We're done now. We're done.

Judges' houses: TX: October 2nd, 2010

Thousands applied! Last week, the judges found out who they'd be mentoring, and then the men threw tantrums. This show is so ridiculous - they're trying to get us to believe that the contestants are being flown around the world and only then do they find out who their mentor is. "Ooh, we're going to Ireland! Who will our mentor be?" "Ooh, we're going to Australia! Who will our mentor be?" "Ooh, we're going to next-door to Elle Woods! Who will our mentor be?" "Ooh, we're in a tropical diseases isolation unit and can only see our mentor through sanitised glass! Who will our mentor be?" Anyway, they're going to whittle this 32 down to the final 12. And thus it is time once more to face the music. Please expect tears from Katie and from Cher.

Dermot welcomes us to Sydney. Which judge do you think he might be with today? Twem are excited; Mary flails at the airport. The boys arrive in Australia [to the soundtrack of Kylie. In fact, Kylie will be soundtracking all the Dannii segments tonight - Rad], all still UTTERLY UNAWARE AS TO WHOM THEIR MENTOR MIGHT BE. Marlon is reminding himself it is a competition. Paije has his eyes on the prize. Dannii sashays in and says it is good to be back. I LOVE that at least three of the boys are clasping their hands with excitement. She says that she's not looking for perfection, she's looking for the X-factor. Both would be nice, but both seem unlikely.

On the other side of the world, Westlife are playing, which means we are in IRELAND, where they are FROM. Know who else is from Ireland? Louis. THAT'S WHO YOUR MENTOR IS. Stephen thinks it might be a fake-out. No, Stephen. John says he thinks he knows who it is but he won't guess. YES. IT'S LOUIS. Elesha is added to the Over-28s replacing the poor lady who had to be removed from the competition. [And I'm sure being a second-choice replacement for the crazy lady must be a huge self-esteem booster. - Steve] Louis has re-watched the DVD of the contestants and is more positive about their chances now. Well, that's good. Otherwise it'd all be a bit Simon/Conway Sisters. Anyway, they line up in the garden, Louis emerges, he waves, they don't look THAT surprised. See, older people are SMART. Storm lies that Louis has integrity. [I laughed so hard at this - Rad] Suck-up.

The groups are in Marbella. One of The Reason thinks their mentor will be Simon; meanwhile, Cowell is moaning about having to work hard with this lot. And then they all rush at him and start hugging (led by Princes and Rogues). Hmm. Simon doesn't strike me as being a very huggy kind of person. He then makes the joke he makes every year about "opening the door and thinking it could have been Louis".

The girls are in Ascot, wandering through woodland. Keri says so much is at stake. Katie says this is all she's thought of since she was a little girl. Last week, then? [Exactly - referring to when you where a little girl when your entire schtick revolves around being a kooky adult-child is an extraordinarily stupid thing to do. - Steve] Cheryl descends the stairs like Norma Desmond. She apologises to them for missing bootcamp, and says she knows they are all nervous. She's brought Will I Am along with her [wearing a sash like Worf used to wear in Star Trek - Rad], like ANYONE GIVES A TOSS ABOUT HIM. All the better for the showmance. He sounds surprisingly camp when he's talking as him.

Meanwhile, Dannii is joined by Natalie Imbruglia. Like that's as good as when she had Kylie. Cowell, obviously has Sinitta, who's basically become a caricature of herself now and is wearing a black leotard and thigh-high leather boots. [She looked like an extra from the year 3000 scenes in The Girl From Tomorrow. - Steve] And Louis has LEAST SUCCESSFUL X-FACTOR JUDGE EVER SHARON OSBOURNE. What the HELL has happened to her face. It genuinely DOES NOT MOVE AT ALL. Only her lower jaw drops open when she speaks. She lies that one of the Over-28s will win this contest for Louis. If I were in this category, I'd deliberately be the worst I could be, to lose the contest FOR LOUIS. Still, on this show, I'd probably get voted through week after week because of my awfulness. [Also, I would kill myself so you could cry about your friend, WHO IS DEAD. That'd help. - Steve]

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Dermot's still skulking around Dannii's house, where it is crunchtime for the boys, who are playing in the surf. Poor Paije is wearing a big baggy t-shirt while the others happily strip off. First to sing is Nicolo, who says he is down-to-earth and modest. He used to sing with a screwdriver and now wants to fulfil his destiny. Dannii tells him to show them what he's made of. He chooses not to gender-switch the lyrics to Paloma Faith's New York, which veers into the nasal, but with some tuition I really do think he could be good. Dannii is unsure whether everyone will get him.

Tom is from Pontypridd in SOUTH WALES WHERE HE IS FROM. Tom Jones is the last singer to come from there apparently. His family IS POOR IN SOUTH WALES and he wants to pay his parents back for everything they've done for him. He sings that stupid Robbie Williams song about seances or whatever. He's really caught the sun on his nose and looks ridiculous. His diction is dreadful. Dannii reckons he pronounces each word like he's in a musical. No, Dannii. You've done musicals. You would not get away with terrible pronunciation like that on the LYRIC STAGE, DARLING.

Paije talks about his job at the cinema, which sounds fairly standard for a teenage boy but he doesn't want to go back there, of course. He hates popcorn. Shush now. He sings True Colours, and I really don't like it. He's got progressively worse since his first audition. Dannii says he knows who he is. Yeah, a whiny cinema usher.

John gives the campest rendition of Back For Good I've ever seen or heard. Dannii diplomatically says he is "different". Karl shakes his microphone around like he has some kind of palsy. Dannii likes his tone. Marlon misses his top notes, but he does admit he's doing all this for himself, rather than his mum or children, who'll benefit peripherally. He then cries about missing his kids. Don't you fucking dare. [All three of them had their VTs intersperesed with their performance in a clear 'don't bother getting excited about this lot' way, as did at least three people in every other category. Suspense, you don't have it, show - Rad]

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Oh, it's the Lazy Decorator. He struggles with flying. I would take the piss but I hate flying too. He was once Santa, but wore Reeboks while being such. He wants to do well because it will mean the end of rubbish jobs. He says he gave up decorating because "I couldn't stick it any more". Tosser. He sings If I Were A Boy. Odd choice. And then an odd performance with a weird falsetto. Dannii pulls an epic face at Natalie. If he wasn't such an affected wanker, there could be a voice under there. Dannii says she was wondering if she'd made the wrong song choice. Um, yes.

Aiden and his epic lesbian hair is on last. He says he feels like a small fish in a very big pond. He sings at his feet. Brian Friedman will rip him to shreds. Oh, and then there's some Pirate Jessie sidegob, and an unattractive wet nostril. Ugh. Natalie and Dannii agree that he is composed.

Now it's time for the ladies to deliberate over their polaroids, uttering non-specific utterances, while the boys talk to the camera about how they think they did. We do get the burn, "I don't think he's as good as he thinks he is," from Dannii [and Natalie calling one of them an 'it' - Rad].

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Back to Ireland. Dermot is EVERYWHERE AT ONCE. We're reminded of Louis's charmless behaviour when he found out about his category, and now he describes them as "colourful". I do wish Stephen would buy some clothes that fit. He sings and wiggles to Get The Party Started. He's another one with a decent voice hidden beneath the stupid affectations. [I don't see that at all, but you know more about singing than I do, so I shall defer to your judgement on this one. - Steve] Sharon's face doesn't move or react. Because it can't.

Yuli talks about how very much she rehearses her songs, and she does Crazy Acting to Bonkers. Justin is confident in his performance of Telephone. He looks like a Vulcan. Sharon says this category is like One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, and Louis says they are misfits. They are so rude.

Wagner picks flowers from the garden and is excited about being able to provide for his son. Um, OK? Or you could just find another job? [There are at least 20 that have been vacated by Tobias in the past few years, for starters. Or he could take on Lazy Decorator's former clients. - Steve] He tells Sharon and Louis how much he has enjoyed the competition and will remember it on his deathbed. Wagner then sings YOU GOT THE LOVE. Seriously, I see what the show is doing with this category, but presumably, as in Dannii's category, the mentor has picked the song for each singer? However inappropriate? Wagner tells Dermot that Sharon has beautiful eyes, and that she was a bit intrigued. Sharon says Wagner has a certain...and Louis interjects "je ne sais quoi". Quite.

Time for plinky piano music of TRAGIC LIFE for Tesco [official exclusive suppliers of The X Factor magazine. I'm just sayin' - Rad] Mary as she talks about her WASTED LIFE working in a shop and raising a daughter. She cries as she tells Louis and Sharon about the longing in her heart for something she wanted all her life. She sings Fix You VERY BADLY but loudly. Off-camera producer says things to Mary to make her cry.

John has bright guitar music. He seems like such a nice chap - he likes his job as a care worker, for starters. He sings that Billionaire song while bouncing up and down. [Except he says 'Millionaire' every single time. I'd be inclined not to put someone through who can't even get the song title right. - Steve] Sharon likes him but wonders about his range. Because he had a RUBBISH SONG. Because LOUIS IS RUBBISH.

Elesha's up next. She has nice sparkly eyeshadow. She belts If I Ain't Got You, because nobody's sung that so far for about an hour or two. Louis wonders if people would lift the phone to vote for her. Answer - no.

The Final Countdown heralds the arrival of Storm. His Scottish accent is coming out more strongly now as he talks about being FROM SCOTLAND ORIGINALLY. Which is important to note. He then witters on a lot more and it's horrifically self-indulgent and tedious, as is his performance of Without You. And then he cries. Hate him. Dermot hugs him. Hate him more now. Louis and Sharon talk about STORM'S LIFE DEPENDING ON THIS.

Then time for some deliberation over polaroids. Louis says, "The problem is, she doesn't look like a ready-made pop star." Any ideas who he might be talking about? By the way, they are sitting in the garden, with lit candelabras everywhere. It's all a bit Gothic. Or it would be if Louis wasn't there. He's starting to feel more confident about his category, anyway. They make their choice, and clink glasses. Sharon says, "Don't call me till you've won." Clever way to make sure he doesn't ring you, Mrs O.

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Reminder of Simon being a twat about getting the groups. Clips of the groups looking pensive, and then Sinitta walks in like an alien princess to dispense advice along with Simon. Her advice is limited to standing there silently, it seems. Twem are first to audition. They practise choreography, and claim they have always known that their purpose is music. One of the moves in their routine looks a bit like masturbation.

Bel Ami [whose clever idea was it to name them after gay porn? - Rad], one of the mashed-together groups, talk about how difficult it is to practise when you aren't friends and don't live near each other. They sing a version of Faith. It's OK, but they don't look like a group yet. They sound like they might get some decent harmonies worked out at some point.

I LOVE Princes and Rogues, they're the gayest boy band ever, and they really do sing nicely. [But they look so creepy! Especially the David Spade one. - Steve] Simon hates them, evidently. Husstle sing Tainted Love and have made some diagonal choreography up, so well done for the effort. "It's not a girl group, it's one girl and four back-up singers," sighs Simon. YEAH, JUST LIKE HOPE WERE. Shut up, Simon.

The Reason wheel out some falsetto and Simon looks unimpressed. Actually there's some terrible breathing there. Rubbish. And now I am laughing at the hashed-together boy band One Direction. ONE DIRECTION? They have a problem in that one of them has smashed up his foot in the sea and gone to hospital. We see images of a hospital and him hopping, in case we didn't quite understand.

Regardless, FYD are next. They are sad because Simon didn't like them at their first audition. We then see a butler pouring water for Simon as the boys march up the stairs. They sing Beggin', and make a good job of it, but their choreography SUCKS BEYOND COMPARE. Sinitta thinks they're the best singers. Simon says he's not sure whether they're dancers or singers [One of them was in BBC's Dance X, with Ife off Big Brother and Bruno's Voice - Rad]. Um.

Ooh, time for Diva Fever. The one from university says that he's not academic and doesn't want to read books. Well, don't be at university then. Signed, An Academic. The boys say they are a challenge, and then flirt a bit with Simon before singing a whiny version of Love Machine. Sinitta loves them, obviously.

We are reminded of the HORROR that was Louis's foot getting stung by a sea urchin about three minutes ago, and the boys rush to him and hug him like he's been away for a million years and like he's their friend rather than someone they were lumbered with. They perform Torn. The little boy who got stung does absolutely NOTHING. The lead singer boy looks like Eoghan QUIGG if he was ten years older and not really smug and irritating. Simon thinks they are cool. Sinitta likes their emotion and rawness. Seriously? [Also: only Harry and Liam sang solos, apart from the boy who didn't dance last week (Zain?) getting a line at the end, so effectively the other three are the 'woo woo' boys and his comment about Husstle applies just as much to this lot - Rad]

Deliberation - candles - polaroids. Simon and Sinitta argue about who is going through. "Are you serious? Not in a million, billion years," he declares, before getting fed up and telling her they should both sleep on it.

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And back to the girls. Cheryl stands on a bridge and looks like she is modelling knitwear for a catalogue. They all sit around on chairs and talk about how nervous they will feel. Will I Am says to give it all they have. The girls giggle. UNCONFIDENT RUBBISH REBECCA has new long hair. She cries and whines. Cheryl tells her that she's happy to have her here. Rebecca then does that really annoying Mariah Carey diva hand-gesture while singing her song with her eyes closed and head tilted at the floor. Cheryl and Will I Am like the tone of her voice; he says she has a superstar voice; she says she likes that Rebecca is shy and vulnerable. What the fuck EVER. [She sounds like she's putting on a voice, rather than using her natural singing voice - Rad]

Gamu made Louis cry before, so she gets point for that. She sings in a field. Then she goes inside and sings for Cheryl. Her diction is dreadful too. There are no Ts in Cry Me Out at all, apparently. Gamu then goes out and cries at Dermot. So bored of the weeping now.

Annastasia says she needs to nail it today because her second chance may not come again. No kidding. Cheryl thinks she is better. Raquel says it is weird to be confident enough to sing in front of people. Keri sings Wake Me Up When September Ends and talks about being a Diana Ross impersonator, complaining that people always want her to sing it "exactly the same". Um, yes, that's kind of a given with the job description, isn't it?

Katie twats her way around the grounds with an entirely lace outfit and a lace parasol and then makes an utter cock of herself by saying she wants to be a legend in music, movies, fashion, MEDICINE (does she mean drug-taking, maybe?) and everything. [She also said she wanted to be "a legacy", because she's an idiot who doesn't know what that word means, but as my boyfriend pointed out, in many ways she already is this show's legacy . - Steve] She also has massive false eyelashes on, with some kind of sparkles on and it looks like she has conjunctivitis. She then does fake crying, which stops her from singing. "It's an emotional song," she says. "This is my last shot for you guys." Oh, FUCK OFF. Seriously. Cheryl says that you'll definitely have an opinion on Katie. Yes, the entire nation FUCKING HATES HER.

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What on earth is Treyc wearing? It looks like she has the dome of St Paul's Cathedral on each shoulder. She sings an Ave Maria. Why?

Stupid Cher and her crap derivative "originality" up next. She whines about having a sore throat. Don't worry, it worked for THE CLAW. I snigger when she says that she has all white stuff on her throat. She doesn't sound any different singing with a sore throat than she does normally. She has to start over, though, and starts positively twitching. This poor girl...really isn't well, is she? I suspect not just with tonsillitis. She stops singing again, and then looks like she's about to faint. "I can't get nothing out!" she whispers. "I'm worried about you," says Cheryl, who asks her if she wants to come back later. And it's almost sad when she whispers, "I'm done now. I'm done." At least it would be if it wasn't so FUCKING STAGED with a camera following her down the hall.

Photos - candles- deliberation. Will I Am finds it easy to select four girls (Katie, Treyc, Gamu and Rebecca, I would guess). Cher is in utter flitters in her piece-to-camera.

Tomorrow night! We finally find out who's going through. Join Rad then!