Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Literally Gaga

Week 6 Results – 13 November 2011

Hello and welcome to the recap of what on paper sounds like it should be one of the best X Factor results shows EVER, as long as you exclude several of the contestants and One Direction from the running order.

Dermot does that irritating walking introduction thing. Suitwatch – Blue two piece, brown tie, ill fitting as is the norm. He tells us that last night we voted in Amelia Lily, who is standing in a line up with the other contestants, to show that she’s joining the competition with them. He tells us who the contestants are, because not only does last night’s show need recapping, we need reminding who the contestants are. The contestants have obviously been told to face forward staring straight ahead and their order of line up after Amelia Lily is: Misha B, Janet, Marcus, Biscuit, Kitty and BixMix. Tonight, one of them will leave the competition for good and definitely won’t be returning in some kind of hastily cobbled together phone vote.

Last night! Kitty and the horsedancers! Biscuit on a podium! Marcus throwing glitter! Misha doing a tap dance! The birth of HumbleMisha, Funsponge trying to Bus BixMix and Janet, Funsponge giving sideeye to Louis, Kelly getting all up in Funsponge’s face and the return of Amelia Lily.

The acts are counted down AGAIN, which seems a bit unnecessary, and this week’s maths lesson is seven minus one is six. But before all that, we have Wand Erection and the BIGGEST POPSTAR IN THE WORLD, Lady Gaga. We see a clip of Gaga singing Poker Face and I can’t help thinking a trick has been missed by nobody Balliding that last night [I'm glad. I hate it when Gaga herself ballids it without this lot starting - Rad].

Tulisa bellows “All hell is breaking loose” at the camera backstage and it’s time to face the music! Funsponge isn’t scared that Kelly has three acts and Kelly does the Three Acts Dance.

Dermot comes bounding in, clapping himself and he welcomes us to the results show, which all seems rather unnecessary as he’s already told us and the voiceover man has. He tells us it’s going to be an exciting night because Wand Erection are here for the first time since last year’s final and we all need to get our earplugs. Unusual insight into the quality of the musical acts there, Dermot. Lady Gaga apparently has a huge exclusive for us too. Exciting! Dermot wonders how we are going to follow that. He tells us that they can with the result. I’ll believe it when I see it. Dermot explains how it all works again.

Dermot then introduces the judges by telling us that they have endured “Heartbreak, illness, fall ins and fall outs, replacements and very, very bad impressions.”. What’s a fall in, Dermot?

The judges arrive. Again, only Tulisa and Louis are holding hands. Funsponge begs for some applause as usual. Louis Walsh is in a plain black suit. Tulisa is wearing a long sleeved, sequinned dress that can only be described as a monstrosity so we are spared her silly salute. Kelly is in a black, high necked chiffon blouse that makes her look a little bit like she’s inside one of those bags you get wedding favours in and Funsponge is wearing a tartan suit with a spotty hankie in the pocket. Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t do edgy, Funsponge. He grubs for more cheers and gets them. Don’t encourage him, X Factor Audience.

More maths. We know, Dermot. There are seven acts left and if you take one away there will be six and we know that we have to vote. Don’t text! Dermot can’t keep his gigantic feet still as he reads out the numbers and I get the feeling that this is something that can’t be unnoticed.

Now, singing as if their lives depended on it, which it apparently does, is the X Factor finalists! If I knew they were going to die if they got chucked out I’d possibly have voted a bit more. Oh well! Group song! It’s Walking on Sunshine, which is given an Urban Twist purely by virtue of the fact that BixMix say “One, two, three, let’s go!” before it starts. [I'm surprised they didn't do the Gamu version. I thought that was the only version that this show recognises any more. - Steve]

BixMix, Kitty and Marcus are on boxes, with Janet and Biscuit up front. I can’t see Amelia Lily or Misha B, but I’m sure they’re somewhere. It starts out as a duet between Janet and Biscuit, which surely would open up some kind of gateway to Dull Hell? It doesn’t though, because soon Kitty and Marcus take over and it gets a bit awesome and significantly less autotuned. Misha B and Amelia Lily appear from nowhere and take over. BixMix do the chorus. Amelle BixMix and Zool BixMix get the lion’s share of the chorus, but Jesy’s singing face gets a fair amount of screen time. The camera then remembers other BixMix as they all sing together for the final chorus. They all hold their final poses for a couple of seconds longer than necessary. They’re all smiling bar Janet who for some reason looks mightily pissed. Maybe someone stepped on her foot? [Or it could just be the giant number 57 bus they've been chasing her down with the last three weeks - Rad]

Recap of last night with additional comment section. Kitty tells us backstage without blinking that she wants to be on the stage for the rest of her life. Funsponge grudgingly admits she was good and she never disappoints. Biscuit tells us he couldn’t be happier with his performance and Funsponge tells us that he always delivers and never lets him down. Bixmix all talk at once, but Other Bixmix says that they’re just having fun, whilst Amelle BixMix checks her eye makeup in the camera. We see Tulisa rightly tell Funsponge backstage that it’s ok for Biscuit to do a ballid every week apart from club week. Funsponge tells her that BixMix can do a ballad any week she wants. Tulisa tells him that he’ll see this week. Funsponge says that she’s listening to him now so Tulisa tells him to have fun with his ego in his dressing room, whilst Louis looks on and does the most perfect “Ooh!” face ever. Brilliant. Janet tells us backstage that she got mixed feedback, but she enjoyed it. Kelly doesn’t know what happened because she felt that it was just an alright performance. Funsponge says he felt himself nodding off during it. [Like hell you did, Funsponge. You adore boring shit and, I can't believe I'm sticking up for Janet here, but you all said get out of your box, so she did, then you told her to get back in it, which she did - the girl can't do anything right by you. This does not mean I've started liking Janet, but at least be consistent, judges - Rad]

We see Louis telling Marcus that he was brilliant backstage and that he’s a postman because he delivers every single week. I’m sure Louis Walsh is going to patent the Louis Walsh Drinking Game and make his fortune. [Also, I know Royal Mail aren't quite as efficient as they used to be, but if Louis's postman only delivers once a week, that might be an issue he should raise with their customer service team. - Steve] HumbleMisha lifts up her shoulders and cocks her head and tells us how much she loved being back on that stage performing and having the chance to perform in front of millions. Funsponge says that Misha B is good, but his boys are better. YAWN. Finally, Amelia Lily says it’s unbelievable to be back. Funsponge thinks she’s come back fresh and smashed it tonight.

We have to wait for the results, because now it’s time for Wand Erection! We are forced to endure their X Factor journey again, complete with “ZOMG we’re in the final” platitudes. “NUMBER ONE DEBUT SINGLE” is up for a second longer than it has to be, presumably because that’s their only achievement. Oh no, they’re “FASTEST SELLING SINGLE OF THE YEAR” too and just so they’re not left feeling inferior, they get a “TONIGHT THEY’RE BACK” too. I don’t think “on the stage” counts as an achievement for an act, but the poor lads need to take whatever they can get. As they arrive on stage, I’m momentarily confused, because the Curly haired, clean Kyle Falconer one has straighter hair than normal, and the straight haired angry one is sporting a look that can only be described as “scrunched”. Jailbait Erection looks bewildered and his ear monitors make his ears stick out. Zayn Erection manages to miss every single note, even though the law of averages state that he must hit at least one by accident [Aww, gawdbless the Zaynwreck - Rad]. I don’t know why tiny Nicholas Hoult Erection is there. They can’t even clap in time, and every stage trick in the book is used to cover the fact that they can’t hit the high notes, including fireworks, lasers, smoke, confetti and booms.

Meanwhile, at the disingenuous table, the judges give them a standing ovation. Dermot arrives back on stage and notes the hair swapping. He tells them that it’s great to have them back and asks them how they’re feeling, like he’s Dave Berry or something. NoLongerCurly Erection says that it feels like home to be back on the stage and with the crew. Dermot asks them who they like and Tiny Nicholas Hoult Erection says BixMix. Dermot replies to this with something unintelligible about Tulisa. He quickly adds that the single and album are out next week.

The stage is covered in red confetti, so Dermot goes over to a clean corner for everyone’s favourite section. Yes, it’s the awkward satellite linkup from ten feet away! Amelia Lily gets probed first. Dermot congratulates her on her return. She feels incredible and she’s so grateful for being voted in that she doesn’t want to go home again so keep voting. Janet is still sadfacing behind her. Chin up, Janet! Kitty next! Dermot remarks that it’s a big night for her because Gaga is here. He asks her how excited she is on a scale of one to ten. Kitty ignores the question and goes on about how emotional it all is for her because she’s inspired her to be who she is, whilst Amelia makes a face behind her. Dermot asks Misha if she thinks she’s done enough this week. She can only hope she’s done enough and begs everyone to pick up the phone. Dermot then asks Janet how she felt about her performance. She says she liked it when she was doing it but she watched it back and she didn’t like it any more. See people, she even bores herself. This makes Marcus laugh and I like him a bit more. She witters something about an adrenaline rush, then it’s over to Marcus. Marcus gets a massive scream as Dermot tells him he’s found his niche and asks if he’s happy with his performance. Of course he is, and he promises us another big one if he’s kept in. This makes Biscuit, and me, giggle. Dermot remarks on Biscuit’s good feedback and asks if he’s confident. He says he’s proud of his performance but is DEFINITLEY NOT CONFIDENT. Have we got that? Finally, BixMix. Dermot remarks that they’re Wand Erection’s favourite. Amelle BixMix says that this is “fine” and that they’re a bit nervous, but they can see where Funsponge is coming from, but they just want to have fun, because they’re girls that wanna have fun and REPRESENT WIMMINS EVERYWHERE.

Dermot tries to inject some excitement by announcing a five minute warning, and promises us that Gaga will be here soon. Adverts!

Dermot welcomes us back by the judges table. The lines are closed now so it’s time to chat to the judges. Dermot observes that the tables have turned for Kelly and Funsponge, because one had two acts an now has three, and vice versa. This is why they keep Dermot, sparkling observations like this. Funsponge says that he’s not talking to Kelly and is now enjoying Louis’ company. Kelly turns her chair away from Funsponge and says that she’s turned her chair away from him. Dermot observes that anyone enjoying Louis’ company is a shocker, when everyone now knows that Louis is by far the best thing in the whole shambles these days. Dermot points out to Louis and Tulisa that they both only have one act left and they could be out tonight. Tulisa hopes the fans of BixMix vote. Louis says that Kitty was brilliant but he’s worried he could lose her.

It’s Gaga time! According to Dermot she’s flamboyant and unique, and just happens to be one of the biggest popstars of all time. No, Dermot, she’s one of the biggest popstars of all time BECAUSE she’s flamboyant and unique. She’s doing an exclusive of her new signal.

As if to mock Wand Erection’s paltry accomplishments, the bragging screens for Gaga are “100 MILLION SINGLES SOLD”, “3 BRIT AWARDS”, “5 GRAMMY AWARDS” and “MOST DOWNLOADED ARTIST IN HISTORY”. [I still maintain they should have said things like "AMAZING", "FLAWLESS" and "HATERS TO THE LEFT". - Steve]

Gaga is singing to us from a confession box, which is exciting for us because the camera can zoom into it, but I can’t imagine it’s all that fun for the studio audience. The curtain is opened and Gaga is singing in a costume which makes her look like giant carrying her own head. Her face looks a bit uncomfortable but the overriding feeling I have is that the whole thing just makes the contestants look like what they are – substandard trainee popstars. Seriously, it’s like the difference between a Rankin portrait and someone’s self taken MySpace emo profile picture. Gaga gets back in the box and takes off her costume. When she comes back out she’s forgotten her trousers and does the rest of the performance singing live and throwing herself around in a way probably not ever seen on this competition before.

She holds her final pause for way too long. Even when Dermot is standing beside her, grinning and clapping. Dermot says hello and asks her how she is. She makes a noise at him, then says “HI KELLY” and waves at someone who’s obviously a lot more interesting than him <3. Dermot reminds her that she’s sold seven million copies of her new album and she says thank you to the audience. I hope she manages to do this interview without talking to Dermot. Dermot asks if she’s heard of Kitty. Gaga does talk to Dermot this time and says that she saw her backstage and gave her a hug, but she gave everyone a hug. Dermot tells Gaga that her performance will give Kitty lots of ideas. Gaga hopes so. Dermot then asks if she’s touring again. Gaga replies that she will be touring next year and she’s just finished designing the stage and she’s so happy, and can’t wait to see the entire GBP there. Gaga blows us a kiss and leaves. Results after the break!

Adverts – Dear the O2, stop trying to make Coldplay interesting. It doesn’t work.

Back in the studio, Dermot welcomes the judges and the contestants back on to the stage. Janet still looks like someone peed on her fags. BixMix look absolutely terrified.

Results! In no particular order apart from the one that it’s read out in. Biscuit is safe, Louis looks pleased for him. Janet is next. Louis looks shocked. Marcus next through and Funsponge is ungracious again. The camera cuts to Kitty and she says “It’s alright” to Louis and looks resigned. Next through is Amelia Lily. She hugs Misha as Tulisa calms BixMix. Last through is BixMix. They all scream.

Both Misha and Kitty look unsurprised and heartbreakingly resigned. Dermot asks them what they are going to sing. Misha replies she will be doing ‘You Are’ by Jesse J and Kitty says she’s happy to be there. Dermot persists with the song question. It’s ‘Over the Rainbow’. Oh Kitty.

More adverts! That, ladies and gentlemen, is what consists a segment of television these days.

Dermot is moving his feet too much again as he recaps what happened five minutes ago. Kitty is first. Louis introduces her, red eyed, and says she’s going to sing her heart out. He looks as resigned as Kitty. Someone in the audience shouts that they love her. Kitty looks really stripped down for this, presumably on Funsponge’s advice. She misses a couple of the notes as she starts off quiet. I keep wanting her to start belting but every time you think it’s going to, it doesn’t. All the judges do their ‘Feeling stuff’ faces apart from Funsponge.

Misha B now, Kelly says she wants this more than anything. JUST SO LONG AS SHE DOESN’T THINK SHE DESERVES IT, EH, X FACTOR?! She sings the Jesse J song that’s not about price tags or DOING IT LIKE A MANDEM. I know that we are Team Kitty round these parts, but based on voice alone Misha B blows her out of the water. The song seems to be about loving yourself and I believe her, even when she’s singing about being true to who she is, when the competition seems hell bent on destroying that for her.

So who’s going home? The crowd are chanting for Misha. Louis remarks that both performances were amazing from two amazing girl singers, and they both killed it, but he’s going to save his own act. Tulisa thinks they are both amazingly talented and that was one of the most dramatic showdowns ever and they are both on a par in different styles, but she can relate to one of them as a musician and would buy their album, so she’s sending home Kitty. Kelly believes in Misha and she needs everyone’s votes, and she knows Kitty is a big talent but she believes in Misha so she’s sending Kitty home. Funsponge next. He remarks on how amazing the sing off was and remarks that they both want this the most. Funsponge has always been a fan of Kitty, but she seems to be missing a connection to the audience (trans. Nobody’s voting for you). With Misha, she’s the only one that would be immediately signed by a record label, so he’s sending home Kitty. Misha B looks shocked and staggers off stage

Dermot pulls Kitty into the middle of the stage, gives her a hug and tells her it’s been a hell of a ride. We see Kitty’s best bits, which are, for once, all amazing. Not a bad performance or a dull moment in there. We’ll miss you, Kitty.

Dermot asks Louis what we will do without her, and an entire nation shouts “FALL ASLEEP”. Louis says that Kitty is the best person he’s ever mentored and she loves music and performing and he hopes she gets signed. Dermot then says to Kitty that the competition has lost a big voice and a big personality and asks her what she’s got to say. Kitty snatches the microphone off of him and says she’s got something to share with the audience. Oh my. This is going to be BRILLIANT. She looks at Dermot and Louis and says that this is the last thing she wants to do. My mind whirrs with the possibilities. I hope it involves revealing a big secret, calling out Funsponge or she’s going to threaten to do something that will cause harm to herself or others. It’s not. She sings the chorus of Born This Way. Dermot’s face is a picture. He’s biting his bottom lip and rolling his eyes, presumably against the barrage of producers in his ear screaming at him to get the microphone back. Louis, because he’s brilliant, LOVES IT, and laughs and claps. [It reminded me of Seamus doing 'I have been promised a show of my own' at the end of the Joseph sing-out. But I would have LOVED her to spill some secrets. That would have been EPIC - Rad] [Seriously. She should've just spilled EVERYTHING, that would have been the best thing since "you know what? Sod it." - Steve]

Dermot snatches the microphone out of Kitty’s hands then practically shoves her and Louis offstage. He didn’t know where she was going with that. Neither did we, which probably made it the second best moment on the X Factor this series, after Saturday’s blank screen moment.

Next week! Six become five and Rebecca Jazznoodle and Rihanna will be performing. One of these will be good [I doubt it. I love Rihanna's records but I have yet to be convinced she can 'do' live - Rad]. Dermot plugs I’m a Celeb, the voiceover man plugs the X Factor tour and it’s all over for another weekend. Join Steve next week to find out how all that pans out.


Kate H said...

It's such a shame that only Xtra Factor viewers got to see the bit where Lady Gaga - possessed by the spirit of Eoghan Quigg - ran on stage and attempted to squeeze Kitty to death.

StuckInABook said...

Great recap as always, but I refuse to acknowledge Louis as ever anything but the worst ingredient in the X Factor. It must be miserable to be in the same room as him, squeaking away to himself that he "has an opinion." Eurgh.

Best sing-off since Laura vs. Ruth, I reckon. Two best singers in the competition. One day I'll care so much that I'll actually vote - just you wait and see.

Earendel said...

I am getting utterly fucked off how they are bringing on last year's X Factor losers onto the results shows each week. Are real acts hard to invite these days eh?
Next year, we'll have all of this years losers on top of last year's losers appear in the results show having released their one and only single, and so on until the show disappears up its own ringpiece. But that probably happened a while ago now.
Great recap - always good for a cackle.

Sparkle said...

Gutted, gutted and gutted.