Goodnight, Sweetheart

Judges' Houses part two

3 October 2010

Previously on The X Factor. They came in their thousands! Nearly everyone got to sing two songs! Cher was right up Cheryl's street! She punched her in the face!

Last night! Simon and Louis were snippy little bitches about their categories despite the fact they put all these losers through and they allowed Nicole to make them change the age categories despite it making no sense. If I were Dannii and Cheryl and in my absence Louis and Simon had fiddled with the ages, made up two new groups and put through the likes of Wagner and Justin and I then got lumbered with one of the bum categories, I’d be mightily peed off, so the men can can the whining, frankly.

Also last night! WORST MENTOR EVER Sharon Osbourne reappeared, sporting the worst plastic surgery in the world! Katie was a medical legacy but couldn't heal poorly Cher or get her song right! Mary forgot her words, and John set his sights on only being a millionaire rather than a billionaire! Husstle got burned for having woo-woo girls, but One Direction got praised for having woo-woo boys! We only saw the briefest clips of those clearly going home tonight like Keri and John! The song choices were one million percent more interesting than anything we'll see in the live shows!

Tonight! The decision of who will be in the final 12 is stretched out over 75 minutes! Everyone wants to go through! The results will be just the same as the spoilered results that leaked out several weeks ago! It's TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC!

Ads. That's right, folks, the first part of this show was entirely recaps. Still, it makes my job easier.

Dermot welcomes us back to the nation of Australia. Paije and Aiden are up next, so there's not really any suspense here as to who's going through, is there? Aiden tells us he's shy and awkward (and HUMBLE?). Paije has had a crazy, dramatic, fun and stressful time on the show and he reminds us that he hates cleaning up popcorn and getting shouted at by his manager. I hope said manager isn't watching, Paije, or you'll be joining Tobias in the dole queue.

Dannii says Paije thinks about things too much and doesn't put enough personality in his performance. Aiden is too nervous. Obviously Aiden is through, and I am very pleased about the prospect of Aiden GRIMSHAW being shouted out every Saturday and Sunday. Paije says it's the end of the world for him. [Tough luck, popcorn boy. - Carrie] Aiden runs off and gives Dermot a very enthusiastic hug.

Next up are Karl, Tom, Nicolo and John. Given that three of these were barely featured last night, I think we know the result here. Nicolo wants to sing for millions of people. John thinks rejection would be hard. Karl says if he gets through, it'll be bye bye to the student/electrician/part-time job (are these three separate things or is he a part-time student electrician?) and hello fame. Tom whines that he would like a villa. Nicolo says 'the first impression you get of me is 'what is that?''. Heh. Nicolo is growing on me.

Dannii tells John he needs to be more exciting. Karl is gorgeous and has the whole popstar package but is a bit nervous. They're both going home, obviously. Dannii is confused whether Tom can pull things together. She says of Nicolo 'you're the only one, when I'm going through the pros and cons, they're both the same. The pros is (oh Dannii, step away from the Simon Cowell school of grammar) you're a diva and you're fierce and you know it and you work it. The con is you're a diva and you're fierce and you know it and you work it'. Heh. Love the Dannii. Clearly Nicolo is through. When she tells Nicolo he's through, he keeps asking 'are you sure?' in a 'you do realise I'm a nightmare' kind of way. Bless.

Mika's 'no happy ending' song plays because this song understands lyrics as much as the new Special K advert understands 'I'm cooler than the red dress'.

Marlon wants to get through for his kids and Lazy Decorator wants to get through so he can avoid doing proper work for a bit longer. Marlon wants to be a singer. No, really? Lazy Decorator says a few weeks ago he was in a room not painting. You do realise that no-one will ever hire you again, right? [I hate Lazy Decorator. Though at least he's honest about his selfish laziness, unlike the ones who reckon they're doing it for their kids. - Carrie]

Marlon has the 'pop package' but is not vocally that strong. Dannii loves that the Lazy Decorator goes into falsetto easily but he doesn't look at the audience. Marlon is going home. Apparently Lazy Decorator is one of the favourites to win this whole thing - can anyone explain why? [Don't look at me. I'm still trying to fathom Leon. - Steve]

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Back in Ireland. Louis is 'happy' but reminds us how rubbish this category are.

John is on The X Factor, 'the biggest show in the world', which: notsomuch. [It's no NCIS. - Steve] Yuli (who, on the Xtra Factor, all the other overs said was their favourite) says now is the time for her to shine. Elesha apparently had a ratty old cuddly toy with her at bootcamp when she got axed. Justin doesn't want it to end and wants to be somebody. He wants everyone to know who Justin VANDERHYDE is. Steve says 30's not too old and then remembers how old he actually is and says 40's the new 20. Storm left Scotland to dedicate his life to music. That statement makes no sense. He lies that 'no' would be easier for him to hear than yes because he's heard no all his life. Go on Louis, make it happen. Wagner FIUZA-CARRILHO (please, Louis, make it happen for the voiceover alone) thinks if he gets through, he won't be singing in pubs any more. That's true, the lucky ones get to do Pontins for a season. He says, what he's planning to do is hire town halls. He's going to hire his own venues? Bless him. Mary works in TESCO where you can buy the Official X Factor magazine. It would be a fairytale for someone who works in TESCO to become a star.

Louis is meeting them all in a library like he's trying to be a sage old grandfather or something. Yuli has a very weird earring in her left ear that looks like the wire from a bra cup. She's not going through despite being great and everyone loving her. Louis doesn't even give her a reason why she's not through. She cries and he says he didn't think she'd be that bad, even though she didn't cry much more than everyone else does. John has an interesting voice, but Louis thinks he needs more work, but he's still going through. He has incredible skin for his age. Louis is glad Elesha had a second chance but doesn't think the public will vote for her. Trufax. He doesn't think Steve has star power. He is worried that nothing has happened for Storm before now. Justin ticks all the boxes, but when you put them all together, is it going to work? This makes no sense. Storm is going through and he bearhugs Louis. He doesn't seem to be struggling with that yes too much.

Louis is worried Mary won't cope with the pressure. He thinks Wagner is unique but he can only pick three people, and obviously it's going to be Mary.

You can win a special prize in the competition - three days in Ireland, two days in Ascot, or a long holiday in Spain or Australia. Gee, tough choice, show.

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Groups time. Who will possibly get through? The gay guys? The twins? The gobby girl band? Or the groups Simon put together at the last minute? The suspense is killing me.

Everyone wants to get through. FYD say it'll be like Simon pushed them off the top of a mountain if he says no. They haven't got the hang of the Cowellesque use of the word 'literally' yet with all this use of similes. The groups all have to stand before Simon in his throne, whereas all the others get to sit near their judges. I think Carrie's right about Simon not being a huggy person. [Not being one myself, I recognise the symptoms. DON'T TOUCH ME! - Carrie] Simon said The Reason were trying hard but there were issues and they're going home. FYD say they want to be all-round entertainers. Simon says they put work in and they weren't perfect but better than they were before. They're through.

Next up are Twem and Diva Fever, the least Cowelly acts here today. Twem would like to stay. Diva Fever have developed. Craig the talky one says they want to be stars. Simon tells someone, which could be either group, that he wasn't crazy about them the first time he saw them. Craig from Diva Fever says they didn't think they were Simon's kind of act. Simon says that's true but he's gotten to like them more over the two days. Simon tells both groups it's bad news with a big smile on his face. Weirdo.

Stacey from Husstle that speaks says they're nervous. The one of Bel Ami with a hat says she's 'proud of us'. Simon tells Bel Ami he 'did' this group because they were all good at their auditions, not good enough, but too good to let go. Whuh? Husstle are sent home, which we know because they hardly had airtime. At least he goes over to them to say sorry rather than staying in his chair as he did with the others. Bel Ami cry buckets and hug Simon, Dermot and each other.

Who will it be next? The world's weirdest and gayest boyband, or the pretty young boys Simon put together who have been promoting themselves all over the internet since before Boot Camp even happened? I wonder. Simon calls Princes and Rogues interesting and different. He says the same thing to One Direction about 'why I did this' as he said to Bel Ami. Obviously One Direction are through. They hug, and Harry breaks off to launch himself at Cowell. Heh.

Ads.

Back with the girls. Rebecca talks about watching the show at home and saying 'there's the whingy one, there's the bitchy one'. Heh. Annastasia is a bit worried about it being Cheryl again but thinks she's got a strong chance. Cheryl says she's shaking. I hope there's medical assistance nearby in case she's still got malaria symptoms. Katie's around somewhere, right?

Cheryl didn't have a chance to meet Rebecca before. She wanted to wipe the slate clean with Annastasia. Rebecca is told she has no eye contact or confidence and she starts crying and saying she tried hard with her confidence. Not sure confidence is something you can try hard at, but anyway, Annastasia is going home and Rebecca's staying.

Keri, Katie, Raquel and Gamu are next. Last night, Katie was a hot fried entitled mess and we barely saw Keri and Raquel (though the little bit we saw of Keri suggests she was good), so it's only ever going to be between Gamu and Katie. Gamu thinks her mum would love her if she went through or something. Keri says her life is hanging in the balance. Raquel would prefer it to working in McDonald's. Katie says, 'I broke down yesterday, it was heartbreaking, I'm just praying to hear that yes', in the most insincere attempt at sounding sincere since Danyl.

Cheryl tells Raquel not to cry. She isn't putting Raquel or Keri through. Cheryl loved Gamu but thinks she's not ready. Possibly not, but I would wager she's a darn sight more ready than Cher. Katie looks like she's about to hyperventilate. Cheryl thinks she's quirky, original and there's something intriguing about her. Three uh-uhs, Cheryl. She says there is something people could find a little bit annoying. Going by the reaction to Katie from the nation so far, I think a little bit annoying is an understatement. Katie is the only one of all 32 acts I have yet to see one positive comment about anywhere on the internet, which says something, right? Gamu looks shocked that she's not going through, and Katie is through despite no-one liking her.

Now, I don't know if I believe all this OMG Sony ringer stuff that's going about the internet, but I do think it's odd that someone didn't point out that she's had this alleged record deal and she's starred in that dreadful YouTube show where she talks about how honoured she is to be representing Sprite (seriously, I dare you to get through more than two minutes without either cackling like a loon or kicking your monitor in), and has yet to make it big. Also, she used to go out with Michael Sophocles from The Apprentice (SHAMELESS PLUG join us for recaps later this week /SHAMELESS PLUG) which must have been the most hideous relationship ever. Can you imagine their pillow talk? 'Oh baby, I'm so good. I love me baby.' [Did you see the "sexy" photo-shoot Sophocles did? He had his shirt open and was holding his stomach in. It was almost worst than SHE PUNCHED HER IN THE FACE's topless shoot for the Sport. - Carrie] Cheryl cries THE TEARS OF A HEARTLESS CORPORATE SELLOUT and says Katie wants this, as if wanting something is the only reason why you should get it.

Treyc and Cher next and Cheryl's all 'oh I can't'. Cher had tonsilitis and fluffed it up yesterday. She prays that Cheryl will take into consideration 'everything I've ever done'. You're only 16, love. Treyc would be crushed if she got another no, as well she might, given she would have walked the overs category if they hadn't changed the age groups. Cheryl tells Cher she thought she was fantastic the first time, and is going to ignore everything that happened at judges' houses like she did with Katie (SO WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS STAGE?). She isn't sure Treyc would have a place in the current market. Cheryl is worried Cher will buckle under the pressure as well she might be and she sends Treyc out. Cheryl tells a producer she thinks Treyc thought she was going to go through. I'd say given how badly Cher and Katie messed up she'd have a good reason to think that. Dermot lets Treyc cry into his shirt. Cheryl tells Cher she's through and she thinks she needs to toughen her up. I think no matter whether you love or hate Cher, she really doesn't seem ready to cope with this and to have told her to come back when she's a bit older and stronger would have been the best decision.

Anyway, although it's rare, it turns out the whole interweb agrees with us and thinks Treyc and Gamu should have gone through over Katie and Cher. [I don't rate Gamu either, but would have been happy to see Treyc go through. - Carrie] Apparently 'hate Cheryl Cole' was trending on Twitter last night. Poor the former nation's sweetheart. Still, someone had to take the bullet in order to get the nation excited for the SHOCK! TWIST! which everyone is assuming is going to be a wildcard round which, presumably, will see Gamu go back into the live shows.

We see the contestants' 'makeovers', complete with weird new backdrop graphics that look like shooting targets. Katie looks like a twat, Cher has ridiculous hair, Rebecca looks rather normal, the Lazy Decorator has removed his hat but won't smile, Aiden's hair has gone massive, Nicolo looks shiny, Mary is channelling the Vicar of Dibley (thanks whoever pointed that one out), John is still wearing his stupid hat, Storm's hair has gone bright red, FYD look like the boring fodder they are, Bel Ami have changed their name to Belle Amie and appear to be wearing purple lipstick they found in a bargain bin. One Direction haven't gone for any 1D!R£KTi0n style naming and are probably your pre-ordained winners/second place act who go on to sell rather well.

Next week, they all sing, and the show lasts TWO AND A HALF HOURS! Join whichever poor sucker is lumbered with that one then! [That'll be me. *slits wrists* - Steve]