What about the polar bears?

Semi-final, the RESULTS

Tx: Sunday 6th December, 2009

Last Night! They! Battled! For! A! Place! In! The! Final! I really wish I was joking about the way the voiceover man says that, but that is GENUINELY WHAT HAPPENS. The judges were over-enthusiastic about everybody. Tonight! The! Finalists! Are! Revealed! Cheryl swore that Joe would be in the final; Simon whined about the possibility of not having two finalists. It’s time! To face! The music!

Yes indeedy, it’s time for the results, with our host Dermot O’Leary, who reminds us of the concept of the show, and trails the imminent arrival of Lady Gaga and Janet Jackson, who is the sister of Michael. WHO IS DEAD. [I can't believe how few times we've been able to say that this year. - Steve] He introduces the judges. Louis is in a bow tie; Cheryl has a skirt with a tail.

Group singalong. They Gotta Be Startin’ Something, which merges into Please Don’t Stop The Music. I like the use of autotune; everybody is much more bearable when they’re always in tune, though I suspect that Joe hasn’t been tweaked that much. Fnar. They do some arm-waving which they manage to mess up. NotLouis will not be impressed.

Recap of last night. A rather lengthy recap. Olly assures he gave us everything; Dannii thinks it was the best opening ever; Simon says it’s one of Olly’s best performances ever, which may possibly be true. Joe did his best, and Simon clearly hates his vocal ability in terms of the competition, as he congratulates him backstage. Stacey is not impressed with people bitching about her chair-based choreography. Danyl didn’t care about the polar bears (which Dannii didn’t understand), and then was humble to Simon. Olly wants people to vote for him; Joe thinks he did all right, and Simon isn’t happy about it being the Joe McELDERRY show; Stacey would be the happiest person in the world to be in the final; Louis lied about Danyl being good, and then Simon said it is the closest semi-final ever. Dermot reiterates this back in the studio, and Simon concurs that he can’t call it. And then Louis reiterates that Danyl was incredible, and adds that Joe’s two songs were great, though he didn’t like Stacey’s. Cheryl smugs that she is never nervous about Joe normally, but she is now; Dannii gets chance to interject that she too is nervous before Dermot cuts to the break. Admirably done, O’Leary.

First special guest of the evening – Lady Gaga, with an exclusive performance of her new single Bad Romance. Apparently she has the most downloaded single in UK history. Not sure whether that means legal or illegal downloads. Anyway, she sings, while dressed as a bat, dancing in a bathroom. Did NotLouis creatively direct this? I don’t understand what a bathroom has to do with this song. Nor why her male dancers are dressed in butchers’ aprons. [This is the joy of GaGa - she comes with her very own built-in Brian Friedman. - Steve] She screams, “SING IT, X FACTOR!” Dermot is very happy. They have a little chat while she is still in the bath. She tells us that the bath is Simon’s. Dermot appears to treat this entirely seriously. Her advice is to BE YOURSELF and DON’T LET ANYONE TELL YOU THAT YOU CAN’T ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS. Except that’s the whole fucking problem with the world and this show in particular – sometimes people CAN’T achieve their dreams, due to lack of talent, or resources, or whatever. It’s sad, but true. This pervasive idea that success is just down to trying and working is a huge misapprehension. Anyway, she’s coming back to the UK for a tour next year, which excites her greatly.

The lines are closed, the finalists are decided, but while the votes are counted, Dermot declares us honoured to welcome Janet Jackson. Little montage of previous hits and videos, about three of which I recognise. I am so terminally uncool. Ooh, I know her first song, though; All For You, sung from a Great Glass Elevator. Her bosom is safely buttoned up in a severe tailored jacket, for those interested. She then goes into her next song, Make Me, and about a billion more dancers wander on to stage. The judges stand up, Louis whoops, Dermot doesn’t get to interview her.

Time for another break, and when we’re back Danyl assures us that he wants to win, and Simon assures us that he wants him to win; Stacey assures us that she wants to be in the final (in a very badly edited VT), and Dannii thinks she can do it; Olly tells us he HAS to make it to the final in order to fulfil his dream, and Simon calls him fearless, hardworking and talented; Joe thinks his desire to be in the final is “unbelievable”, and Cheryl thinks it would be a disaster should he fail to get there.

So who is through? Well, first we must welcome back the judges and the semi-finalists – you know who they all are. And then we must dim the lights and have the dramatic music as Dermot prepares to reveal their fate. Olly is the first through, and he has a mental breakdown that surpasses even Alexandra BURKE’s. Still, Alex’s was on the shoulder of Beyonce, so she wins overall. Then Joe, and he does his adorable camp applause before hugging Cheryl. Stacey’s bottom lip is wobbling, but no need to fret – she’s through too, and that means Danyl has to make his humble exit from the competition.

Of course, that means it’s time for a humble concession speech. He says he’s gone out to some of the Best People he’s Ever Met. Simon says he would have changed nothing about Danyl’s performance, that he’s gone out on a high and is a graceful loser, and I don’t think Simon could sound less sincere here if he tried.

Montage – the Best First Audition Ever ™, progression to judges’ houses, the live shows, but a strange omission of his tabloid story-selling and Dannii’s notorious comment, which is probably for the best. Dermot’s all “Well, you won’t be going back to teaching!” and Danyl’s all “Yeah, too fucking right!”

One last HUMBLE sing for Danyl Johnson, and that is that for him. One more week to go. Join us next week!