Seven Seas Of Why?

Queen Night
Tx 14th November 2009

Last week! Everyone whined like bitches, then Simon went to deadlock and in doing so saved John and Edward, and more people whined like bitches! It's Time! To Face! The Music!

Dermot welcomes us and assures us that our Saturday night starts here. He reminds us that anything can happen and probably will, and giggles in recollection of the farcical aftermath of last week's show. The judges enter to the sounds of Flash Gordon. Cheryl is dressed in something that looks like PVC but I'm sure it can't be. Dannii's hair looks lovely. Quick montage of Queen videos and performances, just in case we are not aware of their oeuvre.

First up, Simon and the over 25s, and he is roundly booed. He is REVELLING in it, don't tell me he's not. He takes on Sting for a start, saying that the show and ones like it have given Leona, Alexandra, JLS and Susan Boyle a shot, and invites Mr Sumner on to give the contestants the benefit of his wisdom. [Nice to know that Simon's debating skills amount to "come over here and say that." - Steve]He then lies through his teeth that he never plays with people's lives and thus never plays tactics.

His first contestant of the evening is Jamie Afro-Archer, who yodelled Crying last week, and assures us that he will always mean what he sings. This week, the poor contestants have been to see We Will Rock You and do a masterclass with Brian May and Roger Taylor. Jamie tells them he does not want to do a Freddie Mercury impersonation. Don't worry, Jamie, I'm fairly sure you won't. Everyone talks about him "not being Freddie Mercury". On the plus side, Queen liked to put on a show, so NotLouis should be in his element this evening.

Jamie has decided to dispense with the nicety of singing in tune to Radio Gaga. And his hair is different. Still big, but in ringlets. He shouts at the audience to get them involved, which is the most engagement he shows with this song that he purports to love. His voice sounds a bit weedy. Simon looks gleeful.

Dannii's back on the end of the panel. She liked the pyrotechnics and the way Jamie got the crowd going. She doesn't think it showed off his vocal ability. He thanks her. Louis thinks Jamie is out of his depth. I really hate having to agree with Louis, but I've done that an inordinate amount this series. Cheryl thinks it is tough being first up, but he kicked off the show well, and she doesn't like his hair in curls, she likes it frizzy [But I bet she has a L'Oreal hair product she can recommend - Rad]. Simon is disbelieving of Cheryl's banal comments. Jamie says it doesn't matter what the judges think, it only matters what the public think. Fate, have a bit of temptation, right here, right now.

Time for rubbish Lloyd, who is rubbish. He doesn't feel out of his depth, and thinks that going through last week shows that he has a place in this competition, because crazy teenage girls are voting for him. He plays the "oh I am SO YOUNG" card, telling us about being born in the 1990s. NotLouis says that Lloyd needs to be cheeky; Louis does not think Lloyd can do such a thing. [Another thing to agree with Louis on. Show, what are you doing to us? - Rad]

He's singing Crazy Little Thing Called Love, and there is a big glittery heart on the stage. He cannot sing any of the low notes, and he's struggling on the higher ones. The backing vocals are overpowering him. He has girl dancers in thigh-high boots, and hearts on their dresses, rather similar in design to Kylie's in the Hand On Your Heart video. Bored now. He tries to riff at the end, but fails.

Dannii says it was his best performance so far, which may be the case, but it still wasn't good. Simon thinks he's trying to lighten up a bit and that comes across, but likens him to a puppy in the Grand National (which Cheryl takes exception to, possibly because she doesn't understand the concept of metaphor). Cheryl thinks the penny has finally dropped with him. Dermot shakes his hand and exclaims about him "growing up".

Next is Olly, who was electrified by last week's response. No mention of the fact that the crowd is actually told when and what to shout. He tells us that he had "a little accident" earlier in the week, and I an half-expecting to hear that he failed to get to the loo in time. No - he was pissing about with a punchbag and cracked a knuckle, which meant that he had to have a big sling on his arm all week. Not sure why such extreme measures were needed. However, this does make for highly entertaining rehearsal footage as NotLouis tries to teach him choreography (having wailed about a cracked knuckle being the WORST THING HE CAN IMAGINE - funny, I was fairly sure that his imagination was rather overactive), and Olly is trying to dance with one arm.

Olly performs Don't Stop Me Now and it is the perfect illustration of what Sting was saying about glorified karaoke. It's out of tune, it's over the top, and very self-satisfied. Dannii admires his performance skills, but thinks his vocals were swallowed up by the music. Louis thought it was electrifying and he is the person everyone needs to beat, and then ludicrously likens him to Robbie Williams, Gary Barlow and Will Young BUT BETTER. Cheryl thinks Olly is "in it for the long haul". Simon tragedises about Olly nearly BREAKING HIS ARM and says that Olly HASN'T MOANED ABOUT IT. Apart from that whole fucking VT about his cracked knuckle and how hard it was to rehearse with the injury? Olly tells Dermot that he cracked his knuckle because obviously he punches "like a girl". Tell you what, Olly, come round here and I'll show you exactly how a girl punches. Repeatedly. [Take out Danyl as well while you're at it, please. - Steve]

Last week, Joe sang a song I hate from The Lion King. He was pleased that Cheryl says he is like her little brother, and reminds us that they are from the same area and BOTH AWAY FROM HOME. I suspect Cheryl's actual home with her Horrible Husband is in That London, but we get what he's saying. Brian and Roger seem to like Joe and admire his voice but are underwhelmed by his stage presence, which is fair enough comment.

He sings Somebody To Love, and it is relentless. He has a choir too, of course. This is the most melodic performance so far this evening, but he's a bit - meh, isn't he? I don't really know what else to say.

Dannii says that Freddie finds that particular song hard to sing. Well, I guess he probably does NOW. Because HE IS DEAD. Louis thinks having a choir helped Joe. Simon mocks Louis and his mythical rulebook. Cheryl says that people at home have ears.

And now, the act everyone's been waiting for, greeted by a mixture of cheers and boos - it's John and Edward. Last week, they busted ghosts, sang off, and stayed in. Simon thinks "there is something about these two" - what, the amount of media coverage you get from them? The boys had mixed emotions last week and did not know how to react. The boys specify that this week they met Queen the group, rather than the Queen, our happy and glorious monarch. Brian and Roger agree that if people love you or hate you, you'd got something - indifference is dangerous. The background music in the VT changes to Womanizer, which is inexplicable and distracting.

They sing Under Pressure. Which turns into Ice Ice Baby. Now personally I think that's a much under-used song on reality TV shows. There's a stage invader, with a pineapple, who turns out to be Calvin Harris, and who I didn't really notice because I thought it was just another NotLouis moment of genius/lunacy. [Also, they were so fucking miming for at least the first half of the song, if not more. - Steve] Dannii takes Louis to task for his bending of the rules, and Louis avoids the question by beseeching her to agree that they were great. Cheryl is pleased to hear the sheeplike audience chanting their names, and reminds us that the boys are only 17. Simon thinks it was their best performance, and congratulates them for not whining during the series. UNLIKE YOUR CONTESTANTS, COWELL.

Dannii introduces Stacey Solomon, and tells us that last week she was incredible. Stacey muses over the problems of being the only girl, and having to sing a Queen song - "this was just CHOSEN for me," she despairs. Yvie gives her some technique practice to do. Brian and Roger admire her voice and her ability to move the listener. Stacey knows that it must be perfect - "Pressure. [beat] Under pressure!" she giggles.

She comes onto the stage in a long gown and dimmed lights, and sings Who Wants To Live Forever. Her pitching is a bit dodgy at first. I can really imagine Leona singing this now - Stacey does a decent job but it's not amazing. Ooh, then fire falls from the sky. Cheryl thinks it was stunning and congratulates Yvie for all her hard work. Simon thinks it was the best performance of the night. I actually cannot remember what anyone else pre-John and Edward sang. Dannii says Stacey has grown into a woman overnight. For goodness sake, Stacey is an ADULT WOMAN WITH A CHILD. Stop patronising her. Simon then outdoes her by patronising Queen for writing good songs.

Last week, Danyl was NewDanyl, who was not cocky and had a lovely, sweet new demeanour. Remember? This week he galloped on to stage to meet Brian and Roger, and Brian suggests that he doesn't sing to the floor, and should sing to the crowd. Danyl wibbles about the fear of being thought cocky. Brian says some people thought Freddie Mercury was arrogant, and really, who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks, I thought you were A ROCK STAR, YOU WHINY LITTLE BITCH? (I'm editorialising.)

Oh, he's singing We Are The Champions, which is one of my favourite songs in the history of forever. Not this version, though. This version is a) tuneless and b) performed by Danyl, pretending to be all humble. He tries to riff (dreadfully) as a choir marches on. At the end, he does a little thumbs-up to the choir, thanking them EVER SO HUMBLY for their help. Grrr.

Dannii thinks it was his best performance in the live shows. Louis says there is nothing wrong with confidence if you've got the talent to back it up - and Danyl hasn't. Oops, no, sorry, Danyl HAS. Cheryl is lusting after him. While the Horrible Husband's away, eh, Mrs Cole? Simon thinks it was outstanding. Danyl gibbers at Dermot, in a truly humble way.

And that is it. Time for a quick recap of the performances - none of which, frankly, are worth a second hearing. Rad will be here tomorrow for the results - with Shakira and a Queen-based surprise. [Also, Dermot calls Shakira a "Latino superstar", which, unless she's had a sex change recently: no. - Steve] We can only hope for a Derek Acorah-led seance. Join her then!