Cry, the not-especially-beloved country

Results show 1: 7 October 2012

Last night!  A load of old toot!  Tonight!  Leona is back!  As is Neil!  And Louis and Nicole are teaming up to knock Funsponge out.  Hurrah!

Dermot suitwatch: navy and ill-fitting (like duh).

He tells us that Leona will be here, as will Neil.  And as a special treat for reader Stuck in a Book, Neil has agreed to join me on the blog this week. [Why do you keep calling me Neil? – Neil]

Time to welcome back the judges? Gary [Who? – Neil], in a nasty suit that sits somewhere on the borderline between tweed and tartan, Louis [Who? - Neil] in black with a poloneck like the ones Simon used to wear, Tulisa [Who?  Oh, right, that one with the sex tape– Neil] in a bright pink dress with cleavage bursting out of the top and Nicole in a strange gold dress [Seriously, Nicole is the only famous guest judge on your show?  We have Britney Spears and Simon Cowell in the States and nobody even watches our version – Neil].

The contestants’ song is next – ‘Read All About It’ - and judging by the bum notes James, Jahmene and one of the Js provide, they’re probably not miming.  Other points of note: Charley from Peacocks has straightened her curly fringe, Union-J, James and Ella are the only ones to get two lines and Rylan truly is a giant. [Where was that Emily Sunday lady from the Olympics?  I thought she was the only singer your country had, and wasn’t it supposed to be an Olympic themed show anyway? – Neil].

Recap of last night, which lasts almost as long as the show itself did, and seeing as I’ve just finished typing that up, I’m certainly not doing it again. [This shit is what you Brits think passes for ‘urban’ and country? Are you fucking kidding me? – Neil]

Leona Lewis is next.  About the most interesting thing they have to say is that she has the fastest selling debut album of all time, which was rather surprising.  I like Leona fine but interesting isn’t her default setting.  She’s wearing a strange purple dress that looks like one you’d find in a harem of some sort and she has her hair scraped back unattractively.  Her new single is a bit of a dirge too, but it refers to bleeding a lot.  The woman’s obsessed.  There’s also a bit in it that sounds like ‘Silence’ by Delirium and another bit that sounds like ‘You Keep Me (Hanging On)’.  It’s not half as good as a mash-up of those two tracks should be though.  Sorry, Leona.  Dermot says when she was a guest judge in London she said yes to everyone.  Bless you Leona, you’re too nice for this nonsense.  Dermot reminds us there are five minutes left to vote and that Neil will be here after the break [About time.  Does that mean I’m free to go soon? – Neil]

Ads.

Dermot welcomes us back and says there were 800,000 tweets last night – although not sure by what measure – the #xfactor hashtag?  Searching for all the contestants?  Or for all tweets that said ‘Worraload of old shit’?  What parameters were you using, show?  Inquiring research-oriented minds want to know.  He mentions balls again and Nicole says he must have big ones.  Stop degrading yourselves and all of us, you two.  Louis says it’s Simon’s birthday today, which presumably is the reason for the outfit (thank goodness it’s not a V-neck top with chest hair then) and snarks about him having Botox - like you’re one to talk, Walsh.  To be fair, Dermot points that out to him, which is about the most fun Dermot has ever been.

Neil time!  He’s sold 23 million singles and 8 million albums [Take that One Direction!  And probably Take That as well – Neil] but none of them have been any good and all of them have been brilliant.

He’s wearing a baseball cap with his name on it, only they’ve spelled it Ne-Yo [But that’s my… - Neil] Shut up Neil.  He can’t enunciate for toffee [Disgruntled mumble – Neil] [Nothing wrong with mumble mumble mumble – Leon Jackson].  Well that was [amazing – Neil].  Dermot implores us to give it up for Neil and he asks if Neil (whose eyes can’t be seen) if he’s amazed with the boys.  [Of course.  Buy my new album.  It’s out November 5^th and called Mumble Mumble Mumble.  Can I go now? – Neil]

And that’s it from Neil!  Thanks Neil!

Ad time.  The ads tonight all seem to be exactly the same as the ones yesterday.

O Fortuna welcomes back the judges and acts.  Louis is holding Charley’s hand.  Is he straight again this week?

Returning next week: Kye, James, Alabama 3 (which is a huge surprise, so well done them – wonder if they’ll suddenly become the favoured boy band now - guess we'll know which one did better in the vote by how the show treats them next week), Ella, Lucy (who Jahmene lifts up in the air – unlikely friendship, that one), Dorothy Perkins, Melanie, Jahmene, Jade (who is utterly shocked), JJ72 (Louis is delighted to have three safe acts, and Funsponge is guaranteed one bottom-two act.  HA!) and nervous Christopher.  So it’s a Rylan vs Carolynne bottom two, which I can’t imagine was the producers’ desired outcome.

Ads.  Free Mars bars you say?  Oh, go on then.

Rylan is up first and it will be a LONG series if he goes tonight, although I suspect he won’t as Carolynne, whilst ostensibly more talented, is much more bland and surely much more dispensable.  His version of ‘One Night Only’ (disco edition) is a bit shaky at first but improves on the bigger notes – which is kind of the opposite of how these things usually go.  Nicole dances away like the fag hag par excellence she is.  It’s all a bit subdued though.  Johnny or Kitty would have loved that and milked it for all it was worth.

Gary is ‘devastated’ to be introducing Carolynne.  The nation simply shrugs.  She does country-lite classic ‘There You’ll Be’ and her voice is good, as ever, but give it up love.  No1Curr.  Rylan, bless him, does a supportive arm-waving-in-the-air from the side.  The audience cheer for Rylan, obviously.

Nicole says ‘Caroline’ is a beautiful and effortless singer but is obviously saving Rylan.  Funsponge says Carolynne’s performance was brilliant and then tries to burn Rylan in a way I don’t fully understand but is to do with the microphone.  Rylan tries to respond.  Tulisa loves both of them and ‘it hurts’ her to say it, but she sends home Rylan.  Louis says he loves Carolynne and she sang her heart out and Rylan is the entertaining one.  Dermot presses him for a decision.  Funsponge says ‘it’s easy.  It’s not entertainment’.  Of course not, entertainment would be perilously close to ‘fun’.  Nicole reminds Louis it’s ‘The X Factor’.  Louis keeps saying that it’s difficult even though we’re all expecting him to keep the Louis act in.  There’s a weird bit where he has to look at his notes (and await producer instructions in his earpiece?)  Ever the drama lover, he milks it for as long as he can.  Eventually, crying, he says he’s keeping Carolynne and then Dermot ignores him and talks all over him and says ‘who are you sending home, Louis?’  Louis then flusters and then says both names and can’t remember who he’s supposed to save and who he’s supposed to send home so he eventually shouts that he’s sending it to deadlock.

I’d go for Rylan any day, but that was so transparently producer-engineered to keep Rylan it wasn’t even funny.  Although, actually, it kind of was funny.  Carolynne goes home on deadlock and Funsponge storms off.  Hopefully for ever.  (Although Twitter pointed out that there was a spotlight just ready for such a moment).  I don't at all want Sharon Osbourne back, by the way, but his storming off reminded me of her hissy fits, and I would gladly welcome her presence in the audience solely to tip a glass of water over him each week from now on - with Rylan probably not long for this show, we'll need something to keep us amused in the bitter winter of boring that is to come.

Next week: Taylor Swift, and some goose-sounding bird they’re still trying to hawk.  HONK!  Join us next week for that magnificent spectacle!