Monday, October 29, 2012

Totally Jaded

Results show: 28 October 2012

Last night!  A whole host of horrors!  But chin up, everyone, another one bites the dust and we only hae to endure enforced 'fun.' and some old hasbeen pop star before that.  SO EXCITED.

The opening VT reminds us that Jade and Christopher sucked as if it wasn't already entirely clear who they want shot of.  We also get a revisit of breath wars, so that's nice.

Dermot suitwatch?  Messy and the tie's at a scruffy angle.  He's done the jacket up again so I think my theory about that being the main problem could hold some water.  He introduces the X Factor judges as 'direct from the depths of hell' and then attempts a weird burn by adding 'Louis' dressing room' but that just implies they were all in there together so, umm?  Tulisa does her stupid arm tattooo thing and shows she's put a nicorette patch on it, and pulls the sarkiest face ever.  I'm not sure that's where patches go, and I'd have had way more respect for her if she'd come out full on smoking. In Borelow's FACE, but then it is Tulisa.

Dermot reminds us that Lucy is sick and then mumbles something that I choose to hear as 'now doing an impression of singing live, it's the X Factor finalists'.  Group song time, and this week it's 'Without You'.  Puppet George J looks entirely dead behind the eyes which makes me wonder whether they already have spoilers before they come on.  I think this is live, as Jade biffs her first few notes pretty badly and half of Union J have their mics turned off.  Ella and James get a nice pimped entrance, as do, interestingly, District 3, for those who like to read things into the group song.  It's all very bland and all the finalists look a bit fed up of being on this show already.  Is breaking them all four weeks into live shows a record?

We see recaps of last night interspersed with talky bits.  Kye lies that his poor Robbie Williams impression was the best night of his life.  Nicole's hormones declared Triple J and their creepy puppet overlord perfection. Rylan doomed himself promising to sing.  Ella was pleased with  her performance despite it not going down too well.  Christopher was patronised to within an inch of his life.  District 3 were dressed as droogs and forced to dance around their own graves but Louis pityvoices that they gave it everything.  Jahmene continued to kill us with his song and says he's feeling insecure.  As usual.  Jade's VT is all about how much SHE SCREWED UP JUST SEND HER HOME ALREADY.  James angsted his way further to becoming the new Matt Cardle and Gary loves him, which is never a good sign.

Next up a band 'described as power pop and indie rock' by no-one except their press officers, I should wager, it's Fun.. That extra full stop is because they have a stupid full stop in their name.  Also, even though I liked 'We Are Young' before it became the most done to death thing this side of Paloma Faith's John Lewis advert, Fun. is the worst band name ever known to man.  If you're going to call yourself that, you should at least have the courage of your convictions and call yourselves FUN! and use a wacky colourful font or something. [Or at least make it - Steve] The lead singer looks a bit like Mark Wahlberg if her was younger, geekier and not at all toned.  He is also hideously out of tune a lot of the time.  And another thing, Fun., don't you have any more songs to shill yet?  We all heard way too much of this one several months ago.  The drummer doesn't like cymbals either, and as a sometime percussionist, I can tell you that they are the most fun part of a drum kit, so I can only assume their name is an ironic, Gary Barlow-esque usage of the word.

Dermot asks them when they're coming on tour.  The singer thinks March or April but isn't sure.  Pop stars are really bad at selling themselves, aren't they?  After the break, two words, apparently: raw bee.  I've never even had a cooked one.

I quite want a Microsoft Surface.  That's probably wrong, isn't it?

Dermot asks Nicole who sucked last night.  She says District 3 and Jade (which is true, but is also the party line).  Gary says Kye was great and agrees with Nicole's bottom two.  Tulisa lies that she's confident about the girls in the most defeated sounding voice ever.  She says Christopher would be her choice for the bottom except that he has a strong following.  I wonder if they're trying to make people not vote for him by seemingly endorsing the Star story about him topping the votes.  He sucks and I don't want Gary to have an act win, but I would actually find it hilarious if Christopher won this thing after the whole 'credible overs' thing and him being consistently trashed by the show.  Louis thinks Union J were the best and Jade's at risk.

Dermot reminds us that Robbie used to flirt with being a bisexual but then he became a proper straight with a baby and that.  His VT says he's sold 70 million records and won 17 Brits although it's not clear of those include the ones with Take That.  Either way, it's quite impressive, I guess.  He's also the UK's best selling solo artist apparently (oh, the UK...).  I wonder where on that scale Leon Jackson falls.  Robbie (who's in a chunkier phase for those who keep tabs of his fluctuating weight) is wearing a horrible purple polo neck and black waistcoat - presumably a tribute to Louis and Gary?  He implores us to vote Rylan then straddles Louis and gives him a big hug for ages.  He has a flying support band.  He then goes and sits on a woman's lap and sings to a man, so at least he hasn't entirely forgotten his old bisexually teasing ways.  The stage gets covered with the most balls, glitter and balloons it's ever had, and yet none of these myriad distractions can hide the fact that his new single, Candy, IS THE WORST ATROCITY EVER COMMITTED ON THE X FACTOR STAGE.  And I've sat through Scott Bruton doing Yeah Yeah, Meaty Minge throwing a strop and that time they gave the Zaynwreck a solo bit. [I'm sorry, I love Robbie and I'm more than willing to admit when he's wrong but I think Candy is awesome - Helen]

Dermot asks Robbie if he's fallen out with Gary over Rylan.  Robbie says Gary's too serious over Rylan and he loves Rylan.  He also likes Ella.  Informative.

Ads.  How can we still only be halfway through?

O Fortuna plays (sans Richard/Erin paso doble-ing, yet again) as the judges and acts return.  Safe are: Ella, District 3, (Jade already looks doomed at this point), Jahmene, James, Kye, Rylan (who carts Nicole off - Nicole who is now this series best mentor in terms of success as well as its best judge, even if this week she's been a bit below par) and Christopher.  Gary pretends to be excited about this but does a really bad job of it, standing far back from him when congratulating him instead of giving him a full on hug as he did Kye.  So, sadly, we don't have a Funsponge act in the bottom two this week.  But give it another week and Kye will be back.  We can but hope.

Ads.  I bloody love Kylie's Abbey Road Sessions CD.  I know, you're so surprised.

So it's a Jade vs Union J sing-off and first up are Union J, doing 'Fuckin' Perfect'.  Resentful J is first and his vocal is a bit weak, then creepy puppet George comes in, and then all four of them with poor harmonies and then the chorus is a hot fried mess - it's as bad as their week one performance and really, really out of tune.  Just shows what happens when you remove the One Direction memorial backing vocals.  It's one of the worst sing-offs in a long time, like that matters because Jade is going home whatever she does.

And what she's doing is wearing cast-off dungarees from Charlie MK1 and singing 'White Flag' which was the song that did for Diana Vickers, and also one it's really hard to sing well, so hardly a good omen.  Given the poor source material, she actually makes a decent fist of it, and it's a stronger vocal than last night.  But as we all know, the sing-off doesn't make any difference to anything whatsoever, so she's off.  Shame, as she seemed pretty sweet.

Gary and Nicole are writing things down and apparently what was being written was 'Jade', according to some corners of the internet.  Obviously Louis and Tulisa save their own acts, and then Nicole says how much she loves Jade (who already knows) and lies that she'll get a record deal anyway but Union J have 'proven themselves' to her, whatever that means, so she's sending home Jade.  Funsponge milks this as much as he can, reminding us he was in a boyband too and lying that he's excited about what they'll do next.    He then says 'I wonder whether I want this for you more than you want it', which is the judging equivalent of saying 'it's not me, it's you', which is very charming.  Jade's best bits: being a mum, crying, being smiley at judges' houses and then having that eroded out of her during the last few weeks of live shows.  I hate to think what state the remaining contestants are going to be in the final given the misery, panic, illness and angst that's beset them so far.  Tulisa says she should have given Jade more ballids because that's always fun.

Next week!  Rita Ora and Gwen Stefani have a bleach-off!  Join Steve then...


Blake 1990 said...

Is "Meaty Minge" that Niki lady who rode her Dad's corpse to the semi finals about five year's back?

Rad said...

The very same...