vote instead of a four-way, and since Janet already had two, there was no point in asking Gary. More so than usual, I mean. - Steve] Dermot pushes her to abstain and so she does, even though she knows this is effectively a vote for Janet, and Janet goes home. You can hear the producers' 'finally' from here.

We see Janet's best bits. The bit where she was blonde and frizzy, her faking humility, her being from Ireland, lots of crying, terrible hipster-ness, going red, losing some frizz, doing some dreary performances, then starting to embrace the theme weeks properly, albeit chaotically and spending several weeks dodging buses. Except there was barely any singing in any of those clips. Maybe we should be grateful for small mercies.

Dermot then asks Gary who he would have sent home and he says Janet. Dermot asks Janet how she's feeling. She says confused but she can't wait to get off the show! HA! She wants to get her music out, apparently. Dermot and Kelly remind us that Janet's audition was amazing. Even though she's grudgingly grown on me lately, it really wasn't.

Dermot tells us to prepare for a 'screamathon' next week, as Amelia LILY stands even further apart and hollers to the moon, Misha probably performs another dreary BALLID, and Perrie and Jesy's battle to be the Queen of REAL WIMMINZ continues. Oh and Justin Bieber will be here. And Marcus might turn up as well. Note that Dermot does not repeat last year's mistakes by telling us whether or not who progresses to the final will be down to 'our votes' presumably so they can decide on a whim looking at the voting results like they did last year (TescoMary Neva4get). Join us then for all the fun.