Last weekend: this happened, then this happened. Tonight, we open with a montage of all the winners in the history of ever - in a rare moment of total honesty, they do not airbrush out the existence of any of the following people: Brookstein, Steve; Jackson, Leon; Thornton, Kate. In a moment of rather less honesty, however, this weekend has been designated "The X Factor's 10th birthday party!" Why? Nobody knows. It is not the anniversary of the first-ever show. It's not the anniversary of the first-ever final. At best, it's the anniversary of that week that Tabby beat Cassie in the sing-off, which was barely noteworthy at the time much less ten years later. [Nine years later, surely? It's ten series of the X Factor, but only its ninth anniversary. Ten years ago was a much more innocent age, wasn't it? - Rad] I'm sure that the whole birthday theme definitely has nothing to do with the fiftieth anniversary episode of a certain other show happening over on BBC One right now (I could be a total bitch here and point out that it's more like the 36th anniversary of the show if you discount all of those years when it was cancelled, but I daren't because Rad knows where I live) [Or you could even say it was the 51st if you're counting by X Factor's standards - Rad]. The long history of this blog stands testament to the fact that I rarely have much sympathy for this show, but there really is something sad and desperate about the air of "don't watch the other side! We can have a birthday too! Here, have a party horn, PHWEEEEEEEEP!" that pervades tonight's show. It's like the light's gone out of The X Factor's eyes. Honestly, if you'd told me three years ago that The X Factor would be this scared of going head-to-head with Doctor Who, I'd have laughed you right out of my office (/living room). Mind you, when the best defence you can offer against the televisual event of the year (it says here) is Olly MURS and some people singing some songs that remind you of when this show had memorable contestants, it's a bit of a rum do all round really.
Anyway, present for the not-birthday party are Gary and his yes men, Rough Copy; Nicole and her top two girls, Hannah and Tamera; Louis and his top two boys, Luke and Wee Nick (incidentally, Louis claims "I know a winner when I see it, and I've got two", which suggests that even though he's been here for ten years, he still doesn't quite understand how this show works, because even Cheryl was never allowed to have two winners in the same year, even though I'm sure they'd have tried if they thought they could get away with it); and Sharon and presumed Winner-Elect, Sam The Screw. Sharon declares that "no one gets a party started like Mrs O" (though I'd imagine that Sharon's main party-skill is chucking out all the drunks at the end) and Nicole drunkenly wears a party hat and fails to operate a party popper. Actually, to save my fingers from unnecessary typing, just assume that the adverb "drunkenly" applies to everything Nicole does for the rest of the series. It's Time! To Face! Some Old Music!
Here comes Giant X. Doesn't look a day over nine, bless it.
Stevie Wonder's 'Happy Birthday' plays as Dermot enters, but quickly transitions into Olly MURS's 'Dance With Me Tonight'. It's almost as if they don't want us to look too closely at the whole "birthday" thing lest it collapse entirely, isn't it? There's no waistcoat this week, which I'm sure Helen will be pleased about, though I feel like a knitted tie is not an especially good look on Dermot. Or indeed anyone who isn't a Classics teacher. Dermot actually rolls his eyes as he says "birthday weekend". Oh, Dermot. It's you I feel sorry for the most. You sold your soul for a mess of pottage. Dermot reminds us that Olly MURS is here tonight, and One Direction and JLS will be here tomorrow. My soul hope for the redemption of this weekend is that Resentful Direction will say something pissy in the post-performance interview. DON'T LET ME DOWN, RESENTFUL DIRECTION.
There's a montage of every single version of the judging panel playing behind Dermot (except for the six seconds that Brian Friedman was a judge, because LOL) [I miss NotLouis so much. Not as a judge, obviously - Rad] as he introduces this year's models. (Incidentally, my good friend and our former colleague Joel reminded me of this yesterday, and suddenly I seriously miss Kelly Rowland and her Mean Girls cough.) So what's everyone wearing to the party? Gary's in a black dinner suit with a skinny black tie, Nicole is serving Hunger Games realness in a black gown that's slashed all over the place, Sharon is in a white gown (with a massive train, natch) with ridges all over it like a 1970s sofa, and Louis is in his favourite velvet blazer and non-matching trousers.
Dermot reminds us that over the years this show has discovered some brilliant performers, going on to switch to his ooh-a-bit-dodgy voice as he says "as well as some more..." - a sentence that remains unfinished as he's interrupting by Gary Barlow walking past him. Sometimes the best jokes in the world are the ones that happen by accident, aren't they? Also, Nicole sees that the camera is right behind her and starts leaning over the desk and semi-twerking. Oh, Drunkole. You of all the judges know best how to get through the next 90 minutes.
We have a lot of time to fill tonight, but since this year's contestants are dullards, we're opening with "an Essex boy who was runner-up in 2009" (but would've lost to Jedward had it gone to DEADLOCK at top six, NEVA 4GET) and is now a huge
Time for the first ac...oh, no, it's an ad break. Before we've even had a single performance. Eesh. Also, this whole idea of making an event of the premiere of a Christmas advert is getting very silly now.
When we return, it's time for Louis and the boys, specifically "Scotland's finest Nicholas McDonald". Whether this means other countries have some better Nicholas McDonalds is still to be determined. This week, Wee Nick went home to sing at Scotland's national stadium because some people were doing something with a ball (this is pretty much the sum total of my sports knowledge). After that, he went to meet with Louis who told him that he would be singing 'The Climb' this week, because Mawliddle Jor McElderry had a bit hit with it. (Just not with anything else.) Wee Nick says that he and his family always voted for Jor when he was on the show, and Louis arranges for Jor to come and give Wee Nick a pep talk. Jor tells Wee Nick that he reminds him of himself when he was on the show (at which point an entire nation goes "...in the closet?") and Wee Nick performs the track for Jor, who advises him to ad lib a bit more during the key change. Also to have a back-up plan that involves doing lots of opera and mumpop in case it turns out you're not all that commercial.
Wee Nick is placed upon the Rebecca Ferguson Memorial Podium Of Immobility and wearing high-waisted jeans that make him look even shorter than usual. As with pretty much all of Wee Nick's performances, it's entirely adequate but not much more than that. The obligatory choir gets wheeled out to make A Moment happen, but there's not really enough oomph in the performance for that.
Sharon begins by wishing Wee Nick a happy birthday, though whether this is his actual birthday or merely a day on which he's decided to celebrate it is anyone's guess at this point. Sharon loves the song, and says that Wee Nick is so reliable, and solid as a rock. There's a ringing endorsement if ever I heard one. Gary calls it "another great performance", but wants him to work on his identity by...going away this week and "download[ing] people the same age as you". What, downloading them INTO HIMSELF? Well, I guess it worked that week when Rachel Adedeji temporarily replaced her own personality with Stacey Solomon's. Nicole wants to give Nicky Blue Eyes a big hug, but refrains, instead commenting on how his hands were "living while he was singing", and saying that this is exactly the sort of song that should be on his album. Louis closes by saying that he's been doing the show for ten years, and Nicholas is one of the best vocal contestants he's ever worked with.
Dermot arrives with a genuinely shit cake that looks like it's made out of plasticine, in which Wee Cakey Nick is performing on a Wee Cake, being judged by four Cakey Judges who bear about as much resemblance to their real-life counterparts as I do to Jennifer Lawrence. The audience sings 'Happy Birthday To You' in a highly disorganised fashion, Dermot tries to interview Wee Nick, Wee Nick is too busy laughing to say anything. Dermot disinterestedly shills the app once he's gone. [I love how disdainful Wee Nick was towards that... thing. With that and his pleas for songs he might have heard of, he's going up in my estimation - Rad]
Ads. Jonathan Ross claims that Gary Barlow is a "national treasure". In that case, can we bury him?
When we return, Dermot is in the audience with some former contestants: Chico, Shayne Ward, Johnny Robinson and Rylan. I bet Shayne was thrilled when they showed him to his seat next to all the joke acts. [My favourite bit was when Dermot called him 'Warney' because he clearly doesn't know the difference between Shayne Ward and Shane Warne. And then Shayne's look of utter 'Who is this cunt? Where's Kate Thornton?' - Rad] Also, no Goldie? No Wagner? Fuck this noise. Oh, and Harry Hill's here as well. Have you seen the clips from the forthcoming X Factor musical that he wrote? It looks fucking dreadful. Harry complains that Simon isn't here. I think Simon is a little bit too busy trying to get the ratings for the US version back above six million.
Over to Nicole and her "little angel", Hannah Barrett. Last week, Hannah's performance of '(I Can't Get No) Breath Control' was an all-round disaster, but somehow she avoided the bottom two to everyone's surprise, not least her own. Hannah's VT explores how she can't say "adrenaline", and that she will be singing 'Hallelujah' by Alexandra BURKE. Nicole has arranged for Alexandra to meet Hannah this week, presumably because Alexandra has nothing else to do these days. I think she might actually have been covering Hannah's shifts in Greggs for her. (The post-show decline of Alexandra Burke still makes me sad. She deserved better, she really did.) Anyway, Hannah's very excited to meet Alexandra, and Alexandra is very excited to be relevant again. She tells Hannah that the song is a chance to "really be vulnerable and speak your heart out through words and through song". Yes, that's nonsensical but it's still better feedback than Darcey Bussell has given out on Strictly all series.
Hannah mushmouths her way through the song in a way that seems to involve "David Blaine". I will always love that Simon Cowell chose a winner's single with the line "you don't really care for music, do ya?" in it, and no one will ever be able to convince me that this was not a deliberate and highly successful act of trolling. Anyway, Hannah is wearing Caligula's curtains and struggling with some of the low notes. She is on a podium as well. Is every performance tonight going to be a stealth tribute to Rebecca Ferguson? The choir is activated for this performance too, but they remain at the back of the stage rather than parading out to the forefront like they did for Wee Nick.
Louis says she gave "a very emotional interpretation" and he thinks it was her best performance to date. Sharon thinks Hannah is getting more comfortable with herself each week. Gary tells Hannah that he loves she doesn't pick songs just because they're obvious vote-getters. The sales performance of Alexandra BURKE's version begs to differ. He says that she turns out amazing performances every week and he loves how she gets better and better each week and recovers so well from being in the bottom two. Nicole, sniffing: "You know it touches you when there's snot, y'know?" She tells Hannah that although that song has been sung a hundred gazillion times, nobody can do it like Hannah just did. A beaming Hannah tells Dermot that the song means a lot to her, and she gave a performance from the heart.
Stop! Filler time: here's a montage of things wot the judges have done over the last ten years. Basically, Sharon threw water over people every week, Louis TOOK IT TO DEADLOCK and Gary threw a hissyfit, and Sharon got owned by a door that one time. That's pretty much it.
Dermot asks the judges what their highlights have been from their time on the show. Louis's highlight is getting hired every year, except for that time in series four when he was briefly fired. Sharon's is RIGHT NOW, because she's with the BEST JUDGES EVARZ. Oh cram it, Osbourne. Gary's was being chased around an arena by Goldie Cheung. (YES.) Nicole's was having all three of her acts in the quarter-final, and then having both the winner and the runner-up in her first year. (Again, YES.)
Back to Louis and the boys, and here's Luke Friend. Luke was very upset to be in the sing-off last week, until he had a TOWIE moment with Wee Nick where they "found out" that Adull had tweeted that she wants him to win after hearing that sing-off performance. That she could so easily be impressed by this scratchy mess calls Adull's taste seriously into question. Well, that alongside most of her own material, obviously. Louis reminds us that last time he had this category, he won with Shayne Ward, so he calls Shayne in to mentor Luke...on his performance of One Direction's 'What Makes You Beautiful'. Shayne's reaction is that of a man who wasn't privy to that particular detail when he agreed to be a guest mentor for Songs By Former Contestants Week. Of course, Luke's going to change the song up and therefore Take A Massive Risk in the process, and he shrugs that people will either love it or hate it. Or be spectacularly indifferent to it, which is an option none of these people ever really seem to consider. After all, being in the bottom two doesn't necessarily mean you're hated, it might just mean that people don't care.
Anyway, Luke wails 'What Makes You Beautiful' in a way that Bono might sing it, if Bono were to ever do such a thing. It is the polar opposite of pleasant, but it's still better than that godawful performance he gave in the sing-off last week, so...he's moving in the right direction, I suppose.
Sharon gets back on the 'dark horse'...horse, and says that Luke's really coming into his own now, adding that everything he does "has that little naughty edge to it". Yeah, shoving One Direction through the Acoustic Validator in an entirely workmanlike fashion is REALLY edgy. Gary tells Luke that being in the bottom two could've been THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO HIM, and it was a personal highlight for Gary because of the performance it provoked in the sing-off. So that's both Gary Borelow and Adull both officially on the "shit taste in music" list, then. It must be some sort of inherent quality in thoroughly tedious people. Maybe there should be a study. Gary continues: "at this point, we should be seeing album tracks every week", which is as close as you're ever likely to get to a one-sentence description of everything that is wrong with Gary Barlow as an X Factor judge, because at this point we should be getting future number one hits every week. Nobody buys albums any more, Grandpa. Nicole loves that Luke took the risk and says that she barely recognised the song. Which is apparently a good thing. Louis thinks the risk paid off, and he hopes the One Direction fans liked it. I think that's unlikely, but there's no harm in dreaming big, is there? Louis hopes, like Sharon, that Luke makes the final. Luke says that the judges have given him so much happiness and confidence. Dermot reminds him that Adull "tweeted him" this week, and can we please acknowledge that mentioning a person's existence on Twitter is not the same as "tweeting them"? She didn't specifically direct that tweet at Luke, she mentioned him in passing. Subtle, but valid, distinction.
More ads. Apparently buying an Xbox One gets you up close and personal with Steven Gerrard and Zach Quinto. That's quite an enticing sales pitch.
When we return, Caroline is doing some more Backstage Bothering and introducing Shayne Ward by saying unfortunately-phrased thing like "previous winner from last time Louis had the boys". I think I've already exceeded my quota of jokes about Louis's sexuality for this series, so let's move swiftly on. Also, I don't care what Shayne thinks because being shamefully ignored while standing right behind Caroline are 2 SHOES, cackling away at a private joke and enjoying the hospitality. So robbed. Rylan is there also, making loud noises and blowing kisses at Gary, while Chico reveals that Hannah is his favourite, and also that Tamera won some sort of contest that he hosted at Butlin's eight years ago that he didn't even remember until Tamera's mum told him.
Time for Rough Copy next. Last week they had fun watching "Uncle Gary" perform. That contestant-mentor relationship just gets creepier and creepier, doesn't it? They were in the audience for his sound check on Sunday, and took the opportunity to turn the tables and provide him with some much-needed feedback, although sadly they did not go with "write a better song" like I would've done. They hope if they keep working hard, they'll have a career like Gary's. Hopefully not his solo career. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. This week, Gary told them that they aren't having enough fun and need to have more fun. Quite how Gary Barlow: Enemy Of Entertainment is any sort of qualified judge on this remains a mystery. His solution, however, is to take them to a shitty-looking funfair at Hyde Park. This is not a great situation for Joey, who was scared of all the rides but was forced to go on them anyway by Gary/the producers/people with knives. He decides to calm down by going on a carousel. Sterling and Kaz dismiss this as "a kid's ride", and Joey shoots back that "it's not a kid's ride! It's suited for all ages!" I love him.
However, the fun couldn't last: after that they had to go and meet BixMix because they're singing a song that the girls performed while they were on the show, specifically 'Don't Let Go (Love)' by En Vogue. I love the subtext here that none of BixMix's own material is worth covering. Somebody who looks like St Jesy but cannot be because she isn't wearing leggings of any sort, let alone ugly ones, says that she wants to see them bring out their R&B side because that's where their strength lies. St Jesy Impersonator tells them that they're a boy group doing a girl group song, but if they can Make It Their Own(TM), then they'll be fine.
They've swapped their trademark leather skirts for some sort of cross with camouflage gear and winter sportswear. I am unsure how I feel about this; it's a bit like Sam Callahan wearing a long-sleeved shirt, in that it makes me worry they've just lost the source of all their powers. That said, it's still a throughly solid performance of an absolutely awesome song, and given the lacklustre atmosphere of the evening, it's enough to put them at the head of the pack for me.
The performance gets a rapturous reception, and Nicole says that last week the boys were giving vanilla scoops, but this week they added some caramel, hot chocolate and some "sha-sprinkles" all over it. Nicole's still my favourite judge on the show, but every single comment like that makes her lose her lustre a tiny bit more in my eyes. Louis thinks there's a gap in the market for them, and they could be "the UK Boyz II Men". I fail to see how anything that Rough Copy have done is even remotely Boyz II Men-like, but I'm not sure that any of Louis's comparisons are based on anything stronger than a common skin tone, so I think it's best we move right along. Sharon, however, found the song "awfully whiny". The entire planet is momentarily knocked off its axis by the sheer brass neck of that comment, while I create an entirely new list of People Whose Music Taste Is Even Worse Than Gary Barlow's And Adele's and put Sharon right at the top of it. You may leave the table, Mrs O. Your services are no longer required here. Especially since Sam The Screw is pretty much self-sustaining at this point. (The audience boo her for her comments about the song, which is the first time in a long time that the audience and I have held common ground.) Gary says that there's nobody like out there, and they did a really great job.
Dermot arrives chanting "Arsey! Arsey! Arsey!" Kaz says that they wanted to bring back the urban flavour this week. Dermot asks Joey about his "ski-slope chic" and Joey laughs that he's got "SWAAAAAAAAAAG". Suddenly I'm disappointed that nobody is singing 'Swagger Jagger' this week.
JLS-approved ad break, featuring Waitrose party food. Now I'm hungry.
Our penultimate act of the evening is Tamera. In her VT, Nicole asks Tamera what was going through her head last week. Certainly not "the words", that's for sure. Tamera says that forgetting the lyrics in sound check had been playing on her mind as well. Nicole advises her to treat this as a learning experience, but Tamera is fretting that she's let herself down. She declares that there's "no room for mistakes any more." (LOL WHOOPS.) This week Tamera will be singing 'Impossible' by Shontelle, as covered by comedy homophobe Arthur James, who is apparently coming back next week with Rebecca Ferguson as the show attempts to set the record for Worst Combination Of Returning Contestants In Reality TV History. [FUCK FUCK FUCK. AND I have double songs week. AND it's 'songs which are songs' week. *CRIES* - Rad] I think they might just take it, although if casting rumours are to be believed, Dancing On Ice: All Stars and season 24 of The Amazing Race are going to take some beating. Nicole thinks Tamera can have Her Moment with this song. This week, Tamera met Olly MURS for no reason other than Arthur James was too busy having SMS fights with Lucy Spraggan and watching his album sales go down the toilet because apparently people don't like it when you call someone "a fucking queer" and then try to defend yourself by claiming that this is not a phrase that has any sort of homophobic intent behind it. Olly MURS suggests to Tamera that sometimes the best way to prepare for your performance is to remind yourself who you were before you started in the competition. I imagine this process for Olly runs something like: "oh, that's right: still a bellend."
Tamera has a severe blonde bob going on this week, which is quite nice but when you combine it with the slightly lost expression she's wearing for most of the performance, it does make her look a bit like Dougal from The Magic Roundabout. In other news: the arrangement is too low for Tamera, she forgets her words again and in the process of getting herself back on track somehow arrives at the chorus a couple of bars too early, has to sit out another bar waiting for the backing track to catch up with her, and then about five seconds later all the stress makes her forget her words again. Well, Nicole promised Tamera she was going to have A Moment with this song, and she certainly did, but I suspect this wasn't quite what either of them had in mind. To be fair, she does manage to drag her performance more or less back on track in the back half, but really, there's only so much recovery you can hope for after a fuck-up of that scale.
Louis is ANGRY with Tamera, because she's the one with the potential to be a worldwide superstar, but she can't do that if she doesn't remember the words. Yes, who could possibly have foreseen this? Oh, that's right: EVERYONE. Louis tells her that this is absotively posilutely the last time she can forget her words. This week, anyway. Sharon tries a more supportive approach, telling Tamera not to get down on herself, because she ticks all the boxes (apart from "memory") but tells her to imagine what would happen if she was "lip-singing" (oh Sharon) because it would be something else entirely coming out. Still, Sharon's pleased with her for not giving up entirely, and also she likes her hair. Gary says it was hard to watch, and he doesn't know how we're going to solve this problem because they've seen it several times now. Also, being Barlow, he wants to pitch about the song being in the wrong key and too low for her, as if anyone even remembers that at this point. Nicole says she's proud of Tamera for keeping on going and fighting through it and also being ONLY SIXTEEN even though she looks like she's in her twenties (Nicole's words, not mine), but they just need to conquer her lyrics-remembering demons. Dermot rushes in because they're running over time (which couldn't possibly have anything to do with a superfluous performance from Olly MURS or all that time spent going "ten years of our marvellous judges!" or anything like that) and tries - and fails - to cut Nicole off mid-sentence. He asks Tamera what went wrong, and Tamera mumbles that she just got inside her head a bit too much. "Do you think you tried too hard?" prompts Dermot frantically, in a desperate attempt to save the situation, and Tamera says "...maybe", adding that she put everything into that song. Apart from the lyrics, that is. [I think the thing this week really brought home to me is that she is too young for this. She's younger even than Wee Nick, and whilst she looks older, and has an attitude you might take for someone at least two or three years older, she is only sixteen, and all this talk of having the potential to be a global superstar is probably too much for her, especially coupled with the work ethic needed to do this show and sing new songs weekly. She really should have waited two or three years before doing this show - Rad]
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When we return, the car-crash continues as Dermot throws to Sharon to do the final intro of the night, and Sharon is not paying the slightest attention and just sits there staring until Dermot prompts her a second time. This week, Sharon is "sick of reading all those things in the paper" about Sam The Screw, though doesn't specify what any of those things actually are apart from making vague references to them being about her being too old to win. Come on, X Factor! Flash us up some scandalous headlines like you used to! Where's your fighting spirit? Sam says that she wants to sing for a living, and she has to prove that she can do it every week. Sharon's picked 'Bleeding Love' for Sam to sing, because she thinks that Sam is the only contestant who's close to having Leona's RANGE, DAHLING. Sam is worried about coming across as a cheap Leona impersonator. Leona herself stops by to reassure her, and Sam says that she's worried she's not good at putting her own spin on things, while Leona sits there and identifies with this strong female protagonist, and then advises Sam to just remember to do a few things differently with the song just to differentiate herself from the original. Some real trade secrets there. Thanks Leona!
Apparently the things that Sam is going to differently in her performance of 'Bleeding Love' are: sing it in The Club Voice, make a crywank face, and sing a few lines from the bridge randomly again at the end, so that the song finishes halfway through a sentence. *slow clap* Also, can anybody please verify if that is indeed So You Think You Can Dance series one winner Charlie Bruce on Sam's right, serving as a backing dancer/vocalist? It certainly looks like her.
Gary tells Sam that she's really modernised her vocal this week, flipping between her chest voice and her head voice like "the modern-day divas". Nicole says that all she cares about with Sam is if she means it, and she did. Louis thinks Tamera should watch this performance back and see what a star looks like. Yikes - this show really did hop off the Tamera train and rip up the tracks in front of it. Louis thinks she can sell records worldwide, and she's the person to beat. Then apparently Nicole shouts something about Tamera being ONLY SIXTEEN and how this is therefore an unfair comparison, and Louis replies that Wee Nick is ONLY SIXTEEN (who celebrated his 17th birthday on this show about an hour ago, right in front of Louis) and so is Hannah (who is 17). Oh, Louis. Sharon finishes by saying that she's so thankful to have Sam in her category and "don't believe what you read in the papers, we need your votes". Ah, okay, so that at least is a definite reference to all those leaks about Sam being miles ahead in the votes at this point. Still, it's a fair comment - other people who had been leading the vote consistently only to have the wheels come off more or less around this stage in the competition include Eoghan Quigg and Janet Devlin, so I understand her concerns. Dermot arrives, and Sam replies to Louis's comments by saying that she wishes she'd had a voice like Tamera's at 16. Well-played, Sam Bailey. [Sam handled that brilliantly, I thought - Rad] Sam dedicates the song to her daughter, because she loves Leona and Sam misses her. Her daughter, that is, not Leona Lewis.
And thus, the lines are open. Time for a quick recap: Wee Nick reminding us that it's not about how fast you get there, it's about what's waiting on the other side (eventual public indifference), Hannah reliving Alexandra's finest X Factor moment that did not involve crying on Beyoncé, Luke seeing if he can get negging to work for him, Rough Copy out-BixMixing BixMix, a bit of the song where Tamera actually did remember the words, and Sam wearing a red dress while singing about bleeding. SYMBOLISM.
Dermot welcomes all the acts back onto the stage, and Hannah and Joey Rough Copy giggle about something while Dermot reminds that Sunday's show will include One Direction, JLS, Jessie J and Mary J Blige. Well, I can be excited about one of those four. That's not so bad, is it?