You know what? Sod it

Top 7 Results: 28th November 2010

We join Dermot backstage, where the contestants are anxiously awaiting their fate. Hilariously, someone is putting the finishing touches to Liam from Wan Direction's ridiculous barnet for him. A weary-sounding Dermot reminds us of the impending double elimination, and how two acts will be SENT HOME FOR GOOD within the next hour, as he makes his way to the stage and opens the show.

We're reminded briefly of how we left things last night, with Cheryl proclaiming that Cher "smashed it" and Simon and Louis arguing about whether Joe Cocker was or was not a rock singer. Still fighting for survival amidst all this are Dannii and Lazy DECORATOR, Louis and the overs, WAGNER and Tesco MARY, Cheryl and her in-no-way-artificially-supported three remaining girls, Cher LLOYD, Rebecca JAZZNOODLE and Katie WAISSEL, and Simon and the last group, Wan DIRECTION. Coming up tonight with an exclusive performance are The WANTED (shudder), celebrity lesbian Justin BIEBER (SHUDDER), and former guest judge, winner of Dancing With The Stars and all-round slab of gaymazing awesomeness, Nicole SCHERZINGER (hooray!). It's time to face the music, as backstage Simon tells backstage Louis he's definitely losing an act this week. If we get through this week and Cheryl still has her three intact, I will not be held responsible for my actions. Titles!

Dermot's been stood in the same place for all that time, but finally strides to centre stage to welcome us to the show, reminding us of all the famous people who will be popping in tonight. The judges make their entrance: Dannii in basic black, Cheryl in an ill-fitting gold number, Simon looking exactly like he did yesterday, and Louis with a dickie bow. No one exactly looks their best, so let's just move ahead. Dermot tells us that the wretched charity single is number one this week, as we all knew it would be, and reminds us that there's still time to vote for our favourites.

With all these celebrity guests this week, there's no time for a lip-synched group number, so we proceed straight to guest act number one: The Wanted, who should think about changing their name to The Contractually Obligated for the purposes of this show. The usually bombastic video intro is unexpectedly hilarious, because it has literally nothing to say about them apart from "number one debut single", so just goes straight to "The Wanted" after that, after a lengthy gap for video clips, in which I discover that one of them looks a bit like Ed Westwick from certain angles. The new single, 'Lose My Mind' sounds a bit like 'Use Somebody' at the beginning, and they are singing live, though it does not sound terribly impressive. Oddly enough, they sound far more harmonious on the chorus, leading me to suspect that they have taken the Cheryl Cole cheaterrific approach to live performances. Then they all start riding around in bumper cars. You know, as you do. Dermot assists The Curly One (honestly, it's like Wan Direction coming back to visit five years down the line) to shill the album, and then they're gone.

Dermot tells us the vote is close, so our votes are hugely important, and that. Recap of last night: Wagner sang Creep well, and gained rare praise (of sorts) from Dannii and he was very pleased about this. Cheryl was pleased to see him with no gimmicks. Wan Direction sang a song about a time when their parents weren't even born, and Louis thought they were the next big thing. Zainwreck declares it the most fun performance ever. Tesco Mary bellowed through 'All I Want Is You' and garnered praise from Cheryl. Mary says that she connected with it so much that she enjoyed every moment. Cher's take on 'Girlfriend' was hideous, but you wouldn't know it from the panel's responses. Rebecca honked through 'I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For', and was admired for her risk-taking despite doing absolutely nothing different. Rebecca thinks she's coming out of her shell, while Louis toes the party line by saying there is NOTHING ABOUT REBECCA THAT ISN'T ENTIRELY AMAZING. Lazy Decorator embarrassed us all with 'I Love Rock 'N' Roll", but enjoyed himself and got good comments. Katie sang 'Sex On Fire' and got a warm response. "No one's ever chanted my name before!" enthuses Katie backstage. "Ever ever ever!" Maybe Eva is the name of her latest personality. Wagner's Addicted To Love was a return to form, including criticism from Dannii. Wagner thinks people are never indifferent to him, which seems to be true. Three-fifths of Wan Direction sang 'You Are So Beautiful To Me', and Simon was very proud of them. Tesco Mary had 'Brass In Pocket', and was shouty at times, but enjoyed herself regardless of the comments. Cheryl thinks Mary delivers, as long as you pre-book a two-hour slot, pay £3.99 and agree to wait in for her to arrive. Eyethangyew. Rebecca failed at moving her legs during '(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction' and Simon thought she had an authentic soul voice. Rebecca liked having fun for once. Katie massacred 'Everybody Hurts' and hopes she's done enough. Simon blames Cheryl, until he realises she's behind him, lollerskates. Lazy sang 'Nights In White Satin' and made the panel moist, and Dannii thinks he stole the show. Cher closed the show with an ill-advised 'Walk This Way' and decided it was the best appearance she's ever given, while Cheryl thinks she is objectively awesome whether you like it or not. Cheryl's grasp of taste is a strange thing indeed.

Oh sweet Jeebus - time for Justin Bieber now. Dermot informs us that he started out as an internet sensation before becoming one of the world's biggest popstars. His video intro is a little more informative than The Wanted's, telling us that he's sold 17 million singles worldwide, has the number one most viewed video on YouTube, with one billion total YouTube views (seriously, teenagers of the world, FIND A BETTER USE OF YOUR TIME) and eight million album sales worldwide. Not to mention all those covers of Non-Threatening Boys Magazine. Wikipedia informs me that this performance is a medley of two songs 'Somebody To Love' and 'Baby', which I take to mean that Justin is declaring himself to be on Team Wagner. I have to say that prior to this moment my main exposure to Justin Bieber has been as a recurring annoyance in the trending topics on Twitter, as his deranged fans try to find new and increasingly cloying ways to get his name on the list, and having seen all of this now...I don't really get it. Sorry, teenage girls! I shan't be uninstalling my shaved Bieber plug-in any time soon. Also, apparently the smiley one out of Wan Direction is totally gay for Bieber, or something. So I'm told. I bet he's hoping they'll have hot lesbian sex later. Dermot congratulates Bieber on his "billion Google hits or whatever" (HAHAHAHAHA, it's almost like the Dermot of old is still in there somewhere), and Bieber says hi to him, though curiously the headset microphone he was wearing for his performance DOES NOT PICK UP ANY SOUND WHATSOEVER. HMM. Dermot proffers his own, actually working, mic and Bieber says that he was pretty "cool, calm, collective" (what IS that, all of a sudden? I keep seeing that cropping up in various places. It's the new "fustrating"). Bieber thanks the fans and says hi to Cheryl. Dermot calls him a "highly precocious young man" and warns us that the lives will be closing very soon, as we head into the ads with the promise of Nicole Scherzinger, THANK GOD.

After the ads, Dermot welcomes us back, just as Simon and Cheryl return to the studio late from their cig break, their heads bobbing into the bottom of the shot as Dermot tries to do his piece to camera. The professionalism on this show, it just astounds. (And of course it would have to be those two, wouldn't it?) Dermot declares the lines officially closed. "Wooooo!" say the audience. But now onto the most important matter of the evening, Nicole SCHERZINGER. Dermot pretends that Louis "took a shine to" Nicole when she appeared earlier in the series, and kisses him on the head. Bizarre. Nicole's VT tells us that she's shifted nine million albums and 35 million singles as part of the Pussycat Dolls, but now she's going solo, bitches! [AGAIN! - Carrie]

There's a giant cage on the stage, replicating her video to some extent, and Nicole is lowered into it on some kind of elaborate hamster wheel to perform her new single 'Thanks Cheryl, But You Can Go Now (I'll Take It From Here)'. Sorry, not quite sure what happened there - that should read 'Poison'. The performance is ridiculous and epic and utterly gaymazing and basically shows what a dire state of affairs it is when Rebecca "Zzzzzz" Ferguson standing on her box and waving her arms qualifies as a "performance". She's singing live as well, and doing a far better job than all of the contestants, while dancing as well. I hope the Blue Screen Queen is feeling suitably ashamed of her own inadequacies as a popstar while watching this.

Dermot asks if that was her first solo performance of that single, and Nicole says (INTO HER OWN, ACTUAL WORKING MICROPHONE, ARE YOU WATCHING THIS JUSTIN BIEBER) that it was her first time ever performing this song. She adds that it's nice to see all the judges again, and Dermot points out that as a judge in Manchester, she selected Rebecca and three of Wan Direction, and Nicole says she watched the show in her hotel room last night, and she's very proud of all of them. Applause, and then Nicole is gone. Come back soon, Nicole!

After the ads, it's time to reveal the results. The judges march back on with the contestants, who we haven't actually seen all evening. Cheryl and her coven, Dannii and Lazy Decorator, Louis and his fogeys, and Simon and his Biebers. Niall is wearing a Ramones t-shirt. I'm sure he's a massive fan and in no way a total fucking try-hard. [I actually facepalmed when I saw him. Tosser. - Carrie]

Dermot says he'll reveal which four acts are safe and which acts are in the bottom three, at which point the act with the lowest total votes will get booted and the other two will perform in the final showdown. Like it worked in the first two episodes, basically. Rebecca is through, and hugs Katie. Cheryl has a face like she's chewing a wasp, for some reason. I guess if it isn't Cher, it doesn't matter. Also through is Matt. The third act safe and definitely returning is Cher. Surprise - Cheryl's actually happy this time. So there's only one more spot of sanctity left, and it goes to Wan Direction, obviously, leaving Tesco Mary, Wagner and Katie in the bottom three. So essentially at this point we know that Wagner's boned whatever happens, because they'd save either of those two over him in a heartbeat.

Katie puts her arm around Mary, and Dermot prepares to announce the name of the contestant with the fewest votes. That person is...Katie. Katie nods, like she knew this was coming. Dermot sends Mary and Wagner off to prepare for the final showdown, and they head off with their arms around each other's shoulders. We see Katie's "journey" and all of her ridiculous personalities, all of which were the real Katie, lest we forget. I will always have a grudging respect for her for singing 'I Wanna Be Like You', mind, and of course for "you know what? Sod it." She was one of a kind. Or several of a kind, but you know what I mean. After the VT, Dermot asks her how the experience has been for her, and Katie says she's so grateful to have got this for, and everyone's been so amazing, and she hopes she's inspired people to keep their heads up, no matter how many knocks they get. She hopes this is just the beginning of a beautiful journey. Okay, so she's a massive deludanoid, but that was a surprisingly gracious exit. I'm kind of disappointed, to be honest. After all the drama we've had with Katie, she went out with a whimper rather than a bang. I was hoping for at least one more final showdown meltdown, but sadly it was not to be.

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We return, and Dermot reminds us that Mary is taking on Wagner in the final showdown. To be honest, I'm not sure why they're even bothering to go ahead with it, but I guess they've got 12 minutes of airtime left to fill, and there's probably something in the small print somewhere that says they have to, so here we go. Dermot asks Louis to introduce the first act. Louis does not know who is up first. "Wagner's up first, Louis," Dermot sighs, and Louis introduces "Wagner", with a soft W, even though Dermot just said it the right way. Wagner is singing Nat King Cole's 'Unforgettable', and you know what? It's pretty decent, if somewhat wobbly. I daresay this is the sort of thing Wagner hoped to do when he entered the show before he became the obligatory joke act/hate figure. Mind you, he's taken the whole thing in good spirit, and continues to do so now - he knows he's going home, but he's made sure to pick an appropriate sing-out song and he's just having fun in his final moments.

Back to Louis, and this time he knows that Mary is next, fortunately. Mary is singing 'This Is My Life' by Shirley Bassey, and still kind of sounding like Jane Horrocks impersonating Shirley Bassey. To be honest, I kind of think Wagner had the edge on her vocally as she's kind of out of control and shouty, but it's not like it matters, as she's basically singing "I work in Tesco" and the judges are going to lap it the fuck up. It's just a shame that the three acts who ended up in the bottom this week are the three I find the most entertaining.

The audience chant for Mary, and Dermot comes to the judges to decide who's going home. He starts with Louis, who looks vaguely horrified. However, Louis suddenly picks this moment to be the most likeable, professional and diplomatic he's been in years and says that he's had a great time working with both of these acts, and they've both got better as he got to know them. He thinks Wagner is unforgettable, but this is Mary's life (ooh, clever!) [I liked that he said, "This IS your life!" I was expecting Michael Aspel to wander on with his big red book. - Carrie] and in the sing-off Mary won hands down, so he votes to send home Wagner. And that, CHERYL COLE, is how you choose between two of your acts in this situation. Because I tell you what, I have far more respect for Louis Walsh (Louis Walsh, lest we forget) for handling that in a way that was entirely mature and professional (Louis Walsh!!!!) and making it clear it was nothing personal, than I ever could have had for you and your obnoxious, disingenuous, self-serving bout of fence-sitting in the TreyC/Katie sing-off. In short, madam, you have just been schooled. BY LOUIS WALSH. Hang your head in shame, if you still have any. Incidentally, Wagner's response to that? A big grin and a bow. I love Wagner.

Dermot comes to Dannii. Dannii says she wants to keep the person in who has heart and soul and a fantastic voice, so she's sending Wagner home. Again, Wagner bobs his head cheerfully. Hee! Over to Cheryl, who says Mary did another incredible vocal, and then says "Wagner, I know you and I haven't always seen eye to eye in the past but I have to say you've been a really gracious man and apologised to us and I accept that wholeheartedly." JESUS WEPT. You accept his apology? Where the fuck is your apology to him, you sanctimonous cow? God, Cheryl Cole is vile. I really hope the scales are falling from people's eyes during this series and she's stripped of that bloody "people's princess" title any day now, because she really is a repellent human being. Anyway, she wishes Wagner luck and sends him home, so Wagner is dunzo. Wagner sticks his hands in the air and cheers "I'm going home!" Quite possibly the best contestant ever, with the possible exception of Stacey "there's always Asda" Solomon.

Dermot sends Tesco Mary backstage and asks Simon how he would've voted, and Simon says that he's got to know Wagner over the past week and he's been a great sport. It's funny how now that he's out of the competition they're more than happy to paint Wagner as a nice person, isn't it? You know, since they've spent the last couple of weeks leaking stories to the papers about how he's a violent drug-dealing baby-eater. Oh, and this is where it gets amazing: "Why I am happy with the decision though is because there were people out there trying to derail this show for different reasons, and what has happened tonight is that we've put this show back in the hands of the public, and we're backing talent." I absolutely love that. Simon on his little high horse about the competition getting "derailed", like he isn't perfectly happy to derail the competition himself when it suits his purposes. I think the fact that Wagner lasted so long genuinely quite irked him, despite the amazing publicity it garnered for the show - possibly because the show kept leaking all those damaging stories to no avail. You can almost see him twitching as he says all this, it's truly marvellous.

Wagner's journey, being operatic and hairy, wanting to please people with the sound of his voice, getting a second chance as a wildcard, playing the conga drums, having lots of dancing girls, confusing Daniel Radcliffe, totally owning Cheryl Cole (oh wait, that bit gets left out, what a surprise) and ending on, of course, "I don't belong here". Dermot asks Wagner why he's gone now, and Wagner quotes 'Bat Out Of Hell' at him. Heh. Dermot asks Wagner what his highlight was, and Wagner loved every moment and is so pleased to have achieved so much. He's a very happy man, and he misses his cat. Dermot reminds us that we'll see him on the tour. For a parting gift, Dermot asks Louis to say Wagner's name properly, and Louis does, thereby proving that all this time he was entirely capable of saying it properly and just chose not to because doing so got him more attention. I don't know whether to feel amused or horrified. Perhaps both?

That's it - we're done. Wan Direction, Tesco Mary, Cher and Lazy Decorator are in the semi-final [um, sweetie, so is Rebecca. Although she is so dull I'm not surprised you forgot her - Carrie], [Hahaha! I swear to God, that was an actual forgetting and not a Tyra-Banks-forgetting-to-make=a-point=about-boringness, honest - Steve] and next week we'll be joined by the cast of Glee, "Xtra Factor winner Alexandra Burke" (hmmm), and the Black Eyed Peas. See you next week!