(Not so) Abi Talk

Movie Week, Live Shows week 3 – 26^th October 2013

Hello! And welcome to the third week of live shows, also known as Helen thought she’d got away with not having to recap any of the behemoth live shows but not quite.  Last Week Steve talked you through Kingsmill Road’s near death and Shelley’s ultimate exit. Never fear though, there’s going to be plenty more drama this week I’m sure. For starters, the X begins in black and white because it’s movie week. Nicole is even roaring! It’s also exciting because we’re getting the movie premiere outing out of the way early.

Tonight! We’re starring Funsponge and the groups. They have to bring it big time. Nicole wants her three little girls to shine! Louis wants the judges to be terrified of rhea boys and Sharon and Sam are going to shine and aren’t going down without a fight. It’s time to face the music! GIANT X.

Our leading man Durrbot arrives on stage pretending to be James bond. His suit is so ill fitting that I actually think I see a bit of tummy as he does his arm roll thing. It’s blue. [Wow, he should probably see a doctor about that. - Steve] He comes on and makes some protracted movie puns but eventually gets down to casting the judges. He wanted people who were ruthless, loud, stubborn and opinionated and he’s pretty pleased with the choice. It’s the judges! Oh dear LORD Funsponge has got a light sabre. (“Hold this Gaz, the kids’ll love it” “eee, I’m not sure, looks like a weapon” “nah, it’s just a toy” “oh ok, if you’re sure.” “JUST FUCKING TAKE IT”). Louis Walsh is resplendent in black, Sharon has come as C3P0 and/or an Oscar. Nicole is missing the front of her dress and Funsponge is in a tux with a skinny tie. They move over to Durrbot and strike movie poses while they announce the flash vote. Durrbot’s chunky rugby thighs nearly pop his suit and Nicole’s left boob almost pops out. LIVE TV EVERYONE. The flash vote is explained, but not the point of it.

But to the actual performances. First up its leading man Funsponge with Rough Copy! As the VT begins, Funsponge is having a conversation with the group about how proud their mams must be of them. One of them (Sterling) suggests that Funsponge might like to meet his mum. OF COURSE HE WOULD LIKE THAT, IT SAYS SO IN THE SCRIPT. We’re shown his mum. She was the mad one what kissed Dermot on the face when they got through at auditions. Funsponge wants her sent to his dressing room. He’s going to let security know she’s coming.  When she gets to his dressing room she’s all hugs and chat up lines, including  giving out her number.  Kazeem then says that she might be Sterling’s mum but she’s like a mum to all of them. Sterling is offended by the suggestion that she only might be his mum. OH THE HILARITY. They go on to talk about the film premiere which was THOR TWO and Sterling’s mum came with them. She loves the lights and is so excited that she slaps herself. They’re all quite sweetly excited actually, especially that they’re sharing the red carpet with A listers like Idris Elba.  This week they’re singing a song from Robin Hood Prince Of Thieves. OH I WONDER WHAT THAT COULD BE? They think that nobody will be expecting it. Funsponge thinks that it needs good vocals but if anyone can pull it off its them. LET ME BE THE JUDGE OF THAT, TIGHTPANTS.

Of course it’s Everything I Do. Even though it’s cut very short, it still feels like it goes on for longer than the original was at number one. It’s been ballided for one, it’s got that ridiculous sub-dubstep (substep?) backing track and it has not one, but two key changes and a couple of random choirs. It’s fawful.

Nicole wants to give them all a squeeze because that’s how you kick off a show. They don’t disappoint, she likes how they all have their individual moments to shine but it can be a bit pitchy when they’re all together. Other than that they are a vision and she wants to come to their concert. Louis thinks they’re a little Boyz II Men. He loves there’s three strong singers and he likes their style and vocals and thinks there has to be a gap in the market for them. Sharon thinks they’re beyond week three standard. She loves the outfits and seeing them sing something in a different tempo. She loves the song choice and Funsponge says it was their choice. He’s only got one thing to say -  he sings OH YEAH and I want to punch him more than usual. They’re known for the fun but he’s happy they’ve ditched that this week and just sung.

Durrbot then asks them if they enjoyed getting rid of the usual boyband fayre and just singing. They agree. The end. How pointless was this segment. BUY THE APP.  Apparently, though, in an unprecedented move, there’s going to be two acts before the first adverts. I am unused to this kind of luxury. Durrbot announces that when you think of action heroes, you often think of Louis Walsh. He’s half right, he’s still the only voice of sense on this show. We’re kicking off with Sam Callahan.

Sam was pleased with his performance from last week. OF COURSE HE WAS. He says that it was nice to get complimented on his singing voice rather than his looks. To illustrate this, we see him talking about doing a photoshoot illustrated by him in a wet tshirt. No show knows it’s audience like this one.  He finds his abs embarrassing to talk about. He points out that he is Torso of the Week in Heat Magazine and OMG THAT’S SO EMBARRASING. We haven’t mentioned the Premiere yet so we have a shot set up of Louis telling him that he’s going. He tells us how excited he was and how he’d always wanted to go to a premiere. That’s about all he can string together. He says it was amazing but he’s here to give the performance of a lifetime.

Because it’s all about the singing, Sam is wearing ridiculously tight trousers and a ridiculously tight shirt that show off his singing voice perfectly. He’s singing “All I Want Is You “ by U2 which he manages fairly inoffensively until he tries to do a key change.

Sharon likes the song and the drummer. Snerk. She wants to know where in the name of Gummo that song came from. Sam has his answer practiced, Reality Bites. He delivers this answer in the manner I did when my grandma made me phone up BBC radio Cumbria with an answer to a quiz in that he knows what he’s supposed to say but when pressed he can say no more. Sharon asks him about Reality Bites and he can only reply that it’s a film.  Louis tries to save it by saying it’s from Rattle and Hum and Sharon is the one that rattles. She agrees but thinks that the song choice is weird. It’s supposed to be movie week not Irish week. She thinks he sung it well though. Funsponge thinks the song choice exposed his weak vocals and he will live and die by song choice. [I think he'll live and die by wardrobe choices - the minute he wears a loose-fitting long-sleeved shirt, he's outta here. - Steve] Nicole agrees and says that his vocals are getting stronger every week but he’s not strong enough for Bono yet. She’d like to see him with more edge.  Louis couldn’t give two fucks what anyone else thinks because the audience love him and they’ll work harder next week.

Durrbot presses Sam on what he thinks about the song. He says that it was a group decision but mentions that the song choice changed midweek. Dermot then goes on to ask Sam if he’s even got the edge that Nicole wants to see. Sam replies that there’s more to see from him that’s why he’s enjoying the theme weeks. Oh just end this painful charade and have him sing topless damn it. We all know that’s where this is headed. He milks it as he leaves.

After the break – Hannah and Nicholas. Oh the sweet release of the ad break.

When we return it’s Nicole and the girls. We’re starting with Hannah. Nicole points out that her life has changed loads since the show began because she used to be a baker. Nicole wants to go to Greggs to see what her life used to be like. I love Nicole because she manages the kind of enthusiasm for Greggs that nobody has ever had ever. Nicole even eats a sausage roll and manages to pretend she likes it. She even manages to put on a hairnet and Greggs uniform and work behind the counter. This woman is a goddess. As much as Hannah loves working in the generic High St bakery, she loves singing more. So much that she’s ruining music for all of us by singing Skyfall by Adele. We see her rehearsing the big notes. She interviews that she’s struggling with the end note in rehearsals. OOH DANGER VOCALS. She’s proud to have Nicole as a mentor and she hopes to do her proud.

She does a Hannah job of it, which means she sings it serviceably enough but makes it sad. She’s dressed nicely though. She’s wearing a figure hugging dress which is unusual for this show and chubbers. OF COURSE she makes the big note at the end. Was there ever really any doubt?

Louis kicks off the feedback by saying that she was only born to sing, she looks great and it was emotional and soulful. Ten out of ten. Sharon thinks she’s unstoppable, she’s found her comfort zone and she’s unstoppable. She’s “like a real contender” and she’s 30 out of ten. Funsponge thinks she’s unbeatable, he likes her growth and that she took on an Adele song and won. She makes Nicole want to get up and act like an idiot, which is HIGHLY UNUSUAL. She thinks she added soul to an Adele song. She’s beautiful, worked hard and she’s proud of her.

Durrbot  comments on the electric atmosphere and wonders how she’s feeling. She feels good and she tried hard because she picked the song. She’s happy. Durrbot remarks that this is a change from the usual. Bitch.

Next up is Nicholas. He’s excited for movie week. Louis wants him to sing Angel by Sarah McLaughlin from the movie City Of Angels. Nicholas pulls a “WTF granddad” face at this but says that he really likes it. Louis wonders where he heard it as HE IS SO YOUNG. He doesn’t reply. Louis then remarks that he’s the baby of the house. That’s ok though, because he’s been LEARNING STUFF. Sam Bailey has taught him how to use a washing machine and he’s taught himself how to iron. He Skypes his mum to tell her this. She’s proud. Into rehearsals, we’re reminded that HE’S ONLY 16. Louis also reminds him that he needs to put lots of emotion in it. He knows his place depends on it. He can’t wait to go out and sing it. Let’s have a look then.

Well, despite all the ONLY SIXTEEN nonsense, they’ve dressed him up like an old man but he’s singing the song on a stage with some dancers who  are sitting down so it’s all modern, like. He McElderrys the SHIT out of the song. This means he sings it perfectly but doesn’t inject any personality in it. He makes it so generic it could be a karaoke backing track. Oh well.

Sharon wants to know how old he is. Of course she does. Does anyone know? She loves the song, loves the emotion in the song and he looks all grown up like a big boy. Funsponge loved it because it was dull. He would like him to be less serious next week and sing a song for a SIXTEEN year old. Nicole thinks that he’s singing fine songs. He looks like a baby Buble and he’s so calming she wants to go sailing with him. The fuck? Has she been drinking? [If not, I think Luke's got a boat they can borrow. Not a SAILING boat, though. - Steve] Louis thinks he has a natural recording voice and hopes ALL OF SCOTLAND vote for him.

Durrbot has a rare moment of self awareness and asks if anyone else wants to mention Nicholas’ age. Sharon interrupts and says he’s SEXTEEN but then realises that could possibly be misconstrued into something with a whiff of Yewtree so she pretends that she was doing a Scottish accent. Durrbot wonders if Nicolas would like to sing songs that were a bit more upbeat. He tells everyone that next week is Disco week so if he’s around then he will be doing something more exciting. Dermot then points to a Scottish stereotype in the audience who is Nicholas’ Godfather. Nicolas’ godfather is wearing a kilt, a See You Jimmy at and Nicholas’ face on a stick. Excellent.

AFTER THE BREAK – Abi and Miss Dynamix. I CAN’T WAIT (for this to be over).

When we return from the break we’re back with Nicolas’ godfather who is enjoying his five minutes, but that’s enough of that, it’s Abi’s turn. Abi interviews that last week wasn’t her best. She got a lot of criticism for her rubbish performance.  This week she’s bringing it back to her and singing Moon River by Audrey Hepburn from Breakfast at Tiffany’s. She’s never seen it so she and Nicole pretend to have a girl’s night in and watch it wearing onesies. Abi loves Nicole because she just wants to win help her to do well . The song is more emotional and stripped back than last weeks, so Abi feels she’s back in her comfort zone.  Abi is excited to perform the show. Not only did she pretend to watch a film with Nicole, Abi also got to go to a movie premiere and pretend to be kooky around Chris Hemsworth. She remarks that the red carpet is a long way from tea on her sofa back home. She’s coming back fighting this week. I hope she means literally.

She does come back fighting. She’s fighting the tune with all of her might because she really doesn’t want to be in it. The only way it could be  improved is if it was sung like Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady. By someone else. It’s so terrible it’s almost as if she’s going to start crying at several points during the performance because she knows how terrible it is. See the issue here is that this song is already ballided to shit and doesn’t need to be ballided further, but they’ve tried, bless ‘em.

Louis wasn’t a fan last week but she’s dusted herself off and this performance has put her back in the race.  Sharon thinks she was brave to sing only with an acoustic guitar but there was no emotion or charisma in the performance and all she inspires is people to put the kettle on. Thank goodness for the sense. Mrs O. Funsponge thought it was brave and beautiful but it was too overthought and the artist has been lost. For once we agree. He liked the way she ballided normal songs instead of just singing ballids.  Nicole’s defence is that Abi grew up with the song on her piano. She doesn’t make it clear if we’re taking a physical copy or it was written on there. Nicole says that if we keep her in she’ll  come out with her daffodils swinging.

Durrbot wonders wtf they want from Abi because she’s been boring from the start and they shouldn’t really expect anything else. Sharon wants the X Factor. I’m glad we remember that’s what we’re looking for. Nicole defends Sharon by saying it was good advice as Sharon only wants to help. Abi starts crying and Nicole spins this by saying that the public like her vulnerability. She says she’s upset because she’s trying so hard.

Just when we think it couldn’t get worse, we’re going backstage to Caroline Flack. She’s interviewing Sam Callaghan. OF COURSE SHE IS. She asks him a question about his rubbish performance that is so loaded it’s Frankie and Bennies potato skins about his rubbish performance. He agrees he was rubbish but he’s taking risks because it’s NOT THE VOICE. Ooh. Caroline then wonders what sets him apart. He says he’s got stuff other than his voice going on . LIKE HIS ABS. His parents have been reading twitter and have read some tweets that aren’t about his abs or him being shit that have questioned what the judges were listening to. They think he was brilliant.

Back to Durrbot and it’s the turn of Miss Dynamix. SeSe is suddenly more pregnant than she’s ever been. The baby is fine and they’re back. They’re gutted because they wanted to earn their place rather than being given a free pass. Apparently there’s been some negative comments online about how they don’t deserve to be there. SeSe is fine and Funsponge is happy to have her back. SeSe is crying because she’s being judged for being selfish. She’s JUST TRYING TO MAKE A BETTER LIFE FOR HER CHILDREN. Funsponge tells her to stop going on twitter and I scream at the telly that WE ALEADY HAVE ONE ST JESY THE PATRON SAINT OF NOT GOOGLING YOURSELF WE DON’T NEED ANOTHER.  Funsponge urges the other girls to look after SeSe and to not let her near any of the Samsung branded internet products. Enough of that though, SeSe feeling a bit unwell has brought them together as a group. Tonight they’re going to prove that they deserve to be in the competition.

They’re doing Dreams by Gabrielle. Was this in a film? [Apparently it's in Magnolia. It's also the same song they were doing for Love & Heartbreak week before SeSe collapsed, so...make of that what you will. - Steve] They’re wearing neon and they’ve gone all substep for this one. They’re also singing a bit out of time but I think that might be supposed to be part of the substep theme. The whole thing is like someone took the Bixmix script but crossed out ‘feminist’ and stuck ‘urban’ in its place. Despite the urban theme, there’s still a key change. Of course there is.

Nicole kicks off the feedback. She knows they’ve been through a lot together. She likes the song choice and the girl power but the vocals and the energy didn’t cut it. Nicole thinks that it shows that they’ve only just come together. Louis agrees but thinks that they shouldn’t have spent so much time on twitter looking for people talking about them and more time rehearsing and perhaps they’re missing something. Sharon also thinks they’re missing something and Sharon makes the South African one click because looking at forrins being funny is a perfectly reasonable way to spend Saturday night. [That was VERY uncomfortable. Oh Sharon. - Steve] Funsponge thinks that perhaps the criticism is a bit unfair and he for one is glad that SeSe is well. Oh what a surprise. They’re throwing the bus at the girl group with the audacity to have a womb. Stay classy, X Factor.

Durrbot asks if they felt like they’ve proved themselves. They think they have. SeSe doesn’t want to use her illness as an excuse cos everyone gets ill but the public literally don’t have the capacity to understand how much they want it. Way to self sabotage.  SeSe begs for another chance and if they do come back they will come back and make everyone proud. Hmm.

Enough of that now, it’s time for the adverts.

When we return it’s time for Sharon’s final act. She can’t believe she’s the only over left. It was hard to see Shelley go but she’s going to keep going for Sharon. She can’t believe that she’s been at a premiere this week signing autographs. Neither can we. She confesses that before she was a prison officer she did a few small gigs in social clubs and it was very unglamorous. She’s also done a cruise ship which was like Butlins on Water. Sharon has given her  My Heart Will Go On. OF COURSE SHE HAS. Sam then tells a hilarious story about how she nearly died on a boat but still had to sing it. LOL. She had vowed never to sing it again but they’re making her whether she likes it or not.

They’ve dressed her as a boat and got her substantial chebs out for her performance. She does the performance that she always does. She bellows it in everyone’s faces with lots of echo and pulls angry faces. She then looks relieved when it’s over. It was ever thus.

Funsponge remarks on the crowd reaction. Apparently the audience are representative of the people. Funsponge says he saw Celine in Vegas and she was better. Nicole thought it was MAJESTICAL [I think she may even have said "machesticles". I really hope she did. - Steve] and Sambailey is Britain’s Celine.  Louis thinks she was magical and she looks like a little Disney princess. Sharon says that she will give Sambailey everything. Sharon hopes Simon is watching and signs her. Sam is interviewed by Dermot about her near death experience and still manages to be boring.  Excellent work.

Competition, adverts, help me.

When we return, Durrbot is in the audience with Bixmix who are taking a break from representing women everywhere including America. Well done! They like Kingsland Road and Sam. This is just as well as Kingsland Road are next. They’re watching back their terrible performance from last week on their YouView box in order to see where they went wrong. Can a YouView box go back to their time of conception and prevent it? I don’t think it can.  Anyway, Shoreditch High St think that their saving performance was very passionate and they’re going to try to find a way to get the passion in to every week. They rehearse at every moment, unless they’re going back to actual Kingsland Road to remember where they came from. They’re going to perform like it’s their last chance.

They’re singing Pretty Woman atop some scaffolding. I can’t hear it for my own shouts of FALL OFF YOU HIPSTER TWATS. I can’t put my finger on why they’re so awful. I think that it’s because they seem to have adopted all the tropes that have ever existed on this shithouse of a programme and adopted them in order to become potentially unstoppable but all it’s done is make them irritate me.

So what do the judges make of Old St? Nicole thinks their harmonies were good and the lead vocals were improved. She thought it was raining cheese at times but she kind of liked it. She thinks it was the best performance. Louis thought the song choice was cheesy and dated but the hair was better. Sharon thinks it was a bit Jersey Boys but they need to pull back on the cheese a touch. Funsponge was shocked by the flash vote last week and tells Louis to STFU because they needed an up-tempo number amid all the ballids.  Dermot wonders what it was like being in the bottom two. They didn’t enjoy it but they came back fighting. They’re working hard not to be in that situation again. We’ll see.

Final boy time! Xenophobically he’s doing it for Devon and cream teas, it’s Luke of the Dump! Luke of the Dump manages to mention in the first five minutes that he’s just a boy from Devon. He must be doing badly if we’re going for the regional vote.  He’s happy to be in the competition. Louis asks him what it’s like for him to go to international shopping centre Westfield. He replies that it takes him ages to get anywhere but he’s so cool with it he’s got a name for his fans – Friendees. [Wouldn't "friends" have been more straightforward? - Steve] Lots of people notice his hair first. They want to smell it. I want to burn it. He doesn’t want the support to end.  Louis thinks that Luke of the Dump has got a lot of support behind him but he will do something this week that will make a lot of people happy. Cut to the hairdresser asking if he can wash his hair. Luke seems unsure, but goes for it. It looks the same but smells better. He still looks like he’s been dragged through a hedge. Louis reminds him to keep an eye on his vocals.

He does. He makes them more affected and breathy than usual.  He’s wearing an honest to goodness cravat and singing Kiss From A Rose. He gets the words wrong and it falls into club singer territory at time, but he gets bonus points for at least pretending to play his guitar even though it not plugged in to anything. Oh Stig.

Sharon thinks he’s got a distinctive vocal that sets him aside. He has an edge and is dirty but he’s got his own thing going on. She likes the song choice and thinks his vocals have improved. Funsponge thinks it’s the surprise of the night and he’s growing into the role assigned to him by the producers. Nicole loves the song choice, he seems more comfortable with his guitar and she wants to sniff his head. Louis reveals that Luke of the dump chose the song and it was his most relaxed performance to date. Durrbot wonders how he’s feeling. He says he got to sing one of his favourite songs and he’s been learning and he wants to learn more. He also enjoys playing his guitar. Because he’s  a rocker. Do you see?

Caroline is backstage though and still not allowed near Nicholas. She tries to talk to Tamera but she’s dragged off before she can get a chance. She’s also wondering how Abi is. She said she tried her best. She then asks the Abi Parents another loaded question about how awful it must be to see their terrible daughter crying onstage. Her dad blames the tough song choices and her mum says everyone at home is supporting her.

Only one more act to go! Thank heck.

After the break Durrbot welcomes us to the live final. Is it over?! Can we go home?! Of course we can’t, Durrbot is just a terrible presenter. It’s the last of the girls though, it’s Tamera’s turn. She’s doing Listen. She wanted to be Beyonce when she was a kid (piss off) and when Dreamgirls came out she used to watch it every day after school (no seriously, PISS OFF). She’s even handily made a video of herself singing it as a kid and they watch it on the Samsung tablet. Singing it on the X Factor means lots to her. Nicole reminds her that once she’s in the lyrics  she’ll take off in a rocket ship. Oh Nicole. Tamera is also getting  a makeover this week. They’ve made her look even more like Beyonce to sing Listen.  I can only hope that at some point this happens.

So yeah, Tamera sings Listen and she makes everyone else look like amateurs. The end. Can we not just give it to her already? Seriously. This is just a charade now. It’s embarrassing for everyone.  It’s every inch a finale performance. I’m expecting Harry Styles to come and tell her how much pussy she’s going to get.

Louis thinks she stole the show with her star quality. He urges her to work hard and he loves the hair. Sharon thinks she’s the ideal little young gorgeous popstar. She has everything going for her. She would like to hear a bit more soul though and a bit more connection. She calls her Tamara. Funsponge thinks it’s an amazing vocal performance but warns her against being a Beyonce impersonator. Louis disagrees cos he knows his Beyonce. Nicole thinks that we should remember that she’s ONLY SIXTEEN and she’s got the balls to take on a song from someone twice her age. She’s pleased to be able to sing it on the X Factor stage.

That’s it! Numbers please! Don’t forget the flash vote. We have a recap of everyone to kill time before the useless flash vote. I use this opportunity to watch the ABurke/Beyonce video again because it’s awesome and so am I.  Everyone arrives back on stage. Durrbot speaks to Sam Bailey who says that the boys in the house need a mum and that’s her.  Sam Callahan says something about his abs I think. Luke of the Dump is elated to have been named the performance of the night. Nicholas has worked hard to be here and has had the time of his life. Tamera is so glad she got to sing the song. Abi has more to give. Of course you do dearie. Hannah feels blessed to be here and she’s going to keep fighting. Rough Copy are also blessed and happy to be there. London Fields want to keep entertaining us and Miss Dynamix hope that people can see their potential and that’s the end of the 10 minutes. Now to spend another 10 waiting for Durrbot JUST TO READ THE BLOODY THING OUT.

Ad break. Come on.

The judges arrive back onstage. Durrbot wants to know if Sharon is nervous. She’s both nervous and desperate. Louis is happy but nervous. Nicole is also nervous but she knows the girls have given it their all. Funsponge is... wait for it.. nervous.

First safe category is The Girls. We can’t believe it either, Abi. Next up is The Overs. Louis looks nervous. Final category safe is The Boys which means that it’s one of the groups. OH SURELY NOT THE PREGNANT GROUP THAT YOU DROVE A BUS INTO TONIGHT? I CAN SCARCELY BELIEVE IT.  Of course it is.  Damn those pesky wimmins and their functioning ladyparts.  Durrbot reminds them that’s not the end but they are taking it as an opportunity to rehearse. [Good luck with that - you had two weeks to rehearse 'Dreams' and it still sucked. - Steve]  Lets vote to see who they’re taking on.

So that’s it. Join me tomorrow for The Wanted and LADY FUPPING GAGA.