Tx: 22nd November 2009
Last night! It was George Michael night! Louis wore a bow tie! Everyone sang in a mediocre way, apart from those who were rubbish! Tonight! Susan BOYLE and Mariah CAREY and ELIMINATION! And Louis and Cheryl shouting at each other in corridors, apparently!
Yes, we're live from London, complete with pyrotechnics, Dermot and another ill-fitting suit from the House of O'Leary. He welcomes us and triggers more pyrotechnics. He promises us an incredible night (fnar) because people who can actually sing will be performing. [I loved his comment about how Susan Boyle won people's hearts with just one song. An unfortunate turn of phrase, given that she only sang two songs on Britain's Got Talent and one of them was kind of a disaster. - Steve]
That'll be after we've met the judges and had the group sing, though. It's Wake Me Up Before you Go Go begins with some Abbaesque choreography for John and Edward. Lloyd sounds very good, because he has been autotuned to fuck. [And now I have an image of Lloyd in my head as some kind of sex-robot. There is not enough brain bleach in the world. - Steve] Also, there are lots of dancers, some of whom are female, which evens out the girl-boy balance a little. Danyl, Lloyd and Olly do a little arm-waving at the front of the stage, which makes me think of the trio of boy Yellowcoats in Hi-De-Hi! Then they take out the reference to it being "warm in bed" and CHANGE THE KEY.
Dermot thanks them and talks about "Leola Lewis" being number one album, and the shitey X Factor charidee single being number one single and making "a lot of money for the kids". Remember - if you want to do something for charidee, you don't have to buy The X Factor single. You can just make a donation to GOSH anyway and when they ask, tell them you paid never to hear The X Factor single again. Simon enthuses about how generous the public are, and then lists a variety of nouns without any connecting words. Dermot does the corporate shill bit by reminding us that these crappy acts are on tour next year and we too can see them in public if we cough up £50-odd quid.
Then it's time for a recap. Lloyd had his hair cut [which made him HUMBLE -- oops, sorry, wrong contestant - Steve]; Simon thought he was "pretty good" and Cheryl thought he looked comfortable. When Louis points out that Lloyd is out of his depth, Cheryl hollers at him to shut up. Stacey sang lots of high notes and was told to believe in herself. Cheryl wants her to REPRESENT for the girls. Dannii and Stacey screeched at each other. John and Edward were bad at singing and dancing and also talking backstage. Louis reckons they are making him feel young. They snigger. As do I. Danyl was Keeping It Real and Humble while Respecting The Song. Danyl was Humble back stage. Cheryl and Simon bicker about Danyl's flatness, and Cheryl pulls faces behind Simon's back, which is both childish and awesome. Olly was tedious with his non-contemporary-contemporary song. Olly wants to concentrate on singing and then have sex with lots of girls, whom HE LIKES. Simon thinks Olly is an ordinary guy and that is why people like him. Well, not THAT much, Cowell. Oops, spoiler! Joe was lovely but dull as always, and he can't believe he got a standing ovation from the judges. Cheryl thinks he has set the ball with a winning performance.
Time for tonight's first special guest - Susan BOYLE. She VTs that she was once lost and lonely. SHE SANG....AND THE WORLD....LISTENED. TONIGHT...THE DREAM....CONTINUES. Hooray! She sings Wild Horses, which is fine, and then tells Dermot that fame is BLOODY FANTASTIC, warning the public to LOOK OUT, which sounds vaguely threatening.
Dermot welcomes us back, thanks us for voting, and tells us the phone lines are now closed. He tells the judges to answer honestly rather than shitly and partisanly, and asks who the best acts were - Dannii says Joe and Stacey, Louis concurs, Cheryl says her own acts, the stupid cow, and Simon opts for Danyl and Joe. Dermot tries to get Dannii to say she's gutted at the possibility of losing Stacey, but she chooses to mock Simon instead. Louis admits that he's worried. Simon doesn't appear to be paying attention or perhaps he's just deaf.
Now time for the second special guest, Mariah CAREY. She has covered I Want To Know What Love Is. Presumably she also Respects The Song, because that is what singers should do. She has a sparkly mic stand of yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Shiny pieces of paper fall from the sky. It is like the Crystal Dome. Dermot reveals that they are in fact little butterflies. Mariah mocks Simon, and is generally pretty nice. I miss the Mariah masterclass.
Results! Dermot welcomes back Cheryl and the boys, Dannii and Stacey, Simon and Team Ordinary Humble Blokes, and Louis and John and Edward. The acts singing next week, in no particular order, mark you - Stacey (she and Dannii hug and murmur words of love to each other); Joe (who claps his hands in the gayest way ever); Danyl; and Lloyd.
Heh. So it's Olly versus John and Edward in the sing-off. What way will THIS go? Simon looks appalled. The boys are going to sing No Matter What by Boyzone "because they are a great Irish band and we've got all their records". FROM IRELAND. Olly is going to sing Clapton's Wonderful Tonight, but provides no justification for this decision.
Louis is clearly not shocked but pretends he is anyway, and says that the people booing them are very rude. True. Simon still looks appalled and says Olly must prove why it is right for him to stay in the competition. Louis introduces his act, who are welcomed to the stage with booing, which is really mean. And dear me, John and Edward really can't sing, even by Boyzone's standards, and they look upset, pointing at the audience during the line "No matter what they call us". They attempt two-part harmony, and Louis is singing along. The one who is the weakest singer totally loses the melody and begins singing the harmony line as performed by the backing singers. Simon introduces Olly, who is also relatively rubbish, but he is obviously better vocally than John and Edward, and fortunately there is no gyrating in this particular song to make us want to vomit or bleach our brains.
Dermot asks the judges for their decisions. Simon says that if John and Edward go, he will miss them, but obviously he will save his artist. Cheryl blows kisses to the boys, but saves Olly. Louis can't believe that Olly is in the bottom two and Lloyd is safe, but he's sending Olly home anyway.
So it's down to Dannii, who is frankly magnificent. She asks, "Is it a singing competition that we're voting on? I need to know the answer to make a decision." A marvellous display of snark. Simon either can't hear her or is ignoring her. Dermot whines, "Who are you asking?" Simpleton. [I think he's turning into Louis Walsh. - Steve] She works on the premise that it's a singing contest, and sends home John and Edward.
Dermot tells people to stop booing and to cheer them as we view John and Edward's JOURNEY, during which Louis has loved them, Ronan Keating has looked puzzled at them, Mickey Bubbles deemed them "sweet", NotLouis has given them creative direction on crack, and never once have they sung in tune or danced in time.
They confess that Olly shouldn't have been in the bottom two, and they hope he and Stacey will go all the way to the final. Fnar again. Louis says he feels young again and has had an amazing time with them. Fnar squared.
So that's the end of the road for them. Next week! People will sing two songs, and the judges don't get to make any decisions! Alicia Keys and Rihanna will both perform! And we will be back then!