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Judges’ “Houses” 2 – 30^th September 2012

Last night, we saw everyone have their turn to sing in front of the judges and something roughly approximating something that used to be Sharon Osborne.  Tonight, we have twelve people being said yes to and a similar number being told no stretched out over an hour and a bit of prime time. It’s broken Britain, ladies and gentlemen. So broken, that before we’ve even began, Carolynne is going to faint, Louis is finding it hard and Jake has realised that nothing lasts forever because it is DECISION TIME.

Funsponge wants to know who’ll buy someone’s record, the rest is just people crying and saying they will do anything.  Who is going to go? Who’s going to stay? Well, we’re about to find out, aren’t we?  I miss the days when Nigel Lithgow used to go round people’s houses.

Dermot welcomes us to the show and tells us that we’re going to be in St Lucia where Tulisa is taking her chopper *snork* to the girls. Three people are staying and three are going home. Amy’s belly is going. Jade wonders if anyone slept. They didn’t.  At this point I realise that Jade Collins and Ella are two different people. Ella wanders through the waves looking pensive because it all means so much to her and she can’t imagine being told that she’s not good enough. She’s never wanted anything more then she Fred Elliots it and says that she’s never wanted anything more again. It means everything to her. She stood out from the start for Tulisa and she’s got all it takes to be a popstar and for a singer she’s a pretty good old school movie star and seems beyond her years. HOWEVER, her nerves got to her yesterday and there are other talented girls. She’s made her decision and she’s THROUGH TO LIVE SHOWS.  Ella wonders if she’s joking. She’s not, she’s a little star. They high five.  Dermot gives her a well done and she’s feeling amazing and on top of the world.

The next two to hear the news are the Jades and Leanne. Leanne hopes that Tulisa can see how much she loves what she does. She’s understandably nervous that a decision that could change her life is in the hands of Tulisa.  Jade Ellis’ dream is for her and her daughter to have normal things. She wants a house with a garden so they can camp out at times.  Jade Collins begins to talk about not being overshadowed by her dad WHO IS IN PRISON and I remember who she is.  She can’t do it. Leanne needs to hear yes, Jade Ellis thinks it would be life changing to get through and Jade Collins doesn’t want it to be over.

So, we have - DAD IN PRISON vs I LIVE IN A FLAT vs WHO? Who can it possibly be? Tulisa thinks they’re all ready but there are only three spaces. PRISON doesn’t take it well. Tulisa likes her popstar energy. FLAT has an amazing tone and a cute kid. WHO has soul, power and is hard working and has improved, but she’s been inconsistent and is still developing. Who is it going to be?  It’s not WHO. She just says “ok” and stomps off. PRISON isn’t through either. Tulisa is very sorry. She thanks Tulisa and says it was nice to meet her. It’s a Dermhug then a speech about how gutted she is. FLAT is through because Tulisa believes in her. She’s thankful from the bottom of her heart. She’ ready 100% and they high five on it. There’s a Dermhug and she’s going to smile forever.

One place remaining! It’s Lucy and Amy. Amy is crying already. Dermot tells us that Tulisa is struggling with the decision. Two people are comforting her because it’s, like, people’s lives and stuff. Just keep them waiting longer, that’ll make you a better person. Lucy interviews that the four yeses at the audition changed her life, as did the yes at boot camp and a yes today will change her life. Amy interviews that she lives in a council house with her family which must, MUST, mark the sob story nadir, surely?  She’s not happy she’s happy because these opportunities don’t come around. Apart from now, right?  She wants to do what she loves. All Lucy wanted to do since she was ten was sing and play guitar. Amy wants to change her life. She doesn’t want to think about it when she can do it and she’ll do anything.

Its VICTORIA WOULDN’T vs COUNCIL HOUSE.  COUNCIL HOUSE tells her that this has been the best experience of her life. VICTORIA WOULDN’T thinks she could have done better. Tulisa thinks COUNCIL HOUSE’S performances are always on point and Tulisa has warmed to her. VICTORIA WOULDN’T is an ARTIST who writes her own stuff and makes raw music like the show has never seen before. She tells COUNCIL HOUSE that the talent is diverse and wants lots of different styles. She tells VICTORIA WOULDN’T that she knows she has doubts and why should she get through when there are girls that want it bad, but she’ s though anyway. She’s going to have rum punch to celebrate. This means COUNCIL HOUSE isn’t going through. Tulisa says she’s fourth. She thanks Tulisa for the opportunity and tells her she’s enjoyed herself and it’s been the best time of her life. She snots on Tulisa’s shoulder and Tulisa squeezes out a tear.  Tulisa gets all guilt stricken backstage and says that her heart wants her. She gets a slo-mo Dermhug. [See, I feel bad because Lucy is local and all so I have to be Team Lucy, but Victoria Wouldn't made me snot a little.  Sorry Lucy- Rad] [Just because she's local doesn't mean you have to like her. You've been listening to Louis for too long. - Steve]

ADVERTS! Thank GOODNESS. This episode isn’t just mawkish. It’s the full mawk.

Meanwhile, in Vegas, we’re with the group. Louis is waiting at Caesars Palace to break the news. First up its MITSOTU and New Look.  It’s the biggest day of Charley’s life so far, and it’s make or break for MITSOTU.  Charley has given all she can and she hopes she’s good enough. MITSOTU don’t want it to stop because it’s a dream come true and it will be amazing for all of them and they have to get through. 

It’s DOOMED vs 66.6! DOOMED are told that this is the hardest part because seven doesn’t go into three. 33.3 are current and they’re friends who love music. DOOMED have great dancing and style but their vocals aren’t great. Are 66.6 versatile enough for the live shows and likeable for the public? DOOMED tell Louis off for milking it and they get sent home by a crackly voiced Louis. This means 66.6 are through and Charley nearly break the other one’s leg.  It’s not the end for DOOMED and it’s the tensest moment of Charley’s life.

Next up are Poisonous Twin, Duke and GHB3. GHB3 know it’s within touching distance. *Cheap Louis Walsh joke*.  They gave it their all yesterday and today could change everything for them. They’re happy to share the experience and it will be gutting not to get through. Poisonous Twin are really nervous because nerves got to them and Duke are thankful that the X Factor has given them the opportunity to further their career and today could do it for them.

So! BIG BROTHER DREGS vs RUBBISH BOYBAND vs BEATBOXBEARS. Louis thinks the BEATBOXBEARS are unique but potentially not unique enough.  BIG BROTHER DREGS have great personalities, look like popstars and have potential but their vocals aren’t strong enough. RUBBISH BOY BAND have great harmonies and chemistry but don’t bring much different to a crowded market.  BEATBOXBEARS are going home with BIG BROTHER DREGS and RUBBISH BOY BAND are victorious with the “it’s not good news, its great news” fakeout YAWN, LOUIS. Poisonous Twin feel like their hearts have been ripped out, GHD3434 can’t believe it. Neither can I.

With one place left, Times Red and Union J await their fate. Union J have already had a no and don’t want to have one again. They would hate to blow it after being given a second chance. Someone else can make that joke. Another J doesn’t want to let his family down.  They all cry. I try to remember who Times Red are as they tell us how much they want it and how in five minutes it could all be gone.

So! 4^TH WHEEL VS WHO? Louis loved the first audition of both of them and it was a gamble to put the 4^TH WHEEL in and there’s work to be done and is there enough time? WHO? Are potentially too old and who wants an older boyband? OH I DUNNO, ABOUT A MILLION TAKE THAT FANS? Louis then uses this against 4^TH WHEEL as they are less experienced and haven’t been together as long.  Louis has thought long and hard. Again, someone else can have that. He puts through 4^TH WHEEL.  Times Red can’t believe they’re going home and will have to sit on the plane as losers. Louis milks it with Union J for all it’s worth and makes a joke about gambling.  Union J frolic and promise not to let Louis down.

Someone come and help me please? There is no need for this. This is far too long for what it is. [Pah, I am on first watch for the twenty-five hour live show so I have no sympathy - Rad]

When we come back after the adverts, we are in Dubai with Nicole and the boys. James Arthur is first up. He’s nervous because the show has never had anyone like him and he wonders if anyone actually wants him.  I’m biting my tongue here. He thinks that it would be a gamble to put him through. Yes, because angsty bedwetting white boys do SO BADLY on this programme. He doesn’t want to go back to the BEDSIT.

So! BEDSIT. Nicole wants to know how he’s feeling. He’s terrified. Nicole thinks that he’s an artist because he throws his soul around but she’s worried that the competition is not for him and if he’s strong enough for the monstrous industry. She can only take three people through and it’s not good news, but FREAKIN’ AMAZING NEWS. He’s through.  Dermot rubs his head as James said he’s complete. We see him phone his BROKEN FAMILY who are proud of him. [I'm beginning to hate him more than Jahmene.  Or at least as much as.  I'm not hate-loyal, I'll despise anyone - Rad]

Next up we have Nathan, Jahmene and Jake. Jake is worried because he was rubbish and the news ruined him.  Jake is worried because his brother is ill and that’s put everything in perspective, nothing lasts forever and it’s time for his luck to change. Hang on, Jake isn’t ill. If he loved his brother that much he’d be on the first plane home to come back to do an ABurke next year so don’t even DARE use your brother for this, you utterly repulsive eejit. You’re not even getting a vaguely funny nickname. You are VOID.  Nathan tells the camera that the competition means his whole life and he has given everything and it couldn’t be enough. His heart hurts at the importance of it all. He wonders if he can continue after all this if he gets a no. Jahmene wants some confidence so it will be devastating for him to go with nothing.

So! VOID vs FILLER vs DERREN BROWN. DERREN BROWN walks into a room with Nicole in it and compliments the decor *Harry Hill sideways glance to camera*. She wants to know how he is and he says he’s ok. Neyo says that DERREN BROWN has a unique style and Nicole agrees, but worries about his nerves and whether he’s strong enough. Nicole thinks FILLER is a strong performer but wanted more from him yesterday. VOID has grown apparently and has a nice tone but can’t find the note sometimes which makes her disconnect. She can only take three to live shows and FILLER and VOID leave. Filler has been fighting all his life and he can’t be in the position where he’s given it his all and it isn’t good enough.  DERREN BROWN will be a big risk but she’s willing to take the risk so he’s going to live shows. Nicole has stolen ALL OF THE LINES from Louis. Jahmene says he’s going off to cry. He can’t believe that Nicole believes in him when he doesn’t. She doesn’t think VOID is ready and he thanks her for the opportunity.

Finally, there’s one place left for either Adam or Rylan. Adam thinks that singing is the biggest part of his life because it’s the only thing he’s good at and it’s the only thing he’s ever wanted. This is the closest he’s been to making it. Rylan thinks he’s started out as the joker and has proven everyone wrong and his Kylie outfit showed everyone he was serious. He hasn’t got much at home and doesn’t want to be a let down again.

So! IBEEFA vs WHO2. IBEEFA cries on Nicole as soon as he walks in because he’s so thankful to be there. Nicole thinks he’s got an amazing personality and a sense of humour. However, vocals are important to her and she wasn’t expecting what she got yesterday. WHO2 has an amazing recording voice but Nicole doesn’t always connect. Nicole’s fear for IBEEFA is that there will only be one dance week and putting him through will be a massive risk. It’s NOT WHO2, its IBEEFA! Nicole apologises to Adam and fake outs Rylan so much that he ends up on the floor hyperventilating. THIS SHOW IS SO CLASSY.  Nicole hugs him whilst looking like she’s trying not to laugh. Rylan continues to hyperventilate as he can’t believe he’s actually through. Take the bloody camera off him. Dermot then actively laughs in his face as he continues to sob.

I could not be more glad of a break.

When we return we are at Funsponge Towers, otherwise known as Dullton Abbey for the Overs.  Kye feels sick and hopes to vomit over Gary. Nobody is feeling very good. Brad, Nicola and Kye are up first. Kye feels weird that Funsponge is in charge of his life after he hit a bum note yesterday. It means everything to him and this could change his life.  Nicola’s had enough of being a tribute artist and wonders if she’s good enough as herself. Funsponge could be the one to make her believe in herself. Brad has finally got the confidence to enter and really wants to get through and not let his family down.

So! Its DICK VAN KYE vs NEIGHBOURS REJECT vs KATS LATER. Funsponge feels that DICK VAN DYKE has been good on stage every time. It’s tricky because he’s a good guy but it’s not the X Best friend. Funsponge couldn’t take his eyes of KATS LATER and NEIGHBOURS REJECT has a gravelly tone to his voice but Funsponge doesn’t know his audience. DICK VAN DYKE has been waiting for someone to believe in him and Funsponge wants to make absolutely sure KATS LATER knows she’s had a fair crack of the whip because she TOTALLY HAS. Funsponge thinks that NEIGHBOURS REJECT has delivered every time and should be a performer. Back with DICK VAN KYE, Funsponge has got to be confident that he will deliver every Saturday night. Who will it be? It hasn’t been easy but it’s not KATS LATER. She stomps off. He’s dreading delivering the news to DICK VAN KYE and he knows how NEIGHBOURS REJECT is feeling, but he’s not though. He’s gutted. COR BLIMEY GUVNOR IT’S DICK VAN KYE who Funsponge totally believes in. Things like this don’t happen to him.

Carolynne wanders through the gardens and ponders on how she bared her soul to everyone and doesn’t want to be in the position she was last year when she started her YEAR OF HORROR. She built up the confidence to come back and doesn’t want to be told no after getting rejected last year. Funsponge could either make her world or rip her heart out. Which will it be?

So! D.I.V.F is alone. She starts crying before she’s even sat down which Funsponge remarks on. She says that her time on the show has been good and bad. Funsponge probes her on the bad because that’s the kind of person he is. She’s been battling with the demons of last year. She also knows she could have done better on her performances but she battles with her nerves. Funsponge adds “Twang of Country” to the X Factor drinking game and says it’s something that the show has never seen before and it’s a brilliant thing. Her fear of failure terrifies him, because she’s got to believe in herself because the pressure is fiftyfold in the live shows. He’s worried she’s not strong enough. It would be awful for D.I.V.F to leave the competition at judges’ houses two years in a row, but she’s not because she’s through. She asks if she can hug him and does enthusiastically before snotting all over his top. He says he’s going to send her the bill. I’m not sure he’s joking. She thanks him and he congratulates her.  Funsponge is pleased with himself as she goes in for the Dermhug and muses on her happy ending.

MOAR ADVERTS. We’re nearly there though, yay!

Dermot and Funsponge have a moment where they talk about how hard it is because the overs are totally over the hill and this is totally life ruining for them. He still hasn’t made his mind up.

SO! Finally! It’s the DUBIOUS ORANGE and MANIC PIXIE MUM. DUBIOUS ORANGE has a chance to change his life and doesn’t want to upset his NAN with a no. He’s given it his all. MANIC PIXIE MUM thinks the X Factor has been the best experience ever. With every round she’s realised how much it means. It’s her last opportunity because she doesn’t want to be away from her children but also doesn’t want to let them down.  Funsponge doesn’t think that the DUBIOUS ORANGE had a good day yesterday and doesn’t need reminding that everyone loves him. He made everyone cry. MANIC PIXIE MUM hits and feels the notes everyone dreams of. HOWEVER.  Funsponge is wary of DUBOUS ORANGE’S nerves. He promises to work hard but Funsponge presses that that’s not the point. He then decides to try to pull apart MANIC PIXIE MUM by asking her why she hasn’t made it yet. She says that she’s always tried but it hasn’t worked out. He’s not going to gamble on her and he can only take three through. It’s his hardest decision but he’s going for the safe bet. DUBIOUS ORANGE is hysterical at this point, but he’s still told he’s not through. OH WELL. Final place goes to MANIC PIXIE MUM who makes him repeat it. Funsponge wants to know what her kids will think. She can’t wait to tell them. Dermhug, obligatory kids mention, airport shot of the kids.

Well, thank goodness. Dermot sums up, but tells us that there’s a twist. There will be one wild card. Each judge has to put forward one act and the public will vote to put them through. Tulisa is putting up Amy, Funsponge- Christopher, Nicole - Adam and Louis is putting up Triple J.  They give reasons but they basically are all self justification for not putting them through in the first place.

So, are we getting the one shot look at the makeovers? This is my favourite bit. Nope, it’s a music video. Pants. Anyway –

Ella – OH DEAR GOD THE MOUTH! Imelda NAY

Jade ELLIS – If the other one from Misteeq came from the future

Kye – Eyeliner

GMB3 – Three Direction

Union J – Four Direction

Rylan – all of Take That post 94 makeover

Jahmene – Olly MIRTH

Carollyne – Shania Wayne

Lucy -  Bex BB9

Melanie – Janis PLOPLIN

James – Plan C

MK1 – Rhyme man and the Witch

Join Rad next week to find out how the first week of live shows goes! I’m off to wash the stink of mawk off me.