Grimshaw up north

Results show
Tx: 14th November 2010

American Idol-style muted backstage dramatic intro. THIS IS THE X FACTOR - THE RESULTS! Cue screaming morons and titles!

Last night! Some shit happened! Tonight! More of the same plus added boy bands! And Simon only now jumping on the Louis-is-crazy bandwagon!

Dermot...oh, you know the drill. He reminds us of everything we saw a minute and a half ago and also of the existence of iTunes and the X Factor tour. Once everyone's seated and thoroughly briefed about the commercial opportunities linked to the show, we have the pleasure of the group mime, this week to Can't Stop Movin'. The Lazy Decorator looks smugger than usual as he positions himself right in front of the crowd (hat firmly on his head of course); the girls seem to be trying to imitate the Supremes, if the Supremes had been shit. Paije lays claim to the much-sought-after title of being the worst mimer ever seen on this show; Mary looks entirely out of place; Wagner bounds on to attempt a rap and is clearly having a whale of a time.

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Time for our first special guests, returning to the scene of their greatest triumph. No, not second place to Alexandra BURKE - this! Of course, it's JLS, who are trailed in a monumentally long montage, and then perform their exceptionally dull new charidee single [Seriously. They really are stretching the goodwill from one good song out impossibly far. - Steve] from the top of a revolving wedding cake, surrounded by a lot of very slim and conventially attractive musicians and backing singers. All of the boys are sharing the singing and have earpieces in their "colours". This does not explain why they are so very out of tune. It does, however, explain why Aston was the only one allowed to sing back in the day. Dermot goes to cuddle them all and entices them to criticise the judges, and Yellow JLS, bless his heart, just thanks them and the show for everything they've done. They then plug their single, album and arena tour. Glad we got that sorted out.

So last night Paije sang Crocodile Rock and Cheryl revealed her ignorance and Louis argued that people should only sing songs released in their lifetime; Simon says nobody will take Paije seriously. Aiden sang Rocket Man to an entirely different melody, and he says he is trying to find a "middle man" between making things his own and THE TUNE. Mary belted Can You Feel The Love Tonight and was very dull, but she thinks she "put a hell of a performance on tonight". Tosser. Louis says that she is "living proof" but does not specify what OF, and says he wants to "change her life". Katie's enjoying the HUMBLE edit this week, and there follows a verbatim lolarious exchange between critical Louis and mentor Cheryl:

Cheryl: You're the one who saved her!
Louis: Yeah, I know. (pause) At least I voted.

Lazy Decorator sang Goodbye Yellow Brick Road complete with FALSETTO and Dannii thought he was awesome. Cher yelped her way through a terrible version of Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word, and says she is now "on top of the moon". Wagner reminded Louis of a young Elton John; "Elton's going to be thrilled," snarks Simon. Don't worry, he'll be counting his royalties from this fuckawful week of competition. One Direction are apparently "leading the pack", according to Simon. I had entirely forgotten about Rebecca, which speaks volumes about her. She says she won't get cocky and will stay grounded. Simon wheels out the "she doesn't know how good she is" line yet again.

Westlife are our next visitors. They are dressed in leather and not sitting on stools. The world has simply gone mad. Shane's forehead has grown exponentially larger. Dermot asks about whether there is any fighting between the boy bands, and then fondles them, claiming he is backing "the Irish muscle" in any ruck. Whatever, Dermot. Yellow JLS could take the lot of them.

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Ooh, and the lines are now closed! Simon tells Dermot, "I think we won the night." Dermot asks whether he means "the show" or "One Direction". Oh, Dermot, clearly he doesn't mean the show. You SAW it. Cheryl [whose hair seems to be a tribute to Danii's Bow (selecta) last week - Rad] says that everyone did the best that they could. Ouch. Dannii says that Louis is sharpening his teeth backstage. What? Dermot asks Louis what's wrong with him. "That's me! That's what I'm really like!" Never a truer word said.

And finally, we welcome Take That for their EXCLUSIVE performance. Complete with Robbie and his mad staring eyes and shouting. Dermot reminds us that he is a STRAIGHT MAN. Gary says it is just as exciting being backstage as being on stage. Fnar. Dermot asks Robbie if he's glad to be back with the boys and Robbie is singularly noncommittal before realising where he is and what the script is.

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And finally, we're at the business end of this show. You can tell because Dermot's voice is lower and he keeps. Stopping in. Inappropriate. Places during each sentence. Everyone piles on to the stage ready to hear their fate. Dermot calls Wagner "Wargner". Then the list of safe acts - Cher; Lazy; Rebecca; One Direction; Wagner; Mary; and Paije. Who looks just as stunned as we are.

So it's Aiden and Katie in the bottom two. Aiden looks a defeated man [As you would be. They chucked him and Paije under the bus this week big-style - Rad]. Katie continues her nervous breakdown. That "saving the act the public most want to see next week" really worked out well.

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Aiden begins - he's singing Don't Dream It's Over and it's a typical Aiden performance with all that encompasses (patchy, inconsistent) but he does decide to break with tradition and attempts something that almost resembles a dance, and then he hits some really good notes at the end, but by this time he's basically given up.

Katie remembers most of her words this time, to Save Me From Myself (oh Katie, you and your appropriately-titled songs). It's actually quite good - relatively understated and moderately tuneful. Hate to say it, but on performance she'll stay. Course, if the judges put two and two together and realise that if a singer is in the bottom two week after week after week then they're probably not that popular and won't sell that many records, then Aiden will stay instead.

So Dermot turns to the judges. Simon has had some sort of aneurysm and doesn't speak for about three hours, before saying that he likes both of them, and finally opting to save Katie. Obviously Cheryl and Dannii both save their own act. So it's down to Louis. And the person he is sending home is Katie. Which means DEADLOCK (cue funny noise and graphics and lights).

As Dermot explains the concept of DEADLOCK, Katie basically shoves him to the back of the stage so she can cling on to Aiden. Aiden is singularly unimpressed. And he's even more unimpressed when he learns that he got the fewest votes from the public and is out of the door. The audience boo. Aiden looks crushed. After his montage of highlights, he shrugs sulkily, "Win some you lose some. A friend said to me there was a leak on Twitter and I was third from bottom." Dermot has a panic and interrupts, "OBVIOUSLY THAT'S UNCORROBORATED." [Ha! I love it when Dermot panics. Live shows are just not his thing. Or presenting this show in any capacity really. Or wearing suits - Rad] When asked what he is going to do next with his life, Aiden's bottom lip wobbles and he replies, "Have a beer."

I think we all need alcohol after that. See you next week!