Shell(ey) shocked

Top 11 Results - 20th October 2013

Heeeeeeere's Dermot, reminding us that Dalston Kingsland are in the sing-off, and that one act will be joining them shortly. But we can't just go straight to that part of the proceedings, oh no. First we must relive Love & Heartache Night, which mostly involved Sharon screaming "I AM ON TELEVISION, PAY ME ATTENTION!" and Nicole driving her catchphrase collection to the point of destruction. Also, SeSe from Missed Dynamics opted to go to hospital rather than endure the show. I don't know if you've ever spent a Saturday night in A&E, but let me tell you, I'd probably pick that over The X Factor these days as well. In addition to the results tonight, we also have performances from Robin Thicke and Katy Perry to look forward to. Well, I say "look forward to". I mean "trigger the apocalypse".

Titles. What if Giant X is stationary, and it's actually our planet that's hurtling towards it, rather than the other way round? Did nobody stop to consider this?

Out bops Dermot, imagining he's on the links once again. He's closely followed by the judges: Gary's wearing a pinstriped suit that looks like corduroy if you squint (so naturally, I'm going to squint for the next hour), Nicole's in a black shimmering leotard-type gown with a sheer skirt, Sharon's trussed up in Bacofoil like the oven-ready turkey that she is, and Louis is wearing a jacket that looks like it doesn't belong to him. He clearly shares a tailor with Dermot.

Dermot reminds us that the lines are still open for a short while, as long as we don't want to vote for Kingsland Road or Missed Dynamics, not that anyone ever would. Apparently two votes cost 69p on the app, which seems like such a rip off when the Beeb are giving us five free votes for Strictly each week on their website.

The group sing for this week is Avicii's 'Wake Me Up', with the male contestants doing most of the singing for the first half. This has been blocked appallingly, because contestants walk in front of the cameras twice before they even get to the first chorus. Also, whoever decided that Hannah should be made to wear a hideously unflattering black and candy-pink jumpsuit for this performance needs to have their licence to dress people revoked. Of note: Nicholas's adorably awkward dancing, Sam The Screw and Tamera apparently having a competition to see who can sound the most like Shelley (I think Sam wins by a nose), and Hannah being jarringly flat.

After that, it's time for us to revisit the events of last night. As far as unseen material goes, Sam The Screw was pleased to show a softer side of her voice, Sharon likes the likeableness of Nicholas's likeability, Abi learned a valuable lesson about not pretending to be versatile, Gary is disappointed by the existence of comedy in the universe, Nicole thinks Sam C made the biggest improvement of anyone this week, Nicole wants everyone to be afraid of Tamera, Luke hopes he can be in a boat again next week, Rough Copy apparently do not exist in any sort of backstage capacity, and Sharon and Nicole agreed that Hannah gave the performance of the night.

Back to tonight, and let's all sit here awkwardly and watch eight women look uncomfortable as they strut around in leotards and tights while the skeeziest man alive sings the rapiest song of the summer - it's Robin Thicke with 'Blurred Lines', everybody! Fortunately it is no longer the summer, so I suggest we skip right to the point where nobody puts up with his shit for a second longer. *Fast forwards to the end*. Dermot arrives and is all "WURRRRGH! LADIES!" He then asks Robin Thicke if he has room for two more ladies, because he can offer him Sharon and Nicole. Great move, Dermot. You've actually found a way to make Robin Thicke, this song (and yourself) sound even more misogynistic than usual. (For what it's worth, Sharon seems quite taken with the idea of joining Robin's female entourage, while the look on Nicole's face is more "the fuck am I doing that. I left the Pussycat Dolls for a reason".) Robin shills his tour that'll be over here in January, where he'll be playing one or both of the songs that everyone knows, and then goes off backstage to chat to Katy Perry about the coincidence that led to the most awful man in contemporary pop music and the most awful woman in contemporary pop music to end up booked on the same show at the same time.

Adverts. I'm sure I can't be the only person who wants to write "East" in front of all the Ender's Game posters, can I?

When we return, Dermot declares the lines officially closed, and has a little chat with the judges. He says that it was a big shock in the studio that Dalston Kingsland lost the Flash Vote, "obviously maybe not at home". Well yes, I'd imagine all the people that did not vote for them probably weren't terribly shocked. Gary says he didn't see it coming, and he would've changed nothing about their performance last night. Gary Barlow: Best Mentor Ever. He says they've been preparing for 24 hours and they're ready to sing for their lives. Dermot asks who's in trouble, based on last night's performances. Nicole thinks Shelley, because of the song choice. Gary agrees. Sharon votes for "little Abu Dhabi", and I think nearly everyone watching had to take a moment to work out if she was being "comically" racist about someone. Dermot clarifies "to the rest of the English-speaking language" (derp) that she meant Abi. Finally, Louis thinks it's between Abi and Shelley.

Time for our second guest of the evening, Katy Perry. Hey, remember this? Because I can't forget it, and BELIEVE ME, I'VE TRIED. Has Katy spent her time away from the show having singing lessons? LOL NO, she's spent it writing shitty "empowerment" songs and buying even shittier stage outfits, like tonight's tiger-striped dress and animal-ear headband. (Katy Perry is 28.) She still can't fucking sing, but at least the people who write her songs for her these days have cottoned on, and write songs like 'Roar' that don't actually require her to sustain a note for any length of time. She biffs the last note, because she can't sing, and then she squeals to Dermot "I get to dress up like a big cat, so I love this song!" (Katy Perry is 28.) Dermot points out that Katy Perry is on this show all the effing time, just like Kelly Rowland used to be when she was angling for a job, so would Katy ever consider joining the judging panel "if one of these seats ever became available". Dermot, at least two of them are available NEXT SERIES. Katy says she would "love to give constructive criticism". Yeah, I'm sure she'd be really incisive. She mentions her brief spell as a guest judge at auditions when Dannii was pregnant, and adds "I love that I let Niall through". That joke's too easy, isn't it? (SO IS HARRY STYLES, THANK YOU, I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK!) Katy Perry fucks off, hopefully forever.

After an ad break, we're back, and Dalston Kingsland are stood in the background behind Dermot, looking terrified and miserable. So either being in the sing-off is proving hard to handle, or they got a sneak preview of Katy's new album backstage. Dermot welcomes back the judges and what's left of their artist rosters. In no particular order, the following acts are safe and definitely through to next week: Rough Copy, Hannah (with no hair incidents this time), Sam The Screw, Luke, Tamera, Nicholas, Abi and finally Sam C, who was really starting to get the vapours towards the end there. (Fun fact: this is now the furthest Louis has ever got in the competition without having an act in the bottom two.) That means Shelley's back in the sing-off, which I think she knew was coming. As did everyone else.

Ads. I have not missed the "biscwits" panda at all.

When we return, Dermot reminds us who's in the sing-off this week, and Dalston Kingsland and Shelley make their way back out, all looking thoroughly pissed off, and with Dalston all trying to walk with their arms around each other's shoulders and failing parlously (those stairs!), like they've only just realised why there isn't generally a six-legged race on school sports days.

Dalston are singing first, so Shelley goes off to the side to join Dermot. Dalston go for the Nicole vote by actually having Thompson and Matt on lead vocals this time around, even if three of them basically just stand there going "ahhhhhh" for most of it. They're singing 'Try' by Pink, by the way - it's a little breathy and scratchy, but by the standards of boyband singoffs on this show, it's decent enough. When it's over most of them start sobbing, but no one calls them fake or accuses them of trying to manipulate the judges because a) they're men and b) this isn't The Great British Bake Off. Don't ask me, I don't make the rules.

Shelley applauds them gamely and tells them all (individually) that she loves them as they cross paths on the way to the stage. Shelley's chosen is 'Stop!' by Sam Brown, and this is pretty painful for me because I love this song and she's swallowing all her consonants and doing all her terrible club singer tics, although there are moments where she sounds great and bluesy and I remember why I liked her in the first place. Brief moments, though.

Dalston come back out to join her, and now it's time to find out who the judges are keeping. Dermot reminds us that there's no deadlock (boo!), so if there's a tie, Dalston are going home. Gary's up first, and he tells both acts that they did well, but obviously he's backing his act, so he's sending Shelley home. For the same reason, Sharon is sending Dalston home. Because this procedure is needlessly complicated, Dermot chooses this point to explain that if Nicole also votes to send Dalston home, then they're going because the best they can hope for is a tie, at which point they're automatically gone for losing the Flash Vote. Sharon can be heard buzzing in the background trying to get Nicole to save Shelley, but despite Nicole telling Shelley that she finds her inspiring, she's got to support Dalston this week, so she's sending Shelley home. So it's all down to Louis, and Sharon's going "Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis!" in his ear the whole time and kissing him all over and telling him she'll do anything, and I'm fairly certain there is a fanfic somewhere on the internet that goes something like this. I mean, Rule 34, right? It's all for nowt, though, because Louis wants to save the act with the most potential, so he's sending Shelley home. Ever the classy one, Sharon stands up and insists that Gary swaps seats with her while her act is on stage by herself insisting that she's fine, and telling Dalston that she loves them. Poor Shelley. (Dalston do seem genuinely fond of her as well, which is sweet.)

We see Shelley's best bits, including lots of shots of her adorable daughter. Present-day Shelley is in the corner of the screen, enjoying watching it back. I think deep down she knew she was never going to get much further than this. After the video package, Dermot tells her that she's going to have to give up driving and become a singer, surely? Yes, because nothing says 'give up your day job' like finishing 11th on The X Factor. Shelley says thanks to everyone on the show because she's had a great time, and Sharon is amazing. Sharon says she's gutted to have lost two acts in two weeks, because it's all about Sharon. Exeunt Sharon and Shelley.

That's it! Next week it's movie week, and The Wanted arrive for that long-delayed "ugliest boyband" head-to-head with Dalston, and someone called Lady...Gaga? Whoever she is, she'll be here. You know who else will be here? Our Helen, that's who. Be sure to join her then!