Bad Week Week

Live Shows Week 3 – 20^th October 2012

Hello! Welcome to the third week of live shows. Hopefully by the next time I have to do this it won’t be so much of a marathon. I have two hours of recapping ahead of me today. Can I do this? Well, I have the memory of my Nans to help me through. I need something, for this is Club Classics week and unfortunately, neither of those things mean biscuit.

We begin with a recap of last week and the giant words say THE BATTLE CONTINUES. We see Louis and Funsponge squabble and all the emotional and screechy bits from last week. Tonight, we are promised all the acts. Do we really need to see who we are going to see? If we don’t know by now... It’s made better by Gary telling Dick Van Kye he’s awful though. James has a bad week! Lucy and Rylan get chucked out of their hotel! GIANT X.

We come back to the theme from S-Express and Dermot doing some TERRIBLE dancing in an ill fitting suit. Talk about Déjà Vu. He’s surrounded by dancing girls. The shot then goes long and it’s painfully obvious he’s been replaced by a proper dancer with a sense of shame that’s been pre-recorded. When we come back he pretends to be out of breath. His suit seems to be blue and he’s wearing it with a brown tie. I've already mentioned it's ill-fitting, but it bears repeating. He reminds us that we’re live and we’re seeing eleven people sing tonight. He also tries to tell us that Club Classics night is always fun. I’ll be the judge of that, thank you. Speaking of judging, it’s the judges! Dermot says they've spent the afternoon getting ready to club each other. You do a bad link Dermot, I do a bad one. That’s how it works.

The judges are introduced and come out to Dead or Alive.  Our Louis is resplendent in a smoking jacket and a maroon polo neck. The jacket is cut in such a way he looks like one of Mulligan and O’Hare but we’ll gloss over that. Tulisa has come as a sexy mermaid in a green stripper costume. She doesn’t do her signal. You can tell it hurts her. The twitters were alight with what Nicole Shergar had come as, in her pink lampshade dress, horsetail hairdo and springy gold jewellery. I went with the Diva from The Fifth Element. Finally, Funsponge, in a bid to make himself interesting, has worn a suit of two different types of tartan. NO.

Dermot tells us that the judges are walking. No, he really does. Dermot also tells us that their faces are set in grim determination and reminds us that it’s a big night for them and the acts. He wants to know how they’re feeling.  He starts with Funsponge and asks him what he thinks has happened to his Midas touch after losing two acts in two weeks. (HA!) He says it’s a shame for him and a shame for the competition as the competition has lost two good singers. I bet he’s more worried about the former though. Dermot wonders why this is.  Funsponge doesn’t know as both of his acts were better in the sing offs and even though Carolynne sang against Rylan the judges still couldn’t make their minds up who was better and that doesn’t say much for the judging panel. LEAVE LOUIS ALONE. Dermot doesn’t acknowledge this and moves on to Nicole, stating that maybe the theme will favour some of her acts more than others. She pretends not to understand, actually says “Exsqueeze me” and forces Dermot to explain that it might possibly be Rylan’s week. She agrees with this and he moves on to Tulisa, who apparently “lives in clubs” so this week must be the easiest week for her and her girls. She says she’s excited. I don’t know how Tulisa being good at something makes her acts good at it, but saying that, at least two of her girls will also be terrible at blow jo..[REDACTED]. Finally, Our Louis who gets by far the biggest cheer of all the judges. Louis loves Dermot’s dancing. Dermot asks Louis if now that he’s urban he is excited for the theme this week. Our Louis rightly reminds Dermot that Dance Music has been around far longer than him and it’s all much of a muchness so he should just shut his big stupid face. I’m paraphrasing, but you get the gist.  Louis makes a dig about Tulisa and the acts falling out of clubs.  Tulisa reminds Louis that she “Struts” out. Louis laughs at her. Why can’t the two good judges sit together please?

Dermot urges us to vote and gives us the numbers. I notice on the repeat viewing that the numbers give us the running order.  Hmm. [I rather like that. Makes it much easier to plan one's loo breaks. - Steve]

First up is Funsponge, who having lost two acts in two weeks is tense and worried. OH GOOD.  If that wasn’t bad enough, he’s off out with Rylan tonight. OH LOL CASUAL HOMOPHOBIA. It’s Christopher Maloney! What strikes me the most about his VT is not how orange he is, but how disingenuous his smile is.  Christopher thinks that the song he’s been given will give him a chance to strut his stuff.  Funsponge wonders if he has a plan. Christopher’s plan is to dance but he’s got two left feet. Funsponge can sympathise. To illustrate this, we see NotLouis and a dancer who deserves his own show try not to kill him as they try to teach him some moves.  Christopher confesses to not being a trained dancer. WELL BLOW ME OVER.  NotLouis has to resort to physically moving him into the right position. Christopher is THIRTY FOUR and he dances like his dad down the pub. Oh god, U SO OLD. Gary then claims to have taught Usain Bolt his moves and the entire nation shouts BOKAY THEN. Christopher pretends to laugh. Christopher is nervous because there’s lots to think about when he’s dancing and singing. He’s never been called upon to do more than sway a bit and this seems a bit more full on. Funsponge tells him that he thought he would have to cut the dancing, but he’s not. [If he's thirty four I'm sixteen - Rad]

Christopher is singing Waiting for a Star to Fall. He’s standing on a Perspex box, but this one is ROUND. He’s wearing a Johnny Robinson cast off suit. I don’t need to tell you it’s awful. It is a cruiseship made of CHEESE and the tears of Sami Brookes. The only good part of the whole thing is Louis’ little smile as he makes the notes he’s going to use to pwn everyone else on the panel. [I am so ENRAGED.  I bloody love this song so so much and he massacred it.  Also: not a club classic.  There were those two dance mixes of it the other year but neither used the full song.  Stupid X Factor - Rad]

Nicole goes in for the kill first. She calls Christopher her love and ponders aloud who doesn’t love a warm cheese toastie. STOP MAKING ME LIKE YOU NICOLE, I NEVER WANTED TO AND NOW I DO.  She’s finding it hard to criticise him because he works hard and he’s loveable, and she’ll get used to the sparkle.  OH YOU QUEEN OF THE BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT. She’s basically just called him Special.  She’s going to embrace his sparkle, like the very special unicorn that he is. YAWN. Here comes Louis. He knew Christopher would struggle this week (BURN!) but he likes the song Gary has picked for him.  Louis remembers buying that record in 1988 before Tulisa was born (SCORCH!). It’s cheesy and fun (OOH) and it reminds him of school discos (THIRD DEGREE BURNS) and a TV Programme called ‘Seaside Special’ (CREMATED).

Let’s just take a moment to absorb the beauty of that segment, shall we?

Tulisa is going to be 100% honest now even though he won’t like it.  She’s given him a couple of weeks to bed in and she ‘officially’ doesn’t get it.  That’s it Christopher, go home immediately! It’s too cheesy for her. She doesn’t understand how Funsponge can call Rylan cheesy when Rylan is a mere Babybel and Christopher is full stilton. Funsponge hits back that Christopher can sing.  Tulisa retaliates by saying that Rylan is fun and she doesn’t have fun when Christopher sings.  Funsponge then reminds everyone that Christopher is the public vote and he hasn’t let his public or Liverpool down yet. Oh, now we know you’re scrabbling, Funsponge. He got in because he was shakey and he has a Nan. That’s it.

Dermot asks Christopher if he thinks he’s cheesy. Christopher says that he enjoys his performances and he takes on board the comments but he’s going to ignore them because he’s working his socks off to make himself better. Dermot urges us to vote for him.  Coming up after the break, MK1 and Jahmene doing gospel. Dermot then says “testify”. OH DEAR LORD.  Adverts!

We return and Dermot is in the audience trying to tell us that the audience in the studio is Hardcore, whilst hugging an old lady with Jahmene’s face on her t-shirt.  It’s over to ‘Uncle’ Louis for the groups. He introduces Charley and Sim from MK1. Charley says that they felt love and heartbreak last week because they loved the song but they were heartbroken because they’re not a pop act. This was illustrated by the judges saying they were clearly out of their comfort zone. We pretend that they were in danger last week even though the names are called in no particular order. Sim says that it was really hard to see their friends in the bottom two. Charley says that people don’t realise how close the acts become backstage and they’re like a little family.  Last week proved to them that nobody is safe. Sim repeats this almost word for word. They have a chat with Louis and explain their dilemma. Do something underground and alienate the X Factor Audience. Do something overground (that’s the term they used) and they’re not urban any more. Louis interviews that there’s never been an act like them on the show and they need to stick to what makes them different.  Their compromise is to mash up an old song and a new song like they did in the first week because that worked for them. Louis agrees and says that he doesn’t want them to compromise. Even NotLouis likes them in rehearsals because it’s gritty. Sim thinks that Club Classics should be about having fun and he can’t wait to do this one.

They begin with Gypsy Woman (La Da Dee) and it’s really, really good. I’m sorry, that may get me fired again, but I don’t care. It’s got a rap in it. It doesn’t even annoy me that much that Charley is wearing a bobble hat. What does annoy me is that it turns into Pass Out by Tiny Tempers and it’s completely unnecessary. I would have much rather have heard more of Gypsy Woman if I’m honest. The crowd love it.

Tulisa seems to agree with me in that she loved the first half of that performance because it was a good song choice and the vocals were on point but the whole thing should’ve been Gypsy Woman. She goes on to say that rappers doing other people’s raps is a pet hate of hers and Sim should’ve just done his own rap instead of copying the Tiny Tempers.  It comes from a place of love though, apparently. Funsponge agrees, the first half was exceptional and the second half was just an impersonation. They should believe more in their song choices and see it through to the end and that there’s no need for a mashup. Nicole doesn’t understand what all the smack talk is about because she thought it was “Shamazing”. I don’t know what that is but I love it. It’s club classics week and that song made her want to dance. She loved the vocals and the mix of old and new and the fact that they are Musketeers and she wants to buy their album now finally because they are true to themselves. They brought the energy and the fun. I LOVE THIS WOMAN. Finally, Uncle Louis tells us that this week he allowed MK1 to pick their own songs after a midweek change and it was a good idea because it was their best performance yet and he would quite like his hat back. OH LOUIS.

Dermot asks Nicole what Shamazing means. She says it means shamazing and its two words. Lovely. Secondly he points out that the judges loved the first half of the performance and the second half not so much.  Sim responds that this week was all about getting their edge back and Pass Out is such a classic tune they thought that it would do that. It didn’t.

Boys turn now, and Dermot hands us over to someone who looks good on the dancefloor, it’s our lovely Nicole with Jahmene Douglas and his emotional week.  Jahmene interviews that before he was on the show he didn’t know that the newspapers could write anything about you and that last weekend there was lots about him and his family in them. Apparently his father isn’t a very nice man and he thought that he just wouldn’t tell anyone. I feel a bit sorry for him at this point as he is clearly a bit too naive for all of this.  He’s glad the story has come out because he hopes that this will make people realise why he is how he is and why he does that annoying little laugh all the time. It’s because the only way he can cope is to keep smiling because it stops him crying. He wants to be a musician because music helps him through his struggles. He remembers listening to Whitney Houston and that being his sanctuary. He’s also doing it for his Mam because he wants to make her proud because of all she’s been though and he wants to put a smile on her face. His mum is wheeled out to tell him that she’s proud.  Nicole helps him through all this by doing her feeling things face whilst wearing a floppy hat and asking him if he’s had a tough week. Jahmene is just glad that he’s not carrying the burden by himself any more.  She thinks his song is an excellent message to come out with this week as it’s got such an empowering message and she hopes his dark past will help others come to terms with theirs and she’s genuinely there for him. I feel a bit sad that he clearly doesn’t want to talk about it and he’s being forced to but there you go, that’s this show. They hug it out.  He hopes that people take strength from his performance in that you can still do well no matter what you’ve been through, you can still find happiness and nobody can take that away.

He’s doing “Say A Little Prayer” dressed as Marcus Collins. In true NotLouis style he’s on some random stairs that are just in the middle of the stage for no reason. He’s singing in his usual fashion, which is adding in lots of extra notes which I’m not sure are all audible to the human ear whilst pulling some of the most ungodly faces that ever existed and which leave me in no doubt as to what his special grown up time faces look like.  He is surrounded by dancing girls and is the world’s most uncomfortable man.

Our Louis begins by telling us what we’ve just seen, which is the little man with the big soul voice. He’s amazed by his soul and potential every week. He reminds him of a little Ray Charles and even though it’s hard to sing Aretha he was amazing. Tulisa can only ever say how amazing it is and because she’s a manipulative, soulless beast she pokes him until he cries by spouting some utter shit about how she feels that his whole life has been building up to this moment and he’s supposed to be on that stage. It works and his bottom lip goes. Funsponge congratulates him on a stunning performance but even though he’s had his life dragged through the papers this week he’s going to slag him off a bit by telling him he shouldn’t move onstage. Which is more than a bit rich.  Louis calls him out on this by saying that Jahmene is world class and Tulisa just gets enraged. Nicole doesn’t get involved and tells him that the only thing that’s real is real talent. In your FACE, SINGLE MOTHER GOOSE. HE’s only 22 and has been through so much and has courage and massive balls. She loves him and he’s there for a great purpose.

Dermot acknowledges that Jahmene is a private guy but decides to poke him a bit anyway about the stories in the papers and asks him if he would like to say anything. He physically can’t get out any more than a thank you and stands there crying as Dermot reads out his number. STAY CLASSY, X FACTOR. He runs off stage at the first opportunity and it is the adverts again.

When we return, Dermot is at the judge’s desk and introduces Tulisa and the girls by saying that Tulisa must be happy not to have to wait to go clubbing. When was the last time you were in a club, Dermot? Anyway, it’s Jade who has apparently had a nightmare week. What’s happened? Family secrets torn apart? The whole world now know that your father abused you and your mother?

No. Jade has a sore throat.  Tulisa announces this as the Worst Week Ever.  We see Jade in Vocal Training and the vocal coach is sending her off to a doctor. This makes Jade cry until the vocal coach gives her a hug. Jade interviews that she hopes it’s not too serious and not irreversible. If it is irreversible it will mean the end of the competition for her.  A doctor shoves a camera down her nose and tells her that her vocal chords have taken quite a battering. She should deffo ask Tulisa about that. The doctor tells her to rest her voice. NotLouis has just heard that she’s on 48 hours vocal rest and he’s frightened and everyone is worried about whether she can sing or not. Jade has an iPad to write on though, and puts across the message that she can do it. [Would've been much funnier with a Speak and Spell. - Steve] Tulisa is seriously worried that she can’t practice her song but she’s a fighter. Oh I can’t take the tension.

She’s pretending to be a model and is singing a bit of a dubsteppy version of “Free”, wearing a pink jumpsuit that’s got one of those crotches that fall at the knees. She isn’t very good. Not in a sore throat way, just completely out of time and a lot boring. Even when the dancers get the glitter out it still isn’t interesting.

Funsponge didn’t know that she had had all the trouble and wants to know where in the healing process her voice is. Jade confesses that it hasn’t healed at all.  He thinks the performance was safe and she covered her bad voice quite well. Nicole begins then asks if it’s her. She continues as it is and says that she looks like a million bucks and the set design is good but she didn’t really own it and didn’t believe in the lyrics and didn’t work work work the stage. She’s exactly right. NotLouis set it all up for her and she didn’t take it. She also needs to lift her vocals and Funsponge has a pop at her for saying that. Louis thinks she looks every inch the popstar but she didn’t sing like one. He knows she’s had a bad week but there was no energy or passion, which is exactly what was missing. He’s worried about her and thinks she needs to give more. Tulisa thinks that she did the best she could with the voice that she had, completely missing the point. Tulisa understands that Jade’s confidence is knocked and it took a lot for her to get on stage. If this is the line that they were going to take they should not have put her on straight after Jahmene.

Dermot also misses the point and tries to go all knight in shining armour on Jade’s behalf asking Louis what part of the medical diagnosis he doesn’t understand. I’m so bored of this now. Louis rightly says she could have given more energy. She’s not allowed to talk, sadly.

MOAR ADVERTS.

I don’t want the X Factor App, please. I’d much rather go back to Nicole, and seeing as this is Bad Week Week, James has also had a Bad Week. James had a panic attack last Saturday night which someone helpfully filmed. He says he felt funny building up to the performance and after the show he was dazed and confused and couldn’t feel his arms. They called an ambulance for him and the ambulance man calmed him down and brought him back to the room. Nicole puts her feeling things face on again and wants to know what happened. James said he went green after his performance and someone noticed he wasn’t right and he describes a full blown panic attack. Nicole’s advice is that he doesn’t have to go deeper in his performances anymore and now he needs to look after himself. What a better week to do that in than club classics week! Everyone is behind him. James tells us that he’s picked a fun song and it’s a rare bit of light heartedness from him. He’s going to focus on the sexy dancers.  Nicole then tells him that she’s covered in baby oil and he tells her to stop because of his heart problems. Way to go, X Factor! Tell people suffering from Anxiety that they have heart problems! That’s going to help! This show is the actual worst this week. The depths they are plumbing to try and make the headlines is disgusting me. [This show can fuck the fuck off.  I'm feeling actively sorry for the contestants this year.  Just send them to a boring premiere already - Rad]

James is shaking it up by standing still and hammering at an acoustic guitar whilst being surrounded by dancing girls.  It takes me a while to identify the song. It’s LMFAO’s Sexy and I Know It. This is James’ light-hearted side everyone! Singing a shit song in his usual style. GAAAAAAAAAH. [I actually quite liked this. I thought it was quite a good way of embracing the ridiculousness of the theme week by just picking the most unsuitable song imaginable and Live Lounging it. Don't worry, I'll see myself out. - Steve]

The judges lap it up though. Nicole and Funsponge are on their feet. Our Louis congratulates him on his interpretation of an LMFO song. Bless. He says the song shouldn’t have suited him, but it did. That’s why it’s funny! Do you see?! This is just like having a joke explained to you again and again and again until you want to hit stuff! Someone help me! Louis reiterates that he’s had a bad week but he still got up and sang. He’s what the show is all about. Someone with talent who’s going to get a recording deal and he deserves it. Tulisa thought it was an amazing rendition and was glad he replaced his usual tortured soul voice with a fun one. He didn’t, Tulisa. He used his tortured voice on a fun song. IT’S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT THING. Funsponge says amazing three times because he took a fun song and made it dull. That’s not me being facetious, that’s actually what he said in not so many words.  He declares it the performance of the series.  This pleases Nicole who declares that James has passion in his pants. He’s a revelation with swag and he took a song and made it bluesy.

Dermot puts in his tuppence, saying that James has smiled for the first time. James wonders how he couldn’t smile with that feedback. I dunno, perhaps it’s the terrible teeth? He then tells Nicole off for putting the sexy girls around him when he has high blood pressure. Since when? Is this another medical fact that this show has made up? Like how having a sore throat can make you so dull that Funsponge thinks you’re interesting? I GIVE UP. Nicole says that he told her to focus on them. Dermot wants to know what James thinks of the performance of the series tag. He thanks Funsponge for it. Number and gone.

Sixth act of the night, and we’re on to Union J. HALFWAY BITCHES. Union J interview that last Saturday was amazing and they enjoyed hearing the screaming of the crowd. They haven’t had a bad week so we see lots of their performance from the previous episode. Their filler is Louis asking them which one gets the most girls. It’s Josh or George apparently. George knows this. They’re so happy with the support they’re getting that they take a trip to Top Shop with a view to getting mauled by loads of girls. They get lots of notes saying that girls love them and everything. Louis thinks that they have a lot of potential but they’re not there yet and he doesn’t want the female attention taking their focus away. *Snigger* I don’t think that’s going to be an issue to be honest. Louis sits them all down and tells them not to let the girls distract them, which is more than a little sinister if I’m honest. One of them says that  they can’t let their guard down as they don’t want to slip then go home. They don’t want to let anyone down. Bless.

Union J are singing When Love Takes Over. They all have directional hair now. They are pretending some boxes on the stage are stools and you just know that they’re going to stand up when the beat kicks in. Oh! There it is! It’s typical boy band fodder. Easy harmonies and a key change that’s accompanied by fireworks. Nothing original but nothing amazing either.

Tulisa is so happy that she saw their potential as they are improving each week. She mentions the female fans again. This is starting to feel a bit propaganda-y. Funsponge can feel the birth of a boy band in the room and wants more harmonies. Nicole would like some more energy and agrees with Funsponge that the harmonies could be more impressive. Louis thinks their hard work is paying off and everything is coming together and the other judges should just lay off, ok?

Dermot does his voice of the people shtick again and he really should just give it up. He asks Funsponge and Nicole whether it’s fair to ask them to do more harmonies after only three weeks. Can someone please point out that three of them have been in a band together for significantly longer now please? No? Ok. Funsponge says that they just need to sing together. Dermot wants to know what they make of the comments. They know they’ve got a lot to work on. Dermot tells them their hair is nice. VOTE FOR HETROSEXUAL UNION J! THEY LOVE LADIES!

The sweet, sweet relief of the advertising break...

Dermot reminds us all that it’s Club Classics night and there are FIVE MORE ACTS before they’re all going round to Louis’. It’s the boys again, and Dermot makes a dig about Nicole eating a Pork Scratching the other week and she just sweeps it off by asking who doesn’t like a pork scratching? It’s her own club classic, it’s Rylan!  We’re reminded of Rylan’s superawesome performance last week. He says it was unreal and he couldn’t believe it when Dermot called his name. He says it was overwhelming that he got through and is pleased that people voted for him and he knows he’s not everyone’s cup of tea but being voted for makes him feel accepted as he wasn’t the best looking kid growing up. It’s at this point Rylan comes out as a ginger. He says he was bullied and didn’t fit in and I genuinely warm to him. I also admire that he  hasn’t felt the need to milk this too much.  He likes to look as good as he can because of the insecurity that the bullying has left him with. I can’t believe this is the same show that made Jahmene cry on live television. We’re getting a bit of back-story on Rylan that’s not just there for the sake of it, it actually explains him a bit and makes us care. We see him getting his beard shaved off. The hairdresser does it gradually for him and Lucy is there holding his hand. It’s a very sweet segment. He does it in the end though and Rylan announces the birth of the new him.

Rylan is singing ALL THE SONGS again. He begins with that Jennifer Lopez Lambada one. He’s wearing a wonderful outfit that’s a bit like a white tuxedo with bits cut out of it. The song runs into Please Don’t Stop The Music. It’s good fun, and just when it starts to get boring he apologises for his behaviour and goes into the ass shaking song [I See You Baby, I think?  Groove Armada anyway - Rad]. He gets the crowd involved at least. He isn’t the best singer, but it’s not a beige performance by any means.

Louis calls the performance ‘A great Brian Friedman performance featuring you’ which makes me laugh until I fall off my chair. The  camera cuts to the man himself wearing A CLOAK. [NotLouis I love you more than words can say - Rad] Louis thinks that he’s not the best singer but he’s definitely the best entertainer and unlike some of the others he came out and was entertaining.  Louis doesn’t want to lose him in the competition. Tulisa then asks Funsponge if he wouldn’t like a little bite of the Babybel. He doesn’t. Even though his vocals weren’t all that she was still entertained and she would like to see it again. Funsponge’s problem with Rylan is that for every week he is there a talented singer isn’t and this should have been his week but it wasn’t.  He was the worst. Nicole interrupts and tells the bore that it is his week because he was the only one that has danced so far on Club Classics week. Nicole loves the new look and gives him two words – Bourgeois [I thought it was Gor-geois? - Rad] [It was - that was the phrase NotLouis coined for him the other week. - Steve]. She turns to Funsponge and says that she knows he doesn’t have the X Factor, he has the X, Y and Z factor whilst clicking in his face.

Dermot hops in, and suggests to Funsponge that  Club Classics week might actually be about dancing. He replies with “Two words – O-ver” and smugs so much that it steams up the inside of my television. Nicole then shouts two sets of two words at Funsponge which are “bo-ring” and “Old Fart”. Heh. They shout over Rylan’s right to reply which is basically that he knows he’s not the best singer but he doesn’t really care and gives NotLouis a shout out and a thank you. NotLouis makes heart hands whilst wearing his cape.  Rylan looks a bit defeated as he walks off. [But but but then they said he was going?  Presumably to the stinky Merkan X Factor that no-one cares about.  I feel like clinging to the trail of his cape and begging him to stay.  We NEEEEEEEED you NotLouis! - Rad]

We’re back with the girls and it’s the turn of Lucy Spraggan. She had her Bad Week last week after losing her grandmother and had to spend the week putting an effort into keeping a smile on her face. When she heard she got through she was so relieved that she went on a night out with Rylan that looks like it was probably the funnest night that ever existed in the history of nights out.  Lucy says that she sang a song about being drunk so they should’ve been expecting it. They had so much fun that she and Rylan got thrown out of the hotel. She’s sorry if she’s upset everyone. She’s not let getting drunk affect her work though and she’s even written some parts of this song. We see NotLouis telling her off for being naughty. We see Tulisa. TULISA of all people attempting to give her a lecture.  All she can manage without dying of shame is something about her being able to get up and come to work the next day. Lucy says that if she gets through this week she’s going to be good. OH WHATEVER.

Lucy s dressed as a WW2 Wren. She’s singing Titanium with her own sappy verses. She’s pulling some very interesting faces. She hits a few bum notes but on the whole it’s tolerable. Is this nearly over now?

Funsponge calls her performance innovative, and says that the big question was what she was going to do on theme weeks and what she’s done is surprise everyone. No, you berk. What she’s done is sing each of the themes in her own style which isn’t innovative, it’s basically James Arthur with tits. She made it her own though. YEAH SHE DID. Nicole agrees with Funsponge and says she loves her lyrics. She is tea, toast and Titanium. Louis loves her hair and thinks she has more fun off stage than on it. Tulisa thinks that she has a lot of fun on stage and that Lucy is allowed to mix fun and professionalism. Louis points out that Lucy is becoming Tulisa. Heaven forbid.  As a side note, it’s funny how Rylan wasn’t called out on the getting drunk, isn’t it? Was it because he was too busy being a ginger kid? Or is it because this show is a disgustingly sexist mess? I dunno. Tulisa tells her to go out and have a good time as long as she’s at work on time. She’s a storyteller and people connect with her.

Dermot asks her if her NIGHT OF SHAME was all that bad. She says it wasn’t, she’s 21 and she has a song called Beer Fear. She doesn’t sound all that convinced. She thanks everyone for their support.

Adverts!  I love how they’ve completely done away with the question for the competition. Dermot is still presenting when we return. He introduces us to everyone’s family in the audience. He asks Rylan’s cousin what she thinks. She thinks Gary should get over it.  But who cares about that! It’s Kye! Kye is also having a Bad Week but he’s still going to give it a measly 150%. Gary shows him back his performance and Kye realises that he was only singing to 50% of his potential and tells us with the cold eyes of a hostage that he appreciates Funsponge telling him straight. Funsponge telling him straight involves him showing him his performance and telling him every time he’s flat. He’s counted 32 flat notes in the performance. He explains that the competition can either make people ascend or descend and Kye is descending. He knows he wasn’t good enough so he wants to go out and make Funsponge proud of him.  Funsponge tells him backstage that he looks like a different guy and he says he’s going to go out and sing for his life.

Singing for his life involves sitting on a pile of twisted metal pretending to play the piano whilst giving it blue steel through too much eyeliner. He looks like he’s being offered for kindling and going by this performance that would be no bad thing. I don’t know the song, but it makes Tulisa do her feeling things face. I can’t help but feel that the performance would be made better by Funsponge standing beside him shouting out “FLAT” every time he is but like me stalling on my first driving test, he’d probably lose count at 30.

Kye scrambles down from his pyre and Nicole tells him she wanted the performance to be epic... and it was. She liked it because she felt it and she wants to know how it made Kye feel because he was like Chris Martin up there. He was indeed. He was boring. Louis is reminded of his first audition and feels he’s got his Mojo back. Tulisa agrees with Nicole on the Chris Martin comment and whatever was missing last week is back. The only way is up now. Funsponge welcomes him back to the competition and he was glad he was hard on it because he clearly needed it.

Dermot calls Nicole out on the switcheroo, then says he’s never seen a mentor be so hard on their act as Funsponge was on Kye. Kye says “he’s Gary Barlow” like that explains everything.  Gary smugs again. Funsponge said he knew he would take the criticism on board. If you didn’t have enough reason to dislike Dick Van Kye, he declares Chris Martin his hero. Oh dear lord.

Last of the groups now. It’s District Three! Their manufactured drama is being in the bottom two. Louis wonders if it was the song. They thought it was but they were also missing the energy. They get this energy back by having girls screaming at them. Louis has learned their names this week so keeps referring to them as GregMickeyandDan which is confusing to say the least. He says he needs them to find their personalities. Apparently, to find your personality, you need to wear a onesie. Apparently, this week, NotLouis is giving them a personality by way of a dance routine. They try to bring their own moves but are shot down. Louis is pleased with them and says energy a lot. We’ll see.

They’re singing Begging, by the cast of Jersey Boys. Having a personality apparently also means braces and lots of eyebrow work. It also means a backflip and a mashup. I don’t know the second song. Nicole does some epic chair dancing.  One of them shows off his abs.  He’s ripped.  IT’S PERSONALITY AHOY!

Tulisa is happy they were kicked up the bum by being in the bottom two and they’ve brought the required energy to their previously sweet performances. Tulisa tells them that girls are attracted to confidence and they are bringing it. Funsponge quietens down the crowd to say that District 3 are the revelation of the night and they’ve been playing at being a boy band so far but now they’re actually a boy band. Nicole says that it is about the confidence and that was basically all down to the baby oil comment because she saw the abs.  They’re giving the other groups a run for their money. She loved the performance and the harmonies. Louis says that GregMickeyandDan sung their hearts out because they knew they had to after the previous week’s performance and there are now two great boybands in the competion.

Dermot wants to know what they think. They say something dull. Show me the abs again. Oh, you did, Dermot. Thanks. The fact that he was so uncomfortable with it made it uncomfortable for me. They thank NotLouis. Dermot says it’s all about him. How right he is.

Finally, it’s time for the last performance. After the break? OH MAAAAAAAAAN.

Now, it seems that I’ve managed to get through Club Classics week without having to hear I Will Survive or You Got The Love. Will we be allowed to do without them? Who knows. It’s Ella  Henderson! Ella is happy because Adele tweeted her. She didn’t. She just talked about her. She’s happy Adele noticed her though. NotLouis is happy that she’s finally getting to move around, as is Ella. She’s excited because it’s a chance to up her game. He wants her to learn the dance so she can put all her emotion into singing. We are treated to a montage of her practicing in whacky places. NotLouis doesn’t want her voice compromised. She thinks she’ll be alright. OH THE NON TENSION IS NOT AFFECTING ME IN THE SLIGHTEST.

She’s doing You’ve Got The Love. So close, everyone. She’s doing some simple, very literal choreography. She is throwing her hands up in the air, people. It’s typical Ella. Technically proficient but lacking a spark. I find myself singing “you’ve got the gob” along to it. It’s dull. It’s mini Adele in slightly shorter skirts and sparkly tights. Even Ella seems unconvinced.

Funsponge thought it was a great performance and confesses to being a bit worried about her having to dance, although she should have said no to the Nineties Steps dance moves. AHAHAHA! Tulisa shouts that she’s sixteen and wants to have fun. Funsponge then calls her the Adele of the competition and assures her that it’s a compliment. No, Barlow. *you’re* the Adele of this competition because everything that comes out of your mouth is beige.  Adele wouldn’t do anything like that.  Nicole suggests that some people  might be upset because they can’t dance.  Funsponge says that he did those moves in the 90’s. Nicole says that she’s a class act and she’s made the moves current. Nicole thinks that she killed the dance moves and she’s beyond her years. Louis thinks she’s got the love and the voice and she never lets them down. He tells Funsponge that she’s definitely got the X Factor. He thinks she’s going to be an international superstar. Tulisa didn’t know she could do uptempo. She busted a move and showed them how it was done and let’s not forget she’s SIXTEEN. Sixteen. Tulisa and Louis say sixteen to each other.

Come on Dermot, defend her honour. Dermot says that at only SIXTEEN she doesn’t even know who Steps are. Funsponge says she will now because she’s got their moves. STOP BEING AWFUL.  Funsponge says that all she needs to do is sing because that’s magic. Ella replies that she just wanted to feel SIXTEEN and have some fun.

Did anyone catch Ella’s age?

That’s it! It’s finally over! Someone will be going home tomorrow. Join me for the results recap!