Cher Lorna-cy

Week one results.  Sunday October 13 2013

Last night!  Gary Barlow exacted his revenge on the 80s by forcing all life out of its music.  Shelley was a traitor to this borification process and ended up losing the FLASH!  VOTE! So she will be in the sing off tonight!  Also!  The judges were on autopilot!  The show embraced Twitter about as successfully as The Voice does in its ‘V’ Room!  And for some reason, Dermot’s groin was deemed to be hilarious Saturday night light entertainment!

It’s!  Time!  To!  Face!  A Load of Tedious Filler! (Also: I’m watching this on ITV player unfortunately and for some reason, you have to be over 18 to watch this episode.  I can only assume it is because of the Dermot’s groin jokes.)

Cue Giant X!  After the ignominy of the past few weeks, it’s back to occupying a fuller slot.  As it should, being the star of the show.

Dermot arrives, boxy jacket, thankfully much less groin emphasis and tells us that tonight we’ll hear from Ellie Goulding and The Actual Cher, and the sing-off has been replaced by a full-on fight.  I paraphrase a bit, but that was the gist. 

The judges arrive, Sharon still in Halloween garb, Nicole with a thigh slash up her dress, Louis in a regular suit, Gary in a not-quite-tweedy but along those lines suit.  Dermot tells us we can’t vote for Shelley now because we didn’t bother in the eight minutes phone lines were open last night, but we can still vote for the others if we’re really arsed, including via the app so you can BE THE FIFTH JUDGE O YAY.

But first!  We must have a group song!  And if you had a bet on which obviously obvious song they’d choose, you can now cash in, because it’s obviously a slowed-down (a bit) ‘Get Lucky’.  Of note: Shelley werking it like a diva, the boy blands having their vocals autotuned, Miss FrankEnBixMix sounding like a mess, the girls shouting, that one in Rough Copy who is an edgier Aston making eyes to the camera, some terrible, not-choreographed much dancing, ending in a hot fried mess and then Dermot doing a lunge for some reason. 

Dermot then reads out the puff pieces Sharon had written into her contract by saying she’s the star of the show.  Which is quite LOLarious when (SPOILERS) you consider what’s coming.  We then get a recap of last night, but I have no desire to relive that bilge again.

First guest time – Ellie Goulding!  None of the pre-show blurb mentions that she is (or was at one point anyway) BFFs with Diana Vickers, for she is one of the many ex-contestants of whom we must never speak.  The set is all trees and orbs and blues and purples and her outfit is a lot of thigh.  I mean A LOT.  The Sherz’s outfit feels positively Victorian in comparison.  Nothing wrong with that, but she looks quite uncomfortable whenever she tries to move in it.

Dermot says that Ellie Goulding is on tour and then makes her tell him who her favourite is.  She says she likes them all but eventually says Kingsland Road.  I don’t know what the right answer is, but that can’t be it.

Ads!  You can download the contestants’ songs on iTunes.  I have no idea why you would want to though.

Dermot tells us that the voting lines are closed and goes to speak to the judges.  He says that there is no FUCKING DEADLOCK this year because if the judges are tied, the loser of the flash vote goes home.  There seems to be a bit less tension inherent in this but we’ll see.  Dermot asks who the judges’ favourites were other than their own acts.  Louis: Rough Copy; Sharon: Kingsland (not Road); Gary: Sam Bailey; Nicole: Sam and Nicholas.  This YEAR OF THE GIRL isn’t very on-message (Sam aside).  Maybe they’re hedging their bets with the groups – and given the groups they’ve put through, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

Next up, THE ACTUAL CHER, who has had 6 decades in music, sold 100 million albums worldwide and who myself and my friend Becky do awesome impressions of (only singing ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’ though).  Her new single isn’t really up there with her best works, but it’s serviceable enough and it’s the ACTUAL CHER, so that makes it awesome regardless. [I can't believe we didn't get an actual Cher Week. This fucking show. - Steve] Her plastic surgeon is pretty good, by the way – she looks as she did 20 or 30 years ago (which even then was ‘enhanced’) but without the strange effects surgery gives some people.  No names, Mrs O.  She even gets the winner’s glitter falling upon her at the end – I like to think that’s a comment by the stage designers on the quality of contestants and in a couple of months time, Wee Nic/Rough Copy/Sam/Hannah/Whoever will just kind of stand there looking a bit awkward.

Ads and competition time!  If it ain’t Last Christmas, JLS, I ain’t bovvered.

Dermot reminds us that votes are closed and Shelley is in the sing-off and now it’s time to see who else is, as Sharon and Funsponge continue their fight to be the worstest ever mentor ever.

Safe are: Kingsland; Abi; Sam C; Sam B; MissFrankEnDynaBixMix (who look completely shocked as well they might); Hannah (who cries, obviously); Wee Nic (wearing Tartan for an early play on the Scottish vote); Tamera; Rough Copy and Luke, meaning Lorna is in the sing-off and Sharon has the two acts with the lowest vote.  So basically a standard year for Mrs O then.  Dermot reminds us about the sing-off.

Ads.  Boo to ITVPlayer getting all snidey about browsers with ad blockers on. 

We’re reminded yet again how the sing-off works because that’s how little intelligence this show believes we have.  Shelley is first, singing ‘One Night Only’ and with clothing, hair and make-up to make her look a good 15 years older than she is (/claims to be).  Sadly, it stays as the slow version all the way through as it would have been good to have the beat kick in.  However, she does a very decent fist of it – it’s nothing you haven’t heard before and there are places of volume=good but I do love her quite a bit and think she acquitted herself very well, especially given she knew she had the fewest votes.  She gives Lorna a teary hug.

Lorna (also made to look a good 10-15 years older than she is.  This is the problem with the ‘overs’ – they’re often not much older than the boys or girls yet have to be made out to be ancient in comparison) sings ‘There You’ll Be’.  Hilariously, Rylan pointed out on Twitter that these are the exact same songs he and Carolynne did in the first sing-off last year.  And people think this show is predictable.  This is not especially good for a sing-off – I didn’t notice it so much on first viewing but she goes out of tune for an awful lot of it – she has a decent vocal tone and clear power but there are a lot of issues here.  Shelley basically walked this one.

For some ridiculous reason, Dermot goes to Sharon first, who abstains as she always does (which gets a whoop from the baying audience).  Louis says it was an amazing sing-off but he’s sending Lorna home (at which the audience boo, but let’s face it, they’d boo whoever he said because the X Factor audience are morons).  Gary says it was awesome and if Shelley had sung like that before she’d not be in the bottom (except for her vote being split with Sam B’s).  He says Lorna had tuning issues but has an awesome voice so he’s sending Shelley home.  Nicole says Lorna has blown her away.  Dermot asks for the act she is sending home.  Nicole: Shelley…… there is more from you to see.  Oh, Nicole, a dramatic fake-out pause already?  Tut tut.  She’s sending home Lorna.

Her best bits: auditions we either didn’t see or only saw a bit of, crying, being styled in some uncomfortable ways.  Not featured: her alleged love of posing with firearms.  Dermot asks Lorna what her favourite bit was – she says getting to Boot Camp.  So… basically she’s hated everything other than the first audition that we didn’t see.  Good-oh.

Next week!  As if it wasn’t bad enough on Strictly, we’ve got LOVE WEEK.  Oh and Katy Perry and Robin Thicke are turning up which I’m sure will delight Helen and Steve no end. [I'm going to need a lot of Pepto Bismol. - Steve]