Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Miss-ed opportunities

Movie Week Results – 27th October 2013

Hello and welcome back to my first results show recap of the series. LAST NIGHT the bus was driven very firmly in the direction of Missed Dynamics and it hit them with frightening accuracy as they lost the flash vote and have a very definite place in the bottom two. We’re also promised some GAGA. Exciting!

Dermot reminds us of this as everyone stands behind him wearing red. We’re treated to a brief recap of last night, alongside fake movie poster reviews.  We’re reminded that Abi, Sam Callaghan and Missed Dynamics were all kinds of awful, which let’s face it, they were. Before we find out who’s for the off, we’ve got to endure the wanted and celebrate the majesty that is Gaga. Louis knows someone has to go home, Sharon refuses to lose SamBailey because she’s too good and Nicole can’t do a lunge because she’s not a Pussycat Doll anymore.  THEIR LOSS IS OUR GAIN.

But what’s this? Oh shit, it’s Dermot. Remember when you used to like seeing Dermot? ‘Member that? Remember when he wore nice outfits including lycra and didn’t take himself too seriously on BBLB? Remember when he used to do T4 and you thought “Ooh, I liked him, but how old is Margherita Taylor exactly?”. I remember. It’s what this show does to people. Kate Thornton doesn’t even know who Kate Thornton is any more.  Suitwatch – Same as yesterdays only grey. He tries to convince us that The Wanted are an exciting thing and gets us ready for GAGA. He introduces the judges. Louis is going blue velvet jacket and skinny tie and very nice it is too. Sharon is going for full length black brocade, Nicole for the Angelina one leg look and Funsponge in plain black. Oh he’s such a rebel.  Dermot reminds us that they are two singers and two managers but all four are fruitcakes. Don’t let Funsponge hear you call him that. He hates cake. He still remembers the fat years.  Can we get on with this please? Oh yeah, it’s a voting thing so here are the numbers.

Ten will become nine tonight but there’s a song first. Oh good. It’s Bruno Mars without the fun distraction of looking at how ridiculous Bruno Mars is as a human. Rough Copy do the Murs legs for the mams as they sing about sex taking them to paradise in the manner of three virgins taking about how they’ve totally done it so shut up. Dalston Junction make me want to punch them even more than usual and Missed Dynamics look shit scared. As would anyone else when faced with a double decker bus. Sambailey comes out in the end and does the big note because she’s the only one that can. Remember when they mimed this? Good times.

BUY THE APP, but before that, the backstage reaction and more of revisiting last night.  They love putting Rough Copy in Skorts. They’re totally trying to bring back to the 90s. Rough Copy bring it apparently. Sam Callahan is very pretty but negative comments don’t get him down. Nicole loves his attitude though. Hannah did Adull and loved Funsponge’s feedback. Nicholas was good yet dull and really should act younger. Backstage he thinks the performance was amazing. Abi next. Oh Abi, so very, very bad. Nicole felt the judges were too harsh and she feels she’s been working hard. SamBailey was MACHESTICAL indeed Steven, you were right. She thinks it was amazing.  Stoke Newington enjoyed performing to a screaming audience. Louis thought it was Karaoke West End. Luke of the Dump has stronger and more consistent vocals according to Nicole and he’s going to keep the standard up. Tamera was, well, in  another league.  Just give it to her already.  Save us all this pain. She’s happy and proud to get the song right. Funsponge’s Stars in their Eyes comment is erased.

So! You thought they were safely in America touring their 9 MILLION SINGLES SOLD WORLDWIDE and their TWO PLATINUM ALBUMS. They have been NUMBER ONE IN 13 COUNTRIES but sadly they are here tonight. It’s the other direction, THE WANTED. The one that looks five with the freakishly deep voice and the monobrow starts off pretending to play the piano. The rest tip up. One looks like he could cut a bitch with his cheekbones and the rest look precisely like Crimewatch photofits. I feel like I should just hand over my handbag to save them the trouble of mugging me. It’s boring. They don’t make boybands like they used to.

When the ordeal is over Durrbot attempts to interview them and the summation of his in depth questioning allows us to learn that The Wanted have been on an aeroplane, they wrote a song and they are going to be going on another aeroplane. THIS IS FROST NIXON LEVEL STUFF HERE.

Five minute warning for the vote! After the break it’s GAGA. BUY THE DOWNLOADS.

When we get back the lines are closed but while they count them, it’s GAGA TIME.  Now, Gaga’s history on this show has been Epic. Remember the headless stuff last year? CLASSIC. This time she’s sold 24 MILLION ALBUMS and 90 MILLION SINGLES and won 5X GRAMMY AWARDS. She’s LADY FUPPING GAGA and she’s about to school us all.

Lady Gaga is playing an acoustic guitar wearing a wig that looks like it’s been procured from a particularly cheap hooker. At first glance she is nude but it becomes clear she’s wearing nude underwear and some sea shells like the women around her. Now, this show has conditioned me to shout obscenities at the screen whenever an acoustic guitar appears but I hold out a bit because it’s Gaga. The dancers disperse and she shouts VENUS and HELLO LONDON and we’re in to the performance proper. She does an insane dance in front of Botticelli’s Venus painting. Well, an approximation of it.  She dances awkwardly and manages to lose both of her seashell boobs so she’s just dancing in her bra and pants, like she’s someone’s actual nightmare.  But hold up! There’s a piano! She pulls off her wig and she’s got a black bob underneath. She does some more interpretive dancing but this causes her pants to become so wedged in her, ahem, that there’s going to be no more penis rumours ever ever. She urges us to do whatever we want with her body. She seems to be miming at this point, some of it at least. I’m utterly transfixed as she jumps on top of the piano and starts humping it. BRAVO LADY GAGA. BRAVO.  She then pretends to like Dermot and even asks if she can stay. HECK YEAH YOU CAN. [I will always enjoy Gaga turning up, but her new material's a bit bobbins, isn't it? - Steve] Dermot reminds us that she sang two songs. Cutting edge as ever. She says that she’s been working on the album for two years and she wanted to show the breadth of the songs. She produced the songs by herself and it’s coming out tonight. She hopes that we like it and we understand the statement about fame. She only wants to make us smile. She’s rambling. She’s insane. I love her. Durrbot asks if she’s cured her beef with Sharon and apparently they made it up at G.A.Y. I hope it was in the bogs. She runs off to hug her. She’s INSANE AND I LOVE IT.

Marvin from JLS wants us to ring up and win a holiday. LISTEN TO MARVIN.

When we return from the advertising break, we are told that it’s time to find out who’s in the bottom two with Missed Dynamics.  Here’s everyone back on stage.  Through tomorrow are, in no particular order, Rough Copy, Abi THEFUCK?! Alton, Luke of the Dump, (after which Louis says to someone “we know where this is going, don’t we?” and Nicholas angrily replies that he should stop saying that. Ooops, someone’s mic was on when it wasn’t supposed to be) Tamera, Nicholas, (who says to Sam Callaghan something which sounds like ‘stay positive’ and Louis gives a sarcastic OOOOOOOOOOOOK. I think the plan for tonight is to have Sam in the bottom two with Missed Dynamics so they can go. I think Louis is wise to this but why nobody has turned his mic off yet I will never ever know. Heads are gonna roll) [I was cooking throughout this whole bit and ITV's webstreaming was playing up so I missed all of that drama and had no idea. Thanks for filling me in! - Steve] Sambailey, Brick Lane and finally Sam Callahan. The actual? Oh this wasn’t the plan at all. Sam screams in Louis’ face that he doesn’t believe it. Hannah is in the sing off. Oh Hannah. Hold it together. That segment was nearly six minutes long so it’s time for another ad break.

When we return, Dermot introduces the acts fighting to stay. Hannah is going first. Durrbot feels that he has to explain that Missed Dynamics are going second.  Nicole introduces Hannah by saying she was shocked that she’s in the bottom two when they threw the bus at Abi and Sam Callaghan but there it is and hopefully Hannah will show everyone why she’s meant to be there. As always I’ll be the judge of that. To show us she’s not dull she’s doing a Sandy Emily number. She’s wobbling before she’s even finished the first chorus.  All this performance does is show us she’s not much of a performer. She’s technically proficient but she’s not interesting to watch.  Until she starts crying then it becomes just painful. The only people around to comfort her are her competition, who refuse to take their places because they want to hug her.  Someone in the audience starts shouting and doesn’t stop all the way through Funsponge’s introduction. I can’t make it out but I think it’s something about giving  Hannah a hug.

So Miss Dynamix sing like they know they’re for it. They give the Swedish House Mafia track all they’ve got but as my friend Robert says, they should worry, child. Over to the judges.
Dermot reminds us that in the event of a deadlock, Missed Dynamix will go. Nicole thinks they gave it their all and it was their best performance but she’s saving her act. Funsponge thinks his group did themselves proud. He’s shocked at Hannah being in the bottom because he loved her performance and urges everyone to remember to vote for her but he’s sending her home. Sharon wants to tell everyone that the sing off was awesome but reminds everyone that everyone should sing like that all the time, not only when they’re on. Someone in the audience interrupts but before Sharon has the chance to cuss them out properly. She’s sending Missed Dynamics home which renders Louis’ voice useless. They’re going. It’s ok though, because he would’ve voted for them anyway.

So that’s it. Remember ladies, your womb is fine until it functions. When it does and you feel a bit poorly you will have the bus thrown at you, just like in the real world! Durrbot spouts some shit about the pressure on Frankenbands but we all know what’s going on here. SHAME ON YOU ALL. The band feel that tonight has been their highlight and they’ve shown they can sing. Funsponge urges them to stick together because they have something special. Great.

So that’s it. Join Steve next week to see how not so secret Club Classics Week pans out.

1 comment:

Lia said...

Gaga!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All I could mutter was "she's insane" after that performance. And I still love her.
Abi Bominable will probably be hunted next week. I'm bored so I really don't give a shit. Let's see which Disco song she's gonna Borelow to an unrecognizable piece of crap. And somewhere in Ireland Melanie weeps...