31 October 2010
Last night! Nearly everyone managed to make Halloween seem really boring! Tonight! One act will leave! We will be subjected to THREE "special" guests! Despite it being ACTUAL Halloween, the show seems to have dispensed with all the spooky graphics and sound effects!
IT'S! TIME! TO! FACE! THE! MUSIC!
Dermot hawks all the X Factor spin-off things, including a NOKIA app, though I zoned out for most of this.
Our first special guests, with another Greatest Hits album to flog (have they really had enough hits since Crossroad to justify this? Amazon says that had fourteen tracks on it and this new one has thirty, so apparently so, but I'm blowed if I can name more than ten or twelve of their singles without looking) are Bon Jovi. At least they're doing the crowd-pleasing 'Living on a Prayer', and it's fine, because it's 'Living on a Prayer' ('Bat Out of Hell', Alice Cooper doing 'Poison' on Strictly. Alice fucking Cooper! On Strictly! and now 'Living on a Prayer'? Truly late 80s hair metal is where it's at, folks - not that I'm complaining as I love that stuff. If it is Rock week as rumoured next week then I expect 'Every Rose Has its Thorn', 'Alone', 'Welcome to the Jungle' and 'Animal' and none of that slowed down or indiefied bollocks plsthnx, guitars and big hair all the way) and you can't fuck that up too much, despite the show attempting to by bunging all the finalists on stage. Fortunately they're barely audible. [And why is this? It's because THEIR MICS AREN'T ON. - Carrie] Weirdly, Belle Amie are prominent throughout, and given that I hadn't seen the live show when I watched this, I was most confused and wondered if the show had started making them seem like a big deal for no reason. Having seen the live show, I am confident that wasn't the case and they were just standing in an awkward place, in the middle, rather than to the side with One Direction. This seems further confirmed by all the soloists being uncomfortably bunched together in a pack on the opposite side of the stage. The brown-haired Belle Amie is channeling this series' sponsor, Kelly Clarkson, in her look tonight.
We get a recap of last night with lots of interspersing of everyone except Mary, Katie, One Direction and Cher being slagged off by the judges and their mentors taking offence.
Jamiroquai are on next, and my notes read thus: Really? Really? Why? Boring. Weedy voice. Dad dancing. Can’t see his eyes – Matt Cardle insults - the latter of these I think refers both to his nasal voice and to his stupid hat, which is not stupid in the way Jay Kay's hats used to be stupid (i.e. that big buffalo thing he had, but in an oversized trilby that hides his eyes kind of way. His new single, 'White Knuckle Ride' is no 'Too Young to Die'. He gets a really frosty reception from the judges which I didn't understand until I saw this, in which he appears to be under the impression he's auditioning for the show or something, as well as being an ungrateful whiny little bitch. He toadies that he had reservations about coming on the show but that everyone's been really nice. Dermot then stirs it by asking if he's met the judges before and he says he's met two of them, at which we see Dannii and Cheryl exchange glances and start whispering to each other and it's all a bit uncomfortable.
Ads: including a new Suede Greatest Hits album, which is presumably the same as the last one but with a bonus track or two. I like Suede but I am struggling to see the point - have the 90s suddenly come back or something?
Dermot asks the judges who stood out. Louis: Cher, Mary and Wagner. Dannii: Rebecca, Mary and the boys. Cheryl: The girls. At least the others had the good grace to mention acts other than their own. Simon: Cher stole the show. Dermot jokes that it's nice to see Cheryl with a smile on her face and says that he's never getting on the wrong side of her, which makes no sense until you read it in the light of Jay Kay being a dick.
Rihanna is up next, and the blurb announcing her claims she's sold 25 million albums and had 35 number ones worldwide. However, this last figure is total bullshit as she hasn't even had 35 singles. She's actually had 13 worldwide number ones including in New Zealand, which apparently does count as a country this week, so they've counted each instance of 'Umbrella' (for example) hitting the top spot as a different number one. By that token, if you had a hit in forty countries with the same single you could legitimately call yourself a forty-hit wonder. Stupid made up statistics.
Unlike Jamiroquai's fairly boring staging, and Bon Jovi's contestant rampage, NotLouis has been allowed to go as crazy with Rihanna as he did with Lady GaGa. [Somehow I don't imagine Gaga needed NotLouis's help. - Steve] There is ridiculous chorography with butlers, string bands, some last supper style dinner table with Rihanna at the head in a big flowery headdress and a weird short puffy cress that's like a sawn off bridesmaid's outfit. The stage is all candelabras and glitz. Thank fuck someone brought the wacky tonight. Her voice sounds better than the last time she was on as well. Then, at the end there's a food fight on stage and Dermot gets splattered! Hah! That was very funny.
Dermot says he thought Lady GaGa was weird until this. Rihanna plugs her stuff and says her song is number one on ITUNES, as opposed to number one in the charts, which I believe is our blessed Saviour Cheryl. Dermot says ‘we’ve got a lot of clearing up to do’ during the break. Hee.
Dermot welcomes us back with O Fortuna playing.
Now for the results. Safe: Paije. He and Dannii leap and scream. Katie looks terrified. Cher's safe and has to take a long walk past all those people on stage. There are still too many of them, but if they cut the groups, then nine dead weights would go at once. Hopeful.
Aiden is next. Dannii and he are happy. Louis looks panicked. Wagner is safe and gives Louis a big hug. The audience boo and cheer in equal, loud measures. Matt looks sick, as does Katie (still). Wand Erection are through. They mob Simon and he looks uncomfortable as usual, for he is not a huggy person. [Poor Simon. He's really annoying all the time at the moment but I still pity him when people he doesn't love try to embrace him. - Non-Tactile Carrie] Matt is through and Dannii cheers. Rebecca is next. Treyc looks resigned. The audience chant for Mary who is next through.
Of the remaning three, all of whom have been in the bottom two before, the audience seem to be split in their cheers across all three. The next act to be safe is Treyc and Simon does a massive eyeball motion which, given she’s the best of the three, whatever.
Katie says she’s nervous but OK, and she's tottering on massive heeks that make her look huge. She's giong to perform Etta James – 'Trust in Me'. She says the song means a lot to her and its words mean a lot to her. Righty-ho. Blonde Belle Amie says they are ready to fight for their place with our series sponsor Kelly Clarkson's 'Breakaway'. Is she due a Greatest Hits or something?
Ads. Phil Collins's Greatest Hits from 1998 (same packaging and everything) is being plugged. The '90s really are back, apparently.
Belle Amie look defeated before they've even started their performance. They're all holding onto each other, and this is really not a great 'save me' performance, given they're weak and partly out of tune, albeit with the occasional nice bit. The blonde one is shouting over the others in places and they all come in at different places for final chorus. Essentially it’s a mess and they’re off home.
Katie removes her shoes to sing, which I hate so much. She has more tone and power in her voice than her Disney and Bewitched performances, but that's not saying much as her voice is still weak as water. The thing is, Cheryl keeps saying KomedyKatie is "truly her" (unlike her eighty other personae) but Katie clearly prefers the jazz/soul route, so, I can't see her managing to be happy with being another Komedy contestant for too much longer, even though it really was the only route the show could take with her. The performance was screechy in places but in other places not too bad, especially compared to Belle Amie, and given she generates more headlines than anyone apart from Cher, there's no way she's going home before Belle Amie. [I actually thought she was worse than Belle Amie. She seemed to be making the tune up as she was going along. - Steve]
Simon is allegedly amazed that both acts were in the bottom two, except for the part where that was clearly not a surprise to anyone in the world. He says Katie always sings better in the bottom two than in show but he will '100% stand by my girls' and sends home Katie, to boos. Cheryl says well done to Belle Amie but she's sending them home. When it comes to Dannii, the audience shout Belle Amie, but it's not clear if they mean for her to save or send home. She says she'll base her decision on the quality of singing and performance in the sing-off - so both then? Result. Oh, she's sending home Belle Amie. Louis gets loud boos and says it's hard looking at the five sad faces in front of him, and the audience shout get ‘em off?' Wow, the audience are tetchy tonight. He sends home Katie for our first FUCKING DEADLOCK of the series. Everyone looks sick and nervous. For the first time ever I feel a bit sorry for Katie as at least the group can cling to each other. Belle Amie are going home. We all knew that, including them - they've surely been expecting this since week one.
Clips of their time on the show: the briefest moments of them as soloists and then them going through as a group. Performing 'Faith' at Judges' Houses, still their best performance to date. 'Airplanes', 'You Really Got Me', 'Big Girls Don't Cry', mobbed on 'Oxford Street', 'I'll Stand by You', 'Venus'. Dermot asks about their future. The red-haired one says they're not giving up. The blonde one has arm round Simon. He has his hands in his pockets, rude so-and-so. Simon thanks the people who voted and says he doesn’t think it’s the end for Belle Amie, they’re survivors. Dermot points out that there's only one group left and Simon eye rolls like he cares, because One Direction are our new musical future.
Next week: Kylie, which seems weird timing given it's a bit late for 'Get out of My Way' and, even more weirdly, Shayne Ward, despite this show forgetting he existed when they've done all their montages of 'successful' contestants this series. Join us then!