Drop the boy

Last night! Take That and Elton John theme week proved to be not all that bad actually! Well, apart from Danyl’s murder of Your Song! Tonight! The final five sing for a place in the semi-final! That means there are only two weeks left! Hooray!

Dermot welcomes us back and there are some very spiffy firework lighting effects. We will be joined tonight by Alicia KEYS and RiHANNA. He is wearing a badly buttoned blue suit that is designed to show off his shirt cuffs, but it looks ill-fitting. As usual. He reminds us that tonight’s vote is all in the public’s hands, as if that hasn’t been the case for the majority of weeks anyway.

The judges enter, and Simon has finally broken away from black and is wearing a grey suit. I wish he’d put his chest away though. Bleurgh. Dannii is wearing a nice pink dress. Cheryl has a nice enough black dress with massive amount of ruffle on the shoulder.

The group song is ‘I Don’t Feel Like Dancing’, and the men are dropped in on strings. This song is too high for all of them, and it sounds appalling. [I miss Same Difference. And Eton Road. - Carrie] Shayne Ward is still the only X Factor contestant to ever vaguely pull off falsetto. The dancing is pretty poor as well. I actually caught a clip of them doing ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go’ (I didn’t see last Sunday’s) and it wasn’t too bad. This, on the other hand, is. I don’t blame the contestants, I blame whoever chose the song, Yvie and the person who does the arrangements. Still, NotLouis throws a load of balloons on the stage at the end to try and hide the noise.

Dermot plugs the tour, which promises to be the biggest tour in Britain, 2010. Riiiight.

I love the really long filler about the previous night, as I’ve been able to make myself pudding and a drink during it rather than sitting and typing. [I put the ironing board away and took the recycling out. This show is definitely helpful when it comes to finding time to do those little chores. - Steve]

Dermot asks the judges who was the best. Simon says his acts, then concedes Joe on his second song and Stacey on her first song were also OK. Dannii says Joe and Stacey. Louis says Joe, Stacey and Danyl, in that order.

It’s time for the first of our special guests, Alicia KEYS. She has her hair straightened with a kind of reddish tint. It looks nice. She sings that ‘New York’ song that I’ve heard on the radio a lot lately, but I didn’t know it was actually her singing on it. She has a giant Perspex piano. Is this show sponsored by them this year? The song seems to turn into something else and then reverts back again. It’s not very exciting, but there’s a bit where she STANDS UP. Dermot asks her who was good and she refuses to answer, but says that each one is different, and she loves that there’s only one woman in the flow, apparently. Riiiight.

Dermot asks the judges who’s at risk. Simon and Louis think Lloyd. Cheryl and Dannii think everyone. I’d be inclined to agree with the women. Olly/Danyl bottom two would be the sweetest outcome, mind.

Rihanna is up next. She’s sitting in a giant white sofa wearing a ghastly beige dress and gloves. She really does look a lot like Rachel ADEDEJI. She stares into the distance and it’s a little scary. I would not mess with this lady. She’s singing that ‘pull the trigger’ [it's called 'Russian Roulette', just FYI - Steve] song, which, in keeping with the tradition of special guests, is a slightly dull addition to her back catalogue. The singing isn’t all that, but the song's not all that, either. Still, on the plus side, there are lots of nice fire lighting effects. She has clearly been taking lessons from Louis Walsh and stands up at the key change, at which point her hair falls in front of her face. She gamely pushes it out of the way and carries on. She ends by being sultry in the chair again and then collapses in giggles like she’s a contestant on Strictly. Heh. Love her a little bit. Dermot asks her about her records. She knows, unlike previous guests, that they are out in the stores right now. She’s on tour in Spring. She doesn’t get asked her views on the contestants. I wish she’d been a guest mentor. Heck, even Howard Donald as guest mentor would have done, anything other than those ‘oh look, we’re number one’ blah VTs we got last night.

We see more recaps and blah about why they all want to win, but nothing of any consequence is said. Suffice to say they all want it and they all deserve to be in the semi-final.

The first act through is Stacey. She and Dannii explode. The second act through is Joe. It pleases me that these two are through, because now I don’t really mind who goes home (though I’d laugh my head off if Lloyd stays). The third act through is Danyl. Poor little Lloyd, like a lamb to the slaughter… Olly takes being through rather ungraciously and punches the air, making YES noises and grunting faces. Ugh. I hate him. [Me too. I've said this before, but it bears repeating - it's really fucking classless to make so much noise about getting through when your survival automatically means someone else is going home. So shut UP, Olly. Find a slightly more subdued way of celebrating. - Steve] [Particularly as Simon looked sad for Lloyd and gave him a little pep talk as Olly cavorted round the stage. Twat. - Carrie] Lloyd takes it on the chin and smiles. I can't imagine certain other people in the final five taking it as graciously, and he's only sixteen (at the risk of turning into Cheryl).

Cheryl says he’s only 16 and he’s got loads of time to grow and blossom into a little star. Dermot commends him for always smiling despite getting lots of flak. We’re reminded of his ‘journey’ which, for a change, genuinely was a bit of a journey – of all the contestants, he’s the one that actually improved as he went on. He sings ‘A Million Love Songs’ and holds it together remarkably well. Bless him, he was never the best act, but he did get a lot better, and he seems like such a sweet kid it’s hard to take against him. [I agree - I said in the earlier recaps that I hated Lloyd more than any of the other contestants, but he quite grew on me in the end because he seemed like a genuinely nice kid. And his singing did improve as he went along, even if he was still easily the weakest singer left by this point. - Steve]

So Ma Little Lloyd Daniels has gone home, and we’re left with Stacey FROM DAGENHAM, MA LITTLE GEORDIE Joe, ORDINARY BLOKE Olly and OUR BLESSED HUMBLE LORD AND SAVOUR Danyl. Next week it’ll probably be the inevitable ‘songs to get you to the final’ snoozeathon, but if rumours are to be believed, Janet JACKSON and Lady GAGA will be performing. [There are no words for how much I want next week's theme to be Lady GaGa songs. C'mon, there are only four contestants left, so the numbers work out. - Steve] NotLouis is probably giddy with excitement already.