No MK's

Results show Week 3 – 21^st October 2012

Hello, you’ll be pleased to learn that I’ve calmed down a bit since yesterday so I won’t be using ALL THE CAPS as much tonight with any luck. You never know though. We begin with  Dermot telling us that eleven acts sang last night and tonight two will have to sing again before going home. Wow. This is useful information. Dermot’s ill fitting suit tonight is grey and it makes him look like he has rickets. We were told by a commenter that Dermot buys his suits from a company called “A Suit That Fits”. I really hope that’s true. [Especially since I'm sure Dermot's huffed in the past that his suits are tailored, and A Suit That Fits is pretty much the cheapest way of getting a tailored suit there is. - Steve] Last night was an X Factor Party with Club Classics but the judges were not in a party mood because it said so in their scripts. Someone is going home tonight though? Who will it be? We name all the acts again.  This show really, really doesn’t need to be an hour long.  JLS are on tonight though, plus Emilie Sande and Labyrinth. This pleases me, as we really haven’t seen enough of Emilie this year. *Harry Hill Sideways Glance to camera*

Nicole calls Funsponge Borelow again whilst Tulisa does a terrible Irish accent. It’s time to face the music!

We’re live from London and Dermot is officially welcomed. He tells us that the acts are sweating backstage which is more than we really need to know. He brings out the judges by saying that between them they have 85 years experience in the music business, although that’s admittedly mostly Louis.  Here they are! Funsponge is in a black suit with a tartan tie. Nicole and Tulisa are co-ordinated space sluts though Tulisa’s dress is a prom dress and Nicole’s is a bit more constructed. Louis is in a black suit and shirt with a grey tie.  Do we really need to go through this bit again? Tulisa and  Funsponge have a wink off. Dermot thinks that the latter looks like he means business. He does. Boring business.

Numbers are read out before the group song, which is Ain’t Nobody. Can we have this mimed again please? It sounds awful live because you’re never going to get a song that suits everyone. Nobody sound good on this one. This is not helped by the fact that not one single one of them can sing in time with the possible exception of Lucy Spraggan. Bless Christopher, but he looks like he’s in the wrong place compared to the others.  Come on Liverpool and the Nans, please give it up.

Dermot describes last night as a fromagerie washed down with a shamazing. We now have a complete recap of last night with added backstage sections. Christopher doesn’t care if Tulisa doesn’t get it because it’s the public that matter. Not when it comes to the sing off, matey. MK1 just say Shamazing a lot. Funsponge calls Jahmene a vocal masterclass because he has a sensational voice. Jahmene says something but is so overcome I don’t understand it.  Tulisa isn’t happy with Louis for telling Jade she was boring. Funsponge wishes a sore throat on him. Jade thinks she’s done all she can. James is chuffed to get the performance of the series tag.  Union J are happy that the “King of boybands” likes them. Nicole thinks that because they juzzed the hair they can do the same to the vocals.  Louis says that Rylan is a great entertainer that puts smiles on faces and Funsponge should learn to do that. HA. Tulisa wants Lucy to translate to a contemporary audience and she is.  Kye can’t believe his feedback. Neither can anyone else.  District 3 thought their comments were wicked. Tulisa thinks that it’s the battle of the boybands. Funsponge hates Ella’s dancing. Ella doesn’t want to be a one trick pony and stand still every week. WHAT WAS THE POINT IN THAT.

Next up is Labyrinth and Emilie Sande who has been promoted by Dermot to a National Treasure. I wasn’t there when that vote took place [Also: Why wasn't she here in Kind of a bit Olympics.  Ish. Week? - Rad]. Anyway, they are TWO OF THE BIGGEST UK ARTISTS and are PERFOMING TOGETHER THE FIRST TIME. Labyrinth has sold TWO MILLION RECORDS and Emilie HAS BEEN ON EVERYTHING FOR NO EXPLICABLE REASON.  Labyrinth is sitting at a piano doing a ballid for everyone. I wonder how he would get on if he auditioned for the show with this shtick. I don’t think he would get far.  Just when it’s getting really boring, Emilie comes out and makes it SUPERBORING. It’s a dirge. [I suspect the claim that this was the first time they'd performed it together was even truer than we realised. - Steve] So much in fact I’m looking forward to seeing Dermot. Dermot calls it beautiful and asks them when it’s out. It’s out today. Dermot compliments Labyrinth on the set and his singing partner. Why can’t you compliment Emilie to her face? Oh yeah, I forgot, this show is a sexist bag of ass.  Labyrinth says she’s amazing and Emilie has to thank him. Has there really been no adverts yet? Oh, here they are.  I really want to go and see Girls Aloud.

We’re back, Dermot thanks us all for voting on behalf of the acts. He says hello to the judges and pokes Funsponge about the fact that Robbie Williams tweeted in support of Rylan. Funsponge says that it’s all over between them now, even after everything that they’ve done together. Are you going to sack him from himself? That’s going to be interesting.  Nicole says she’s team Robbie. I love you Nicole, I can’t deny it any more.  He wants the name of the person that they think is in trouble. Nicole goes for Christopher, Funsponge goes for Jade but for some reason Tulisa is perfectly accepting of this. Tulisa won’t give a name because it’s so unpredictable. Louis goes for Jade too and Tulisa because she’s a predictable bitch has a snipe at him. YAWN.

Anyway, it’s the X Factor success story. It’s JLS.  JLS have sold OVER TEN MILLION RECORDS and have had FIVE NUMBER ONE SINGLES.  They’ve also won 2 BRIT AWARDS. JLS are so subtly colour coded this time that it’s actually a bit distressing. Someone has obviously decided that it’s time to give them that American sheen thing. But there’s a talky bit! I even think that it’s Merry Christmas JLS that does it too. That’s made it worth it.

When it’s all over, Dermot says it’s good to have them back. He wants to know who the favourites are. They are James Arthur fans. Their new single is out now and Dermot compliments tiny JLS on his muscles. Creepy. More adverts!

Dermot welcomes us back. The results are in. The judges and the acts come back on stage.  We have to be introduced to them all again. Oh man. First safe are Union J. They’re suitably enthused.  They’re followed by Ella who is a lot more dignified than her mentor. James next, followed by Rylan who has the most exquisite meltdown since last week, bless him.  Christopher is next through and Funsponge congratulates him.  Jahmene is next and Tulisa gives Nicole the side eye.  The Sprag looks worried as District 3 are next through. She needn’t have worried. She’s next. The final sure fire place goes to Jade who is as shocked as the rest of us. That leaves us with a bottom two of MK1 vs Dick van Kye. I am really, really not fussed who goes out of these two, though I would like Funsponge to lose another act so that he gets so desperate he locks Christopher in the cellar next week and whips him until he’s better. More adverts! [Aww, I like MK1.  I mean they're not especially good, but they seem sweet - Rad]

When we return Dermot tells us what we’ve just seen. He welcomes MK1 and Kye back to the stage. Charley MK1’s smile has never faltered. I think I like her for this but it could be arrogance. MK1 are first. Louis promises us that they’re going sing their hearts out.  They’re singing a Script song. Don’t they know that’s for t’other side? It’s a bit of a bold choice. The camera cuts to Dermot and he’s wearing a WTF face which he quickly corrects. MK1 are trying to make their performance heartfelt but it comes across as desperate. I’m not confident for them.

Funsponge introduces Kye apologetically saying that he’s had flu all week. Should have thought of that, Louis! Kye is singing a song that I don’t know. Oh, I do. It’s I Can’t Make You Love Me, but it’s a version that’s even more of a ballid than normal. [This song really needs to be banned from being performed on reality shows. Enough, already. - Steve] I don’t know what it is about Kye but I don’t like him. There seems to be an arrogance there that makes me uncomfortable.  He’s flat several times in this performance too.  The two acts hug it out.

It’s over to the judges for decision time.  Louis is of course saving MK1 because he loves them. Funsponge is saving Kye because he did the greatest sing off he’s ever seen. He took the overs because of him and he’s sorry he’s there. Nicole loves MK1 but Kye sang better as far as she’s concerned so she’s sending them home. Dermot explains the way a majority works to Tulisa and she starts by saying that MK1 remind her of NDubz and she’s connected with them for that reason. She also liked Kye’s performance. However, NDubz do The Script song on their tour and she’s got to stand up for her Urban Roots so she’s sending home Kye because MK1 are a mini NDubz in the making. OH FFS. [Tulisa's urban rootz ♥ - Steve] She’s taking it to deadlock. I’m sensing a pattern emerging here.  The public vote is sending home MK1. Tulisa is gutted. Dermot is sorry to see them go because they’re a breath of fresh air. We look at their time in the competition, from the loss of their creepy third member to making it to the live shows. Louis is asked what went wrong. He ignores the question, says he loves them and hopes they get signed. They’ve had the best time and they’re going to keep going. They’re proud of their achievement.

So that’s it for another week. Join Steve next week for a Halloween special [unfortunately I think I'm saddled with that monster - Rad] and an always eventful appearance from Robbie Williams!  We’ll see you then.