Start crying your heart out

Rock Week: Results

Transmission date 31 October 2009

Last night, the definition of "rock" was stretched to breaking point! Jamie was dull! Danyl was a whiny little bitch! Olly's dancing remained terrifying! John and Edward channelled 5ive! Lloyd kissed a girl and liked it! Louis and Simon bickered again! TONIGHT! Someone will be going home!

Dermot implores us to welcome "our" X-Factor finalists for the always-super-duper spectacular that is the group song. They're doing the Girls Aloud/Sugababes version of 'Walk This Way', which, let us not forget, was the worst thing either group had ever released (well, until 'Girls' and 'Get Sexy' at any rate) and one of the worst cover versions ever. This has, as usual, been autotuned to within an inch of his life, but no autotune can make up for the contestants' hopeless attempts at rapping. Stacey does hers in a Dagenham accent. There are breakdancers and a climbing frame and I still don't get the point of this - see also the group song on American Idol, which is equally pointless.

We then see a stupidly long recap of last night as usual.

Our first very special guests are Bon Jovi. It seems like it's been a long time since they had a new single out, and you'd have thought they could have come back with something more memorable than this standard slightly upbeat MOR toss. It's no 'Livin' on a Prayer', that's for sure. Jon Bon Jovi's face doesn't look as weathered as it did fifteen years ago. Hmm. How come we didn't get Jon Bon and the other Jovis being guest mentors? I've enjoyed the comedy antics of Whitney and Robbie this year. This song goes on and on and doesn't get any less dull. However, unlike Whitney, Jon does know when his new album comes out. Dermot tells them they've been together a quarter of a century now, though I'm sure it's longer than that. Dermot's inner twelve year old high-fives Richie Sambora which is a bit random. He tries to get a bit of banter with Jon about the contestants but it's clear Jon neither knows nor cares about any of them. Sensible man. [I love Jon Bon Jovi. And actually blushed for Dermot as he asked permission to high-five the Sambora. - Carrie]

We then get the competition, with a clip of Ruth Lorenzo showing this shambles just how a rock song should be done.

We come back from the ads with the show telling us that The Nation's Sweetheart Cheryl Cole has the number one album and single and there's a slightly uncomfortable bit where Simon asks Cheryl to come to to his record label and she laughs it off. Dermot asks the judges who should be going home and Simon says 'John and Edward' but no-one else gives an opinion. Odd.

Our second very special guests are JJB Sports. We get a long VT of their "X Factor journey" and there's a weird bit where we're reminded that they were LOSERS last year (well, they came second to the fierceness of Alexandra, but whatevs) but have overcome their loserness to have hit records and be the "most successful" group from this show, though I think G4 might have something to say about that. The captions say 'THEY'RE LIVING THE DREAM' at one point. Oh dear. The guys are all looking good, but sadly their new song is as duff as the Bon Jovi one. I couldn't hum either of them if you asked me to. JLB Credit do perform well, and NotLouis has given them some weird high staging to get raised up on at one point. Even though they put in their fair share of dud performances last year they're still miles apart from a lot of our current crop, who are making me nostalgic for Ruth and Alexandra and even for Diana Vickers, although admittedly only for her 'Man in the Mirror' and 'Call Me' performances. Still, they missed a trick by not getting JML Direct on for the Christmas show. (Merry Christmas!) [Still hilarious 10 months later. - Steve]

Dermot squeals that they've upped their game and then says Oritse has improved his dancing and has clearly been off his red meat. Um? Louis says these guys are "living proof that this show works if you've got the right act". Simon says they are great because they put themselves together rather than having someone put them together. What, like Hope, FutureProof and Miss Frank?

Results time. O Fortuna. Safe are: Joe (which Simon looks oddly peeved about, although there was surely no doubt), Olly, Lucie, Jamie, Stacey, Danyl (who explodes), and... John and Edward, as if there was any doubt. Rachel looks devastated, she knows being in the sing-off three times is never a good thing. Lloyd looks lost. I don't like his singing but he does look like a bewildered kitten at the whole thing.

Poor Rachel is first. She's singing 'Stop Crying Your Heart Out' which seems to be one of the show's anointed vaguely contemporary songs this year [it's on Leona's new album, so that's probably why - Steve] and, given the lyrics, is perhaps a cruel choice for the sing-off. She's good, but you know, she's Rachel - she's better than a large percentage of the other contestants but there isn't enough that's special about her to make her stand out. It's not her fault she looks like a knock-off Rihanna, but I suspect that may be why nobody's bothered voting for her.

Lloyd fumbles his way through 'You are So Beautiful to Me'. It's not good, as you'd expect, especially as he has a cold. He does hit the occasional note, to give him his due, but really he is out of his depth as a soloist, and Louis is right - he should be in a boy band. Or at school.

Dannii and Cheryl save their own acts, as you might expect. Louis waxes lyrical about how professional and lovely Rachel is and it sounds as if he's saying all this only to send her home, but he saves her. Simon says Rachel was a lot better than Lloyd but the public clearly don't like her so he sends it to DEADLOCK. I am so sick of this gimmick. The whole four judges thing completely falls down when it comes to this part of the show. Anyway, unsurprisingly, Rachel got the fewest votes from the public and is going home. And she's crying, presumably because she knows how much better she is than at least half of the remaining contestants, AND she has had to suffer the indignity of going out against the tuneless wonder that is Lloyd. It also means Simon is the last mentor with all his acts left and he'll be an insufferable cock next week. Joy. Rachel's best bits are a montage of crazy and not-quite-fulfilled potential. They should have just shown her falling over on a loop.

Next week! Songs from films! Leona Lewis will be here to embarrass them all! The Black Eyed Peas will be here to outcrazy the twins! They'd better not mess up Roxette again this year! Join us then!