Sunday, November 08, 2009

Camp shock

Movie night - the results!
Tx: Sunday 8th November

Last night, the competition was fierce. Presumably the competition to be the worst singer in a very dismal year of TXF? Tonight, one more act must leave! And we must see The Black Eyed PEAS and Leona LEWIS! It's TIME! To FACE! The MUSIC!

Weird snippet of VT, where Simon says, "I think my category has gone up a notch," and Cheryl replies, "It had to go somewhere!" and then cackles, like it's some kind of brilliant comeback. Maybe it was; maybe you had to be there. [I do vastly prefer snarky Cheryl to simpering Cheryl though - Rad]


Dermot greets us. I suspect Steve will like the indigo suit and purple tie combo. [It's still BOXY, so regrettably not. - Steve] Dermot then reiterates exactly what we heard pre-titles re special guests, and the entire concept of the competition, reminding us that the lines are still open should we wish to vote.

He introduces the judges, who appear from behind the screen. Dannii's fringe is wonky. Cheryl's hair is laden with "some natural extensions", as featured on L'Oreal adverts the world over.

Oh, fuck, I'd forgotten about the hideous mime-fest that is the group sing. This week it's Hot N Cold. They are all very bad at both miming and acting. The boys seem to all be in some derivation of tartan, for reasons unclear to me. John and Edward flail around, and then there are pyrotechnics.

Dermot fluffs reading the autocue, and then we have a recap of last night. It's a very LONG recap. In fact it's so long I feel like I didn't need to watch the main show. In previously unseen footage, Simon walks past Stacey backstage and says something; Lloyd said something dull, while Cheryl and Louis bickered about something random; Jamie Afro Archer says his song was from a film and thus not cheating, and Simon suggests Louis should be a traffic warden; Lucie felt she showed the real her last night and is very very happy (spoiler alert: AHAHAHAHAHA sweet fate and twist of irony); Danyl is no longer cocky, in case you missed that; NotLouis was on crack and John lost his brother backstage; Joe understands what Louis means, which is nice. Gosh, everyone is really quite dull this year.

Here are the Black Eyed PEAS. They have sold 60 million records world-wide. That is a lot. Fergie looks a bit like a melted Joss Stone, and is standing in a crescent moon. [NotLouis and the BEP - a match made in crack heaven - Rad] Then there is flying on wires and I feel a bit like I'm watching the wrong reality TV show. There's also too much dry ice. And there's scurrying into the crowd and keyboards and audience participation, and then an excruciating Dermot-Peas interview as usual (in which Fergie reveals she is wearing Cheryl's shoes, which I find oddly fabulous and endearing). Please, someone, please stop Dermot talking to proper people.

Oh, God, and then he starts talking to the judges, calling Louis "mardybum". They all agree that individually they made no mistakes in song choice. Louis thinks Lloyd is in danger. Dannii refuses to answer, and Dermot tries to press her, "I'm Paxman! Give me an answer!" [Pac-Man, more like. - Steve] and then totally lets her off the hook, rather disproving his previous statement. Simon says Lloyd or one of the girls are in trouble. And that is that.

Ooh, now Leona LEWIS. Little montage of her career. Does anyone think that R*y Q*i*n would have had similar global success had he beaten her to top spot in 2006? She sings. Dermot talks to her. She says "amazing" and "um" a lot.

Time for the results. Who is safe? Joe; Olly; Stacey; Lloyd; Danyl; and Jamie. Which means a sing-off between John and Edward and Lucie. Simon guarantees us that the past will be forgotten and it will be based on who gives the best performance now. Dannii confirms that it is a shock because Lucie was one of the best last night; Louis says that John and Edward need to have fun. Dannii thanks everyone on behalf of Lucie for supporting her thus far. Well, they haven't supported her a lot, have they? Lucie comes on to stage, looks a bit pissed off, and then coughs. She sings One Moment In Time very boringly. John and Edward perform Rock DJ in their own inimitable style. Hang on, are they singing in two-part harmony occasionally? Cheryl is beaming.

Louis tells Lucie that she is incredible and shouldn't have been in the bottom two, but he has to save John and Edward. Dannii saves Lucie. Cheryl opts to save John and Edward home even though she loves them. Whatever. And Simon, with dollar signs spinning round in his eyes, lies that he is not surprised that both acts are in the bottom two, and he would rather see the boys sing again. Those boys, you recall, that he calls "horrors" who cannot sing on a regular basis. So he decides to go to deadlock. [FUCKING deadlock as I think it should now be called. Even numbers of judges suck - Rad] Lucie has her head in her hands.

As well she might. Because Lucie is the one going home. Dannii looks like she's about to vomit. John and Edward look shellshocked. Quick montage of Lucie's JOURNEY from her SMALL VILLAGE in WALES which is actually next door to BEAUTIFUL CARDIFF. Lucie is in bits and Dannii wanders on to hold her hand. La Minogue proceeds to bitch about wishing "the good singers luck in this singing competition", which is rather classless and also a total fallacy - since when has The X Factor been a singing competition? [I actually thought this was awesome - it was a total sideswipe at Cowell who is ALWAYS trying to pretend this is a singing competition when it suits his own purposes - largely this year every time someone tries to criticise Danyl. So while it was a bit catty, I thought it was justified. - Steve] [I think it would have been better had it been at a time when Jedward weren't on the stage looking mortified. - Carrie] Dannii blames herself, Lucie tells her not to, there is a lot of hugging.

Next week, the contestants face a new challenge, and Shakira will be singing. As will all 12 Finalists, who'll be performing their charidee single in aid of Great Ormond Street Hospital. I would pay good money not to hear that.

Hey ho. Join us again next week!


Anonymous said...

This was to clever reviewing what Jedward are to great singing.

Fiz said...

That's it for for me this year. Simon has been moaning for weeks about the twins and goes to deadlock, so who gets through? The Twins! Great, Simon, you asshole!

Sarah said...

Hey anonymous, some of us like it!

Great recap as ever Carrie. Dermot is such a tool.

Amy said...

I am new to these blogs (HILARIOUS might I just add!) but I am still unsure why Brian is called Notlouis?

Carrie said...

Amy, because he is NotLouis? (Or, he was the judge drafted in to replace Louis when he left. And then came back.)

Grady Smith said...

What's up with the anti-Dannii feelings?! I personally appreciate the fact that she's the only judge that seems to care about the integrity of the competition! I think she's one the public over, and no one can legitimately support Simon's heinous decision.

Grady Smith said...

*won (embarassing...)

gummygobbler said...

I thought Danni looked absolutely beautiful with her 'wonky' fringe - seriously, the best she has ever looked (maybe because the botox has worn off a bit and actual facial expressions can be just about detected).
She was so annoyed when Jedward STEADward! The X-Tra Factor was brilliant (I often wish that ye all would blog about that show rather than the main show).
Let's all be honest though - I'm sure the majority would prefer to watch Jedwards antics next week rather than Lucys' substandard and boring warbling.
I assume now that Michael Jackson has moonwalked off of this mortal coil that ITV do not have to pay royalties to use his choreography. It wasn't just Olly that was lumbered with unimaginative and wholesale theft of MJs routines. If this continues what shall we expect in the weeks to come - Stacey doing Hazell Deans patented 'lesbian shuffle'? (I also noticed for the first time that NotLouis is a producer on American Idol 'what info does he have on Simon that keeps him in gainful employment?').
Jamie was awful singing 'Crying' terrible mistreatment of a classic but hey, that's Simon for ya, as long as Sony owns the rights to it then it is his to desecrate by proxy.
My worry about Lloyd is that 'he is not just for Christmas, he is for life!'

I love reading this blog and thank each and every one of the writers (I check up every few days for the parantheses xx)

gummygobbler said...

"no one can legitimately support Simon's heinous decision"

Is that why Louis got moved back down the line?

Jen said...

It seems to me that the only thing Simon is interested in is ensuring another female doesn't win X-Factor so Leona and Alexandra won't have competition.

Simon wants a male winner this year and I believe that's why he didn't choose any females for his group. He's hell bent on one of his lads winning as there's a market for a male solo singer.

Funny recap as always guys, thanks!