D.I.S.C.NO

Disco week – 2^nd November 2013

First of all, let me apologise for not being Steve. He’s asked me to step in on short notice and because I really, really, REALLY want to be taken off of probation I said yes. I’m a total suck up. I’m the worst kind of office crawler. I really hope that this is the end and the next time I get fired I can take someone’s ASS TO COURT and get the compensation I deserve. What? Nothing. [You've officially got tenure now, you can relax. - Steve]

ANYWAY. Last week I walked you through the horror that was Movie Week and we saw the feminist bus thrown without any doubt towards Missed Dynamics.  We also got a little insight into the judges' feelings about the machine when Louis’ mic wasn’t entirely switched off properly during the results, and a joy it was too.

This week though, as Sam told us last week by accident, is Disco week. Expect balliding.  We begin with a recap of last week which seems to still want us to see how awful Missed Dynamics and their traitorous womb were. Ah well. We’re also reminded that that Hannah is not to be in the bottom two again. We’re also schooling the kids with a bit of Chic and Nile Rogers. But first – Funsponge doesn’t want another act in the bottom two, Nicole’s acts are going to light up the stage and kill disco. Well, we know Abi will.  Louis thinks Disco week is going to be a tough week for his boys but he’s not afraid of a challenge and Sharon is sure that Sambailey is going to be a disco diva. Funsponge thinks that Louis’ acts are going to struggle. Louis thinks that he was overly harsh but LOL he’s the one that lost an act and Nicole needs cooling down from the disco inferno. GIANT X.

Durrbot arrives onstage to Chic actually playing him on. He arrives with lots of ladies in flares but doesn’t seem to do any actual dancing. SUITWATCH - same as last week but with a beige tie. He’s obviously decided that’s his look. [I'm really not happy about his obsession with these scooping waistcoats he keeps wearing, either. They look silly. - Steve] He introduces the judges as Disco Divas. Louis is all in black. Sharon looks awesome in electric blue, Nicole has gone full 70s hair with a blue sequined number that her boobs nearly escape from and Funsponge is in a plain black suit/white shirt combo. He’s trying to look like the Anti-Louis. We’re promised Earth, Wind and Fire with an emphasis on the wind. LOL DURRBOT YOU CARD. First of all, we’ve got to listen to some Chic with NILE ROGERS because they’ve paid a fuckton of cash to get them on the show tonight and they’re getting their money’s worth. They play an honest to goodness medley (who doesn’t love a medley?) of Le Freak (C’est Chic), He’s the Greatest Dancer and Good Times. It goes on far, far too long.  [About as long as the Strictly overlap, perchance? - Rad] Durrbot pronounces it a great way to start the show. He pretends to be buddies with ‘Nile’ and calls him a legend and then lists all the people he’s worked with, culminating in Daft Punk before finally asking him a direct question about what he’s up to.  He replies ‘all of the above’ and says he’s been on tour. Durrbot invites him back next week and he replies that he can’t because he’s off to Japan.  Apparently, tomorrow 8 acts will be having good times but for one it will be D.I.S.C.OVER. He attempts to get Nile to be impressed by his terrible joke but Nile treats it with the contempt it deserves.  ADVERTS.

When we return, Durrbot welcomes us back and tells us to forget Studio 54 and Decadence in Chelmsford because it’s Disco Night at the X Factor. Yes. I’m sure it’s EXACTLY like both those places in that it’s a hotbed of Hollywood glamour and someone is currently being sick and crying in the toilets. One of those, anyway. We’re with the boys first, and Durrbot proclaims Louis the inspiration behind the hit “He’s the Greatest Dancer”. Louis is introducing Luke of the Dump!

Luke of the Dump is happy with last week’s performance and thinks it’s his best so far. His comments from Funsponge made him think he could do it, but Louis is worried that the judges now see him as a dark horse. Oh Louis, I’m more forgiving of your nonsense than most but the WHOLE POINT of a dark horse is that nobody expects them to do win it. If people know you’re a dark horse then you’re not a dark horse. Luke is going to fight for it more now he knows that he’s in with a chance. Louis then admits that Luke, as a self proclaimed acoustic singer songwriter, may not have the best time with Disco. No shit Sherlock. Apparently he should be versatile to handle it. Luke has been researching disco and thinks that he can fit in with its theme of big hair and flares. SamBailey even teaches him a bit of disco dancing BECAUSE SHE’S THE MOTHER OF THE HOUSE AND THEY CAN’T DO WITHOUT HER DO YOU SEE? Luke has been getting his disco groove on all week because it says so in the script. He wants to go out and show he’s adaptable and a contender and promises to put his own interpretation on disco. OH GOOD.

Luke is doing “Play That Funky Music”. I can’t think of anything to say about it because it reminded me so much of Arsetat that I wanted to poke out my eyes. It was just that kind of tuneless showboating that he did so well.  He even ends it lying on the floor because he’s so RAWK. Oh all the gods, make it stop.

Sharon comes over all unnecessary as she didn’t know Luke had it inside him.  She reiterates that he’s the dark horse and he’s coming up the outside. He’s shown how adaptable he is and he threw himself into it (full body) and it shows. Funsponge saw the dancers, the eyeliner and the gold boots and assumed he would hate it because it was so much fun in one place but within about five seconds he thought it was incredible. He was wondering how a guy with a rock voice could do disco but Luke has shown him the way. Nicole didn’t know that Disco Week would be the week that Luke came alive. She’s clearly been drinking. She’s more insane than usual.  She’s figured out that it’s his hair because it’s always been funky. Louis thinks it’s a good opener, he’s the dark horse again and he reminds him of a little Johnny Depp. Ah yes, that famous music artist Johnny Depp. To be fair, Luke does seem like a product of Tim Burton’s twisted imagination, which makes me glad that this week isn’t Halloween week.

Durrbot reiterates that Johnny Depp loves disco. Durrbot asks Luke how he thinks the performance went. Luke replies that he was a bit out of breath at the end. He really is turning into the unholy spawn of Funsponge and Howard Donald. Durrbot says he seems to be enjoying it more each week. Luke said he enjoyed getting is moves out.

So apparently tonight there’s no flash vote. Does anyone know why? [I'd say "because it was shit and pointless", but it's not like that's ever stopped them. - Steve] BUY THE APP. We’re in to the groups and we’re reminded that Funsponge is just back from ENTERTAINING OUR BOYS IN AFGHANISTAN, DON’T UPSET HIM AGAIN. [Is it too cruel to make a joke along the lines of all those weapons, and yet... ? - Rad] It’s Hideous Hipster Boyband Abomination! Funsponge talks to them about turning up the choreography this week. One of them, I would look up their names but I really, really don’t care to, suddenly can’t dance. Funsponge declares him the ‘me’ of the group. What, he’s going to passive aggressively bully the one that’s getting more attention than him, see that he’s kicked out then watch his meteoric solo success whilst his stalls and fails then they’re going to pretend to like each other for a reunion tour 15 years later and release a song that Steven hates called The Flood? [NOOOOOOOOOO etc. - Steve] WOW, THAT’S QUITE A COMPARISON. They all laugh like they know what he’s talking about until they watch the video for Sure by Take That on a SAMSUNG GALAXY TAB then all of a sudden they know what he means and dissolve into proper, full on hysterics. They should see the acting at the beginning. They would like his voice but not the moves. We see them practicing the dancing, which is apparently next level.  The one that can’t dance is worried because he normally sings but everyone has a lead vocal this week so OMG DANGER CHOREOGRAPHY. Nobody wants to let anyone down.

They’re doing Blame It on the Boogie which ANY FULE NO has the easiest dance routine in the world. It’s the usual hipster abomination, complete with 80s blouses and tight trousers with rolled up cuffs. Again, I don’t have the words to adequately describe the awfulness. I think it’s probably the place for people who have seen war or other similar atrocities to describe it for us. The DANGER!CHOREOGRAPY isn’t all that dangerous after all. They bound about the stage like puppies who haven’t had their Ritalin. I just want it to be over. Please make it be over. I’ve been good this year. I don’t deserve this. I give to charity and everything. [Not only was that no Jackson Five, that wasn't even Big Fun.  I blame the shitty un-matching clothes - Rad]

When it’s finally over two years later, Nicole loves the energy, she’s slurring now. She repeats that she loves the energy, says exqueeze me and thinks they should throw away the mic stands. She wanted them to let go as they’re a bit too contrived planned. Louis can see where Nicole is coming from but he loves the energy. He thinks their vocals need work but he hopes they’re in the competition for a couple more weeks. THROWING SHADE LIKE A NINJA THERE WALSH, I LIKE IT. Sharon says that she relies on their performance every week but they need to forget being in the bottom two. Funsponge is proud of them because they are serious and they don’t just do a performance, they do a show.

Durrbot wonders if they think that they are trying too hard. They say they take it seriously but only because they want to win. Nicole then asks them to do a lunge in the manner of your mum after too many sherries. They oblige.  Durrbot wonders if she’s happy. She says that she learned it from him. Oh yeah.

ADVERTS!

When we return, Durrbot is in the audience with Souli Roots and we are reminded of how this used to be fun. She’s feeling fabulous and wants to tell “Brother” Gary hello and also Auntie Sharon. GAH. [I miss Souli Roots. - Steve] [It's like 'here's what you could have won', isn't it?  STUPID SHOW.  Also, I miss NotLouis - Rad] Girls now and its Glitter ball Fancier Nicole with Tamera. Tamera enjoyed herself last week but we’re reminded it was too much fun for Funsponge. We’re reminded that Tamera is ONLY SIXTEEN so OF COURSE she doesn’t know herself yet. She confesses to Nicole that she loves doing all the arm movements and stuff. Nicole confesses that she wanted to be Whitney when she was younger but SNAPPED OUT OF IT FOR GOD'S SAKE [After the results show - LOL - Rad] and Tamera should stop wanting to be other artists. Tamera has seen a huge change in herself since starting because she’s finally doing something she loves and she doesn’t want it to end. You’re sixteen for god’s sake. Last year your favourite thing was working out percentages for you and that fit year eleven boy.  Anyway, all Tamera knows about disco is Afros, so Nicole took her to a roller disco which taught her everything she needed to know. She’s going to sing her heart out and BE HERSELF.

Tamera sings Wishing on a Star. From the first note you know she’s got it. This competition is going to be such a cakewalk for her it’s actually embarrassing. She looks like an actual disco goddess and she sings not only perfectly, but with style and individuality. I’m looking forward to seeing how they’re going to inject some fake jeopardy into this one.  Let’s see, shall we? [I give it less than a week before the "that smug bitch Tamera thinks she's going to win" reports start appearing. - Steve] [Oops - Rad]

Louis kicks off the feedback. She’s a star, she’s got star quality, she’s a little diva and she’s only 16. If there’s any justice she’ll go far. Sharon finally gets her name right and says it was a lovely performance, controlled and smooth and her voice is like velvet. Funsponge thinks she’s grown up and her performance was elegant and not just a girl doing a throwaway disco cover. It had Nicole written all over it. Nicole thinks she threw it down last week but this week she got to show off her tone with a gentler song and this shows that she can do anything.

Durrbot goes back to the 70s and compares Tamera’s hair to a microphone. Bit racist. Tamera was a bit edgy about singing a stripped down song but she put herself into it and she hopes she’s done enough. Durrbot asks her about Nicole’s rollerskating skills. She says alright. He then asks what it was like to hang out with her, presumably because he never gets to. She makes a non committal noise. Tamera!

Back to Louis, the disco champion of County Mayo and his boys, it’s Sam Callahan! He enjoyed his performance last week but was gutted at Funsponge's negative feedback. Louis doesn’t want him to dwell on the comments and he needs to pick himself up. [Two amazing things about this segment: that he watches the judging back on TALK TALK'S EXCELLENT YOUVIEW SERVICE (presumably because the PRODUCT PLACEMENT TABLET was broken), and also that House Mum Sam Bailey was there next to him tousling his hair, because of course she was. - Steve] Sam thinks the way to do this is to go back and see his football mates. He gets a hug off his manager Lee and he tells the football lads that he wants a bit of support. He has kick around and it boosts his confidence. I think this segment is to show that Sam isn’t just a pretty boy, he does boy stuff too but all it shows me is that he can play a supposed game of football without messing his hair up so this really proves nothing. [...sorry, the only bit I remember anything about is where his entire football team threw themselves on top of each other in celebration. Can't think why. - Steve] He’s singing Relight My Fire, which he clunkily tells us is a disco hit that Take That covered. That’s the way to show off your awesome vocals Sam! Sing a song that Funsponge sang. OH VERY DEAR.

Sam is singing the song in a boxing ring. IT’s so terrible tat Funsponge’s lower jaw actually drops to his chest. Not even the Olly Murs Legs For The Mams (tm) can save him. His vocals suck, the stage set is frankly embarrassing, he gets the lyrics wrong but at least you can see his wonderful guns. Oh sweet baby jeebus those guns. [And I believe he's topless on the screen behind. You can't say they weren't pulling out all the stops this week. - Steve]

The feedback begins with Sharon who seems to have been at Nicole’s cooking sherry. Sharon says he puts everything into his performance and he clearly loves it. Funsponge agrees with Mrs O in that he’s a lovely lad but he hated his performance. His vocals were exposed and it’s clear that everyone is better than him. Nicole isn’t so sure about that but his vocals were better than last week but concentrates on his charisma and likeability. The song made his voice sound smaller and he should concentrate more on performing. Louis thinks Funsponge was harsh because he came out fighting. OH MY GOD THAT STAGING WAS AN ACTUAL METAPHOR. Louis wishes everyone worked as hard as him. Louis hopes people vote for him and reminds Funsponge that he sang his song.

Durrbot wants to know what Sam thinks. Sam reiterates that it’s not The Voice and he’s been clear that he’s not the best singer but he’ll continue to work hard. Durrbot wants to hear from Nicole and Funsponge what Sam can do to please them. Nicole wants him to get rid of the boxers, Funsponge wants him to find pop songs that suit him. Louis shouts that he’s still here.

MOAR ADVERTS.

The first act when we return to Disco night is the final group, Rough Copy. Funsponge thinks they’ve been well behaved so far but he wants to see some of the chaos from auditions in the live show. They want the sweet and street Rough Copy back. The sweet and street Rough Copy apparently is about throwing two strawberries across the room, but Funsponge draws the line at bananas. Rough Copy have been hands on this week with the choreography and the styling. Funsponge Skypes from SINGING FOR OUR BOYS IN AFGHANISTAN ON HIS SAMSUNG GALAXY TAB and says it was his proudest moment. He reminds them that if they work hard, they could be doing the same.

They’re singing September wearing variations on sparkly tuxes with magenta highlights. Their sweet and street new attitude seems to consist of them running around the stage like they’re lost and wearing those trousers that make you look like your nappy needs changing. They seem to have focused less on the vocals this week. It shows.

Nicole gets screamed over. She declares them to be disco and Le Freak. She says the audience were being electric and she loves that they did disco their own way. Louis loves that they can put on a show and there has to be a place in the charts for them. Sharon thinks they're effortless, natural and joyous. She then complains that their dressing room is next to hers and THEY PRACTICED FOR TWO HOURS COS THEY WANTED IT SO MUCH. [She also adds that she "couldn't sleep", which I like to think says a lot about Sharon. - Steve] Funsponge thinks they got it completely right, he loves them and it was his performance of the night.

They tell Durrbot that they got their groove on and try to teach him to do the same. They can’t. Rough Copy say that they messed up a bit but the spirit took them and they worked it out. They’re also happy that Nile Rogers sort of heard them from his dressing room.

Happy Christmas JLS wants you to come to his farewell show! You should go.

When we return from yet another ad break, it’s time for Abi to murder some disco. She and Nicole watch back her performance from last week. She claims it was the nerves that let her down but the feedback gutted her. They watch her audition. Abi cries because this soul sucking machine has taken her confidence away since then. Nicole wants to get it back and she has to be herself to do that. She’s going to sing her own arrangement of I Will Survive. It’s not her style but she’s going to grab it by the balls (?) and make it her own. We’re promised full Abi which I’m looking forward to about as much as forthcoming dental surgery.

So what’s it like? Of course, it’s a very decent disco song ballided to within an inch of its life. At certain points my eyebrows start to raise because it sounds like it’s going somewhere but it doesn’t.  I’m so bored that I start imagining the John Lewis advert it’s backing in my head. It’s about a woman going through a break up. Maybe she’s jilted at the altar and she’s got a John Lewis wedding list. She’s repackaging the stuff because she just can’t look at it but she decides she’s happy without her husband because she has a Nespresso machine.

Oh, it’s over. Louis remarks that disco was out of her comfort zone but she picked a great song and got back behind the piano. She’s ‘like’ a singer songwriter and that’s her niche. Sharon calls her Abi-dabi and says she’s like a little musical box with the girl in it. She thinks it’s a brave song choice, good arrangement and she bows down to her because she knows who she is as an artist and she’s brave again. Funsponge has been hard on her because she knows that that is what she’s capable of. Well done. Nicole is full drunk now, she grabbed it by the disco balls and showed them. She was Abidellic and authentic and she forgot the glitter and cameras and got back to her.

Abi isn’t crying this week. Durrbot knows that it was all important to her. She’s happy with her feedback and without last week’s feedback she wouldn’t have got back to herself.

On to Louis and the last boy, it’s Nicholas. He loved singing his song on Saturday but was worried that Funsponge didn’t like it. Louis explains that it’s all gameplaying because Funsponge wants to win. They’re going to school him about fun this week. It’s also about showing that Nicholas is FUN. This means that we see him having LARKS in the X Factor house. He’s singing Rock With You and he’s worried about pulling off a Michael Jackson song. He’s also got some DANGER!CHOREOGRAPHY to take him out his comfort zone. He’s showing he’s not a one trick pony. Let’s hope it pays off.

It doesn’t. Bless him, he’s only wee but he’s far too musical theatre to pull this off.  He’s standing on a plinth which makes us all painfully aware he’s the same height as everyone else on it. He also tries to do some sensual glances into camera which honestly make me a bit uncomfortable if I’m honest. He’s about as sexual as one of the Muppet Babies.

Sharon loves him so much she’s going to put him in her pocket. It was fantastic and brave. She wanted it to be a bit more naughty because that side is there. Funsponge was glad to see a bit of youth which is a bold statement under the current climate. He’s impressed by his voice and that he can sing anything. Nicole calls him Nicky Blue Eyes Honey Child, which I’m sure is one of Honey Boo Boo’s sisters. She wants to rock with him all night but not like that. She loves his voice but wants him to work on his performance and feeling more. Louis thinks he’s a natural performer and he has it. He hopes he goes all the way.

Durrbot imagines that Nicholas may be slightly afraid of the theme. He’s grateful to be here and he hopes everyone votes for him and he hopes he’s shown he’s not a one trick pony. Keep reading the script Nicholas.

Adverts. Again.

When we return Caroline Flack is supervised so she’s allowed near Sam Callahan. She wants to know if he agrees with the comments. He agrees that it wasn’t the best vocal performance. He’s never going to be the other Sam but he’s going out and performing and HAVING FUN so what the bloody flip more do they want from him? Sam’s mum and dad don’t take to kindly to Funsponge saying everyone else is a better singer because he’s NOT ON THE BLOODY VOICE and he should stop judging everyone on vocals alone innit. Sam looks defeated. Funsponge is warned to keep out of Essex. [Surely his Essex fatwa after Rylan should still be in place anyway? - Rad]

Back to the girls. Apparently the final one isn’t just Nicole’s Hannah Banana this week, she’s also a disco diva. We’ll see. Hannah says that being in the bottom two was the worst feeling ever and there was no way she was going home.  It’s made her realise how much she wants it though, because presumably she didn’t want it all that much before. YAWN.  Nicole is shocked too that she was in the bottom two. We’re reminded that Hannah used to be homeless but now she’s living in the X Factor house which is full of love. DON’T REMOVE HER FROM THE LOVE, PUBLIC. Nicole brings James Arthur to  meet her who is apparently her biggest fan. He tells her not to give up. She’s going to come out fighting.

She does.  She’s actually scary. She’s singing [/bellowing as if she's exorcising a demon - Rad] Somebody Else’s Guy dressed up as the cast of Dreamgirls.  She’s achieved what she hasn’t been able to so far though, she’s managed to inject a bit of personality into the performance.

Louis congratulates her on coming back fighting and he’s glad they saved her.  Sharon is offended that Louis suggested that Hannah is wearing one of her dresses but tells her it’s nice to see her smiling because she always looks like she’s smelled something bad. Snork. She likes the happy and vibrant Hannah and she can ask for nothing more. Funsponge knows it’s the way to come back and the song was a great platform for her. Nicole shouts that nobody puts Hannah in a corner. She’s glad Hannah put the funk on it and she’s shown everyone how to disco.

Durrbot says he’s happy to see Hannah smiling. She agrees but said that there was no way she could grump through disco week.  Durrbot compliments her dress and she says she needs the loo because she’s so DOWN TO EARTH.  We have to give it up for Hannah.

One more to go! Apparently Sambailey works in Garfield prison. I heard they have good lasagne.

Oh, after the adverts.

Durrbot  welcomes us back and introduces us to Sharon who tells us to get ready for the sensational Sambailey. She thinks that last week couldn’t have gone any better for her as Celine is her idol. Sharon takes her to a spa because she needs to pace and look after herself. Like a racehorse.  She’s looking forward to Disco Week as she’s the only contestant alive at the time. She’s getting fit though, no more sitting at the computer eating biscuits for Sam. She’s been going to the gym, playing football and eating healthily. She’s lost a stone and a half because she wants to be a popstar and not a singing mum. She’s doing everything she can not to go home.

She does look amazing, though the jumpsuit is a difficult look for anyone to pull off. She’s singing Enough Is Enough. It’s serviceable but it’s clear that she’s more used to singing slower stuff. It’s not terrible. That’s the best thing I can say.

Funsponge was sure she was going to struggle but he was wrong. She’s also an eloquent (sic) performer when she moves around. He also comments on her weight loss. Nicole believed her performance to the degree that she’s afraid for her husband. She’s soulful and curvy. Louis calls her a yummy mummy and says it’s the vocal performance of the night. Sharon is so proud and loves her.

Durrbot says its great feedback and wonders how she felt doing a more up-tempo number. She loved it and she wants to do it again. She channelled all her emotions and knows what she’s singing about. Durrbot points out her husband is terrified and he shouts out that he loves her.

VOTE IS OPEN! That’s it! Join Rad tomorrow for the results show which promises Bixmix, Taylor Swift and Gary Lightbody. Nobody's going to need Horlicks tomorrow night.