Sunday, October 17, 2010

An imperfect Storm

Top 12 Results: 17th October 2010

Last night, people sang, there were comments, blah blah, tonight two will be eliminated and bloody Diana bloody Vickers and Katy bloody Perry will perform as if we weren't put through ENOUGH. Louis PTCs that there was a mishap that wasn't his fault, and Simon steals Louis's "divas" line from last week and turns it into "I love drama queens, I work with drama queens."


Dermot welcomes us and lies that any of us gave a tiny rat's ass about Diana Vickers when she was on the show, and reminds us that Katy Perry was a guest judge on this series. I had actually totally forgotten that because it was SO LONG AGO. He introduces the judges, and pokes us to vote if we hadn't got round to it yet.

Oh fuck, it's the X Factor Finalists in their group sing, Telephone. Katie peers through her fingers. Wagner, obviously, is epic. Belle Amie are autotuned [weren't they all miming as well? - Rad]. Diva Fever pretend they are singing harmonies, and Joe's Phil Oakey hair flops everywhere. Cher does the rap and needs to be slapped. Aiden is fearsome. [Rebecca has the most terrifying bow ever in her hair. It's like all the Fergie bows left over after the 80s boom congealed into a mutant beast - Rad]

Time for a recap of what happened last night. Storm yodelled Born To Run, and tells us he is totally rock'n'roll and doesn't want to be cute and pretty - he'll leave that up to One Direction. Treyc thought her comments were fantastic. Paije thought his comments were amazing. One Direction mimed their song with their mics turned down, but Simon maintains they were the stars of the show. Cher doesn't want to leave the stage, she wants to keep singing. We don't want you to, love, shut the fuck up. John assures us that he gave 150 per cent. Diva Fever say they went for it and jumped about. Rebecca doesn't know if she's done enough to get through; this is because she has NO CONFIDENCE. Aiden hugged Dannii with a sad face. Wagner says he feels like he is in heaven, and if heaven is like this, he wants to die tonight. Um, OK. Katie assures us that she was herself, like she even knows what that means. Belle Amie were...a bit strange. Mary was overwhelmed. Dannii thought Matt closing the show was amazing.

Back into the studio and we have to sit through a bloody banshee crab who we didn't vote for in 2008 and had laryngitis while also shouting at Bonfire Night parties. She makes the sensible decision to mime to a heavily produced track; however, the production is entirely dreadful, as is the single, as is she. But she is KOOKY. Don't forget that. She reminds Dermot and us that she is on tour. Seriously, who'd GO to that?


Dermot tells us that the lines are now closed, so DON'T VOTE, MORONS. He then introduces Katy Perry. I suspect Steve will be switching over for the next five minutes. [I was in the kitchen, cooking dinner. I planned my evening well. - Steve] To give her credit, she is singing live. It's not GOOD, but she is at least singing live. Men dance around with fireworks exploding out of their hands. She then screeches an interview with Dermot, concluding that she is waiting for the call from Simon, presumably to invite her back as a permanent judge. Scherzinger's ahead of you in the queue, lady.

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Dermot brings the judges and their squillion acts on to the stage, ready for the results. Romance-watchers may be interested to note that Mary is holding Wagner's arm. The first acts safe are: Katie, John, Lazy Decorator, Rebecca, One Direction and their backing singers, Mary, Cher (for FUCK'S SAKE), Paije, Treyc, Wagner and Aiden DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE PERFORMS LIKE A MURDERER.

So the bottom three are Belle Amie, Diva Fever and Storm. Who is the least loved act who will be leaving the competition now? It's Storm, obviously. He was in the stitch-up position to sing [when everyone was still watching Strictly - Rad], and is a pissy little bitch. And then he continues to be a pissy little bitch: "You have not seen the best of me yet, let me tell you. Let. Me. TELL. YOU." [He reminds me of Seamus from Any Dream Will Do and his "I have been promised a show of my own" sing-out - Rad] After the break, the two groups will sing off. This should be interesting.


Diva Fever go first. They sing I WILL SURVIVE. Seriously. Craig is actually really quite good at singing. Joe is very mediocre. They strut around like they're doing a PA at G-A-Y. Which is funny, really, bearing in mind that will be their career. Belle Amie sing Big Girls Don't Cry. Which is funny, really, bearing in mind that they are ALL CRYING. [It amused me when both groups were stood together at the end. I mean, if you came to the show cold and you knew that one group was called Diva Fever, and the other was called Bel(le) Ami(e), and you had to guess...would you get it right? I probably wouldn't. - Steve]

So what will happen? The judges must decide. They must decide. Even though they made them (Belle Amie) up, they must decideeeeeeeeee. Louis says he likes both acts, but he will save the act who will grow and get better, so he's sending home Diva Fever. Dannii is making her decision based on the two performances in the sing-off, and so she must send home Diva Fever. Call yourself a gay icon, Minogue? Cheryl says the act she is sending home is also Diva Fever, and thus that saves Simon from having to make his choice. After he hauls all the Belle Amie girls off the stage, Dermot asks Simon who he would have saved. Simon replies, "Dermot, that's not fair. They've left. Leave it at that." Poor Dermot. He is very bad at his job and when he does try to do it he gets hamstrung. [Also, Dermot referred to it as being "like Sophie's Choice" for Simon. Fuck off, Dermot, and don't come back until you have thought about what you just said. - Steve]

So we have a Diva Fever montage. Then Dermot points out that Simon has lost two acts in succession, and he then asks the boys what went wrong. They blame Simon. Simon accepts responsibility. Diva Fever then brilliantly/snittily tell him that he needs to make it up to them. I don't even want to think about that.

So! Two more acts down! Who will go next? Tune in next week!


Anonymous said...

I have to say thanks to you guys and I'm soooooo glad I found this blog again (after being addicted to it last year). I'm on the island of St Helena until December and we only have three channels, none of which are showing X Factor - gutted!! However, I've realised that in reading your blogs every week I don't actually NEED to watch the show :D You four are side-splittingly funny and right on the proverbial button as always. Cheers! Eve x

KMack said...

*sigh* Diva Fever were moderately entertaining. Belle Amie cannot sing at all and need to leave ASAP.

On the plus side, Wagner is the first time I've ever found one of the comedy / 'you can't deny they're entertaining acts actually enjoyable. Normally I hate them and can't wait for the inevitable moment where they try to prove they can sing really, do a ballad and get kicked off.