You Zoom, You Lose

Results Show: 24th October 2010

“Last night”! The theme ‘guilty pleasures’ was stretched as far as possible, given that none of the songs chosen were guilty, and none of the performances were pleasures! Lots of nonsense was spoken about taking risks, but everyone was pretty much the same as they always were! “Tonight”! Cheryl Cole! Mickey Bubbles! One of these suckers is going home, which isn’t going to make next week’s show much shorter, now, is it?

By the way, the opening VT of the acts is really weird and shows half a second of everyone pretty much screaming in the middle of their performances, which is a bit random.

It’s! Time! To! Face! The! Music!

Dermot welcomes us back with the news that Mickey Bubbles, ‘one of the biggest stars in the world’ will be performing. Is he? I still haven’t forgiven him for Leon Jackson.

The judges enter. Cheryl is wearing a silver Barbarella-style dress which is very short. Dannii is wearing a black and silver prom-cum-bridemaid’s dress. Louis has a bit of an Aiden/Jedward tribute quiff thing going on with his hair.

Dermot reminds us that we can download last night’s performances from ITUNES. I would be fascinated to see what the sales were like, and even more to see if anyone actually listened to them.

Group performance – CeeLo Green’s Forget You (the clean version). I am very pleased that this show’s finally discovered the 2010s after six years of nagging them to leave the last century alone. It’s all mimed and autotuned of course, and it’d be an interesting exercise to play some of these and some of last year’s back to back with a blindfold on and see if you could make out anyone’s voice, given they all sound Gleed to the max. Still, the autotuning means we’re essentially spared poor singing, and half of them can’t mime quickly enough which would make them great fodder for Auntie’s Bloomers clips of Top of the Pops were it still the 1990s – although the lip syncing on tonight’s episode is all over the shop anyway.

Recaps of last night: Paije screeching, John’s dancers shagging, Rebecca in a silly dress, Cher being pushed around in a giant slinky, Lazy Decorator pretending to be Travis pretending to be Britney, One Direction being a hot fried mess backed up to the hilt by backing singers who will nevertheless probably win, Treyc’s dancers blowing fireworks out of their crotches, Mary’s bosoms, Aiden threatening to make diamonds last forever, Belle Amie having even more backing singers than One Direction, Wagner forgetting his congas, Katie becoming even more of a cartoon character, me dying of boredom.

I keep waiting for adverts, we’d have had two breaks by this time last night.

Up next, Mickey Bubbles, who is loved by many for reasons I cannot fathom. I’d prefer to listen to a Lazy DECORATOR album, and that’s saying something. He mimes (I think) his single ‘Hollywood’ and it’s as boring as usual, though he dances about so if you like that kind of thing, then you’ll be happy, I suppose. [He had the mic NOWHERE NEAR HIS MOUTH. Mimed to the max. - Carrie] [Ah, I was in the kitchen making my tea so I didn't notice - Rad] Apparently he’s come off holiday to perform on this show. Really? Really? Dermot asks him if he lives on tour and he says that the new single’s been tacked onto the album, is that right, and Mickey Bubbles says ‘oh no, it’s a new edition of the album, the Hollywood edition’ which effectively means yes (although according to the advert they showed later, it means eight new songs. If you've got eight new songs then wait until you have a couple more and release an album. [Or you could just release half an album like The Saturdays did, although even then it was only about 50% new material. - Steve] I really hate it when they do those "reissued" CDs with extra tracks, just to either annoy or fleece those who bought an album first time round). He then asks everyone to watch his video on YouTube.

Ads. Mawliddlejaw has an album out. Rufus Hound and Keith Lemon are still pretending to be different people.

Dermot asks the judges who excelled. Louis singles out Matt, Aiden, Rebecca and Treyc. None of his own acts. Interesting. Dermot asks Dannii if she is proud of the boys. She is, and was also impressed with Rebecca. Dermot asks Simon who ‘came of age’ last night. Nice choice of phrase there, Dermot, given a) the pubescent contestants in some categories and b) the rumours about certain other contestants shagging everything in sight. Simon says Matt, Rebecca, One Direction and Aiden. Not Belle Amie.

Next up, Cheryl singing her new single ‘Promise This’, which is OK I guess, better than ‘Three Words’, anyway. She’s wearing really weird thing length ribbonny stockings and a white jacket, and her hair extensions look a ratty old mess. L’Oreal can’t be pleased with that. She seems to be singing live, or at least live over herself. It’s hard to tell with the lip syncing being all out. [I think it was a mixture. There were some notes that were so shonky they had to be live, but there was also very obvious miming. Ugh. Cheryl's solo career is ASS. - Steve] She’s accompanied by a bunch of male dancers with shaved heads in shirts and ties. The dancing seems very similar to ‘Fight for This Love’ and it’s all rather energetic for someone who had Malaria not very long ago. She tells us that the single is out now and the album’s out next week, which is more than the celebrity guests on this show usually know. Having not watched the Piers Morgan thing last night (I was watching the Xtra Factor, which is only really worth it for the phone calls from the public, which is always comedy gold, particularly when they flummox Simon as they did last night), can anyone enlighten me as to whether she is the Nation's Sweetheart again or not? I must know the party line. Vote Danyl! [I didn't watch it either, I was too busy stripping naked and covering myself in honey before sitting on an anthill, or any number of vastly preferable activities. - Steve]

Ads.

Results time. Safe are: Cher, Aiden, Wagner. Paije looks resigned, Simon looks grumpy, Dannii looks sick. Also through: Katie (to a chorus of boos), One Direction, Rebecca. Treyc and John look terrified. Also safe: Belle Amie. Really? One week’s grace, surely. Simon punches the air and then makes a 'told you' face and gesture to Louis. Classy. He’ll still be the first mentor down to one act, though. Matt is safe, as is Mary. So the three black acts are left. Oh, racialist British public, the most successful acts to come from this show have been black (or mixed race) you idiots. So it’s Treyc and John in the sing-off and Steve’s worries for her were clearly founded. [I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT PAIJE SANG LAST NIGHT. - Carrie] [Something boring, I think - Rad]

John is going to do Kelly Clarkson’s ‘Because of You’ because it means so much to so many people. Isn’t it about having a horrible childhood and being afraid because of that? It’s hardly an upbeat sentiment for a save me song. Still, Kelly Clarkson’s writers are getting plenty of royalties from this series, aren’t they? Treyc will be doing ‘One Night Only’ and apparently it’s the Jennifer Hudson version, not the Beyonce one (or the original cast version(s) lest Carrie shout at me). Though she sounds like she says Delta Goodrem’s version. [This made me so angry. "Jennifer Hudson's One Night Only." Grr. - Carrie]

Ads. That was a more “normal” length segment (i.e. about four minutes).

John’s up first. Louis calls him john Ade-Lay whilst voiceover man says Ade-Lay-ee. I am guessing Louis can’t pronounce any of his acts’ names apart from Mary from IRELAND. The backing music is distractingly loud and off-putting, and he is really struggling with this song. He loses the tune in places and strains to get the notes. This is such a bad song choice, and he knows he's doomed.

Treyc is indeed doing the slower version of the song and it’s strong and emotional if a bit overblown. [It was RUBBISH. She's lucky John was so dreadful. - Carrie] [Alright, it was rubbish, but as Treyc is the only one I vaguely like I'm trying to deceive myself - Rad] It’s not quite the sing-off triumph I’d expect of her, which I am putting down to song choice. Those really were two odd songs for them to pick. [They were both pretty terrible, weren't they? I suggested on Twitter we call it a draw and eliminate Katie, and that way everyone wins. - Steve]

Louis saves John (the audience boo, even though surely it’d be more cause for booing if he sent John home?). Dannii says she knows the kind of artist John is, that Treyc can sing anything and do something different every week and it’s not clear if she means that as a compliment or not. She sends John home – to boos. Weird audience, make your minds up. Cheryl says John shouldn’t be there but sends him home. Simon says last night’s song didn’t help John and he doesn’t think Louis has looked after him properly. He said he didn’t think Treyc doing Led Zeppelin would connect with people and he has to judge the sing-off, so is sending home John. He was only ever a fodder contestant, anyway, but at least he lost his annoying hat along the way.

John’s footage: annoying hat, working in a nursing home, wanting to only be a millionaire, singing a song that WAS number one, being a bit boring.

Dermot tells John he was ‘such a gentleman’ and Louis says he is a great singer and hopes someone gives him a record deal. [If only Louis were a prominent figure in the music industry who was capable of making that happen! - Steve]

John says he’s going to ‘put some music down’ and ‘tear it up’ whatever that means.

Next week: Rihanna, Bon Jovi and, er, Jamiroquai. Err, OK. On The Xtra Factor, Simon says the theme is Halloween next week, though I have no idea if he's joking or not. [Hooray! Someone, probably Wagner, will do Monster Mash, and someone else will do Things That Go Bump In The Night! Gosh, I wish JLS had done that. - Carrie] Join us then to find out!