Last night! It was Queen night! And there was no holding back (the stream of effluent)! My DVR didn't record Jamie, Lloyd or Olly's performances, so I feel as if I've been shown some small mercy! Tonight! Someone else must go!
PLUS! Shakira! And the final 12 reunite for their charity single which has a video almost identical to the last one but will no doubt be even more mawkish!
Randomly, the pre-credits bit goes on about Calvin Harris's stage invasion a lot, without mentioning it was him, even though they clearly know who it was, and it has Louis claiming he's cashing in on John and Edward's fame. Odd.
Dermot tells us to expect fireworks. Topical joke fail. He implores us to vote, although why anyone would want to vote for any of this lot, I'm not entirely sure, unless it's to try and get the worst acts in the bottom two.
Now it's time for the first of TWO group performances... Bohemian Rhapsody (of course). They open with that uplighting thing a bit like the Queen video but more rubbish. And then there's a large choir on stage with them who drown them all out, thankfully, so it ends up sounding OK. Then Brian May comes on for big guitar wankery and Jamie and Danyl get to show off in the 'so you think you could stone me and spit in my eye part'.. Joe, Olly and Stacey get to finish. I'd say poor Lloyd and Jedward, but I think we all know it's for the best they didn't get too much to do.
Dermot declares it the BEST X FACTOR MOMENT EVER, but let's face it, it was no Beyonce/'Xandra. Dermot asks Brian and Roger who their favourite is. Brian says 'we like the girl' (sigh) and Dermot calls him a wily old dog. Brian says she's very employable which is an odd kind of compliment. Roger agrees and says she turns into someone else when she sings (unlike her former girls' category teammates who turned into Stacey when they stopped singing) and he says everyone's very nice and charming (note: not 'very talented'). Dermot thanks "Queen" by saying we have gods in our presence. He's coming across as more and more of a creepy fan each week. Stop it, Dermot!
Then we get the usual uberlong recap of last night which is the bit that makes doing these recaps so much easier. There's a random bit about Calvin Harris where they don't acknowledge who it was but they already did that bit pre-credits. [I did love Simon referring to him as "an idiot who wanted attention". If any show would know about people like that, it'd be this one. - Steve]
Shakira's up next. Her hair makes her look a bit Beyonce-ish. She has some random ladies with drums on stands behind her. Not sure if this is her quirk or NotLouis'. The song's no She-Wolf, nor is it that one with the humble breasts. Memo to special guests: better singles, please. Dermot says our guys want to do this stuff, this big epic stuff, and I don't know if he means the staging, because if so, surely that's a slight on NotLouis' hard work. If he means being a global superstar, then excuse me while I choke.
By the way, Ant and Dec: Wii in pubs? Seriously?
It's now time for the charity single, and thanks to the dual miracles of watching this on fastforward last night when I got in from watching Doctor Who at a friend's (and therefore only seeing the sing-off) and ITV player cutting out at the adverts after Shakira, then reloading with the ads in a different place, I miss the mawkish video about Great Ormond Street. Now, don't get me wrong, it's a good cause, but I am guessing this show milked the human tragedy angle for all it was worth and then milked it some more. Am I wrong? [You are not wrong. - Carrie]
The stage is bathed in yellow light so bright it hurts my eves, and we have "tasteful" photos of "our" X-Factor finalists meeting patients from the hospital plastered all around. By the way, you can donate to GOSH or your local children's hospital without actually buying this record. Just sayin'. [Yep. I said last week I'd pay good money not to hear this record, and as soon as they started singing I opted to log on to GOSH's website and make a donation rather than listening to that pile of tripe. - Carrie]
It's 'You Are Not Alone' as if they haven't desecrated Michael Jackson's corpse enough with that theme week last series (and yes, I realise he wasn't even dead then, but the memory lingers). This song was incredibly syrupy and mawkish anyway, but it looks like it was done by Napalm Death compared to this version.
Joe opens it with his best Boyzone/Westlife impression (sans Irish accent) and he's dressed in white, as is everyone else, because they are like ANGELS, see? Like the children who are LITTLE ANGELS and the nurses who are ANGELS. Anyway, it's autotuned to fuck of course, and there's no unfortunate staging mishaps like last year. Interestingly the people who get solo bits are: Joe (who starts and ends it), Olly, Lucie, Danyl, Rikki (why?), each of Miss Frank, Stacey, Jamie and the one from Kandy Rain who could sing. I'm sure conspiracy theorists might get some mileage out of all that. The funniest bit is when they keep cutting to some kid from GOSH looking bored with the whole affair. Danyl mugs his way through it of course, and he and Joe get the most attention as you'd expect, given that this show clearly wants one of them to win. It sounds like they've got a big gospel choir in the background, too, though they're not on stage. I feel somewhat sick after all of that and almost turned against the idea of charity. Compassion fail.
Results time. Safe... Joe (like there was any doubt), Danyl (booo!), Stacey, Olly and John and Edward, which means someone rubbish is going home! Yay!
Louis says he'll save the person with the potential to get better and Dannii says she'll save the best singer.
Jamie is singing 'The Show Must Go On' - I didn't know they had to sing Queen in the sing-off too. He is OK in parts and really, really bad in parts. I probably hate him less than Olly or Danyl but it's all levels of cockitude really, so I'd be happy for him to go, especially as Simon having three acts left when everyone else only had one left would be too much to take. Lloyd is singing 'Last Request' and it's generally really bad with occasional moments of tune in the chorus. His days are numbered, and if he doesn't go tonight, I can't imagine he'll last next week.
Simon and Cheryl save their own acts, of course. Louis wants to vote for the person with the most 'appeal' and sends home Jamie. Dannii saves the best singer, which is apparently Jamie, in case you weren't sure. The judges' vote is DEAD like a parent this series, no? The only time it's been used is when Louis was away and there were only three judges. [Yeah, so anyway, Jamie has the least number of votes and he is en route to the exit. Hooray! - Carrie]
Anyway, bye Jamie, and don't whine too much on the way out, will you?
Join us next week for whatever the mystery theme is and for special guest Susan Boyle!