Live Shows Week 3 –
20th October 2012
Hello! Welcome to the third week of live shows. Hopefully by
the next time I have to do this it won’t be so much of a marathon. I have two
hours of recapping ahead of me today. Can I do this? Well, I have the memory of
my Nans to help me through. I need something, for this is Club Classics week
and unfortunately, neither of those things mean biscuit.
We begin with a recap of
last week and the giant words say
THE BATTLE CONTINUES. We see Louis and Funsponge squabble and all the emotional
and screechy bits from last week. Tonight, we are promised all the acts. Do we
really need to see who we are going to see? If we don’t know by now... It’s
made better by Gary telling Dick Van Kye he’s awful though. James has a bad week!
Lucy and Rylan get chucked out of their hotel! GIANT X.
We come back to the theme from S-Express and Dermot doing
some TERRIBLE dancing in an ill fitting suit. Talk about Déjà Vu. He’s
surrounded by dancing girls. The shot then goes long and it’s painfully obvious
he’s been replaced by a proper dancer with a sense of shame that’s been
pre-recorded. When we come back he pretends to be out of breath. His suit seems
to be blue and he’s wearing it with a brown tie. I've already mentioned it's ill-fitting, but it bears repeating. He reminds us that we’re live and we’re seeing
eleven people sing tonight. He also tries to tell us that Club Classics night
is always fun. I’ll be the judge of that, thank you. Speaking of judging, it’s
the judges! Dermot says they've spent the afternoon getting ready to club each
other. You do a bad link Dermot, I do a bad one. That’s how it works.
The judges are introduced and come out to Dead or
Alive. Our Louis is resplendent in a
smoking jacket and a maroon polo neck. The jacket is cut in such a way he looks
like one of
Mulligan and O’Hare but we’ll gloss over that. Tulisa has come as a
sexy mermaid in a green stripper costume. She doesn’t do her signal. You can
tell it hurts her. The twitters were alight with what Nicole Shergar had come
as, in her pink lampshade dress, horsetail hairdo and springy gold jewellery. I
went with the
Diva from The Fifth Element. Finally, Funsponge, in a bid to make
himself interesting, has worn a suit of two different types of tartan. NO.
Dermot tells us that the judges are walking. No, he really
does. Dermot also tells us that their faces are set in grim determination and
reminds us that it’s a big night for them and the acts. He wants to know how
they’re feeling. He starts with
Funsponge and asks him what he thinks has happened to his Midas touch after
losing two acts in two weeks. (HA!) He says it’s a shame for him and a shame
for the competition as the competition has lost two good singers. I bet he’s
more worried about the former though. Dermot wonders why this is. Funsponge doesn’t know as both of his acts
were better in the sing offs and even though Carolynne sang against Rylan the
judges still couldn’t make their minds up who was better and that doesn’t say
much for the judging panel. LEAVE LOUIS ALONE. Dermot doesn’t acknowledge this
and moves on to Nicole, stating that maybe the theme will favour some of her
acts more than others. She pretends not to understand, actually says “Exsqueeze
me” and forces Dermot to explain that it might possibly be Rylan’s week. She
agrees with this and he moves on to Tulisa, who apparently “lives in clubs” so
this week must be the easiest week for her and her girls. She says she’s
excited. I don’t know how Tulisa being good at something makes her acts good at
it, but saying that, at least two of her girls will also be terrible at blow
jo..[REDACTED]. Finally, Our Louis who gets by far the biggest cheer of all the
judges. Louis loves Dermot’s dancing. Dermot asks Louis if now that he’s urban
he is excited for the theme this week. Our Louis rightly reminds Dermot that
Dance Music has been around far longer than him and it’s all much of a muchness
so he should just shut his big stupid face. I’m paraphrasing, but you get the
gist. Louis makes a dig about Tulisa and
the acts falling out of clubs. Tulisa
reminds Louis that she “Struts” out. Louis laughs at her. Why can’t the two
good judges sit together please?
Dermot urges us to vote and gives us the numbers. I notice
on the repeat viewing that the numbers give us the running order. Hmm. [I rather like that. Makes it much easier to plan one's loo breaks. - Steve]
First up is Funsponge, who having lost two acts in two weeks
is tense and worried. OH GOOD. If that
wasn’t bad enough, he’s off out with Rylan tonight. OH LOL CASUAL HOMOPHOBIA.
It’s Christopher Maloney! What strikes me the most about his VT is not how
orange he is, but how disingenuous his smile is. Christopher thinks that the song he’s been
given will give him a chance to strut his stuff. Funsponge wonders if he has a plan.
Christopher’s plan is to dance but he’s got two left feet. Funsponge can
sympathise. To illustrate this, we see NotLouis and a dancer who deserves his
own show try not to kill him as they try to teach him some moves. Christopher confesses to not being a trained
dancer. WELL BLOW ME OVER. NotLouis has
to resort to physically moving him into the right position. Christopher is
THIRTY FOUR and he dances like his dad down the pub. Oh god, U SO OLD. Gary
then claims to have taught Usain Bolt his moves and the entire nation shouts
BOKAY THEN. Christopher pretends to laugh. Christopher is nervous because
there’s lots to think about when he’s dancing and singing. He’s never been called upon to do more than sway a bit
and this seems a bit more full on. Funsponge tells him that he thought he would
have to cut the dancing, but he’s not. [If he's thirty four I'm sixteen - Rad]
Christopher is singing Waiting for a Star to Fall. He’s
standing on a Perspex box, but this one is ROUND. He’s wearing a Johnny
Robinson cast off suit. I don’t need to tell you it’s awful. It is a cruiseship
made of CHEESE and the tears of Sami Brookes. The only good part of the whole
thing is Louis’ little smile as he makes the notes he’s going to use to pwn
everyone else on the panel. [I am so ENRAGED. I bloody love this song so so much and he massacred it. Also: not a club classic. There were those two dance mixes of it the other year but neither used the full song. Stupid X Factor - Rad]
Nicole goes in for the kill first. She calls Christopher her
love and ponders aloud who doesn’t love a warm cheese toastie. STOP MAKING ME
LIKE YOU NICOLE, I NEVER WANTED TO AND NOW I DO. She’s finding it hard to criticise him
because he works hard and he’s loveable, and she’ll get used to the sparkle. OH YOU QUEEN OF THE BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT.
She’s basically just called him Special.
She’s going to embrace his sparkle, like the very special unicorn that
he is. YAWN. Here comes Louis. He knew Christopher would struggle this week
(BURN!) but he likes the song Gary has picked for him. Louis remembers buying that record in 1988
before Tulisa was born (SCORCH!). It’s cheesy and fun (OOH) and it reminds him
of school discos (THIRD DEGREE BURNS) and a TV Programme called ‘Seaside
Special’ (CREMATED).
Let’s just take a moment to absorb the beauty of that
segment, shall we?
Tulisa is going to be 100% honest now even though he won’t
like it. She’s given him a couple of
weeks to bed in and she ‘officially’ doesn’t get it. That’s it Christopher, go home immediately!
It’s too cheesy for her. She doesn’t understand how Funsponge can call Rylan
cheesy when Rylan is a mere Babybel and Christopher is full stilton. Funsponge
hits back that Christopher can sing.
Tulisa retaliates by saying that Rylan is fun and she doesn’t have fun
when Christopher sings. Funsponge then
reminds everyone that Christopher is the public vote and he hasn’t let his
public or Liverpool down yet. Oh, now we know you’re scrabbling, Funsponge. He
got in because he was shakey and he has a Nan. That’s it.
Dermot asks Christopher if he thinks he’s cheesy.
Christopher says that he enjoys his performances and he takes on board the
comments but he’s going to ignore them because he’s working his socks off to
make himself better. Dermot urges us to vote for him. Coming up after the break, MK1 and Jahmene
doing gospel. Dermot then says “testify”. OH DEAR LORD. Adverts!
We return and Dermot is in the audience trying to tell us
that the audience in the studio is Hardcore, whilst hugging an old lady with
Jahmene’s face on her t-shirt. It’s over
to ‘Uncle’ Louis for the groups. He introduces Charley and Sim from MK1.
Charley says that they felt love and heartbreak last week because they loved
the song but they were heartbroken because they’re not a pop act. This was
illustrated by the judges saying they were clearly out of their comfort zone.
We pretend that they were in danger last week even though the names are called
in no particular order. Sim says that it was really hard to see their friends
in the bottom two. Charley says that people don’t realise how close the acts
become backstage and they’re like a little family. Last week proved to them that nobody is safe.
Sim repeats this almost word for word. They have a chat with Louis and explain
their dilemma. Do something underground and alienate the X Factor Audience. Do
something overground (that’s the term they used) and they’re not urban any
more. Louis interviews that there’s never been an act like them on the show and
they need to stick to what makes them different. Their compromise is to mash up an old song and
a new song like they did in the first week because that worked for them. Louis
agrees and says that he doesn’t want them to compromise. Even NotLouis likes
them in rehearsals because it’s gritty. Sim thinks that Club Classics should be about
having fun and he can’t wait to do this one.
They begin with Gypsy Woman (La Da Dee) and it’s really,
really good. I’m sorry, that may get me fired again, but I don’t care. It’s got
a rap in it. It doesn’t even annoy me that much that Charley is wearing a
bobble hat. What does annoy me is that it turns into Pass Out by Tiny Tempers
and it’s completely unnecessary. I would have much rather have heard more of
Gypsy Woman if I’m honest. The crowd love it.
Tulisa seems to agree with me in that she loved the first
half of that performance because it was a good song choice and the vocals were
on point but the whole thing should’ve been Gypsy Woman. She goes on to say
that rappers doing other people’s raps is a pet hate of hers and Sim should’ve
just done his own rap instead of copying the Tiny Tempers. It comes from a place of love though,
apparently. Funsponge agrees, the first half was exceptional and the second
half was just an impersonation. They should believe more in their song choices
and see it through to the end and that there’s no need for a mashup. Nicole
doesn’t understand what all the smack talk is about because she thought it was
“Shamazing”. I don’t know what that is but I love it. It’s club classics week
and that song made her want to dance. She loved the vocals and the mix of old
and new and the fact that they are Musketeers and she wants to buy their album
now finally because they are true to themselves. They brought the energy and
the fun. I LOVE THIS WOMAN. Finally, Uncle Louis tells us that this week he
allowed MK1 to pick their own songs after a midweek change and it was a good
idea because it was their best performance yet and he would quite like his hat
back. OH LOUIS.
Dermot asks Nicole what Shamazing means. She says it means
shamazing and its two words. Lovely. Secondly he points out that the judges
loved the first half of the performance and the second half not so much. Sim responds that this week was all about
getting their edge back and Pass Out is such a classic tune they thought that
it would do that. It didn’t.
Boys turn now, and Dermot hands us over to someone who looks
good on the dancefloor, it’s our lovely Nicole with Jahmene Douglas and his
emotional week. Jahmene interviews that
before he was on the show he didn’t know that the newspapers could write
anything about you and that last weekend there was lots about him and his
family in them. Apparently his father isn’t a very nice man and he thought that
he just wouldn’t tell anyone. I feel a bit sorry for him at this point as he is
clearly a bit too naive for all of this.
He’s glad the story has come out because he hopes that this will make
people realise why he is how he is and why he does that annoying little laugh
all the time. It’s because the only way he can cope is to keep smiling because
it stops him crying. He wants to be a musician because music helps him through
his struggles. He remembers listening to Whitney Houston and that being his
sanctuary. He’s also doing it for his Mam because he wants to make her proud
because of all she’s been though and he wants to put a smile on her face. His
mum is wheeled out to tell him that she’s proud. Nicole helps him through all this by doing
her feeling things face whilst wearing a floppy hat and asking him if he’s had
a tough week. Jahmene is just glad that he’s not carrying the burden by himself
any more. She thinks his song is an
excellent message to come out with this week as it’s got such an empowering
message and she hopes his dark past will help others come to terms with theirs
and she’s genuinely there for him. I feel a bit sad that he clearly doesn’t
want to talk about it and he’s being forced to but there you go, that’s this
show. They hug it out. He hopes that
people take strength from his performance in that you can still do well no
matter what you’ve been through, you can still find happiness and nobody can
take that away.
He’s doing “Say A Little Prayer” dressed as Marcus Collins.
In true NotLouis style he’s on some random stairs that are just in the middle of
the stage for no reason. He’s singing in his usual fashion, which is adding in
lots of extra notes which I’m not sure are all audible to the human ear whilst
pulling some of the most ungodly faces that ever existed and which leave me in
no doubt as to what his special grown up time faces look like. He is surrounded by dancing girls and is the
world’s most uncomfortable man.
Our Louis begins by telling us what we’ve just seen, which
is the little man with the big soul voice. He’s amazed by his soul and
potential every week. He reminds him of a little Ray Charles and even though
it’s hard to sing Aretha he was amazing. Tulisa can only ever say how amazing
it is and because she’s a manipulative, soulless beast she pokes him until he
cries by spouting some utter shit about how she feels that his whole life has
been building up to this moment and he’s supposed to be on that stage. It works
and his bottom lip goes. Funsponge congratulates him on a stunning performance
but even though he’s had his life dragged through the papers this week he’s
going to slag him off a bit by telling him he shouldn’t move onstage. Which is
more than a bit rich. Louis calls him
out on this by saying that Jahmene is world class and Tulisa just gets enraged.
Nicole doesn’t get involved and tells him that the only thing that’s real is
real talent. In your FACE, SINGLE MOTHER GOOSE. HE’s only 22 and has been
through so much and has courage and massive balls. She loves him and he’s there
for a great purpose.
Dermot acknowledges that Jahmene is a private guy but
decides to poke him a bit anyway about the stories in the papers and asks him
if he would like to say anything. He physically can’t get out any more than a
thank you and stands there crying as Dermot reads out his number. STAY CLASSY,
X FACTOR. He runs off stage at the first opportunity and it is the adverts
again.
When we return, Dermot is at the judge’s desk and
introduces Tulisa and the girls by saying that Tulisa must be happy not to have
to wait to go clubbing. When was the last time you were in a club, Dermot?
Anyway, it’s Jade who has apparently had a nightmare week. What’s happened?
Family secrets torn apart? The whole world now know that your father abused you
and your mother?
No. Jade has a sore throat.
Tulisa announces this as the Worst Week Ever. We see Jade in Vocal Training and the vocal
coach is sending her off to a doctor. This makes Jade cry until the vocal coach
gives her a hug. Jade interviews that she hopes it’s not too serious and not
irreversible. If it is irreversible it will mean the end of the competition for
her. A doctor shoves a camera down her
nose and tells her that her vocal chords have taken quite a battering. She
should deffo ask Tulisa about that. The doctor tells her to rest her voice.
NotLouis has just heard that she’s on 48 hours vocal rest and he’s frightened
and everyone is worried about whether she can sing or not. Jade has an iPad to
write on though, and puts across the message that she can do it. [Would've been much funnier with a Speak and Spell. - Steve] Tulisa is seriously worried that she can’t
practice her song but she’s a fighter. Oh I can’t take the tension.
She’s pretending to be a model and is singing a bit of a
dubsteppy version of “Free”, wearing a pink jumpsuit that’s got one of
those crotches that fall at the knees. She isn’t very good. Not in a sore
throat way, just completely out of time and a lot boring. Even when the dancers
get the glitter out it still isn’t interesting.
Funsponge didn’t know that she had had all the trouble and
wants to know where in the healing process her voice is. Jade confesses that it
hasn’t healed at all. He thinks the
performance was safe and she covered her bad voice quite well. Nicole begins
then asks if it’s her. She continues as it is and says that she looks like a
million bucks and the set design is good but she didn’t really own it and
didn’t believe in the lyrics and didn’t work work work the stage. She’s exactly
right. NotLouis set it all up for her and she didn’t take it. She also needs to
lift her vocals and Funsponge has a pop at her for saying that. Louis thinks
she looks every inch the popstar but she didn’t sing like one. He knows she’s
had a bad week but there was no energy or passion, which is exactly what was
missing. He’s worried about her and thinks she needs to give more. Tulisa
thinks that she did the best she could with the voice that she had, completely
missing the point. Tulisa understands that Jade’s confidence is knocked and it
took a lot for her to get on stage. If this is the line that they were going to
take they should not have put her on straight after Jahmene.
Dermot also misses the point and tries to go all knight in
shining armour on Jade’s behalf asking Louis what part of the medical diagnosis
he doesn’t understand. I’m so bored of this now. Louis rightly says she could
have given more energy. She’s not allowed to talk, sadly.
MOAR ADVERTS.
I don’t want the X Factor App, please. I’d much rather go
back to Nicole, and seeing as this is Bad Week Week, James has also had a Bad
Week. James had a panic attack last
Saturday night which someone helpfully filmed. He says he felt funny building
up to the performance and after the show he was dazed and confused and couldn’t
feel his arms. They called an ambulance for him and the ambulance man calmed
him down and brought him back to the room. Nicole puts her feeling things face
on again and wants to know what happened. James said he went green after his
performance and someone noticed he wasn’t right and he describes a full blown
panic attack. Nicole’s advice is that he doesn’t have to go deeper in his
performances anymore and now he needs to look after himself. What a better week
to do that in than club classics week! Everyone is behind him. James tells us
that he’s picked a fun song and it’s a rare bit of light heartedness from him.
He’s going to focus on the sexy dancers.
Nicole then tells him that she’s covered in baby oil and he tells her to
stop because of his heart problems. Way to go, X Factor! Tell people suffering
from Anxiety that they have heart problems! That’s going to help! This show is
the actual worst this week. The depths they are plumbing to try and make the
headlines is disgusting me. [This show can fuck the fuck off. I'm feeling actively sorry for the contestants this year. Just send them to a boring premiere already - Rad]
James is shaking it up by standing still and hammering at an
acoustic guitar whilst being surrounded by dancing girls. It takes me a while to identify the song.
It’s LMFAO’s Sexy and I Know It. This is James’ light-hearted side everyone!
Singing a shit song in his usual style. GAAAAAAAAAH. [I actually quite liked this. I thought it was quite a good way of embracing the ridiculousness of the theme week by just picking the most unsuitable song imaginable and Live Lounging it. Don't worry, I'll see myself out. - Steve]
The judges lap it up though. Nicole and Funsponge are on
their feet. Our Louis congratulates him on his interpretation of an LMFO song.
Bless. He says the song shouldn’t have suited him, but it did. That’s why it’s
funny! Do you see?! This is just like having a joke explained to you again and
again and again until you want to hit stuff! Someone help me! Louis reiterates
that he’s had a bad week but he still got up and sang. He’s what the show is
all about. Someone with talent who’s going to get a recording deal and he deserves
it. Tulisa thought it was an amazing rendition and was glad he replaced his
usual tortured soul voice with a fun one. He didn’t, Tulisa. He used his
tortured voice on a fun song. IT’S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT THING. Funsponge says
amazing three times because he took a fun song and made it dull. That’s not me
being facetious, that’s actually what he said in not so many words. He declares it the performance of the
series. This pleases Nicole who declares
that James has passion in his pants. He’s a revelation with swag and he took a
song and made it bluesy.
Dermot puts in his tuppence, saying that James has smiled
for the first time. James wonders how he couldn’t smile with that feedback. I
dunno, perhaps it’s the terrible teeth? He then tells Nicole off for putting
the sexy girls around him when he has high blood pressure. Since when? Is this
another medical fact that this show has made up? Like how having a sore throat
can make you so dull that Funsponge thinks you’re interesting? I GIVE UP.
Nicole says that he told her to focus on them. Dermot wants to know what James
thinks of the performance of the series tag. He thanks Funsponge for it. Number
and gone.
Sixth act of the night, and we’re on to Union J. HALFWAY
BITCHES. Union J interview that last Saturday was amazing and they enjoyed
hearing the screaming of the crowd. They haven’t had a bad week so we see lots
of their performance from the previous episode. Their filler is Louis asking
them which one gets the most girls. It’s Josh or George apparently. George
knows this. They’re so happy with the support they’re getting that
they take a trip to Top Shop with a view to getting mauled by loads of girls.
They get lots of notes saying that girls love them and everything. Louis thinks
that they have a lot of potential but they’re not there yet and he doesn’t want
the female attention taking their focus away. *Snigger* I don’t think that’s
going to be an issue to be honest. Louis sits them all down and tells them not
to let the girls distract them, which is more than a little sinister if I’m
honest. One of them says that they can’t
let their guard down as they don’t want to slip then go home. They don’t want
to let anyone down. Bless.
Union J are singing When Love Takes Over. They all have
directional hair now. They are pretending some boxes on the stage are stools
and you just know that they’re going to stand up when the beat kicks in. Oh!
There it is! It’s typical boy band fodder. Easy harmonies and a key change
that’s accompanied by fireworks. Nothing original but nothing amazing either.
Tulisa is so happy that she saw their potential as they are
improving each week. She mentions the female fans again. This is starting to
feel a bit propaganda-y. Funsponge can feel the birth of a boy band in the room
and wants more harmonies. Nicole would like some more energy and agrees with
Funsponge that the harmonies could be more impressive. Louis thinks their hard
work is paying off and everything is coming together and the other judges
should just lay off, ok?
Dermot does his voice of the people shtick again and he
really should just give it up. He asks Funsponge and Nicole whether it’s fair
to ask them to do more harmonies after only three weeks. Can someone please
point out that three of them have been in a band together for significantly
longer now please? No? Ok. Funsponge says that they just need to sing together.
Dermot wants to know what they make of the comments. They know they’ve got a
lot to work on. Dermot tells them their hair is nice. VOTE FOR HETROSEXUAL
UNION J! THEY LOVE LADIES!
The sweet, sweet relief of the advertising break...
Dermot reminds us all that it’s Club Classics night and
there are FIVE MORE ACTS before they’re all going round to Louis’. It’s the
boys again, and Dermot makes a dig about Nicole eating a Pork Scratching the
other week and she just sweeps it off by asking who doesn’t like a pork
scratching? It’s her own club classic, it’s Rylan! We’re reminded of Rylan’s superawesome performance
last week. He says it was unreal and he couldn’t believe it when Dermot called
his name. He says it was overwhelming that he got through and is pleased that
people voted for him and he knows he’s not everyone’s cup of tea but being
voted for makes him feel accepted as he wasn’t the best looking kid growing up.
It’s at this point Rylan comes out as a ginger. He says he was bullied and didn’t
fit in and I genuinely warm to him. I also admire that he hasn’t felt the need to milk this too
much. He likes to look as good as he can
because of the insecurity that the bullying has left him with. I can’t believe
this is the same show that made Jahmene cry on live television. We’re getting a
bit of back-story on Rylan that’s not just there for the sake of it, it
actually explains him a bit and makes us care. We see him getting his beard
shaved off. The hairdresser does it gradually for him and Lucy is there holding
his hand. It’s a very sweet segment. He does it in the end though and Rylan announces
the birth of the new him.
Rylan is singing ALL THE SONGS again. He begins with that
Jennifer Lopez Lambada one. He’s wearing a wonderful outfit that’s a bit like a
white tuxedo with bits cut out of it. The song runs into Please Don’t Stop The
Music. It’s good fun, and just when it starts to get boring he apologises for
his behaviour and goes into the ass shaking song [I See You Baby, I think? Groove Armada anyway - Rad]. He gets the crowd involved at
least. He isn’t the best singer, but it’s not a beige performance by any means.
Louis calls the performance ‘A great Brian Friedman performance
featuring you’ which makes me laugh until I fall off my chair. The camera cuts to the man himself wearing A
CLOAK. [NotLouis I love you more than words can say - Rad] Louis thinks that he’s not the best singer but he’s definitely the best
entertainer and unlike some of the others he came out and was entertaining. Louis doesn’t want to lose him in the competition.
Tulisa then asks Funsponge if he wouldn’t like a little bite of the Babybel. He
doesn’t. Even though his vocals weren’t all that she was still entertained and
she would like to see it again. Funsponge’s problem with Rylan is that for
every week he is there a talented singer isn’t and this should have been his
week but it wasn’t. He was the worst.
Nicole interrupts and tells the bore that it is his week because he was the only
one that has danced so far on Club Classics week. Nicole loves the new look and
gives him two words – Bourgeois [I thought it was Gor-geois? - Rad] [It was - that was the phrase NotLouis coined for him the other week. - Steve]. She turns to Funsponge and says that she knows
he doesn’t have the X Factor, he has the X, Y and Z factor whilst clicking in
his face.
Dermot hops in, and suggests to Funsponge that Club Classics week might actually be about
dancing. He replies with “Two words – O-ver” and smugs so much that it steams
up the inside of my television. Nicole then shouts two sets of two words at
Funsponge which are “bo-ring” and “Old Fart”. Heh. They shout over Rylan’s
right to reply which is basically that he knows he’s not the best singer but he
doesn’t really care and gives NotLouis a shout out and a thank you. NotLouis
makes heart hands whilst wearing his cape. Rylan looks a bit defeated as he walks off. [But but but then they said he was going? Presumably to the stinky Merkan X Factor that no-one cares about. I feel like clinging to the trail of his cape and begging him to stay. We NEEEEEEEED you NotLouis! - Rad]
We’re back with the girls and it’s the turn of Lucy
Spraggan. She had her Bad Week last week after losing her grandmother and had
to spend the week putting an effort into keeping a smile on her face. When she
heard she got through she was so relieved that she went on a night out with
Rylan that looks like it was probably the funnest night that ever existed in
the history of nights out. Lucy says
that she sang a song about being drunk so they should’ve been expecting it.
They had so much fun that she and Rylan got thrown out of the hotel. She’s
sorry if she’s upset everyone. She’s not let getting drunk affect her work
though and she’s even written some parts of this song. We see NotLouis telling her
off for being naughty. We see Tulisa. TULISA of all people attempting to give
her a lecture. All she can manage
without dying of shame is something about her being able to get up and come to
work the next day. Lucy says that if she gets through this week she’s going to
be good. OH WHATEVER.
Lucy s dressed as a WW2 Wren. She’s singing Titanium with her
own sappy verses. She’s pulling some very interesting faces. She hits a few bum
notes but on the whole it’s tolerable. Is this nearly over now?
Funsponge calls her performance innovative, and says that
the big question was what she was going to do on theme weeks and what she’s
done is surprise everyone. No, you berk. What she’s done is sing each of the
themes in her own style which isn’t innovative, it’s basically James Arthur
with tits. She made it her own though. YEAH SHE DID. Nicole agrees with
Funsponge and says she loves her lyrics. She is tea, toast and Titanium. Louis
loves her hair and thinks she has more fun off stage than on it. Tulisa thinks
that she has a lot of fun on stage and that Lucy is allowed to mix fun and
professionalism. Louis points out that Lucy is becoming Tulisa. Heaven
forbid. As a side note, it’s funny how
Rylan wasn’t called out on the getting drunk, isn’t it? Was it because he was
too busy being a ginger kid? Or is it because this show is a disgustingly
sexist mess? I dunno. Tulisa tells her to go out and have a good time as long
as she’s at work on time. She’s a storyteller and people connect with her.
Dermot asks her if her NIGHT OF SHAME was all that bad. She
says it wasn’t, she’s 21 and she has a song called Beer Fear. She doesn’t sound
all that convinced. She thanks everyone for their support.
Adverts! I love how
they’ve completely done away with the question for the competition. Dermot is
still presenting when we return. He introduces us to everyone’s family in the
audience. He asks Rylan’s cousin what she thinks. She thinks Gary should get
over it. But who cares about that! It’s
Kye! Kye is also having a Bad Week but he’s still going to give it a measly
150%. Gary shows him back his performance and Kye realises that he was only
singing to 50% of his potential and tells us with the cold eyes of a hostage
that he appreciates Funsponge telling him straight. Funsponge telling him
straight involves him showing him his performance and telling him every time he’s
flat. He’s counted 32 flat notes in the performance. He explains that the
competition can either make people ascend or descend and Kye is descending. He knows
he wasn’t good enough so he wants to go out and make Funsponge proud of
him. Funsponge tells him backstage that
he looks like a different guy and he says he’s going to go out and sing for his
life.
Singing for his life involves sitting on a pile of twisted
metal pretending to play the piano whilst giving it blue steel through too much
eyeliner. He looks like he’s being offered for kindling and going by this performance
that would be no bad thing. I don’t know the song, but it makes Tulisa do her feeling
things face. I can’t help but feel that the performance would be made better by
Funsponge standing beside him shouting out “FLAT” every time he is but like me
stalling on my first driving test, he’d probably lose count at 30.
Kye scrambles down from his pyre and Nicole tells him she
wanted the performance to be epic... and it was. She liked it because she felt
it and she wants to know how it made Kye feel because he was like Chris Martin
up there. He was indeed. He was boring. Louis is reminded of his first audition
and feels he’s got his Mojo back. Tulisa agrees with Nicole on the Chris Martin
comment and whatever was missing last week is back. The only way is up now.
Funsponge welcomes him back to the competition and he was glad he was hard on
it because he clearly needed it.
Dermot calls Nicole out on the switcheroo, then says he’s
never seen a mentor be so hard on their act as Funsponge was on Kye. Kye says “he’s
Gary Barlow” like that explains everything. Gary smugs again. Funsponge said he knew he
would take the criticism on board. If you didn’t have enough reason to dislike
Dick Van Kye, he declares Chris Martin his hero. Oh dear lord.
Last of the groups now. It’s District Three! Their
manufactured drama is being in the bottom two. Louis wonders if it was the
song. They thought it was but they were also missing the energy. They get this
energy back by having girls screaming at them. Louis has learned their names
this week so keeps referring to them as GregMickeyandDan which is confusing to
say the least. He says he needs them to find their personalities. Apparently,
to find your personality, you need to wear a onesie. Apparently, this week,
NotLouis is giving them a personality by way of a dance routine. They try to
bring their own moves but are shot down. Louis is pleased with them and says
energy a lot. We’ll see.
They’re singing Begging, by the cast of Jersey Boys. Having
a personality apparently also means braces and lots of eyebrow work. It also
means a backflip and a mashup. I don’t know the second song. Nicole does some
epic chair dancing. One of them shows
off his abs. He’s ripped. IT’S PERSONALITY AHOY!
Tulisa is happy they were kicked up the bum by being in the
bottom two and they’ve brought the required energy to their previously sweet
performances. Tulisa tells them that girls are attracted to confidence and they
are bringing it. Funsponge quietens down the crowd to say that District 3 are
the revelation of the night and they’ve been playing at being a boy band so far
but now they’re actually a boy band. Nicole says that it is about the
confidence and that was basically all down to the baby oil comment because she
saw the abs. They’re giving the other
groups a run for their money. She loved the performance and the harmonies.
Louis says that GregMickeyandDan sung their hearts out because they knew they
had to after the previous week’s performance and there are now two great
boybands in the competion.
Dermot wants to know what they think. They say something dull.
Show me the abs again. Oh, you did, Dermot. Thanks. The fact that he was so
uncomfortable with it made it uncomfortable for me. They thank NotLouis. Dermot
says it’s all about him. How right he is.
Finally, it’s time for the last performance. After the
break? OH MAAAAAAAAAN.
Now, it seems that I’ve managed to get through Club Classics
week without having to hear I Will Survive or You Got The Love. Will we be
allowed to do without them? Who knows. It’s Ella Henderson! Ella is happy because Adele
tweeted her. She didn’t. She just talked about her. She’s happy Adele noticed
her though. NotLouis is happy that she’s finally getting to move around, as is
Ella. She’s excited because it’s a chance to up her game. He wants her to learn
the dance so she can put all her emotion into singing. We are treated to a
montage of her practicing in whacky places. NotLouis doesn’t want her voice compromised.
She thinks she’ll be alright. OH THE NON TENSION IS NOT AFFECTING ME IN THE
SLIGHTEST.
She’s doing You’ve Got The Love. So close, everyone. She’s
doing some simple, very literal choreography. She is throwing her hands up in
the air, people. It’s typical Ella. Technically proficient but lacking a spark.
I find myself singing “you’ve got the gob” along to it. It’s dull. It’s mini
Adele in slightly shorter skirts and sparkly tights. Even Ella seems
unconvinced.
Funsponge thought it was a great performance and confesses
to being a bit worried about her having to dance, although she should have said
no to the Nineties Steps dance moves. AHAHAHA! Tulisa shouts that she’s sixteen
and wants to have fun. Funsponge then calls her the Adele of the competition
and assures her that it’s a compliment. No, Barlow. *you’re* the Adele of this competition
because everything that comes out of your mouth is beige. Adele wouldn’t do anything like that. Nicole suggests that some people might be upset
because they can’t dance. Funsponge says
that he did those moves in the 90’s. Nicole says that she’s a class act and she’s
made the moves current. Nicole thinks that she killed the dance moves and she’s
beyond her years. Louis thinks she’s got the love and the voice and she never
lets them down. He tells Funsponge that she’s definitely got the X Factor. He thinks
she’s going to be an international superstar. Tulisa didn’t know she could do
uptempo. She busted a move and showed them how it was done and let’s not forget
she’s SIXTEEN. Sixteen. Tulisa and Louis say sixteen to each other.
Come on Dermot, defend her honour. Dermot says that at only
SIXTEEN she doesn’t even know who Steps are. Funsponge says she will now
because she’s got their moves. STOP BEING AWFUL. Funsponge says that all she needs to do is
sing because that’s magic. Ella replies that she just wanted to feel SIXTEEN
and have some fun.
Did anyone catch Ella’s age?
That’s it! It’s finally over! Someone will be going home
tomorrow. Join me for the results recap!
