tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-155466882024-03-13T19:53:54.731+00:00The Bitch FactorITV1's <i>The X Factor</i>, through the eyes of some cynical viewers. WHOSE PARENTS ARE DEAD.Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.comBlogger239125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-7160719265554237902014-09-01T21:57:00.000+01:002014-09-01T23:47:19.040+01:00The Ex (Bitch) Factor?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<u>Auditions week 1 – 30-31<sup>st</sup> August</u></div>
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I’ll level with you, dear reader; we were a bit concerned
about whether we would want to watch the X Factor again this series. To be
honest, the thought of the return of Simon and Cheryl as some kind of Saviours
of realty television, NAY, MUSIC! was frankly insulting and made us feel a
little bit sick. Not fully nauseous, just a bit like when you read for too long
on the back of a bumpy bus and start to feel a little green. </div>
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Well, it turns out we were right. It was awful and we definitely
won’t be watching this series*. Here’s why:<br />
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The opening pre-credits sequence. Sweet Nicole Scherzinger, the pre-credits sequence.
From the suggestion that Simon has a red carpet in front of his house, to the
hint that Cheryl lives in Somerset House, to the fact that Louis Walsh seems to
live in an Aftershave advert and Mel B shouts FISHPASTE in the back of a
helicopter. (We think that’s what she’s saying). For people that seem to spend
half their lives on television they are so incredibly wooden that they seem to
be carved from the furniture in my house. I actually have to check if my bed is
still there. I also resent the accusation that Cheryl and Simon have had to
come back to save music. Music really didn’t need them, thanks. </div>
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OH FANTASTIC, IT’S STILL DERMOT.</div>
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Mel B. I mean, REALLY? I really don’t want to do her down,
but I will. She seems to have actually become her Bo Selecta character. Either that
or I just want so badly it’s happened.</div>
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Cheryl’s back. They talk about her decade of hits and show
only her solo parade of awful. </div>
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Oh lovely, they’ve kept both the room and studio auditions so
even if we were recapping, half of the audition recaps would be tedious.</div>
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Cheryl makes sex eyes at Simon within the first 2 seconds of
them being in the same room. YAWN.</div>
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Blonde Electric. Blonde Electric are equal parts of Katie Waissel
and the bad parts of Kitty Brucknell wrapped up in a bundle of Fauxmerican bad
blondeness. They make it worse by singing Jessie J. Just... No. Simon pretends to
hate them because it says so in the script. They sing Jessie J and manage to
make it more vocally affected. Just... No.</div>
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They’ve got adverts after the first audition. I’m sensing
this will be a theme.</div>
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They’ve got a screen up in the holding room which makes for
even more holding room reaction shots. Cos that’s what everyone wants.<br />
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The camera work, which consists of using just three (bad) angles in the audition room only and is super-distracting, especially when you can see the crew in most of the shots. And the 'fader' man stock footage they're using on 50% of the auditions. Clearly all the budget has gone straight to Simon and Cheryl's bank accounts.</div>
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Ok. Let’s pause here. Remember a couple of years ago when
Simon was all of the damps over the Lazy Decorator because he could play
guitar? Well this time, it’s different. Simon hates guitars now. Apparently, now we’re actually actively
discouraging young people from playing their own instruments. I mean, Sam
Callaghan’s guitar playing would be enough to put anyone off musicianship but
perspective, please. Simon symbolically smashes a guitar. He even checks with Reece Bibby whom they love if he’ll be playing
his guitar all the time.</div>
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Reece Bibby’s dad looks my age and probably is. Fuck that
shit. </div>
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Simon’s face looks like its melting. Like it’s actually
sliding off his face. It’s freaking me out, so No.</div>
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Charlie Jones ballids a Wand Erection song. Balliding is
still a thing. Depressing. </div>
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Chloe O’Gorman’s eyebrows. Nuff said.</div>
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They’re doing that thing of loving songs from musicals in
the auditions but they’ll no doubt chuck someone of at the live shows for being
too musical theatre like the bunch of absolute hypocrites they are. </div>
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Too. Much. Cheryl. They even drag out a boy called Finn
Quinlan who loves her. Finn Quinlan doesn’t seem entirely well and he can’t
sing but what’s more important is that he’s slightly obsessed with Cheryl and
is willing to sing That’s My Goal in her face for our entertainment. </div>
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An entire minute of prime time television dedicated to
selfies.</div>
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An entire minute of Mel B shouting FOOK OFF at people saying
that Cheryl is beautiful over her. </div>
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A not entirely mentally well woman in a Cheryl costume.</div>
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OH THE RETURNING HERO IS A RETURNING THING. Amy Connolly had
a dead dad then messed up at judges houses. She’s back and she doesn’t manage
to get through the song but they still put her through because EVERYONE LOVES A
TRIER. So bloody bored of this.</div>
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Shaden Willis is made to sing several songs despite clearly
not being very good. It goes on for far longer than it needs to. I think what
this show needs to do is establish the difference between what is bad and funny
and what is actually sad. Shaden falls
into the latter category and it’s just not entertaining. It’s actually painful.
And unnecessary. Same goes for the lady with the Chinese food and anyone
wearing a Tina Turner wig.</div>
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Everything about Chloe Jasmine. To her insistence that “England”
is an answer to “Where are you from” in England. She doesn’t listen to herself
sing and she clearly doesn’t listen to herself at all because she is without a
single ounce of self awareness. I had to check really hard that I wasn’t just having a half northern
half Scottish working class chip on my shoulder about her then she says “perhaps
you could define a baby’s cry as an aria” then I realise that she’s just a
godawful human that needs to be stopped at all costs. She can’t even sing that
well, but she’ll clearly be good telly so she’s through.</div>
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The Cheryl and Simon pretend arguments. No need, no fun, no
joy.</div>
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Saturday’s show ends with a fit man with a cute baby singing
well. The structure of the show has told us that we know he’s going to be good
which makes the last 10 minutes pointless. He’s ONE OF THE BRAVE LADS SERVING
OUR MAJESTY too, if everything else wasn’t enough. At least he’s fit though. </div>
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That’s enough of Saturday. I watched Sunday just to make
sure that we definitely don’t need to watch it any more. I also found several
reasons why we won’t be watching the X Factor any more.</div>
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Firstly, they’re allowing Chris Brown songs. They’re Chris
Brown songs sung by the criminally and hilariously bad GCB but they’re still
Chris Brown songs. Chris Brown hits women, anyone that found this blog by searching
Chris Brown. </div>
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Next reason not to watch is Stevie Richie who is an Essex
boy that’s allergic to looking at the camera. He’s the kind of guy that looks
like he uses the word “banter” without irony. Again, no. He looks like Russell
Kane’s Ghost Of Christmas Future. He’s singing an Olly Murs song, just to ice
the cake. </div>
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As an aside, Timehop (that thing where you get your Facebook
posts from a few years ago) reminded me that I saw Olly Murs filming a video in
Deptford once and I didn’t take him out. I can only apologise. </div>
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ANYWAY. Stevie “Shane” Richie forgets the words and does a
lot of dancing and brazening it out. They like him for his personality and kind
eyes, which is code for “you’ll make a humongous tit of yourself in the arena”
and they put him through. THEY PUT HIM THROUGH. WHAT EVEN IS THIS SHIT?</div>
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OH GOOD A GROUPS SECTION. I suppose one reason you might
like to watch is the look of utter shade Mel B throws Cheryl when she compares
Girls Aloud and Spice Girls. Mel B also says that Cheryl is most like Posh
which is some of the more sophisticated shit slinging that I’ve ever seen.
There’s a montage of shit groups but they stop for the good one, who are
genuinely best friends. Allegedly. One of them has an acoustic guitar but apparently
today that’s ok. They look like an Urban Outfitters trolley dash and everything
I want to punch. They are called Only the Young. I’m assuming they’re referring
to their demographic.<br />
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Simon says he’d like to make a new Steps but with good
people. 1. Lol. 2. Don’t make me like you.</div>
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Genuine friendship seems to be a theme, because FRIENDSHIP
NEVER ENDS. DULL.</div>
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Kitten and Hip are the creepiest duo that ever happened.
Kitten is 28 and Hip is 53 (which is 'nearly 60' according to the panel. MEOW. Also, if he looks familiar, it's because he's the singer from Freak Power. Thanks, the internet!). They’re lovers and it’s weird. Louis thinks they’re
father and daughter to a frosty reception. OF COURSE they are all kinds of hot
mess. In every sense of the word. Kitten even says the words “It’s not awkward”
when it clearly is. The judges succeed in splitting them up. Breaking homes,
friendship and marriages for 11 series!</div>
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There’s a VT with a French girl and a boy that seems absolutely
fascinated with the concept of France.</div>
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The least said about the actual French girl the better.</div>
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The fact that the bit with the French girl is extended into
a “lol, forrins” section.</div>
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(The Italian in the pug jumper though).</div>
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We’re still pretending Cheryl and Simon hate each other.
YAWN.<br />
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The Sam Bailey Memorial Section For Women in Their 30s
Having Their Last Shot As Long As Their Makeover Doesn’t Reignite The Sexual
Spark In Their Relationship and They Get Pregnant and Ruin Everything.</div>
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I don’t like being reminded of Girl Thing.</div>
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I also have no desire to see the dreams of their former
members crushed. </div>
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So that’s it. Probably. We’ll let you know if we change our mind and come back next week/next year. For now though, it’s a comma, but not a full stop. Thanks for reading and commenting - we wouldn't have even made it this far without you!<br />
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(And as this show is now merely a rehash of a rehash of itself, feel free to reread our old recaps - they will probably tell you everything that's going to happen in this series anyway!)<br />
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We'll still be recapping the new series of <a href="http://theapprentbitch.blogspot.com/">The Apprentice</a> and <a href="http://strictlycomebitching.blogspot.com/">Strictly Come Dancing</a> when they start but our souls can't take much more of The X Factor - it's become way more cynical than we are - and who knew such a thing was possible?!<br />
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*Where 'definitely' equals we're unlikely to be doing long recaps here but may actually still watch and then feel skeevy about ourselves, and if we do, you can find us on Twitter: <a href="http://www.twitter.com/givesyouhel">Helen</a> <a href="http://www.twitter.com/radshef">Rad</a> <a href="http://www.twitter.com/stevenperkins">Steve</a> <a href="http://www.twitter.com/tellybitching">Tellybitching</a>. And possibly we may comment about this series on our own blogs from time to time, which can be found here: <a href="http://stevenperkins.wordpress.com/">Steve</a> <a href="http://radicaldepartures.wordpress.com/">Rad</a> </div>
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Helenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14309430718065420406noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-45233564498657099122013-12-17T23:22:00.002+00:002013-12-20T15:48:36.891+00:00Scot and Bailey<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/funeral-for-friend.html">Last night!</a> Two hours of bloat, a patented Nicole Scherzinger duet steal, a disappointing lack of face pizza, the discovery of 'haggis pakora' and the end of Luke Friend.<br />
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Tonight! Two more hours of bloat, because we're worth it, apparently, before Sam Bailey wins as well all knew she would from about week three or so. Gosh this whole series has just felt so <i>valid</i>, hasn't it? Foolishly, I watched this whole thing live on Sunday, but I was eating takeaway and drinking wine and didn't think it was the best time to recap it. Now the thought of wasting another two hours on this thing is making me seriously reconsider my life choices.<br />
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And also Katy Who? and SrEltonJohn duetting with fucking Funsponge. KILL ME NOW.<br />
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Oh Giant X, I do love your gold glittery costume tonight. If I could vote for you, I probably would.<br />
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Dermot enters, sans dancing girls, in a tux with another of those annoying scoop waistcoat things. He introduces our judges, making reference to 'GB, Gary Barlow' which I am totally taking as a shout-out to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjYN3SamCMM">this</a>, so hooray for pissy, slightly-rogue Dermot. (He was in cracking pissed and uncorporate form on the Xtra Factor - why can't you always be like that Dermot, instead of being a soulless stooge?)<br />
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The judges enter to 'Two Tribes'. Sharon's wearing red lace, Nicole some sort of scaly thing compiled from silver foil put through the shredder (I can only assume Sophie Ellis Bextor is stopping <a href="http://next%20up%20is%20the%20%27best%20voice%20we%27ve%20ever%20heard%27/">Brendan having ideas</a>), Louis tartan trousers. Funsponge is wearing an outfit that's as BORING AS BARLOW.<br />
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Time for the annual 'which contestant didn't come back for the group song' competition - this year it isn't, perhaps surprisingly, the heavily pregnant SeSe from Missed Dynamix, but Lorna. And Tamera's skirt. Oh, and Sam C sounds even more like arse than he did when he was on the show. They're doing 'Roar' and it's at least more tuneful than that 'thing' Katy Who? will do later. Rough Copy appear to have favoured cotton over leather tonight, I guess they're still raw from the chafing. Wee Nic and Sam then arrive looking ever more like a mother and son. And then they stand around for ages before the camera remembers to find Dermot. SO PROFESSIONAL.<br />
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Dermot recaps last night and that was long enough, plus Steve already went to the trouble of recapping it, so that's one for the fast forward button.<br />
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Ads! What is that KFC thing about? Is it trying and failing to be Lucy Spraggan? At least the girl has the good grace to look distinctly embarrassed and apologetic at the end.<br />
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Dermot welcomes us back by reminding us that one act from this show has had genuine, legitimate, worldwide success - yes, it's another Wand Erection performance because the guest book really has run dry (see also Katy Who?). Now, I have a bit of a soft spot for Wand Erection these days, but this song is just arse. It's some sort of 'rock' thing that sounds like a McFly B-side crossed with Joan Jett crossed with Def Leppard and then shoved into some sort of Borelowing blender of bland. AND they let Louis sing, which is never good.<br />
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Dermot calls Harry Harold, asks him if he's having Christmas off and if he's cooking turkey. Yes, he's having Christmas Day off, eating turkey, but he won't be cooking it. So now you know. Dermot then asks if they'll be spending Christmas together, because of course your work colleagues are the people you want around you on your day off. Resentful says no, they all hate each other. Dermot laughs awkwardly at this whilst Resentful remains stony-faced. Dermot asks what presents they get each other for Christmas and Resentful just looks at him like he's something he scraped off his shoe. Resentful Direction - you just made my evening, bless you. <i>[Resentful Direction gives me hope in a hopeless universe. I love him - Helen]</i><br />
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Dermot heads over to the judges where Sharon and Louis are talking and Dermot tells them off. They say they were discussing which of them will win and they both think Sharon. Louis says Shane's duet with Wee Nic was the best bit of last night because Shane didn't pinch the song like Nicole did. Sharon and Funsponge said Nicole and Sam's duet was the best bit. Dermot says that no-one thought Wagner was. I think <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/tvandradioblog/2013/dec/14/the-x-factor-2013-live-blog-the-final">Stuart Heritage at the Guardian might have</a> <i>[Cosign - Helen]</i>, Dermot. Incidentally, Stuart Heritage's live blog brought to my attention the existence of this photo, which is the very epitome of WE IZ SO HAPPEE HONEST and possibly my new favourite thing ever:<br />
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Louis says he hopes if he doesn't win, that Sharon will. Their names are Wee Nic and Sam, Louis. Everyone else wants Sam to win, obviously. You can just see the ghosts of X Factor boy winners past lurking around the place, can't you?<br />
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Half an hour in, you say? Maybe it's time for a song? Possibly? Wee Nic talks about wanting to do his favourite songs - which seem to be the ones from the weeks he topped the public vote. Louis suggests this isn't a great idea as Sam needs to win, so he can sing 'Angel' instead. Wee Nic says this is his mum's favourite song so he's happy with it. His performance is perfectly nice, with some random contemporary chair wafting and violinists as distractions.<br />
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Sharon reminds us that he is SEVENTEEN (anyone notice that their deramping of him began around the time he was no longer SIXTEEN?). Funsponge says he has a 'pretty good chance'. Nicole wants to buy the song on iTunes and curl up to it. She calls him an Angel with 'butter wings' - slippery and messy? Louis thanks him for his hard work and pleads for votes.<br />
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Wee Nic says it was an amazing moment and he thanks everyone who's supported him and he gives a little wave to his family. D'awww.<br />
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Ads. FUCK OFF OLLY MURS GO AWAY.<br />
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Louis shows us that Louis is wearing ill-fitting Tartan trousers - with that, his bow tie and velvet jacket, he reminds me of a young <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00kn6bv/profiles/the-second-doctor">Second Doctor</a>.<br />
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Sharon says it's the last time she'll introduce Sam (apart from the second song, obviously) and she has the 'best voice we've ever heard'. Oh Sharon, Nicole sang her off stage yesterday. Best voice of the twelve contestants you cobbled together this year, maybe, but even then Tamera, Hannah and Wee Nic when they're on form would have some claim to that title. Anyway, Sam Bailey is doing 'The Power of Love' for all the mams and she says it reminds her of being a kid because her mum liked it - and it's nice to remember that she's actually only my age (well a couple of years older) because the show does this weird thing to the over-25s where it automatically makes them all seem middle-aged. The FUNCTIONAL AND ATTRACTIVE PRODUCT PLACEMENT TABLET reminds Sam of her journey (drrrrrink!).<br />
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She's dressed in a dress that's very reminiscent of Sharon's. With that and Wee Nic looking like a Little Louis Walsh I think the mentor emulation has gone a bit too far this year. The song is very Sam, volume=good, nice tone, the people on Gogglebox will no doubt love it. The audience go mental.<br />
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Funsponge says she could have sung anything because she's awesome and people need to vote for her, not assume that she's won. Nicole loves her, Sharon calls her her 'friend forever'. How are Tabby and Andy Abraham these days, Mrs O? Sam feels at home on the stage. KILL THE CONFIDENT MONSTER. She thanks everyone for voting.<br />
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You know what this final needs? Another recap. Sharon calls it the tenth "anniversary" series. That midddle word isn't really accurate, dear. We then get a SHARON IS FABULOUS montage - to be fair, audition Sharon is quite fun, even if live shows Sharon can be awful. Funsponge's highlight? Fil and that time he threw a mug. Louis highlight? Melanie McCabe coming back and making him cry. Sharon's? Steph coming back and making her cry. Nicole cried, laughed, danced and says the yodeller 'brought me to life'. We then see Nicole calling Funsponge a grumpy old fart, but all the judges love each other. Apart from Nicole, who scha-loves them. Well, that was sweet and all, but can we have some content already?<br />
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Dermot reminds us that Funsponge is leaving which gets a huge clap. I'm giving it a standing ovation right now, Dermot. Funsponge says his highlight will be singing with his 'lifelong hero' Elton John. ALL ABOUT THE CONTESTANTS.<br />
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Ads! Oh look, JLS are still here. I'm thinking they're the musical equivalent of the Boy Who Cried Wolf. One day you really will split up, boys, and no-one will care, and then you'll be sorry.<br />
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Time for another 'special' guest! Despite the fact that she's on here about as often as the actual contestants (and more than, say, Lorna) It's Steve's nemesis Katy Who? She arrives in a cage, dressed as a bird - which I want to say is a tribute to someone, because surely a Kitty or Katie Weasel or Gaga did that once? She's performing 'Unconditionally' and it is bad - her live vocals are never great, but this is particularly ropey. Still, with Louis Direction, her and Funsponge performing, at least Wee Nic and Sam Bailey look like the best singers the world's ever heard in comparison. Dermot thanks her for coming and gets her to shill her tour and he does a 'we're gonna see you to-our' which is about as tuneful as she was just then.<br />
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Dermot asks Sam and Wee Nic how they feel. Sam says she's blessed. Wee Nic mumbles something because either his mic has cut out, or he's gone full Leon Jackson. Sam, in an anti-Scherzinger move, offers him her mic to thank everyone again.<br />
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Well, I think that's enough content, don't you? Ad time! Never mind, Abi Alton, next year that John Lewis ad could be yours.<br />
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Dermot introduces the finalists again as if we'd forgotten who they were and we see their journeys. Nerves, overcoming nerves, losing weight, being ORDINARY, loving their families. OK, there isn't much story for either of them, but it's kind of refreshing that this series has avoided 'My dad WHO IS DEAD' (even though Sam's is) and 'I hate my job' stories.<br />
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Wee Nic's song is called 'Superman' by Five For Fighting. I've never heard it before although it does suit his voice. Poor Wee Nic though, for all his 'I want to sing something current' - this sounds like something Funsponge would think is credible. It has the obligatory lyrics about inspiration and a patented Louis Walsh act key change. He acquits himself perfectly well, but can people take him singing 'I'm only a man' seriously given he's always called a little boy who is SIXTEEN then SEVENTEEN?<br />
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The judges give him a standing ovation, aoart from Boring Funsponge Tightpants Borelow, despite this being RIGHT UP HIS STREET. Weirdo. Sharon says he came into the show as a little boy and now he's a young man. What a birthday can do for you, huh? Funsponge says he's transformed a lot and he needs to take his experience and move forward. He congratulates him, because this basically is the 'you're done now, this is as far as you go' pat on the back. Nicole says he's defined himself as an artist and that's the kind of song he'll be singing. But Nicole! He don't wanna be Nic the boy who croons old songs no more! Wee Nic thanks the judges and his supporters. Caroline is with his mum who cries and reminds us he's SEVENTEEN and then Wee Nic thanks them all again and we see a video of his family and friends telling him they love him.<br />
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Sam's song is Demi Lovato's 'Skyscraper' which sounds like a more traditional winner's song insofar as it has a quiet bit that builds to lots of VOLUME=EMOTION. (Cue Nicole crying) It's overblown of course, but it's standard X Factor fare and as these things go, it's perfectly fine, and good on Sam for being the first female over winner, I guess. I mean, if she wins, obviously. May she enjoy a long run as Mama Morton as her career path demands and never have to wear an unflattering jumpsuit again.<br />
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She gets a standing ovation. Funsopnge tells her the nation loves her and she's had a massive 'second chance' (at this show, after her audition in 2007?). Nicole cries (a bit) and says she is 'the voice'. But I thought that was Andrea thingy that made Abi look redundant. Louis says that will be a number one record. Sharon is melting out of happiness that, unlike Funsponge, she's now finally won a series (well, almost). Sam has GROWN on her journey and says Sharon has been inspirational. Caroline is with Sam's husband and cute kids. Her husband uses the son as a puppet to say 'mummy's going to win'. Her mu m cries and her brother tries to hog the camera some, and then we get a video from her friends and family as well.<br />
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We haven't had a recap for a while, so how about another one? Of last night AND tonight? Such spoils.<br />
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Ads! How does Nicole magically get a shower on an aeroplane AND come out dry? No wonder they all want to know her secret.<br />
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Next! Our special guest! Elton John! (They've dispensed with the Sir for some reason, disrespectful beings). Oh and Funsponge. They're doing some boring thing on duelling pianos and although I quite like some of Elton's stuff, there's no way I need to re-listen to this or give Funsponge any more publicity - other than to say that his smugface here is worse than <a href="http://next%20up%20is%20the%20%27best%20voice%20we%27ve%20ever%20heard%27/">Andre Rieu's</a>. (Oh, and Elton's mic is way down and Funsponge's vocal is weak as piss). Dermot thanks Elton for finally deigning the show with his presence, even though he did a whole guest mentoring thing on <i>Pop Idol 2</i>. Elton's accent has gone very weird but he's had fun doing the shar and meeting the finalists on the shar and he takes another opportunity to praise Funsponge. What on earth did he have written into his contract to get all this praise? <i>[He didn't bloody blink. At all - Helen]</i><br />
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And finally! Dermot closes the phone lines. So that's the cue for yet more ads! Why must Olly Murs be in all these ad breaks?<br />
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O Fortuna plays as we welcome back Wee Nic, Sam, Louis and Sharon. The winner is......... Sam, because, duh. She got over one million votes - given that she got over 50%, it means less than two million votes were cast in the final. I'm not sure what they usually get, but that doesn't sound like a lot. Sharon cackles that victory is at last hers. Sam says she loves 'that boy to pieces, Nicky Macdonald, and he needs to get an album deal'. Aww. He says Sam was a hard one to beat and thanks everyone again. He's like the king of thankful, bless him. Dermot shows Sam the CD single because apparently they still exist, even when Andi Peters isn't watching them being made and she says she looks thin.<br />
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She sings her winner's song again and gets mobbed by the other finalists (except Lorna). Sadly, despite being in the vicinity, Harry Styles doesn't appear to tell her about all the pussy she'll get.<br />
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And so the show can now congratulate itself on overcoming two of its biggest curses: girl bands and over-25s women. What might they redeem in 2014? My money's on the most maligned of all the contestant types: the <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2005/09/boygirl-duos-are-fundamentally-bad.html">boy/girl duo</a>. (You may mock, but 'Sing em a song Della' and 'the poor boy's blind, Simon' remain my two favourite ever X Factor quotes. And don't deny it - you liked that time that Same Difference rollerskated. Also, boy/girl duets are totally where it's at - I mean: Starship, Roxette, Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes, Rene and Renata, Kylie Minogue and Nick Cave, Paula Abdul and MC Skat Cat...)<br />
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So - X Factor 2013 then. The general lack of inter-judge bickering is welcome. Bringing back the room auditions was a good idea, retaining the live ones notsomuch, the chair thing at boot camp definitely not, forcing Melanie McCabe to audition again absolutely not. The lack of fun in the live shows needs addressing: more novelty acts, or acts with personality, at any rate. Better theme weeks. The return of NotLouis. And whoever replaces Gary and Sharon to not be AutoPilotSimon or Cheryl (who has become more likeable again since leaving this show, just as she was more likeable before she joined it) and definitely not Olly Murs thnxpls.<br />
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To everyone who's been with us this year and suffered alongside, thank you from myself, Steve, and especially poor Helen who got lumbered with those dreadful live auditions <i>[I give and I give - Helen]</i> - and (assuming Olly Murs doesn't get a judging role, because ain't no way in hell I am watching that) we'll see you next year! <!--3--></div>
Radhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17031764260176803659noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-67388799875090309092013-12-16T21:43:00.000+00:002013-12-20T15:42:15.086+00:00Funeral for a Friend<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b>Final: Part 1 - 14th December 2013</b><br />
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"Five months ago, I was stood on the street busking," intones Luke as the sweet, sweet montage takes us into this year's final. "All I wanted was for someone to notice me." Does this sound like it's going to be the Very Special Story of his descent into prostitution to anyone else? Sam voices over that she's spent her life singing in half-empty social clubs, dreaming that one day she'd get a standing ovation that wasn't just Old Jim Scribbs getting up to empty his bladder. Wee Nick, meanwhile, simply used to sit in his classroom and daydream about being in <i>The X Factor</i> final. Considering that this show was created by Simon Cowell and has Gary Barlow as its head judge, I expect the occasional right wing sentiment to drift through, but are they really trying to paint Luke and Sam as strivers versus Wee Nick the skiver? Didn't we already get the story from Wee Nick about how his family have given up everything for him to run around Scotland singing for anyone who'll have him in the hope of getting his big break? <i>[It's all part of the Scotland Can Eff Off Because They're All On Benefits Even The Kids agenda. Makes me a bit sick to be honest. Either that or they just don't want another identikit male brunette winner - Helen]</i><br />
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Anyway, let's not get sidetracked quite so early on: tonight we're LIVE from Wembley Arena for <i>The X Factor </i>2013 final. We're reminded that a lot of hopeless people auditioned, in the hope that it will make those who got through to the Top 12 somehow look more impressive by comparison. Then the story of the three finalists flashes by with almost indecent haste, as do the respective fates of this year's finalists and future Pointless answers Lorna, Shelley, Missed Dynamix, Dalston Kingsland, Boy Sam, Joan Lewis, Hannah, Tamera and Rough Copy. Tonight, the final three will go head to head in front of a crowd of 10,000. I won't make any jokes about that being larger than the audience viewing at home, because there comes a point when kicking a show while it's down just becomes unsportsmanlike. Those still standing, in case we weren't aware, are Wee Nick, Sam Bailey and Luke Friend. It's Time! To Face! The Real World!<br />
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Giant X calls its agent and asks what the chances are of getting on the list for <i>Strictly Come Dancing</i> next year. It just wants to be loved again - really, is that so wrong?<br />
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At Wembley Arena, which as Dermot made a point of telling us last week is ALL THE WAY OVER THE ROAD from where the show is usually conducted, a group of dancing girls in gold tops and black PVC trousers throw themselves around to the strains of Van Halen's 'Jump' as Dermot gets lowered in from the ceiling on something that is wonky and unstable but extremely shiny. It's as good a metaphor for the series these days as any I can think of. Dermot's in a cut-too-small tuxedo this week, and commands the women surrounding him to "begone!", which suggests that the show only admires them for their decorative properties and not for their intellect or personality. Boo!<br />
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Dermot explains that the finalists will have to excel "time and time again" on this stage to earn your votes, which is a nice idea but the lines are going to be opened any second now, so the thought that they have to do anything at all to earn our votes is a bit of a pipe dream. Dermot adds that it's a big stage, but they've got big stars to fill it: One Direction, Katy Perry (OH CHRIST NOT AGAIN), Tom Odell, The Killers, Gary Barlow (OH JUST KILL ME NOW AND SAVE ME THE TORMENT) and also Sir Elton John, making his <i>X Factor</i> début about three years too late, but never mind eh?<br />
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The judges enter, accompanied by Europe's 'The Final Countdown' (oh how novel): Gary's in a black three-piece suit with another annoyingly skinny tie, Nicole's in a red sequinned dress, Sharon is all 80s hair and naked shoulders with a tight black dress, and Louis is in his trademark black brocade jacket with a black tie, presumably in pre-emptive mourning for his chances of winning up against the Sam Bailey train.<br />
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Dermot informs us that the theme this weekend is simple: "winning". I hope this means they have to do covers of songs by Charlie Sheen. The lines are declared officially open, so all pretence that any of tonight's performances really mean anything goes right out of the window.<br />
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Seven minutes into the show, so it's probably about time to get the contestants out here, isn't it? But before we can see them on stage, we must see them in video form as they stride along backlit corridors singing 'Lifted' by Naughty Boy featuring Emily Sunday. They've all been clad in metallic tones, with the effect that Wee Nick now looks like a junior boxing promoter, Luke looks like if Blazin' Squad had a sudden lotto win, and Sam looks like <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YuSsSwg9MXs">that thing that Vera turns into at the end of <i>Superman III</i></a>. Of course, once we get to the chorus the trio emerge from behind the giant screens to sing together on the stage, surrounded by dancers and people hanging upside down from hoops in the air with fireworks coming out of their ankles. Also, all three of them attempt a dramatic air-punch to signal the end of the song, but Sam's is the only one that lands: Wee Nick's arm barely even mores and Luke just looks more like the Artful Dodger about to invite us all to consider ourselves at home.<br />
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Dermot refers to them as "the cream of Devon, the pride of Leicester and the bonny prince of Glasgow". Ever get the feeling that they got as far as "the cream of Devon" and realised they didn't really have suitable analogies for the other two? Personally I would've gone for "the Walkers Crisps of Leicester and the whisky of Glasgow." Dermot asks them all how it feels to be here, and Wee Nick giggles that he's had the time of his life and he can't really believe it. Sam says that she's "buzzing", and Luke says that the crowd is amazing and he can't wait to sing more songs to them. Thrilling stuff.<br />
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Right, so remember how last week was <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/dont-let-sun-go-down-on-be-yonce.html">Elton John vs Beyoncé week</a>? You might have thought that was a nonsense at the time but it turns out that the show HAD A PLAN UP ITS SLEEVE ALL ALONG (/has just negotiated a convenient asspull at the last minute). Obviously Elton John makes sense because he'll be here later, but what of Beyoncé? Well, last night the contestants were gathered in rehearsals for a special message involving an "unbelievable prize", as Beyoncé appears on screen to tell them that this year's winner gets to be her support act on the UK leg of her Mrs Carter tour next year. She's smiling, but it does have a faint whiff of "I heartily endorse this event or product" about it, to the point where I wonder if they had to use CGI to remove the person holding the gun to her head. Still, Sam, Nick and Luke are excited about this great opportunity for Sam. Er, "the winner". The winner. Back at the Arena, Sam mumbles that she's probably going to have to learn how to dance. Oh my god, she thinks she's going to win! GET BACK WITH YOUR FOUL CONFIDENCE, YOU WITCH!<br />
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Ad break. The ads at this time of year always make my abject failure to put any Christmas decorations up in my flat feel especially shaming. <i>[I have a tree-shaped 'decoration stand' from Ikea. It will do - Helen]</i><br />
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When we return, Dermot mumbles something about eight million tweets and seven-and-a-half million followers on Facebook have made the show the most talked-about in the UK. <i>The X Factor</i> really is a bit sad when it doesn't have mammoth viewing figures to crow about, isn't it? Dermot suggests that we might want to download the app if we want to continue interacting in a social media style, even though he's just told us how many millions of people are doing it in an app-free fashion.<br />
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Then it's over to Louis, who would like to remind us that "I have two acts in the final, <i>Gary</i>, <i>Nicole</i>." Oh, Louis. Those aren't the names of your acts. Up first tonight is Wee Nick, who got helicoptered back tae Motherwell this week for his home visit. First on the itinerary was a return to St Aiden's High School, where everyone was clapping and cheering for him, apparently. I kind of wish we'd got to see the stoner kids sitting by the trees all "who's back from where now?" but I guess that doesn't really fit the story they want to tell here. Nicholas thanks everyone at school for their support, but appears not to sing for them. Then he goes back to see his parents and the assembled mob outside their house, with Louis in hot pursuit. Louis, Wee Nick and Wee Nick's parents sit together on their giant red sofa, and Wee Nick gets all emotional about how much his parents have given him over the years. His mum insists that he doesn't owe them anything, because he's the best son ever. D'awww. Finally, he went to Motherwell Concert Hall to do a big gig, where he calls his little sister up on stage and dedicates 'Someone Like You' to her, which is no less creepy than <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/the-heebie-gbs.html">the last time he did it</a>.<br />
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Finally, at 22 minutes into the show, we get our first competitive performance of the evening: Wee Nick singing 'Candy' by Robbie Williams. He descends onto the stage in a giant candy-striped hot air balloon, and is immediately surrounded by a gymnastic troupe all dressed in pastel-coloured outfits doing tricks all around him. Wee Nick looks slightly baffled by everything that's going on around him, to be perfectly honest, and also seems to have trouble locating the camera at various points during the song. Still, it sounded all right.<br />
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Sharon opens for the judges saying the performance was "just like a giant Willy Wonka factory". She adds that the final is "no time to critique" (so why are you here then?) but she just wants to tell him well done. Gary thinks that the final is all about playing to one's strengths, and he thinks Wee Nick didn't do that tonight because that song (<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candy_(Robbie_Williams_song)">co-written by Gary Barlow</a>, incidentally, who could've voiced his objections when the song was being cleared but probably didn't because he likes sitting on that big pile of tax-free money) didn't showcase his voice. He understands that Wee Nick wants to be versatile, but THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR SUCH FRIPPERY! Drunkole slurs that she thinks "Nicky Blue Eyes" can sing ANYTHING, and that watching that performance was quite a trippy experience. And she should know. She loves that her "little Scottish lamb" has grown into a Scottish lion. Okay. Louis says that Gary has never given Wee Nick any credit from day one (I mean, I'm all for piling on to Borelow at any available opportunity, but this seems like revisionist history at its most spurious). He says that Wee Nick is a dream contestant and a great role model, and he hopes that Scotland votes for him.<br />
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Dermot picks up on Gary's issues with the song choice, and he and Louis remember that Gary wrote it at the exact same time. Borelow acknowledges this, but drones that Wee Nick is a ballideer at heart. Quite what use anybody has for a 17-year-old crooner in this day and age is anyone's guess. I mean, that was Ray Quinn's USP and nobody was interested in that back then either, and it's not like Wee Nick even has <i>Dancing On Ice </i>to fall back on any more. Wee Nick says that opening the final is an honour, and he wanted to have fun, so that's why he wanted to do that song - to show that he's not too serious. <i>[Or, alternatively, because the show wanted to bus him hard - Rad]</i><br />
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Now for everyone's favourite part of the final - looking at weird shit with the contestants' faces on it! Caroline Flack is in the audience with Wee Nick's supporters. One man has a giant pyramid of "Nicky's favourite, Scottish haggis pakora", <i>[*wipes away a tear of Nationalistic pride - Helen]</i> while someone else has brought a cake that required its own seat on the plane apparently, and Wee Nick's friends are there to yet again suggest that the entirety of Scotland is behind Wee Nick. Caroline fluffs the obvious joke by saying "is it true about guys wearing kilts?" Yes, Caroline, it is true, there are two of them right next to you. She eventually remembers to ask what's underneath, and the friends obligingly flash their pants with "Vote Nicky" written across their arses. Dermot asks Wee Nick what a haggis pakora is, and Wee Nick says he's not sure, because he's never had. Dermot splutters that the Obviously Credible Man in the audience just said that it was Wee Nick's favourite, and Wee Nick says he's only ever had normal haggis. Well, he's young, there's still plenty of time to broaden his horizons. Dermot sends Wee Nick on his way, and only then remembers to thank the dancers, the Unity Allstar Black Cheerleaders.<br />
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Over to Sharon next, who promises that the next performance is "no gimmicks...all about the voice". Which does pose the question: would Sam Bailey have got anywhere on <i>The Voice UK? </i>I think at best she might have got on to Team Tom, but I imagine she would've been too in-the-club-style for anyone else to turn around. Anyway, Sam's VT sees her also heading home, to Leicester in her case, where her adoring public and adorable kids are waiting. Sam's Devoted Husband says that he has a very special message for her from someone she hasn't seen: Sam's nan Rita who appears on the TV to tell her that she's sorry she can't be there, but she loves her very much and knows that Sam's grandfather would be bursting with pride if he could see her now. This is all very moving but I'm stunned that it is happening on a medium that is not a Product Placement Tablet. How very off-message. It's not even a Samsung TV, for crying out loud. Anyway, Rita gets all teary, as does Sam. Having just taken Sam back to the bosom of her family, the show promptly whiskes her away again to Eyres Monsell Social Club, where she used to sing, and where another crowd of people are waiting to lose their shit the minute she arrives. Then Sharon Osbourne turns up, pulls a pint for Sam's husband, and Sharon and Sam do 'The Shoop Shoop Song' on the karaoke. Honestly, if this is all we're getting of Mentor Duets this year, I am going to KICK. OFF. I will settle for nothing less than Louis and Luke performing a rousing cover of Westlife's 'Bop Bop Baby'. <i>[if Louis and Sharon had done mentor duets, I GUARANTEE the show would have had higher ratings, more YouTube hits, tweets and everything else they need to feel like their existence is valid. Such a waste. - Rad] </i>Sharon tells the crowd that Sam is going to put Leicester on the map. Then Sam is taken off to perform her homecoming gig at Athena Leicester, which Google informs me is a "wedding, dinner and conference venue" (showbiz!) and Sam invites the crowd "to have a bit of a sing-song". Continuing the evening's trend of bizarre and inappropriate dedications, she gets her kids up on stage and sings Emily Sunday's 'Clown' to them. Sam vows that she's ready to win this competition - for her family, of course.<br />
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Back at Wembley, Sam takes to the stage in a blue jumpsuit to sing Lady Gaga's 'The Edge Of Glory', surrounded by (I shit you not) a makeshift prison and dancers dressed as sexy leather-clad convicts. Well, I guess they haven't actually reminded us that she used to be a prison warder so far this evening, so I suppose I can give them this one. It is really bizarre to watch, though, and really does nothing to dispel my inclination that this whole series is just Sam's extended audition for the part of Mama Morton. There's a gratuitous key change that pushes the song <i>just </i>out of Sam's range, but no one seems to mind terribly much. <i>[She's on the Meaty Minge trajectory alright - Helen]</i><br />
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Gary tells Sam that she used everything she had in her toolbox, "and you hit us all with it". He says that he can't think of any more good things to say about Sam, and that this is her weekend. Drunkole screams that Sam sung the <i>pants </i>off of that song, and calls her "Samazing". I can't believe Nicole actually dropped the "sha" out of her bag of catchphrases - she really must be impressed. She calls Sam "a beast and a force to be reckoned with". Louis calls her "a class act" with "a world-class recording voice", and then plays for the feminist vote by saying that she and Sharon are "two strong women together". I guess he figured there wasn't really much feminist vote-grabbing to be done for Luke or Wee Nick, so he could afford to lose that particular demographic. Sharon picks up the baton and runs with the idea of "Woman Power", and says that hard work has got Sam here, and she hopes that her fans back her for one more week to get her that victory.<br />
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Dermot arrives and asks Sam if her "light entertainment prison" is like that. If anyone's qualified to recognise light entertainment prison when he sees it, I think Dermot must be by this point. He asks Sam to cuff him because he wants in, and Sam says she'd rather cuff Gary. Poor Dermot - he'll never get to be Top Dog at this rate. Sam says that this feels like what she was born to do, and that she put every ounce of energy into that song.<br />
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From there we throw to Caroline, who's up in the nosebleed seats with some of Leicester City Football Team. I don't follow the sports so I have no idea specifically which ones they are, but to be fair, the guy who speaks seems like he has no idea who Sam Bailey is either, and has the general air of someone who is here solely due to contractual obligations. Then, in a moment that was clearly meant to be awesome and heartwarming and turns out to be anything but, Caroline reveals that Sam's nan Rita, who said she wasn't going to be able to be here tonight, HAS BEEN HERE ALL ALONG. The trouble is that Rita appears to be on the verge of a panic attack at having cameras shoved in her face, and says very tearfully "I'm sorry I look so old and I don't want to embarrass you" ("YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL!" Caroline hoots), going on to say in an increasingly emotional voice that she loves to hear Sam sing and could listen to her "forever and a day". Nobody is quite prepared for how upset Rita sounds, least of all Caroline, who looks fairly terrified at having to wrap this segment up. Still, that's what ITV get for dragging a frail pensioner onto a live television event and a high pressured environment just to generate some cheap sentiment, because I'd imagine a lot of people weren't so much moved by Rita's admittedly lovely words as they were wondering whether Rita should be here at all rather than in the comfort and safety of her own home where Caroline Flack would not be pestering her for soundbites. Sam tells Rita that she loves her to pieces, and she knows that her grandfather would've loved to be here tonight. Dermot patronises Rita further: "You're hot! You don't look old!" Good grief.<br />
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Ads. I'm very excited about the <i>Vicious </i>Christmas special, and I don't care who knows it.<br />
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When we return, Dermot is thrusting a microphone into the face of a child of the corn in the audience, who tells us that her favourite is Sam Daley. Oops. Still, we haven't time to dwell on misspeakings as it's time to head to Teignmouth for Luke's home visit. As we know by now, there are people outside his house (not that many, it has to be said). Luke greets his brother and sister, both of whom seem to wash their hair like normal people. Luke thanks his parents for their general awesomeness, and then goes off to Lemon Jelli, which is the café where he used to do gigs. There are substantially more people here, and Louis arrives as well. Then it's off to the Great Hall at Exeter University, where Luke's fans are waiting for him to do his homecoming gig. Louis trots onto the stage and asks if Luke can win <i>The X Factor</i>. The crowd, surprisingly, do not scream "LOL NO". Luke plays for the crowd and declares it the best day of his life, and says that this has given him an idea of what it would be like to win the competition.<br />
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Luke arrives on stage in black and red, singing 'We Are Young' by the Fundots. For some reason he's performing on top of a giant fake Underground carriage. Is it because he's a busker? Because we don't usually let them get on the actual trains, and we definitely don't let them climb onto the roof. Safety first, and all that. We don't want buskers getting decapitated in the tunnels, it'd make the Northern Line even slower than it already is. Anyway, I like that the staging includes a couple of "commuters" who are doing their best to ignore the idiot on the roof and the dancing twits all around them. Finally I feel like there's someone on the stage who I can identify with.<br />
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Sharon tells Luke that she hopes tonight is the <i>actual </i>best day of his life, and he's come a long way. Gary says that he was sad to lose Rough Copy last week, but it was more bearable knowing that Luke would be taking their place. (I'd get angry about Gary trying to grab a slot in the final by association, but come on, we all know that Luke's finishing third.) Gary opines that the verses were a bit too low for Luke, but he really felt the choruses came alive, so he hopes people vote on the choruses and not the verses. Nicole likes that he has "a small nation of dancers" and thinks that he brings "a whole 'nother cool factor" to the show, adding that the people love him. Just not over the last couple of weeks. Louis says that Luke has potential to sell records worldwide, but Devon needs to vote for him otherwise he might not be here tomorrow night.<br />
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Dermot arrives and tells Louis to stop screaming for support: "You should run for an MP or something." That's an excellent idea: I'm going to go on a sprint tomorrow and dedicate it to Stella Creasy. Dermot tells Luke that he's "the least commercial in the classic sense" of everyone here, which I think is a polite way of saying "you are not getting many votes and you can kiss goodbye to any chance of post-show stardom". Luke says it's amazing to be in the final and to play to the crowd, and he wants to do this for the rest of his life.<br />
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Up in the roof again, we have Caroline who hands Luke's dad Steve some tissues, and Steve says that it's out of this world to see Luke singing in this arena. (Also, seriously, what is with sticking all the family members in the cheap seats?) Caroline draws our attention to someone who hasn't washed his hair for five months "in honour of Luke" (yeah, sure), and then someone has brought Luke's lucky lobster all the way up from Teignmouth. "It really smells," remarks Caroline. Well, this year's round of Shit With The Finalists' Faces On has been deeply disappointing. Not a single pizza with Luke's dreadlocks made of anchovies or anything. It's like nobody gives a toss any more, isn't it? Dermot has learned no lessons from the Haggis Pakora incident and asks Luke if he's a lobster guy, and Luke's all "...sure?"<br />
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Ad break. Mmm, Waitrose.<br />
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When we're back in the arena, Dermot teases the upcoming celebrity duets, but before of any of that, he wants us all to think about what a series it has been, what with the return of the room auditions (tick, v.g.), the return of "Mrs O" (feh) and "the most dramatic boot camp ever" (oh give me strength). Despite the fact that few people were interested in any of this the first time around, apparently it's necessary for us to watch a black-and-white compilation of highlights from this year while Tom Odell bleats 'Another Love' on the stage. Tom Odell, good god. If they were to wheel out Rebecca Ferguson to duet with him, we'd have half the barnyard right there on the stage--hold on a minute, the phone's ringing. Hello? Oh, Mr Odell, hi. Yes, I did say that your son sounded like a sheep. Yes, I realise that that could be considered hurtful. Yes, I do know that he's got a Brit award. Oh, I'm quite aware that no one really cares what some blogger thinks. No, I won't print a retraction. What do you mean, why not? Because he does sound like a bloody sheep, that's why. Look, I've got a recap to finish, can I call you back later? You can shout at me as much as you want when I've published this. Okay, great, speak to you then.--Sorry about that, everyone. Remind me to go ex-directory in future.<br />
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Once that's all over, it's time for the Celebrity Duets round. Since we're not bothering to have any sort of pretense of suspense surrounding this part of the show like we used to, Dermot announces straight-up that the first duet will be Luke and Ellie Goulding. All right then. In his VT, Luke says that Louis has been a brilliant mentor (he leaves out the part about <a href="http://tellymix.co.uk/reality-tv/the-x-factor/168633-x-factor-2013-luke-friend-admits-hed-prefer-sharon-osbourne-as-a-mentor.html">how he would've preferred Sharon</a>) who has supported him and believed in him the whole way through. Louis tells Luke that he's lined up someone who's sold "20 million records all around the world" - Ellie Goulding. "I remember watching Ellie Goulding performing on the live shows a couple of weeks ago," says Luke. Well, yes. I'd be worried if you couldn't. Luke asks Ellie what she wants to do with the song, and Ellie thinks it'd be cool if they both played guitar. WHOA, STEADY ON THERE MS ROCK 'N' ROLL!<br />
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They're singing 'Anything Could Happen' <i>[Appen - Rad]</i>, which is right up in the uncomfortable end of Luke's range but you can't really hear him that much once Ellie arrives, so that's fine. Anyway, I'm more disturbed by the fact that the camera keeps cutting to a group of women all dressed in black, standing in lines in the aisles and clapping. They look like they belong to a cult.<br />
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Dermot asks Ellie what advice she has for Luke, and Ellie says that he doesn't need advice because he's so amazing and cool, and she's really rooting for him. She thinks she needs to take a leaf out of his book, if anything, she declares.<br />
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Up next, Wee Nick and Shane Filan. God, we couldn't even stretch to the whole of Westlife? Poor Wee Nick. I'm almost starting to think they're bussing him with all the creative decisions they've made for him tonight. In his VT, Wee Nick thanks Louis for everything he's done for him, and then does a shockingly poor Louis impression that sounds more like Groucho Marx. Louis tells Wee Nick that his duet partner is someone who's believed in him from the start, and Wee Nick is all "...it's Shane, isn't it?" Shane remembers that Wee Nick was the one who made him cry at Judges' Houses, and makes him swear that he won't do that again on the night.<br />
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They're singing 'Flying Without Wings', of course. (Seriously, though? Why is there never any love for 'Bop Bop Baby'?) For some strange reason, they're nowhere near each other for the vast majority of the duet, which makes it all look rather inelegant. And it's not like we've got a particularly exciting song to listen to in the meantime, is it? Still, eventually they're on stage together and there's a gospel choir in the background and all is right in the <i>X Factor </i>universe.<br />
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Dermot appears, and Shane recalls that very special moment when he advised Louis to take Wee Nick through to the live shows, which proved to be a fruitful decision. Especially for Shane, because he needed this gig tonight, what with the bankruptcy and all. Dermot tells Shane "you've sung that song so many times" (HA!) and asks how Wee Nick did with it, and Shane confidently declares that Wee Nick nailed it.<br />
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Adverts. Snow, snow, snow, festive things, tralala.<br />
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Rounding out the duets round, it's Sam and Nicole Scherzinger. Wow, Sharon must have walked all the way down the corridor to arrange this one! Also, if I were Sam, I would be consulting the tech crew constantly to ensure that Nicole has a working mic, after what happened to <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/loud-was-voice-of-maloney-goatherd.html">poor Jahméne</a> last year. Sharon tells Sam that this has been her best <i>X Factor </i>experience ever (possibly because it's the only one where she stood even the slightest chance of winning), and Sam says that she wanted Sharon as her mentor from the second she got out of the car at Boot Camp. Sharon and Sam do the whole "BFFs for life" thing, and then Nicole can't even wait long enough for Sharon to do the big reveal before walking in. Nicole tells Sam that they'll be singing 'And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going' from <i>Dreamgirls</i>.<br />
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So Sam and Nicole...ah, you know what? This stands no chance of being the best reality-show-contestant-duets-with-famous-person-in-the-final version of this song, so let's just ignore Sam and Nicole's version and watch the definitive one:<br />
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I mean, come on. Once you've seen Jennifer Holliday attempt to unhook her jaw and swallow Jessica Sanchez whole, any other interpretation can only disappoint.</div>
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Dermot asks Nicole how it was to sing with Sam, and Nicole completely ignores the question and instead launches into a monologue about how brilliant Sharon Osbourne is and how this series wouldn't have been the same without her. Honestly, I think you could've substituted Sharon Osbourne for a Leyland cypress and it would have made not a jot of difference to the outcome of this series. I can't imagine that Sam's inevitable victory has much to do with Sharon's mentoring. Anyway, Dermot's all "YES, BUT WHAT ABOUT SAM" and Nicole says that it was an honour to share the stage with her. Sam compliments Nicole on her amazing range and says that this was the highlight of the night for her.</div>
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Dermot covers his face with his hand despairingly (dude, I'm right there with you) says that all the finalists can do now is sit and wait (FOR THIRTY EFFING MINUTES) to find out if they'll be continuing through to tomorrow. We get a recap of this evening's six competitive performances. The selected clip of Sam's rendition of 'The Edge Of Glory' makes it sound like she's singing "I'm haring on a Mormon with you". </div>
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So, remember how they used to do those group performances of failed auditionees in the final? Well, it looks like they got fed up of all the comments saying that they were exploiting the mentally ill, and instead they're going to do a group performance from a load of the eccentric acts who actually made the live shows instead. We begin with a VT that hints at some of the people we might get to see: Same Difference, Katie Weasel, Wagner, Jedward, Kitty Brucknell, Diva Fever, 2 Shoes, Johnny Robinson and Rylan. Naturally, Gary tries to rewrite history to pretend their relationship was all matey-matey-jokey-jokey rather than acknowledge the part where he went into a massive sulk for about six weeks and held Rylan personally responsible for the fact that not a single person in the entire country could be persuaded to give the tiniest of shits about Carolynne Poole and her disingenuous quest to be the UK's answer to Carrie Underwood. Also, Nicole calls Rylan "my Sha-Ry". I will be singing that to the tune of 'My Sharona' for the rest of the week.</div>
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And here they all are! Well, most of them. Apparently Same Difference were already booked to do something else, and God only knows where Katie Weasel was. But we begin with Kitty Brucknell sailing in from the ceiling on a glitterball singing 'Live And Let Die'. The crane drops her on the ground so that her back is to the camera, which seems fairly inkeeping with the faintly amateurish nature of tonight's proceedings, and apparently Kitty has forgotten the first rule of famewhoring, which is LOOK AT THE CAMERA SO WE CAN SEE WHO YOU ARE. I swear, I thought she was Amelia Lily for a good 10 seconds, until I remembered that while I might class her as a joke act, this show probably doesn't. Then Jedward are lowered onto the stage to sing their mash-up of 'Ice Ice Baby' and 'Under Pressure', and they're starting to look like actual adults now, which makes the whole thing slightly less fun than it used to be. ("I'll take 'sentences that accidentally make you sound like a paedophile' for $100, Alex.") Then, in what feels like some glorious fever dream, Wagner is driven on playing the bongos and singing 'Lob Shack', while Johnny Robinson sits on the judges' desk and Diva Fever leer into the camera. 2 Shoes are there as well, but don't really get much camera time. Then Rylan comes out with his midriff exposed to sing 'Spice Up Your Life' and remind us that he's far more successful than anyone else from his series. (It's baffling to me that Rylan was only on this show a year ago. It feels like decades at this point.) By far the best bit is when it all ends and Lucy from 2 Shoes has this exquisite "right, now just give me the money and let me go" look on her face. I feel you, Lucy. Truly, I feel you. <i>[This was, in all honesty, the best thing to happen on television this year for me. I squee'd through the whole thing and cheered at the end. I am unashamed - Helen]</i></div>
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Dermot releases them by referring to them as "<i>The X Factor</i>'s most memorable contestants", which is such a wonderful (if unintended) slam on all those bores who actually won. He gives us a five minute warning before <strike>nuclear attack</strike> the lines close, and then Olly Murs tells us that if we audition, we can be a famous bellend too, and we go to an ad break, where we learn that <i>Take Me Out </i>is back in the new year. I am all over the <i>Splash!</i>/<i>Take Me Out </i>scheduling double-whammy, baby.</div>
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After the break, Dermot informs us that the vote has now officially been frozen, so we shouldn't call for the time being. Well, that's a relief. While the producers <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvvHdNSR60g">count the votes</a>, it's time for another musical guest. OVER 25 MILLION RECORDS SOLD WORLDWIDE! 2 BRITS, 2 MTV AWARDS, 7 NME AWARDS, 2 Q AWARDS! (LOL at the idea of anyone at all caring about Q Awards. I didn't even know they still existed.) 4 UK NUMBER ONE ALBUMS! RUINED FOREVER WHEN DAVID CAMERON SAID HOW MUCH HE LIKED THEM! THE KILLERS! I was pleased to see that most people took this performance as an opportunity to express on Twitter how very much they still "would" Brandon Flowers in a variety of explicit ways. <i>[He looks... odd these days. Like Ricky Martin gone wrong - Rad]</i> Honestly, my poor, pure, delicate mind is still recovering from the filth I read on Saturday night. I'm fairly certain some of it was physically impossible, and a good chunk of the rest would've left him unable to walk for several weeks afterwards. Poor Brandon. Anyway, they do 'Human' and 'Mr Brightside', and afterwards Dermot slinks up oleaginously to ask Brandon how it feels to have a Greatest Hits album out. "It's great," says Brandon. Dermot asks him how it was to play the final, and Brandon says that he felt good about it. Hmm. Maybe Brandon read what everyone wanted to do to him on Twitter and that's why he's not super-chatty right now. He probably just wants to rush off stage and file several thousand restraining orders. The Killers, everyone!</div>
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Ad break. I don't really want to go to McDonald's at Christmas, but thanks for thinking of me.</div>
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As we slump exhaustedly into the final leg of tonight's show, Dermot welcomes the finalists back to the stage. In no particular order, the first act through to Sunday's show is...Sam. Well, duh. Thankfully the show resists the urge to have yet another sing-off, though I'm sure they at least considered it at some point, and instead goes straight to telling us who's got the other spot - it's Wee Nick.</div>
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So Luke finishes third, Louis wanders offstage because apparently he's done now, and we look at Luke's best bits. They mostly revolve around dirty hair and Barlow-appeal, neither of which do a lot for me if I'm honest. When we return to the arena, Louis has somehow made his way back onto the stage. Dermot reminds Luke that he was the first auditionee we saw (<a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/room-with-ewww.html">so he was</a>). Luke says that he knows he was the underdog, but he made it here and he's going to keep writing music for all of us. Don't rush on my account, dude. Louis says that Luke's going to have an amazing career. Luke says that Louis has been a great mentor. Dermot asks Luke what he's looking forward to now, and he replies "getting out there and gigging" like the archetypal young muso we all knew he was. Louis sticks his head in to say that the tour is going to be amazing, and everybody's on it. (Apart from Lorna. And Shelley. And Missed Dynamics. And Dalston Kingsland. But everybody apart from them.) Dermot tells Luke that he's a gentleman, a scholar and an acrobat, and that's it for Luke.</div>
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Dermot summons Sam and Wee Nick back out and informs us that the phone lines are now open again for us to continue voting for Sam, and also that other guy who's there next to her, although we shouldn't feel too compelled to do that. Dermot asks Wee Nick how it feels to be in the final two, and Wee Nick laughs in his face. Sam says she's overwhelmed, because it's all been the last chance saloon for her (I'm not sure why - there's no upper age limit on this show and it's going to be on for at least another three years).</div>
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Dermot encourages us to tune in tomorrow for the final final, featuring Katy Perry, One Direction, Gary Barlow and Sir Elton John, with occasional glimpses of Wee Nick and Sam. Thankfully I don't have to sit through that a second time because Rad will be recapping all of that. I wish her the very best of British luck.</div>
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Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-6071233920783117192013-12-09T22:41:00.001+00:002013-12-11T20:46:12.260+00:00Rough cop-out <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b>Top Four Results – 8<sup>th</sup>
December 2013<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Hello and welcome back to my last results recap of the
series! I began my recap of<a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/dont-let-sun-go-down-on-be-yonce.html"> LAST NIGHT</a> by saying that this series was boring as
ARSE and Steve rightly pointed out that this sullied the good name of arse so I
have to sully a name that is already muck with all of us. This series has been
as boring as BARLOW. You heard me. I went there. Oh yes, I totally went there.
I say the unsayable. It’s like they let him be the boss or something. Anyway, I’ve
heard rumours that this is his last series. Let’s hope he goes out on a high.
(SPOILER ALERT – AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA *breathes*
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)</div>
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So anyway, we begin with a serious looking Durrobot in a
blue suit with a checked hankie and a SRS FASS telling us that one of the acts
will get the boot before the final. So one act goes a week? I didn’t understand
that before now, what a fool I’ve been.</div>
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LAST NIGHT the semi finals kicked off apparently? Really? I
thought it was boring as Barlow. We see some bits of last night’s show which we
watched last night but that doesn’t matter because they’re attempting to throw
a stick into the spokes of the unstoppable Nicholas juggernaut because they
seem to have decided that its Sambailey’s for the taking. Let’s see how subtle
we are over the final weekend, eh? Anyway, it’s BOOBLAY’S IN THE FRIDGE and
LEONA BARLOW on tonight. Nicole thinks it’s it. Louis is smugging over Nicole
losing and Funsponge and Nicole argue over the pronunciation of huge. [<i>Everyone knows the answer is "yooge". - Steve</i>] IT’S TIME
TO FACE THE MUSIC.</div>
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Apparently we’ve to welcome Dermot as our host. I think
Durrbot needs to welcome himself and get some self respect, innit. He better
check himself and I’m gonna allow it and various other street tings. He reminds us that BOOBLAY’S IN THE FRIDGE
and Leona are on tonight because it’s been 20 seconds since it was last
mentioned. He remarks on the fact that the judges haven’t fought this series.
That’s because it didn’t work last series. Louis is in black brocade. Sharon is
in a black version of last night’s silver dress. Nicole is missing a skirt and
Funsponge is in black velvet. The camera moves before we can see Nicole stumble
into her seat again. NUMBERS!</div>
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So apparently the finalists love singing, so that’s what
they’re going to do. They’re singing a too slow version of Signed, Sealed,
Delivered. Tonight’s theme colour is blue. They make Rough Copy stand at the
back whilst the other three stand in front of them. It’s almost as if they want
to separate them from the rest. The camera is mainly on Sambailey. If I didn’t
know that they were pushing her so hard now I would suspect that the person on
camera had a bit of a crush on her. Anyway, Rough Copy do the legs for the mams
but they’re probably doomed, even though they’re the only ones that can sing
this with any conviction.</div>
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So we’ve not had any form of recap for a while, so Durrbot
leads us into one. He takes the piss out of Funsponge’s technical talk and
Louis’ obsession with seventeen. He also makes reference to Sharon’s backpack
hate and Nicole’s Shiitake Mushrooms. But first, the story of last night. Luke
enjoyed his performance and had fun. Sharon thinks he’s become a good
entertainer. Nicholas wants to nail his next performance. Louis thinks he’ll come
out fighting. Sambailey is glad she got through it without messing up the
words. Rough Copy would rather go all out than half cocked. SECOND PERFORMANCE –
Louis thinks Nicholas did indeed nail the second song, as did Nicholas. Luke
has done everything he can and he’s hoping and praying to get into the final.
Rough Copy think it’s all about the
vocals, the passion and the moment and Sambailey tried to put her own spin on
it and she’s glad they liked it. Funsponge thinks she’ll be hard to beat. </div>
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BUT IF THAT WASN’T EXCITING ENOUGH, HERE’S LEONA! She’s sold
over 20 MILLION RECORDS and has been NUMBER ONE IN 30 COUNTRIES and is THE MOST
SUCCESSFUL X FACTOR WINNER EVER. Yet,
despite all this she is still as boring as BARLOW. [<i>Although I do think she comes across as surprisingly fun in <a href="http://www.popjustice.com/interviewsandfeatures/leona-lewis-winter-wonderland-interview/122091/">this interview</a>. - Steve</i>]Leona is singing a Christmas
song and has let a five year old hyped up on Chupa Chups design her set. She’s
got fairy wings behind her and a gigantic skirt that gives way to dancing trees
and presents. The song is called One More Sleep and I wish I was making that
up. It’s like some kind of Disney Princess fever dream. She’s blates had a nose
job too. Oh Leona. WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU? Durrbot refers to the travesty as
an extravaganza and wonders if Nicole enjoyed her Santa. She says Merry
ShaChristmas. I don’t know if Nicole will be allowed to speak much in the
final. APPARENTLY Leona has a whole Christmas
album! Who wouldn’t want that? Um, I dunno, people with EARS? Durrbot wants to
know what advice she’s got for the contestants. She says that they’ve got to
top their last performances and put their best feet forward. Durrbot presses
her to say who her favourite is. She’s obviously uncomfortable answering the question
so he pushes it some more and she eventually says she and Sambailey have been
messaging on Twitter so her. Leona is also happy to see Sharon. FIVE MINUTE
WARNING!</div>
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ADVERTS!</div>
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When we return it’s time for BOOBLAY’S IN THE FRIDGE.
Durrbot says that his mum loves him and in a parallel universe he could be his
stepdad. Um, Durrbot, any shit can happen in a parallel universe because they
are MADE UP. So here he is, for the Mams.
He’s won 3 GRAMMY AWARDS and has sold 40 MILLION ALBUMS WORLDWIDE and
has had 7 PLATINUM ALBUMS. So BOOBLAY is wearing a sparkly jacket and singing ‘You
Make Me Feel So Young’. It’s nondescript until he serenades Louis and it’s a
bit beautiful. It feels like a slight to Robbie Williams’ disastrous Palladium concert
and it probably is by virtue of it not being ABSOLUTE TORTURE. It seems BOOBLAY
has the same thing that Tom Chaplin from Keane has - no matter how skinny his
body his face still seems pinchable. It’s no bad thing, just an observation. He’s
like the anti James Arthur. BOOBAY thanks Durrbot for seeing him which makes me
like him. [<i>Michael Bublé is one of those people who is GREAT as a guest on a chatshow or doing banter on a results show, even though I can't stomach his music at all. - Steve</i>] Durrbot makes a joke about BOOBLAY singing at him. Durrbot wants to
know when he’s on tour. He doesn’t know except Durrbot does. It’s all a bit embarrassing.
</div>
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But first, we’re told to audition by Olly Murs which wouldn’t
encourage anyone in any way. [<i>I dunno, I'm sure all the bellends in the audience found it most inspiring. - Steve</i>] MOAR ADVERTS.</div>
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When we return there’s a film about <a href="http://www.togetherforshortlives.org.uk/">Together for ShortLives</a>, the recipient of the money from this year’s winners single. I’m not going
to recap it, because I feel that it would be in bad taste but it’s clearly an
excellent cause and I hope this show can play a significant part in allowing
them to continue their work. You can
find out more about the single on all the various regional ITV websites and the
government have waived VAT on the single so more money can be raised. <i>[Yeah, I'll say one thing in this show's defence - in the year of MattRebeccaWandErection I had friends who needed the support of a Children's Hospice and the finalists all came to visit and were apparently very lovely and had photos with anyone who wanted them. The show has supported this charity, which I believe is an umbrella trust for several hospices and charities, for several series running now (and one of WandErection is the patron of this particular hospice) so hurrah for consistency of being nice. Here endeth my one nice thing to say about X Factor this series - Rad] [See? We all have human feelings deep down, honest. - Steve</i>]</div>
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Back to business though, we’re going to find out who is in
the final. First act going straight through
is... Sambailey! Next through is... Nicholas! Leaving us with a Rough Copy/Luke
sing off. Rough Copy look like dead men walking. They hug it out though. WIN
STUFF FROM JLS BEFORE THE NEXT ADVERTS! That Sainsbury’s one with the dad
coming home... I can’t even.</div>
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So who’s getting the third place? It’s between Luke and
Rough Copy as we’ve already discussed. Luke is up first and is introduced as a
talented nice guy. He’s singing Somewhere Only We Know from off of the adverts.
THIS COULD BE THE END OF EVERYTHING OH GOD MY HEARTSTRINGS. It’s a bit shouty
but everyone seems to love it. Nicholas is crying. Luke seems defeated; he does
a Waisell style “oh sod it” and gets down on his knees. Rough Copy cheer him
on. Luke is so lost in the music that he remembers to give the camera big puppy
dog eyes at the end. </div>
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Funsponge is proud of Rough Copy. Their cut from Now That’s
What I Call Emotional Blackmail is End of The Road by Boyz 2 Men. They sing it
brilliantly<i> [No they don't. Although I hate this song anyway - Rad] </i>and Luke is now crying. They’re giving it their all. There’s a key
change and everything. They go out in the audience to recapture that Rough Copy
spirit someone made up a couple of weeks ago whilst trying to bus them. </div>
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So who is it to be? Durrbot thinks it was quite the sing off
and does his usual thing of stopping anyone from hugging because HE IS IN
CHARGE. We’re down to the judges but am I right in thinking that the semis are
usually pure public vote? Oh it’s likely to be deadlock anyway, let’s face it.
Funsponge thinks that the choice between the act that’s his act and the one
that isn’t is a hard one because they are so different. Sterling gives him the
stink eye. He’s heard both acts sing better but of course he’s going for his
own. Louis cuts the bullshit and votes Luke. Over to Nicole. Durrbot is very
careful to tell her to say who she wants to save. Luke sang one of her favourite
songs and is genuine and he’s a diamond in the rough but she’s saving Rough
Copy. It’s all on Sharon. Rough Copy are crying. Sharon can’t make her mind up
so takes it to Deadlock. Durrbot clearly doesn’t like this, but it’s not about
him. So who’s going through? </div>
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It’s Luke. There’s lots of tearful hugging and Durrbot
realises he’s never going to extract them all without looking like a dick so we
look at their journey. Their journey is
basically from three to two to three to leggings and backpacks. Aww, the final
is going to be as boring as Barlow. Can we
just take a moment to appreciate this please? Three years ago Funsponge came
rolling in like some kind of imaginary saviour stroke Cowell replacement and immediately
set himself up as the no nonsense father of the judges. He has failed miserably
on all three series. As an ardent member of both Team Robbie and Team Fun I could
not be happier about his failure. He may be a brilliant songwriter and band member
but he’s a shit popstar and even more shit at telly. I can’t put all the blame
on him for the boring as BARLOW last series but I’m going to apportion him a
large chunk of it. HA IN YOUR CHISELED DESIGNER STUBBLED FACE. [<i>Also, assuming Sambailey wins, Sharon will be howling with glee that Funsponge Borelow has taken the crown of WORST MENTOR EVER from her - Rad] [Well, not quite. Sharon went four years without a winner before quitting in umbrage, Gary's only managed three, even though it feels like decades. - Steve</i>]</div>
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So yeah, back to an emotional Rough Copy. Durrbot wants to know
their highlight. Sterling says it’s about just being here and they want to
thank Funsponge. Then Kaz grabs the mic and wants us to make some noise if we
believe in god. One suspects that this may have been an agenda that the RC
crowd may have wanted to push and this is the true Waissel “oh sod it” moment. Durrbot actually handles it like a pro though,
cutting quickly to the finalists. Sambailey, Luke and Nicholas. That’s it.</div>
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So yeah, I don’t care who wins again. I don’t even think I
hate any of them enough to want them to lose. Join Steve and Rad for the star
studded final that includes SIR ELTON JOHN.</div>
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If my opinion means
anything, next year they can lose either the room or the stadium auditions and
bring back the novelty acts please. Cheers, it’s been a pleasure. See you next
year!</div>
</div>
Helenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14309430718065420406noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-35855082824175181732013-12-08T12:43:00.000+00:002013-12-08T17:32:08.075+00:00Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Be-yonce<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b>Top Four Performances
– 7<sup>th</sup> December 2013 <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Hello, and welcome to what is blessedly my final performance
recap of the series! It must nearly be Christmas. I feel this in a way that no
amount of chocolate candles prised out of plastic behind cardboard doors could
ever make me feel. It’s been a boring as ARSE series this one, hasn’t it? [<i>I think you are sullying the good name of arse with that comparison. - Steve</i>]</div>
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Anyway, to business. <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/jukebox-fury.html">LAST</a> <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/tamera-never-knows-words.html">WEEK</a>! Rad talked you through the
jukebox fun and this is shown by our X Factor gods as LAST WEEKEND, the final
five sang for their place and we see how much they were trying to keep Tamera
in as people would at least tune in for the car crash of her possibly forgetting
her words and having a strop. But it wasn’t to be and Nicole is the first judge
with full marching orders and Louis is finally recognised to the chagrin of the
others as the true hero of this show.</div>
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TONIGHT however, is the SEMI FINAL and as tradition dictates
I cannot let the occasion pass without saying HURR SEMI. [<i>Me neither. "Semi". Tee hee hee. - Steve</i>] Who’s going to be in
the final? Well it’s Rough Copy who are coming out blazing tonight and will be
stepping it up because they have to be in the final. Luke Friend who has been working
toward this for the whole of his short life and he’s not giving up now. His performances
mean everything. Nicolas McDonald can’t believe he’s made it this far and the
pressure has been on. He really doesn’t want to go home this week. Finally, it’s
SamBailey who is so nervous about singing well known songs and there’s no room
to make a mistake like Tamera. OH NOES I HOPE SHE DOESN’T FUCK IT UP. BETTER
STAY TUNED TO MAKE SURE.</div>
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We’ve gone a full two minutes without hearing from the
judges so let’s get back to them. Even though she has no acts, Nicole will be
paying close attention. Funsponge reminds us that it’s going to be shit to go
home in the semi final but it has to happen. That was a bit of a Louis Walsh
observation, was it not? Sharon reminds us that you are only as good as your
last performance. IT’S TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC!! GIANT X!!!</div>
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Oh here comes Durrbot. He walks on to “I’m Still Standing”
which surely is a reference to his continued employment. Do I have to tell you
about the suit? It’s shit. It’s an abomination on the level of Robbie Williams’
Palladium performance only it contains copious amounts of filler from a single
Muppet. I love Robbie and this week has been the first time I’ve been ashamed
of that fact. Durrbot reminds us all how
close we are to the final and how there’s two performances between the acts and
the final. BUT, a singer is not a singer
unless they’re being told which popstar they’re like a sub standard version of
so here are your judges!</div>
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Louis awkwardly dances out in a lovely black number, Sharon
is in a silver statuesque number. Nicole is in something black and “directional”
which looks like it’s been pulled out of a background shot of Ugly Betty and
Funsponge is in a black velvet smoking jacket which is probably to remind us
all of the dope and pie years. </div>
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Once this bit of business is taken care of, it’s announced
that it is Elton vs Beyonce week. I don’t know. Is that even a thing? How have
we taken those two artists and come up with a theme? I’ll never understand this
show. Even when I watch it so closely and break it down for you guys so often
it still throws up the odd surprise. I suppose the only explanation is that
they were fully expecting Tamera to still be here at this point. As he’s talking Nicole blows some kisses into
the crowd and nearly falls over. It’s joyous. [<i>Drunk again. Oh, Nicole. - Steve</i>]</div>
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So, first to Louis, the undisputed king of the show and the
only judge to be guaranteed an act in the final. He goes for broke when introducing
Luke, making reference to both his age and his national identity, but here he
is, it’s Luke! Luke’s VT is about how he was brilliant on the Saturday but came
crashing down on the Sunday when the GBP didn’t vote for him. He’s not sure why
nobody is voting for him but he’s grateful still to be here. He tells us that
he’s doing Best Thing I Never Had by Beyonce. Louis then trolls him a bit by
saying that Beyonce is one of the biggest and best acts in the world and it’s
going to be a big challenge. He’s a bit worried but he’s doing a very Lukified
version of it so that makes him feel better. At choreography, Cisco Gomez (EXCELLENT
NAME) [<i>otherwise known as <a href="http://bitchyouthinkyoucandance.blogspot.co.uk/">Not That Sisco</a>.</i> <i>- Steve</i>] tells Luke that he’s not going to be doing any Beyonce style athletic
moves. Well no shit, Cisco, it’s a BALLID. We watch Beyonce do some moves on a SAMSUNG
GALAXY TABLET to see what he’s talking about. Because Luke can’t nick her moves
he’s got to look at her performance skills and channel his inner diva to get
votes. He’s well up for the challenge. He’s fighting for his place
tonight. Let’s see.</div>
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Luke does a Luke performance which is basically Mumfording
the shit out of the song with no socks on. It’s a niche talent but Luke has
cornered it. He’s wearing a Kingsland Road Memorial Shirt of Awful too. God
bless him. You know what, even though it’s a slight diss to the goddess Knowles
and it’s got a touch of banjo wankery about it I can’t help but like it. [<i>You're fired. Again. - Steve</i>] He’s
enthusiastic and at least he’s put a bit of effort into making the song his
own. <i>[And it's better than what comes next at any rate - Rad]</i></div>
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Sharon calls him a darling hairball. She doesn’t like the
song but his performance was better than the song. He’s turned into a great
performer. Funsponge reminds us that he was the first performer and he’s come
on a journey. He feels he’s outgrown the stage and has done a good job. Nicole
thinks its Wand Erection vs Mumford <i>[vs Beyonce. And she gets booed for this, even though THAT'S WHAT IT WAS AND THAT WASN'T EVEN AN INSULT- Rad]</i> but likes that he’s taken a risk. I LOVE NO
CONSEQUENCES NICOLE. Louis thinks the risk paid off. He’s an excellent
contestant, a real musician and a great person and he wants him in the final.
Everyone needs to vote.</div>
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Durrbot then asks Luke three questions at once as usual but
chooses to end on one about him having a little walk around stage with the
guitar on his back. Luke says he enjoyed the performance and he knew it was a
risk but was glad people liked it. He then goes on to ask about Funsponge’s
comment about him growing as a performer. Luke says that he enjoys taking risks
and that he feels he changed the Wand Erection
song better than this one but he still likes trying different things. </div>
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AFTER THE BREAK – Nicholas and Sam. ADVERTS.</div>
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When we return Durrbot reminds us of how the competition works
before Louis reminds us all that Nicolas is from Scotland. Nicholas never in
his wildest dreams thought he would make it this far in the competition. They
look back over his X Factor career on his GALAXY TAB and he feels that his
confidence is growing week on week with his performance, singing and dancing
skills. He’s singing Halo this week
which is a massive song. Nicholas is distilling the essence of Beyonce by
singing to everyone in the world when he sings. Cisco reminds him that this is what he needs
to do in the EASYGYM. Nicholas seems to
think that this involves making sex faces which makes the whole world
uncomfortable. Nicholas reminds us that he’s never even been in love so singing
songs about heartbreak is quite difficult for him. He doesn’t want to fall at
the last hurdle and Louis tells him to give it everything. We’ll see.</div>
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He starts weak. It doesn’t really get better. He’s wearing
tartan because he’s, yannow, Scotch. A key change can’t even save this. It’s
also been chopped a bit so you don’t really know where it’s going. Oh god he’s
fluffed a note. He looks broken. Oh no. Make it stop. He sounds like he’s
crying which actually injects a bit of personality into the song but dear god
make it stop. Louis knows. He knows. Everyone is a bit broken. Oh no. This is
just sad.</div>
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Sharon wants to know why he’s crying. <i>[Well she actually demands TELL THE MOTHER EVERYTHING which is somewhat creepy and weird - Rad] </i>He’s not crying. He
wants to go all the way. Sharon thinks he wants to go away. She corrects him.
Sharon wants him to get rid of the tears. Funsponge reminds him that he’s got
another performance to catch up with. He needs to pick his confidence up. For
once we agree, the song was too big for him. He needs to move forward. Nicole
reminds him it’s a hard song to sing because of the range and she knows he
messed up but messing up brought out the tiger in him and she likes that. She wants
him to stay focused and go with the emotions. Louis says it was a big song for
a LITTLE GUY FROM GLASGOW but Scotland are behind him and his god given talent.
I am Scottish but I can honestly say that I’ve never voted for someone purely
on that basis but I know that some of my fellow countrypeople are nationalistic
so you go for it Louis. [<i>Question: if the Scots vote for independence, do they get their own X Factor? - Steve</i>] Louis wants him to stop smiling and he wants tears of
joy.</div>
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Durrbot wonders what went wrong but Nicholas just thanks
everyone for voting for him. Durrbot says something useless about the pressure
and Nicholas goes off backstage. GET THE APP. </div>
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It’s time for Sharon and her final over 25. Could this be
her year to win? Probably. Sambailey can’t believe she’s in the semi finals.
She was the most nervous ever last week when it hit her that it was the quarter
final. The pressure is on for her and she wants to be in the final. Sharon says
that the pressure has been on this week so Sharon took her back to her house in
the country. Sambailey arrives at Sharon’s door and Sharon calls her Sambailey.
Sambailey remarks that Sharon’s house is like Santa’s Grotto. Sambailey can’t
believe she’s there. She’s enjoying getting away from it all on a swing and
looking at deer. Sharon wants her to have time to focus because everything depends
on the next performance. NO PRESSURE THEN.</div>
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Sambailey is singing If I Were A Boy in St Jesy Memorial
Leggings<i> [And some horrible dress/shirt THING on top. She looked AWFUL. She basically only suits big flowing dresses, I think - Rad]</i>. This song has been forever ruined for me by Unique the gender
confused teenager on Glee doing a very, very emotional rendition of it and
making me cry. Nobody can do it like she can. Sam Bailey gives it a good go,
she even sticks in a key change, but there’s no personality in it as usual.
Bellowed. Competently, but bellowed none the less. </div>
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Funsponge says it’s another strong performance and notes
that Beyonce writes songs for her amazing range and Sambailey coped with it beautifully.
Nicole thinks she took the performance back to the Sambailey balls. She says
balls a few more times because basically she’s a goddess in human form or the
female Will.I.Am depending on the way you want to look at it. She thinks she connected with the song and
she can let go more because it’s in her. Louis says that she never lets anyone
down vocally because he’s the master of stealth shade. He even says that the
competition is hers to lose, but quickly corrects it by saying that she could
win it for Mrs O because she ticks all the boxes and looks like a popstar.
Sharon reminds us that she chose the song. Sharon thinks she looks stunning.</div>
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Sambailey says she chose the song to show off her vocal
range and she’s glad she got through it. That’s all she’s allowed to say.
ADVERTS.</div>
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When we return Durrbot must’ve taken some obnoxious pills in
the adverts because he introduces Funsponge then shouts PHOTOBOMB and ducks
into the frame with him. OH DEAR. Funsponge welcomes Rough Copy. Rough Copy are
very excited to be in the semi finals. They talk about their favourite
performance which was their first one and Nicole saying that they were the best
band on the show ever. Funsponge jokes that he had to pay her to say that. I’m
not convinced he’s wholly joking. They talk about how their dancing and
harmonies have improved over the weeks and how hard they work on each
performance. This week is no different. They’re doing Survivor by Destiny’s Child.
They think the song illustrates their struggle in the competition and Funsponge
agrees that it’s perfect. They’re going to sing their hearts out and fight for
their place in the competition. </div>
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Rough Copy are still trying to make leggings and backpacks a
thing. They’re also dressed like Rodney in that episode of Only Fools And
Horses where Rodney has to pretend to be a teenager. To be fair it’s quite a
good performance. I enjoy it until it all goes a bit substep but at least they
seem like they’re having fun.</div>
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Nicole finds it hard to form words but eventually says that
the semi finals have finally begun. They bring the fun and the tempo which is
true. I’m all ballided out tonight already to be honest. She says it’s their
song because they are survivors. It’s their song and the song of many drunken
people in Yates. She wants them in the finals. Louis agrees that they bring the
energy and nobody works harder than them but they could’ve toned it down a bit.
Nicole schools him a bit for this comment as the crowd shout ‘arsey’ again.
Sharon thinks they bring the spirit but the rucksacks and the dancers humping
the floor was a bit much. They’ve got a point. Funsponge doesn’t think it’s
time to pull the reigns in, they need to keep bringing the vibe.</div>
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Durrbot has a go at Louis and Louis’ only defence is that
Sharon said the same. Rough Copy answer back and say that the song is their
anthem for being in the bottom two once and they’re going to keep on surviving.
VOTE PLZ.</div>
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After a recap and some adverts Durrbot is in the audience with
the eff and effs. We’ve had the Beyonce so now it’s logically time for some
Elton. We go to Louis who is apparently no stranger to a tantrum and a
tiara. It’s Nicholas who, in case we have
forgotten, is from Scotland. Louis
remarks how far he’s come in eight weeks. Nicholas agrees. He’s even learned
how to work a washing machine and even shows us how he does it. Louis wonders if he misses Scotland. He does,
but he wants to be here more than anything. Louis thinks he’s come on leaps and
bounds and has lost the shy, Scottish thing. EVERYONE, NICHOLAS IS FROM
SCOTLAND. VOTE FOR HIM BECAUSE HE’S SCOTTISH. YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR HIM TO
REUNITE BRITAIN AND STOP SCOTLAND WANTING TO BE INDEPENDENT. FIX BROKEN
BRITAIN, VOTE NICHOLAS. He’s having an incredible experience but he’s missing
his mum and dad but they fly down every
weekend and video call him on his SAMSUNG GALAXY TAB to support him and tell
him how proud they are. He’s singing Don’t
Let The Sun Go Down On Me. He’s dedicating it to his family. D’aww. He can’t believe
he’s only one song (and a public vote) away from the final and he’s scared
because he doesn’t want to go home. He’s got a (Scottish) fire in his heart to
go all the way. GO SCOTTISH NICHOLAS!</div>
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Nicholas is on the NotLouis memorial staircase to
nowhere wearing a shirt with semicircles
on it which seems designed to annoy anyone who’s even a little bit OCD. There
are some interpretive dancers on stage who only add to any irritation you may
be feeling at his shirt. He sings it a lot better than the Beyonce number which
isn’t hard. It doesn’t really <i>go</i>
anywhere though. The judges are going to love it though. <i>[His uncomfortable wiggling about was a bit distracting as well - Rad]</i></div>
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Sharon starts the love in. She says he sang well despite
everyone throwing themselves on the floor. Funsponge thinks he saved it from
his earlier disastrous performance and says some singing words. This is the
type of song to sing if he wants to be in the final. Nicole thinks he’s back in
the race and did a good job. He focused and pulled himself together. Louis
agrees that the first song was pants because he was EMOTIONAL AND ONLY
SEVENTEEN but he pulled it together and now he’s a role model for ALL OF
SCOTLAND because he’s worked hard and he’s got a recording voice.</div>
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Durrbot says that we can’t forget he’s seventeen because
Louis keeps banging on about it. Louis replies that he is indeed seventeen.
Durrbot then calls out Funsponge on his fancy music talk. Nicholas just says
that his tears took over on the first performance but he wants to make the
final. Durrbot wants to know how it feels to be on the brink. Nicholas feels
like he could grab it and he’s doing that through song. </div>
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AFTER THE BREAK – Luke and Rough Copy’s backpack. WIN SOME
MONEY FROM JLS.</div>
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To Louis again and its Devon’s finest, Luke Friend! He tells
us that everyone knows they could win it so they’re all working hard. Louis
urges him to look at his SAMSUNG GALAXY TAB to see his first performance. Luke
remarks on his nerves and feels that he’s got a lot more vocal control since
then. He feels his turning point was the third week, when he felt in control of
the stage. He’s doing Something About The Way You Look Tonight, that famous b side
of Candle in the Wind.</div>
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So how is it? The shirt is still there. I can’t remark on
the socks because he’s standing in smoke. He’s combed his hair a bit though,
which is nice. Nice is the word I think. Nice. That’s all I can say. </div>
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Sharon thinks it’s a hard song for him and it’s a song out
of his comfort zone in that it hasn’t been Mumforded to fuck. He was alone
without his guitar and he should be proud of himself for his well sung,
emotional performance. Funsponge thinks it’s a good performance and he admires
that he likes to change his songs. He also loves that he puts his uniqueness
and artistry first and never chases votes. *cough* bitch *cough*. Nicole dittos Funsponges comments but adds in
that he’s got a gigantic heart and he
put it out for everyone to see. He’s authentic and real and he deserves
to be in the final. Louis loves that Luke is in the X Factor for the music and
not the fame. He stands out from the crowd so all of Devon better vote for him.</div>
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Durrbot remarks on his jacket and wonders how the performance
was for him. Luke says he wanted to show his versatility across the two
performances and he wants and deserves to be in the final. Durrbot wants to
know how it feels to be so close. He thinks it’s amazing that he’s here and he’s
not going home yet. VOTE<br />
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Caroline is backstage with Alexandra Burke, who is inspired
by everyone but mostly Sam who she thinks is incredible. She’s also backing Luke
who has something. Sambailey’s next performance is going to be emotional, but
first it’s Funsponge and Rough Copy.</div>
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Funsponge reminds Rough Copy that Elton is his hero. The “so
you better not fuck it up” remains silent. They’re singing Sorry Seems To Be
The Hardest Word which is Funsponge’s favourite, so no pressure. They say that
Elton is one of the best songwriters in Britain and he wears big glasses. Yeah,
that about sums it up. They remark that what he does as an artist is different
to them. They say that group singing is all about the harmonies but they’re
singing a song meant for a solo artist. They’re solving this by each getting a
bit to themselves. They’re scared because there’s no hiding place. Funsponge
takes them to Wembley Arena so they can get a bit psyched out. Funsponge
remembers playing there in 93 and talks about how fantastic it was. They’re
going to rip up the stage this week because they need to be on the Wembley stage
next week.</div>
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They’re singing the song in the style of the boy band Blue. They’ve
got stools and everything. There are sadly no backpacks but the leggings are
present. It goes a bit substep in the middle and there’s some vocal acrobatics
but it doesn’t really seem like them. They’re a bouncy group. This ballid shit
feels a bit forced and not really them. <i>[So far I think the score is Beyonce 2-1 Elton - Rad]</i></div>
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Nicole loves it though, and says they should pack their
backpacks because they deserve to be in the finals. She thinks it was
beautiful, understated and they all had a chance to shine but they have
chemistry together. Louis loved this song better than the other and it was
slick and there’s a gap in the market for them. They deserve to be in the
final. Sharon says that they were NAKED on stage and they nailed it. Funsponge
thinks they have to get to the final because all the other groups in the final
have done so well and he wants that for them. </div>
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Durrbot would like to know how they’re feeling. They said
that they like relating to the lyrics and they want everyone to love them. They
apologise for their nakedness. Apparently they auditioned last year too so
Durrbot would like to know how it feels to be here. They say that they are happy to be there together
then get a bit flustered so Durrbot has a rare moment of professionalism and
cuts them off. </div>
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OLLY MURS WANTS YOU TO AUDITION, adverts.</div>
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When we return it’s time for Sharon and Sambailey who’s
singing a song you might know. Sharon is urging us to vote already. Sambailey
can’t believe she’s come so far. She watches her performances on a SAMSUNG
GALAXY TAB and remarks on how far she’s come, hitting notes that she couldn’t
believe she could hit. She feels like she belongs on stage and is loving getting
good feedback. She’s loving the support
she’s getting from Gary Lineker and all of Leicester. She’s worried about her
one piece of bad feedback but she’s dealing with it.</div>
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Let’s take a second here. Sambailey will be singing Candle
in The Wind. REALLY? This is straight out of that Peter Kay spoof, right? She’s
singing Candle in the Wind for the Princess of all our hearts so that
theoretically a vote against Sambailey is a vote against the windy candle of
all our hearts? Oh ffs X Factor. I really, really thought that you’d lowered the
bar so much that it was impossible to see but it turns out there’s further to
sink. Ugh. Shame on you. </div>
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Sharon reminds her that everyone is fighting for the final.
She hopes that the song touches everyone like it touches her. BLECH.</div>
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Oh well, at least she’s doing the original version which is
only slightly better because they made it sound like she was doing the Diana version.
She’s singing it on the Rebecca Ferguson memorial plinth.<i> [And wearing a curtain - Rad] </i>[<i>And sounding like Jane McDonald. - Steve</i>] That’s the most
interesting thing about it. </div>
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Funsponge kicks off the feedback. It was beautiful and
thinks that she saw another side to her. She took a story song and turned it
into a singer’s song. Nicole says she didn’t oversing it and shiitake mushrooms
at her voice. Nicole is taking her lashes off to Sharon for a mentoring job
well done. Louis thinks she’s the most consistent contestant. Consistant? She
never lets them down and she’s the people’s princess. She’s going through to
the final. Sharon thanks her and says she loves her.</div>
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Durrbot thanks Nicole for ‘take mushrooms’. Sambailey is
happy because whatever happens she’ll see her babies soon and wants to be in
the final for anyone who ever had a dream. OH FUCK OFF. </div>
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So that’s it. Someone’s got to go. Numbers, Recap and a reminder
to watch tomorrow for Leona Lewis and the finalists. Yay!</div>
</div>
Helenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14309430718065420406noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-56175141083322758782013-12-02T23:11:00.001+00:002013-12-08T16:48:47.366+00:00Tamera never knows (the words)<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Top 5 Results: 1
December 2013</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/jukebox-fury.html" target="_blank">Last night</a>! Songs that are songs week was back! This year described as ‘Jukebox’ week! Borelow’s group were arsey, Nicole’s girl was
a Colin Baker tribute act, Sam Bailey took on Whitney and just about came out
alive and Louis reigned supreme with two acts left! <o:p></o:p></div>
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Is it just me, or does Giant X look like it’s playing Angry
Birds Star Wars?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKWXSDw1n9p-NTkrTFQNDvt_sq0Rvo9VoazGG5T_5SHNWNsvBipl3E3Xeioy_G3ZSIMWN2yI5F9LE4Ww2fQouP0JFaLtHteXmR-pXF_eQA84Z1haQcK240VnFg2EByB077RhcRow/s1600/gintx.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKWXSDw1n9p-NTkrTFQNDvt_sq0Rvo9VoazGG5T_5SHNWNsvBipl3E3Xeioy_G3ZSIMWN2yI5F9LE4Ww2fQouP0JFaLtHteXmR-pXF_eQA84Z1haQcK240VnFg2EByB077RhcRow/s320/gintx.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Dermot enters to a very unflattering camera shot from below
right up his crotch. I thought we were
over that now. His suit – single button. Does not fit. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The judges arrive. Louis is in a black suit with a pattern on that I quite like; Sharon is
in a black dress with chain mail across her bosom and Nicole has come as a
black forest with a huge gap in the middle, and has suddenly developed brand
new extensions since last night. And
Funsponge is here too.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The contestants’ song is Ellie Goulding’s ‘Burn’ and it’s
really bad, especially when the women do the high pitched bit and Sam looks
like she’s straining to hear the backing track whilst Tamera forgets the words
again.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We get a recap of last night. New info: Sam B and Wee Nic are vaguely, kind
of, deramped, but only a little bit and are stil mostly praised; Luke and
Tamera are treated well and Arsey get a bit of both. Sharon reckons you can’t pigeonhole Sam
B. I’d say wait until that mothers’ day
album of covers followed by a role as Mama Morton, then a tour of Blood
Brothers whilst Dead Dad Niki sticks pins in a voodoo doll, with a couple of
episodes’ guest stint on Loose Women along the way and maybe a cover of Woman’s
Own.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But now! Time for a “special”
guest, She was a shy young woman with an
incredible voice. Well, that’s one word
for it. Now she’s CONFIDENT, but, one
hopes, not a CONFIDENT MONSTER. [<i>I like how they've airbrushed out of history how her first audition was dreadful and they sent her off to think about what she'd done before coming back - although considering she was equally dreadful the second time around and they still accepted her, I can see why they wouldn't want to draw attention to it. - Steve</i>] It’s
Rebecca Ferguson, who apparently has not been erased from history a la Matt
Cardle just yet. Although her sole
purpose appears to be to make that terrible group performance seem like a
tuneful, competent performance by comparison with this one. Her new song is a total dirge and she is
really out of tune and still honks like a goose. This is just DIRE. Its lyrics mainly consist of 'I hope I hope I hope I hope', or as my friend <a href="https://twitter.com/MarkTalksTelly" target="_blank">Mark</a> put it on Twitter: I honk I honk I honk I honk. Still, the topless drummers she had on stage
with her got Robin Windsor excited on the Twitters. Rebecca shills her tour (who the HELL would
go to see that?) and wants Sam Bailey or ‘Tamara’ to win.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads: You can see your ‘favourite finalist’ LIVE on tour. Disclaimer: does not apply if your favourite
was any of the following: Shelley, Lorna, Tragic Hipster Boyband Abomination,
Missed Dynamics.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Durrbot continues the ‘number twos’ theme by telling us
Funsponge’s latest album is a great big steaming one. Oh, and Wand Erection are number one. Durrbot asks who was the best last
night. Louis: Luke; Sharon: Sam and
Luke; Funsponge: Sam; Nicole: Tamera. Durrbot asks if anyone has booked themselves a place in the final. Louis says Sam has. Sharon says everyone still needs the votes.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Durrbot introduces our next act as someone who won last
year. The audience have clearly been
briefed not to boo, because they all cheer him, and we don’t even get a
sincerevoice Durrbot apology on James’s behalf. The hyperbolic text tells us that his LIFE CHANGED FOREVER and he has
sold 3 million worldwide (we’re not told 3 million what so maybe it’s 3 million
copies of outraged newspapers/magazines). He’s singing from inside a Perspex prison cell full of red light to
remind us that he’s been a very bad man lately, which is actually kind of
awesome staging, but then he breaks free! James humbleawkward interviews that he’s ‘made silly mistakes’ and wants
to thank people for sticking with him including The X Factor and says he’s
sorry for abusing his position and not behaving like a proper X Factor winner (<a href="https://twitter.com/stevebrookstein" target="_blank">LOL</a>). <o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads! A Leona Lewis
Christmas album where she squeezes the life out of I Wish It Could Be Christmas
Every Day! Just what everyone needs!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Time for the acts to remind us of their journeys. Tamera was in a duo and now she isn’t! Luke is surprised to have got so far! Sam B is doing it for her family! Wee Nic used to be at school and now he’s
here! Arsey don’t want the dream to
end! (Now I’m just wishing ArseTAT could
come back and join them so they could be Union Arse).<o:p></o:p></div>
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Results time and safe are: Arsey, Sam, Wee Nic. So two acts who’ve previously hit the bottom
two hit it again. *Shrugs* [<i>Doesn't that make it officially a SHOCK BOTTOM TWO SCANDAL by this series' logic? - Steve</i>]<o:p></o:p></div>
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Oh why we’ve had a whole second of useful content, so it
must be time for the ads! Is Cat Deeley’s
NO I DON’T WANNA CUT MY HAIR MUMMY CAN’T MAKE ME shampoo ad thing meant to be her
resembling a whiny six year old?<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sing-off time and Tamera is singing ‘The Voice Within’ and
you can definitely see why they thought she had potential to be world class,
but I still think she’s a couple of years and some proper training away from
that yet. It’s rough as all hell but it shows she has some potential and is the best she’s sounded in
several weeks. She does the classic sing off bending over double move and screams up her lungs but it's just never the same as when Katie Waissel did it that time.</div>
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Luke wheels out the Journey South memorial guitar of
irrelevance for his ‘Run’ and then chucks it away and starts stomping around
the stage. It’s all quite shouty but he
is at least putting in a lot of energy and is quite earnest about the whole
thing in that special way that teenage muso boys are.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Nicole says Tamera gave a stunning ‘save me’ performance and
Luke is a real giver but she has to send him home. Louis says Luke won the sing-off and he’s
easily the best person on the stage, and it’s WRONG, so he’s sending home
Tamera. Sharon says she is basing it on
the sing-off and there was an ‘organic performance from a
singer-songwriter-musician’ so she’s saving Luke and sending Tamera home. </div>
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Funsponge says he’s 50/50 as he likes them
both and Sharon and Louis whine at him to decide. Funsponge says it’s time to invoke FUCKING
DEADLOCK for the first time in the series, so sends home Luke. The act with the fewest votes is Tamera,
which means Nicole is the first to lose all acts – I thought it was going to be
Funsponge, but, as we all expected, it looks like it’ll be Louis/Wee Nic vs
Sharon/Sam for the win, unless Arsey can build enough of a following to do
something of merit in the final. Tamera’s
best bits don’t include much of her lyric forgetting or tabloid scandals. She thanks everyone for the opportunity. Nicole says she will be the most successful
star to come out of this show. Somewhere, One Direction (and even Jedward) are all 'Mm-hmmmm'.</div>
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Next week! Elton John
vs Beyonce week, apparently. And “special”
guests Leona LEWIS and Mickey Bubbles!
Join Helen then!<o:p></o:p></div>
Radhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17031764260176803659noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-91009336259057839612013-12-01T20:05:00.001+00:002013-12-08T16:42:28.206+00:00Jukebox fury<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Top 5 Performance 30 November 2013<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/heres-one-we-did-earlier.html">Last</a> <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/i-simply-cant-barrett.html">week</a>! The show decided to have a random tenth birthday party in case it doesn't actually live to be 10 years old next year! Tamera
blew her words! (this show is so bizarre this year with its not making its mind
up about what we should think of her) Louis became the best mentor of the series by being the last judge with
two acts standing! There was a “shock” sing-off (nb not especially) and Hannah
went home!</div>
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Tonight! It’s “Jukebox”
week, which is the latest euphemism for that perennial favourite, ‘songs that are songs’ week! And because I’ve been a jammy sod and avoided
recapping the last few mercifully short episodes, my punishment is to recap TIME
FOR TWO SONGS EACH WEEK! It’s time to
face the thought of this show being two hours long again!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Oh Giant X, please crush me now.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Dermot enters to Salt’n’Pepa’s ‘Whatta Man’ but is sans
dancers. He says ‘we are all about the
number two this week… two shows, two songs… that’s a lot of number twos’. Well how can I make jokes about the acts
being shit when you’re doing it for me, Dermot?
Has the show now got to the stage where it’s trolling itself? I don’t even know what’s going on
anymore. SUITWATCH: Grey with one of
those scalloped waistcoat things again and a brown tie that DOES NOT GO.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Cue judges! Funsponge
is in all black; Louis is in velour; Sharon in glittery green-black and Nicole
in glittery red with a new, shorter, haircut. Nicole drunkenness state? Well,
she’s blowing air kisses and preening herself so I’d say she’s pretty far
gone. Dermot tells us that the acts will
be singing two songs, one chosen by them and the judges and one chosen by the
British public via the app. He gets so
excited that a million votes were cast on the app. I’m guessing audience participation levels
are somewhat down this year. (If only
they released vote numbers and not just percentages at the end of every
series).<o:p></o:p></div>
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First up is Nicholas, whose song choices were a bit boring
(Amazed, The Prayer and Just the Way You Are). Louis reminds us that wee Nic is from SCOTLAND. Why, he even has a Scottish ring tone! Louis rings him to tell him the public voted
for Just the Way You Are. Wee Nic almost cries because it’s a song he’s
actually heard of for once and it reminds him of his little sister. He tells her the song choice via the medium
of a video call on a HANDY AND ATTRACTIVE TABLET, then watched his performance
back via the magic of a YOUVIEW box. He
then flips back to the tablet to watch other YOUNG performers like Justin Bieber
and Wand Erection to get some inspiration.<o:p></o:p></div>
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His opening ‘ooohs’ are very scratchy with some croaky notes,
but he does get better as he gets into the song though it still has some bum notes in. Other than that, I don’t know what to say
about it – the lighting was colourful but a bit boring, the staging was boring,
the performance was competent but unmemorable, the audience go mental. Sharon reminds us that he is now SEVENTEEN
and says he is dependable but the ‘inner wee Nic’ now has to come out and be
like a lion. I would have thought his
inner animal was a hamster, myself (something which Sharon goes on to imply by
telling him to move his little legs up and down the stage). Sharon’s grasp of pig Latin remains as strong
as ever, telling him to say ‘nixay’ to anyone who makes him stand still and he
isn’t quite there with the performance. The audience both cheer and boo at this. Funsponge says he needs to take a risk and it’s too middle of the road
for him. HOLD THE FRONT PAGE. Can there actually be such a thing as too
middle of the road for Gary MOR Barlow? Nicole liked it anyway and said he connected with the lyrics more than
ever. Louis says he has a god-given gift
and has a natural recording voice. Durrbot asks Wee Nic what he thinks about the judges’ comments. Wee Nic wants to get ready for his next
song. Durrbot asks if we’ll see his
inner lion, and then calls him Simba. Is
Durrbot deliberately trolling tonight? (Although he did basically nick that joke off Brucie on Strictly earlier. And when you nick jokes from Bruce, then...)<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sharon says next up is ‘a lioness’ – Sam B. She says Whitney Houston is one of her idols
so she is excited about singing ‘How Will I Know’. Now, I’m glad Sam gets to go up-tempo for
once, and I love that song, but when will anyone learn that <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2009/10/are-you-disrespecting-me.html">Whitney</a> <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2009/10/euston-we-have-problem.html">and</a> <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/no-killer-no-fil-ler.html">this</a> <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/loud-was-voice-of-maloney-goatherd.html">show</a> <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2007/08/no-dead-parents.html">do</a> <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2011/11/keeping-it-reel.html">not</a> <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2008/09/if-at-first-you-dont-succeed-fail-and.html">go</a> <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2009/09/end-of-century.html">together</a>? [<i>It does seem as though 80s Whitney is always a risky move on any singing show. - Steve</i>] We’re also reminded that Sam
is a MUM and her life has changed because she is on this show – and this show
is HARD WORK. And then she gets to watch
the Royal Variety Performance featuring extracts from the X FACTOR MUSICAL BY
HARRY HILL. [<i>Which, if the clips that have been released are anything to go by, will be shit. - Steve</i>]<o:p></o:p></div>
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She’s wearing a glittery catsuit thing which is quite ‘mum
from the 80s’ – the whole thing has that vibe actually. THIS IS IN NO WAY A BAD THING. Or at least where I’m concerned, anyway. I mean, it’s a bit bellowy as is Sam’s way,
and there is nothing contemporary whatsoever about it but I liked it. I just wish this show’s 80s week could have
had that kind of thing in it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Gary liked her versatility. Nicole likes the song and invokes the annual female over on a CRUISESHIP
comment war. Louis loved it because of
course. Sharon says the cruiseship
Nicole saw her on was the O2 which makes no sense whatsoever. Did she mean the QE2 or did she mean Nicole
will headline the O2 Millennium Dome or…? (We were in that London the other week and one of my friends (aged 35),
on going past it, was ‘so THAT’S the Millennium Dome? When was that around, the 90s?’ In her defence, she was tired.)<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads. I choose not to
watch<i> I’m a Celebrity</i> because I don’t like seeing people covered in/eating
insects, so why should I have to endure it in an ad break?<o:p></o:p></div>
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Durrbot reminds us there are only two weeks left until the show ends! Hooray!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Tamera is next and Nicole reminds us that she is
SIXTEEN. Tamera gets hypnotherapy to
help her with her lyric remembering.<o:p></o:p></div>
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She’s doing ‘We Found Love’ and appears to be wearing very
visible contro pants under a short denim body, topped off with what looks like
a cropped PVC version of the Sixth Doctor’s coat. (I wasn’t on Twitter last
night and am only just catching up on the show on Sunday evening but I will be
very disappointed if that comment wasn’t made by every person on there). It’s fine – it’s a Rihanna song so there’s
not much you can do in a sing-y way, but she remembers her words.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Louis says she could be a pop star in the charts and
congratulates her for remembering her lyrics. Sharon tells her to move around the stage more. Funsponge says he wanted to see her having
fun and is glad that she did. What has
happened to him this week? Nicole tries
to do a Louis Walsh impression, saying ‘you look like a pop star, you sound
like a pop star’ in the accent of an Italian American gangster, and then she
makes woo-woo noises. And now I am
imagining Nicole and Bruno Tonioli on a judging panel together and trying to
figure out if that would be hysteri-mazing or just awful. [<i>I think it would be brilliant for a couple of weeks but they'd be so drunk by the finale that they'd be entirely unable to speak. - Steve</i>]<o:p></o:p></div>
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Next up is Luke and his hair. He had a choice of ‘Bridge Over Troubled
Water’, ‘One Day Like This’ or ‘Skinny Love’ and the public chose the latter of
these. Luke used to sing this with his
friend Sydney who is now in Australia, possibly living up to her name. He talks to her via the power of product
placement tablet. Louis reveals that he
hates this song, to the surprise of no-one.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Luke is wearing a terrible rug (the kind that you always get
on the floor of those hippy shops that sell windchimes and incense and ugly
cushions in bright colours with tiny wee mirrors sewn in) as a shirt. Somehow this song, which was always a bit
plodding, has been made even slower, and his vocal is all NOISE OVER EMOTION
which doesn’t really work for him, because although he can sound OK sometimes,
he really isn’t a belter, so it just seems quite strained.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sharon compliments him on his ‘big juicy love’ and says she
can picture him singing it at Glaston-berry. Presumably with his mates around a camp fire at 5 in the morning when
everyone else is trying to sleep. Funsponge loves him (quelle surprise) and says he is one of the
front-runners. When there are only five
acts left, surely they are all frontrunners? Nicole wheels out the dark horse comment again and Louis wants everyone
to vote for him. Dermot says it’d be
good if Luke went to Glastonbury and Luke says it’s his favourite festival but
he’s never been (not sure how that works but anyway). [<i>Ahh, teenage musos, gawd bless 'em. - Steve</i>] Durrbot asks Louis why he hates the song and
Louis says he basically has PTSD from three years ago when loads of people did
it at the auditions (even though the only example I can find on our blog is from <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/the-nerve-centre.html">2012</a>).<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads! Where are
JLS? Have they actually split up now?<o:p></o:p></div>
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Last week you didn’t vote for Poor Facsimile and that was
wrong. Their VT features the now
obligatory ‘Funsponge tries to have fun and looks in pain the whole time’ bit –
this week featuring bad dancing! The
group are going to do a medley because they have two musical heroes – Bobby Brown
and R Kelly. Wow, the musical heroes
this week are super family-friendly, aren’t they? Oh, and on the subject of R Kelly, has the
internet had OUTRAGE at Lady Gaga involving him on a song that goes ‘do what
you want, what you want with my body’ yet? Oh, GAGA.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Fans of the skirts will be pleased to know there is a reboot
of them this week, and the introduction of a backpack as suitable stage-wear. And whilst I love ‘Every Little Step’ (less
so ‘She’s Got That Vibe’) this whole thing feels so 1990. Again, not complaining, as the 80s and 90s
were very much my era, but if this is meant to be the act with a contemporary
flavour, then…<o:p></o:p></div>
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Anyway, the crowd remind them that they were just ARSEY some
more. Nicole shouts that they gave her
some perspiration and she’s getting excited. She doesn’t want them in the bottom two again because the show needs the
arsey spirit. Louis says the competition
needs them but the performance was only OK and the vocals were a bit weak. Sharon wants them to ‘nixay’ the hopping and
the skipping like gazelles (or as she says, jazelles). Oh Sharon,
stand still and you’re damned, move and you’re damned. Make up your mind, woman. She asks why the backpack and the retort is ‘I’m
on my way to the final’. The others act
as if this was the best response ever, which… not really. It doesn’t even make any sense. But the crowd also seem to think this is an
excellent burn on Sharon, and we take those where we find them, so… Sharon
tells them they have three weeks so shouldn’t be so presumptuous (I love the
idea that in three weeks’ time Sharon will just be rattling around in that
studio wondering where everyone is). Gary loved them. Durrbot tells
Sharon she can’t have it both ways and want animals and then tell people off
for being animals. She says they were
like gazelles. Helpful. Although the idea of Wee Nic being a fierce
lion grazing on the gazelle-like corpses of Arsey is quite funny. Durrbot opens the voting lines and gives us
our first recap of the night.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads! It’s HERB, not
URB, annoying fake American stalker polar bear creep.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We’re back with the TOTALLY VALID backstage bit with
Caroline Flack SPONSORED BY TALKTALK. Arsey say it’s hard to please Sharon because she’s the queen. In the back pack? A SAMSUNG phone and a furry snood. ALL YOU NEED FOR THE FINAL.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Next up, SCOTLAND’s finest <strike>Leon Jackson</strike> Wee Nic. Wee Nic was SEVENTEEN last week and got a
fugly cake. Then Louis gave him a
birthday present – his first driving lesson. Aren’t most first lessons free? So generous. Wee Nic is singing a
Take That song and he is worried because FUNSPONGE is a hero and then the vocal
coach tells him it’s a HARD SONG, and we see wee Nic fluffing the lines and
fretting that he doesn’t want Funsponge to send him home.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It’s ‘Greatest Day’, which is, at least, not ‘The Flood’. Maybe they’re saving that for Steve’s recap
week. [<i>I wouldn't put it past them. - Steve</i>] Wee Nic stands atop a plinth
wearing a NKOTB tribute jacket – seriously, is this whole episode being
sponsored by my old Smash Hits yearbooks? - and still muffs the high notes. The rest of it is OK but those high notes are
painful.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sharon says she could feel the inner beast rising within his
soul and then patronivoices ‘I still love you little thing’. Funsponge says he is honoured to be Wee Nic’s
hero. Wee Nic has his tongue firmly in
cheek and says ‘yeah’ in a manner that in no way suggests he was contractually
obliged to pretend this was true. Poor
Wee Nic, all he wants is to do some gangsta rap or something. Funsponge says this is how you take a risk
and get an identity. Nicole fake-sad-voices
that it’s a big song and then says he gave a big performance and was
SHAMAZING. Louis’ ‘you know who you
remind me of’ gets a laugh from the audience even before he says a young Gary
Barlow (his quiff reminds me of a young Halo James but there we are). Wee Nic says he knows Funsponge doesn’t like
people doing his songs on the show (he loves it).<o:p></o:p></div>
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Durrbot then introduces Sam Bailey by reminding us of what we
could have won – Mike and The Mechanics’ ‘The Living Years’. I mean, it’s X Factor in a song, because it’s
all about DEAD DADS – in fact, they should have played it as part of the ‘anniversary’
thing last week with a montage of all the sob stories playing over it. Anyway, stupid tablet app voters voted for
Emily Sunday’s ‘Clown’ even though we’ve already seen Sam sing this because
stupid app voters are stupid. [<i>Also, now this makes me think that people actually WANT to hear Emily Sunday, when previously I assumed that she was just being forced upon us against our will this whole time. I don't know what to believe any more. - Steve</i>] She is
reminded of her children and talks to them on a WONDROUS TABLET. They laugh that they are ‘sort of’ looking
after their dad (WHO IS ALIVE.
Possibly. I mean, we don’t see
him and the kids’ ‘sort of’ looking after him could have a sinister undertone
to it).<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sam’s hair, which looked lovely in song 1 looks bad her,
piled into a messy bun. She’s wearing a
short black dress under a long black spotty net curtain. It’s not a great look. The performance probably has a bit more
subtlety to it than when she did it at Boot Camp, but that’s not saying a lot –
it’s still pretty bellowy and VOLUME=EMOTION. She’s working some proper 80s-looking triangle earrings though.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Funsponge says having two songs has benefited her the most,
getting people dancing and then laughing and he is surprised by how high her
voice can go because she has great range. Nicole has just one word: astounding and starts semi-crying. Louis says she looks relevant and like a pop
star (not in that gear) and she’s a world class act. He says Sharon has done a great job at
mentoring because, yes, I’m sure Sharon has so much involvement in this. Sharon repeats Funsponge’s comment about Sam’s
vocal range. Sam misses her daughter and
hopes she’s doing her homework.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads! Oh, my mistake, JLS are still here. Unless this is the new Big
Reunion-reassambled version of JLS. Who
can tell any more?<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
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Durrbot welcomes us back from the audience where he reads
out some tweets from a card. Ed Balls
likes Sam Bailey and Rio Ferdinand prefers Luke. [<i>ED BALLS. - Steve</i>] Luke’s mum isn’t nervous and says she’s
waiting for the next one. Dermot gets
the hump at being told to hurry it along.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Luke tells Louis he’s pleased people liked his One Direction
song and he likes to ‘change up songs’. There us then some funny home footage of him as a kid showboating on
stage and wearing afro wigs. The signs
about the hair were there for quite some time. Luke’s musical heroes? <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OR3pZRVq2c">Mumford and Sons</a>. He’s doing ‘I Will
Wait’ accompanied by musicians in cage-type things. They could actually be Mumford and Sons,
because all these white folky men look the same to me /radio2racist. It’s probably a bit more exciting than the
original in that it actually has some pace and energy, but Luke is essentially
shouting most of it and it’s still the world’s most boring song. He doesn’t really make the deep note at the
end, either.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sharon declares it his best performance so far and says he’s
really found himself and will be in the final. Funsponge says they’re like a broken record saying they want someone who
will ‘sell records’ and he’s fantastic. Nicole
calls him Mr Great Balls of Fire with Some Hair on Him at which the others
laugh. Nicole tells them to shut up
because they’re not talking about big hairy balls. Louis hopes all of Luke’s Friends vote for
him. Heh.<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
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Durrbot asks him how he feels about that song and Luke says ‘it’s pretty Rad’. INVOKING MY NAME IN VAIN I WILL NOT HAVE THIS. Comparing me to fucking Mumford and Fucking
Sons? You are ON MY LIST, Friend.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Again, the British public are idiots – instead of picking a
Kate Bush track, they’ve given Tamera perennial Simon Cowell snooze-fest
favourite ‘The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face’. She apparently sung it at a talent show at
her church and won, even though the clip we see of this event sounds bloody
awful.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The performance is like a more boring and screechy and out-of-tune version
of Leona Lewis’s super boring version of this song. She’s wearing a crucifix belt and ring though
and lots of white. I’m not sure if we’re
meant to think she’s the Second Coming or sacreligious. Louis says she looks like a pop star, herself
and Luke. Sharon gets the giggles. Louis reminds us that Leona sang that
song. Everybody has sung that song on
this bloody show. Sharon welcomes her
back to the race. Gary says ‘a few
people’ (there are only a few people left, Funsponge [<i>in the viewing audience - Steve</i>]) are having a good night,
including him. He says that in five
years she’ll be the biggest contestant from this year of the show. Given the slim pickings on offer, I would be
surprised if we remember who any of them are in five years’ time. Nicole calls her angel in Spanish, because:
drunk. Tamera loved singing and showing
her softer side.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads! <o:p></o:p></div>
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Hooray! It’s time for
the last song of the evening! Funsponge
SKYPES Rough Copy via a WONDERFUL TABLET DEVICE and R Kelly gets more money out
of this show because they’re singing ‘I Believe I Can Fly’ which us a song I
hate so, so much. They are dressed in
white like ANGELS. Angels who wear
skirts over trousers. And they have the
golden firework backdrop the show likes to give to its favourites. I HATE THIS SONG. They pull constipated faces. One of them tries to do some standing still
hip-hop moves. They get down off a
plinth in the key change.
DRRRRRIIIIIINK. I hate this song,
I hate this song, I hate this song. And
I hate this tedious reality show ballid arrangement with a gospel choir and
then finally it’s over because I need to go vomit. The audience agree that that was just arsey,
and Nicole says they took us to arsey church. She says they’re the best group the show has ever seen and they are VERY
NICE as if it wasn’t already obvious that they’re being groomed as JLS
replacements. Louis hopes they make the
final. Sharon says it was spiritual.
Well, I needed some strong spirits to get through it if that’s what she
meant. She calls them eagles. Funsponge implores us to vote and if
Carslberg made contestants, this would be it – bland, disappointing, bit cheap.<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
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(I quite like Arsey but I hate what this show is doing to
them).<o:p></o:p></div>
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One of them likes church and the Aston replacement one says
they’re ON A JOURNEY. Egads.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Durrbot tells us to vote again and we get a recap: SCOTLAND!
EVERYONE RELIVING THE 80s AND EARLY 90s! PRODUCT PLACEMENT TABLETS AND ALSO SKYPE AND A BIT OF YOUVIEW! COLIN BAKER SHOUT OUT! TWO OF MY LEAST FAVOURITE SONGS EVER!</div>
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So that’s it – tomorrow someone will be going home. I couldn’t really care less who, but I not
only have to endure that, I have to endure a homophobe and a goose, so FUN
TIMES ALL ROUND. Join me then!<o:p></o:p></div>
Radhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17031764260176803659noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-18901353494085187262013-11-24T23:24:00.000+00:002013-11-25T23:43:57.600+00:00I simply can't Barrett<b>Top 6 Results - 24 November 2013</b><br />
<br />
Everyone's in black as we return to the Grim Cold Open. Dermot, for some reason, persists with the idea that <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/heres-one-we-did-earlier.html">last night's show</a> was a birthday celebration, but reminds us that tonight someone is going home with NO CAKE AND NO PARTY BAG.<br />
<br />
First, the bombastic recap. Getting the narrative seal of approval for last night's performances are Rough Copy, Hannah, Luke, Sam and Wee Nick. The boot of failure, however, is inserted into the jacksy of Tameramnesia for forgetting her words. Coming up tonight, we have "<i>X Factor</i> supergroup JLS", and once again I need to tell the producers that <a href="https://www.google.co.uk/#q=define:+supergroup">that word does not mean what they think it means</a> <i>[Although The Risk kind of were an X Factor supergoup - Rad]</i>. Also, R&B superstar Mary J Blige will be here with Jessie J tagging along for the ride, and also some nobodies called A Direction or something. <i>*shrugs*</i> Meanwhile, the judges celebrate the non-birthday with Louis doing a Dame Edna impression, Gary delivering the most entirely joyless rendition of Kool And The Gang's 'Celebration' you're ever likely to hear, and Nicole finally working out how to trigger a party popper.<br />
<br />
Dermot arrives and welcomes us to the show by stumbling over the word "successes" as he reminds us that JLS and One Direction are on later. Before all that, though, we must welcome the judges: Gary's in a wide-check brown blazer that seems to fade at the edges, Nicole is wearing a purple/navy dress where Giant X itself is straining to contain her boobs, Sharon is in a sheer black number covered in black lace, and Louie is wearing a dark jacket and a dotted tie. Nicole appears to need a bit of help getting to her seat. Nobody ever thinks of the practicalities with these outfits once they've made that dramatic entrance, do they?<br />
<br />
Time for the group number, now with 100% more JLS: the top six sing 'Everybody In Love', leaving a massive gap centre-stage so that it can be filled by some actual stars when they deign to turn up. Joey Rough Copy gets the "honour" of doing the "ladies and gentlemen, JLS!" introduction. I'd love to tell you what happens next, but I'm afraid I have a rule where I only recap bands that haven't split up. OH DEAR SORRY ABOUT THAT JLS. That's what you get for dragging it out to the point where we've all seen you far more post-split than we ever did beforehand. Stop hanging around like a trapped fart and move on with your lives already.<br />
<br />
And here's the recap of the recap: Wee Nick declares this the best birthday he's ever had, even though it got completely overshadowed by a fake birthday, and Gary reminds us some more about how Wee Nick is solid and reliable and other hugely exciting adjectives like those. Hannah put her heart and soul (and cleavage, <i>dayum</i>) into that performance, so she's happy. Luke wants us all to know that this competition means so much to him, and Gary thinks that Luke is "in a complete lane of his own". Maybe because he can't find any friends to go bowling with him. Rough Copy felt it was natural to get back into their R&B groove, and Nicole thinks that they were the icing and sha-sprinkles on top of the birthday cake. Sometimes I wonder if they just lead her to a padded room as soon as the show's over. Tameramnesia says that she just doesn't want it to end, and she hopes her performance showed that. Girl, your performance suggests that you didn't even know where the end was. Sharon says that she's going to make it, but it's just not her time right now. (All snark aside, I do wonder if Tamera might have been unstoppable if she'd just left it a couple more years, worked on her confidence and gained a bit of experience, and then come back and slain everyone in her path. Sometimes timing is everything; just ask Alexandra Burke.) Finally, Sam hopes she did Leona Lewis proud, because it's such an emotional song, and Nicole declares that she ended the party with a SHA-BANG, BABY. Just imagine if Nicole edited the OED. The S section would be heavier than the rest of the tome put together.<br />
<br />
After that, it's time for our very special guests, Mary J Blige and Jessie J. OVER 65 MILLION RECORD SALES WORLDWIDE. 8 MULTI-PLATINUM ALBUMS. 9 GRAMMY AWARDS. MARY J BLIGE! FEATURING JESSIE J! Ha, they do not list any of Jessie J's achievements. I was hoping for LEAST SUCCESSFUL COACH ON <i>THE VOICE UK</i> FOR TWO SERIES RUNNING!<i> </i>to flash up at some point. They're singing 'Do You Hear What I Hear', and Jessie is oversinging the shit out of her part as per usual. Girl should know better than to attempt to upstage Mary J Blige. You just do not do that. Also, I bet Mary J and Jessie J are really cross that someone beat them to the group name Union J. Dermot arrives, and Mary J explains that basically she roped in Jessie J for this song because she and David Foster thought it might help to shift a few more units in the UK. Jessie J ticks off the "honoured" and "blessed" parts of the gratitude checklist, and then they're gone.<br />
<br />
Ad break, featuring a "very special" commercial in which Gary Barlow teams up with Aleksandr the Meerkat. There's a gag at the end about Gary paying the bill for the fireworks, but I'm sure the accountant who found those convenient tax loopholes can sort that out for him.<br />
<br />
When we return, it's the moment we've all been waiting for - the voting lines have closed! Oh, and One Direction are on. 35 MILLION RECORD SALES WORLDWIDE! NUMBER ONE HITS IN 64 COUNTRIES! 2 BILLION YOUTUBE HITS! THE BIGGEST BOYBAND IN THE WORLD! COUNTLESS SHITTY TATTOOS! ONE DIRECTION! They're singing 'Story Of My Life', their new single which is worryingly Mumford-esque. Also, I don't want to think too closely about the line "I spend her love until she's broke inside", because it sounds rather nasty. Perhaps most worryingly of all, Resentful Direction seems to be gradually morphing into Gary Barlow. I know they share a common temperament, but Resentful is much better-looking and far more entertaining, so he should resist this transformation with all of his might.<br />
<br />
Dermot arrives, and begins with the usual invitation to shill the album, which Resentful does resentfully. Zayn says it's amazing to be home and be with the UK fans again. Dermot offers Resentful his microphone, and Resentful is all "I've got my own, BUT THANKS" (RESENTFUL DIRECTION ♥) and is unconvincingly excited about having a film and a tour and stuff. Hating every second, and we love him for it. Harry's highlight is being back here, Not So Tiny These Days Nicholas Hoult's was performing at the Brits, and Niall enjoyed being at the VMAs. Dermot does the whole "if a judging role came up, who would make the best judge?" thing, and seriously, stop with the "if" already, Gary and Sharon have already said they're out after this series. One Direction suggest that they just swap Gary for Resentful, and JESUS CHRIST YES THAT WOULD BE AMAZING. Just imagine him seething behind that desk on a weekly basis. That'd sort out the ratings problems in a heartbeat.<br />
<br />
Adverts. One Direction have a fragrance out, and Diana Vickers is celebrating this fact by singing 'My Favourite Things' down her nose.<br />
<br />
When we return, Dermot explains that next week we have an <i>X Factor </i>first: the contestants will be singing two songs, one of their own choice and one from "the <i>X Factor </i>jukebox" chosen by the public. There's a quick VT to explain how it all works, but basically everyone's picked three ballids and we can decide which one they'll perform by using the app. Yeah, I think I'll not bother if it's all the same to you.<br />
<br />
Dermot welcomes the top six acts back to the stage, and the following contestants are safe in no particular order: Luke, Wee Nick, Sam and Tameramnesia, leaving Hannah and Rough Copy in the sing-off. Tamera can't quite believe it, while Hannah rolls her eyes all "oh well, here we are AGAIN". There appears to be some booing in the room, though I wouldn't like to speculate as to whether it's for Tamera being safe, or the other two being in jeopardy.<br />
<br />
Final ad break. Apparently Matthew Wright is being a twit on <i>I'm A Celebrity</i><b style="font-style: italic;">. </b>Who knew?<br />
<br />
Upon our return, Dermot refers to this as a "shock result", which...really? Hannah's been here twice already, and as much as I like Rough Copy, they were bound to run out of steam sooner or later.<br />
<br />
Hannah's up first, and sings 'I'd Rather Go Blind' with an air of weary resignation, which sort of works for the song in a weird way. Still, they really need to stop letting her sing right down at the bottom of her range, because it's really not pleasant. It's a proper brown note area. Afterwards, Rough Copy sing 'Stop Crying Your Heart Out' in their quest for salvation, and the grand tradition of boy band sing-off performances always being quite rubbish continues unabated. There are some nice harmonies in there from time to time, but it's a bit lifeless. I'd almost be inclined to tip this one to Hannah if this weren't her third time here.<br />
<br />
Hannah rejoins them on stage, and it's over to the judges to decide who'll be departing tonight. Nicole's up first and she's quivering with rage, because THESE TWO SHOULD'VE BEEN IN THE FINAL, DAMMIT. She says very pointedly that she's "disappointed and furious with the British public right now" for putting Hannah in the bottom two for a third time. Dermot's all "yeah, that's lovely, just give me a fucking name already". Nicole votes to send Rough Copy home. Gary thinks they were both great last night, and it's surprising that they're both here tonight. He says this with all the enthusiasm of someone reading aloud from the back pages of his vacuum cleaner's instruction manual. He votes to send Hannah home. Sharon thinks that neither of them should be here based on last night's performances, but since this is Hannah's third time in the sing-off, she has to send her home even though she doesn't want to. So it's all down to Louis, who thinks it's amazing to have two talented acts in the bottom two when they remembered all their words. I live for Louis throwing shade at Tamera, I really do. It's so crass, and so wonderful. Again, Dermot has no time for this shit and essentially says "look you goon, you can't vote for Tamera, so who do you want gone out of these two?" Louis doesn't want to send anyone home, but he's going to vote, and the act he's sending home is Hannah.<br />
<br />
Hannah takes it with a grin - she knew this was coming, I think. Rough Copy swarm her and refuse to leave her alone even though the show is running late and Dermot is getting angry. We see Hannah's best bits, which include a few reminders that her father is dead, just for good measure. It's basically a montage of a talented girl wearing some awful outfits. God, the stylists really had it in for Hannah, didn't they? Dermot asks a tearful Hannah what her highlight has been, and Hannah says she feels so blessed to be here, and if she had to go out against anyone, she's glad it was Rough Copy because she wants them to win.<br />
<br />
Next week: more fun with homophobic slurs as Arthur James returns, and HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK. (That's Rebecca Ferguson for "Rebecca Ferguson will be here too.") Rad will be your guide for the latest iteration of "songs that are songs week", and she has my eternal sympathy. <i>[TWO FUCKING PERFORMANCES EACH. WHY GOD WHY? - Rad]</i>Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-52448369689162196232013-11-24T15:10:00.000+00:002013-11-25T23:17:11.131+00:00Here's one we did earlier<b>Top 6: The Best of <i>The X Factor</i> Week - 23 November 2013</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Last weekend: <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/the-heebie-gbs.html">this happened</a>, then <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/calla-hanged.html">this happened</a>. Tonight, we open with a montage of all the winners in the history of ever - in a rare moment of total honesty, they do not airbrush out the existence of any of the following people: Brookstein, Steve; Jackson, Leon; Thornton, Kate. In a moment of rather less honesty, however, this weekend has been designated "<i>The X Factor</i>'s 10th birthday party!" Why? Nobody knows. It is not the anniversary of the first-ever show. It's not the anniversary of the first-ever final. At best, it's the anniversary of that week that Tabby beat Cassie in the sing-off, which was barely noteworthy at the time much less ten years later.<i> [Nine years later, surely? It's ten series of the X Factor, but only its ninth anniversary. Ten years ago was a much more innocent age, wasn't it? - Rad] </i>I'm sure that the whole birthday theme <i>definitely </i>has nothing to do with the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Day_of_the_Doctor">fiftieth anniversary episode of a certain other show happening over on BBC One right now</a> (I could be a total bitch here and point out that it's more like the 36th anniversary of the show if you discount all of those years when it was cancelled, but I daren't because Rad knows where I live) <i>[Or you could even say it was the 51st if you're counting by X Factor's standards - Rad]</i>. The long history of this blog stands testament to the fact that I rarely have much sympathy for this show, but there really is something sad and desperate about the air of "don't watch the other side! We can have a birthday too! Here, have a party horn, PHWEEEEEEEEP!" that pervades tonight's show. It's like the light's gone out of <i>The X Factor</i>'s eyes. Honestly, if you'd told me three years ago that <i>The X Factor </i>would be this scared of going head-to-head with <i>Doctor Who</i>, I'd have laughed you right out of my office (/living room). Mind you, when the best defence you can offer against the televisual event of the year (it says here) is Olly MURS and some people singing some songs that remind you of when this show had memorable contestants, it's a bit of a rum do all round really.<br />
<br />
Anyway, present for the not-birthday party are Gary and his yes men, Rough Copy; Nicole and her top two girls, Hannah and Tamera; Louis and his top two boys, Luke and Wee Nick (incidentally, Louis claims "I know a winner when I see it, and I've got two", which suggests that even though he's been here for ten years, he still doesn't quite understand how this show works, because even Cheryl was never allowed to have two winners in the same year, even though I'm sure they'd have tried if they thought they could get away with it); and Sharon and presumed Winner-Elect, Sam The Screw. Sharon declares that "no one gets a party started like Mrs O" (though I'd imagine that Sharon's main party-skill is chucking out all the drunks at the end) and Nicole drunkenly wears a party hat and fails to operate a party popper. Actually, to save my fingers from unnecessary typing, just assume that the adverb "drunkenly" applies to everything Nicole does for the rest of the series. It's Time! To Face! Some Old Music!<br />
<br />
Here comes Giant X. Doesn't look a day over nine, bless it.<br />
<br />
Stevie Wonder's 'Happy Birthday' plays as Dermot enters, but quickly transitions into Olly MURS's 'Dance With Me Tonight'. It's almost as if they don't want us to look too closely at the whole "birthday" thing lest it collapse entirely, isn't it? There's no waistcoat this week, which I'm sure Helen will be pleased about, though I feel like a knitted tie is not an especially good look on Dermot. Or indeed anyone who isn't a Classics teacher. Dermot actually rolls his eyes as he says "birthday weekend". Oh, Dermot. It's you I feel sorry for the most. You sold your soul for a mess of pottage. Dermot reminds us that Olly MURS is here tonight, and One Direction and JLS will be here tomorrow. My soul hope for the redemption of this weekend is that Resentful Direction will say something pissy in the post-performance interview. DON'T LET ME DOWN, RESENTFUL DIRECTION.<br />
<br />
There's a montage of every single version of the judging panel playing behind Dermot (except for the six seconds that Brian Friedman was a judge, because LOL) <i>[I miss NotLouis so much. Not as a judge, obviously - Rad] </i>as he introduces this year's models. (Incidentally, my good friend and our former colleague Joel reminded me of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DtJJCOONpo">this</a> yesterday, and suddenly I seriously miss Kelly Rowland and her <i>Mean Girls </i>cough.) So what's everyone wearing to the party? Gary's in a black dinner suit with a skinny black tie, Nicole is serving <i>Hunger Games </i>realness in a black gown that's slashed all over the place, Sharon is in a white gown (with a massive train, natch) with ridges all over it like a 1970s sofa, and Louis is in his favourite velvet blazer and non-matching trousers.<br />
<br />
Dermot reminds us that over the years this show has discovered some brilliant performers, going on to switch to his ooh-a-bit-dodgy voice as he says "as well as some more..." - a sentence that remains unfinished as he's interrupting by Gary Barlow walking past him. Sometimes the best jokes in the world are the ones that happen by accident, aren't they? Also, Nicole sees that the camera is right behind her and starts leaning over the desk and semi-twerking. Oh, Drunkole. You of all the judges know best how to get through the next 90 minutes.<br />
<br />
We have a lot of time to fill tonight, but since this year's contestants are dullards, we're opening with "an Essex boy who was runner-up in 2009" (but would've lost to Jedward had it gone to DEADLOCK at top six, NEVA 4GET) and is now a huge <strike>bellend</strike> success: Olly MURS. Incidentally, if you haven't seen the episode of <i>90210 </i>where a teenage professional surfer refuses to work with Liam unless Navid arranges for Olly MURS to come and perform for her (and let's face it, who apart from me would ever put themselves through such a thing?), it truly beggars belief. I watch a lot of shows on the CW, so I know from shonky product placement, but that was almost certainly the most incongruous shoehorning in of a musical guest act since Sabrina The Teenage Witch was obsessed with the Violent Femmes for one solitary episode. Anyway, Olly sings his new single 'Hand On Heart', which is fairly dreadful but benefits from comparison with <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdCslA8xs98">this monstrosity</a> which I had the misfortune to witness being performed live on <i>The Graham Norton Show </i>the other night. Nobody should ever have to endure that. Eventually it ends, and MURS plugs his new special edition album "which is out this weekend, I think it's Monday, I think." It's not been a good week for Essex boys, has it? First Joey Essex <a href="http://metro.co.uk/2013/11/20/im-a-celebrity-favourite-joey-essex-reveals-latest-handicap-i-cant-blow-my-nose-4194971/">can't tell the time or blow his nose</a>, and now Olly MURS doesn't know what a weekend is. Well, at least he's in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhfpBW-nUWk">good company</a>, I suppose. Dermot asks Olly what his memories of the show are, and he remembers "getting a few moans off Simon". I'm sure I wasn't the only person making the universally recognised gesture for "blowjob" here. Olly endorses Rough Copy and Sam The Screw, and then leaves.<br />
<br />
Time for the first ac...oh, no, it's an ad break. Before we've even had a single performance. Eesh. Also, this whole idea of making an event of the premiere of a Christmas advert is getting very silly now.<br />
<br />
When we return, it's time for Louis and the boys, specifically "Scotland's finest Nicholas McDonald". Whether this means other countries have some better Nicholas McDonalds is still to be determined. This week, Wee Nick went home to sing at Scotland's national stadium because some people were doing something with a ball (this is pretty much the sum total of my sports knowledge). After that, he went to meet with Louis who told him that he would be singing 'The Climb' this week, because Mawliddle Jor McElderry had a bit hit with it. (Just not with anything else.) Wee Nick says that he and his family always voted for Jor when he was on the show, and Louis arranges for Jor to come and give Wee Nick a pep talk. Jor tells Wee Nick that he reminds him of himself when he was on the show (at which point an entire nation goes "...in the closet?") and Wee Nick performs the track for Jor, who advises him to ad lib a bit more during the key change. Also to have a back-up plan that involves doing lots of opera and mumpop in case it turns out you're not all that commercial.<br />
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Wee Nick is placed upon the Rebecca Ferguson Memorial Podium Of Immobility and wearing high-waisted jeans that make him look even shorter than usual. As with pretty much all of Wee Nick's performances, it's entirely adequate but not much more than that. The obligatory choir gets wheeled out to make A Moment happen, but there's not really enough oomph in the performance for that.<br />
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Sharon begins by wishing Wee Nick a happy birthday, though whether this is his actual birthday or merely a day on which he's decided to celebrate it is anyone's guess at this point. Sharon loves the song, and says that Wee Nick is so reliable, and solid as a rock. There's a ringing endorsement if ever I heard one. Gary calls it "another great performance", but wants him to work on his identity by...going away this week and "download[ing] people the same age as you". What, downloading them INTO HIMSELF? Well, I guess it worked that week when Rachel Adedeji temporarily replaced her own personality with Stacey Solomon's. Nicole wants to give Nicky Blue Eyes a big hug, but refrains, instead commenting on how his hands were "living while he was singing", and saying that this is exactly the sort of song that should be on his album. Louis closes by saying that he's been doing the show for ten years, and Nicholas is one of the best vocal contestants he's ever worked with.<br />
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Dermot arrives with a genuinely shit cake that looks like it's made out of plasticine, in which Wee Cakey Nick is performing on a Wee Cake, being judged by four Cakey Judges who bear about as much resemblance to their real-life counterparts as I do to Jennifer Lawrence. The audience sings 'Happy Birthday To You' in a highly disorganised fashion, Dermot tries to interview Wee Nick, Wee Nick is too busy laughing to say anything. Dermot disinterestedly shills the app once he's gone. <i>[I love how disdainful Wee Nick was towards that... thing. With that and his pleas for songs he might have heard of, he's going up in my estimation - Rad]</i><br />
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Ads. Jonathan Ross claims that Gary Barlow is a "national treasure". In that case, can we bury him?<br />
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When we return, Dermot is in the audience with some former contestants: Chico, Shayne Ward, Johnny Robinson and Rylan. I bet Shayne was thrilled when they showed him to his seat next to all the joke acts. <i>[My favourite bit was when Dermot called him 'Warney' because he clearly doesn't know the difference between Shayne Ward and Shane Warne. And then Shayne's look of utter 'Who is this cunt? Where's Kate Thornton?' - Rad] </i>Also, no Goldie? No Wagner? Fuck this noise. Oh, and Harry Hill's here as well. Have you seen the clips from the forthcoming <i>X Factor </i>musical that he wrote? It looks fucking dreadful. Harry complains that Simon isn't here. I think Simon is a little bit too busy trying to get the ratings for the US version back above six million.<br />
<br />
Over to Nicole and her "little angel", Hannah Barrett. Last week, Hannah's performance of '(I Can't Get No) Breath Control' was an all-round disaster, but somehow she avoided the bottom two to everyone's surprise, not least her own. Hannah's VT explores how she can't say "adrenaline", and that she will be singing 'Hallelujah' by Alexandra BURKE. Nicole has arranged for Alexandra to meet Hannah this week, presumably because Alexandra has nothing else to do these days. I think she might actually have been covering Hannah's shifts in Greggs for her. (The post-show decline of Alexandra Burke still makes me sad. She deserved better, she really did.) Anyway, Hannah's very excited to meet Alexandra, and Alexandra is very excited to be relevant again. She tells Hannah that the song is a chance to "really be vulnerable and speak your heart out through words and through song". Yes, that's nonsensical but it's still better feedback than Darcey Bussell has given out on <i>Strictly </i>all series.<br />
<br />
Hannah mushmouths her way through the song in a way that seems to involve "David Blaine". I will always love that Simon Cowell chose a winner's single with the line "you don't really care for music, do ya?" in it, and no one will ever be able to convince me that this was not a deliberate and highly successful act of trolling. Anyway, Hannah is wearing Caligula's curtains and struggling with some of the low notes. She is on a podium as well. Is every performance tonight going to be a stealth tribute to Rebecca Ferguson? The choir is activated for this performance too, but they remain at the back of the stage rather than parading out to the forefront like they did for Wee Nick.<br />
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Louis says she gave "a very emotional interpretation" and he thinks it was her best performance to date. Sharon thinks Hannah is getting more comfortable with herself each week. Gary tells Hannah that he loves she doesn't pick songs just because they're obvious vote-getters. The sales performance of Alexandra BURKE's version <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hallelujah_(Leonard_Cohen_song)#Commercial_performance_2">begs to differ</a>. He says that she turns out amazing performances every week and he loves how she gets better and better each week and recovers so well from being in the bottom two. Nicole, sniffing: "You know it touches you when there's snot, y'know?" She tells Hannah that although that song has been sung a hundred gazillion times, nobody can do it like Hannah just did. A beaming Hannah tells Dermot that the song means a lot to her, and she gave a performance from the heart.<br />
<br />
Stop! Filler time: here's a montage of things wot the judges have done over the last ten years. Basically, Sharon threw water over people every week, Louis TOOK IT TO DEADLOCK and Gary threw a hissyfit, and Sharon got owned by a door that one time. That's pretty much it.<br />
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Dermot asks the judges what their highlights have been from their time on the show. Louis's highlight is getting hired every year, except for that time in series four when he was briefly fired. Sharon's is RIGHT NOW, because she's with the BEST JUDGES EVARZ. Oh cram it, Osbourne. Gary's was being chased around an arena by Goldie Cheung. (YES.) Nicole's was having all three of her acts in the quarter-final, and then having both the winner and the runner-up in her first year. (Again, YES.)<br />
<br />
Back to Louis and the boys, and here's Luke Friend. Luke was very upset to be in the sing-off last week, until he had a TOWIE moment with Wee Nick where they "found out" that Adull had tweeted that she wants him to win after hearing that sing-off performance. That she could so easily be impressed by this <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4J4e3AdnQU">scratchy mess</a> calls Adull's taste seriously into question. Well, that alongside most of her own material, obviously. Louis reminds us that last time he had this category, he won with Shayne Ward, so he calls Shayne in to mentor Luke...on his performance of One Direction's 'What Makes You Beautiful'. Shayne's reaction is that of a man who wasn't privy to that particular detail when he agreed to be a guest mentor for Songs By Former Contestants Week. Of course, Luke's going to change the song up and therefore Take A Massive Risk in the process, and he shrugs that people will either love it or hate it. Or be spectacularly indifferent to it, which is an option none of these people ever really seem to consider. After all, being in the bottom two doesn't necessarily mean you're hated, it might just mean that people don't care.<br />
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Anyway, Luke wails 'What Makes You Beautiful' in a way that Bono might sing it, if Bono were to ever do such a thing. It is the polar opposite of pleasant, but it's still better than that godawful performance he gave in the sing-off last week, so...he's moving in the right direction, I suppose.<br />
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Sharon gets back on the 'dark horse'...horse, and says that Luke's really coming into his own now, adding that everything he does "has that little naughty edge to it". Yeah, shoving One Direction through the Acoustic Validator in an entirely workmanlike fashion is REALLY edgy. Gary tells Luke that being in the bottom two could've been THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO HIM, and it was a personal highlight for Gary because of the performance it provoked in the sing-off. So that's both Gary Borelow and Adull both officially on the "shit taste in music" list, then. It must be some sort of inherent quality in thoroughly tedious people. Maybe there should be a study. Gary continues: "at this point, we should be seeing album tracks every week", which is as close as you're ever likely to get to a one-sentence description of everything that is wrong with Gary Barlow as an <i>X Factor </i>judge, because at this point we should be getting <i>future number one hits </i>every week. Nobody buys albums any more, Grandpa. Nicole loves that Luke took the risk and says that she barely recognised the song. Which is apparently a good thing. Louis thinks the risk paid off, and he hopes the One Direction fans liked it. I think that's unlikely, but there's no harm in dreaming big, is there? Louis hopes, like Sharon, that Luke makes the final. Luke says that the judges have given him so much happiness and confidence. Dermot reminds him that Adull "tweeted him" this week, and can we please acknowledge that mentioning a person's existence on Twitter is not the same as "tweeting them"? She didn't specifically direct that tweet at Luke, she mentioned him in passing. Subtle, but valid, distinction.<br />
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More ads. Apparently buying an Xbox One gets you up close and personal with Steven Gerrard and Zach Quinto. That's quite an enticing sales pitch.<br />
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When we return, Caroline is doing some more Backstage Bothering and introducing Shayne Ward by saying unfortunately-phrased thing like "previous winner from last time Louis had the boys". I think I've already exceeded my quota of jokes about Louis's sexuality for this series, so let's move swiftly on. Also, I don't care what Shayne thinks because being shamefully ignored while standing right behind Caroline are 2 SHOES, cackling away at a private joke and enjoying the hospitality. So robbed. Rylan is there also, making loud noises and blowing kisses at Gary, while Chico reveals that Hannah is his favourite, and also that Tamera won some sort of contest that he hosted at Butlin's eight years ago that he didn't even remember until Tamera's mum told him.<br />
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Time for Rough Copy next. Last week they had fun watching "Uncle Gary" perform. That contestant-mentor relationship just gets creepier and creepier, doesn't it? They were in the audience for his sound check on Sunday, and took the opportunity to turn the tables and provide him with some much-needed feedback, although sadly they did not go with "write a better song" like I would've done. They hope if they keep working hard, they'll have a career like Gary's. Hopefully not his solo career. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. This week, Gary told them that they aren't having enough fun and need to have more fun. Quite how Gary Barlow: Enemy Of Entertainment is any sort of qualified judge on this remains a mystery. His solution, however, is to take them to a shitty-looking funfair at Hyde Park. This is not a great situation for Joey, who was scared of all the rides but was forced to go on them anyway by Gary/the producers/people with knives. He decides to calm down by going on a carousel. Sterling and Kaz dismiss this as "a kid's ride", and Joey shoots back that "it's not a kid's ride! It's suited for all ages!" I love him.<br />
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However, the fun couldn't last: after that they had to go and meet BixMix because they're singing a song that the girls performed while they were on the show, specifically 'Don't Let Go (Love)' by En Vogue. I love the subtext here that none of BixMix's own material is worth covering. Somebody who looks like St Jesy but cannot be because she isn't wearing leggings of any sort, let alone ugly ones, says that she wants to see them bring out their R&B side because that's where their strength lies. St Jesy Impersonator tells them that they're a boy group doing a girl group song, but if they can Make It Their Own(TM), then they'll be fine.<br />
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They've swapped their trademark leather skirts for some sort of cross with camouflage gear and winter sportswear. I am unsure how I feel about this; it's a bit like Sam Callahan wearing a long-sleeved shirt, in that it makes me worry they've just lost the source of all their powers. That said, it's still a throughly solid performance of an absolutely awesome song, and given the lacklustre atmosphere of the evening, it's enough to put them at the head of the pack for me.<br />
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The performance gets a rapturous reception, and Nicole says that last week the boys were giving vanilla scoops, but this week they added some caramel, hot chocolate and some "sha-sprinkles" all over it. Nicole's still my favourite judge on the show, but every single comment like that makes her lose her lustre a tiny bit more in my eyes. Louis thinks there's a gap in the market for them, and they could be "the UK Boyz II Men". I fail to see how anything that Rough Copy have done is even remotely Boyz II Men-like, but I'm not sure that any of Louis's comparisons are based on anything stronger than a common skin tone, so I think it's best we move right along. Sharon, however, found the song "awfully whiny". The entire planet is momentarily knocked off its axis by the sheer brass neck of that comment, while I create an entirely new list of People Whose Music Taste Is Even Worse Than Gary Barlow's And Adele's and put Sharon right at the top of it. You may leave the table, Mrs O. Your services are no longer required here. Especially since Sam The Screw is pretty much self-sustaining at this point. (The audience boo her for her comments about the song, which is the first time in a long time that the audience and I have held common ground.) Gary says that there's nobody like out there, and they did a really great job.<br />
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Dermot arrives chanting "Arsey! Arsey! Arsey!" Kaz says that they wanted to bring back the urban flavour this week. Dermot asks Joey about his "ski-slope chic" and Joey laughs that he's got "SWAAAAAAAAAAG". Suddenly I'm disappointed that nobody is singing 'Swagger Jagger' this week.<br />
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JLS-approved ad break, featuring Waitrose party food. Now I'm hungry.<br />
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Our penultimate act of the evening is Tamera. In her VT, Nicole asks Tamera what was going through her head last week. Certainly not "the words", that's for sure. Tamera says that forgetting the lyrics in sound check had been playing on her mind as well. Nicole advises her to treat this as a learning experience, but Tamera is fretting that she's let herself down. She declares that there's "no room for mistakes any more." (LOL WHOOPS.) This week Tamera will be singing 'Impossible' by Shontelle, as covered by comedy homophobe Arthur James, who is apparently coming back next week with Rebecca Ferguson as the show attempts to set the record for Worst Combination Of Returning Contestants In Reality TV History.<i> [FUCK FUCK FUCK. AND I have double songs week. AND it's 'songs which are songs' week. *CRIES* - Rad] </i>I think they might just take it, although if casting rumours are to be believed, <i>Dancing On Ice: All Stars </i>and season 24 of <i>The Amazing Race </i>are going to take some beating. Nicole thinks Tamera can have Her Moment with this song. This week, Tamera met Olly MURS for no reason other than Arthur James was too busy having SMS fights with Lucy Spraggan and watching his album sales go down the toilet because apparently people don't like it when you call someone "a fucking queer" and then try to defend yourself by claiming that this is not a phrase that has any sort of homophobic intent behind it. Olly MURS suggests to Tamera that sometimes the best way to prepare for your performance is to remind yourself who you were before you started in the competition. I imagine this process for Olly runs something like: "oh, that's right: still a bellend."<br />
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Tamera has a severe blonde bob going on this week, which is quite nice but when you combine it with the slightly lost expression she's wearing for most of the performance, it does make her look a bit like Dougal from <i>The Magic Roundabout</i>. In other news: the arrangement is too low for Tamera, she forgets her words again and in the process of getting herself back on track somehow arrives at the chorus a couple of bars too early, has to sit out another bar waiting for the backing track to catch up with her, and then about five seconds later all the stress makes her forget her words again. Well, Nicole promised Tamera she was going to have A Moment with this song, and she certainly did, but I suspect this wasn't quite what either of them had in mind. To be fair, she does manage to drag her performance more or less back on track in the back half, but really, there's only so much recovery you can hope for after a fuck-up of that scale.<br />
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Louis is ANGRY with Tamera, because she's the one with the potential to be a worldwide superstar, but she can't do that if she doesn't remember the words. Yes, who could possibly have foreseen this? Oh, that's right: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUbZdMbfNmU">EVERYONE</a>. Louis tells her that this is absotively posilutely the last time she can forget her words. This week, anyway. Sharon tries a more supportive approach, telling Tamera not to get down on herself, because she ticks all the boxes (apart from "memory") but tells her to imagine what would happen if she was "lip-singing" (oh Sharon) because it would be something else entirely coming out. Still, Sharon's pleased with her for not giving up entirely, and also she likes her hair. Gary says it was hard to watch, and he doesn't know how we're going to solve this problem because they've seen it several times now. Also, being Barlow, he wants to pitch about the song being in the wrong key and too low for her, as if anyone even remembers that at this point. Nicole says she's proud of Tamera for keeping on going and fighting through it and also being ONLY SIXTEEN even though she looks like she's in her twenties (Nicole's words, not mine), but they just need to conquer her lyrics-remembering demons. Dermot rushes in because they're running over time (which couldn't possibly have anything to do with a superfluous performance from Olly MURS or all that time spent going "ten years of our marvellous judges!" or anything like that) and tries - and fails - to cut Nicole off mid-sentence. He asks Tamera what went wrong, and Tamera mumbles that she just got inside her head a bit too much. "Do you think you tried too hard?" prompts Dermot frantically, in a desperate attempt to save the situation, and Tamera says "...maybe", adding that she put everything into that song. Apart from the lyrics, that is. <i>[I think the thing this week really brought home to me is that she is too young for this. She's younger even than Wee Nick, and whilst she looks older, and has an attitude you might take for someone at least two or three years older, she is only sixteen, and all this talk of having the potential to be a global superstar is probably too much for her, especially coupled with the work ethic needed to do this show and sing new songs weekly. She really should have waited two or three years before doing this show - Rad]</i><br />
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Adverts. BUY THINGS FOR CHRISTMAS.<br />
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When we return, the car-crash continues as Dermot throws to Sharon to do the final intro of the night, and Sharon is not paying the slightest attention and just sits there staring until Dermot prompts her a second time. This week, Sharon is "sick of reading all those things in the paper" about Sam The Screw, though doesn't specify what any of those things actually are apart from making vague references to them being about her being too old to win. <i> </i>Come on, <i>X Factor</i>! Flash us up some scandalous headlines like you used to! Where's your fighting spirit? Sam says that she wants to sing for a living, and she has to prove that she can do it every week. Sharon's picked 'Bleeding Love' for Sam to sing, because she thinks that Sam is the only contestant who's close to having Leona's RANGE, DAHLING. Sam is worried about coming across as a cheap Leona impersonator. Leona herself stops by to reassure her, and Sam says that she's worried she's not good at putting her own spin on things, while Leona sits there and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZzV_0ORwlM">identifies with this strong female protagonist</a>, and then advises Sam to just remember to do a few things differently with the song just to differentiate herself from the original. Some real trade secrets there. Thanks Leona!<br />
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Apparently the things that Sam is going to differently in her performance of 'Bleeding Love' are: sing it in The Club Voice, make a crywank face, and sing a few lines from the bridge randomly again at the end, so that the song finishes halfway through a sentence. <i>*slow clap*</i> Also, can anybody please verify if that is indeed <i>So You Think You Can Dance </i>series one winner Charlie Bruce on Sam's right, serving as a backing dancer/vocalist? It certainly looks like her.<br />
<br />
Gary tells Sam that she's really modernised her vocal this week, flipping between her chest voice and her head voice like "the modern-day divas". Nicole says that all she cares about with Sam is if she means it, and she did. Louis thinks Tamera should watch this performance back and see what a star looks like. Yikes - this show really did hop off the Tamera train and rip up the tracks in front of it. Louis thinks she can sell records worldwide, and she's the person to beat. Then apparently Nicole shouts something about Tamera being ONLY SIXTEEN and how this is therefore an unfair comparison, and Louis replies that Wee Nick is ONLY SIXTEEN (who celebrated his 17th birthday on this show about an hour ago, right in front of Louis) and so is Hannah (who is 17). Oh, Louis. Sharon finishes by saying that she's so thankful to have Sam in her category and "don't believe what you read in the papers, we need your votes". Ah, okay, so that at least is a definite reference to all those leaks about Sam being miles ahead in the votes at this point. Still, it's a fair comment - other people who had been leading the vote consistently only to have the wheels come off more or less around this stage in the competition include Eoghan Quigg and Janet Devlin, so I understand her concerns. Dermot arrives, and Sam replies to Louis's comments by saying that she wishes she'd had a voice like Tamera's at 16. Well-played, Sam Bailey.<i> [Sam handled that brilliantly, I thought - Rad] </i>Sam dedicates the song to her daughter, because she loves Leona and Sam misses her. Her daughter, that is, not Leona Lewis.<br />
<br />
And thus, the lines are open. Time for a quick recap: Wee Nick reminding us that it's not about how fast you get there, it's about what's waiting on the other side (eventual public indifference), Hannah reliving Alexandra's finest <i>X Factor </i>moment that did not involve crying on Beyoncé, Luke seeing if he can get negging to work for him, Rough Copy out-BixMixing BixMix, a bit of the song where Tamera actually did remember the words, and Sam wearing a red dress while singing about bleeding. SYMBOLISM.<br />
<br />
Dermot welcomes all the acts back onto the stage, and Hannah and Joey Rough Copy giggle about something while Dermot reminds that Sunday's show will include One Direction, JLS, Jessie J and Mary J Blige. Well, I can be excited about one of those four. That's not so bad, is it?Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-62863889919885086032013-11-17T22:09:00.000+00:002013-11-24T11:19:03.659+00:00Calla-hanged<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b>Results week 6 – 17<sup>th</sup>
November 2013 <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Hello! So<a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/the-heebie-gbs.html"> last night </a>it was all about Great British songs
and we begin with a recap. Seven sang and some did their country proud, but
others (Sam Callahan and Tamera) didn’t do as well. <i> [So I'm assuming the show has given up hope of a girl in the final and will be repeatedly giving us the NicSamRoughCopy message? - Rad] </i>Remember these are the ones that weren’t good
and we shouldn’t vote for them. Tonight we’re promised Miley Cyrus and Funsponge
on stage. However, as it’s Time To Face The Music Funsponge declares Rough Copy
the Best of British, Louis and Nicole have a backstage chat about how Nicole
may not be working hard enough as Tamera messed up and Nicole thinks he’s
cruising for a bruising. GIANT X.</div>
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Durrbot arrives on stage and does his ridiculous little
dance. He’s got the waistcoat back. It was a short respite. He reminds us that
voting is a thing and the sing off is a thing before introducing us to the
judges. Tonight’s wardrobe is interesting. Louis is in a blue suit with a green
tie, Sharon in a plain black gown, Nicole in something very spangly and
Funsponge in a checked suit with a spotty shirt. I really don’t understand what
he’s trying to do. NUMBERS!</div>
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It’s time for the group song. It’s Never Forget so that’s a
couple of extra quid for those poor Take That obviously. Rough Copy mess up the
lyrics and Luke has clearly come as
Howard. It’s all very boyband until Tamera and Sambailey come in and sing
everything an octave higher. I have two observations. First is that Tamera is
the only one not wearing Red. I’m not sure if this is some sort of subliminal
message that she’s not a team player. Second is that a boyband’s song looking back
over their career really isn’t the song for these young pups. <i>[Also, half the lyrics are cut, which makes it all sound very weird - Rad] </i>When they finish
Durrbot makes a quip about them not having rehearsed which would be funny if it
didn’t appear to be true. Remember when they pre recorded the song and some people
moaned? Well I want those people to know that this is their fault and I will be
coming for the individuals.</div>
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Durrbot then goes into a ridiculous speech about how last
night was all stiff upper lip and no tears. Who writes this bloody stuff? Here’s
the story of last night. First up is Hannah, backstage she doesn’t have the words
for her happiness and Nicole says that’s how you open a show. Luke thought his
performance was amazing and Sharon likes his individual edge. Sambailey enjoyed every second of her turn and felt glamorous
on her stairs. Sharon thinks there hasn’t been a challenge she’s yet to
meet. Rough Copy have so much passion
and they want everyone to support their versatility. Funsponge thinks Viva La
Vida is a rock song and the group did it incredibly. Sam Callahan feels like he’s
got more to give and he could’ve given more. Sharon is still peddling the
bravery line. Tamera tried her best and gave her all. Nicole thinks that she
understood that the show must go on. Finally Nicholas thinks that it was incredible
to do. Nicole fell in love with him all over again. </div>
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When we come back, Durrbot points to the Backstreet Boys in the
audience. Nicole gives them three words – Ma, hoose and ive. Funsponge makes
some boring speech about them all having started at the same time and having some
kind of bond. Great. Obviously Durrbot thinks he has to bring this circus back
to some kind of order so he asks everyone whose album they’d buy right now. Nicole
says that other than her girls she’d like to hear Rough Copy’s album. Funsponge
wants to say his own act but also goes for Sambailey. Sharon is only going for
Sambailey three times and Louis would buy Nicholas, Sambailey and Rough Copy.
Way to support Sam and Luke there, Louis.</div>
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But first, she’s been controversial but apparently also
talented. It’s Miley! She’s ON THE X FACTOR STAGE and has had a NUMBER ONE
ALBUM IN 70 COUNTRIES and OVER 30 MILLION ALBUMS SOLD WORLDWIDE plus 1 BILLION
VIDEO HITS she’s also THE POP PRINCESS and THE WORLD IS TALKING ABOUT HER.
MILEY CYRUS. Miley is atop a fake sand dune wearing a gold slip dress and a
turban. She also appears to have some fake concrete walls. I’m waiting for her
to start Twerking or some other young people nonsense but she just seems to be
singing the song and not in an awful way. Well, it’s irritating but it’s
competent. I’m not sure what the turban is about though. [<i>I can't believe they had her in a giant sand-art picture singing 'Wrecking Ball' and ignored the opportunity to have a giant wrecking ball swing in from offstage and shatter it, spilling sand everywhere with Miley surfing out on top of it. I mean, COME ON. Brian Friedman would never have missed an opportunity like that. - Steve</i>] She does precisely
nothing mad or interesting through the entire performance and I have to confess
to being a little irritated.</div>
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Durrbot looks at her sand dune and asks if he can keep it. He
can’t. It’s going on tour with her. Well done Durrbot. He mumbles something
then asks when he’s going to get to see her again. She’s touring her Bangerz
across Europe next spring and she hopes to see all of her fans. Durrbot issues
the five minute warning. Where the bloody hell are the adverts? Oh, here they
are. ADVERTS.</div>
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That’s it, the lines are closed so there’s no way you can do
anything now. So yeah, Funsponge has a new album out. Let’s hear some of it
then. We’re reminded that he’s had 35 MILLION ALBUM SALES WORLDWIDE and 15
NUMBER ONE SINGLES and was part of the FASTEST SELLING ALBUM THIS CENTURY. HE’S
YOUR X FACTOR JUDGE and YOUR POPSTAR. <i>[Not mine, honest - Rad]</i><br />
<br /></div>
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He’s also the SMUGGEST MAN ALIVE. It oozes out of his formerly
glutinous pores. He’s as smug looking as Luke’s hair looks smelly. He’s the
only person in the entire universe that looked at Mumford and Sons and saw it
as something to emulate. His performance is sub-Mumford with a bit of anything that’s
ever irritated you thrown in. I can’t adequately describe the horror. He’s also
got a load of pretend percussionists on stage. He gets some dancers up on stage who are
supposed to look like audience members. Not one of them is near him. IT’S EVEN
GOT A FUPPING BANJO SOLO. [<i>Also, it contains the line "this is going to take some getting used to, but I know what's good for you", which is the grossest thing Barlow has done in some time, and I don't say that lightly. - Steve</i>] Oh it’s over and our respite is Durrbot and the fact
that Louis didn’t give him a standing ovation. Louis is asked for a critique.
Louis loved the performance and he owned the stage like a little Elton John.
Don’t ever change Louis. Durrbot wonders if Louis thinks that Funsponge is good
boyband material. Funsponge does a ‘bitch please’ face. Louis thinks he could
make it if he works hard. Durrbot reminds us all that it’s been 14 years since
the last d<s>isastrous</s> solo album. Funsponge is happy for the reaction and
reminds us all that the single is out today and the album next week. </div>
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MOAR ADVERTS</div>
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When we return the VOTES ARE IN so Durrbot welcomes the acts
and their judges to the stage. Tamera
and Hannah look defeated. Rough Copy look terrified. Sambailey shouldn’t wear
high waisted trousers and the boys also look nervous. So who is through? First
it’s Hannah which nobody, including her, can seem to believe. Me either as they
threw the bus so bloody hard at her last night. Louis’ face says it ALL. Next
through is Nicholas followed by Rough Copy and Sambailey. Final one through
is... Tamera leaving Luke and Sam Callahan in the bottom two. Luke looks like
he’s going to vomit. </div>
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EVEN MORE ADVERTS</div>
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When we return it’s all about the sing off. Luke and Sam
return to the stage. Luke has his guitar with him. It’s probably a good idea
that Sam doesn’t. We’re told that Luke is singing first. Louis wants the
audience to give him a big welcome as he sings for survival. He’s singing One
by U2. As soon as he opens his mouth Sam looks defeated. The only thing I get
from Luke’s performance is a sense of what kind of busker he is and this doesn’t
endear him to me but he’s better than Sam. Anyone with ears can hear that. I
also wish he’d put on some socks. </div>
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Louis introduces Sam who is also going to sing his heart
out. He’s doing Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls from off of every Saturday night
Karaoke bar everywhere. Sam attempts to put some emotion into it by doing some
quiet LOUD quiet singing. It’s irritating. I want this to be over so Sam can go
home and we’re saved this indignity every week. Sam even starts pounding his
chest and tearing at his jacket. Please let this one die now.</div>
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So to the vote. Luke and Sam have a big cuddle before it [<i>COMMENCE SLASHFIC - Steve</i>] and
Durrbot reminds us that only one of them can sing next week. They’re going to
Louis first who is abstaining. Durrbot confirms this. Nicole is next. She
thinks Luke sang his heart out and she always connects with him. She then
throws her pen at Sam because she’s frustrated that he only showed his soul
tonight. She’s sending him home. Funsponge congratulates Luke on his performance
and his uniqueness. He’s apparently loved him from the beginning. He turns to
Sam and says it’s his best performance and he’s happy that Sam has taken his
criticism like a man and he has a good work ethic but he’s sending him home. So
that’s it, Sam’s home. Durrbot then asks Sharon as a formality but she’s not listening
so goes into a full speech about how she’s so angry that Sam has waited so long
to connect to the audience as a performer so she’s sending him home. They hug
it out again. Luke leaves the stage and Durrbot calls Sam buddy to add insult
to injury.</div>
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We see his X Factor journey and remember how everyone blew
smoke up his arse until the live shows, interspersed with his family saying how
proud they are of him. Sam is fighting back tears as he thanks Louis and the
judges for his amazing time. He has no regrets and this is just the beginning
of an adventure. Louis reiterates that he’s a good role model because he works
hard to be successful. </div>
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So, join Steve next week for the TENTH BIRTHDAY SPECTACULAR
with JLS, Wand Erection, Olly Murs and, err, Jessie J. I know that’s going to
be some unmissable bile. <i>[I am at the Doctor Who convention all weekend and when I come back I get to recap Strictly meaning I only need to watch X Factor on fast forward. I believe this is what they call winning - Rad]</i></div>
</div>
Helenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14309430718065420406noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-16624405840897461492013-11-17T17:04:00.001+00:002013-11-24T11:10:41.556+00:00The heebie-GBs<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b>Live Shows week 6: British Britain United Kingdom Team GB Week - 16<sup>th</sup> November 2013 <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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Hello, and welcome the week of BRITAIN. I have drawn this
shortest of straws YET AGAIN and have got the Britain Week. Seriously. We need
to get some kind of union involved in this stuff. <i>[We'd offer to give you a good week, but... what good week would that be? - Rad]</i></div>
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Anyway, <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/giving-us-horn-section.html">last</a> <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/abi-ending.html">week</a> Steve talked you through the controversial/indifferent
return of Humouring Robbie Williams With A Big Band Week. Sam Callahan got hit
repeatedly by a big massive bus to the extent that he may as well have been wearing
a sign with “DON’T VOTE FOR ME” above his significantly large head but the
public ignored this and chose to send home the walking John Lewis Advert Abi
Alton, who also had a large public transport vehicle thrown at her in the shape
of the death slot and removing her glasses so nobody knew who she actually was. [<i>She literally never saw it coming. - Steve]</i></div>
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So, as always, to business. Tonight it’s THE GREAT BRITISH
SONGBOOK that’s illustrated by the Royal Wedding, Boris Johnston, Amy Winehouse
and Big Ben. [<i>Isn't he on <a href="http://strictlycomebitching.blogspot.co.uk/">Strictly</a>? - Steve</i>] Not my Britain, anyway. Funsponge and Rough Copy are embracing the
theme like nobody else. Nicole wants her girls to go out with confidence and
self belief. Louis reminds us all that he still has three acts and three Great
British stars. Sharon and Sambailey know that Britain is behind them. We are, but not as much as I’m behind Nicole
doing an awesome Sharon impression complete with bowler hat and Union Jack
flag. She declares that she sounds like her and toddles off, presumably looking
for more gin. Sharon declares that Sambailey pretty much IS BRITAIN. Funsponge
needs your vote but before that, it’s time for the GIANT X.</div>
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The voiceover man says Great Britain for the fifteenth time
tonight already and announces the arrival of Dermot. Dermot arrives onstage to
the musical abomination that is “What does the fox say?” I imagine if the fox
could talk it wouldn’t say RINGADINGADING it would say “oh Dermot, remember
when you used to be good? Remember when you could look in the mirror? Your suit
doesn’t fit and you’re shit at presenting this kind of live television where
you have to be straight laced. I’m glad
you’ve got rid of the waistcoat this week though. Right, I’m off to the Foxy
Bingo with Fantastic Mr Fox, Samantha Fox and Matthew Fox. Laters”. </div>
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He welcomes us to the weekend which started yesterday for
goodness sake. He reminds us that we’re only four weeks away from the final.
Don’t tease us. That seems like so long yet no time at all. He introduces the
judges as people who might not all be British but they’re all fair and enjoy a
good moan. Oh Durrbot, they’re only fair
if it says so in the script. It’s the JUDGES! </div>
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What are they wearing? Well, Louis is in a suit that looks
like it’s been hastily wiped down after committing a particularly gruesome murder.
Sharon is wearing the kind of sparkly tenty number that would’ve appealed to my
six year old self. Nicole is in another dress I would’ve put a Barbie in which
consists of a big bow around the boobs and a long straight skirt and Funsponge
is shaking it up a bit by wearing all black. Wow. That’s some edgy shit right there.
Durrbot tells us that the votes and downloads this week will go to the typhoon
appeal in the Philippines. At least something good will come from this
disaster. </div>
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First to the judge who is apparently as British as cowboys
and apple pie. Oh that’ll be Nicole! It’s funny because none of those things
are British! LOL. It’s Hannah Banana
Barratt! We open with Hannah and Nicole singing Satisfaction together. Hannah
is just lounging in the sofa in couture and Nicole just happened to be hanging
around when there was a camera there. Hannah reiterates that it’s the GREAT
BRITISH WEEK and she’s singing a GREAT BRITISH CLASSIC. Nicole thinks the song
is perfect because it’s all about her struggle about being in the bottom two
without being depressing. I thought it was about drugs but I learn something
new every day watching this crap. Hannah understands. She can’t get no
satisfaction. She says this in a way that NO WAY suggests that she’s finding it
difficult to get laid in a house full of sixteen year old pretty boys. This
seems to be this show’s pitiful attempt at trying to inject some personality
into her after having her entire shtick be ‘sadfass’ for the last god knows how
many weeks. Nicole knows she was gutted
to be in the bottom two but she’s going to make sure it doesn’t happen again. She urges her to get the audience to clap
along with her as it’s an amazing feeling.
Hannah doesn’t seem as sure. In fact, it seems like she’s finally broken
and just letting Nicole do whatever. She agrees that she’s not connecting with
the public and taking Nicole’s advice on just getting them going. Nothing is
mentioned of the fact that she’s probably not connecting with the public
because all they saw her do for the first few weeks is cry. No, she’s got a
personality now! She’s cheery Hannah! We’re told AGAIN that Satisfaction is the
perfect song for her because she’s not getting her own way on this show and we
all know what we do to people who are presumptuous on this show! Again with the
getting the audience to clap. It’s almost like all this participation is in preparation
for her farewell! She’s feeling the pressure but she’s back! </div>
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Hannah is standing on a plinth that actually rotates at the
bottom, like a wedding cake covered with homoerotic dancers. She’s at the top
wearing a dress that makes her look like she’s got brass instruments for bones.
Look at her pedestal! Are you ready to knock her down from it GBP? She sings
well because she’s a good singer. She tries to put her personality in it but
all this amounts to is adding the odd Misha B Memorial Giggle (tm) into it. She
also seems to forget to ask the audience to clap which was put forward so
forcefully.</div>
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Louis is first to feed back. Hannah has opened up the show
(genius critiquing there but possibly also a statement on her placement), it’s
a Rolling Stones song, she was in the bottom two last week. I love Louis. If
you don’t have anything nice to say then just describe what has happened in
front of you. She reminds him of a little Tina Turner and we should all vote
for her. Sharon calls her Hannah Banana and remarks on her smiling and her
lovely singing. She thinks it was a good performance and a great song choice.
Sharon thinks its good she enjoyed her performance and had fun with it. Oh
dear, the At Least You Had Fun kiss of death. Funsponge calls it another brilliant
performance but reminds us that she’s been in the bottom two twice. He’s glad
she’s come back fighting. He can’t promise we’ll vote for her but she would.
Nicole’s going to spend all her money voting because Hannah connected with the
audience and the people at home. <i>[Not that I ever vote, but this was my favourite of Hannah's performances for some time, and my favourite of the night - Rad]</i></div>
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Durrbot doesn’t want to shatter her happy bubble by asking
her any questions, but Hannah says that she had fun for once and she hopes to get
the Satisfaction she’s been trying so hard for. Oh god, just chuck her out now
and save us from all of this. Durrbot nails the coffin firmly shut by
mentioning again how it finally seemed like she was enjoying herself. She’s
going to keep going, trust her. </div>
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BUY THE APP! There’s songs by Elton and the Beatles after
the break. I think we should be doing an appeal to get Myleene a sandwich.</div>
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When we return Durrbot is behind the judges reiterating that
it’s all about BRITAIN. He makes much of the competence of Louis Walsh in that
he has three acts left. Well, who knew that the man behind Westlife knew what
he was doing when it came to crafting acts that teenage girls<i> [/grandmas and mams - Rad]</i> love. Durrbot
says that there’s a lot on Louis’ shoulders having to do three introductions. I’m
sure he’ll manage. He tells us to get
ready for Luke. </div>
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Luke’s segment begins with Louis and his full complement of
boys talking about how ace it would be to have an all boy Final. Louis wonders
what Funsponge would make of that. I don’t
think he’d be happy. To show what a tight knit little gang they all are they
all go ice skating whilst Luke tells us how they’ve all been mates since
bootcamp. Louis reminds them all that they’re friends but they’re also
competition so less of the boys together and more of Luke looking at his tweet
from Seal on his SAMSUNG TABLET and talking about how song choice is everything.
We see Luke meeting Seal in his studio and Seal telling him he’s got a great
voice and Luke telling Seal that it’s his favourite song. Seal seems
unconvinced. Seal would like to know, along with the rest of us, what horror
Luke will be wrapping his proto-dreadlocked head around this week. It’s Your
Song. Luke interviews that it was quite a choice because it’s almost as if the
Great British Songbook was picked as a non category that you can fit just about
anything in to. Seal thinks that Luke will make it HIS SONG. I see what you did
there, Seal. Louis reminds him to get it right, even though Seal thinks he
will. God, Louis. Luke hopes that one day he will write a song that goes into
the Great British Songbook. <i>[Michael Bolton! Seal! This show really is doing well with its contemporary references this year - Rad]</i></div>
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Luke is just standing on stage singing. He manages to make
this as obnoxious as possible by doing this without socks on in Capri pants, in front of a projection of
what is clearly supposed to be a home movie and wearing a scarf tied around his
arm for no discernible reason other than being as much of a twat as he possibly
can be. <i>[He's a total tryhard, but he's only little, so I can forgive him his misplaced attempts at cool a bit. He'll learn. I think one of the reasons this series isn't working so well is that so many of the contestants are SO YOUNG, that it all feels a bit uncomfortable, not just in terms of recapping, but also in terms of the way the judges treat them and, well, the whole thing. I mean, it's one thing going on this in your twenties when you should know what to expect, but to be paraded in front of the country on TV and in the papers when you're only SIXTEEN and everyone around you is SIXTEEN or SEVENTEEN (apart from Sambailey the mum and Rough Copy, obvs) can't be that helpful for your sense of who you are and where you fit in the world - Rad]</i> Luke clearly has been listening to the Ellie Goulding version above all
others. He does a serviceable job though. He sings it well and I manage not to
break my television by keeping my eyes on my laptop.</div>
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Sharon mentions that it’s a big song, not great, big. She then says that he sings like Keef Richards
would sing if he could. Oh Sharon, Jack Sparrow and Keef are not interchangeable.
Someone in the audience shouts a swearword that I can’t make out at her and she
tells them off. Oh primetime. Sharon thinks it was an organic performance. I
think that means he looks like he smells. She then tells the man in the
audience to go home. Funsponge thinks he’s come back fighting after he slagged
him off last week. He hammers home the point that he doesn’t like him by saying
that he’s clearly not a technical singer, that it’s more about style and tone.
Both things that the X Factor general audience understand. He then drops in an
anecdote about how Elton is his mate and they’re on first name terms but he’ll
allow Luke’s version because it’s not the same.
Nicole then amazingly goes on to say that she thinks Luke’s performance
is like his hair in that it’s organic, real, grown through the competition and
it’s full of grit and dirt. It’s also shit. She loves his Luke Friendly stamp
on things. Louis goes down the ‘made the song your own’ route and says that he
always gives a solid performance whilst Sharon attempts to stick her finger up
his nose.</div>
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Durrbot does that thing where he asks a question, answers it
then asks another one. The final one is about song choice and hammering home
the point that Luke picked his song himself. Luke says that he only found out
it was Funsponge’s favourite song just before he came out and he’s glad he did
it justice and finally pleased the world’s most unpleasable man. Durrbot then
says he knows Luke takes his influences from lots of places but probably takes
the most from going ice skating with Louis. They then show a picture of Louis
in a hat that the boys gave him. Luke thinks he should wear it all the time.
Sharon cackles that it makes him look like he’s got another head. It’s like
onesie gate all over again.</div>
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The next act’s mentor is the Queen of Rock which, let’s face
it, is a moniker that could apply to pretty much anyone on the panel. It’s
Sambailey! She interviews that she had an amazing week last week, what with
meeting Michael Bolton and Celine Dion. She tells Celine that she sang ‘Titanic’
last week and an entire nation puts their face to their palms. Celine is nicer
than me about it though and talks to her in the same manner she would a small
child who’s asked to meet her because she’s dying and says that she’s glad
Sambailey sang it because that means she doesn’t have to. Sambailey pretends to
laugh. Sharon then interviews that even though Sambailey’s been getting great
reactions from everyone her feet are firmly on the ground. This is how much
Sambailey’s feet are on the ground:</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->1.<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->She misses the chippy, Steak pie and jam tart
days</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->2.<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->She can make Jam tarts and fart noises with her
kids</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->3.<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->She does the school run</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->4.<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->She has kids</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->5.<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->She combines being a top popstar with being a
mum</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->6.<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->She’s worried that the youngun’s are better than
her</div>
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SEE SHE’S A NORMAL WORKING MUM. She’s singing ‘Something’ by
the Beatles in the style of Shirley Bassey on the gin wearing a dress that
really has been cast off by Sharon. She’s on a staircase to nowhere doing the
Evita arms. Now, I love Sambailey but
this is not the song for her. This is a beautiful, delicate song that a man
wrote from his heart to the woman he loves. Sam sings it like she’s calling
ships home. A bit of a softer hand was needed here I think. It’s written all
over Nicole’s face when they cut to her.
</div>
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Funsponge kicks off the feedback by saying that it was an
incredible performance. He says that he loves being on the show because people
talk to him about it. Oh, that’s not what you’ve been saying in the papers but
never mind. Anyway, one of the things he says that people say to him is can
Sambailey sell records? Well he’s sick of this because there’s no way being a
woman over thirty can stop her. I know that this is an issue but I think the
fact that she’s dull has got more to do with it. He then compares her to Celine
Dion and says that she’ll sell records because she’s brilliant. Nicole compliments
her dress and calls her performance epic. There’s nothing she can’t sing, apart
from quietly. There’s a but though, and Nicole adds ‘Cheeks’ to soften the
blow. Geddit? But, cheeks? Oh NICOLE. I’m sensing you’re not far from Celebrity
Intervention. She has to explain it to Funsponge and it loses all joy. Her but cheeks is that she doesn’t want the
song on Sambailey’s album because she doesn’t want to hear George Harrison sing
The Power Of Love. I see where she’s coming from but Funsponge comes over all
gallant and protests. Sharon says that she’s going to have new songs on her
album. Louis doesn’t agree with Nicole. He loves all the divas and thinks Sam
is as good as them. She’s a world class
vocalist and she gets better every week. Sharon says that Sambailey does
herself and her family proud every week. She thanks the judges for their
comments and urges the public to vote. </div>
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Durrbot then says that if the worst the judges can do is
complain about song choice then she must be on to a winner, doesn’t let her
speak and then says that she’s clearly not had a jam tart Wednesday for a while
as she’s looking good. Sam said she was worried about her performance because
she didn’t really know the song. Ok, probably one of the most famous songs by
the biggest band of all time and she hasn’t heard of it. Let’s move swiftly on.
She says she made it her own, which again, can’t be all that hard when you’re
not au fait with the original and connected with it. Durrbot wants to know if
it’s going to be on her album. She thinks it probably will. Bye Sam!</div>
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ADVERTS! Remember it’s for the Philippines.</div>
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When we return Durrbot is in the crowd with Stirling from
Rough Copy’s mum and a very uncomfortable looking Matt Willis. He introduces
Funsponge as the man responsible for a large chunk of the Great British
Songbook. Yeah, I’ll give you that. It’s Rough Copy! Rough Copy respond to the
British Theme by doing posh accents which is CLEARLY the message that is a
helpful one. Oh dear. Rough Copy then seem genuinely surprised that Funsponge
isn’t a sir. Not as surprised as him after all the stuff he’s done to try and
get there. They think he should be, not
that they’re biased. They then say that Britain is great because they have the
Queen, fish and chips and Buckingham Palace which is a big house. Funsponge
thinks it’s time for the fun to end and get down to business because there’s so
many good singers in the competition. He’s such a good mentor he’s invited them
to perform at a posh do with him. They make much about being introduced by him
even though he does so every week. They say they’ve always seen him on telly
and now they’re singing with him. They’re singing Viva La Vida this week and OF
COURSE Funsponge is friends with Chris Martin. Funsponge thinks that ‘Chris’
will love their version and wants them to do their best. They’ve had a good
week, they’ve got a good song so they’re going to go out and do their best.</div>
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Their best seems to be all about bringing back the Skort as a
fashion item...for men. They sing it well but their Jerusalem Bells are only
ringing and not ringadinging. They do their best but the song is fundamentally
dull and no amount of Christmas bells is going to change that. They do seem
likeable though and I’ve no doubt they’ll do well outside of the competition
but I really, really don’t like the name. Oh here come some men in actual
skirts with timpani drums. Batshit.</div>
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Nicole says they never fail to bring the energy week after
week and they have great chemistry. She felt that their performance was a bit
vanilla and missing the chocolate. They didn’t put their Souli Roots stamp on
to the performance. No, can you IMAGINE if she was still around? [<i>If only. - Steve</i>] She quickly
corrects herself and talks about their Rough Copy stamp but I’m now lost in a
Souli Roots reverie. She doesn’t want them to lose their roots. Louis remembers
they haven’t been in the bottom two so they must be doing something right. He
loves the song and the swagger. Sharon cackles that he wants to be in the group
and how ridiculous a notion this is. Sharon doesn’t know how they managed to
make Coldplay interesting. I beg to differ. Funsponge says he knows they’re an
urban act but they’re good at other things too. He feels that sometimes the
show is a bit serious (!) and that they bring a bit of fun into things (!!) and
he loves the three of them. And fun, suddenly.</div>
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Durrbot then remarks that Louis called Rough Copy snazzy
last week and swagger this week. Louis says the swagger and style make them. He
then asks them about singing a different kind of song and they say that they’re
just trying out different styles to show their versatility. They just love
music and they’re always up for a challenge.
Durrbot then urges Sterling not to get his mum started. <i>[Then they shout ARSEY ARSEY ARSEY a lot - Rad]</i></div>
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<br /></div>
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Break! Only three acts to go! </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Where’s Durrbot going to be this time? Oh look, he’s behind
the judges again. Back to Louis and it’s time for Sam Callahan. Sam Callahan is
STILL HERE and Louis and he wonder what Funsponge is on. Sam says that he’s
watched back the show on YOUVIEW and he feels he’s taken an battering from
Funsponge. Louis wonders if Sam’s confidence is affected. Sam says it isn’t and
Louis basically calls Barlow out on being a tedious fun sponge. Sam thinks that
nobody has seen him for him. He’s a multi instrumentalist who has written songs
since he was 13 and can play the guitar, piano and drums. He and Nicholas have
a chat about the songs they are going to sing. Sam says he would like to do
something different with his guitar. Nicholas thinks he will rock it. He then asks Simon Gavin, HEAD OF MUSIC if he
can play his guitar because HE’S A
PROPER MUSICIAN AND NOT JUST A PRETTY FACE, OK. Simon Gavin thinks that this
will be a HUGE RISK because it will affect his vocals and he only decided this
yesterday. Louis is behind him if he wants to do it. He wants to, because he’s
not going to play it safe.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Safe is what it is. It’s a vaguely substep version of Faith
by George Michaels and he’s singing it in front of some light up speakers. The camera
never lingers on the guitar long enough to tell if he’s actually playing it or
just doing a Tabby and just holding it. [<i>Given how legitimately awful it sounded, I think the guitar was all Sam. - Steve</i>] His playing can’t be that important
though because he chucks the guitar on his back half way through so he can do
some Olly Murs legs for the mams and have a disco with his fake dancer
mates. It’s a bit Karaoke to be honest.
I’ve heard better screeched on a Friday night in a Yates’.</div>
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Sharon begins the feedback by saying he chose the song,
chose to play guitar and he’s brave to have done that. She wants to say that
tonight he seems to have given up when he shouldn’t. He’s apparently very much
still in the race because he has loads of twitter followers. Funsponge didn’t love it, it was risky and
the guitar was out of time. He feels that everyone has been progressing faster
than him but regales him with a story about when he were a lad and he wasn’t
the best singer in the charts but he took the opportunity. He sees that Jamie
is also taking his opportunity and he’s got to respect that. Nicole then goes
on to say apart from the mistimed guitar at the beginning (which I thought was
part of the arrangement) it was good because the fighter came out. He’s got the
right attitude to make it. Louis says he works hard, gives 150% and the girls
have got to vote for him because he shouldn’t be in the bottom two.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Durrbot then asks Sam what he makes of the Judges comments.
Sam thinks they were amazing because he’s a bit stupid and he thanks them, and
says he’ll take the criticism on board and come back fighting.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Caroline is now backstage with Sambailey wondering if little
bits of criticism are harder for her because everyone is so far up her
backside. Sambailey just says that it makes her strive to do better next week.
Caroline loves her. She then wonders what Rough Copy made of the Vanilla comment.
They say that they respect her opinion. Meh. Luke is with his mum and mum steps
in between them lest there’s any funny business. Luke is happy with his
comments and he had the best time ever singing and enjoyed being a bit slower.</div>
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After the break, Tamera! </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Upon our return, Durrbot is in his favourite spot behind the
judges table. He makes a lame joke about having to return the Great British
Songbook to the library tomorrow. He then asks Nicole to introduce her act and
she introduces the Gorgeois Tamera Foster. Tamera loved big band week but remembered that
Sharon told her to put more emotion in and this week she doesn’t want to hold anything back. We’re teased with the
fact that Tamera might have done Bohemian Rhapsody but chose not to in the end
because she realised that it was a bit dark which is like calling Funsponge a
bit boring. She’s going for Diamonds are Forever by Shirley Bassey, but they’re
going to modernise it. Tamera knows that in changing her song she’s got to work
extra hard. Nicole wants Tamera to go a level deeper into the meaning so that
she connects with the audience.
Connecting with the song means that she has to watch it on her Galaxy
Tab until she decides that the diamonds in the song are her dreams and they’re
all she needs. There’s some DANGER! Though, Tamera forgets her lyrics. I HOPE
THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN AGAIN.</div>
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The modernising of the song involved dressing Tamera up as Rihanna,
putting her in a cube and putting some extra Christmas bells in the background.
There’s nothing about it that isn’t pure session singer until she forgets the
words and has to physically stop herself from having a tantrum. She recovers
well but one can’t help but notice that it was her stink face that gave away
the fact she forgot the words and nothing else.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Louis kicks off the feedback by saying she looks great and
it was an unusual song choice for a young girl. He says that even though she
messed up, she recovered well and that’s the important thing. Sharon thinks it’s
bittersweet because it was her best performance to date but she forgot the
words and her stinkface let her down but her stinkface is because she’s a baby.
Funsponge sees great potential but thinks that she hasn’t had her magical showstopping
moment where she looks like a winner. He knows it’s in there and he prays they
get to see it. Nicole thinks she’s already stolen the show so STFU Funsponge.
She’s proud of Tamera because she kept going on the live show and didn’t on the
auditions.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Durrbot goes back to the point about her messing up and
wonders what she thinks it was a tough song but she’s proud of herself. She
realises she messed up but she powered through. YAWN. But if that’s not boring
enough, Nicholas is doing Adull after the break. OH GOOD.</div>
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ADVERTS! So sick of the Christmas ones. It was better when
they were all adverts for toys.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Durrbot’s final post-advert position is again behind the
judges table. He goes to Louis and asks him to introduce his Highland Terrier.
Louis describes Nicholas as Scotland’s finest. Again, I beg to differ because that’s
clearly me. Nicholas and Louis are having a chat about his feedback on Big Band
Week and Nicole saying he’s going to have girls dreaming of him. Nicholas interviews
that he didn’t have much luck with ladies at school but now he’s a popstar they’re
crawling all over him. They stand outside the studio in the rain for him and
they follow him and the cameras around the supermarket. They wait for him
outside the house and they send him fan mail.
Girls want to marry him and everything. He’s 100% single but he doesn’t
want any girls messing up his focus. He’s singing Adult’s Grammy Award winning
song, Someone Like You and he’s nervous because it’s a massive song.</div>
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Nicholas has a Jesus light and the pimp spot so I guess that
we’re supposed to vote for him. He’s singing with a piano and some strings on
stage, but none of this can hide the fact that he’s sixteen and singing a song
which requires several years of pain and bitterness behind it for it to work
and the fact that he’s sixteen and singing a song about his ex having a baby
and being married is well creepy and I’m from Dundee where 30 year old
grandmothers are commonplace. </div>
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Everyone bloody loves it though. Of course they do. Sharon
begins by saying that he never fails to deliver every week. He has a fantastic
voice and she can’t believe the emotion he put into the song as a sixteen year
old SINGLE MAN. Funsponge says he’s reliable but he wants to see more
individuality. LIKE YOU’D KNOW. Nicole calls him her Nicky Blue Eyes and says
his voice is soothing and calming and wants to buy his album. Louis calls it
the best and most honest vocal performance of the night. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Durrbot demands to know how on earth a SIXTEEN YEAR OLD
SINGLE BOY can be more of an individual. Funsponge cites Luke as an example saying
he made the song his own. It’s the sharp edge of the competition and he needs
to make things a bit more Nicholas. Durrbot then asks him about singing at
Hampden on Friday night he says he was honoured and it was an honour. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, that’s it! Lines are open. Let’s have a bit of a recap
of the night and get everyone back on stage before I tell you all to join me
tomorrow to see how those carefully aimed buses land alongside Funsponge
singing on stage and the human trainwreck that is Miley Cyrus. </div>
</div>
Helenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14309430718065420406noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-91779381996484022582013-11-10T23:54:00.000+00:002013-11-12T13:59:04.893+00:00Abi ending<b>Top 8 Results - 10 November 2013</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Subdued studio. The top 8 flank Dermot as he reminds us that we've been voting for our favourites for 24 hours, but two of them will be going home tonight. We then head straight into the recap of <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/giving-us-horn-section.html">last night</a>, which informs us that some acts "came out swinging", while others "fell flat". Interestingly, The Other Sam has been placed in the former category despite getting almost no legitimate praise from the judges, and only Abi and Luke are placed in the latter. It's frequently telling how they choose to frame the performance show in their recap, but I genuinely have no idea what they're trying to do with Sam at this point - are they trying to present him as a contender, or hide all the criticism to avoid him getting a sympathy vote? Mind you, if they were trying to get rid of him, would they really have put him in the pimp slot? I really should stop trying to second-guess this show.<br />
<br />
Tonight! Results, plus Fat Bob and Céline Dion. (Yes, I put the acute accent on her name, and yes, I am unspeakably pretentious. Thank you for noticing.) Not duetting, thankfully. I don't think I could handle that. Hail Giant X!<br />
<br />
Dermot arrives sans dancers, sans hat, sans cane, sans everything.<i> [Heck, he has to compete with Ben Cohen somehow - Rad]</i> He reminds us of everything we've already been told about in the last three minutes, and points out that we are now halfway through the competition. The end is in sight, everybody! Hooray! The judges arrive: Gary is in a black double-breasted suit with a black tie this time, Nicole is wearing what I am going to call "owlprint" which barely covers her breasts or her foof and looks a bit like something Katy Perry might wear, Sharon is in a flesh-coloured gown covered with silver and black sequins, and Louis is wearing what appears to be a velvet jacket, and a black bow tie that isn't quite on straight. (Oh, and a shirt and trousers, obviously. I don't want to give you nightmares.) Dermot reminds us that there is still time to save our favourites, should we choose to do so, and reminds us of the numbers. I'm disappointed that there isn't more chastising of us vis-a-vis voting for the people we like, not assuming they're safe, etc etc, considering hot-favourite Tamera was in the bottom two last week. It feels like even the show doesn't care that much any more.<br />
<br />
This week's group sing is 'Love Me Again' and everybody, without exception, sounds like absolute ass. If Satan's hotline had hold music, it would sound like this. Also, Rough Copy look like they've raided the remains of Dalston Kingsland's wardrobe for this performance. It ends, THANK GOD, and Dermot makes them hold the end pose for longer than strictly necessary just because he likes shitting them around.<br />
<br />
Time to revisit last night's performances, now with additional backstage footage: Abi got broadly good reviews for her rendition of 'That's Life', and thinks she did her best out there. Sam got raves for 'New York, New York', and Sharon frets about whether she'll have the votes to back up that performance. Wee Nick was competent but dull with his 'Dream A Little Dream Of Me', and weirdly animated backstage. Why is he not more like that while he's actually performing? Luke's 'Moondance' was a cacophonous mess and Gary called him on it, and even Luke admits backstage that this wasn't his best. Hannah grunted and screamed her way through 'It's A Man's Man's Man's World', got great feedback, and Louis thinks she's "got real soul". Rough Copy's 'Hit The Road Jack' was probably the highlight of the evening, and Nicole inadvertently sacrificed one of her own acts by saying she wanted them in the final three. Gary thinks they won't be hitting the road <i>tonight</i>. Oh Barlow, you wit. Rough Copy insist that they don't want to let Gary down now they're the last band standing. Tamera got the firework curtain for her performance of 'Cry Me A River' and Gary half-heartedly tut-tutted at all of us for not voting for her, and Tamera squeals about how fun it is to sing with a big band. Finally, The Other Sam gave a so-so 'Ain't That A Kick In The Head', got no feedback whatsoever from Gary, but didn't notice. Oh Sam. So blandly pretty. So very dim.<br />
<br />
Time for Star Guest Number One: 220 MILLION ALBUMS SOLD WORLDWIDE. 5 UK NUMBER ONE ALBUMS. 5 GRAMMY AWARDS. CÉLINE DION! She's on stage with a massive flaming heart behind her and showing off a very fashionable thigh gap. She's singing new single 'Loved Me Back To Life', which sounds like a number of other songs, none of which are very good. Sadface. I mean, call me a big old gay if you like (note: please don't call me a big old gay) but you can't beat a bit of Céline when she's actually got a decent song to sing, but this just doesn't do it for me at all. I'm just going to mute it and pretend she's torch-singing her way through 'Taking Chances', if it's all the same to you.<br />
<br />
Céline greets Dermot and the audience very enthusiastically. Dermot reminds us that the album and single are out Monday, and then asks Céline if she's off back to Vegas now. Céline then word-vomits that she hasn't recorded in English for six years, she's having a great time in Vegas, she can still sing even though she's a mum now, and she's trying to visit us as much as she can. I don't think Céline was adequately briefed on the procedure here: we only expect you to plug your new release, not to justify all of your life choices since we last saw you. Ensuite, Céline quitte la scène.<br />
<br />
Dermot reminds us of the voting numbers one last time, telling us that we have but five minutes in which to cast our votes, and reminds us that we still have Robbie Williams to endure.<br />
<br />
Not before the ad break, though. <i>The Great Gatsby</i>? <i>The Great Twatsby</i>, more like.<br />
<br />
When we return, Dermot informs us that the lines are kuh-losed. While the votes are being tallied, it's time for the always fresh and interesting chat with the judges. Dermot wants to know how nailed it last night: Louis thinks Sam The Screw, Rough Copy and Nicholas. Sharon thinks Sam The Screw and Rough Copy. Gary thinks Sam The Screw, Tamera and Rough Copy. Dermot still wants to know why Gary had nothing to say to The Other Sam, and Gary says that he tries to give the contestants something to learn from in his critiques, but he couldn't think of anything, because he felt like he'd said it all. Oh, knob off, Gary. I bet if they were paying you by the word you wouldn't have had that problem. Finally, Nicole - who is still drunk from last night and has forgotten the question - thinks that the show-stealers, aside from her own acts, were Sam The Screw and Rough Copy. I'm definitely sensing a message that the producers want us to take home here. <i>[The whole [Nic/Tamera]SamRoughCopy message is becoming very MattRebeccaOneDirection isn't it? - Rad]</i><br />
<br />
Time for Star Guest Number Two: 7 TIMES PLATINUM SWING ALBUM! WORLD RECORD BREAKING TOUR SALES! OVER 71 MILLION RECORD SALES WORLDWIDE! ROBBIE WILLIAMS! His set is a ruddy great ship (insert "full of seamen" joke here), staffed by a slightly-smaller-than-last-night-but-still-quite-big-by-most-people's-standards band, and Robbie at the helm, singing his new single 'Go Gentle', which is a bit rubbish and would really benefit from Olly MURS gurning his way onto the set and yelling <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2009/12/fall-from-stace.html">"WAZZ THAT ROBBEH?"</a> at the end. There's also a whistling bit in the middle eight, which I would not normally be opposed to, but Robbie cannot whistle in key if this performance is anything to go by.<br />
<br />
Dermot obtains permission to board, and they have a bit of ship-based banter. Robbie and Dermot both bring our attention to the fact that Guy Chambers is there, but the cameras do not single him out, so that's a bit pointless. Also, Dermot refers to Robbie being at "Sharon's Judge's House", which: Sharon <i>is </i>the judge, and it was her <i>actual house</i>, so just call it "Sharon's house", you weirdo. Robbie says that he's backing Sam The Screw, because he's been watching every week and she always knocks it out of the park and whatnot. Dermot tells Robbie he doesn't want Robbie standing behind him. Well, that's ruined my slashfic, I don't mind telling you.<br />
<br />
The chance to win Sharon's car once again, then the ads. JESUS CHRIST, KEVIN BACON'S NECK.<br />
<br />
Then we return to the studio and it's time to get down to actual business, so here comes everyone: Nicole and the girls, Tamera, Hannah and Abi; Gary and his group, Rough Copy; Sharon and her over, Sam The Screw; and Louis and his boys, Luke, Wee Nick and The Other Sam. The following six acts are safe, in no particular order: Rough Copy, Luke, Sam The Screw, Tamera, The Other Sam and Wee Nick, leaving Hannah and Abi in the bottom two. (Also, the pauses that Dermot leaves between names are now entirely ludicrous. I no longer have any sympathy for him at the end of the show when the judges take forever to make a damn decision and he has to get off the air in time for <i>Downton Abbey</i> because it's a situation entirely of his own making.) Weirdly, it's Hannah who seems to take this result harder than Abi, despite Abi's general fragility the rest of the time. Abi's the one actually stroking Hannah's hair and telling her it's going to be all right.<br />
<br />
Adverts. Dear Virgin Media, people knocking on my television and shouting "oi!" at me is not charming or polite, I don't care if they're David Tennant.<br />
<br />
When we return, Abi and Hannah make their grim death march back onto the stage and Dermot has to pretty much forcibly separate them. Abi's singing for survival first, singing a saccharine interpretation of Ed Sheeran's 'Lego House'. It is not pleasant. Her voice is shaky, nasal and frequently flat. Then it's Hannah's turn, and she's singing Miley Cyrus's 'Wrecking Ball', which is an A+ song choice, but her breath control is non-existent, her pitching is patchy and she's not even licking a sledgehammer. (Does anyone else immediately start singing 'Battlefield' by Jordin Sparks after the "I never meant to start a war" line, or is that just me and my boyfriend?)<br />
<br />
Over to the judges, and we're going to Nicole first. (Why do we always go to the judge with two acts in the bottom two first? It's far better/crueller to go to them at the end.) Anyway, Nicole predictably refuses to vote, and I hate how this has become standard practice. It should be grounds for an instant double elimination or something. Gary says that he's "confused", because neither of them did anything wrong last night. He tells Abi that tonight she touched him emotionally for the very first time, and he's a bit frustrated that it took her this long to do it. He doesn't know what Hannah needs to do, and advises her to change nothing. But judging on this performance, he votes to send Abi home. Sharon agrees with Gary - this was the passion she wanted to see from Abi all along, and it's a bit late for it now. She's sorry to say this, but she votes to send Abi home. That's two votes, and tonight that's enough. [/jeffprobst] Abi sobs a little bit, Hannah looks shocked and sad. I think these two were quite close. Dermot asks Louis what he would've done, and Louis says he would've kept Hannah and sent Abi home too. Hannah is dismissed and Dermot hugs a still sobbing Hannah, telling her that she's done so well and she doesn't have to go back to the supermarket. I wonder what jobs this show thinks most of its audience have? I bet they love it when <i>The X Factor </i>acts as though working in a supermarket is a job only suitable for brainless, talentless drones.<br />
<br />
Nicole runs up to give Abi a hug and we watch her best bits - her nervous-but-smiley room audition, her arena breakthrough, surviving the chair challenge, making it through to live shows, doing quite a lot of crying, sitting behind a piano, dancing with umbrellas, Nicole saying "balls" several times. Dermot asks Abi where she goes from here, and she says that she never dreamed she would make it this far, and she's had the time of her life and she's met the most amazing people. (SHAmazing people, Abi. SHAmazing. Has Nicole taught you nothing?) Dermot sends Abi off, Nicole remains behind as Dermot tries to usher her off in the same direction; Nicole gradually cottons on and does an "oh, am I supposed to follow her?" gesture. Schermazing.<br />
<br />
That's it for this week. Next week, the top seven take on "the great British songbook", whatever that is, and the special guests are Gary Barlow and Miley Cyrus. Helen will be here to guide you through it, but I can offer no guarantees as to whether she'll be twerking. Sorry about that.Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-72797070908803206422013-11-10T16:26:00.000+00:002013-11-10T17:09:55.455+00:00Giving us the horn (section)<b>Top 8: Big Band Week - 9 November 2013</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/discno.html">Last</a> <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/end-of-road.html">weekend</a>: the show took the logical next step in its quest to find a winning act with a contemporary, marketable approach to music by making them all sing disco songs. Hannah was accidentally given a costume from the Broadway production of <i>The Little Mermaid</i>, Abi went and sat back in the comfort zone of her piano, which was in turn placed on the Rebecca "Single Mother Goose" Ferguson Memorial Revolving Platform, Sam Callahan was suddenly history's greatest monster because it turned out that he's not really that great of a singer, while Tamera and Sam The Screw got the biggest plaudits, as per usual. Then <i>Strictly Come Dancing</i> had a <a href="http://strictlycomebitching.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/riley-gone-kid.html">shock bottom two</a>, and <i>The X Factor</i> went "oh HELL NAW, you're not stealing all of my column inches in Monday's tabloids" and produced a SHOCK BOTTOM TWO of its own, in the form of Tamera and Leyton Midland Road. (Not so much of a shock in Leyton Midland's case, obviously, as they'd been here before, but since Tamera was favourite to win, the show reacted like the entire royal family had been assassinated.) The judges opted to save Tamera, of course, and then Leyton Midland Road went off to the papers and started crywanking about how they would've won if Nicole hadn't <i>shamelessly</i> exploited their obvious heterosexuality by <a href="http://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/x-factor-kingsland-road-say-2679194">sitting in front of them every week and looking female</a>, thus making it impossible for them to concentrate. I like to call this "<a href="http://tvline.com/2011/09/22/survivor-south-pacific-recap-episode-2-season-23-brandon-hantz/">the Brandon Hantz defence</a>".<br />
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Tonight! Big Band Week returns for the first time since series six, after which it was temporarily removed from the roster to make room for absolute winners like <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2011/11/all-of-your-fanbase-are-belong-to-us.html">"Lady Gaga vs Queen week"</a> and <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/may-odds-be-never-in-your-favour.html">"shameless Olympics cash-in week"</a>. Who's still with us at this point? Well, we have Borelow and the last remaining group, Rough Copy (I find myself surprised on a weekly basis both by their popularity with the public and by how much I actually like them. Of course, now I've said that they'll probably be gone this week). Nicole and her as-yet-intact-although-probably-not-for-much-longer Girls, Louis and his impressively indestructible Boys, and Sharon and Sam The Screw, who's starting to look like she might actually win this and thereby destroy Sharon's glorious legacy of failure. <i>[But at least Gary Barlow will then forever be officially the WORST MENTOR EVER, even if Sharon will be utterly insufferable - Rad]</i> Gary whines that Big Band Week is hard, and "if your vocals aren't big enough, you'll be drowned out." With all due respect, that's utter bollocks. Big Band Week is the easiest week of all. Leon Jackson did Big Band Week every single week, regardless of the theme, and he won. All you have to do to succeed in Big Band Week is get a bit pissed, turn up, mumble all the words and look sideways into the camera in a manner that suggests you would like to have sex with everyone watching. Just ask Michael Bublé. Anyway, CUE GIANT X!<br />
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As we arrive in the studio, you can tell they've really blown the budget this week, because not only do we have an actual big band in the studio, but Peter Dickson is in the studio. I repeat, we have IN-VISION PETER DICKSON, doing Dermot's intro into an old-timey microphone! Dermot arrives, wearing what looks like a child's dress-up bowler hat and carrying a cane, and surrounded by dancing girls. He gives the cane a bit of a twirl and then basically shrugs at the camera as if to say "nope, that's all the movement you're getting." In honour of Big Band Week, he's in a (boxy) black three-piece suit with a black tie and a crisp white shirt, with the obligatory poppy adding the only splash of colour to his outfit. The dancing girls mercifully relieve him of the hat and cane, and make a speedy exit. Dermot reminds us that we have a big band in the studio and makes them perform a series of stings for no particular reason other than sheer showiness. Having established that we do indeed have an orchestra, Dermot summons "our very own wind section" (hee) - the judges. The judges have mostly followed the black-and-white dress code for the evening, with the exception of perpetual wallflower Nicole Scherzinger, who's doing her best to blend into the background in a bright lemon-coloured fishtail dress. Meanwhile, Gary's in a black suit with a white shirt and white tie, Sharon's in a black and white shirt-type dress (with very, very mad hair) and Louis is basically wearing a more efficiently-tailored version of what Dermot's got on. The band plays a jazzy, upbeat version of 'O Fortuna' as they enter, which sort of defeats the point of 'O Fortuna' a little bit, and Dermot introduces them as "the hardest working judges in showbusiness". Excuse me, but I think we all know who the hardest working judge in showbusiness really is:<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/HPWYzG46OjA" width="560"></iframe><br />
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You don't get results like that without putting in the hours, let me tell you.<br />
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Louis tells Dermot that he's very excited about Big Band Week because he remembers all these songs from the first time around, and it's kind of hard to tell if he's joking or not. Dermot takes this opportunity to point out that Louis is yet to have an act in the bottom two. They're a bit late on this, as he's never previously lasted two weeks without having an act in the sing-off, <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/shelley-shocked.html">as I pointed out at the time</a>. Everyone cheers for Louis's unexpected competence when actually given a non-joke category. Sharon says it's a treat for the contestants to perform with a live band, and Gary has a musowank about how there are 30 musicians on stage, so tonight is going to be electric. (I hope that means <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RvO3MP5xwQ">Lisa Scott-Lee</a> is going to be tonight's special guest performer.) Dermot asks Nicole if she's as excited (/drunk) as she was about Disco Week last week, and Nicole doesn't explicitly answer that question (which probably means she's drunk again), but informs us that the energy will be "schwinging".<br />
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The girls are up first, and Dermot throws to Nicole, who is still taking a sip from the glass on her desk and flipping over a piece of paper, and just generally not quite ready to be thrown to, since she ends up introducing "my little Abu Dalik". See, drunk as a lord. For our sober readers, assuming we have any, Nicole was introducing Abi there. In her VT, Nicole giggles with Abi about her adorable reaction in last week's results show "when Derek called your name". (To be fair to Nicole, she probably just swallowed the second syllable of Dermot's name, but it did really sound like she was calling him Derek.) Abi admits that she always expects to be in the bottom two, and then non-sequiturs that all of her experience playing in pubs has made her into the performer she is today. I'm genuinely unsure as to whether that's an endorsement or a denunciation of pub gigs, to be honest. Nicole and Abi watch a video of a 14-year-old Abi playing the piano on the Product Placement Tablet, and Abi says that she's been working so hard ever since then, gigging every weekend. She goes on to say that her dad is actually in a big band (I hope he's in The Polyphonic Spree), so she's excited about this theme because she's been around this sort of music all her life. She goes off to have fish and chips with her dad (and yes, she does wear a flowery garland headband thing to the chip shop, just in case you were wondering), and tells her dad that it's strange not having him around. Her dad is pleased with this lukewarm compliment. Abi says that she wants to do well this week, both for her dad and herself.<br />
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Just to really ram that message home, she begins in the studio by saying "this one's for my dad", having apparently forgotten that this show has no use whatsoever for parents who are alive and well. She's singing 'That's Life', although most of the attention is focused on ZOMG SHE HASN'T GOT HER GLASSES ON. There's not really much energy to the performance, and she kind of sounds like a pre-adolescent boy because she's all nasally up in her nasal. That said, this is at least a style of music that she's clearly comfortable with, so it's a more confident performance from her than usual, and it's a little bit better purely because of that. Apart from one of the big final notes, which is flatter than the Florida Everglades.<br />
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Louis begins with "Abi, you've opened the show, you've lost your glasses, you've lost your piano and you've got a really big band" like he's trying to win a spot the difference competition. He liked the song choice, but "it didn't go too far for me". Isn't that technically a good thing? He thinks she can do better, because she was swamped by the band. Nicole objects, and Louis responds: "I'm only being honest. That's life." Ser-wish! Sharon coos at Abi and tells her it was a great song choice and that she was more centred, but "I expect more sassiness from you." You do? Dear god, WHY? It's Abi Alton, for chrissakes. I expect more sassiness from Wee Nick than I do from her, and he looks terrified every week. However, Sharon declares Abi to be "nearly there", wherever "there" is. The bottom two, quite possibly. <i>[If that enormous bus they're driving at her doesn't go on a detour, anyway - Rad] </i>Gary says that he worries about Abi the most each week as the theme changes, but this week he DIDN'T NEED TO! He thinks the fragility of her voice worked in this context, and that she was clearly comfortable tonight being "a musician amongst musicians". Oh, he's just going to be intolerable tonight, isn't he? Nicole screams "MRS O!" at Sharon, because she is still drunk, and declares that Abi was in fact "sass-tastic" tonight (surely the word should be "schwass-tastic", Nicole?), apparently purely on the basis that she isn't wearing her glasses. Sharon says that she misses the glasses, and Louis chimes in that he misses the piano, to which Nicole responds "hush your chops! Stop being a <a href="http://www.sbitube.com/videos/8300/Debbie-Downer-at-Disney-World">Debbie Downer</a>!" She thinks this is the first time that Abi really sang out, and she did her family proud.<br />
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Dermot arrives and asks Abi how it feels to be sass-tastic. Abi says that she thinks that was her best performance, and she really enjoyed it. Also, it's her dad's favourite song. Dermot goes in for the cheek-kiss as he sends her off, and seems to end up devouring her ear in the process. He shills the app, as well as upcoming performances from Sam The Screw and Wee Nick.<br />
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Ad break. Specifically, an ad break for the TV premier of this year's John Lewis Christmas ad. It's apparently now such an event that it gets its own individual ad break with a special intro and exit bumper. I mean, I love John Lewis as much as the next person with a Partnership credit card, but ye gods. Also, this year's John Lewis ad isn't even that great. The rabbit seems super-needy. If I were the bear, I'd be super-pissed if someone woke me up from hibernation with the passive-aggressive gift of an alarm clock just because they didn't have any other friends.<br />
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We return, and the big band does a flourish to welcome us back. They'll be doing that every single time, and it's going to get quite annoying before long. Sharon and her only act are next, and Sharon declares that "you only need one person to win, and I've got Sam Bailey". Not that Sharon's making this all about her or anything, you understand. Sam enjoyed Disco Week, but the highlight of the week for her was getting a tweet from Michael Bolton saying that he'd be happy to <strike>be relevant in 2013</strike> sing with her. Sam's a huge Michael Bolton fan, so I guess this is a bit like me getting a tweet from Pasha Kovalev saying he'd love to dance the rumba with me. Naked. Anyway, back to the narrative: on Tuesday, an unsuspected Sam is sitting nonchalantly at the kitchen table, holding up her Samsung smartphone to ensure the cameras can see it, while Michael Bolton is on his way to see her, telling the cameras that he's been "connecting with Sam on Twitter". Look out, Sam's husband! This is how it always starts! He knocks on the door of the contestant house, and Sam opens the door and screams. (Although it would've been funnier if Wee Nick had opened the door and just assumed this was Abi's grandfather or something.) Sam informs us that Michael Bolton smelt really nice. Hee. Fangirl Sam is great. This week, Sam's singing 'New York, New York', so she and Michael watch some footage of him performing this song (on the Product Placement Tablet, natch), and then Sam sings it for Michael, trying not to have a FANGIRL FLAP the whole time. Bless.<br />
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Wardrobe have decided to attire Sam in a double-breasted blazer and black leggings, which - combined with the inherent theatricality of this song - prompted a great many Twitter users to observe that this feels a lot like her audition to play Mama Morton. The song's no problem for Sam, obviously, but it is the kind of performance that brings out all the worst of her excesses - shouting, hooting, lacking any sort of nuance, that sort of thing. <i>[I bet Meaty Minge watches Sam every week with a voodoo doll in hand, because Sam is clearly going to nick all the musical theatre touring roles from her once she's done the obligatory mothers' day album - Rad]</i><br />
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Gary tells Sam that her vocal range seems to get bigger each week, as that was the highest he's heard her sing yet. He says that he's running out of good things to say about her - much as he is doing with the other Sam, as we'll see later on. Nicole grunts a lot and tells Sam that she came out with a BIG BOOM (see what she did there?). She says that it's a song that's been sung a million times, but that's exactly how you're supposed to do it. Louis compliments her on her consistency and versatility, and says that he thinks she's the one to beat. Sharon declares the performance "stunning", and says that she's "on your coattails". I love that even Sharon is basically admitting that if she wins, it's purely by having the right act in her category and not because she's particularly done any great mentoring.<br />
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Dermot asks Sam how it feels to be up here, and Sam says that she loves singing with a big band, and that she'd "do it again tomorrow". Will the big band actually be here for tomorrow's show? Not that I'm suggesting Sam's going to be in the sing-off or anything, but it would be quite funny if this turned out to be one of those "be careful what you wish for" moments. They talk a bit more about Michael Bolton, and Sam giggles that Michael's still in touch on a daily basis. Oh, I'll bet he is.<br />
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Over to Louis and "baby Bublé" next: it's Wee Nick. He talks about how important his family is to him, and his family sob about how much they miss him. Wee Nick tells Louis that he's never sung with a big band before, and Louis says that it'll be a real challenge for someone who's Only Sixteen. And then he says "baby Bublé" a few more times for emphasis. He adds that if he was Wee Nick's manager, this is the sort of music he'd put on his album. Wee Nick says that performing with a big band is scary, so he woodenly videocalls his mum on the Product Placement Tablet for reassurance. Seriously, send this lot on an advertising masterclass, because if they're going to have to do this sort of thing every week, they need to do it better. Wee Nick says that knowing his family is behind him has given him the confidence he needed to give the performance of his life. Hang on, so he didn't know his family was behind him <i>before </i>the Product Placement Videocall? I find that highly unlikely.<br />
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Wee Nick's in a wee suit with his hair all slicked down, singing 'Dream A Little Dream Of Me', which feels slightly off-brand for Big Band Week for me, but maybe that's just because I'm so used to The Mamas And The Papas' version. As expected, it's perfectly competent but deeply unexciting. Even Wee Nick himself looks a bit bored.<br />
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Sharon slathers all over his hair and calls him a "little schoolboy". I'd be careful about how sexually aroused you sound when saying that, Sharon, if you don't want to end up on some sort of register. She thinks it was a fantastic performance, even though he's Only Sixteen. (Sixteen.) Gary tells him it was another great performance, and the key with him is consistency. He points out the decades that they've spanned so far in the competition - the 80s, the 70s last week. Yeah, that's great. Any chance of something from this decade, though? Gary marvels that Nicholas doesn't know any of these songs. Dude, he probably does do them, because a) he has parents who probably own music of some sort, and b) he has probably watched this show before, and these songs get done on this show all the goddamn time. Nicole calls him "Nicky Blue Eyes", and says that she loves the hair, "hashtag glistening", and says that if he keeps singing with that effortlessness, then he'll have some girls "dreaming a little dream of you tonight". Question: do we think girls watching this show actually get excited about Wee Nick? I would've thought they'd probably be more interested in Luke (the quiet, sensitive one) or Sam (the FITTTTT one), but maybe I'm wrong. Louis says that it's hard to remember that Wee Nick is Only Sixteen (not in the last five minutes, it hasn't been) and he hopes all of Scotland is behind him. HOUSE! <i>[Autopilot Louis is totally doing this for a bet now. And for the lulz - Rad]</i><br />
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Dermot condescends that Wee Nick "can barely remember the Nineties", much less anything else, and Wee Nick chuckles that there hasn't actually been an appropriate theme for his age yet, at which point a klaxon sounds and he is promptly dragged off to a room in the back for reprogramming, for daring to suggest that this show is not HIP, GROOVY AND DOWN WITH THE KIDS. (Even Dermot goes rogue, responding "keep wishing, buddy, it ain't gonna happen." Watch it, Dermot, that sort of insubordination will get you Thorntoned if you're not careful.) Dermot feels Wee Nick's hair, and Wee Nick's a bit "...please don't touch me" and it's all quite awkward.<br />
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Adverts. The Christmas ads are definitely here in earnest now.<br />
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Another sting welcomes us back to the show, and Dermot's hovering in the audience with Tamera's family, and also Nicole's nan, who Dermot says is "the original schamazeballs". I still find it hard to believe that Nicole was actually born in the standard fashion, rather than emerging fully-formed from some sort of sexy cartoon in a <i>Weird Science</i>-sort of way. Dermot "humanahumana"s at Nicole's nan, which is all kinds of weird, so let's just move on to the next act, Luke Friend. Luke really enjoyed last week, and Louis declares him a serious contender in the competition. Luke says he never expected to get to week five, but he misses his family, so Louis "spontaneously" suggests that he goes to see his family, which is definitely not the same thing that Abi and Wee Nick have already done tonight. So Luke hops on a train to Devon, and goes back to the place where he used to busk. I guess being a contestant on this show doesn't really pay that well. After that, Luke goes to college to see his nerdy band camp friends, while Luke says that he used to sit in college wanting to go on <i>The X Factor</i>, and it's strange that that thought process led him here. Yes, truly it is bizarre how wanting to go on this show can lead to applying for this show which can lead to being on this show. It's just so unpredictable. Luke thinks that Big Band Week will be a massive challenge for him, because he's never performed with a live band before. Aside from all the people who live in his hair, obviously.<br />
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Luke sings 'Moondance' in a listless and flat fashion, wearing a black jacket and a purple silk scarf. He is also wearing formal trousers with no socks, because he is some sort of anarchist. He's surrounded by flapper girls in sea-green dresses doing their utmost to detract attention from his singing, but there's only so much they can do, because he's flat and off-tempo pretty much throughout.<br />
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Sharon asks him to do his end flourish again, and declares the performance "110 for effort". Out of what, though? She goes to the "young people have no idea about this music" well yet again, and see my comments on Wee Nick for my thoughts on why that is utter horseshit. Gary, however, was disappointed - he thinks Luke's been getting better each week, but this doesn't suit him at all. He says that the important thing in big band is to sing behind the beat - "listen to Michael Bublé, he's the laziest singer out there" (SHADE - also, I thought we'd established that Matt "Bit Of A Bum" Cardle was <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJGNKMSLm08">the laziest singer out there</a>?) - but Luke was ahead of the beat throughout and it was uncomfortable to listen to. Nicole agrees with "Gaz" - she likes that Luke doesn't lose himself in the theme each week, but she would've got the band to pick up the tempo to fit his energy more. She did like his "scataroos" at the end, though. Is that a board game? Louis says that they don't realise he's come a long way from being a busker in Devon. Quite what that has to do with anything is anyone's guess. Oh, Louis.<br />
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Dermot arrives and accuses Gary and Nicole of being "hypercritical", which is apparently the same as "not loving everything". Gary replies "that critique, I'm afraid, was spot-on" (how modest!) and Nicole advises Luke to watch his performance back <i>[On a HANDY AND FUNCTIONAL BUT YET ATTRACTIVE Samsung Tablet. Or YouView box - Rad]</i>. Exit Luke.<br />
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Back to Nicole and the girls, specifically "my little Hannah Banana". Hannah says that she pushed herself so hard last week that it took a toll on her voice, so she was put on voice rest from Sunday to Thursday. This seems to be happening to Hannah with alarming regularity, to the point where I suspect that she just might not be singing properly at all and might benefit from some lessons from a professional. If only we had one of those lying around! Thankfully, Voice Rest Hannah has a Product Placement Smartphone with which to communicate, and tells Nicole that her voice feels "knackered", and Nicole is grateful that she's not been in the UK enough to know what that means. Hannah is singing 'It's A Man's Man's Man's Man's Man's Man's Man's Man's Man's Man's Man's Man's World' by James Brown, and since she's on voice rest, rehearses mostly by just watching him on the Product Placement Tablet. The non-voice-resting Hannah (presumably filmed at some point from Thursday onwards) explains that this song is very important to her because it was the favourite song of her dad, who is dead. She shows Wee Nick pictures of her dad (WHO IS DEAD) on the Product Placement Tablet. Nicole advises Hannah to just enjoy the experience and remember that the big band is there to support her. <i>[I love the implication that the product placement tablet can now hekp people commune with the dead - Rad]</i><br />
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Hannah is also wearing a sort of mini-Mama Morton outfit, complete with a fedora, and despite a reasonably-promising beginning, I don't really care for this performance at all. I like Hannah a lot, but she's fallen into the trap of just bellowing and ad libbing without paying much attention to the melody. Also, you can tell that she's not really had much time to rehearse at full-voice, because she sounds either squeaky or guttural a lot of the time. She's working the performance and vamping like crazy, but I wouldn't be surprised to see her back in the bottom two this week.<br />
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Louis tells her that she's probably got one of the strongest voices in the competition (so strong that she's blown it out after four whole weeks!), and while he's not sure that James Brown is really "big band" (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7drlrSFeMs">oh, she really came that way? Awwight</a>), but she can really sing. Sharon tells Hannah that we had "more of that hot chocolate voice of yours, soothing, delicious voice, we can never get enough of you." And the milk always clings to the saucepan for days afterwards, but I'm not sure where we can fit that into the analogy. Sharon admonishes Hannah for not smiling when she's talking to her, and Hannah giggles that "you had your serious face on", so Sharon responds "nonono, smile! We're on the telly, Hannah!" She's really starting to remind me of Dolores Umbridge. Gary loved her visual and audible confidence tonight, and we all know what happens to confident black women on this show, don't we children? Nicole agrees that Hannah had "steel in your eyes" and made it her own.<br />
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Dermot tells Hannah that it's nice to see her smiling, and Hannah starts gushing about her suit and her weave and generally getting so Croydon about everything that Dermot can't understand her any more. Still, I can understand her enthusiasm - this is a good look on her, or at least it's a much better look than some of those abysmally unflattering dresses they've been squashing her into for the last couple of weeks.<br />
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Adverts. COCA COLA CHRISTMAS TRUCK SIGHTING!<br />
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Another return, another orchestral flourish. Over to Gazza and the last remaining group: Rough Copy. They were the sole highlight of Disco Week with their Earth, Wind & Fire cover, and Gary tells them that they need to keep up their momentum. He adds that they're his best group by far, before "realising" that they're his only group, with all the comic timing of a backbench MP. Gary says that he needs them to keep having fun, because that's what people love about them, so he takes them go-karting. "It was important for me not to win," explains Gary after the fact, setting up an attitude that bodes well for the result of this series, adding that he didn't want to "deflate them". Except in the usual way by sucking all the air out of the room with his very presence. Gary tells them to bring that sense of competition to the stage with them on Saturday. Rough Copy meet the big band, and have the obligatory moment where they pick up a trumpet and go BLOODY HELL WHAT'S THAT?? because they are URBAN and therefore CANNOT KNOW THINGS. Ah, my least favourite trope in all of television.<br />
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They're singing 'Hit The Road Jack' and have easily got more showmanship than all of the other acts on this show combined. I also like how they're working around the wardrobe theme of the morning by pairing velvet blazers with their standard skirts and baggy-crotched leather trousers. It's not really the best vocal of the night (and the bar tonight is fairly low as it is), but it's by far the most entertaining and enjoyable performance, for my money. Despite the Barlow effect, these guys are the only act I can really imagine existing successfully in the real world. <i>[I do like them, but I can't help thinking they would choose more interesting songs in the real world. Although, see also: everyone in this show except maybe the two Sams - Rad]</i><br />
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Nicole thinks they deserve to be in the final three of this series. Nicole still has three acts of her own left. Just pointing that out. She loves how they make each theme their own, and thinks that Kaz really showed up on vocals tonight. Louis declares them "slick and snazzy", and admires their chemistry. Sharon asks who did the arrangement for that song (Gary, apparently), and says they did a fantastic job. The crowd start chanting "RC! RC! RC! RC!", which sounds unfortunately like "arsey", but there you go. Gary tells them that they push the boundaries each week and always deliver. <i>[Their name is terrible really - unless it's a joke on how this show always has poor imitations of its previous contestants on it. What can you shout about this band anyway? 'We like it rough'? 'Copy cats'? And imagine Rough Copy condoms - ouch. Although I believe the JLS ones were colour-coded and a bright yellow/red/green/blue member is not what you want - Rad]</i><br />
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Dermot reminds the boys that they had "two judges, including one that wasn't your own" saying they deserved to be in the final. (Except it was Nicole and Louis, so actually neither of the judges who said that were Rough Copy's own mentor. Pay attention, Dermot.) Rough Copy follow Hannah's lead by getting a bit Croydon and confusing Dermot.<br />
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This week's competition involves winning Sharon's own car. Just imagine what might have happened in the back of that.<br />
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After the ads, we return in time for Dermot to read out from The Twitters. Apparently Gary Lineker thinks Sam The Screw deserves to win. Dermot mithers that Gary should be GETTING READY FOR <i>MATCH OF THE DAY</i>, not watching and tweeting about this show. Way to protect those ever-dwindling viewing figures there, Derm. Our penultimate performance comes courtesy of Tamera, who says that last weekend was really tough for her. She was grateful to get through, but got emotional once she got off stage. Tamera reports that she just wanted a hug from one person: her mum. Thank goodness it's "show us your family" week! Tamera says that she was a "tricky" teenager to bring up, but her relationship with her mum has become so much stronger since she's been on the show. In fact, we should probably just demolish the entire Department of Social Services and subcontract their duties out to <i>The X Factor </i>instead. Nicole says that they're going to work extra hard this week to get everything right, and then adds "and they're going to vote...right?", looking into the camera with a fierce fire in her eyes. I am unsure how I feel about this breaking of the fourth wall. I mean, I'm not especially concerned about Nicole doing it, but what if Sharon starts getting ideas? She might start crawling out of my screen like <i>The Ring </i>or something. Anyway, Tamera's mum turns up for soundcheck, and Tamera is very pleased about this. Tamera says that this spurred her on, because it means a lot to her that her mum is so proud of her, and she doesn't want to be in the bottom two again.<br />
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Tamera is in a tight black sequinned corset/trousers combo, singing Julie London's 'Cry Me A River'. I'm glad this song turned up, because Big Band Week never feels complete without it. Tamera's version is all right, but she struggles for some of the low notes, and some of her attempts at riffing towards the end are a bit painful.<br />
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Louis asks why she was in the bottom two last week. I'm not sure she's particularly well-positioned to answer that one, LouLou. He says that she has star quality, because she sings AND she's "got the visual". Sharon says that Tamera really did sing for her life when she was in the bottom two last week, and while she sang well tonight, she really wanted some more of that passion in tonight's performance. Gary says that seeing her in the bottom two last week made him realise that everyone's been taking her for granted, because she's so good, and he wants to remind everyone that she has "stratospheric" potential, so he's going to acknowledge her amazingness tonight. Nicole instructs everyone to applaud Gary's critique. Heh. She reminds us that Tamera, much like Wee Nick, is Only Sixteen.<br />
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Dermot asks Tamera if she feels like she's fighting for her life every week, and Tamera admits that last week was "definitely a kick up the bum". Hee.<br />
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Final ad break, and another chance to see lots of wealthy and attractive people advising us to buy more material goods to celebrate Jesus's birthday or summat.<br />
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Upon our return, we have Sleeveless Sam to close out the show. He and Louis get straight down to the business of watching last week's show on the PPT and laughing at Gary sitting there with his jaw hanging open like the Dartford tunnel. Sam says that he was gutted when he came off stage, adding that it's hard to receive the same criticism week after week and that he's "starting to feel a little bit like Gary's punchbag". I mean, sure, Gary's being a dick to Sam, but I feel like they're over-egging the pudding a bit here. Anyway, Louis tells Sam and his collection of brightly-coloured tops with block white lettered slogans on them not to worry, because the public like him. Apparently. Sam vows to work hard on everything this week because he doesn't want "another week of dodgy comments". He's a big fan of swing music, and shows us a picture of himself, ostensibly aged 13 but looking exactly the same as he does now, when he apparently went around dressed all suave all the time because he thought he was Frank Sinatra. Although they appear to be pictures from an actual concert, so I'm not sure quite how reliable they are of this being something that he did all the time.<br />
<br />
Sam gets the honour of telling us that during the week, they all got some really exciting news from Simon Cowell. Simon appears, via satellite link-up from LA, to say "hi guys, I hate it out here. It's rubbish, <a href="http://tvbythenumbers.zap2it.com/2013/11/08/thursday-final-ratings-elementary-scandal-the-vampire-diaries-the-voice-the-millers-sean-saves-the-world-parenthood-the-m/214283/">nobody watches my show</a> and <a href="http://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/x-factor-usa-vote-error-2685897">we can't even get the voting numbers right</a>. Please can I come back? You still love me over there, right?" Actually, what he really wants to say is that everyone in the competition at this stage gets to go on the tour. So after all the "SIMON RETURNS TO X FACTOR THIS WEEKEND!!" hype, that's all it was. Anyway, Sam says that this has inspired him to work even harder, because...reasons. Of some sort.<br />
<br />
So Sam's in the pimp slot, singing 'Ain't That A Kick In The Head' with a loose bow-tie and a load of girls waving feathers. He does a little giggle and a "hello ladies!" at the beginning, which adds to the general cheap-cabaret feeling of the evening. Again, the vocals aren't great - they're not terrible, but they're solidly middle of the (rat) pack, even on an easy night like this, and the longer the song goes on, the more the strain starts to show. Still, he remembered to roll his shirtsleeves up and show us his forearms, so perhaps he's not going home just yet.<br />
<br />
Sharon tells Sam that he gets hard knocks every week, but he's "still here". What a compliment! She also gives him an "A for effort". Gary: "Sam, you look like you had a great time up there, well done." And that's it. What a little bitch. I mean, I'm no great fan of Sam's, but dude, you're being paid a handsome sum to sit there and give feedback, so say something useful. Nicole congratulates Sam and Louis on "the creative" and how much work must have gone into it. She adds that she loves how Sam embraced the character of the show and looks really dapper, and also the suspenders are working for him. She does have one note for him: "don't hold onto the notes for dear life". Heh. Louis tells Sam that he deserves to be here because he works so hard and the girls love him, and calls him "like a little Fred Astaire".<br />
<br />
Dermot arrives and gets straight in there to ask Gary why he didn't bother to give a critique tonight, and Gary replies "no, listen, I have to respect you for getting up there, look at the amazing singers we've had tonight - Sam Bailey, Hannah, Tamera - respect for you for getting up there, completely." Well, that was cold. And dickish. The good news is that Sam doesn't appear to be terribly bright, so the stone-cold shade that got thrown his way appears to have gone right over his head. He says that he had the time of his life. Dermot joins the stealth insult pile-on by saying "this week should be good for you, because it's all about performance." Et tu, Dermot? Sam just hopes the viewers enjoyed it as much as he did.<br />
<br />
So there we are. Dermot thanks the big band for their sterling work and declares the voting lines officially open. Time for the obligatory recap: Abi without glasses or piano; when you're good to Sam Bailey, Sam Bailey's good to you; Wee Nick sending us all to sleep; Luke being even more of a mess than his hair; Hannah making sounds for the first time all week; Rough Copy actually behaving like an act you might voluntarily pay to see; Tamera making an effort to reassert herself; and finally, The Other Sam getting the pimp slot because the producers wanted to see if it would make Gary's head explode.<br />
<br />
Dermot invites the contestants all back out onto the stage - not for the Flash Vote, of course, but just to create a sense of occasion. He tells/warns us that Robbie Williams and Celine Dion will be here for the results show tomorrow, and that's it. Who'll be getting big-banned on Sunday? Join me later to find out.Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-80962361824234591302013-11-05T22:17:00.000+00:002013-11-10T10:56:00.299+00:00End of the Road<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Top 9 Results: 3 November 2013</b><br />
<br />
So I’ve done my best to avoid it. I fled the country, I took to the stage, but
eventually I had to face up to my responsibilities and recap another episode of
the turgid yawnfest that is this year’s X Factor. Le sigh.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Last night! DISCO was
killed, joining 80s, club classics and, er, songs that are a song in the list
of victims this show has claimed! Most
of the acts looked even more bored with the show than the audience! Nicole was playing secret X Factor drinking
games throughout (probably)! And the
flash vote was swiftly axed when the show finally realised what the rest of us
knew all along about how utterly terrible an idea it was! IT’S! TIME! TO! BRING! BACK! THE! SORT-OF! TENSION!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our recap tells us that Sam C and Kingsland SUCKED. Spoiler: only one of those memos has reached
the audience. I’d say try harder, but I
think even the most casual of viewers can now spot who this show is trying to
throw at buses given its lack of subtlety.
Dermot suitwatch: blue, with a brown tie (no) and an undone button that
really should be done up. He reminds us
that BixMIX will be joining us later, along with Taylor SWIFT. GIRL POWAH.
Oh and Gary Lightbody from Snow Patrol as well. You know the ones, they did that Leona Lewis song,
not the one that Oasis did, or the one about her magical ability to open and close
her veins at will, but that other one. I
think it was about a queue of people at a bus stop ganging up on a smoker and
forcing them to light a fag so the bus would come or something along those
lines.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The judges enter. Louis
looks dressed for a funeral in case he loses an act (SPOILER: LOUIS IS KING OF 2013),
Sharon has a typical Sharon black lace thing on, Funsponge is wearing an awful
skinny tie, Nicole appears to be wearing… rope?
Durrbot reminds us to vote and that there is no longer any flash
vote. So presumably FUCKING DEADLOCK is
now back as a thing? [<i>Hush your mouth, DEADLOCK is amazing. - Steve</i>]<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The acts are doing ‘Night to Remember’ and egads, WHAT are
Rough Copy wearing? They’ve got horrible
bacofoil baggy shorts on with bacofoil leggings/tights and they look
terrible. Not that anyone looks particularly
good – I mean, they try to make wee Nic look hip-hop and land somewhere at Tom
from Hollyoaks after he’s pinched some big boys’ shoes. I wonder if, seeing as Tess Daly’s outfits on <a href="http://strictlycomebitching.blogspot.co.uk/">Strictly </a>have shown a marked improvement this series, her stylist is now simply
content to sabotage this show instead?
There’s then a bit where the girls and boys sing off, and I know that
two boy bands skews matters quite a lot, but four women vs eleven men doesn’t
say much for the year of the vagina, does it?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We get a recap of last night, but I actually forced myself
to watch that (unlike last week where I watched about 10 seconds of each
performance and fast forwarded the rest), so no recap of that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dermot tells us that BixMIX have ‘taken America by storm’ whatever
that means in this day and age. Their VT
talks about them selling 3 million albums worldwide. It doesn’t show St Jesy crying though, so it’s
not really emphasising their USP. Kudos
to them for singing their new single live, except… their voices sound like a
hot fried mess without any backing vocals or studio techniques – the chorus restores
the WandErection memorial backing track and sounds a bit better but it’s not
really a vocal showcase. Their new song,
which I presume is a new single, but I could be wrong, sounds very album-tracky
and as if it’s been played at a slower speed than it should have been. St Jesy isn’t even wearing crazy trousers, so
really, what is the point of that?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dermot congratulates them on doing well in the US and makes
everyone cheer for them. Leigh-Anne says
of their performance ‘it was one of the most fun I’ve ever had’ and I’m
wondering if she’s had to adopt Simon Cowell’s odd ways with grammar since she
won this show. Dermot then asks Perrie if
her engagement to Zayn is the first official X Factor engagement. She thinks so. I would think it was probably that <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2005/09/addendum-re-midget.html">midget with a ring</a> they never showed in the end way back in series two, but I
guess maybe the reason it wasn’t shown was that he got a rejection.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ads! Oh lovely Michel
Roux Jr. Why must you advertise frozen
potatoes and lie that you have used them for over ten years? WHYYYY?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dermot asks the judges who was bestest and worstestest of
all last night. Louis says Sam B was the
best and Kingsland are in trouble.
Sharon says Sam B or Hannah were the best and Sam C was the worst. Gary says Sam B was the best except his acts,
but Sam C was the worst. Nicole says Sam
B and Rough Copy were the best and she doesn’t want to say Sam C was the worst,
but he was.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our next special guests are Gary Lightbody and Taylor Swift,
aka the world’s least likely duet. I
genuinely want to know who was smoking what when this was mooted because not
only is it a dirge, Taylor Swift’s mic seems to be off, and then when it cuts
in, she still sounds as if she’s singing with her mouth closed from down an
echoey hole somewhere, and something sounds out of tune – their voices really
don’t blend well. The staging is odd
too, with them spending the song standing as far apart from each other as
possible and avoiding looking at each other at any point. Maybe it’s ‘acting’ because then there’s a
dramatic bit where they turn to face each other and the lyrics change to them
reconciling. Eventually Taylor coughs up
whatever frog was in her throat and has a clearer verse, but the ‘chorus’ such
as it is remains a total dirge. But then
they get the glitter shower and yellow light, so hooray, they win the X Factor
and we can all go home. First weekend in
November, not bad ITV, you HAVE been learning from us after all. Well, on behalf of myself, Steve and Helen I’d
like to thank you all for reading… oh, wait.
We have to suffer a Durrbot interview with them where they both tower
over him like giants and we learn they wrote the song together. Why did nobody stop them? Gary Lightbody says he’s never been on the
show before, but I suppose he had to repay them for making him all that money
somehow.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ads! I’m scared to go
back to my Animal Crossing town as it’s been so long that all my neighbours
will have left apart from the ones I hate who will then shout at me for having
a life/job/discovering The Simpsons: Tapped Out. [<i>Still not as terrifying as when you accidentally switch off without saving and Resetti rips you to shreds the next time you play. I still have nightmares about that. - Steve</i>]<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We welcome the acts back on stage for the results. Safe are: Sam C, who falls to his knees to
the screams of the audience; Hannah who screams ‘YES YES YES’ in a manner that
surely led to a thousand people running to their keyboards berating her for
being a woman and happy and stuff. It’s
a bit undignified, but it’s not quite <a href="http://theapprentbitch.blogspot.com/">Jordan Poulton</a> levels. Sam C and wee Nic
are obviously safe, as are Rough Copy.
Luke is safe, which leaves Abi, Tamera and Kingsland to wait… after the
ad break. Seriously, show? That’s all
you gave us?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ads! I can’t believe that Ant and Dec show is still a thing,
never mind a thing that is on tour.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The final act safe is Abi, who pulls the best shocked face
seen on this show in a while and gets both boos and cheers from the
audience. Nicole comforts Tamera and
talks to her as Kingsland get ready and Durrbot shouts at her to get off the
stage.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Funsponge lies that it’s a shock that the tragic hipster
boyband are in the sing-off, which, given they were bottom of the vote in week
two… notsomuch. They’re doing James
Morrison’s ‘I Won’t Let You Go’, which is a bit obscure for this show, I would
have thought. The Waterloo Road deputy one
has straightened his curls and takes the lead, followed by that Nicole said was
the best singer. They have an obligatory
boy band key change, but they’re clearly doomed and they know it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nicole says Tamera is her shining star. She’s singing ‘I Have Nothing’, which
suggests she’s running out of tricks given she’s already given us Whitney. [<i>She's already given us this song too - it's the one she kept forgetting at the <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/no-killer-no-fil-ler.html">arena auditions</a>. - Steve</i>] Obviously she’s a million times better than
Kingsland but I feel that as much as they want her to be a star, and as much
potential as she has, they haven’t really worked out what they want to do with
her yet, and if they don’t figure it out soon she’s going to be the new Ella
Henderson RIP. She shakes a bit, trying
not to cry.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dermot clarifies that FUCKING DEADLOCK will return in the
event of a tie. Nicole says Kingsland
put a lot of heart and soul into what they do but she obviously has to send
them home. Funsponge says this is ‘another
shocker’ and blames the public, saying neither act deserved to be in the bottom
two, although the recap we saw at the start clearly told us Sam C and Kingsland
were the worst of the worst, so I don’t know what to believe now. Obviously he sends Tamera off. Sharon sends home Kingsland without any
clarification and Louis does the same because Tamera sang her heart out.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dermot forces them to wait through their best bits for a ‘chat’. Best bits: terrible outfits, terrible hair,
terrible, terrible outfits, man hugs, terrible outfits, one of their family
members going off message and still wearing a Kingsland T-shirt and not a
Kingsland Road one, almost no singing, but lots of terrible outfits. The blonde one cries a bit. The fugly jacket one says his highlight was
seeing Little Mix perform. Oh bless,
they really have had a rough journey, haven’t they? Funsponge reminds everyone this is a singing
competition, which: NO and also which: if that were the criteria, then surely
Kingsland DO deserve to go.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Next week! As if you
thought this week was bad, the show ups the stakes! Celine Dion!
Robbie Williams! And our nemesis
BIG BAND WEEK! Join us then!<o:p></o:p></div>
Radhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17031764260176803659noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-43657852100087854002013-11-03T13:00:00.001+00:002013-11-05T22:30:16.616+00:00D.I.S.C.NO<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Disco week – 2<sup>nd</sup>
November 2013 </b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
First of all, let me apologise for not being Steve. He’s
asked me to step in on short notice and because I really, really, REALLY want
to be taken off of probation I said yes. I’m a total suck up. I’m the worst
kind of office crawler. I really hope that this is the end and the next time I
get fired I can take someone’s ASS TO COURT and get the compensation I deserve.
What? Nothing. [<i>You've officially got tenure now, you can relax. - Steve</i>]</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
ANYWAY. <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/not-so-abi-talk.html">Last</a> <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/miss-ed-opportunities.html">week</a> I walked you through the horror that was
Movie Week and we saw the feminist bus thrown without any doubt towards Missed
Dynamics.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We also got a little insight
into the judges' feelings about the machine when Louis’ mic wasn’t entirely
switched off properly during the results, and a joy it was too. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This week though, as Sam told us last week by accident, is
Disco week. Expect balliding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We begin
with a recap of last week which seems to still want us to see how awful Missed
Dynamics and their traitorous womb were. Ah well. We’re also reminded that that
Hannah is not to be in the bottom two again. We’re also schooling the kids with
a bit of Chic and Nile Rogers. But first – Funsponge doesn’t want another act
in the bottom two, Nicole’s acts are going to light up the stage and kill
disco. Well, we know Abi will.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Louis
thinks Disco week is going to be a tough week for his boys but he’s not afraid
of a challenge and Sharon is sure that Sambailey is going to be a disco diva.
Funsponge thinks that Louis’ acts are going to struggle. Louis thinks that he
was overly harsh but LOL he’s the one that lost an act and Nicole needs cooling
down from the disco inferno. GIANT X.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Durrbot arrives onstage to Chic actually playing him on. He
arrives with lots of ladies in flares but doesn’t seem to do any actual
dancing. SUITWATCH - same as last week but with a beige tie. He’s obviously
decided that’s his look. [<i>I'm really not happy about his obsession with these scooping waistcoats he keeps wearing, either. They look silly. - Steve</i>] He introduces the judges as Disco Divas. Louis is all
in black. Sharon looks awesome in electric blue, Nicole has gone full 70s hair
with a blue sequined number that her boobs nearly escape from and Funsponge is
in a plain black suit/white shirt combo. He’s trying to look like the
Anti-Louis. We’re promised Earth, Wind and Fire with an emphasis on the wind.
LOL DURRBOT YOU CARD. First of all, we’ve got to listen to some Chic with NILE
ROGERS because they’ve paid a fuckton of cash to get them on the show tonight
and they’re getting their money’s worth. They play an honest to goodness medley
(who doesn’t love a medley?) of Le Freak (C’est Chic), He’s the Greatest Dancer
and Good Times. It goes on far, far too long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> <i>[About as long as the Strictly overlap, perchance? - Rad] </i></span>Durrbot pronounces it a great way to start the show. He pretends to be
buddies with ‘Nile’ and calls him a legend and then lists all the people he’s
worked with, culminating in Daft Punk before finally asking him a direct
question about what he’s up to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
replies ‘all of the above’ and says he’s been on tour. Durrbot invites him back
next week and he replies that he can’t because he’s off to Japan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently, tomorrow 8 acts will be having
good times but for one it will be D.I.S.C.OVER. He attempts to get Nile to be
impressed by his terrible joke but Nile treats it with the contempt it
deserves. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ADVERTS.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When we return, Durrbot welcomes us back and tells us to
forget Studio 54 and Decadence in Chelmsford because it’s Disco Night at the X
Factor. Yes. I’m sure it’s EXACTLY like both those places in that it’s a hotbed
of Hollywood glamour and someone is currently being sick and crying in the
toilets. One of those, anyway. We’re with the boys first, and Durrbot proclaims
Louis the inspiration behind the hit “He’s the Greatest Dancer”. Louis is
introducing Luke of the Dump! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Luke of the Dump is happy with last week’s performance and
thinks it’s his best so far. His comments from Funsponge made him think he
could do it, but Louis is worried that the judges now see him as a dark horse.
Oh Louis, I’m more forgiving of your nonsense than most but the WHOLE POINT of
a dark horse is that nobody expects them to do win it. If people know you’re a
dark horse then you’re not a dark horse. Luke is going to fight for it more now
he knows that he’s in with a chance. Louis then admits that Luke, as a self
proclaimed acoustic singer songwriter, may not have the best time with Disco.
No shit Sherlock. Apparently he should be versatile to handle it. Luke has been
researching disco and thinks that he can fit in with its theme of big hair and
flares. SamBailey even teaches him a bit of disco dancing BECAUSE SHE’S THE
MOTHER OF THE HOUSE AND THEY CAN’T DO WITHOUT HER DO YOU SEE? Luke has been
getting his disco groove on all week because it says so in the script. He wants
to go out and show he’s adaptable and a contender and promises to put his own
interpretation on disco. OH GOOD. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Luke is doing “Play That Funky Music”. I can’t think of
anything to say about it because it reminded me so much of Arsetat that I
wanted to poke out my eyes. It was just that kind of tuneless showboating that
he did so well. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He even ends it lying on
the floor because he’s so RAWK. Oh all the gods, make it stop. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sharon comes over all unnecessary as she didn’t know Luke
had it inside him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She reiterates that
he’s the dark horse and he’s coming up the outside. He’s shown how adaptable he
is and he threw himself into it (full body) and it shows. Funsponge saw the
dancers, the eyeliner and the gold boots and assumed he would hate it because
it was so much fun in one place but within about five seconds he thought it was
incredible. He was wondering how a guy with a rock voice could do disco but
Luke has shown him the way. Nicole didn’t know that Disco Week would be the
week that Luke came alive. She’s clearly been drinking. She’s more insane than
usual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s figured out that it’s his
hair because it’s always been funky. Louis thinks it’s a good opener, he’s the
dark horse again and he reminds him of a little Johnny Depp. Ah yes, that
famous music artist Johnny Depp. To be fair, Luke does seem like a product of
Tim Burton’s twisted imagination, which makes me glad that this week isn’t
Halloween week. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Durrbot reiterates that Johnny Depp loves disco. Durrbot
asks Luke how he thinks the performance went. Luke replies that he was a bit
out of breath at the end. He really is turning into the unholy spawn of
Funsponge and Howard Donald. Durrbot says he seems to be enjoying it more each
week. Luke said he enjoyed getting is moves out. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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So apparently tonight there’s no flash vote. Does anyone
know why? [<i>I'd say "because it was shit and pointless", but it's not like that's ever stopped them. - Steve</i>] BUY THE APP. We’re in to the groups and we’re reminded that Funsponge
is just back from ENTERTAINING OUR BOYS IN AFGHANISTAN, DON’T UPSET HIM AGAIN. <i>[Is it too cruel to make a joke along the lines of all those weapons, and yet... ? - Rad]</i> It’s Hideous Hipster Boyband Abomination! Funsponge talks to them about turning
up the choreography this week. One of them, I would look up their names but I
really, really don’t care to, suddenly can’t dance. Funsponge declares him the
‘me’ of the group. What, he’s going to passive aggressively bully the one
that’s getting more attention than him, see that he’s kicked out then watch his
meteoric solo success whilst his stalls and fails then they’re going to pretend
to like each other for a reunion tour 15 years later and release a song that
Steven hates called The Flood? [<i>NOOOOOOOOOO etc. - Steve</i>] WOW, THAT’S QUITE A COMPARISON. They all laugh
like they know what he’s talking about until they watch the video for Sure by
Take That on a SAMSUNG GALAXY TAB then all of a sudden they know what he means
and dissolve into proper, full on hysterics. They should see the acting at the
beginning. They would like his voice but not the moves. We see them practicing
the dancing, which is apparently next level.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The one that can’t dance is worried because he normally sings but
everyone has a lead vocal this week so OMG DANGER CHOREOGRAPHY. Nobody wants to
let anyone down.</div>
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They’re doing Blame It on the Boogie which ANY FULE NO has
the easiest dance routine in the world. It’s the usual hipster abomination,
complete with 80s blouses and tight trousers with rolled up cuffs. Again, I
don’t have the words to adequately describe the awfulness. I think it’s
probably the place for people who have seen war or other similar atrocities to
describe it for us. The DANGER!CHOREOGRAPY isn’t all that dangerous after all.
They bound about the stage like puppies who haven’t had their Ritalin. I just
want it to be over. Please make it be over. I’ve been good this year. I don’t
deserve this. I give to charity and everything. <i>[Not only was that no Jackson Five, that wasn't even Big Fun. I blame the shitty un-matching clothes - Rad]</i></div>
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When it’s finally over two years later, Nicole loves the
energy, she’s slurring now. She repeats that she loves the energy, says
exqueeze me and thinks they should throw away the mic stands. She wanted them
to let go as they’re a bit too <s>contrived</s> planned. Louis can see where
Nicole is coming from but he loves the energy. He thinks their vocals need work
but he hopes they’re in the competition for a couple more weeks. THROWING SHADE
LIKE A NINJA THERE WALSH, I LIKE IT. Sharon says that she relies on their performance
every week but they need to forget being in the bottom two. Funsponge is proud
of them because they are serious and they don’t just do a performance, they do a
show.</div>
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Durrbot wonders if they think that they are trying too hard.
They say they take it seriously but only because they want to win. Nicole then
asks them to do a lunge in the manner of your mum after too many sherries. They
oblige.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Durrbot wonders if she’s happy.
She says that she learned it from him. Oh yeah. </div>
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ADVERTS!</div>
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When we return, Durrbot is in the audience with Souli Roots
and we are reminded of how this used to be fun. She’s feeling fabulous and
wants to tell “Brother” Gary hello and also Auntie Sharon. GAH. [<i>I miss Souli Roots. - Steve</i>]<i> [It's like 'here's what you could have won', isn't it? STUPID SHOW. Also, I miss NotLouis - Rad]</i> Girls now and its
Glitter ball Fancier Nicole with Tamera. Tamera enjoyed herself last week but
we’re reminded it was too much fun for Funsponge. We’re reminded that Tamera is
ONLY SIXTEEN so OF COURSE she doesn’t know herself yet. She confesses to Nicole
that she loves doing all the arm movements and stuff. Nicole confesses that she
wanted to be Whitney when she was younger but SNAPPED OUT OF IT FOR GOD'S SAKE<i> [After the results show - LOL - Rad] </i>and Tamera should stop wanting to be other artists. Tamera has seen a huge
change in herself since starting because she’s finally doing something she
loves and she doesn’t want it to end. You’re sixteen for god’s sake. Last year
your favourite thing was working out percentages for you and that fit year
eleven boy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyway, all Tamera knows
about disco is Afros, so Nicole took her to a roller disco which taught her everything
she needed to know. She’s going to sing her heart out and BE HERSELF. </div>
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Tamera sings Wishing on a Star. From the first note you know
she’s got it. This competition is going to be such a cakewalk for her it’s
actually embarrassing. She looks like an actual disco goddess and she sings not
only perfectly, but with style and individuality. I’m looking forward to seeing
how they’re going to inject some fake jeopardy into this one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s see, shall we? [<i>I give it less than a week before the "that smug bitch Tamera thinks she's going to win" reports start appearing. - Steve</i>] <i>[Oops - Rad]</i></div>
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Louis kicks off the feedback. She’s a star, she’s got star
quality, she’s a little diva and she’s only 16. If there’s any justice she’ll
go far. Sharon finally gets her name right and says it was a lovely
performance, controlled and smooth and her voice is like velvet. Funsponge
thinks she’s grown up and her performance was elegant and not just a girl doing
a throwaway disco cover. It had Nicole written all over it. Nicole thinks she
threw it down last week but this week she got to show off her tone with a
gentler song and this shows that she can do anything. </div>
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Durrbot goes back to the 70s and compares Tamera’s hair to a
microphone. Bit racist. Tamera was a bit edgy about singing a stripped down
song but she put herself into it and she hopes she’s done enough. Durrbot asks
her about Nicole’s rollerskating skills. She says alright. He then asks what it
was like to hang out with her, presumably because he never gets to. She makes a
non committal noise. Tamera! </div>
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Back to Louis, the disco champion of County Mayo and his
boys, it’s Sam Callahan! He enjoyed his performance last week but was gutted at
Funsponge's negative feedback. Louis doesn’t want him to dwell on the comments
and he needs to pick himself up. [<i>Two amazing things about this segment: that he watches the judging back on TALK TALK'S EXCELLENT YOUVIEW SERVICE (presumably because the PRODUCT PLACEMENT TABLET was broken), and also that House Mum Sam Bailey was there next to him tousling his hair, because of course she was. - Steve</i>] Sam thinks the way to do this is to go back
and see his football mates. He gets a hug off his manager Lee and he tells the
football lads that he wants a bit of support. He has kick around and it boosts his
confidence. I think this segment is to show that Sam isn’t just a pretty boy,
he does boy stuff too but all it shows me is that he can play a supposed game
of football without messing his hair up so this really proves nothing. [<i>...sorry, the only bit I remember anything about is where his entire football team threw themselves on top of each other in celebration. Can't think why. - Steve</i>]<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s singing Relight My Fire, which he
clunkily tells us is a disco hit that Take That covered. That’s the way to show
off your awesome vocals Sam! Sing a song that Funsponge sang. OH VERY DEAR.</div>
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Sam is singing the song in a boxing ring. IT’s so terrible
tat Funsponge’s lower jaw actually drops to his chest. Not even the Olly Murs
Legs For The Mams (tm) can save him. His vocals suck, the stage set is frankly
embarrassing, he gets the lyrics wrong but at least you can see his wonderful
guns. Oh sweet baby jeebus those guns. [<i>And I believe he's topless on the screen behind. You can't say they weren't pulling out all the stops this week. - Steve</i>]</div>
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The feedback begins with Sharon who seems to have been at
Nicole’s cooking sherry. Sharon says he puts everything into his performance
and he clearly loves it. Funsponge agrees with Mrs O in that he’s a lovely lad
but he hated his performance. His vocals were exposed and it’s clear that
everyone is better than him. Nicole isn’t so sure about that but his vocals
were better than last week but concentrates on his charisma and likeability.
The song made his voice sound smaller and he should concentrate more on performing.
Louis thinks Funsponge was harsh because he came out fighting. OH MY GOD THAT
STAGING WAS AN ACTUAL METAPHOR. Louis wishes everyone worked as hard as him.
Louis hopes people vote for him and reminds Funsponge that he sang his song. </div>
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Durrbot wants to know what Sam thinks. Sam reiterates that
it’s not The Voice and he’s been clear that he’s not the best singer but he’ll
continue to work hard. Durrbot wants to hear from Nicole and Funsponge what Sam
can do to please them. Nicole wants him to get rid of the boxers, Funsponge
wants him to find pop songs that suit him. Louis shouts that he’s still here.</div>
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MOAR ADVERTS.</div>
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The first act when we return to Disco night is the final
group, Rough Copy. Funsponge thinks they’ve been well behaved so far but he
wants to see some of the chaos from auditions in the live show. They want the
sweet and street Rough Copy back. The sweet and street Rough Copy apparently is
about throwing two strawberries across the room, but Funsponge draws the line
at bananas. Rough Copy have been hands on this week with the choreography and
the styling. Funsponge Skypes from SINGING FOR OUR BOYS IN AFGHANISTAN ON HIS
SAMSUNG GALAXY TAB and says it was his proudest moment. He reminds them that if
they work hard, they could be doing the same. </div>
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They’re singing September wearing variations on sparkly
tuxes with magenta highlights. Their sweet and street new attitude seems to
consist of them running around the stage like they’re lost and wearing those
trousers that make you look like your nappy needs changing. They seem to have
focused less on the vocals this week. It shows.</div>
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Nicole gets screamed over. She declares them to be disco and
Le Freak. She says the audience were being electric and she loves that they did
disco their own way. Louis loves that they can put on a show and there has to
be a place in the charts for them. Sharon thinks they're effortless, natural and
joyous. She then complains that their dressing room is next to hers and THEY
PRACTICED FOR TWO HOURS COS THEY WANTED IT SO MUCH. [<i>She also adds that she "couldn't sleep", which I like to think says a lot about Sharon. - Steve</i>] Funsponge thinks they got
it completely right, he loves them and it was his performance of the night.</div>
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They tell Durrbot that they got their groove on and try to
teach him to do the same. They can’t. Rough Copy say that they messed up a bit
but the spirit took them and they worked it out. They’re also happy that Nile
Rogers sort of heard them from his dressing room. </div>
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Happy Christmas JLS wants you to come to his farewell show!
You should go.</div>
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When we return from yet another ad break, it’s time for Abi
to murder some disco. She and Nicole watch back her performance from last week.
She claims it was the nerves that let her down but the feedback gutted her.
They watch her audition. Abi cries because this soul sucking machine has taken
her confidence away since then. Nicole wants to get it back and she has to be
herself to do that. She’s going to sing her own arrangement of I Will Survive.
It’s not her style but she’s going to grab it by the balls (?) and make it her
own. We’re promised full Abi which I’m looking forward to about as much as
forthcoming dental surgery. </div>
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So what’s it like? Of course, it’s a very decent disco song
ballided to within an inch of its life. At certain points my eyebrows start to
raise because it sounds like it’s going somewhere but it doesn’t. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m so bored that I start imagining the John
Lewis advert it’s backing in my head. It’s about a woman going through a break
up. Maybe she’s jilted at the altar and she’s got a John Lewis wedding list.
She’s repackaging the stuff because she just can’t look at it but she decides
she’s happy without her husband because she has a Nespresso machine.</div>
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Oh, it’s over. Louis remarks that disco was out of her
comfort zone but she picked a great song and got back behind the piano. She’s
‘like’ a singer songwriter and that’s her niche. Sharon calls her Abi-dabi and
says she’s like a little musical box with the girl in it. She thinks it’s a
brave song choice, good arrangement and she bows down to her because she knows
who she is as an artist and she’s brave again. Funsponge has been hard on her
because she knows that that is what she’s capable of. Well done. Nicole is full
drunk now, she grabbed it by the disco balls and showed them. She was Abidellic
and authentic and she forgot the glitter and cameras and got back to her. </div>
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Abi isn’t crying this week. Durrbot knows that it was all
important to her. She’s happy with her feedback and without last week’s
feedback she wouldn’t have got back to herself. </div>
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On to Louis and the last boy, it’s Nicholas. He loved
singing his song on Saturday but was worried that Funsponge didn’t like it.
Louis explains that it’s all gameplaying because Funsponge wants to win.
They’re going to school him about fun this week. It’s also about showing that
Nicholas is FUN. This means that we see him having LARKS in the X Factor house.
He’s singing Rock With You and he’s worried about pulling off a Michael Jackson
song. He’s also got some DANGER!CHOREOGRAPHY to take him out his comfort zone.
He’s showing he’s not a one trick pony. Let’s hope it pays off. </div>
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It doesn’t. Bless him, he’s only wee but he’s far too
musical theatre to pull this off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s
standing on a plinth which makes us all painfully aware he’s the same height as
everyone else on it. He also tries to do some sensual glances into camera which
honestly make me a bit uncomfortable if I’m honest. He’s about as sexual as one
of the Muppet Babies. </div>
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Sharon loves him so much she’s going to put him in her pocket.
It was fantastic and brave. She wanted it to be a bit more naughty because that
side is there. Funsponge was glad to see a bit of youth which is a bold
statement under the current climate. He’s impressed by his voice and that he
can sing anything. Nicole calls him Nicky Blue Eyes Honey Child, which I’m sure
is one of Honey Boo Boo’s sisters. She wants to rock with him all night but not like that. She
loves his voice but wants him to work on his performance and feeling more.
Louis thinks he’s a natural performer and he has it. He hopes he goes all the
way.</div>
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Durrbot imagines that Nicholas may be slightly afraid of the
theme. He’s grateful to be here and he hopes everyone votes for him and he
hopes he’s shown he’s not a one trick pony. Keep reading the script Nicholas.</div>
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Adverts. Again. </div>
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When we return Caroline Flack is supervised so she’s allowed
near Sam Callahan. She wants to know if he agrees with the comments. He agrees
that it wasn’t the best vocal performance. He’s never going to be the other Sam
but he’s going out and performing and HAVING FUN so what the bloody flip more
do they want from him? Sam’s mum and dad don’t take to kindly to Funsponge
saying everyone else is a better singer because he’s NOT ON THE BLOODY VOICE
and he should stop judging everyone on vocals alone innit. Sam looks defeated.
Funsponge is warned to keep out of Essex. <i>[Surely his Essex fatwa after Rylan should still be in place anyway? - Rad]</i></div>
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Back to the girls. Apparently the final one isn’t just
Nicole’s Hannah Banana this week, she’s also a disco diva. We’ll see. Hannah
says that being in the bottom two was the worst feeling ever and there was no
way she was going home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s made her
realise how much she wants it though, because presumably she didn’t want it all
that much before. YAWN.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nicole is
shocked too that she was in the bottom two. We’re reminded that Hannah used to
be homeless but now she’s living in the X Factor house which is full of love.
DON’T REMOVE HER FROM THE LOVE, PUBLIC. Nicole brings James Arthur to<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>meet her who is apparently her biggest fan.
He tells her not to give up. She’s going to come out fighting. </div>
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She does.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s
actually scary. She’s singing <i>[/bellowing as if she's exorcising a demon - Rad] </i>Somebody Else’s Guy dressed up as the cast of
Dreamgirls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s achieved what she
hasn’t been able to so far though, she’s managed to inject a bit of personality
into the performance. </div>
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Louis congratulates her on coming back fighting and he’s
glad they saved her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sharon is offended
that Louis suggested that Hannah is wearing one of her dresses but tells her
it’s nice to see her smiling because she always looks like she’s smelled something
bad. Snork. She likes the happy and vibrant Hannah and she can ask for nothing
more. Funsponge knows it’s the way to come back and the song was a great
platform for her. Nicole shouts that nobody puts Hannah in a corner. She’s glad
Hannah put the funk on it and she’s shown everyone how to disco.</div>
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Durrbot says he’s happy to see Hannah smiling. She agrees
but said that there was no way she could grump through disco week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Durrbot compliments her dress and she says
she needs the loo because she’s so DOWN TO EARTH.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have to give it up for Hannah. </div>
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One more to go! Apparently Sambailey works in Garfield
prison. I heard they have good lasagne.</div>
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Oh, after the adverts.</div>
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Durrbot<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>welcomes us
back and introduces us to Sharon who tells us to get ready for the sensational
Sambailey. She thinks that last week couldn’t have gone any better for her as
Celine is her idol. Sharon takes her to a spa because she needs to pace and
look after herself. Like a racehorse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She’s looking forward to Disco Week as she’s the only contestant alive
at the time. She’s getting fit though, no more sitting at the computer eating
biscuits for Sam. She’s been going to the gym, playing football and eating
healthily. She’s lost a stone and a half because she wants to be a popstar and
not a singing mum. She’s doing everything she can not to go home.</div>
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She does look amazing, though the jumpsuit is a difficult
look for anyone to pull off. She’s singing Enough Is Enough. It’s serviceable
but it’s clear that she’s more used to singing slower stuff. It’s not terrible.
That’s the best thing I can say. </div>
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Funsponge was sure she was going to struggle but he was
wrong. She’s also an eloquent (sic) performer when she moves around. He also
comments on her weight loss. Nicole believed her performance to the degree that
she’s afraid for her husband. She’s soulful and curvy. Louis calls her a yummy
mummy and says it’s the vocal performance of the night. Sharon is so proud and
loves her.</div>
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Durrbot says its great feedback and wonders how she felt
doing a more up-tempo number. She loved it and she wants to do it again. She
channelled all her emotions and knows what she’s singing about. Durrbot points
out her husband is terrified and he shouts out that he loves her. </div>
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VOTE IS OPEN! That’s it! Join Rad tomorrow for the results
show which promises Bixmix, Taylor Swift and Gary Lightbody. Nobody's going to need Horlicks tomorrow night.</div>
</div>
Helenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14309430718065420406noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-30140366326362092872013-10-29T21:16:00.003+00:002013-11-03T18:01:53.968+00:00Miss-ed opportunities <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b>Movie Week Results –
27<sup>th</sup> October 2013</b><br />
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Hello and welcome back to my first results show recap of the
series. <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/not-so-abi-talk.html">LAST NIGHT</a> the bus was driven very firmly in the direction of Missed
Dynamics and it hit them with frightening accuracy as they lost the flash vote
and have a very definite place in the bottom two. We’re also promised some
GAGA. Exciting! </div>
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Dermot reminds us of this as everyone stands behind him
wearing red. We’re treated to a brief recap of last night, alongside fake movie
poster reviews.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re reminded that Abi,
Sam Callaghan and Missed Dynamics were all kinds of awful, which let’s face it,
they were. Before we find out who’s for the off, we’ve got to endure the wanted
and celebrate the majesty that is Gaga. Louis knows someone has to go home, Sharon
refuses to lose SamBailey because she’s too good and Nicole can’t do a lunge
because she’s not a Pussycat Doll anymore. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>THEIR LOSS IS OUR GAIN. </div>
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But what’s this? Oh shit, it’s Dermot. Remember when you
used to like seeing Dermot? ‘Member that? Remember when he wore nice outfits
including lycra and didn’t take himself too seriously on BBLB? Remember when he
used to do T4 and you thought “Ooh, I liked him, but how old is Margherita
Taylor exactly?”. I remember. It’s what this show does to people. Kate Thornton
doesn’t even know who Kate Thornton is any more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Suitwatch – Same as yesterdays only grey. He
tries to convince us that The Wanted are an exciting thing and gets us ready
for GAGA. He introduces the judges. Louis is going blue velvet jacket and
skinny tie and very nice it is too. Sharon is going for full length black
brocade, Nicole for the Angelina one leg look and Funsponge in plain black. Oh he’s
such a rebel. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dermot reminds us that they
are two singers and two managers but all four are fruitcakes. Don’t let
Funsponge hear you call him that. He hates cake. He still remembers the fat
years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can we get on with this please?
Oh yeah, it’s a voting thing so here are the numbers. </div>
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Ten will become nine tonight but there’s a song first. Oh
good. It’s Bruno Mars without the fun distraction of looking at how ridiculous
Bruno Mars is as a human. Rough Copy do the Murs legs for the mams as they sing
about sex taking them to paradise in the manner of three virgins taking about
how they’ve totally done it so shut up. Dalston Junction make me want to punch
them even more than usual and Missed Dynamics look shit scared. As would anyone
else when faced with a double decker bus. Sambailey comes out in the end and
does the big note because she’s the only one that can. Remember when they mimed
this? Good times. </div>
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BUY THE APP, but before that, the backstage reaction and
more of revisiting last night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They love
putting Rough Copy in Skorts. They’re totally trying to bring back to the 90s.
Rough Copy bring it apparently. Sam Callahan is very pretty but negative
comments don’t get him down. Nicole loves his attitude though. Hannah did Adull
and loved Funsponge’s feedback. Nicholas was good yet dull and really should
act younger. Backstage he thinks the performance was amazing. Abi next. Oh Abi,
so very, very bad. Nicole felt the judges were too harsh and she feels she’s
been working hard. SamBailey was MACHESTICAL indeed Steven, you were right. She
thinks it was amazing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stoke Newington
enjoyed performing to a screaming audience. Louis thought it was Karaoke West
End. Luke of the Dump has stronger and more consistent vocals according to Nicole
and he’s going to keep the standard up. Tamera was, well, in<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>another league.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just give it to her already.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Save us all this pain. She’s happy and proud
to get the song right. Funsponge’s Stars in their Eyes comment is erased. </div>
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So! You thought they were safely in America touring their 9
MILLION SINGLES SOLD WORLDWIDE and their TWO PLATINUM ALBUMS. They have been
NUMBER ONE IN 13 COUNTRIES but sadly they are here tonight. It’s the other
direction, THE WANTED. The one that looks five with the freakishly deep voice
and the monobrow starts off pretending to play the piano. The rest tip up. One looks
like he could cut a bitch with his cheekbones and the rest look precisely like
Crimewatch photofits. I feel like I should just hand over my handbag to save
them the trouble of mugging me. It’s boring. They don’t make boybands like they
used to. </div>
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When the ordeal is over Durrbot attempts to interview them
and the summation of his in depth questioning allows us to learn that The Wanted
have been on an aeroplane, they wrote a song and they are going to be going on
another aeroplane. THIS IS FROST NIXON LEVEL STUFF HERE. </div>
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Five minute warning for the vote! After the break it’s GAGA.
BUY THE DOWNLOADS. </div>
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When we get back the lines are closed but while they count
them, it’s GAGA TIME.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, Gaga’s
history on this show has been Epic. Remember the headless stuff last year?
CLASSIC. This time she’s sold 24 MILLION ALBUMS and 90 MILLION SINGLES and won
5X GRAMMY AWARDS. She’s LADY FUPPING GAGA and she’s about to school us all. </div>
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Lady Gaga is playing an acoustic guitar wearing a wig that
looks like it’s been procured from a particularly cheap hooker. At first glance
she is nude but it becomes clear she’s wearing nude underwear and some sea
shells like the women around her. Now, this show has conditioned me to shout obscenities
at the screen whenever an acoustic guitar appears but I hold out a bit because it’s
Gaga. The dancers disperse and she shouts VENUS and HELLO LONDON and we’re in
to the performance proper. She does an insane dance in front of Botticelli’s
Venus painting. Well, an approximation of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She dances awkwardly and manages to lose both of her seashell boobs so she’s
just dancing in her bra and pants, like she’s someone’s actual nightmare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But hold up! There’s a piano! She pulls off
her wig and she’s got a black bob underneath. She does some more interpretive
dancing but this causes her pants to become so wedged in her, ahem, that there’s
going to be no more penis rumours ever ever. She urges us to do whatever we
want with her body. She seems to be miming at this point, some of it at least.
I’m utterly transfixed as she jumps on top of the piano and starts humping it.
BRAVO LADY GAGA. BRAVO.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She then
pretends to like Dermot and even asks if she can stay. HECK YEAH YOU CAN. [<i>I will always enjoy Gaga turning up, but her new material's a bit bobbins, isn't it? - Steve</i>] Dermot reminds us that she sang two songs. Cutting edge as ever. She says that
she’s been working on the album for two years and she wanted to show the
breadth of the songs. She produced the songs by herself and it’s coming out
tonight. She hopes that we like it and we understand the statement about fame.
She only wants to make us smile. She’s rambling. She’s insane. I love her.
Durrbot asks if she’s cured her beef with Sharon and apparently they made it up
at G.A.Y. I hope it was in the bogs. She runs off to hug her. She’s INSANE AND
I LOVE IT. </div>
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Marvin from JLS wants us to ring up and win a holiday.
LISTEN TO MARVIN.</div>
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When we return from the advertising break, we are told that
it’s time to find out who’s in the bottom two with Missed Dynamics.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s everyone back on stage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Through tomorrow are, in no particular order,
Rough Copy, Abi THEFUCK?! Alton, Luke of the Dump, (after which Louis says to
someone “we know where this is going, don’t we?” and Nicholas angrily replies
that he should stop saying that. Ooops, someone’s mic was on when it wasn’t
supposed to be) Tamera, Nicholas, (who says to Sam Callaghan something which
sounds like ‘stay positive’ and Louis gives a sarcastic OOOOOOOOOOOOK. I think
the plan for tonight is to have Sam in the bottom two with Missed Dynamics so
they can go. I think Louis is wise to this but why nobody has turned his mic
off yet I will never ever know. Heads are gonna roll) [<i>I was cooking throughout this whole bit and ITV's webstreaming was playing up so I missed all of that drama and had no idea. Thanks for filling me in! - Steve</i>] Sambailey, Brick Lane and
finally Sam Callahan. The actual? Oh this wasn’t the plan at all. Sam screams
in Louis’ face that he doesn’t believe it. Hannah is in the sing off. Oh Hannah.
Hold it together. That segment was nearly six minutes long so it’s time for
another ad break. </div>
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When we return, Dermot introduces the acts fighting to stay.
Hannah is going first. Durrbot feels that he has to explain that Missed
Dynamics are going second.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nicole
introduces Hannah by saying she was shocked that she’s in the bottom two when
they threw the bus at Abi and Sam Callaghan but there it is and hopefully
Hannah will show everyone why she’s meant to be there. As always I’ll be the
judge of that. To show us she’s not dull she’s doing a Sandy Emily number. She’s
wobbling before she’s even finished the first chorus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All this performance does is show us she’s
not much of a performer. She’s technically proficient but she’s not interesting
to watch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Until she starts crying then
it becomes just painful. The only people around to comfort her are her
competition, who refuse to take their places because they want to hug her. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Someone in the audience starts shouting and
doesn’t stop all the way through Funsponge’s introduction. I can’t make it out
but I think it’s something about giving <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hannah a hug.</div>
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So Miss Dynamix sing like they know they’re for it. They
give the Swedish House Mafia track all they’ve got but as my friend <a href="http://twitter.com/yeloop">Robert</a>
says, they should worry, child. Over to the judges. </div>
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Dermot reminds us that in the event of a deadlock, Missed
Dynamix will go. Nicole thinks they gave it their all and it was their best
performance but she’s saving her act. Funsponge thinks his group did themselves
proud. He’s shocked at Hannah being in the bottom because he loved her performance
and urges everyone to remember to vote for her but he’s sending her home.
Sharon wants to tell everyone that the sing off was awesome but reminds
everyone that everyone should sing like that all the time, not only when they’re
on. Someone in the audience interrupts but before Sharon has the chance to cuss
them out properly. She’s sending Missed Dynamics home which renders Louis’
voice useless. They’re going. It’s ok though, because he would’ve voted for
them anyway. </div>
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So that’s it. Remember ladies, your womb is fine until it
functions. When it does and you feel a bit poorly you will have the bus thrown
at you, just like in the real world! Durrbot spouts some shit about the
pressure on Frankenbands but we all know what’s going on here. SHAME ON YOU
ALL. The band feel that tonight has been their highlight and they’ve shown they
can sing. Funsponge urges them to stick together because they have something
special. Great.</div>
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So that’s it. Join Steve next week to see how not so secret Club Classics Week pans out. </div>
</div>
Helenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14309430718065420406noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-21046772820059384202013-10-27T13:00:00.000+00:002013-10-28T13:50:41.029+00:00(Not so) Abi Talk<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b>Movie Week, Live Shows week 3 – 26<sup>th</sup> October 2013</b><br />
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Hello! And welcome to the third week of live shows, also known as Helen thought she’d got away with not having to recap any of the behemoth live shows but not quite. <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/kingsland-road-to-nowhere.html">Last</a> <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/shelley-shocked.html">Week</a> Steve talked you through Kingsmill Road’s near death and Shelley’s ultimate exit. Never fear though, there’s going to be plenty more drama this week I’m sure. For starters, the X begins in black and white because it’s movie week. Nicole is even roaring! It’s also exciting because we’re getting the movie premiere outing out of the way early.</div>
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Tonight! We’re starring Funsponge and the groups. They have to bring it big time. Nicole wants her three little girls to shine! Louis wants the judges to be terrified of rhea boys and Sharon and Sam are going to shine and aren’t going down without a fight. It’s time to face the music! GIANT X.</div>
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Our leading man Durrbot arrives on stage pretending to be James bond. His suit is so ill fitting that I actually think I see a bit of tummy as he does his arm roll thing. It’s blue. [<i>Wow, he should probably see a doctor about that. - Steve</i>] He comes on and makes some protracted movie puns but eventually gets down to casting the judges. He wanted people who were ruthless, loud, stubborn and opinionated and he’s pretty pleased with the choice. It’s the judges! Oh dear LORD Funsponge has got a light sabre. (“Hold this Gaz, the kids’ll love it” “eee, I’m not sure, looks like a weapon” “nah, it’s just a toy” “oh ok, if you’re sure.” “JUST FUCKING TAKE IT”). Louis Walsh is resplendent in black, Sharon has come as C3P0 and/or an Oscar. Nicole is missing the front of her dress and Funsponge is in a tux with a skinny tie. They move over to Durrbot and strike movie poses while they announce the flash vote. Durrbot’s chunky rugby thighs nearly pop his suit and Nicole’s left boob almost pops out. LIVE TV EVERYONE. The flash vote is explained, but not the point of it.</div>
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But to the actual performances. First up its leading man Funsponge with Rough Copy! As the VT begins, Funsponge is having a conversation with the group about how proud their mams must be of them. One of them (Sterling) suggests that Funsponge might like to meet his mum. OF COURSE HE WOULD LIKE THAT, IT SAYS SO IN THE SCRIPT. We’re shown his mum. She was the mad one what kissed Dermot on the face when they got through at auditions. Funsponge wants her sent to his dressing room. He’s going to let security know she’s coming. When she gets to his dressing room she’s all hugs and chat up lines, including giving out her number. Kazeem then says that she might be Sterling’s mum but she’s like a mum to all of them. Sterling is offended by the suggestion that she only might be his mum. OH THE HILARITY. They go on to talk about the film premiere which was THOR TWO and Sterling’s mum came with them. She loves the lights and is so excited that she slaps herself. They’re all quite sweetly excited actually, especially that they’re sharing the red carpet with A listers like Idris Elba. This week they’re singing a song from Robin Hood Prince Of Thieves. OH I WONDER WHAT THAT COULD BE? They think that nobody will be expecting it. Funsponge thinks that it needs good vocals but if anyone can pull it off its them. LET ME BE THE JUDGE OF THAT, TIGHTPANTS.</div>
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Of course it’s Everything I Do. Even though it’s cut very short, it still feels like it goes on for longer than the original was at number one. It’s been ballided for one, it’s got that ridiculous sub-dubstep (substep?) backing track and it has not one, but two key changes and a couple of random choirs. It’s fawful.</div>
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Nicole wants to give them all a squeeze because that’s how you kick off a show. They don’t disappoint, she likes how they all have their individual moments to shine but it can be a bit pitchy when they’re all together. Other than that they are a vision and she wants to come to their concert. Louis thinks they’re a little Boyz II Men. He loves there’s three strong singers and he likes their style and vocals and thinks there has to be a gap in the market for them. Sharon thinks they’re beyond week three standard. She loves the outfits and seeing them sing something in a different tempo. She loves the song choice and Funsponge says it was their choice. He’s only got one thing to say - he sings OH YEAH and I want to punch him more than usual. They’re known for the fun but he’s happy they’ve ditched that this week and just sung.</div>
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Durrbot then asks them if they enjoyed getting rid of the usual boyband fayre and just singing. They agree. The end. How pointless was this segment. BUY THE APP. Apparently, though, in an unprecedented move, there’s going to be two acts before the first adverts. I am unused to this kind of luxury. Durrbot announces that when you think of action heroes, you often think of Louis Walsh. He’s half right, he’s still the only voice of sense on this show. We’re kicking off with Sam Callahan.</div>
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Sam was pleased with his performance from last week. OF COURSE HE WAS. He says that it was nice to get complimented on his singing voice rather than his looks. To illustrate this, we see him talking about doing a photoshoot illustrated by him in a wet tshirt. No show knows it’s audience like this one. He finds his abs embarrassing to talk about. He points out that he is Torso of the Week in Heat Magazine and OMG THAT’S SO EMBARRASING. We haven’t mentioned the Premiere yet so we have a shot set up of Louis telling him that he’s going. He tells us how excited he was and how he’d always wanted to go to a premiere. That’s about all he can string together. He says it was amazing but he’s here to give the performance of a lifetime.</div>
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Because it’s all about the singing, Sam is wearing ridiculously tight trousers and a ridiculously tight shirt that show off his singing voice perfectly. He’s singing “All I Want Is You “ by U2 which he manages fairly inoffensively until he tries to do a key change.</div>
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Sharon likes the song and the drummer. Snerk. She wants to know where in the name of Gummo that song came from. Sam has his answer practiced, Reality Bites. He delivers this answer in the manner I did when my grandma made me phone up BBC radio Cumbria with an answer to a quiz in that he knows what he’s supposed to say but when pressed he can say no more. Sharon asks him about Reality Bites and he can only reply that it’s a film. Louis tries to save it by saying it’s from Rattle and Hum and Sharon is the one that rattles. She agrees but thinks that the song choice is weird. It’s supposed to be movie week not Irish week. She thinks he sung it well though. Funsponge thinks the song choice exposed his weak vocals and he will live and die by song choice. [<i>I think he'll live and die by wardrobe choices - the minute he wears a loose-fitting long-sleeved shirt, he's outta here. - Steve</i>] Nicole agrees and says that his vocals are getting stronger every week but he’s not strong enough for Bono yet. She’d like to see him with more edge. Louis couldn’t give two fucks what anyone else thinks because the audience love him and they’ll work harder next week.</div>
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Durrbot presses Sam on what he thinks about the song. He says that it was a group decision but mentions that the song choice changed midweek. Dermot then goes on to ask Sam if he’s even got the edge that Nicole wants to see. Sam replies that there’s more to see from him that’s why he’s enjoying the theme weeks. Oh just end this painful charade and have him sing topless damn it. We all know that’s where this is headed. He milks it as he leaves.</div>
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After the break – Hannah and Nicholas. Oh the sweet release of the ad break.</div>
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When we return it’s Nicole and the girls. We’re starting with Hannah. Nicole points out that her life has changed loads since the show began because she used to be a baker. Nicole wants to go to Greggs to see what her life used to be like. I love Nicole because she manages the kind of enthusiasm for Greggs that nobody has ever had ever. Nicole even eats a sausage roll and manages to pretend she likes it. She even manages to put on a hairnet and Greggs uniform and work behind the counter. This woman is a goddess. As much as Hannah loves working in the generic High St bakery, she loves singing more. So much that she’s ruining music for all of us by singing Skyfall by Adele. We see her rehearsing the big notes. She interviews that she’s struggling with the end note in rehearsals. OOH DANGER VOCALS. She’s proud to have Nicole as a mentor and she hopes to do her proud.</div>
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She does a Hannah job of it, which means she sings it serviceably enough but makes it sad. She’s dressed nicely though. She’s wearing a figure hugging dress which is unusual for this show and chubbers. OF COURSE she makes the big note at the end. Was there ever really any doubt?</div>
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Louis kicks off the feedback by saying that she was only born to sing, she looks great and it was emotional and soulful. Ten out of ten. Sharon thinks she’s unstoppable, she’s found her comfort zone and she’s unstoppable. She’s “like a real contender” and she’s 30 out of ten. Funsponge thinks she’s unbeatable, he likes her growth and that she took on an Adele song and won. She makes Nicole want to get up and act like an idiot, which is HIGHLY UNUSUAL. She thinks she added soul to an Adele song. She’s beautiful, worked hard and she’s proud of her.</div>
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Durrbot comments on the electric atmosphere and wonders how she’s feeling. She feels good and she tried hard because she picked the song. She’s happy. Durrbot remarks that this is a change from the usual. Bitch.</div>
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Next up is Nicholas. He’s excited for movie week. Louis wants him to sing Angel by Sarah McLaughlin from the movie City Of Angels. Nicholas pulls a “WTF granddad” face at this but says that he really likes it. Louis wonders where he heard it as HE IS SO YOUNG. He doesn’t reply. Louis then remarks that he’s the baby of the house. That’s ok though, because he’s been LEARNING STUFF. Sam Bailey has taught him how to use a washing machine and he’s taught himself how to iron. He Skypes his mum to tell her this. She’s proud. Into rehearsals, we’re reminded that HE’S ONLY 16. Louis also reminds him that he needs to put lots of emotion in it. He knows his place depends on it. He can’t wait to go out and sing it. Let’s have a look then.</div>
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Well, despite all the ONLY SIXTEEN nonsense, they’ve dressed him up like an old man but he’s singing the song on a stage with some dancers who are sitting down so it’s all modern, like. He McElderrys the SHIT out of the song. This means he sings it perfectly but doesn’t inject any personality in it. He makes it so generic it could be a karaoke backing track. Oh well.</div>
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Sharon wants to know how old he is. Of course she does. Does anyone know? She loves the song, loves the emotion in the song and he looks all grown up like a big boy. Funsponge loved it because it was dull. He would like him to be less serious next week and sing a song for a SIXTEEN year old. Nicole thinks that he’s singing fine songs. He looks like a baby Buble and he’s so calming she wants to go sailing with him. The fuck? Has she been drinking? [<i>If not, I think Luke's got a boat they can borrow. Not a SAILING boat, though. - Steve</i>] Louis thinks he has a natural recording voice and hopes ALL OF SCOTLAND vote for him.</div>
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Durrbot has a rare moment of self awareness and asks if anyone else wants to mention Nicholas’ age. Sharon interrupts and says he’s SEXTEEN but then realises that could possibly be misconstrued into something with a whiff of Yewtree so she pretends that she was doing a Scottish accent. Durrbot wonders if Nicolas would like to sing songs that were a bit more upbeat. He tells everyone that next week is Disco week so if he’s around then he will be doing something more exciting. Dermot then points to a Scottish stereotype in the audience who is Nicholas’ Godfather. Nicolas’ godfather is wearing a kilt, a See You Jimmy at and Nicholas’ face on a stick. Excellent.</div>
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AFTER THE BREAK – Abi and Miss Dynamix. I CAN’T WAIT (for this to be over).</div>
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When we return from the break we’re back with Nicolas’ godfather who is enjoying his five minutes, but that’s enough of that, it’s Abi’s turn. Abi interviews that last week wasn’t her best. She got a lot of criticism for her rubbish performance. This week she’s bringing it back to her and singing Moon River by Audrey Hepburn from Breakfast at Tiffany’s. She’s never seen it so she and Nicole pretend to have a girl’s night in and watch it wearing onesies. Abi loves Nicole because she just wants to <s>win </s>help her to do well . The song is more emotional and stripped back than last weeks, so Abi feels she’s back in her comfort zone. Abi is excited to perform the show. Not only did she pretend to watch a film with Nicole, Abi also got to go to a movie premiere and pretend to be kooky around Chris Hemsworth. She remarks that the red carpet is a long way from tea on her sofa back home. She’s coming back fighting this week. I hope she means literally.</div>
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She does come back fighting. She’s fighting the tune with all of her might because she really doesn’t want to be in it. The only way it could be improved is if it was sung like Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady. By someone else. It’s so terrible it’s almost as if she’s going to start crying at several points during the performance because she knows how terrible it is. See the issue here is that this song is already ballided to shit and doesn’t need to be ballided further, but they’ve tried, bless ‘em.</div>
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Louis wasn’t a fan last week but she’s dusted herself off and this performance has put her back in the race. Sharon thinks she was brave to sing only with an acoustic guitar but there was no emotion or charisma in the performance and all she inspires is people to put the kettle on. Thank goodness for the sense. Mrs O. Funsponge thought it was brave and beautiful but it was too overthought and the artist has been lost. For once we agree. He liked the way she ballided normal songs instead of just singing ballids. Nicole’s defence is that Abi grew up with the song on her piano. She doesn’t make it clear if we’re taking a physical copy or it was written on there. Nicole says that if we keep her in she’ll come out with her daffodils swinging.</div>
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Durrbot wonders wtf they want from Abi because she’s been boring from the start and they shouldn’t really expect anything else. Sharon wants the X Factor. I’m glad we remember that’s what we’re looking for. Nicole defends Sharon by saying it was good advice as Sharon only wants to help. Abi starts crying and Nicole spins this by saying that the public like her vulnerability. She says she’s upset because she’s trying so hard.</div>
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Just when we think it couldn’t get worse, we’re going backstage to Caroline Flack. She’s interviewing Sam Callaghan. OF COURSE SHE IS. She asks him a question about his rubbish performance that is so loaded it’s Frankie and Bennies potato skins about his rubbish performance. He agrees he was rubbish but he’s taking risks because it’s NOT THE VOICE. Ooh. Caroline then wonders what sets him apart. He says he’s got stuff other than his voice going on . LIKE HIS ABS. His parents have been reading twitter and have read some tweets that aren’t about his abs or him being shit that have questioned what the judges were listening to. They think he was brilliant.</div>
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Back to Durrbot and it’s the turn of Miss Dynamix. SeSe is suddenly more pregnant than she’s ever been. The baby is fine and they’re back. They’re gutted because they wanted to earn their place rather than being given a free pass. Apparently there’s been some negative comments online about how they don’t deserve to be there. SeSe is fine and Funsponge is happy to have her back. SeSe is crying because she’s being judged for being selfish. She’s JUST TRYING TO MAKE A BETTER LIFE FOR HER CHILDREN. Funsponge tells her to stop going on twitter and I scream at the telly that WE ALEADY HAVE ONE ST JESY THE PATRON SAINT OF NOT GOOGLING YOURSELF WE DON’T NEED ANOTHER. Funsponge urges the other girls to look after SeSe and to not let her near any of the Samsung branded internet products. Enough of that though, SeSe feeling a bit unwell has brought them together as a group. Tonight they’re going to prove that they deserve to be in the competition.</div>
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They’re doing Dreams by Gabrielle. Was this in a film? [<i>Apparently it's in Magnolia. It's also the same song they were doing for Love & Heartbreak week before SeSe collapsed, so...make of that what you will. - Steve</i>] They’re wearing neon and they’ve gone all substep for this one. They’re also singing a bit out of time but I think that might be supposed to be part of the substep theme. The whole thing is like someone took the Bixmix script but crossed out ‘feminist’ and stuck ‘urban’ in its place. Despite the urban theme, there’s still a key change. Of course there is.</div>
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Nicole kicks off the feedback. She knows they’ve been through a lot together. She likes the song choice and the girl power but the vocals and the energy didn’t cut it. Nicole thinks that it shows that they’ve only just come together. Louis agrees but thinks that they shouldn’t have spent so much time on twitter looking for people talking about them and more time rehearsing and perhaps they’re missing something. Sharon also thinks they’re missing something and Sharon makes the South African one click because looking at forrins being funny is a perfectly reasonable way to spend Saturday night. [<i>That was VERY uncomfortable. Oh Sharon. - Steve</i>] Funsponge thinks that perhaps the criticism is a bit unfair and he for one is glad that SeSe is well. Oh what a surprise. They’re throwing the bus at the girl group with the audacity to have a womb. Stay classy, X Factor.</div>
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Durrbot asks if they felt like they’ve proved themselves. They think they have. SeSe doesn’t want to use her illness as an excuse cos everyone gets ill but the public literally don’t have the capacity to understand how much they want it. Way to self sabotage. SeSe begs for another chance and if they do come back they will come back and make everyone proud. Hmm.</div>
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Enough of that now, it’s time for the adverts.</div>
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When we return it’s time for Sharon’s final act. She can’t believe she’s the only over left. It was hard to see Shelley go but she’s going to keep going for Sharon. She can’t believe that she’s been at a premiere this week signing autographs. Neither can we. She confesses that before she was a prison officer she did a few small gigs in social clubs and it was very unglamorous. She’s also done a cruise ship which was like Butlins on Water. Sharon has given her My Heart Will Go On. OF COURSE SHE HAS. Sam then tells a hilarious story about how she nearly died on a boat but still had to sing it. LOL. She had vowed never to sing it again but they’re making her whether she likes it or not.</div>
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They’ve dressed her as a boat and got her substantial chebs out for her performance. She does the performance that she always does. She bellows it in everyone’s faces with lots of echo and pulls angry faces. She then looks relieved when it’s over. It was ever thus.</div>
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Funsponge remarks on the crowd reaction. Apparently the audience are representative of the people. Funsponge says he saw Celine in Vegas and she was better. Nicole thought it was MAJESTICAL [<i>I think she may even have said "machesticles". I really hope she did. - Steve</i>] and Sambailey is Britain’s Celine. Louis thinks she was magical and she looks like a little Disney princess. Sharon says that she will give Sambailey everything. Sharon hopes Simon is watching and signs her. Sam is interviewed by Dermot about her near death experience and still manages to be boring. Excellent work.</div>
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Competition, adverts, help me.</div>
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When we return, Durrbot is in the audience with Bixmix who are taking a break from representing women everywhere including America. Well done! They like Kingsland Road and Sam. This is just as well as Kingsland Road are next. They’re watching back their terrible performance from last week on their YouView box in order to see where they went wrong. Can a YouView box go back to their time of conception and prevent it? I don’t think it can. Anyway, Shoreditch High St think that their saving performance was very passionate and they’re going to try to find a way to get the passion in to every week. They rehearse at every moment, unless they’re going back to actual Kingsland Road to remember where they came from. They’re going to perform like it’s their last chance.</div>
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They’re singing Pretty Woman atop some scaffolding. I can’t hear it for my own shouts of FALL OFF YOU HIPSTER TWATS. I can’t put my finger on why they’re so awful. I think that it’s because they seem to have adopted all the tropes that have ever existed on this shithouse of a programme and adopted them in order to become potentially unstoppable but all it’s done is make them irritate me.</div>
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So what do the judges make of Old St? Nicole thinks their harmonies were good and the lead vocals were improved. She thought it was raining cheese at times but she kind of liked it. She thinks it was the best performance. Louis thought the song choice was cheesy and dated but the hair was better. Sharon thinks it was a bit Jersey Boys but they need to pull back on the cheese a touch. Funsponge was shocked by the flash vote last week and tells Louis to STFU because they needed an up-tempo number amid all the ballids. Dermot wonders what it was like being in the bottom two. They didn’t enjoy it but they came back fighting. They’re working hard not to be in that situation again. We’ll see.</div>
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Final boy time! Xenophobically he’s doing it for Devon and cream teas, it’s Luke of the Dump! Luke of the Dump manages to mention in the first five minutes that he’s just a boy from Devon. He must be doing badly if we’re going for the regional vote. He’s happy to be in the competition. Louis asks him what it’s like for him to go to international shopping centre Westfield. He replies that it takes him ages to get anywhere but he’s so cool with it he’s got a name for his fans – Friendees. [<i>Wouldn't "friends" have been more straightforward? - Steve</i>] Lots of people notice his hair first. They want to smell it. I want to burn it. He doesn’t want the support to end. Louis thinks that Luke of the Dump has got a lot of support behind him but he will do something this week that will make a lot of people happy. Cut to the hairdresser asking if he can wash his hair. Luke seems unsure, but goes for it. It looks the same but smells better. He still looks like he’s been dragged through a hedge. Louis reminds him to keep an eye on his vocals.</div>
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He does. He makes them more affected and breathy than usual. He’s wearing an honest to goodness cravat and singing Kiss From A Rose. He gets the words wrong and it falls into club singer territory at time, but he gets bonus points for at least pretending to play his guitar even though it not plugged in to anything. Oh Stig.</div>
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Sharon thinks he’s got a distinctive vocal that sets him aside. He has an edge and is dirty but he’s got his own thing going on. She likes the song choice and thinks his vocals have improved. Funsponge thinks it’s the surprise of the night and he’s growing into the role assigned to him by the producers. Nicole loves the song choice, he seems more comfortable with his guitar and she wants to sniff his head. Louis reveals that Luke of the dump chose the song and it was his most relaxed performance to date. Durrbot wonders how he’s feeling. He says he got to sing one of his favourite songs and he’s been learning and he wants to learn more. He also enjoys playing his guitar. Because he’s a rocker. Do you see?</div>
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Caroline is backstage though and still not allowed near Nicholas. She tries to talk to Tamera but she’s dragged off before she can get a chance. She’s also wondering how Abi is. She said she tried her best. She then asks the Abi Parents another loaded question about how awful it must be to see their terrible daughter crying onstage. Her dad blames the tough song choices and her mum says everyone at home is supporting her.</div>
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Only one more act to go! Thank heck.</div>
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After the break Durrbot welcomes us to the live final. Is it over?! Can we go home?! Of course we can’t, Durrbot is just a terrible presenter. It’s the last of the girls though, it’s Tamera’s turn. She’s doing Listen. She wanted to be Beyonce when she was a kid (piss off) and when Dreamgirls came out she used to watch it every day after school (no seriously, PISS OFF). She’s even handily made a video of herself singing it as a kid and they watch it on the Samsung tablet. Singing it on the X Factor means lots to her. Nicole reminds her that once she’s in the lyrics she’ll take off in a rocket ship. Oh Nicole. Tamera is also getting a makeover this week. They’ve made her look even more like Beyonce to sing Listen. I can only hope that at some point <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2-Bfpe2TK4">this</a> happens.</div>
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So yeah, Tamera sings Listen and she makes everyone else look like amateurs. The end. Can we not just give it to her already? Seriously. This is just a charade now. It’s embarrassing for everyone. It’s every inch a finale performance. I’m expecting Harry Styles to come and tell her how much pussy she’s going to get.</div>
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Louis thinks she stole the show with her star quality. He urges her to work hard and he loves the hair. Sharon thinks she’s the ideal little young gorgeous popstar. She has everything going for her. She would like to hear a bit more soul though and a bit more connection. She calls her Tamara. Funsponge thinks it’s an amazing vocal performance but warns her against being a Beyonce impersonator. Louis disagrees cos he knows his Beyonce. Nicole thinks that we should remember that she’s ONLY SIXTEEN and she’s got the balls to take on a song from someone twice her age. She’s pleased to be able to sing it on the X Factor stage.</div>
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That’s it! Numbers please! Don’t forget the flash vote. We have a recap of everyone to kill time before the useless flash vote. I use this opportunity to watch the ABurke/Beyonce video again because it’s awesome and so am I. Everyone arrives back on stage. Durrbot speaks to Sam Bailey who says that the boys in the house need a mum and that’s her. Sam Callahan says something about his abs I think. Luke of the Dump is elated to have been named the performance of the night. Nicholas has worked hard to be here and has had the time of his life. Tamera is so glad she got to sing the song. Abi has more to give. Of course you do dearie. Hannah feels blessed to be here and she’s going to keep fighting. Rough Copy are also blessed and happy to be there. London Fields want to keep entertaining us and Miss Dynamix hope that people can see their potential and that’s the end of the 10 minutes. Now to spend another 10 waiting for Durrbot JUST TO READ THE BLOODY THING OUT.</div>
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Ad break. Come on.</div>
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The judges arrive back onstage. Durrbot wants to know if Sharon is nervous. She’s both nervous and desperate. Louis is happy but nervous. Nicole is also nervous but she knows the girls have given it their all. Funsponge is... wait for it.. nervous.</div>
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First safe category is The Girls. We can’t believe it either, Abi. Next up is The Overs. Louis looks nervous. Final category safe is The Boys which means that it’s one of the groups. OH SURELY NOT THE PREGNANT GROUP THAT YOU DROVE A BUS INTO TONIGHT? I CAN SCARCELY BELIEVE IT. Of course it is. Damn those pesky wimmins and their functioning ladyparts. Durrbot reminds them that’s not the end but they are taking it as an opportunity to rehearse. [<i>Good luck with that - you had two weeks to rehearse 'Dreams' and it still sucked. - Steve</i>] Lets vote to see who they’re taking on.</div>
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So that’s it. Join me tomorrow for The Wanted and LADY FUPPING GAGA.</div>
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Helenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14309430718065420406noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-29900943216470078592013-10-22T22:30:00.001+01:002013-10-22T22:30:29.586+01:00Shell(ey) shocked<b>Top 11 Results - 20th October 2013</b><br />
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Heeeeeeere's Dermot, reminding us that Dalston Kingsland are in the sing-off, and that one act will be joining them shortly. But we can't just go straight to that part of the proceedings, oh no. First we must relive<a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/kingsland-road-to-nowhere.html"> Love & Heartache Night</a>, which mostly involved Sharon screaming "I AM ON TELEVISION, PAY ME ATTENTION!" and Nicole driving her catchphrase collection to the point of destruction. Also, SeSe from Missed Dynamics opted to go to hospital rather than endure the show. I don't know if you've ever spent a Saturday night in A&E, but let me tell you, I'd probably pick that over <i>The X Factor</i> these days as well. In addition to the results tonight, we also have performances from Robin Thicke and Katy Perry to look forward to. Well, I say "look forward to". I mean "trigger the apocalypse".<br />
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Titles. What if Giant X is stationary, and it's actually our planet that's hurtling towards it, rather than the other way round? Did nobody stop to consider this?<br />
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Out bops Dermot, imagining he's on the links once again. He's closely followed by the judges: Gary's wearing a pinstriped suit that looks like corduroy if you squint (so naturally, I'm going to squint for the next hour), Nicole's in a black shimmering leotard-type gown with a sheer skirt, Sharon's trussed up in Bacofoil like the oven-ready turkey that she is, and Louis is wearing a jacket that looks like it doesn't belong to him. He clearly shares a tailor with Dermot.<br />
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Dermot reminds us that the lines are still open for a short while, as long as we don't want to vote for Kingsland Road or Missed Dynamics, not that anyone ever would. Apparently two votes cost 69p on the app, which seems like such a rip off when the Beeb are giving us five free votes for <i>Strictly</i> each week on their website.<br />
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The group sing for this week is Avicii's 'Wake Me Up', with the male contestants doing most of the singing for the first half. This has been blocked appallingly, because contestants walk in front of the cameras twice before they even get to the first chorus. Also, whoever decided that Hannah should be made to wear a hideously unflattering black and candy-pink jumpsuit for this performance needs to have their licence to dress people revoked. Of note: Nicholas's adorably awkward dancing, Sam The Screw and Tamera apparently having a competition to see who can sound the most like Shelley (I think Sam wins by a nose), and Hannah being jarringly flat.<br />
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After that, it's time for us to revisit the events of last night. As far as unseen material goes, Sam The Screw was pleased to show a softer side of her voice, Sharon likes the likeableness of Nicholas's likeability, Abi learned a valuable lesson about not pretending to be versatile, Gary is disappointed by the existence of comedy in the universe, Nicole thinks Sam C made the biggest improvement of anyone this week, Nicole wants everyone to be afraid of Tamera, Luke hopes he can be in a boat again next week, Rough Copy apparently do not exist in any sort of backstage capacity, and Sharon and Nicole agreed that Hannah gave the performance of the night.<br />
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Back to tonight, and let's all sit here awkwardly and watch eight women look uncomfortable as they strut around in leotards and tights while the skeeziest man alive sings the rapiest song of the summer - it's Robin Thicke with 'Blurred Lines', everybody! Fortunately it is no longer the summer, so I suggest we skip right to the point where nobody puts up with his shit for a second longer. <i>*Fast forwards to the end*</i>. Dermot arrives and is all "WURRRRGH! LADIES!" He then asks Robin Thicke if he has room for two more ladies, because he can offer him Sharon and Nicole. Great move, Dermot. You've actually found a way to make Robin Thicke, this song (and yourself) sound even more misogynistic than usual. (For what it's worth, Sharon seems quite taken with the idea of joining Robin's female entourage, while the look on Nicole's face is more "the fuck am I doing that. I left the Pussycat Dolls for a reason".) Robin shills his tour that'll be over here in January, where he'll be playing one or both of the songs that everyone knows, and then goes off backstage to chat to Katy Perry about the coincidence that led to the most awful man in contemporary pop music and the most awful woman in contemporary pop music to end up booked on the same show at the same time.<br />
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Adverts. I'm sure I can't be the only person who wants to write "East" in front of all the <i>Ender's Game</i> posters, can I?<br />
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When we return, Dermot declares the lines officially closed, and has a little chat with the judges. He says that it was a big shock in the studio that Dalston Kingsland lost the Flash Vote, "obviously maybe not at home". Well yes, I'd imagine all the people that did not vote for them probably weren't terribly shocked. Gary says he didn't see it coming, and he would've changed nothing about their performance last night. Gary Barlow: Best Mentor Ever. He says they've been preparing for 24 hours and they're ready to sing for their lives. Dermot asks who's in trouble, based on last night's performances. Nicole thinks Shelley, because of the song choice. Gary agrees. Sharon votes for "little Abu Dhabi", and I think nearly everyone watching had to take a moment to work out if she was being "comically" racist about someone. Dermot clarifies "to the rest of the English-speaking language" (derp) that she meant Abi. Finally, Louis thinks it's between Abi and Shelley.<br />
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Time for our second guest of the evening, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/theketyperr">Katy Perry</a>. Hey, remember <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qc03Yn7-Qw">this</a>? Because I can't forget it, and BELIEVE ME, I'VE TRIED. Has Katy spent her time away from the show having singing lessons? LOL NO, she's spent it writing shitty "empowerment" songs and buying even shittier stage outfits, like tonight's tiger-striped dress and animal-ear headband. (Katy Perry is 28.) She still can't fucking sing, but at least the people who write her songs for her these days have cottoned on, and write songs like 'Roar' that don't actually require her to sustain a note for any length of time. She biffs the last note, because she can't sing, and then she squeals to Dermot "I get to dress up like a big cat, so I love this song!" (Katy Perry is 28.) Dermot points out that Katy Perry is on this show all the effing time, just like Kelly Rowland used to be when she was angling for a job, so would Katy ever consider joining the judging panel "if one of these seats ever became available". Dermot, at least two of them are available NEXT SERIES. Katy says she would "love to give constructive criticism". Yeah, I'm sure she'd be really incisive. She mentions her brief spell as a guest judge at auditions when Dannii was pregnant, and adds "I love that I let Niall through". That joke's too easy, isn't it? (SO IS HARRY STYLES, THANK YOU, I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK!) Katy Perry fucks off, hopefully forever.<br />
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After an ad break, we're back, and Dalston Kingsland are stood in the background behind Dermot, looking terrified and miserable. So either being in the sing-off is proving hard to handle, or they got a sneak preview of Katy's new album backstage. Dermot welcomes back the judges and what's left of their artist rosters. In no particular order, the following acts are safe and definitely through to next week: Rough Copy, Hannah (with no hair incidents this time), Sam The Screw, Luke, Tamera, Nicholas, Abi and finally Sam C, who was really starting to get the vapours towards the end there. (Fun fact: this is now the furthest Louis has ever got in the competition without having an act in the bottom two.) That means Shelley's back in the sing-off, which I think she knew was coming. As did everyone else.<br />
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Ads. I have not missed the "biscwits" panda at all.<br />
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When we return, Dermot reminds us who's in the sing-off this week, and Dalston Kingsland and Shelley make their way back out, all looking thoroughly pissed off, and with Dalston all trying to walk with their arms around each other's shoulders and failing parlously (those stairs!), like they've only just realised why there isn't generally a six-legged race on school sports days.<br />
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Dalston are singing first, so Shelley goes off to the side to join Dermot. Dalston go for the Nicole vote by actually having Thompson and Matt on lead vocals this time around, even if three of them basically just stand there going "ahhhhhh" for most of it. They're singing 'Try' by Pink, by the way - it's a little breathy and scratchy, but by the standards of boyband singoffs on this show, it's decent enough. When it's over most of them start sobbing, but no one calls them fake or accuses them of trying to manipulate the judges because a) they're men and b) this isn't <i>The Great British Bake Off</i>. Don't ask me, I don't make the rules.<br />
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Shelley applauds them gamely and tells them all (individually) that she loves them as they cross paths on the way to the stage. Shelley's chosen is 'Stop!' by Sam Brown, and this is pretty painful for me because I love this song and she's swallowing all her consonants and doing all her terrible club singer tics, although there are moments where she sounds great and bluesy and I remember why I liked her in the first place. Brief moments, though.<br />
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Dalston come back out to join her, and now it's time to find out who the judges are keeping. Dermot reminds us that there's no deadlock (boo!), so if there's a tie, Dalston are going home. Gary's up first, and he tells both acts that they did well, but obviously he's backing his act, so he's sending Shelley home. For the same reason, Sharon is sending Dalston home. Because this procedure is needlessly complicated, Dermot chooses this point to explain that if Nicole also votes to send Dalston home, then they're going because the best they can hope for is a tie, at which point they're automatically gone for losing the Flash Vote. Sharon can be heard buzzing in the background trying to get Nicole to save Shelley, but despite Nicole telling Shelley that she finds her inspiring, she's got to support Dalston this week, so she's sending Shelley home. So it's all down to Louis, and Sharon's going "Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis!" in his ear <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwW3ytid4DA">the whole time</a> and kissing him all over and telling him she'll do anything, and I'm fairly certain there is a fanfic somewhere on the internet that goes something like this. I mean, Rule 34, right? It's all for nowt, though, because Louis wants to save the act with the most potential, so he's sending Shelley home. Ever the classy one, Sharon stands up and insists that Gary swaps seats with her while her act is on stage by herself insisting that she's fine, and telling Dalston that she loves them. Poor Shelley. (Dalston do seem genuinely fond of her as well, which is sweet.)<br />
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We see Shelley's best bits, including lots of shots of her adorable daughter. Present-day Shelley is in the corner of the screen, enjoying watching it back. I think deep down she knew she was never going to get much further than this. After the video package, Dermot tells her that she's going to have to give up driving and become a singer, surely? Yes, because nothing says 'give up your day job' like finishing 11th on <i>The X Factor</i>. Shelley says thanks to everyone on the show because she's had a great time, and Sharon is amazing. Sharon says she's gutted to have lost two acts in two weeks, because it's all about Sharon. Exeunt Sharon and Shelley.<br />
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That's it! Next week it's movie week, and The Wanted arrive for that long-delayed "ugliest boyband" head-to-head with Dalston, and someone called Lady...Gaga? Whoever she is, she'll be here. You know who else will be here? Our Helen, that's who. Be sure to join her then!Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-6162911859933424502013-10-20T18:05:00.000+01:002013-10-20T20:45:26.030+01:00(Kingsland) Road to nowhere<b>Top 11: Love & Heartache Week - 19 October 2013</b><br />
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<a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/unacceptable-in-80s.html">Last</a> <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/cher-lorna-cy.html">weekend</a>: The live shows kicked off, and Gary declared that Dalston Kingsland will be the group whose performance we all look forward to each week (spoilers: LOL WHOOPS), while Sam The Screw and Tamera got the best reception of the night, Missed Dynamics performed in the exact way that you'd expect a group of people who've only known each other to perform together, and the first-ever Flash Vote saw Shelley getting the least public support on Saturday, only to miraculously survive on Sunday when Lorna's complete invisibility caught up with her (and let's be honest, the pictures of her <a href="http://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/x-factor-lorna-simpsons-shotgun-2342609">fondling a gun</a> probably didn't do her any favours either - although she should consider entering the US version, where that would probably help her to the top five at the very least) and she ended up biffing the sing-off. Meanwhile, Sharon managed not to storm off in a huff and threaten to quit the show because two of her acts were in the bottom two - maybe she really has grown as a person?<br />
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Tonight, it's Love (represented by Kylie & Jason, Wills & Kate and Green Boots) and Heartache (represented by Gary crying at the press conference when Take That announced their split. Okay then) Week. So, essentially it's "songs week", because I think you can count the number of hits that don't address either love or heartache in some form on the fingers of a whale. We're reminded of who's mentoring which category: Gary's got the groups (and he thinks the girls are going to LOVE Dalston this week), Nicole's got the girls (and she insists they are going to BRING IT), Louis has the boys (why does Luke look so pained in the picture? And why is he doing selfie-duckface, come to that?) and Sharon has what's left of the over-25s (and she insists they're coming out fighting). It's time! To face! Some more banter about Dermot's penis! (Probably.)<br />
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Giant X, Giant X, flying through the sky. Giant X, Giant X, never tells us why. Crashes to Earth, but what comes next? Giant X, Giant X, Giant X.<br />
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We're live from London, and 'Love Is In The Air' plays as Dermot enters. Frankly, all this does is make me think of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-sP-u-EmXY">Ashley and Ola's samba</a> from <a href="http://strictlycomebitching.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/seven-valley.html">last week</a> on <i>Strictly</i>. Maybe Dermot's going to whip his shirt off and/or descend from the ceiling in a giant heart? ...no, he just walks on and does his usual mic-toss and backwards golf-swing. Come on, Dermot, we expect more from you these days. I notice that these days he's saying "your X Factor weekend starts right here!" I wonder if they added that qualification to his intro once it became abundantly clear that more people were starting their weekend 90 minutes earlier on BBC1? He announces the theme, and declares it apt (APT!) because one more act will be going home tomorrow.<br />
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The judges enter as two flamethrowers blast out a firey X in front of them, and I get all <i>Ghostbusters</i>, worrying whether it's really safe to be crossing the streams like that. Gary's all in black, Nicole's in devilish red, Sharon's wearing a black and white gown that's cut out around the front so you can still see her cleavage, and Louis is wearing one of his velvet jackets again. Dermot reminds us that the finalists will face the FLASH VOTE once again at the end of the show, and fewer than ten minutes of voting will potentially decide their future in the competition. Or not, if it's like what happened last week with Shelley.<br />
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Dermot opens the performances by telling us that last week saw the return of "an <i>X Factor</i> great". Oh my god, RUTH LORENZO WAS BACK?!?! Oh, he means Sharon. "She came, she saw, she squeezed, she hugged." She's sharp, she's cool, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHLJDs9jAvk">she rides on a mule</a>! Sharon's category is opening the show, and Sam The Screw is up first. In reference to the theme, Sam discusses her love of football - thanks to the show, she got to go to the England game at Wembley last week. It turns out that Sam <i>really</i> loves football<i> [Why do I feel I'm watching a redux of last week's <a href="http://strictlycomebitching.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/seven-valley.html">Strictly</a> with these VTs? - Rad] </i>- she's played for Millwall, Charlton, Crystal Palace, Leicester City Ladies and the Prison Service. She says that football is a passion she shares with her husband, and obviously he's the <i>other</i> love of her life. Poor Sam's husband. Such an afterthought. (Actually, the 15 seconds or so of that VT given over to Sam's love of football was the most animated and likeable she's been all series. I wish they'd deployed that side of her sooner rather than focusing so heavily on the prison warder/mum/weepy aspects of her life.) Sam tells Sharon that she hasn't really experienced heartbreak because she's only ever been in love once, so this week's going to be all about Craig. I feel like someone should point out to her that Sam's probably going to experience heartbreak in the music industry before very long, but she looks so happy right now and I don't really want to be That Guy. Sharon tells Sam that her emotions will make her performance more genuine. Sam says that she and her husband got together in a nightclub in 2002, and we see their wedding pictures, which are cute. She says that Craig's looked after the kids and kept things going during the competition, and she wants him to know how much he means to her, so this song is dedicated to him.<br />
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Sam takes to the stage and sings 'Leave (Get Out)' by JoJo. No, of course not, she's singing 'Make You Feel My Love' by Bob Dylan/Adele (delete according to your preference). I'm still dumbstruck by how much her makeover has made her look like Niki "Meaty Minge" Evans. Are we absolutely sure that "Sam Bailey" isn't just a character Niki invented to get herself back on the television to raise funds for more vagina surgery? Sam's performance has a nice tone to it - it's more understated than she has been in previous weeks, which is an encouraging sign. I've always found this song deathly dull and this performance isn't doing anything to change that, but she's certainly doing a more than competent job. Maybe it's just because I've gone off Shelley since Judges' Houses, or maybe it was that football VT, but I'm starting to find Sam more appealing as a contestant, even if I can't imagine she's ever likely to release a record that I'll want to listen to voluntarily.<br />
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Gary tells Sam that they're so used to her being excellent that she's making life very difficult for herself, "but every week you take the bar up another level". He goes on to say "I like you in this space", which is an odd thing to say. This is the same space everyone performs in, Gary. Unless he just meant "I like you in the musical space of standing there doing nothing and singing a ballid", which: b'duh. Nicole elongates each syllable of Sam's full first name, which anyone who's ever been told off by their mother will instantly recognise as a bad omen, and says that it's hard for her because she's a big fan of Sam, but that performance "left me lukewarm". Sharon SCREECHES various things that don't appear to be actual words, and Nicole says that she sees Sam as a big power singer, and that song felt tonally wrong to her. Louis tells Sam that he's got a new name for her: ScrewBo. You know, like SuBo. Because of the many similarities between Sam and Susan Boyle? <i>*crickets chirp*</i> Anyway, Sharon screeches "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" and gets entirely caught up in the "screw" part and thinking that Louis is calling her a hooker or something, because Sharon's spent too long in Beverly Hills and forgotten all of her British slang. Anyway, Louis says it's a compliment because she's going to be here for a long time. He does know that you can't just use "because" to link two entirely unrelated thoughts, right? Sam tries to get Sharon to shut up by mumbling "Susan Boyle's amazing." Hee. Sharon tells her that it was beautifully controlled and that she had "some lovely, tender moments in there". And then she screams "AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENED WITH NICKY!" Suddenly I'm remembering why I always hated Sharon the first time around: because Live Show Sharon is just the worst. <i>[Told you this would happen - Rad]</i><br />
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Dermot arrives far too late as usual, and asks Sam - following on from Nicole's comments - if it's been a deliberate move to sing different styles of songs during the competition. Derm, there's sort of an expectation of that built into the format. Sam says that she doesn't want to be a one-trick pony, she wants to show everybody that she can do everything. She then whips out some batons, sets alight to them and starts juggling with one hand, while hoovering the floor with the other, performing the tap routine from the middle of 'The Time Warp' and reciting the whole of <i>Great Expectations</i>. In Portugese. Sam Bailey, everybody!<br />
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After an ad break, we return and Dermot delivers a long and slightly uncomfortable intro for Gary and the groups, and since Gary's apparently not allowed to speak tonight, Dermot confirms that Dalston Kingsland are up first and we go straight into the VT. Dalston talk about how they're living every guy's dream life right now, because they were also at the England game last week (#LADZONTOUR) and now Ellie Goulding knows who they are. In a backstage shot from last week, Ellie tells them that she thinks they are exciting and different and she likes their hair. You are dead to me, Goulding. Dead. Connor declares that he thinks they're in there, because obviously any positive feedback from a woman is a clear declaration of sexual interest (#LADZ). Gary asks the boys who's in love, and who's had their heart broken. You know, aside from the girlfriends they're <a href="http://metro.co.uk/2013/10/19/x-factors-kingsland-road-keeping-girlfriends-quiet-to-win-votes-4152284/">currently hiding in cupboards</a>. ("Girlfriends".) Matt says there "isn't really a ladies' man in the group" and Thompson says that if you go up to a girl and tell her you're in a boyband, it just doesn't work. Yeah, that's why Harry Styles became a monk. Gary says that "twenty years ago, it used to work great for me!" (#LADZONTOURINTHEMIDNINETIES) This week, Dalston are singing 'Marry You' by Bruno Mars, and they're very excited because they get to dance with hot girls. Hot girls who seem entirely uninterested in them. What sensible hot girls. Thompson hopes they'll be more successful as performers than they were with the dancers. (Spoiler: LOL WHOOPS.)<br />
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They're attempting to sing the whole thing in harmony, with fairly questionable results. Also, Josh seems to have raided Jesy BixMix's Ugly Trousers Cupboard once again, and Thompson is dressed as the deputy head from <i>Waterloo Road</i>. They've even got the same hair and everything.<i> [THAT'S who he reminds me of. It's been bugging me for ages - Rad] </i>They run into the audience, where The Girls all scream for them as directed, and they're joined by the aforementioned Hot Girls, who are wearing wedding dresses with baseball caps. Ugh, hipsters.<br />
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Nicole tells them that they did a good job, and she knows "the ladies were loving you so much". She thought they sounded good "as a choral group", and asks Gary why nobody was doing lead vocals. Gary snorts that there are ELEVEN lead vocals in the competition this week and the boys wanted to sing together. Gary Barlow Can't Count Alert: there are only eleven acts in total. Remove Dalston Kingsland, that makes ten. Remove Missed Dynamics, whom he must already know aren't competing this week, and I make that nine at the absolute most. Meanwhile, Drunk Granny Sharon screeches "NICKY WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH MA BABY?!" Foetal alcohol poisoning? Just a guess. Nicole says she's just being honest. Louis tells them they were good last week but great this week, and he loves the staging. He says that he and Gary know more about boybands than anyone else on the panel, and he thinks they've got something special. Drunk Granny Sharon howls "<i>HE</i> knows more about boybands than <i>I</i> do!", just in case there were a few people in a cave in Papua New Guinea who hadn't quite thought to make a LOLGAY joke yet. She says that every time she sees them perform, they make her feel happy, and it was a great song choice. Gary bores on about their work ethic. Neaux1curr.<br />
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Dermot decides he wants to pick things up with "Scherzy-Grumpypants" again, and asks her what she's hoping to see more of. Nicole says she wants Matt to realise what an amazing lead vocalist he is, and then Dalston will be "going places". Dermot reminds us that Matt didn't have much luck with the ladies (#MINTLADZBANTER) and asks if it went better in the performance, and Matt says he thinks so, because in rehearsals he elbowed one of them. Smooth. Dalston Kingsland exit, getting those hideous paisley trousers off my screen not a moment too soon. <i>[I went to the actual Kingsland Road for the first time this week. Their whole image now makes more sense to me - Rad]</i><br />
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Over to Louis and the boys next, with Nicholas going first. Somebody has dressed Nicholas up in a tie with hearts on it, because I think they are actually trying to turn him into Eoin McLove. Louis tells Nicholas that he's singing 'She's The One' by Robbie Williams this week, and Nicholas says that it's hard to sing about being in love when you've never been in love. It really isn't, though. Also, he's NEARLY SEVENTEEN. Who gets to seventeen without ever experiencing even a brief flush of love? What the hell was he doing with his teenage years? Louis tells Nicholas he needs to connect with the lyrics, and Nicholas says he'll just think about his mum and his family. Louis is all "Jesus Christ, it's not about your bloody mother you weirdo, JUST THINK OF A NICE GIRL AND SING IT TO HER." As desperation sets in, Louis decides that Nicholas has a crush on Nicole and sends Nicole in for Nicholas's rehearsals to stand there wearing a white vest and look coy. Nicole purrs that "Louis told me you were struggling a little and I wanted to help you out", and for a second there I feared they might have actually asked her to deflower him. Anyway, it seems to work: Nicholas says he's going to think about Nicole when he sings it.<br />
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Nicholas performs the song with serious echo FX on his vocals and surrounded by a group of backing dancers who just parade around at a leaden pace looking stony-faced. Maybe they were meant to be the zombies for Halloween week and they arrived a week early due to an administrative error? Anyway, Nicholas's performance is fine - he's a little sharp in places, and it's kind of dull, but I dare say it played very well in his target demographic of mums, grandmothers and the under-eights. A blonde dancer with bright red lipstick slides up to him at the end and puts her hand on his shoulder. You'll understand why I'm mentioning that in a minute.<br />
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Nicole has a "my boy's all grown up!" look on her face. Sharon says he handled that song superbly, "BUT WHO ON EARTH WAS THAT PIECE OF WHATEVER STOOD NEXT TO YOU? THAT PAEDIOPHILE!" (That's not a typo, she really did say "paediophile".) For the love of god, Sharon, he is SIXTEEN, not six. Also, nice slut-shaming there. Sharon wants to know why Louis allowed that and screeches "WHERE'S NICHOLAS'S MOTHER?" This is making me very uncomfortable. It's almost like she actually wants to stunt his development. Go and be weird with your own kids, Sharon. At least they're used to it. Gary tells Nicholas that he has a beautiful voice and it was a great song choice, but he wasn't sure about "the walking dead" because he thinks Nicholas doesn't need that - he should just stand there with one light on him and sing. Gary Barlow: making great television since two thousand and NEVER. Nicole makes the "heart" gesture over her chest and says that he's a natural, that he was understated and easy on the eyes and ears. Louis tells Nicholas has likeability and calls him "my baby Bublé". Dryheave.<br />
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Dermot asks Nicholas how he feels about all this female attention and Nicholas is all "yeah, s'fine". Dermot puts him in a headlock and sends him off without reading his voting number.<br />
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No ad break, we're straight over to Nicole and the girls, and Abi's up next. Abi recalls the terror that she felt last week and how Nicole had to give her a little pep talk to get her through it. Abi says that she wants to conquer her nerves this week, so Nicole suggests they hang out together and learn to feel comfortable around each other. So they go bowling, obviously. Abi says that it was hard to play it cool "because she's a huge massive superstar", but she hopes now she can feel at ease out there.<br />
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Abi is singing a slowed-down, acoustic, John Lewis-ified version of 'Can't Get You Out Of My Head' (of course) surrounded by dancers in pink mackintoshes carrying pink umbrellas. She can't support her voice in the higher notes at all, the whole performances is overly mannered, and she looks about as comfortable moving around as Rebecca Ferguson used to. It's not a good night for Abi, let's put it that way.<br />
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Louis tells her that he liked her doing Bon Jovi last week, but not so much with this: "I think I prefer you behind the piano, doing the singer-songwriter stuff." You know, with songs she didn't actually write. He says he doesn't think she was comfortable, and it didn't really work for him. Sharon disagrees - she thinks it was a big risk for Abi because she had to move and she handled it well, but she does need more confidence. And then she starts talking about Abi's sexy feet. Oh Sharon. It was going so well. Gary says it was a bit sleep-inducing for him (he's a fine one to talk), and while he liked what the dancers were doing, he didn't feel the song was a good fit for Abi. Nicole says that she much preferred Abi's version to the original, "and Lou-Lou has gone loony". She thinks Abi showed another side of herself tonight, and that she "look[s] like a hot tamale tonight". Possibly <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hot_Tamales">literally</a>, in that red outfit.<br />
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Dermot wants to know this: surely if Abi were to sit behind the piano every week, then that would be wrong as well? Abi says that she's taking the judges' comments on board but she wanted to show that she could do something different, because they've told her before that she hasn't been diverse enough. Be careful what you wish for, in other words. Dermot says "it's good to see you walking!", as though she's been in a car crash or something.<br />
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Shelley's up next, but first some ads. I am quite excited about <i>Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2</i> because the original was super-cute. Also, I deeply fear anyone who was involved with dancedancebaby.co.uk in any way.<br />
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When we return, Dermot's in the audience next to James Arthur, who blows kisses to the crowd like an arsehole. He says everyone's been great so far, and he's a big fan of Kingsland. Category-wise though, he favours the girls. How illuminating. Dermot informs (/warns) us that James will be performing live on the show in a few weeks.<br />
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Next up and hoping for a recovery, it's Shelley. Shelley tells us that being in the bottom last week was hideous (BUT THAT REWATCHING IT ON A PRODUCT-PLACEMENT TABLET REALLY HELPS ME TO EASE THE PAIN!) and she literally wanted to burst into tears. She's grateful to have been saved, and she wonders if people just need to get to know her better. Sharon says that Shelley's shown everyone her voice, now she needs to show off her sassy side. Yes, that's exactly what the world needed. Shelley announces that this week she's singing 'Single Ladies' by Beyoncé: "this one's perfect for me, because I am a single lady". Egad. She says that she always does stupid things around boys, like having lipstick on her teeth or falling over. Basically she's a Miranda without a Stevie or a Gary. Unless her daughter is the Stevie in her life, which is a worrying thought. <i>[As a fellow Miranda without a Stevie or a Gary - or a joke shop, for that matter, I now realise why I like Shelley. Although no way is she only a year older than me - Rad]</i><br />
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Shelley starts the performance suspended in a hoop above the stage singing a slowed-down jazzy version of the song before actually doing it properly. She does a dramatically scaled-down version of the dance routine and sings the whole thing in the club style and stomping around the stage. It's very camp and silly and sort of fun, but I almost wish she'd just commit to being a comedy act and have done with it. I think we'd all be a lot happier that way. The song finishes, and Shelley pouts and taps her ring finger pointedly.<br />
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Gary's cackling to himself, and then realises he's supposed to speak: "Oh god, am I first?" He congratulates Shelley on her "22nd birthday" and says that she proved last weekend that she's a good singer, but he's not sure he would've chosen this one for her. Nicole says that she loves Shelley's energy, but she thought it was a little "sha-weird" and she doesn't know if she "lurved" this song for Shelley and the ballad-esque intro was a "sha-no-no". I think Shanicole's shaveering into shauncontrollable shaself-parody at this point. She gives her credit for singing and dancing, though. Louis says he's glad he saved Shelley last week and he can see her having a great future on the stage in <i>Priscilla</i> or <i>Hairspray</i>. Oh, Louis. Those parts you're thinking of? They're played BY MEN. Sorry to break it to you. I'll understand if you want to go and have a little quiet think to yourself about what this means. He wants her to stay around, because she's fun. Sharon also wishes Shelley a happy birthday and says that she's been sick all week, but she still managed to perform tonight, so she hopes people will vote for Shelley.<br />
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Dermot comes out with a little cupcake with a candle in it (what, has the budget been sliced? Bloody cheapskates) and Shelley stage-winks that she knows what she's going to wish for. She says that she felt "more Shelley" this week and she was happy she got to dance with those gorgeous men. <br />
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Time for a little bit of DRAMA now: Dermot confirms what everyone on Twitter knew an hour or so ago: just before they went on air, SeSe from Missed Dynamics was taken ill and medics advised that she wasn't well enough to perform. Since SeSe was doing lead vocals and the other two "didn't have enough time to learn it", the group as a whole has been given a bye to next week. When they'll presumably be getting a "bye" of a different sort. The funniest part of all this is one solitary person in the audience giving a gut-wrenching, heartfelt "AWWWWWWWW!" at the idea of Missed Dynamics not performing, and everyone else in the room not giving one solitary shit. Anyway, let's look at what happened: around 5:32pm, SeSe collapsed and was seen to be the medical team, and wheeled into an ambulance. That's it. Gary says that everyone's devastated, but since SeSe is nearly six months pregnant, they couldn't afford to take any risks. He says that the best place she can be right now is in hospital, and they believe everything's fine, but she won't be performing this weekend.<br />
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Caroline's backstage with The Other Two, who confess to being "extremely disappointed" because they've worked so hard this week, but SeSe's health comes first, and they're glad they at least get to come back next week. Caroline asks why they couldn't just go on without her, and Jeanette says that all three of them had lead verses this week, and an hour wasn't enough time for either of them to learn SeSe's part. To be honest I'm surprised Melanie McCabe isn't lurking in the background somewhere screaming "I'LL DO IT! I CAN LEARN IT IN 20 MINUTES!" (Apparently they were supposed to be singing 'Dreams' by Gabrielle, and frankly anyone who doesn't already know that song inside out has no business being a pop star in the first place.)<br />
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After another ad break, it's time for an ab break (see what I did there?): it's Sam Callahan. He was a bit upset with some of the comments he got about his voice last week from Gary and Nicole, but Louis tells him he's got great stage presence and "something special". Sam goes for some extra vocal lessons during the week, and we get a little montage to show us how hard Sam's been working all week. Although I notice that his workload was never so intense that he didn't have time to do his hair in the morning.<br />
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Sam's on a stool, on a podium, singing 'I Won't Give Up' by Jason Mraz. It sounds like every other performance of this song that you've ever heard, except croakier, but he looks pretty doing it, and I suspect that's what matters the most.<br />
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Sharon tells him that he did really well, so he needn't look so terrified. Gary is pleased that Sam decided to take a challenge this week, although he thinks that the first half of the song was too low for him. He tells him well done for taking a risk, and declares it a massive improvement on last week. Nicole agrees, and says that the people who last in the competition are the ones who are brave and work hard. Louis says that Sam's proved why he belongs in the competition, because he's hard-working and a dream to work with, "and that's what it's all about, work ethics". Yeah, that's why it's called <i>The Work Ethic Factor</i>.<br />
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Dermot arrives with the swinging backhander of an announcement that he'd expected to have to come on and defend Sam from the judges' assaults. Sam says that he's really happy with that feedback. <br />
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Next, it's time for Tamera. Perhaps unsurprisingly, considering she got exceptionally good responses from the judges and viewers alike, she had a great time last week. She says that dancing for the crowd has been her dream ever since she can remember. After the show, she went to hug her grandma, who's the minister for the local church, which is where she started out singing as a kid. Nicole and Tamera talk about how they're from similar backgrounds, both being born to relatively young mothers and getting a lot of help from their grandparents. Tamera goes off to the church to see her grandma again, and her gran says she always knew Tamera had something special. Tamera gives her gran a sneak preview of this week's performance, and her gran gets all misty-eyed. Fair play to Tamera, this was an exemplary deployment of The Nan Card.<br />
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Tamera sings 'Beneath Your Beautiful' by Labrinth and Emeli Sandé, which is an inherently evil song because it uses "your" instead of "you're". FUCK YOU, LABRINTH. AND YOU, SUNDAY, YOU'RE NO BETTER <i>[OH. I always assumed they meant it in the sense of 'Beneath Your Beautiful Brown Eyes, so it was Beneath Your Beautiful... - Rad] </i>. If I can suppress the bile in my throat long enough to look past that, it's another impressive performance from Tamera - she gurgles a few of the notes, but she really does sound good on this one, and she's got great control of the whole thing.<br />
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Louis tells her that every time he sees her, he thinks "Whitney, Rihanna, Leona Lewis". Wow, I'm glad she's such a unique presence! He tells her to work hard and keep doing what Nicole tells her to do. Sharon agrees with that last part, "because she always gets it right". That's not what you've been saying for the rest of the evening, lady. She thinks Tamera was full of confidence and looks fantastic. Gary says that tonight the public are finally going to see what the judges have been seeing all along - that she's a superstar. He thinks that the performance reminded him of what they see on a Sunday night - i.e. the internationally-famous performers who come on to plug their new singles, not the group sings. Nicole tells Tamera the performance was "bellissimo", and she loved how controlled it all was.<br />
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Dermot tells Tamera that it must have been really nice to just stand there for the whole performance and not have to move at all. I know that these post-performance interviews have never been exactly <i>Newsnight</i>, but this may be a new low. Tamera's nan is in the audience (of course) and Tamera doesn't really have much to say for herself, so she's off.<br />
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After the JLSes flog the competition and the Argos aliens continue to be a thing that we all have to endure, we're back and Dermot's in the audience with the friends and family, specifically Abi Alton's dad, who enjoys not having to be a roadie for her any more. There's also Sam Bailey's football widow husband Craig, and Cat-Fancier Colin from <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/return-of-cack.html">the auditions</a>, and I'd prefer not to relive that specific part of this series, so let's move right along...<br />
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...to the Hair Apparent, Luke Friend. The theme of Luke's VT is that this is his first time living away from home (there's one of these every year, isn't there?) and his sitcom-hilarious mum is finding it difficult to cut the apron strings, so she calls him every 30 seconds to remind him to wash behind his ears and to eat his vegetables and to breathe in and out and to stop scratching there because we've got company. She even sends him a care package of some pyjamas, so he doesn't get cold at night. And presumably so he doesn't end up with accidental noodpix on the internet. <br />
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The stage is flooded with dry ice and three boats: two containing guitarists and one containing Luke, who is singing 'Let Her Go' by Passenger. The low notes seem to be slightly out of his range and the choruses tend to sound a bit bowel-movementy as a result. Still, at least he manages to get up and out of his boat for the key change, and he doesn't even fall in the water! Now there's a multi-skilled performer.<br />
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Sharon tells him that she has "an awful soft spot for you". I always suspected that Sharon's soft spot was pretty awful, but it's nice to have confirmation. She adds that Luke is "quite fabulous", but she doesn't understand why the boats are there. "Because he's sailing through to next week!" says Louis, triumphantly. Oh, Louis. They're ROWING BOATS. Nice try, though. Gary tells Luke that he loves Luke's voice and his quirkiness, but he doesn't really understand the whole boat thing. However, he feels that Luke lacked edge tonight, and he wants him to regain that for next year. That said, he loved the song choice: "best song of this year, that song is". Christ, Gary, that wouldn't even be the best song of this year if no other songs had been released. Nicole disagreed: she felt the edge, she felt "some balls creeping up, a little bit of hair on them balls". That's FAR too much information. But she loved what he did with it, and the fact that he did it in a boat. Louis likes that Luke didn't copy the original, and the fact that he's cool.<br />
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Dermot arrives all creasefaced over the fact that "in seven years of this show, he has never been happier with himself than when he made that 'sailing through to next week' line." I like that Dermot isn't attempting to claim ownership of The Kate Thornton Years, at least. Luke says that he intends to do everything his own way and "quirk it up a bit", because there's no point in just doing a straight cover. I didn't even really notice that much difference, to be honest.<br />
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Dermot goes over to the interaction wall to find out how the audience has responded to the question of which judge has given the best critique tonight. Despite Dermot's fervent campaigning for Louis, Louis is actually last with 4%, just ahead of Sharon who has 8% (TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF SHARON OSBOURNE!), while Nicole is in second place with 38%, and Gary is in the lead with 50%, which I think tells you everything you need to know about the sort of people who participate in these polls. Then Dermot spins the "twheel" (or is it a "tuille", like those fancy chocolate things?), which seems a bit pointless since every single tweet is the same one from Tracey Thorn ("<i>The</i> Tracey Thorn?" wonders Dermot, who clearly doesn't spend enough time on Twitter if he doesn't know the answer to that) asking if there's any words that Nicole can't add "sha" to the front of. "Sha-no," replies Nicole. Oh, Nicole.<br />
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The last of the groups next: Rough Copy. They were very happy with how everything went last week, especially the great feedback they had from Nicole. (Sidebar: it didn't take me long at all to find articles making it clear which members of Dalston Kingsland and Missed Dynamics were which, but I've tried and failed to do the same with Rough Copy. HashtagEverydayRacism?) Kaz talks about his son, who is three, and the responsibility of having someone looking to you for guidance at all times, and how that love flows through Rough Copy. I'm not entirely sure I follow that, but sure, why not? Kaz's son comes to visit them in rehearsal and everyone goes gaga over him, and as a result feels energised for the live show. It says here.<br />
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Unfortunately, that doesn't translate to their performance of 'I Want It That Way', which is Rough Copy in every sense of the phrase. They're trying to harmonise throughout and very few of the harmonies actually land, except when the backing track kicks in to drown them out, which sort of defeats the point. Still, Sterling is wearing an awesome leather skirt over his trousers like he's Katy Hill: Warrior Princess, so I'm just going to focus on that.<br />
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Nicole is impressed that they took a Backstreet Boys song and made it into a Boyz II Men song. Again, I feel like constantly comparing the contestants to other acts is not the best way to convince us that they're unique and special. She warns them not to let the dancing detract from the singing. Louis calls it a "faultless performance", and thinks there's a place in the charts for them. Sharon calls them "very slick" and commends them on the effortlessness of their performances. Gary says that everywhere he's been this week, everyone's been asking him about Rough Copy. I imagine the upcoming week will run much the same way, although the questions will be more along the lines of "what the fuck was that mess, Barlow?" Gary also says that he'll be making a little shopping list based on their outfits from this week, including the leather skirt. Hands off, Barlow, I saw it first.<br />
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Sterling thanks the judges for the feedback, particularly Nicole, and says that they want to go away and work on their feedback. Dermot asks if their weakness is a tendency to get overexcited, and Sterling says that that's entirely possible, but they're always learning. Joey says that things don't always go to plan, but it's all about learning from those situations. Dermot asks Kaz about his son, and Kaz starts chanting his son's name, which sounds like "Ceero", but I could be wrong.<br />
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Time to waste a bit more time backstage with Caroline - this time she's with Shelley (Shelley gets a lot of backstage time, doesn't she?) wishing her a happy birthday and asking if she agrees with the judges that she chose the wrong song. Shelley doesn't think so, because she IS a single lady. Caroline Flack Doesn't Read Her Notes then oldnames Dalston Kingsland, and asks them about Nicole saying they need to loosen up a bit. Matt suggests they all take up yoga. Well, they've already got the trousers for it. Caroline does a quick "Luke, your mum's on the phone LOLZ" joke and then it's time for an ad break. Well, that was edifying.<br />
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When we return, Dermot gives us a quick SeSe update, informing us that she's doing well and resting at home. Hopefully she's catching up on <i>Strictly</i> on Sky+. Time for our final act: Hannah. She will be singing 'Beautiful' by Christina Aguilera, and the lyrics REALLY speak to her because she thinks she's the biggest girl in her category and doesn't like looking at herself in pictures. So Nicole takes her shopping and calls her beautiful repeatedly and HOORAY HANNAH'S SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES ARE FIXED FOREVER. Or something.<br />
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Hannah stands with her back to a mirror for duplication purposes and delivers a faintly lacklustre performance. (That said, if we had to have an EMPOWERMENT ANTHEM FOR YOUNG GIRLS, I'm glad we didn't end up with bloody 'Firework' or fucking 'Roar' or any other of Katy Perry's increasingly vapid attempts to become the champion of the disenfranchised.) As the song goes on, she gets the full (offstage) choir backing and a projection of mirror shards behind her to the point where I start to wonder if this is an unexpected <i>Primeval</i> crossover and she's about to get trampled by a diplodocus. She bellows a bit more, and then it's over.<br />
<br />
Louis tells Hannah that he can't believe she's only sixteen. Someone, presumably Nicole, yells "SEVENTEEN!" Hee. Sharon tells Hannah that she is beautiful inside and out, and that she only wants to see her happy from now on: "nixay on the tears!" Remind me not to buy <i>Sharon Osbourne's Guide To Pig Latin</i>. Gary says that Hannah is at her best when she's singing for her life, adding that the intonation she sings with is the sort of thing that can't be taught: "when you bend both knees and go for it, I really love it." MOVING SWIFTLY ON. Nicole says "Hashtag Facegoosebumps". No, I don't even know what she's on about.<br />
<br />
Dermot arrives and falls over his attempt to say "facegoosebumps" about three times, and Hannah has a little happy-cry to herself and cackles ferociously. She has such a dirty laugh. I LOVE IT. She says that she was singing that for everyone who feels that they're not good enough. Yeah, I think I got that. Thanks, Hannah.<br />
<br />
The lines open for the Flash Vote (they should have a Slash Vote, where we get to pick two contestants of the same gender to make out. That would be fun), and Dermot reminds us that Missed Dynamics are not eligible for either of this weekend's votes. Dermot reads out the numbers again, and then there's the obligatory recap of the evening's performances: Sam The Screw being surprisingly understated; Dalston Kingsland still needing to sack their stylist; Nicholas finding his very own sexy zombie; Abi being completely outmatched by 'Can't Get You Out Of My Head'; Shelley needing to put a ring on it or, failing that, a lid; Sam being close enough to the tune as far as anyone cares; Tamera singing THE EVIL SONG OF TERRIBLE GRAMMAR; Luke rowing his way into the next round, apparently; a Rough Copy that needs to be replaced with a final draft as soon as possible; Hannah saving the show a fortune by reusing old ITV visual effects.<br />
<br />
There are just under three minutes left in the Flash Vote countdown, so Dermot invites the finalists back on to the stage. Sam The Screw is "feeling all right". Thanks Sam! Shelley points out that she is a diverse artist: "I done a slow one last time, I did a fast one this time." Sam C is really pleased that he got to show another side of himself this week, "and I'm not that orange this week". Heh. Nicholas has nothing to say other than he is happy to be here. Luke was very pleased with his comments and vows to take Gary's advice on board. Dermot confuses Abi by telling her that Gary thought her performance was "brave", which makes it sound like he was a lot more complimentary than he actually was, so Abi just mumbles something about hoping the public will see that, because what else can you do in that position? Hannah feels blessed to be here, REPRESENTING, and also not crying. Tamera feels amazing. Dalston are having a lot of fun and don't want it to end. Rough Copy are feeling good, and happy to be here. It is a bad idea to have the countdown to the lines closing on a giant screen behind the acts when all this is going on, because the audience's cries of "THREE! TWO! ONE! WOOOOOO!" kind of drown out most of Rough Copy's comments. So the lines are now frozen and someone's fate is already sealed. We will find out after that all-important break.<br />
<br />
Ads. Those harmonising TalkTalk mascots are already a more convincing group than Missed Dynamics.<br />
<br />
It's time to announce the result, so Dermot welcomes the judges back to the room. Sharon declares that she is feeling confident tonight. Louis says that his boys did their best, but he's nervous - he doesn't want any of them in the bottom two. Nicole is very proud of all of her girls, and she hopes she won't see any of them in the sing-off. Gary says that everybody's vulnerable every week, and sometimes the best acts are vulnerable because people think they're safe and don't vote for them. I'm fairly certain that only happens to acts that people aren't really all that fussed about to begin with, but whatever it takes to get you through the night, Bazza.<br />
<br />
So here we go with the Flash Vote result. The first category in which all the acts are safe is the Boys. The second safe category is the Girls, and their celebration leads to <a href="http://cdn2.mocksession.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/HANNAH-X-FACTOR-HAIR.gif">possibly the greatest moment in the history of television</a>. And the final category where all the acts are safe is...the Over-25s, much to the surprise of everyone in it. Shelley looks like she's on the verge of demanding a recount. So that means one of Gary's groups got the fewest votes, and that group is...Dalston Kingsland. Hooray! Dermot asks them how they feel, and Jay says that they did their best. Thompson says that they just have to prepare for tomorrow now. Dermot asks Gary how he's feeling, and he says he's gutted for them, but says that James Arthur was in the bottom two and still managed to win. Yes, but he finished fifth out of six, not tenth out of ten. Bit of a difference there. <i>[Also: Sharon was totally ungracious when her acts got saved, lording it all over the stage and then obscuring the camera. I get that she's pleased Funsponge might wrestle the title of worstest mentor ever from her, but still... - Rad]</i><br />
<br />
So that's it for now: the lines reopen to determine who will join Dalston in the bottom two. We'll all be back for the results show with Katy Perry and Robin Thicke, two of the greatest menaces society has ever faced. Although on the bright side, if the entire studio disappeared down a sinkhole in a tragic accident during the show, it would at least mean we got rid of both of them in one fell swoop. So fingers crossed, eh?Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-66161809070776367452013-10-15T23:15:00.000+01:002013-10-19T21:11:20.667+01:00Cher Lorna-cy<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Week one results. Sunday October 13 2013</b><br />
<br />
Last night! Gary
Barlow exacted his revenge on the 80s by forcing all life out of its
music. Shelley was a traitor to this
borification process and ended up losing the FLASH! VOTE! So she will be in the sing off tonight! Also!
The judges were on autopilot! The
show embraced Twitter about as successfully as The Voice does in its ‘V’
Room! And for some reason, Dermot’s
groin was deemed to be hilarious Saturday night light entertainment!<o:p></o:p></div>
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It’s! Time! To!
Face! A Load of Tedious Filler!
(Also: I’m watching this on ITV player unfortunately and for some reason, you
have to be over 18 to watch this episode.
I can only assume it is because of the Dermot’s groin jokes.)<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Cue Giant X! After
the ignominy of the past few weeks, it’s back to occupying a fuller slot. As it should, being the star of the show.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Dermot arrives, boxy jacket, thankfully much less groin
emphasis and tells us that tonight we’ll hear from Ellie Goulding and The
Actual Cher, and the sing-off has been replaced by a full-on fight. I paraphrase a bit, but that was the
gist. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The judges arrive, Sharon still in Halloween garb, Nicole
with a thigh slash up her dress, Louis in a regular suit, Gary in a
not-quite-tweedy but along those lines suit.
Dermot tells us we can’t vote for Shelley now because we didn’t bother
in the eight minutes phone lines were open last night, but we can still vote
for the others if we’re really arsed, including via the app so you can BE THE
FIFTH JUDGE O YAY.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But first! We must
have a group song! And if you had a bet
on which obviously obvious song they’d choose, you can now cash in, because it’s
obviously a slowed-down (a bit) ‘Get Lucky’.
Of note: Shelley werking it like a diva, the boy blands having their vocals
autotuned, Miss FrankEnBixMix sounding like a mess, the girls shouting, that
one in Rough Copy who is an edgier Aston making eyes to the camera, some
terrible, not-choreographed much dancing, ending in a hot fried mess and then
Dermot doing a lunge for some reason. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Dermot then reads out the puff pieces Sharon had written
into her contract by saying she’s the star of the show. Which is quite LOLarious when (SPOILERS) you
consider what’s coming. We then get a
recap of last night, but I have no desire to relive that bilge again.<o:p></o:p></div>
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First guest time – Ellie Goulding! None of the pre-show blurb mentions that she
is (or was at one point anyway) BFFs with Diana Vickers, for she is one of the
many ex-contestants of whom we must never speak. The set is all trees and orbs and blues and
purples and her outfit is a lot of thigh.
I mean A LOT. The Sherz’s outfit
feels positively Victorian in comparison.
Nothing wrong with that, but she looks quite uncomfortable whenever she
tries to move in it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Dermot says that Ellie Goulding is on tour and then makes her
tell him who her favourite is. She says she
likes them all but eventually says Kingsland Road. I don’t know what the right answer is, but
that can’t be it.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
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Ads! You can download
the contestants’ songs on iTunes. I have
no idea why you would want to though.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
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Dermot tells us that the voting lines are closed and goes to
speak to the judges. He says that there
is no FUCKING DEADLOCK this year because if the judges are tied, the loser of
the flash vote goes home. There seems to
be a bit less tension inherent in this but we’ll see. Dermot asks who the judges’ favourites were
other than their own acts. Louis: Rough
Copy; Sharon: Kingsland (not Road); Gary: Sam Bailey; Nicole: Sam and Nicholas. This YEAR OF THE GIRL isn’t very on-message
(Sam aside). Maybe they’re hedging their
bets with the groups – and given the groups they’ve put through, GOOD LUCK WITH
THAT.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Next up, THE ACTUAL CHER, who has had 6 decades in music,
sold 100 million albums worldwide and who myself and my friend Becky do awesome
impressions of (only singing ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’ though). Her new single isn’t really up there with her
best works, but it’s serviceable enough and it’s the ACTUAL CHER, so that makes
it awesome regardless. [<i>I can't believe we didn't get an actual Cher Week. This fucking show. - Steve</i>] Her plastic
surgeon is pretty good, by the way – she looks as she did 20 or 30 years ago
(which even then was ‘enhanced’) but without the strange effects surgery gives
some people. No names, Mrs O. She even gets the winner’s glitter falling
upon her at the end – I like to think
that’s a comment by the stage designers on the quality of contestants and in a
couple of months time, Wee Nic/Rough Copy/Sam/Hannah/Whoever will just kind of
stand there looking a bit awkward.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads and competition time!
If it ain’t Last Christmas, JLS, I ain’t bovvered.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Dermot reminds us that votes are closed and Shelley is in
the sing-off and now it’s time to see who else is, as Sharon and Funsponge
continue their fight to be the worstest ever mentor ever.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Safe are: Kingsland; Abi; Sam C; Sam B;
MissFrankEnDynaBixMix (who look completely shocked as well they might); Hannah
(who cries, obviously); Wee Nic (wearing Tartan for an early play on the
Scottish vote); Tamera; Rough Copy and Luke, meaning Lorna is in the sing-off
and Sharon has the two acts with the lowest vote. So basically a standard year for Mrs O then. Dermot reminds us about the sing-off.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads. Boo to ITVPlayer
getting all snidey about browsers with ad blockers on. <o:p></o:p></div>
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We’re reminded yet again how the sing-off works because that’s
how little intelligence this show believes we have. Shelley is first, singing ‘One Night Only’
and with clothing, hair and make-up to make her look a good 15 years older than
she is (/claims to be). Sadly, it stays
as the slow version all the way through as it would have been good to have the
beat kick in. However, she does a very
decent fist of it – it’s nothing you haven’t heard before and there are places
of volume=good but I do love her quite a bit and think she acquitted herself
very well, especially given she knew she had the fewest votes. She gives Lorna a teary hug.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Lorna (also made to look a good 10-15 years older than she
is. This is the problem with the ‘overs’
– they’re often not much older than the boys or girls yet have to be made out
to be ancient in comparison) sings ‘There You’ll Be’. Hilariously, Rylan pointed out on Twitter
that these are the exact same songs he and Carolynne did in the <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/cry-not-especially-beloved-country.html">first sing-off last year</a>. And people think this show is
predictable. This is not especially good
for a sing-off – I didn’t notice it so much on first viewing but she goes out
of tune for an awful lot of it – she has a decent vocal tone and clear power but there
are a lot of issues here. Shelley
basically walked this one.<o:p></o:p></div>
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For some ridiculous reason, Dermot goes to Sharon first, who
abstains as she always does (which gets a whoop from the baying audience). Louis says it was an amazing sing-off but he’s
sending Lorna home (at which the audience boo, but let’s face it, they’d boo
whoever he said because the X Factor audience are morons). Gary says it was awesome and if Shelley had
sung like that before she’d not be in the bottom (except for her vote being
split with Sam B’s). He says Lorna had
tuning issues but has an awesome voice so he’s sending Shelley home. Nicole says Lorna has blown her away. Dermot asks for the act she is sending
home. Nicole: Shelley…… there is more
from you to see. Oh, Nicole, a dramatic
fake-out pause already? Tut tut. She’s sending home Lorna.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Her best bits: auditions we either didn’t see or only saw a
bit of, crying, being styled in some uncomfortable ways. Not featured: her alleged love of posing with firearms. Dermot asks Lorna what her favourite bit was –
she says getting to Boot Camp. So…
basically she’s hated everything other than the first audition that we didn’t
see. Good-oh.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Next week! As if it
wasn’t bad enough on <a href="http://strictlycomebitching.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/seven-valley.html">Strictly</a>, we’ve got LOVE WEEK. Oh and Katy Perry and Robin Thicke are
turning up which I’m sure will delight Helen and Steve no end. [<i>I'm going to need a lot of Pepto Bismol. - Steve</i>]<o:p></o:p></div>
Radhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17031764260176803659noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-80438559146452283022013-10-13T00:00:00.002+01:002013-10-19T21:07:37.135+01:00Unacceptable in the 80s<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Live shows: Final 12 – Saturday 12 October 2013</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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This year! Everything
on the show is ‘all change’! They
brought back the audition room!
Yay! But for some bizarre reason
kept the arena auditions which had the sole purpose of serving as some weird
torture for our own Helen who recapped ¾ of them! They had all new boot camp
with added stool material! Then last
weekend it was judges’ houses which was basically the same as it always was!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Tonight! There is a
new shock! twist! Not really, it’s just that flash vote at the end of the night
thing they’ve been going on about. Oh, and it’s also 80s night, which seems
unfair. What did the 80s ever do to this
show to deserve such treatment? Louis
Walsh loves the 80s. Who ever would have
thought?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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It’s! Time! To! Face!
Who will be in the slots of death for twenty minutes against Strictly!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Cue Giant X!
(philosophical conundrum - If Giant X flies on screen when everyone is
watching Strictly, does it still land OK?)<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Dermot enters to ‘Rio’. Suitwatch: a Funsponge-last-year-tribute waistcoat. I’m not paying any attention to the trousers
because THAT’S WHAT THIS SHOW WANTS.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The judges enter, clearly mistaking this for Halloween week,
as Sharon has come as Poison Ivy, Nicole as a slutty Mummy, Louis as a little
Louis Walsh, and Funsponge as that bloke who phones the police because someone,
somewhere, is having a party and FUN MUST BE STOPPED AT ALL COSTS.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The flash vote is introduced with with Queen’s ‘Flash’ –
basically at the end of Saturday whoever has the lowest votes goes into the
sing-off. Not sure whether that will
rend Sunday pointless, but we’ll see.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By the way, Dermot’s dick is apparently a thing – so much
so, that the official X Factor twitter account tried to get it trending, and
all the judges point it and laugh.
Dermot: ‘there’s nothing wrong with my southern hemisphere’. BAN THIS SICK BBC FILTH… oh wait, that was <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVNMe3Jznto">last week</a>.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hannah is first. Her
VT reminds us that she has spent most of her time on this show crying, and the
rest of the time working in Greggs and not wanting to be <a href="http://theapprentbitch.blogspot.co.uk/2010/12/third-nipples-and-key-cogs.html">Hannah the Greggs worker from Leicester (or wherever it is) no more</a>. But now!
X Factor has saved her! She
laughs so much you’d think she was a Natalie Gumede VT! But!
What’s this! X Factor has also
damaged her! Her voice is broken! She has to wear an official show lanyard with
‘I am on voice rest’ around her neck like she is a leper!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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She is wearing a purple jacket, yellow top, bad skirt and bad
hair for her performance of ‘What’s Love Got To Do With It’ although I do like
the backdrop of apartments. Overall
though, it’s a bit mediocre and ploddy, and I do like Hannah, but if her voice
is this shot to buggery (the backing singers take over in a few places) and
she’s got the slot of death then maybe her ‘journey’ isn’t going to be what I
thought it was. [<i>It really doesn't bode well for her voice to be shot to piece this early on. - Steve</i>]<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Louis says she is SIXTEEN YEARS OLD and has a lot of
potential. Sharon says she has a rich,
powerful voice for sixteen and something incomprehensible about titties. Funsponge says she’s raised the bar for the series. Nicole says that’s how to open a live show
(mediocrely, while no-one’s watching).
Dermot says ‘like the judges said, seventeen years old’. Well no, she IS seventeen (I think), but the
judges said she was sixteen, Durrbot. Oh
yeah and some app thing whatever mumble.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Wee Nick who your granny likes is on next. Dermot reminds us we are all OLD because none
of the boys’ category were even born in the 80s because even 1989 was 24 YEARS
AGO. WEEEEEEEEEEP. The VT is all about how he was born in 1996 DAMN
HIS YOUTH and how he ‘hilariously’ thinks Spandau Ballet are called Spandex
Ballet or Spandau Belly. The editors
totally didn’t script that, honest. I’d
watch it, wee Nick, you might have the whole of SCOTLAND voting for you, but
Tony Hadley won Reborn in the USA, so he still has it (the love of a certain
reality-show voting demographic).
Fortunately by the miracle of a HANDY AND FUNCTIONAL Samsung Tab and
some EXCITING SOFTWARE called Skype, he’s able to ring his mum who knows the
song (obviously).<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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He is wearing a James Arthur tribute shirt as he sings
‘True’. The stage is dry-ice festooned
and the dancers are paying tribute to the erection section (why? Why must everything remind me of Anton Du
Beke? LIFE YOU ARE CRUEL). I’m quite surprised Wee Nic and Hannah were
on in the slots of death. Sofabet had
them as their 1 and 2 and I would have thought the same. But myriad are the ways of X, I guess. The performance doesn’t desecrate the song
enough to vex the demographic whose votes he needs so I’m sure he’ll be
fine. BUT HARK! WHAT IS THIS MADNESS? The judging is happening after the ads! ALL NEW X FACTOR! EDGY!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I don’t notice the ads because I’m too busy googling the
history of What’s Love Got to Do With It and finding <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRojYvl6u5o">this</a> which I thought would be super-campmazing but is as boringly turgidly
ballidy as what is to come on this show (whoops, spoilers).<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The judges’ comments are so lazy this week and we’re only on
act two. Basically the feedback is, in
tribute to Ella Henderson, who sadly is no longer SIXTEEN: SIXTEEN SIXTEEN
SIXTEEN. Sharon mishears him as being
‘almost SIXTEEN’ when he says ‘only SIXTEEN’ (and presumably, born in 96,
almost SEVENTEEN). Anyway, for now, he’s
SIXTEEN and YOUNG and all of us from the 80s are OLD and MUMS like him and he
makes everyone MOTHERLY because he is a WEE BOY who is lovable and SIXTEEN and
a little kid who is SIXTEEN and shet.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Durrbot reminds us Gary was famous in the 90s and shows us a
picture of him in the 80s which looks exactly like a portrait of “classic”
comedian Billy Pearce. Wacky!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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We’re reminded that Miss FrankEnDynaBixMix are franken and
that CeeCee/CC/CeCe/SeSe/CiCi/SiSi/that shameless band abandoner is PREGNANT
and we all know how well that worked out for 2Shoes NEVA4GET. Their VT is soundtracked by Bananarama but
sadly they’re not doing a Bananarama song.
Boooo! Their name is not
pronounced ‘Miss Dyna-Mix’ as I imagined, but ‘Missed Dynamics’ which is
somewhat LOLerific.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Their Girls Aloud version of the Pointer Sisters’ ‘Jump’ is
slowed down and lacklustre. The vocals
are awful but the backing music is quite quiet so I wouldn’t be surprised if
they can’t hear it. It’s a fun poppy
classic been slowed down to MOR sludge, which is not what you want, but is
still livelier than most of what follows (SPOILERS). CC has stage presence, the
one of the other two wearing yellow is cute, the other one might as well not
exist. There’s one bit where they’re on
a plinth but instead of jumping off, they’re yanked down by male dancers, which
didn’t look quite so great for CeCe. [<i>They even did all the same ad libs as Girls Aloud. It was the acme of laziness. - Steve</i>]</div>
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Nicole wanted them to have more fun and actually jump. Louis likes them but says they will need to
work harder. Even Funsponge wants them
to have more fun – so if they’re here next week, expect a BALLID. SO MUCH FUN.
Dermot reminds us that they’re a Frankenband as a bus screeches to
attention outside the studio. Yellow
dress one wants to stay. The Other One
is barely in shot.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The overs are next.
Dermot asks how Sharon keeps looking as young as she did in the
80s. Sharon says she has a very good
doctor. Heh.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sam Bailey is next – lest you forget, she is the prison
officer – I wonder if the show is going to use this to its full potential given
that, with Orange is the New Black and Wentworth, prisons are kind of in vogue
at the moment (I know, I know, she works in a men’s prison, but women’s prisons
are hotbeds of lebsbianity and we all know how this show runs a mile at such
things). Because she is a mum, she is
singing that perennial mum favourite, ‘The Power of Love’. Obviously not the Huey Lewis one or the Holly
Johnson one, the Jennifer Rush one. (The
80s guide to titling songs was a bit short, sadly). She is the one who looks the best after the
show makeover, not that that’s saying much.
Her hair looks lovely. <o:p></o:p></div>
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As for the performance, it’s exactly what you expect from an
alpha female over – a touch of Celine, a smattering of Jennifer, a bellow of
Meaty Minge – she’s one of the best singers in this series and this is more
likeable than some of her performances, but it’s hardly original. Gary thought she was off the clock, Nicole is
amazed that she can do that in the first week, Louis thinks she hit every note,
Sharon says she nailed it. Again, I’m
surprised at the order of tonight’s acts – I’d have thought this would be the
kind of thing they would want to end on – if their plan A is Hannah and/or
Tamera, then surely Sam would be plan B – a woman in the year of vagina, and the
first over woman to win, plus the first over in ages to win. So why throw her away mid-show?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Ads. Katie Price’s
face. KATIE PRICE’S FACE.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Time for the much-discussed Caroline Flack appearance. She is backstage interviewing the acts in
what looks like one of those shipping containers they had full of dead
immigrants on The Wire – so now we know what happens to X Factor contestants
once they’ve outlived their usefulness.
Sam makes a joke about her tits.
That is all that happens. This
section is so totally valid and not at all random. [<i>I like to think it's because they're contractually obligated not to leave Caroline unsupervised with the contestants in case she tries to SEDUCE them, so this is how they get around having a camera on her at all times. - Steve</i>]<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Up next, boy Sam! His
VT basically is all about how everyone thinks he’s a bad singer and only got
through because of his looks, but he wants us to know that also, he’s
KERRAZY. He has a tattoo! He once ate a big pizza! So mental!
We also get an insight into the misery of the X Factor house – it may
look like a mansion outside, but inside the bedrooms have cheap-ass bunk beds
in – it’s like one of those tabloid behind the scenes SHOCKERS.<o:p></o:p></div>
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He’s doing ‘Summer of 69’ and one of his dancers looks a bit
like Flavia Cacacae which really disturbs me for a bit, but fortunately it’s
not. The vocals are mediocre – standard worst-boy-of-the-finalists
fare – it’s all a bit dull and nothing yet is making me get excited.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Gary says his vocals were ropey, Nicole agrees but says he
has the eye of the tiger up him, which sounds like a very niche kink. Louis says he works hard unlike him at the
age comparisons – Sam looks like a little Bryan Adams. Because he sang a Bryan Adams song. Everything about this episode is lazier than lazy. Dermot tries to create some excitement
because Sam has lipstick on his cheek from one of the dancers.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
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Eton Road 2 are up next.
They used to live in a flat with beds on the floor and airbeds and now
they’ve made the leap up to a temporary place of residence with bunk beds! So much of a journey!<o:p></o:p></div>
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They’re doing ‘I’m Your Man’ which is the best song choice
of the night, and yet they’ve taken out all the soully bits and yelps and oohs
and it’s the blandest thing ever, with the One Direction memorial backing
vocals already in employment. They’re
all wearing different variations of black and white, one wearing a Choose LIFE
T-shirt in “tribute” (/pissing off) to Wham! mode. Their hair is as ridiculous as ever. A few people in the audience shout
KINGSLAND. Oh, the ‘Road’ thing. The ‘Road’ thing is never going to happen,
except when it’s the mechanism for a double decker with their names on it in
week eight or so.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br />
Nicole calls them ‘Hairland, not Kingsland’. Note: not Hairland Road. Louis says they have the most energy but it’s
not difficult. Sharon says they were
fantastic and the blonde one (Connor?) looks like Leonardo Di Caprio… I would
say he looks more like a junior version of Philip Seymour Hoffman in The Master
if anyone. Gary liked it too. The judges can’t even be bothered to make an
effort in their comments. This episode
is so sluggish. Dermot reminds us that
various acts have to make their ‘debuts’ still (which is both wrong – we’ve
seen them before – and lazy – it’s live show one Dermot, we know how this thing
works after ten series).<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads. All those lovely
80s songs! Done properly! What I wouldn’t give to be out dancing to
those tunes right now. I’d even much
rather be in that apex of awfulness, Reflex.
And that’s even despite the fact that the one in Sheffield burns down
every other month so I’d be taking my life in my hands. But at least I’d hear music that was faster
than 6bpm.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Dermot reminds us we’ve had ten years of this shit AND YET LIKE
FOOLS WE STILL WATCH. He then burbles
something incomprehensible, which I think is about Simon Cowell’s baby or
something.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br />
Shelley is next and actually has a lively VT! Hooray!
She enthuses about the 80s as is right and proper and there’s more life
in her VT than in the rest of the show put together so far.<o:p></o:p></div>
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She’s doing Heart’s ‘Alone’ which even young people know as
that song their mum always does from Karaoke / Singstar / Lips etc. And you just know Shelley is one of those
mums – this is in no way a criticism, as I am one of those mums as well, except
for the slight problem of not having any kids.
And, indeed, it’s very mum-at-karaoke.
But she does get to stand on a big fuck-off raised plinth that looks a
bit like a glittery version of a JCB carriage at the end, and I’m half
expecting her to launch it i<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5l4yTZ2ooQ">n the direction of Waterloo Road</a>. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Funsponge bleats that 'Everyone here is doing a modern twist
on the 80s' – yes, if ‘modern’ means slowing it down to fuck and bleeding the
life out of it. But then that WOULD come
from the king of beige. I can’t imagine
how he coped in the actual 80s with all that pop music and dance music and neon
and goths and e-numbers in everything. I
like to think he locked himself [<i>yeah sure, he "locked himself" - Steve</i>] in a cupboard at school and kept saying to
himself ‘Don’t worry Gary Barlow. One
day neutral colours will be in. One day
people will buy music by the likes of Mickey Bubbles, Susan Boyle and the Military
Wives, and that will be our time. Don’t
touch those weird Discos crisps. Not
only have they got a name that represents all that is evil, they come in a
weird circle shape AND there’s even a salt and vinegar flavour’. Sharon tells him to shut up. Nicole loves her and her Stanna stair lift. Louis thinks it was cheesy but he loved it
and that Shelley had welly. Sharon says
we love cheese and with the lift, the wind, the everything, it was properly
80s. Shelley says you have to throw a
bit of cheese and shoulderpads in for 80s and wiggles her leg about a bit. Dermot says nothing says X Factor like a
random stair lift. Shelley says she was
scared but loves it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Ads! What have the
other members of JLS done to Aston? Have
they eaten him? And when are they
actually splitting up? The mystery
continues.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Abi is next. Her VT
is a lie because it’s all about how she wants to have fun and not work in a
supermarket despite the fact that she makes music exactly designed for
supermarket customers who think Tesco Mary is a bit edgy. But Funsponge will like this because she’s
taken one of the most awesome poprock hair metal classics of all time, ‘Livin
on a Prayer’ and has ballided it for sod all reason except Funsponge thinks
it’s modern or whatever. FUCK YOU X
FACTOR. THE 80S WERE MY FAVOURITE OF ALL
THE DECADES AND YOU’RE JUST MAKING THEM ALL KINDS OF BAD.<o:p></o:p></div>
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She’s wearing a purple shirt with diamonds on. Louis and Sharon like it and Gary says the
audience were quiet, yes, probably out of shock because they wanted to sing
along to Bon Jovi. He says she’s his
kind of artist. Yes Funsponge, she
sucked the life out of that song and made it a turgid ballid, OF COURSE it was
your kind of thing. Nicole says she was
the only artist that ‘made it her own’.
It’s like they’re all deliberately doing this to fill in X Factor bingo
cards, isn’t it?<o:p></o:p></div>
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Next up, it’s Lorna WHO?
Her VT is all about how no-one knows who she is (apart from followers of
ZOMG! Tabloid Scandals!’, even though
that’s entirely the editors’ fault.
She’s going to be doing ‘So Emotional’ which reminds me of playing
drunken karaoke with my friends Katie and Claire and Lisa and Tracey when we
were thirteen when we sang along to that and ‘Sloop John B’, which was a song
none of us knew and so we made up the tune to it but collapsed in fits of
giggles every few seconds because the lyrics are so bloody daft. Anyway, our tuneless desecration of the Beach
Boys was still more deferential than anyone on this show has been (except
possibly Shelley).<o:p></o:p></div>
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Lorna’s performance is all about her topless male dancers,
and her VT shows her being giggly about them.
It’s not a bad performance, at least not by tonight’s standards. And yet again, we’re getting comments after
the ads because apparently this is a new ‘thing’. The only ‘new’ thing about this series that’s
worked so far is the old thing of room auditions. The rest of it I could happily leave. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads! I’m quite
surprised at Lloyds Bank criticising right-wing politics in their advert, given
how their recent branding has seemed quite conservative. I’m not sure if this is a smart move on their
part or one that will alienate their fanbase.
Do old-skool bank brands have fan bases? I mean, I’m glad TSB are back
if only because every time I mention them I have to say <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjbmKL6yssk">‘The bank that likes to Sayyyyyyyyyyy YES’</a> because mentally I’m still in the
80s but it doesn’t mean I’m actually banking with them or anything. Also – I’m wondering if whether your Lloyds
TSB has become a Lloyds or a TSB is one of those measures of social standing
like the newspapers claimed when they ran all those ‘what is your Woolworths
now?’ articles.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Gary says Lorna’s pitch was all over the place at the start
when the song had been ballided but when the beat kicked in she knocked it out
of the park. Nicole says she agrees,
Lorna has to watch her pitch and that she didn’t remember her from before but tonight
she filled the stage. Louis says Sharon
was ogling the dances. She says
‘wouldn’t you?’ Heh. Gary tries to get in on the fun party by
saying Take That’s early videos were a bit like that. Yes, and you had a huge rictus grin the whole
time. Lorna tells Dermot that she’s
always wanted to be here. *Shrug*<o:p></o:p></div>
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Dermot reminds us that now we have a thing called Twitter
which they didn’t have in the 80s and says Sharon has the biggest buzz and Gary
the least but not sure by which measure they are checking this. They then show some of the most inane tweets
ever. Bet they don’t show my tweet
telling the show to fuck off (around the time Abi was performing). Then they have a tweet from David Schneider
talking about Dermot’s package. Why is
the show trying to make this a thing? I
mean, better Dermot’s than Anton Du Beke’s, but still.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Tamera next. She has
a little sister whom she misses and the other girls tell her off for being
messy. Apparently their bedroom has one
double bed and one set of bunk beds. I
would LOVE to see who gets which bed.
Nicole asks Tamera what she thinks the 80s would have been like because
Tamera wasn’t even born for THE MAJORITY OF THE 90s. Just let that sink in, people. She says neon colours and tutus. And 3 million unemployed lest we forget. <i>[Bit p’litical there – Ben Elton]</i>. #so80s<o:p></o:p></div>
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She’s doing a slowed down ‘Ain’t Nobody’, wearing a black
leather jacket with a denim jacket tied around her waist in case it gets a bit
nippy later. In places it’s OK but in
other places it’s ropey as all hell. Her
dancers are waving lots of fences around in what I can only assume is a
slightly strange tribute to the miners’ strike.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
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Louis likes it.
Sharon says she looks exotic and has an exotic name. Really, Sharon? We’re going down that road? Funsponge says she has the X factor. Nicole says she is a ‘forced’ to be reckoned
with and tries to strain out some tears for all those playing XF bingo at
home. Tamera grimaces to Dermot that the
atmosphere is great whilst looking like she wants to die. I know how she feels. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Dermot introduces Luke as the boy whose hair every mum wants
to wash. His VT is all about mumsy women
being obsessed with his hair and someone on the Twitters having a spoof account
for his hair (betcha it’s an X Factor producer because HO HO SO FUNNY). The background music is ‘Walk Like an
Egyptian’. I wish they wouldn’t use all
this awesome music on the VTs because it reminds me how shit tonight is.<o:p></o:p></div>
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He’s doing ‘Every Breath You Take’ (aka the stalker’s
anthem) and his tuning goes way out, I mean, really, really badly. And I actually like the tone of his voice
compared to some of the others – but this is dreadful and he really needs those
backing vocals when they kick in to help him back on track. They’ve also made him look a bit like a tubby
teenage Michael Hutchence crossed with Mick Hucknall’s dress sense, which is
weird.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sharon says it had great performance value and was
entertaining, even though his voice wasn’t the greatest and he has the
‘performance skills of a true… person that should make it through to the end of
this show’. There’s daming with faint
praise and then… Gary moans about his hair needing a wash. Screw you Barlow, I remember that time Take
That went grubby and said they didn’t wash their hair, even if it was really
only Howard and you kept him at a foot’s distance. Nicole loves his raw energy and Louis loves
his hair. Dermot asks if they cut or
keep the hair. Gary snipes ‘it’s up to
him’ in that way your mum does when she’s passive-aggressively telling you to
do what she wants or she’ll gripe at you about it forever.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ads. There are a lot
of ads for fish products during The X Factor.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We’re back with Caroline Flack in the storage container of
doom and it’s very packed in there, and I don’t think there seems to be a
source of air. She interviews Shelley
who says if she gets through next week, she can do a modern song if Gary likes,
but it was 80s week. Rough Copy are
singing in the background, the TRY HARDS.
They’re singing ‘In the Air Tonight’ though, which isn’t going to
impress me if that’s coming up. They
want to ‘kill it’ tonight. Oh, I have no
doubt that they will. THIS SECTION
REMAINS SO VALID and worthy of all those DS headlines about evil Caroline Flack sneaking over onto the main show to steal Durrbot's job.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Rough Copy’s VT reminds us that it has been tough! One of them had to leave because of visa
issues! Then he came back! Now they want to kill music to please
Funsponge! Oh, and they want to be
SPOKESPEOPLE for da yoot because it’s TOUGH out there. These sob stories are so shit, I kind of wish
they’d put Melanie McCabe through just to see how desperate the VTs could
get. Rough Copy then try and act like a
Phil Collins song means something to them.
Oh boys, even Phil Collins doesn’t think a Phil Collins song means
anything to him.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I hate this song anyway, because it’s a turgid pile of old
toss, and they don’t seem to have done much to improve it. Their vocals are better than they have been
though, and they blend OK. Oh, and for
all Funsponge’s bleating that Shelley didn’t revolutionise the song, the only
difference between this version and the original is that three people are
singing it, not one. SO CONTEMPORARY IT
BLEEDS. One of them looks a bit like an
edgier Aston JLS. Their clothes are a
bit ridiculous – one of them appears to have pinched his jacket from Eton Road
2.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Nicole says they might be the best band she’s seen on this show. Anyone got a full house on X Factor bingo
yet? Louis says there’s nothing ‘rough’
about them (DRINK) and loves them, and there’s… altogether now… a gap in the
market for them - one just vacated by
JLS, maybe? Sharon says it was perfect,
especially Konye/Kanye in the middle - I
assume this is his name and she wasn’t comparing him to Kanye West, but who can
tell. Funsponge reminds us that this is
his last year on the show and he’s fighting to the death with Sharon to avoid
being the worst mentor ever. But hooray,
for it being his last year on the show.
Maybe now Brian Friedman can come back from wherever he’s been exiled.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Dermot says the 80s are now over, but the flash vote is now
open! Vote lines are open for less than
ten minutes, then he will tell us which act will be in the sing-off. He doesn’t say what will fill those ten
minutes, which suddenly feel like a huge chasm of time.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Recap time! A load of
old shit, a desecration to the memory of the 80s and your soul weeping at what
a long three months this is going to be!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dermot drags the acts on stage and says the lines are frozen
although that didn’t feel like ten minutes to me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ads! Natwest to me
means those pigs, but not enough that I ever had one! 80s advertising is so firmly lodged in my
brain and yet it had very little effect on my life!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Dermot welcomes us back and says the acts are all
terrified. The judges come onstage to
join them. Sharon is proud of her girls
and hopes the public feels the same way and LOLDERMOTDICK. Dermot: ‘Louis, you wanted the boys, you got
the boys’. I don’t like it when this
show makes deliberate innuendo. It feels
so forced. Nicole wishes her acts
well. Dermot says Gary hated the groups
at first, but hopes they won him round.
Gary says he hates Saturdays and Sundays. We hadn’t guessed.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Fortunately, this isn’t dragged out that long – we’re told
that whole categories are safe: the girls, the groups (which surprises me, I
thought Miss FrankEnDynaBixMix were a shoo-in for the boot) and the boys, which
means one of the over-25s is in the bottom.
I would imagine it’s Lorna WHO but then Shelley and Sam are effectively
the same person so might just cancel each other’s vote out. And so it proves. Shelley is the act who got the least votes
tonight. Poor Shelley, I love her a
bit. Dermot says the flash vote was only
eight minutes long. He said ten earlier,
so I expect this very second about eighty furious members of Digital Spy are
creating threads demanding people CALL OFCOM ABOUT THIS FIX FACTOR FIX. Dermot says we can now vote again. Thanks, but you’re alright, Dermot.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Tomorrow night! The
Actual Cher! Ellie Goulding! Join me then!</div>
Radhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17031764260176803659noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-29082756506530251382013-10-06T22:08:00.000+01:002013-10-06T23:16:11.669+01:00Much More Drama<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Judges’ Houses part two.
Sunday 6 Oct 2013</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Last night! Female
dominance 2013 was given its best possible chance when Sharon dumped the last
man out of the overs (and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer fellow)! Louis put through some tiny teenage brunette
white boys and one ginger one for a bit of a change! Tonight!
Which three girls will be elevated to the live shows and another
possible Scherzinger win? Oh, and some
groups turn up too to help Gary on his quest to take Sharon’s mantle of worst
mentor ever! It’s! Time!
To! Face! Very little content stretched out to
two-hours!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Cue giant X!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Dermot welcomes us from Times Square and introduces to the
groups: Kingsland who are now called Kingsland Road, which I hope is in homage
to Eton Road Neva4get [<i>I'm still just going to call them Dalston - Steve</i>], Xyra who we don’t know that much about other than their
looking like an older, cooler, BixMix, Rough Copy (who dumped their third member
because of his visa issues and because loyalty to your friends is the cardinal
sin according to this year’s show. Oh X
Factor. The Spice Girls am disappoint),
Miss Dynamix (this year’s Frankenband whose name appears to not only be a
mixture of Miss Frank and BixMIX in homage to great Frankenbands of yore – were Miss
Frank the first ever Frankenband? And
what an apt name if so! [<i>sorry to disappoint, but the first Frankenbands were Futurepoof and Phoebe And The Woo Woo Girls</i> <i>- Steve</i>] – but also a total slight on CeeCee’s old band
mates. Friendship what now?) and Code4
who echo the retro vibe of this year’s show by recalling other such bands as
4Sure and 4Real. Oh yeah, and Brick City
are here, too. The groups are excited to
be going to New York via British Airways.
Gary tells them they can have one day of sightseeing and then they have
to get on with it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The girls (Tamera, Jade, Hannah, Relley, Melanie, Abi)
arrive at the airport. Relley says
yesterday she was cleaning hotel rooms and today she’s here. They’re all excited to be flying via British
Airways to Antigua. A British Airways
steward welcomes them all on to a British Airways plane.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The groups are excited to be in Times Square, as well they
might be, as it’s pretty much the maddest place I’ve ever been to. Gary tells us his guest judge has sold
millions of records ‘around the world’.
Who could it be? Madonna? Alicia Keys?
Rihanna? LOL NO it’s Olly Murs. I raise my eyebrows at the ‘millions of
record around the world’ claim. Such an
anti-climax.<o:p></o:p></div>
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First up are Kingsland Road.
They’re the group of hipsters who dress badly and sing badly and look
like they’ve grafted on bits of every boy band ever in a tribute to The Risk. They’re doing ‘Dance With Me Tonight’ like
the try-hard suck-ups they are. One of
them sings ‘my name is Olly’. Is it now,
or is that a lie? One of them is wearing
tight shorts with braces and a shirt.
One of the others is still wearing your auntie’s shirt from the
nineties. They’re still a hot fried
mess. Gary says they take him back 23
years (to when those shirts were in fashion).
Gary loves them and Olly thinks they’re too good in comparison to
himself, but it’s hardly a strong yardstick to hold up to them, is it?<o:p></o:p></div>
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Brick City are next – they’re the vocal group with one woman
and three men who look a bit like an R’n’B No Doubt and are yet to be allowed
to demonstrate personality. They call
Gary a ‘dad’ and would like to go through.
So informative! Gary tells Olly
that they’re his favourite group. Olly
finds this hard to believe. Heh. They’re doing ‘All Around the World’ and it’s
a bit nothingy but it’s perfect if they’re looking for week one first boot
fodder. Gary says it wasn’t as good as
their past performances. Olly says they
feel like a Frankenband and don’t have much chemistry. The band themselves think they
delivered. LOLOOPS etc.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads! I thought JLS
had split up? Still, it’s always nice to
see Yellow JLS. Mewwy Christmas! I’m surprised they let Marvin on this show
after he defected to The Voice, though.
(Oh Kylie, please be good, I love you too much and I’m scared)<o:p></o:p></div>
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I love how they’ve gone back to #xfactor as the hashtag and
aren’t trying to do #judgeshouses. I can’t
believe this show is still learning how to use hashtags after several years of
fail.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Rough Copy are next and Dermot reminds us how to get further
in this show you need to dump your friends, even if they were the founding
member of your group. After all, that
worked so well for the Sugababes.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Retro styling is all over the bands this year as they look
like a beige Kid’n’Play. They do ‘If I
Was Your Boyfriend’ and it’s patchy – some bits are good, other bits are a hot
fried mess, and they do seem to be missing a third person. Then they do a ridiculous long warble at the
end. Gary loves them and Olly says they
didn’t seem defeated. Gary says he likes
them better as a three.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Xyra are next wearing their best BixMix tribute
outfits. They talk over their own song
so we all know how this is going to pan out – about as well as it did for those
two overs whose names it wasn’t even worth learning last night. And to add insult to injury they’ve been made
to sing Phil Collins (‘In the Air Tonight’).
Olly doesn’t think they will win.
Gary lies that they sound good.
Rough Copy aren’t the only group to have shed members, Code4 are now a
three piece which kind of gives a lie to their name. They do some very cheesy dancing (which
presumably will appeal to Olly) through their ‘Superstition’ and also give an
interview over it so I won’t get too invested in caring about them. One of them appears to do all the singing. Gary and Olly said they were group but Gary
says they’re a four-piece. I wonder if
some Code4/Rough Copy splicing could happen.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Next up are MissFrankEnBixDynaMix with the usual Frankenband
story of ‘we now work together so well’.
One of them thinks it’s such a shock that people from Africa, Manchester
and London could work together. Truly a global harmony story for our
times. Their styling is terrible but
they have some decent vocals between them.
Their ‘Pure Shores’ is a bit patchy and they’ll never win but they’re
probably the best group so far – which is only as much of a comment as being
the best man in this year’s Strictly, so it’s week two at best. Gary as first mentor to lose all his
acts? I would think so.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We see more footage of Times Square, including lots of ads
for X Factor USA because somehow, they are still trying to make that thing
happen. Olly lies that one group has
potential. Another group has a rubbish
name (they all have rubbish names). Olly
says he’ll go with ‘that one’ from a choice of Code 4 and Brick City and hits
the Brick City photo. Gary will sleep on
it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads! The new IKEA ad
is slightly less creepy than that dolls’ house one.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Nicole welcomes the girls to Antigua with some dancers. Melanie’s hair has gone all <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAVvtuu1yoo">Monica from Friends in Barbados</a>. Our
guest judge has sold 50 million records around the world, please welcome Leona
Lewis! Just kidding. Because Nicole is a
proper pop star with some clout and because this category is the anointed one,
it’s actually Mary J Blige.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Tamera is first and her hair is less bleached than
previously. She’s SIXTEEN and didn’t
like school much because she wanted to be a singer. Her eyelashes are full on Rebecca Ferguson. Nicole tells Mary that Tamera messes up but
when she’s on, she’s on. Tamera does ‘Fallin’
because that’s not a song we’ve ever heard on this show before. What next?
‘Feelin’ Good’? ‘The First Time
Ever I Saw Your Face’? ‘Stop Crying Your
Heart Out’? She does have a nice tone in
there but it’s very untamed and all over the shop. She says that ALL HER LIFE she’s been put
down and she wants to show she can do something. Nicole says it was the best she’s seen
her. Mary says she’s good. Nicole says she hits the notes but didn’t
believe the drama or pain.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Next up is Jade Richards, who has been here, lest we forget. Poor Jade, you talk over your own audition,
so I’m not sure that will go to well for you.
Her version of ‘Hurt’ (Aguilera version) is pretty sketchy. Nicole says it was like she backed off
halfway through and lost them. Mary
agrees. Next up is Abi, who is
KOOKY. She plays piano as she does ‘Only
You’ which is a song this show hasn’t made enough of in the past. But wait!
What is this? Abi is talking over
herself. Could we be up for a
SHOCK! BOOT? She cries that music is her ‘absolute life’
and doesn’t know what she will do if she can’t do it. I’m pretty sure not getting through on this
show doesn’t stop you doing music.
Nicole worries that she’s a one-trick pony. Mary says it’s the first time she saw the
trick, so it moved her.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Relley C is up next.
Her hair is a lot longer/has more extensions and is no longer half
black, half-blonde. I am guessing a fair
bit of time elapses in between boot camp and judges’ houses. Her ‘Many Rivers to Cross’ has some soul
although it’s quite uncontrolled – but never mind that – if we’re going to do
the reveals in order of performance then that must mean Tamera and Relley go
through with a fight to the death between Hannah and Melanie, both of whom I
assumed were likely to go top three.
Nicole and Mary loved her and Relley is pleased with her
performance. Nicole says her nerves are
still holding her back a bit.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads! That boy on the
Sharwood’s ad must be with his dad’s family this week if he’s having poppadoms. It’s all Macdonald’s with his stepdad when he’s
at his mum’s house.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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For some reason, this show is not even half-way over but
there are only two acts left to sing, which means the results will be
super-super dragged out or there’ll be some SHOCK! TWIST!</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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Melanie lies that it was brave to come back for a fourth
time and lies that she doesn’t want to put her family through it again and
emotionally blackmails us that she’s had a TOUGH TIME and she doesn’t want to
go back to her OLD LIFE. I’m much more
interested in how <a href="http://theapprentbitch.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/jordan-sparks-and-then-spontaneously.html">VOLUMINOUS</a> her hair is getting. Her ‘Run’
is typical Melanie – competent, with big pleading eyes but with no real soul or
spark or interest. Melanie says it felt
good. Nicole basically says she is
emotionally blackmailing them to put her through. I mean, she doesn’t say that explicitly, but
I feel that was the undertone.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Finally, it’s Hannah, who is SEVENTEEN and comes from
Croydon. Hannah, rocking some bleached
braids at the front in this episode of changing hair, says she’s really
transformed but talking so much and rehearsing so much has taken its toll on
her voice. She walks around wearing a
sign saying she can’t talk.<o:p></o:p><br />
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Nicole’s hair also appears to be getting bigger and bigger
throughout the episode. Hannah cries and
Nicole tells her to put everything into her performance. She’s doing ‘A Change is Gonna Come’ which
has a bit more heart in it because of her TRAGIC BACKSTORY than that bloke who
did it the other week but I’m still not sure it’s the kind of thing anyone on
this show should be singing, especially not when they’re only SEVENTEEN. Still, her voice is one of the best of this
year’s bunch and she’s one of the more consistent performers. Nicole asks what the song means. She says ‘the song says it. A change is gonna come’. Well, er, yes, but… anyway, she cries and
Mary gives her a big hug. I’m not sure
why I find her tears endearing and Melanie’s annoying, because they’re both
young girls, so I can only conclude that this show’s SHAMELESS MANIPULATION is
working on me. I will scrub very hard in
the bath tonight to wash the ick away.
She tells Dermot she sang from her heart. Nicole says she has a condition that means
she loses her voice easily which is a risk.
Dermot and Hannah talk about how awesome it is to get a hug off Mary J
Blige. I would expect it’s a bit more
exciting than one from Olly MURS, that’s for sure.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The girls talk about how scared they are and Abi says the
obvious: ‘everything in the competition has led up to this point’. Melanie reminds us that she had a no before
and she would be broken-hearted if she had one again. Yeah, that level of desperation didn’t endear
Joseph to me either – but then maybe the judges want us to feel like this about
her so we can be surprised when she doesn’t go through – I’m becoming more
convinced of this since I read that Shelley is on her third audition and this hasn’t
been mentioned once. Melanie seems like
a nice enough girl, she just needs to give this up now and do something else
with her life, and I don’t feel the show is helping her by continually putting
her through to Boot Camp/Judges’ Houses – it seems unfair.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads! I do quite love
that the Pride of Britain awards is sponsored by Lidl. It’s as if it’s been designed purely to
confuse Nigel Farrage.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We’re back with the groups.
Kingsland Road want to work with Gary Barlow. They need polishing off but they feel sure he
can do it. (NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERVERTS) Gary does the standard ‘I hate this bit now
give me my huge pay check bit’. He says
they remind him of the other blokes in Take That. Well, there’s at least one Howard in this
group, that’s for sure. He says other
groups sang better than them yesterday but that matters nothing in this show
and they’re through. They are wearing
some of the worst shorts and tops known to mankind. I mean, even Saint Jesy would look at those
patterns and decide against them.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Next up are Code4, Rough Copy and Xyra. Rough Copy miss their third member but not
enough to stick with him rather than do this show. Xyra get to speak for possibly the first time
ever. It’s horrendous knowing what’s
coming up. They have apparently packed
their jobs in to do this. WHY DO PEOPLE
DO THAT? Have they never seen this show
before? Even the winner is likely to
need a fall-back career and everyone else certainly is. Code4 have worked hard to be a three
piece. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Gary calls Code4’s performance “interesting” and says there
was no connection at all but they’re reliable and would be a safe bet. He can’t find a lead singer in Xyra but they’ve
always given good performances. He loved
Rough Copy’s vocals and performance but he keeps thinking about them as a
three-piece. Code4 and Xyra are going
home and Rough Copy are going through and Gary is going to try and get their
third member back for live shows. Who
would have seen that coming? I mean all
those THEY WORK BETTER AS A THREE hints were so subtle.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Next up it’s the obvious first-boot fodder act vs the Frankenband. MissFrankEnDynaBixMix want to go through and
CeeCee cries a lot thinking about her daughter.
Brick City would also like a yes and apparently have lost friendships
along the way, but we weren’t shown these tragic friendship splits so I would
imagine they’re going home. Anyway, the
plinky plonky piano plays as Gary tells Brick City he loved them from the
beginning and they’ve got something good there.
He says ‘wow’ that MissFrankEnDynaBixMix were only put together “two
weeks” ago. (I saw the girls’ hair Gary,
I don’t think so). Gary says Olly
thought Brick City were the Frankenband and that was a problem so they’re going
home. MissFrankEnDynaBixMix are through
and cry all over the place.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads! Oh Miley, Miley Miley…<o:p></o:p></div>
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Back with the girls, and the humidity has gotten to everyone’s
hair. They’re also all crying. Abi says she hates playing gigs when no-one
listens. I kind of feel sorry for her,
but at the same time, if no-one listens at your own gigs, then how likely is it
that they will buy your records? She’s been put in a VT three way with Relley
and Jade and given Relley is the only one who didn’t talk all over her
audition, I’m expecting her to go through even though Jade and Abi seemed to be
pimped more in early rounds. Nicole
tells Jade she’s worked hard and her voice makes an impact but she’s not going
through. Jade looks unhappy and
interviews that she has to go home and say she wasn’t good enough again. I’m really not sure there was much point in
making her or us sit through that whole experience. Nicole (working some side plaits and with the
rest of her hair looking tamer than yesterday) tells Abi/Relley that one of
them stood out, one of them wasn’t good enough and one of them is going
home. We pan out to see Relley being
sent home and told to take this opportunity and to stop cleaning rooms for a
living. Abi is through and tells Nicole
she won’t let her down. That’s the
result I would have expected before this episode but those wily editors foxed
me with the way they shot the auditions, the cheeky so-and-sos. Nicole says Abi is the right one and cries.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Tamera wants to get through to show that she’s changing for
the better. Nicole says she has the
range and the look and she’s getting better, but she hasn’t yet made her decision
because for whatever reason they haven’t connected. However, the Leona Lewis version of ‘Run’ is
playing and a big ‘Light up’ is coming any second, so whatevs, Scherz. Tamera babbles about how she was told when
she was younger that she would never amount to anything and she doesn’t want to
go back to that place. I presume this is
the show’s attempt to allude to certain tabloid stories. Wonder what kind of damage control they’ll do
on Lorna. Nicole sends her away for a
bit to think and then brings her back and tells her she’s going through. The music seems to have changed to ‘Because
of You’. Sneaky editors. Tamera says she has to prove to Nicole that
she made the right choice.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Hannah and Melanie cry a lot about how much they want
it. Nicole tells Melanie she should be
proud of herself and has the biggest range.
She tells Hannah she has the voice, soul and attitude. She tells Melanie that sometimes there’s a
disconnect because she tries to be perfect.
She tells Hannah she’s worried about her voice giving up. She lies that the competition is fiercer than
it’s ever been. She then tells Melanie
she can’t go through. Oh show, this
really wasn’t worth it, was it? Why not
just send the girl home at an early stage and spare her the repeated
humiliation? By putting her through so
many times you just give her false hope.
Nicole tells Hannah she believed in her from her first audition and she’s
a star when she sings so she’s through.
Hannah cries into Nicole’s lap like Rylan did and Nicole gives her a big
hug and cries as well and tells Hannah she’s giving Rylan a run for his
money. <o:p></o:p></div>
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And even though we know who the final twelve are, that’s
still not enough. MORE BLOATING NEEDED! But first – ads! Oh, the newly expensive National Lottery and
oh, The Sun+. Two things destined for
failure married at last!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Hooray, it’s time for the parade of winners and losers going
home! I remember how they went through a
phase of not showing us the losers going home.
I liked it better when they did that.<o:p></o:p></div>
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A BRITISH AIRWAYS plane drops them home. Jade’s mum says it’d be great if it was a
yes, but then Jade says she didn’t get through and her mum says ‘I know’. Obviously the families are told beforehand so
they don’t make too much of a meal of things for the losers, but LOL at how
clunky that was. Relley’s mum also hugs
her as she comes back.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Abi’s house is full of loads of people to welcome her
back. Tamera says how strong her family
are as a support system. Her mum is
terrified and her nan says she will burst with pride. Everyone hugs her. Hannah laughs ‘I guess no more Greggs for me’
and she gets big hugs from everyone.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The loser groups’ families are at the airport hoping they
get through and various family members say they don’t believe it, but they’re
all dispatched very swiftly to allow time for the successful groups and MELANIE
MCCABE GRIEF PORN / SHOCK TWIST / WHATEVER.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Kingsland’s family are happy and call them Kingsland not
Kingsland Road. (Oh Kingsland Road what
even is that?). [<i>I love that they'd had t-shirts made with the old name, which they'll presumably have to bin now. - Steve</i>] Rough Copy’s families
are very proud of them and they tell their third member Gary’s going to try and
put him back in. MissFrankEnDynaBixMix’s
families are all squashed into a flat and CeeCee’s adorable daughter can’t wait
to see her.<o:p></o:p></div>
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A week later and Gary Barlow turns up at Rough Copy #3’s (Kazim)
house to put him back in the band. Kazim
cries and calls Funsponge ‘Gazza’ because I’m sure he’s going to love that. They turn up at a “surprise” location to see
the other two who have “no idea” what will happen. We don’t seem to get any Melanie grief porn
which I’m quite glad about, unless I blinked and missed it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Makeover time! Luke’s
hair is similar but less plaity and he is smiley. Sam has been given the cheesy crooner
mic. Nicholas looks about ten. Sam and Lorna have been given the glam
treatment, Shelley has the cheesy fun diva image going on. Tamera looks young and smiley, Abi looks like
Abi but sans flowers in the hair. Hannah
looks like a young diva with a big smile.
The groups look pretty much the same except one of MissFrankEnDynaBixMix
has lost the red in her hair and Kingsland Road (they’re keeping that name?)
have slightly better clothes on. Slightly. Those makeovers were rubbish, show. Up your game. [<i>At least they sorted out Dalton's hair, so there's something. - Steve</i>]<o:p></o:p></div>
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And apparently there is no SHOCK! TWIST!
Which would be a nice change if that proves true.
Next week! They all sing! <strike>As if Helen hasn’t suffered enough, she’ll
have to recap that bloated mess for you!
Join her then! </strike> Because of miscommunications here at TBF towers, I'm down to do that as well. I CAN'T WAIT. Except for the bit where I totally can...</div>
Radhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17031764260176803659noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-48329412668036171632013-10-06T17:36:00.000+01:002013-10-06T23:33:55.399+01:00Sun, sea and Sinitta<b>Judges' Houses: Part 1 - 5 October 2013</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Y'all ready for this? It's time for the part of the competition where arguably the least content is stretched over the maximum possible airtime, as everyone goes to a glamorous location, does a load of unpleasant bleating and then waits for some rich people to decide if they've got a future in this business. It's a bit like party conference season, except with fractionally less jingoism.<br />
<br />
It's all happening a little differently this year: rather than having all the performances on Saturday and all the snotty tears on Sunday, this time we're having performances AND decisions for two categories on each night - the Boys and the Over-25s first, then the Girls and the Groups in the next show. Unfortunately, I'm stuck recapping both of them since I had to swap out of my duties last weekend (huge thanks for Helen for stepping in for me at short notice, I owe her about a thousand favours by this point), so it doesn't really make much difference to me what order it happens in, I'm still here for the whole thing. <i>[Except... SPOILERS... we all got so messed up about who was on duty when that I spared Steve that fate unwittingly - Rad] </i>And I've already contributed more words to this blog than Shane Filan will utter in this entire episode and nothing's even happened yet, so let's move swiftly along.<br />
<br />
We begin with some previews, which are mostly of people crying, as is to be expected. Points of interest from tonight's show are Louis expressing his concern that he's in love with four people (oh my god, the Coalition for Marriage was right - legalising same-sex marriage really does lead to an increased level of acceptance for polyamory!) and Sharon telling a contestant (ostensibly Sam, but you know how tricksy they can be with these edits) that "I want to win, and I don't know whether you can do that for me." Girl, look back at your previous form on this show. I don't know whether <i>you </i>can do this for you.<br />
<br />
Giant X plummets earthward, wondering why nobody thinks to intervene. GIANT X WAS ONLY EVER SUPPOSED TO BE ORBITING JUPITER! Poor Giant X.<br />
<br />
Dermot's in a crisp white shirt in front of the Hollywood sign, reminding us that there are 24 acts left in the competition, and that they'll have been whittled down to 12 by the end of the weekend. First up, it's the boys - that's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TisLODVOnrM">Luke</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBGmObxluds">Sam</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mM5rFwuQVa0">Paul</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vjVP5ZCzuI">Giles</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V10wHqi-EVM">Ryan</a> and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nq2RQZ0wTek">Nicholas</a>. This is possibly the only category in which I feel absolutely confident that I know who everyone is, although I admit I did have to do a bit of research before I remembered that Ryan is the bin juice guy. As is customary, they all meet at Heathrow to rip open an envelope and learn where they're off to - it's a bit like <i>The Amazing Race</i>, except they're probably not going to be told to fly to Shanghai, where they'll have to score one point against a 10-year-old junior champion in a game of table tennis to receive their next clue. More's the pity. The honour of opening the envelope falls to Sam, and it turns out that they're all off to St. Tropez. I do kind of miss the days when Louis's category was inevitably told they were going to Dublin, with the accompanying "womp womp" on the soundtrack. Not that I'm saying Dublin's not a lovely place, because it is. I'm going there for a minibreak next year and everything. Giles and Nicholas do a little celebratory dance (after Giles has finished leaping onto Sam's back and riding him around the departure lounge like a Segway) and Ryan tells us that he speaks a little French, like "non non non, mon petit cher". He does know that "mon petit cher" is a term of endearment for a man, right?<br />
<br />
Next, the Over-25s arrive - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCylXy-IRGU">Sam</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FwNVyimCxA">Andrea</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPelkV2j0m8">Joseph</a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q87K4_ja5no">Zoe</a> (no evidence of her room audition on YouTube, interestingly), <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pvzyB_zuKE">Shelley</a> and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DelkjYm8_I">Lorna</a>. I have no recollection of Lorna existing prior to this moment, even though I recapped the episode she first appeared in. So that bodes well for the rest of the evening. Joe opens their envelope (presumably envelope-opening duties are reserved for those most likely to get the viewers' ovaries twitching) and reveals that they're off to Los Angeles. Everyone's very excited, although Joe makes sure to boreterview that it's NOT A HOLIDAY, IT'S A COMPETITION. Whatever, Joe. You've not got your child with you any more, so nobody cares what you think.<br />
<br />
We get some shots of the contestants enjoying their first-class treatment. I wonder if this is like that previous year where they were all actually booked into in economy and then just bussed up to the sweet seats long enough to film these segments.<br />
<br />
Dermot tells us that "the first to arrive are the over-25s". Really? So it's quicker to fly to Los Angeles than it is to fly to St Tropez? Already I find this show's timeline deeply suspicious. They have time for some quick sightseeing footage before being shunted off to Sharon's Beverly Hills mansion. Sharon brags that she's the only judge using her actual house for Judges' Houses. Meanwhile, Nicole is using Judge Judy's house, Louis is using Judge Reinhold's, and Gary is using Judge John Deed's. There's a shot of a "caution: dog running free" sign outside Sharon's house, and I'm not even going to make that joke because it's beneath us all. Sharon says that her category feels really strong, and she needs to win because "it's my time". You've not been on the show for the last five years, pet, I think you might be at the back of the queue. The first item on the agenda at Casa Osbourne is afternoon tea, which is at least one decision Sharon's made this year that I can unreservedly support. She tells her top six that this is do-or-die, and then it's time to reveal her guest judge. Ozzy? Kelly? Jack? Aimee? Nope, it's Robbie Williams, who's looking more and more like a Mark Lamarr tribute act with each passing year. Sam says that she has a huge crush on Robbie Williams, which is absolutely zero surprise.<br />
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Sharon and Robbie retire to their poolside loungers and discuss how Gary cannot be allowed to win under any circumstances (again, we are simpatico on this), and our first candidate of the night is Sam. She talks about how family-oriented she is, and how her husband and kids mean everything to her. I will probably be banging on this particular drum a lot over the next two days, but it seems odd to sell yourself on how family-oriented you are when your ultimate goal is to become a megafamous singer, which will more than likely require you to spend a shitload of your life on tour. Sam talks about how the arena auditions showed her how much her husband Craig believes in her, and so she wants to DO IT FOR HIM. She tells Dermot that she's got some powerful notes that she needs to hit. Dermot doesn't particularly look like he cares.<br />
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As Sam approaches, Sharon hisses to Robbie that she's a "prison officer" and a "lovely, lovely woman". She doesn't mention anything about singing, funnily enough. Sam is going to sing 'I Have Nothing' by Whitney Houston. She's comparatively restrained for the first half of the song, although she has got a really nasty habit of singing out of the side of her mouth and the accompanying sibilance gets annoying quite quickly, and then of course when she gets to the key change she bellows like she's trying to send a distress signal to passing ships. Robbie asks her if she was "in the moment", and Sam replies that she was thinking about her husband. Say whatever you like about Sam, but whether consciously or subconsciously, she knows how this show works. She runs off to get her hug from Dermot, but she's not sure how well it went. Robbie tells Sharon that he doesn't know where she fits, who her audience is. Sharon says that Sam is "very low-key", which is pretty much the exact opposite of how I would describe Sam, but okay. Robbie thinks that Sam's voice shone, but Sam herself did not.<br />
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Lorna is next, and she interviews that she keeps needing to remind herself where she is right now. A bit like Bruce on <i><a href="http://strictlycomebitching.blogspot.co.uk/">Strictly Come Dancing</a>. </i>She talks about how she's always loved singing, but never had the confidence to pursue it until a neighbour heard her singing through the wall and came round with an application form for this show. Lorna's neighbour: most charitable person ever? The only paperwork my neighbours will receive if I hear them singing through the wall will come from my local council's noise pollution unit. Lorna says she's very grateful, anyway. Dermot says that everyone in the room was incredibly moved by Lorna's boot camp performance. I still have no memory of it. Lorna vows to give this performance everything she's got.<br />
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She sings 'If I Were A Boy' for Robbie and Sharon. I like her tone, and she manages to handle the switch from the husky low notes of the song to the upper register pretty well. After she leaves, Robbie declares that she's "good at that", and that it was "a lovely version of a great song". Sharon still has concerns about Lorna's stage presence, because even when Sharon's seen her performing for a live audience, she still wasn't as good as Sharon would've liked. I guess Sharon and Dermot read the room at boot camp pretty differently, then. Lorna has a little cry on Dermot, as everyone must. Robbie asks Sharon if everyone is going to be as good as Lorna just was. Sharon replies "I hope so", which is Osbourne for "LOL NO."<br />
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Comeptition, presented by Marvin and Merry Christmas from JLS. They're clearly hoping for a regular gig on <i>This Morning</i>, aren't they? Then adverts, and the revelation that this weekend's Mail on Sunday comes with a free glossy poster of One Direction. Well, at least it'll be easy to wipe down afterwards, I guess.<br />
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We return to Los Angeles, and now it's Shelley's turn. She tells us that LA life is somewhat different from Devon, and she believes she was born to sing. She's nervous, but she's trying to turn her nerves into positive energy. She says that she's going to be on fire today, which is handy, because she's singing 'Girl On Fire' by Alicia Keys. Shelley pulls a lot of faces and sings it in the club style, and I realise how impossible it is not to sing <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0kqobQRcUo">'Boy Is A Bottom'</a> over it - although it doesn't help that the lyrics to 'Girl On Fire' are so intolerably vapid in the first place, obviously. It does feel as though, demographic-wise, Shelley's in direct competition with Sam.<i> [I've thought that all along - I think they can both get votes for a couple of weeks but then the show will need to Alpha Over one of them - Rad]</i> I like Shelley more as a person, but Sam's performance was probably the better of the two. She ends with a run that doesn't appear to be heading in any particular direction, and Robbie chuckles that she's just singing "all of the notes. All of them." Shelley blows them a kiss and legs it, cackling. Sharon likes Shelley's lack of inhibition, but is worried about all the bad, clichéd habits she's picked up. And Sharon Osbourne knows from cliché, believe you me. Shelley does not cry on Dermot, but does talk about herself in the third person. Sharon mentions that Shelley likes to be the centre of attention, and Robbie's all "yeah, thank goodness <i>we </i>don't have that problem." Snerk.<br />
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Zoe and Andrea are featured together, because let's face it, they're both pretty fodder-y. Zoe does the standard "I just feel like this is my last chance" schtick (tell that to <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/return-of-cack.html">Melanie McCabe</a>) and also has a child. Zoe's child's name is Dusty, and Zoe has "Mummy loves Dusty" in Malay tattooed on her arm, but Shelley and Joe have officially reserved all of the "adorable moppet" screentime for this year so Zoe can't hope for that to save her. Sorry Zoe. She sings 'Fix You' in a Shirley Henderson sort of voice, and most of her performance is drowned out by interviews of her talking about her kid, so the future does not look bright for Zoe. She says that she can't go home and tell a three-and-a-half-year-old that "Mummy didn't get through". Well, perhaps you should've considered that sooner. Anyway, kids need to learn it's a cruel world sooner or later. Sure, she'll grown up to be cold, heartless and emotionally impotent, but she'll thank you when she's Secretary of State for Education. Zoe doesn't cry on Dermot either, but does admit to being "shaken and overwhelmed". Sharon likes Zoe's quirky voice and image, but she doesn't know if she can deliver the big songs on Saturday night that people want to hear. You can tell Sharon was absent for the Vickers/Ferguson/Devlin/Henderson years, can't you? Robbie thinks Zoe is the sort of person he would've had a crush on at school.<br />
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Then we have Andrea, who has brought her flute along, and I think that tells you everything you need to know about Andrea's chances. She plays the flute for a bit before singing 'High And Dry' by Radiohead in an emotionally overwrought manner and ending on a whistle note that she's not even close to hitting cleanly, so much so that Sharon has to ask her if it was meant to sound like that. Andrea giggles that it "felt like the last note was horrendous" and that she's done it a lot better in rehearsals. After Andrea leaves, Robbie jokes that two of Sharon's dogs passed out during the last note. Andrea does cry for Dermot, and Dermot's all "eh, it happens all the time. I mean did you not see that YouTube clip of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brk5WumACRk">Mahogany</a> on the Australian version? And you know about <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSIgojvlRLw">Sarah Harding</a>, right?" Sharon thinks that Andrea is "very creative", but worries about what might happen if Andrea decides to get creative with her end notes on the live shows. Andrea continues to sob in the holding area.<br />
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Finally, there's Joe. He talks about how emotional boot camp was, and we flash back to him having a massive strop at the idea of even theoretically being eliminated. Also, it suddenly occurs to me that he sounds like Darrell from <i>The Archers</i>, which is another good reason not to like Joseph Whelan. Dermot talks to Joe about his previous stint on the show, and Joe admits that after last year, he quit his job and tried to make a living out of music, not terribly successfully. Rather than taking the hint, however, Joe came back, because HE WANTS TO GIVE HIS SON WHAT HE DESERVES IN LIFE. And, well, see above. I realise there's no such thing as a stable job in this economy, but in terms of sustainable career plans, "X Factor also-ran" is just about up there with "headteacher of Waterloo Road" in terms of job security: you'll be hounded by the press, inevitably sleep with someone you shouldn't, and eventually an outraged parent will try to knock down your place of work with a JCB before you disappear into the night and no one ever mentions you again.<br />
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Joe sings 'I'll Stand By You', and it's all over the place. He doesn't seem to have picked a tempo, for starters, the higher notes are actively unpleasant, and he's just a big ball of nervous energy. Robbie says that he loves Joe and he wants things to go well for him, but he doesn't know where he's going to go. Home, hopefully. Joe tells Dermot that he gave it his all. Robbie tells Sharon that he feels invested in Joe's future because they're both from the Midlands and both have the same aspirations. Also, they both have some really awful tattoos. Sharon doesn't know if Joe can win the competition, and neither does Robbie.<br />
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It's night time, because that's better for atmosphere (even though the sun was still very much out for Joe's performance), and now Robbie and Sharon must deliberate. Robbie says she can choose to cut it with her management head on, or she can cut it with her heart. Sharon says that she's done four years and never won, so that's what she needs to do. Opinions include "I don't know if she's spectacular", "she's a diamond in the rough", "without likeability, you're stuck" and "I don't know whether she's the next big pop star". Robbie tells Sharon he doesn't envy her. Understandably.<br />
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After the ads, it's time to switch locations to St. Tropez. The boys are frolicking on the beach, and Sam's the only one sunbathing shirtless, so I think we can all feel fairly confident that he's making the live shows. He asks the others if they've ever been anywhere like this before, since he hasn't. Ryan says that it's a film star lifestyle, the sort of thing that you see in the movies but you never expect to happen to you. Determined to upstage Sharon and her Beverly Hills mansion, Louis has arranged to meet his contestants on a yacht. He congratulates them all on getting this far, but tells them they've got work to do. However, he's also sure he's got the winner in his category. Luke interviews that he can't believe he's on a "multi-million boat". Similarly, I can't believe that this piece of is going to on for another hours.<br />
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Once everyone's finished enjoying the boat life, it's time to head over to the villa Louis has rented to meet the guest judges: Shane from Westlife, who will be contributing absolutely fuck-all to the entire process, Nicole Appleton, who's just happy anyone remembers her, and (this is where Louis's accent becomes a little unfortunate) "I've got a turd person to help me" - Sinitta. Sinitta is wearing a white bikini and carrying a fan, which is disappointingly understated considering some of her previous outfits. The boys are all very excited to have so many guest judges. <i>[I would say that each judge got the same budget for their guest judges and one Robbie equalled these three, but in no way does one Mary J Blige equal one Olly MURS, so perhaps not - Rad]</i> I feel like in some strange parallel universe, Louis, Shane, Nicole and Sinitta actually is this show's judging panel. Eh, it couldn't be any worse than the panel we had for series eight. They settle down next to the pool. Why does there always have to be a pool in the background? Haven't we officially done all of the waterside tropes now after <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pO-LAvoxRrU">Kitty Brucknell</a>?<br />
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Luke's up first, and he's worried that if he doesn't get through, he'll be going back to college. Ugh! Education! He sings 'Cannonball' like he's passing a kidney stone, and tells Louis that this is what he wants to do for a living. Shane, who looks unsettlingly like Ricky Gervais tonight, says you can tell this means a lot to Luke because he's crying. Well, I can't imagine he's going to be giving Dr Pamela Stephenson any sleepless nights. Nicole thinks he's talented, but she thinks his nerves got the better of him during the performances. Luke has a little Dermot-less weep. Was Dermot in the loo while this was happening? HE IS CRYING, DERMOT, THAT IS YOUR CUE.<br />
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Sam's next, and talks about how this show has already let him play for a crowd of 5000 people at Wembley Arena, and he can't go back to pulling pints after that sort of experience. He sings 'We Are Young' by The Fundots, in that same leaden, joyless way that Karen Harding sang it last week at boot camp. Nicole loves him, and Dermot emerges from the khazi in time to enquire how it went. Sam thinks he's done himself justice. Sinitta thinks that Sam is cute, but she thinks he's more of a boyband member than a solo artist. There's no room for Frankenbanding at this stage in the competition, though.<br />
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Ads. Gosh, that Joanna Lumley watches a lot of telly.<br />
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When we return, it's Paul's turn. He talks to Dermot about how he didn't think he'd get here, because sometimes just having a voice is not enough. Hmmm, if only there were another show he could've auditioned for, where the voice is supposed to be everything. I wish someone would hurry up and invent such a show, given the clear vacuum that exists right now. Paul's worried that he's too fat for this show, basically, even though he's clearly slimmer than Craig Colton, just to pick an example out of thin air. (Okay, poor choice of words, but you know what I mean.)<br />
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Having run out of songs about the struggle of being a black man in racially-segregated America, Paul opts for Paolo Nutini's 'Last Request' instead. He's got quite a nice tone, but there's nothing particularly new or exciting going on in this performance. Shane loved the vocal and the song choice, and thinks that Louis has a tough decision ahead. THANKS SHANE. Nicole thinks he has more to give, and there's something missing there that's giving her a brain-block. Yeah, that'll be it. Paul tells Dermot he gave it his all, so he's happy with the performance. Paul retreats to go off and hug Ryan in a "we're the same archetype so we're in direct competition but we're pals all the same" sort of way.<br />
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Up next is Giles with his short shorts and skinny little legs. He sings 'You're Beautiful' in a clean but feeble way, and his performance is intercut with interview segments in which he talks about having waited his entire life to audition for this show. YOU'RE SIXTEEN. Good grief. His delivery is a little weird too, there's something Groucho Marx-ish about the way he rushes through some of the lines. Afterwards, he tells Dermot that he thinks some of the notes may have been a bit off. <i>The Bizarro X Factor </i>panel confers, and Sinitta says that her little girl would have Giles's poster up on her wall. Louis thinks he's likeable and fun, but the vocal worries him.<br />
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Bin Juice Ryan is up next, telling us that he's quit his job to come to Judges' Houses, so if it all goes wrong, he's got nothing to fall back on, and you'd better believe Iain Duncan Smith will not be allowing him to claim any benefits. He sings Pink's 'Just Give Me A Reason', looking kind of angry throughout, and it's not really a great vocal. I mean, it's better than Giles's, but Sinitta's fan is currently giving us a better vocal than Giles did. Bizarro Panel is unanimous on the matter of Ryan looking unnecessarily angry, and Ryan has a little cry on Dermot, and is too verklempt to say much of anything.<br />
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Last up it's Nicholas, who sings 'If You're Not The One', which is a song I loathe so I'm not really sure I can judge this performance objectively. I guess he sings the awful, passive aggressive piece of shit song decently - will that do? His voice cracks a bit on some of the higher notes, possibly because he's just realising what a terrible song it is. At the end, Louis asks why he should pick Nicholas to go through, and Nicholas boohoos that he's just worked so hard. Nicole gets up to give him a hug, and says that this clearly means a lot to him. Louis sends Nicholas on his way. Shane says that he knows exactly how he feels, possibly because Shane is thinking about how <a href="http://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/x-factor-shane-filan-reveals-2332586">he doesn't have any money any more</a>, which would indeed be quite upsetting. A swollen-eyed Nicholas manages to keep it together for Dermot, and says he gave it his best shot. Nicole likes the power of his voice, but wants more performance. Louis wonders if Nicholas might just be too young to do that properly. He thinks Nicholas is potentially a worry for the live shows.<br />
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Louis, Shane, Nicole and Sinitta talk through the relative merits of everybody. Louis says that he really likes four of them, but only has space for three. Sinitta and Nicole both like the same three boys. I think that might have been the plot of an episode of <i>Saved By The Bell </i>once. There's one boy that Shane really likes, but Louis thinks he isn't a star and that nobody will vote for him. Louis picks up the Product Placement Tablet to show the others the early auditions, which apparently just confuses everyone even further. See, no good comes of product placement.<br />
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Adverts. God, <i>The Wind Waker HD </i>looks SO BEAUTIFUL, but I've already completed the non-HD version of it and I just don't know if I can justify paying for it all over again just to have fancier graphics. My life is so hard.<br />
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The next day in LA, it's time for Sharon to tell everyone her decision. Assuming she'd actually made any, since she doesn't exactly have great form on making her damn mind up about anything. The first person to hear the news is Sam, blahblahblah everywoman doing it for my family. Sam's already crying before she even sits down. Sharon asks her how she thinks she did, and Sam thinks she could've done better. Sharon says that Sam's been spoilt so far because every single performance has been followed by people going "oh my god, I can't believe how good you are", but yesterday's performance was a step backwards, not forwards, forwards, not upwards, and never once twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom. Sam sobs that she wants it so much, much like I did at Christmas 1986 when I didn't get a Mr Frosty for the third consecutive year.<i> [I had one. You didn't miss anything. Two mouthfuls of syrup, a million of tasteless crushed ice. And the penguin thing got all sticky then the thing lived in a cupboard until my mum quietly disposed of it - Rad] </i>Anyway, Sam's through, with an "if you don't win this for me I'll kick your arse" from Sharon. Duh. Sam rushes off wailing that she needs a cup of tea, and gets a hug from Dermot, saying that she feels sorry for everyone who's still got to hear the news.<br />
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Lorna, Zoe and Andrea are all lumped in together. We all know how this show works by now - only one of them is going through, in order to leave one place for Joe and Shelley to fight over at the end. Andrea's disappointed with that hellish note from yesterday, and thinks it was all due to her honest emotions coming out. She hopes Sharon will see past it, though. Zoe says she gave everything in her performance, but she doesn't know if she's what they're looking for. She doesn't want to go back to working in her mum's restaurant, and she doesn't want to disappoint her daughter, WHO IS THREE-AND-A-HALF. God, the sheer number of grown adults using their children for emotional blackmail purposes this year is truly off the charts. Lorna says that she never dreamed she would make it this far in the competition. She too gave her all to her performance, and gets a bit teary thinking about how this is her last shot.<br />
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Zoe sits next to Sharon, and tries to do some last minute brown-nosing by telling Sharon how good she looks. Sharon says she's been thinking all night about what to do, and that Zoe doesn't have the strongest voice in the contest, "but what you do have is you're special. You're unique." Yes, if only there were some sort of snappy phrase that really summed up that quality. Zoe cries a bit. Sharon cries a bit. Sharon tells Andrea she's very creative and beautiful, but she's a niche artist. Sharon tells Lorna that she nailed her performance vocally, but Robbie thought she lacked charisma and performance presence. Sharon has MADE HER DECISION. Andrea's going home. So is Zoe, who wails "oh, Sharon!" Dermot asks her if she's all right. Zoe is not all right. Of course, this means that Lorna is through. Whitney Houston's 'I Didn't Know My Own Strength' plays, and we all remember that time she smacked down Danyl Johnson, while simultaneously wondering if a song about working your way through drug addiction is entirely appropriate for this particular situation. Lorna cries to Dermot that this feels like the best day of her life.<br />
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So as we all knew, it's between Shelley and Joe for the final spot. Joe says that if Sharon takes him through to the finals, it'll convince him that he did the right thing by coming back. Of course, I'd imagine that if she doesn't take him through, he'd take that as a sign that the right thing to do is to come back AGAIN next year. He talks about how he's 6000 miles away from his son, and about to receive news that is either going to make or break their lives. Except apparently in this situation the good news is the one where he won't actually have time to be around his son, because he'll be busy doing <i>The X Factor </i>every weekend and touring local radio stations trying to convince people to buy his records. Joe doesn't want to have to go home and tell his son that he's failed again. SO STOP AUDITIONING FOR THESE SHOWS, THEN. Shelley says that she's always smiling, but don't take that to mean that she doesn't care. She doesn't want to go back to being a van driver, because she wants to be able to give her daughter an amazing futurzzzzzzzz.<br />
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Sharon greets Shelley as her "Devonshire diva" and Joe as her "darling boy". She thinks Joe has a very distinctive sound, but his vocal range is limited. Shelley, meanwhile, has an electric personality and a powerful voice, but she doesn't always know when to dial it back, and Sharon's worried that she hasn't got enough time with Shelley to help her un-learn all those bad habits. Sharon has MADE HER DECISION. Joe is going home. Hooray! He had that coming after his tantrum at boot camp. Joe sniffs that it's worse than last year, because he got SO CLOSE. This of course means Shelley is through. This feels like a baffling decision on Sharon's part, because Sam and Shelley are essentially the same woman in two different wigs and are going to completely cannibalise each other's vote until one of them goes home, so it's a waste of a spot, really. Not that I'm suggesting it should've gone to Joe. God, no. Although I am quite surprised that he didn't make the live shows purely by virtue of having a penis. Shelley is excited to be through, and even more excited that she gets a hug off Dermot. And she sounds more like the lovechild of Stacey Solomon and Komedy Kimberley than ever before.<br />
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Adverts. James Corden starring in The Paul Potts Story is a concept so horrific that I don't even want to contemplate it for a single second longer.<br />
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We return to St. Tropez, where Louis is waiting to break the news. There's obviously some law that says people named Sam have to go first, since Sam Callahan is at the head of the queue in this group. Sam interviews that he's not sure if he could recover from getting knocked back at this stage, because he'd have to go back to working in a bar and busking during the day. Oh noes! How horrible to go back to a life of being 19 and boyband-pretty! Sam goes off to meet Louis, and admits to being terrified. Sam says that he's worked so hard, and he's praying that he's done enough. Louis tells Sam that he stood out ever since his first audition, but his vocals aren't amazing. Louis reminds Sam that there's a different theme every week, and he doesn't know if Sam is versatile enough. God, I'm trying really hard to be professional and not make "Louis has got the young boys, GAYLOLZ" jokes, but turns of phrase like that really make it very difficult. Anyway, it's not good news for Sam...it's GREAT NEWS! He's through to the live shows, and Sam bursts into tears. Sobbing Sam heads off to hug Dermot repeatedly.<br />
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Giles, Luke and Ryan get grouped into the odds-are-not-in-your-favour middle pack. Ryan reminds us that he is unemployed now. Luke says that he keeps going over his audition in his head and worrying about whether he needed to improve on it. Giles says that getting a no would be really hard, because they'd be taking away everything he's ever dreamed of. In his very short life.<br />
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Louis tells Giles that they loved his first audition and they saw sparkle in it, but he let himself down yesterday. Louis tells Luke that they loved his first audition and he stood out from the crowd (I'm sensing a theme here), but now he has doubts about Luke's consistency. Ryan is told that he has a strong voice and works very hard, but Louis wonders if he's hiding behind a guitar, and he isn't sure if Ryan has star quality. It's a no for Ryan, and the job centre beckons. Giles chews on his nails. Louis tells Luke he needs someone who will go out there and fight for survival in the live shows. Giles is going home too. That means Luke's through, and Louis tells him that he believes he can sell records anywhere. Louis wonders if he can get Luke to wash his hair.<br />
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So it's between Nicholas and Paul for the final spot. Paul reminds us that he is shy, and says that he thinks getting through to the live shows would boost his confidence and make him a better person. I question the reasoning of going on <i>The X Factor </i>to improve your sense of self-worth, all things considered. Paul cries about how he feels worthless. Nicholas interviews that he's realised how much he wants this, and that's why he got so upset yesterday. On the sofa, Nicholas cries to Louis that he wants to pay his family back for all the time and money they've spent on supporting him. Louis tells him that he loved his first audition (drink!) and he was great at boot camp, and yesterday he saw how much it meant to him, but he needs people with great personalities and showmanship. Louis tells Paul that he's worried about his confidence, because "it's not just about the voice, it's everything". He asks Paul if he'd be able to go out and perform, because Louis isn't sure that he can. So who's through? Not Paul, who must go home and continue to hate himself forever, or at least until the next series. Nicholas, therefore, is through and boo hoo hoo, etc. Louis makes Nicholas promise not to let himself down, because this is his big chance.<br />
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Ad...break? Wait, what? Haven't we covered everything?<br />
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Apparently not, because we now need to follow everyone home for those familial reactions. Seriously, we're actually going to have to watch Zoe Devlin tell her THREE-AND-A-HALF-YEAR-OLD CHILD that Mummy didn't get through. Ugh, I really should've seen this coming, considering how much everyone was going on about not wanting to have to do that. I guess I just didn't realise they meant "...in front of the camera crew that will be trying to capture my child's every tear in glorious high definition".<br />
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Nicholas's parents are waiting for him at the airport, and he does the obligatory fake-out before breaking the good news. God, they start young these days, don't they? His parents weep with pride about how he is SIXTEEN and going to be a popstar. Luke has masses of family waiting at home, including his brilliant embarrassing mum who says "he's a cool kid!" They're all thrilled, obviously. Sam Callahan's mum says she's having palpitations with anxiety, so she just wants him to come home. Sam really goes for the full fake-out, possibly because he's still weepy enough to be able to pull it off. Of course, he gets mobbed when he says that he's through. Sam's mum says that he will work so hard, adding "won't you?" in that semi-threatening way that mums do.<br />
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Next we must go to the Bad News Brigade: Giles arrives in his family's mint-green living room and tells them that he did not get through. His family are very sweet about it, and tell him he did well to get that far. Zoe's family are waiting for her at the airport, and her mum says "she's not young, she's 28". Thanks, Zoe's mum! Now I feel ancient. Zoe breaks the news to her daughter, who doesn't seem particularly bothered, to be honest. Zoe's mum says that her daughter will succeed one way or another. Joe breaks the news to his excitable family (making sure to tell them first that Sharon thought he was a really nice guy, lol whatever Joe Whelan), and his mum genuinely can't believe it. HE DEPLOYED THE CHILD AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY, HOW COULD HE HAVE POSSIBLY FAILED? Joe's son just seems quite pleased to have his dad home. (Poor Ryan/Andrea/Paul. Apparently they were all such afterthoughts that we don't even get to witness their homecoming despair.)<br />
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Sam Bailey returns home and has too big a grin on her face to convincingly do the fake-out. Her son tells her that she's "got a X Factor". Bless. Lorna breaks the news to her extended family, and almost gets squashed in the ensuing celebrations. They make her glug champagne straight from the bottle. I like Lorna's family. Shelley's daughter runs up to her as soon as she gets through the door, and Shelley screams that she's through, and everyone is very excited.<br />
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Tomorrow: The Groups! The Girls! The Barlow! The Murs! The Scherzinger! The Blige! I can barely contain myself.Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03501183284982762448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-90649785373395681772013-09-30T21:46:00.000+01:002013-10-04T23:07:39.135+01:00The Others<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b>BOOT CAMP!!! Part 2 – 29<sup>th</sup> September 2013</b><br />
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<a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/girl-hour-and-bit-plus-ten-minutes-of.html">LAST NIGHT!</a> Rad saw you through the first part of bootcamp,
which was all about the ladies. The girls. The females and a little bit of the
overs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tonight is presumably going to be
about the remaining overs, groups and the boys but the way things are going
recently, it could be about anything. Something tells me that Funsponge Ruxpin
is not going to let this show be about the boys with five minutes of groups
tacked on to the end. We’ll see. </div>
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We begin, as always, with a montage. Nobody is safe until everyone
has sung. Dermot welcomes us to BRAND NEW BOOTCAMP which is just like old
bootcamp except they’ve been up the road to Ikea and bought some chairs. Not ones
to be outdone by gimmicky reality TV shows like The Voice, the X Factor have
put their own “spin” on Chair Based singing contests by having six chairs lined
up on stage that can be given and taken away at the whims of the judges.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were used as a means of creating drama
and for Nicole to pick her final six girls. How much must the others love her
taking up so much screen time? She must be as popular as Sinitta at the Cowell
baby shower. </div>
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We’re beginning with Shelley. She’s the non Meaty Minge
style woman with the booming voice and interesting facial expressions. Because
she’s no cliché she loves singing more than anything else and she felt at home
on stage for her audition etc etc etc zzzzzzzz. The reaction was beyond
anything she thought. She also has a cute kid to win hearts with who has told
her not to dare come home with a no. She’s looking forward to being on stage
and being accepted for who she is, chubby cheeks and everything, would be her
ultimate dream. Oh would you ever just shut up? Your singing voice has got
nothing to do with you as a person! People only accept your batshit craziness
if your some kind of established creative genius, not because your mates tell
you you do a good Whitney after seven Woo Woos in Yates’. She’s on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She strides on stage and calls Sharon
darling. She then drags out her poor kid before murdering Respect by Aretha
Franklin. She ballids it to within an inch of its life then she kicks it to death
by adding an acoustic guitar backing. NOT COOL SHELLEY. They bloody lap it up
though. She’s got a kid! She drives a van! She’s the anti Broken Britain!
Funsponge admires that she can sing both high and low notes. Louis thinks she’s
special. She thinks he’s special too. LOL DISABILITY JOKES. Sharon asks her to
lay off her man. Nicole’s opinion isn’t important. She gets a stool. She mouths
‘thank you’ at the judges before they drag her poor daughter on to the stage to
make a lovely television moment.</div>
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Dermot justifies his presence by counting the seats for us.
Four are taken and there’s two to go. OH MY GOD WILL THERE BE TENSION? SURELY
THESE CHAIRS ARE NOT JUST A DRAMATIC PROP?! Next up is Katie Markham who is a
tribute artist. We don’t get to know who for. It looks like Effing Lulu though.
They love her. She gets a seat. She’s never been on before so I’m assuming she’s
a bit of a redshirt. Dermot points out that there’s only one seat to go but
that means NOTHING DERMOT because anyone can get chucked out at any time. Next
up is some busker cannon fodder who is called Andrea McGee who’s singing River
Deep, Mountain High and drumming at the same time. She also gets a seat.
Funsponge thinks she’s different. Dermot then talks about chairs and numbers
but I think it’s safe to say we all get it.</div>
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It’s now the turn of someone else we’ve never seen. 26 year
old student Lorna Simpson. Sharon’s death mask tells her that all the seats
have gone but Lorna doesn’t care. She’s here to take a seat. She wheels out the
Whitney too. She’s also ballided it. Let’s just all pretend the 80s didn’t
happen, shall we? There was no disco soul. These songs cannot be sung like that
ever again. She breaks into some serious vocal acrobatics and everyone loves
it, including the six sitting on the chairs, who are seemingly not aware that
if she gets a seat one of them loses theirs. Funsponge calls it the surprise
performance of the night. Nicole compares it to a boxing match and Louis thinks
she nailed it. He wonders what Mrs O is going to do. She’s made her decision, she
wants her in the top six, but she has to boot someone out. New Meaty Minge
doesn’t like this at all, but it doesn’t mean anything because it’s Sabrina
that loses her seat. Sabrina leaves the stage with her head held high as Louis
tells Sharon she did the right thing. Sabrina interviews how shocked she is
whilst Lorna says she didn’t want to do that. Are you watching, other five? Cos
that’s what graciousness looks like. </div>
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ADVERTS! </div>
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Zoe Devlin is last up. She’s last up and she’s doing it for
her little girl. She got a little bit in the last Arena auditions show so she’s
probably going to be good. She looks like Katie Waissel’s evil twin from the
50s. She’s singing the best song about <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=negging">Negging</a> ever, You Are So Beautiful (To
Me).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> [<i>I refuse to believe that the best negging song ever isn't a One Direction song. The odds are so heavily in their favour. - Steve</i>] </span>She immediately annoys me because
she gives it all “I really want this” eyes and “I’m so humble” head bobs.
Sharon tells her that she’s very different and she wants her to have a seat.
However, this means that she has to chuck one off and she’s not sure who. She
takes it to the other judges. Funsponge wants to chuck Joseph off on vocals.
Joseph immediately starts having a tantrum because someone forgot he HAS A SON
and they CAN’T DO THIS TO HIM. He has to be told to sit down. Oh Joseph. The
tiny, tiny glimmer of respect I had for you has now left the building. It’s not
him though. She goes with Louis’ suggestion of Katie. She starts crying, as
does Joseph because he’s an utter twat. <i>[SMH - although if he continues to act like Brookstein I am intrigued as to how Sharon will handle it - Rad]</i> Katie tells Dermot she had more to give
as the final six overs congratulate each other. Meatier Minge phones her kids
who scream at her. </div>
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We move on to the groups. This year we have not escaped the
curse of the frankenband as “Gary” “put together” some leftover girls and Cici
that wouldn’t abandon her group and two girls that got a no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cici says it’s been an emotional
rollercoaster of a 24 hours because she didn’t want to leave her boys but she’s
got a KID and a BRAIN so she’s going to give it a go. They’re given an office
to rehearse in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He pops in to see them
and tolerates them jumping for joy all over him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He thinks they look amazing together and
thinks that they have a real opportunity to do well, not that he’s going to
favour the band he put together personally over the others! </div>
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First up are Brick City, featuring the most ill advised jump
suit since Rowland Rivron put on Anneka Rice’s one on Celebrity Come Dine With
Me. They sing Like a Prayer. Nicole thinks they work well together. Louis
thinks they’re a ready made pop group. They’re stool material all right. Hurr.
Stool Material. That’s like poo. They haven’t thought this through. </div>
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Next up are Rough Copy. They call Funsponge backstage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently one of them is still having Visa
issues and won’t be able to go to Judges Houses if they did get through so he’s
bowing out and they’re going through as a duo. They make the one without a visa
watch to see what he’s done because there’s a Tory in the room. They do the impossible
though, which is ballid a song which is already a ballid, Stop Crying Your
Heart Out by Oasis. It’s taken into new dimensions of turgid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nicole would deffo give them a stool. Sharon
uses the word Rough to describe their experience because HAHAHA that’s their
name. Funsponge hasn’t thought about them as a duo but he thinks for a second
and perches them on one of his chairs. </div>
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Oh the sweet mercy of advertising. Like any kid is going to Google
glossophobia.</div>
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Next up are NVS that are like two lots of H and Claire
singing the hits from Glee through their noses. They don’t get through. After
them is the abomination that is the hipster boyband, Kingsland. Seriously. I’ve
been off sick in the week and I watched all of Nathan Barley in one snotty,
wheezy sitting and it did nothing to give me any anti-hipster antibodies against
this lot. They, like everyone else, can’t believe they got this far and there’s
no room for mistakes. Aside from the mistakes of their individual and
collective births. They’re singing For Once in My Life from off of Motown
wearing your mum’s wardrobe from the 80s and ironically dancing in unison. To
say it is an abomination is an insult to Damien and his Omen. It couldn’t be
any more portentous of a terrible tragedy if it was the Horsemen of the
Apocalypse riding under some ladders with black cats chasing single magpies
zigzagging across their paths. OF COURSE they’re going to get through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nicole loves that they’re prepared and cute.
Sharon thinks they have potential. Funsponge thinks their shit individually but
good together and they have the potential to be a great boyband. They are, of
course, stool worthy.</div>
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Next up is Xyra, who were the ones I made the awesome Bixmix
joke about <a href="http://thebitchfactor.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/the-wedding-singer.html">Last week</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Louis loves that
they can all sing. Funsponge was looking forward to them least but he gives
them a seat. They’re followed by Tenors of Rock who are basically the cast of a
suburban production of We Will Rock You. Funsponge thinks it was a great
performance but because it was a bit too much fun for him he has to question
the relevance. He gives them a seat to chuck them off later.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Code 4 are next. They do good leg dancing for
the Mams and a back flip which causes Nicole to get out of her seat. Funsponge admires
their ambition and gives them a seat. </div>
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He’s already thinking about who to chuck off as his
frankenband arrive to perform. They’re feeling the pressure because they’ve
only been together a day. Cici has been feeling the ups and downs of being in
one band yesterday and being in another today but she’s feeling blessed. They’re
going to give it their all and try and steal a seat from someone. Cici immediately
starts crying because she’s been given a second chance. They’re singing Love in
a Hovis Face but it’s been ballided a bit. The harmonies need practice, in that
they need some practice as opposed to none. Funsponge immediately looks
supremely pleased with himself. The other judges pretend that they’re good too.
Nicole can’t resist and points out that they’ve only been together a few hours
but they shine bright as a three piece. The other groups know that one of them
is for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gary bangs on about how big a
decision it is before deciding to punt someone else. Nicole thinks they deserve
it. Nobody knows on what merit this is. He gets rid of... </div>
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Oh let’s find out after the adverts. Ooh, that’s where my
last speck of respect for Natalie Portman went! </div>
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We’re back and Dermot explains the chairs thing AGAIN. As does
Funsponge. He boots out the Tenors of Rock and wishes them luck. They interview
that they’ve sacrificed everything so they’re really disappointed. Never mind! Next
up its Next Of Kin, who are not so much 911 as 999 with Michael Beurk. Next of
Kin are the ones that were supposed to be the British Hanson but were shit so
they didn’t make it. They’re singing Rule The World which is a brave move because
even Funsponge admits that he doesn’t like being outdone. They Cardle it to
shit and everyone loves it. Louis trolls that it was better than the original. Sharon
thinks it was a bit old fashioned. Gary says that he loved their original
audition but he hasn’t loved the rest of the performances so they’re off. BYE
THEN.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sharon thinks that they couldn’t
be worked with any more and his final six are complete. </div>
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So finally, it’s Louis’ boys. I’m going to try to get
through this section without making a cheap joke at the expense of Louis’
sexuality because I’m a bit bored of it to be honest. I saw Denise Bloody Welch
make a dig at him on live television about preferring to give his attention to
boy bands and I’m a bit sick of all the nudging and raised eyebrows. We at
Bitch Factor don’t agree on lots of things but we have all agreed on the
awesomeness of Louis Walsh in the last couple of series and to be honest I
think that he got this category so cheap jokes could be made on the Xtra Factor
by people who are not BLOODY MATT EDMONDSON. Sorry, but I think we’re way past
the stage where it’s acceptable to make jokes about men not being around
younger men because of their sexuality. (Time of the month dear? YES WHAT OF
IT). [<i>Here, have a promotion. You've earned it. - Steve</i>]</div>
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First up is 19 year old Sam Callahan. He thinks this could
be monumental and he’s going to work his balls off. He can’t go back to being a
normal kid cos he isn’t one. No. He’s a sub Olly Murs twatface chopping away at
a cheap guitar. Louis wants to know if he’s ready. He’s as ready as he’ll ever
be. He sings Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls and he’s doing this weird thing where he
sings one line quiet and one line LOUD. Sharon thinks he won her and the crowd
over. Funsponge thinks the vocals weren’t great but he’s likeable. Louis likes
his passion and the fact that he came out fighting. Louis wonders if he’d win
the competition for him. Sam thinks he will. Louis isn’t so sure. The other
judges are indignant. He’s stool material. </div>
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Next up is 24 year old Paul Akister. Remember him? He’s the
generic brunette white bloke that likes to sing songs about his struggles as a
black man in segregated America. He sings I Would Rather Go Blind with an
acoustic guitar backing that in a just world would only get him through to the
next circle of hell. He lives up to his job title of Pub singer. He is cute
though. Very cute. Sharon loves his hot chocolate soulful tone. Funsponge thinks
his voice is fantastic. Louis isn’t sure if he’s *looking* at<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>someone who’s going to sell records. He gets
a seat though. </div>
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Here’s he hilarity section, its Barclay Beals the yodeller.
He thinks yodelling again might be a massive risk but nobody got to Louis’
house by playing it safe. He starts singing Respect and it’s fine, if a bit
generic. Then he just sticks a bit of yodelling in the middle. FUCKSAKE. Sharon
demands to know what it’s all about. Funsponge thinks someone has changed the
channel on the radio. Louis thinks it was brave but doesn’t put him through,
stating that not even he could do it. Ah well, fair dos. <i>[It all just screams Britain's Got Talent to me - Rad]</i></div>
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Adverts! Oh Dani from Hollyoaks. It was never going to go
anywhere other than yoghurt.</div>
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It’s Alejandro’s turn! Remember him? He sang in Spanish and
made Nicole come over all unnecessary. He’s back to win over the ladies. He’s
doing that by singing the Wand Erection song about how it doesn’t matter that you’re
fugly because they’re never going to tell you about it in case you think they’re
mental. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s boring. Sharon likes the
song choice. Nicole misses the Spanish. Louis thinks he’s good and the girls
like him. Talk about damming with faint praise. He’s through anyway. He can’t
believe it. </div>
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Backstage, the boys see three seats and five of them. First
of the last five is Bin Juice Ryan Mathie. He’s singing a song in the club
style. I don’t know it. Sharon thinks it was a good performance and Louis gives
him the last seat. Nicole thinks he’s as sweet as pie. Next up is Luke Friend
who has picked up an awful lot of annoying<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>habits and affectations for a 17 year old. He sings Alone by Heart with
an acoustic guitar. It’s fawful. Sharon doesn’t think it was his best
performance. Louis is worried by it but gives him a seat anyway, presumably to
boot him out of it. </div>
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That leaves one seat and three boys. First up is Giles
Potter who made a car crash out of Reet Petite last week. He’s stepped up his
game since the arena audition. He’ll be devastated to get a no. He arrives on
stage and tells the judges he’s been preparing. He starts singing I Won’t Give
Up<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>by Jason Mraz. Apparently it’s his
best audition to date and he’s ONLY SIXTEEN so Louis is obviously worried about
him in the live shows. He’s STOOL MATERIAL (I’m not tired of that joke yet so
you’re not). He breaks down. </div>
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All the seats have gone but nobody is safe! Yes, we get it.
It’s the 19 year old football coach Tom Mann up next. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He arrives on stage and says he’s ready. I’m
not ready for what happens next. He basically channels the ghost of Janet
Devlin and starts burping his way through Girls Just Wanna Have fun and like
Rachael’s trifle, IT DID NOT TASTE GOOD. Funsponge pretends to like his voice
and thinks it’s distinctive. Nicole didn’t like the song choice. Louis can’t in
his heart of hearts say he’s better than any of the other six. He’s going home.
He’s upset not to be good enough. </div>
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Final Ad break! Oh this is only an hour and a half and it’s
felt like forever. The next recap I do will be a live one and they’re three
days long.</div>
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Who’s last? It’s wee Scottish Nicholas who’ll have to give
the performance of his life to oust someone from their stool. He interviews
that everyone deserves their place in the final six but to go home with a no
would be devastating. He’s wee, cute and wearing a t shirt with ‘jock’ on it. They
ask him how he is and he says he’s feeling the pressure now all the spaces have
gone. He’s doing the same song as Giles Potter. He not only shows Giles how it
should be sung, but endears himself to everyone too. He shows Giles up to such
a degree that I have to wonder if Giles’ parents are owed a massive favour
somewhere because I can see no other reason why he’s through. The boys on the
chairs look various degrees of DOOMED as Nicholas gives a proper performance.
The audience are on their feet. The other boys daren’t shift an inch. Louis
wants to know if he’s happy. He is. Sharon thinks he sung it well and should be
proud of himself. Funsponge thinks Louis needs to give him a seat. Nicole would
definitely put him through. Back to Louis and he’s putting Nicholas in his top
six but someone needs to go. Giles surely. It has to be. Come ON. Giles is
still crying as ALEJANDRO is booted out to make way for Nicholas. Alejandro is
very gracious about the whole thing though, thank goodness. [<i>Oh, Alejandro. I will miss your eyebrows. Please come back next year. - Steve</i>] Giles cries some
more and the final six boys settle down into their seats. Alejandro is gutted
and Louis claims he went with his heart. </div>
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So that’s it! 24 acts now remain and their one step closer
to their dream. Next week is Judges houses which mercifully for the first time
in my Bitch Factor history I’m not recapping. YAY! Join Steve then Rad next
week to find out how that goes. </div>
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Helenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14309430718065420406noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15546688.post-14791397408282681222013-09-29T16:13:00.002+01:002013-09-29T17:29:41.876+01:00Girl hour-and-a-bit (plus ten minutes of overs)<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Boot camp part one, Saturday 28 September 2011</b></div>
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Last week! The
auditions came to an end! This
week! They’ve made Bootcamp all
different againm and it’s something to do with having six seats and waiting
until everyone has sung. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Oh, Giant X, come and save me from this brave new
world! What’s this? They’ve truncated you? Is nothing safe anymore?<o:p></o:p></div>
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Dermot welcomes us to Wembley Arena by standing in front of
Wembley Stadium and telling us that the favourite 100 acts (what a convenient
number) are going to be whittled down to 50.
The show also suggests people use the hashtag #bootcamp instead of
#xfactor which is about as stupid as the official Doctor Who 50<sup>th</sup>
hashtag being #savetheday and not #doctorwho or #dw50 or #moffatmustgo etc.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Prior to the show we have the annual bit where the evil
producers mastermind who gets which category.
You remember how, in days of yore, this bit used to go on forever, with
Simon moaning how he didn’t want the groups/overs/etc? Well this year they kind of spunk this whole
thing up the wall very quickly and move on apart from evil producer Richard in
his colourful evil producer scarf hamming up his part for all he can and the
obligatory shot of a handy and functional Samsung tablet (confession: I now own
one of these. I wanted a tablet and it
suited my purposes best but I nearly didn’t get one purely because of this
show, and now that I do own one and see it on telly, I feel kind of grubby. I promise it doesn’t have the fifth judge app
installed on it). Louis very vaguely
tries to milk some drama by saying he ‘hopes it’s not the girls’, because we
all know how good he is with young women, but no, he gets the boys, Sharon (whose
dog Bella looks just like a cuddly toy) the overs and Gary the groups. Nicole gets the best edit here, whilst the
others are walking about or in cars, she’s lounging in a dressing gown eating
bagels and when she is told she has the girls, she says they’re very lucky to
have her, because she’s the reigning champion.
Heh.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The judges arrive in limos at Wembley to their waiting
categories who all get excited to see their mentors, even Gary and Sharon’s
categories who obviously haven’t got the memo about them being the worst
mentors ever. Louis’ category remember
that he won with the boys before. [<i>I did wonder why they were so excited to see him, given his track record since then, but I suppose that is a fair point. - Steve</i>]<o:p></o:p></div>
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The contestants begin with a mass vocal warm-up in the foyer
before they go onto ‘challenge 1’ – this is the challenge where they’re
reducing 100 acts to 50 and what follows is a segment only rivalled in its
half-arsery than those times they send half the acts home before they even
sing. Basically, the gist is that the
soloists sing in groups of three, then the groups in pairs and 50 acts get sent
home. They spend longer explaining this
than they do showing it, as all we see are people getting saved or sent home,
not them actually singing or anything.
Basically, the people we know get saved (apart from poor, sweet Justin
Peng, a few girls who had brief segments of airtime and Dynamix who taught us
that no good can come of standing by your friends – and their singer CeeCee
seems to be called Cherise this week although this may be Gary getting it wrong),
and the people we don’t get sent home.
And then to try and put in some ZOMG!
SHOCK! BOOT! DRAMA! we see one
sing-off only – between Amy from last year, Melanie from every year and Stephanie
who Sharon sent home when she was 14.
They do ‘Fighter’ which is a bit patchy – Amy comes off best and
Stephanie worst and Sharon tries to emotionally blackmail Nicole into keeping
Stephanie, but she doesn’t, and Stephanie is sent home. Sharon makes it all about her again by telling
Nicole to change her mind, then crying and giving Stephanie a massive hug.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads! Not one person
ever has tweeted ‘Loving the #fifthjudge app’ who wasn’t a marketing stooge
(Dave Gorman did a brilliant bit about marketing stooges on social media the
other week on his Dave TV show by the way, which was worth checking out,
especially if you watched The Apprentice in its earlier series when they used
em@iler phones and made all the winners work for Amscreen). Give it up, show.<o:p></o:p></div>
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If you were in any doubt as to where the favoured category
is this year (and it’s hard to think that you would be after the first two
audition shows) it’s worth noting that out of a 90-minute show, one category
dominates about 75 minutes of the airtime, meaning the other three categories
are going to get about half an hour each, total. [<i>I like to think they're favouring the mentor rather than the category. Nicole makes the best TV, so she gets the lion's share of screen time. - Steve</i>]<o:p></o:p></div>
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Having dispensed with 50 acts in as short a time as
possible, we’re onto the new challenge – basically, each judge gets six seats
where their chosen six sit and watch the auditions. If the six seats fill up
and the judges want to put someone else through, then they have to chuck
someone off a seat, which doesn’t sound at all humiliating. No word on what will happen if the spaces don’t
all get filled up but my prediction is that this will only happen with the
groups and the other spaces will be taken up by Frankenbands, because that’s
how this show works usually.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The girls are the first category up and we see a bunch of
them waiting backstage – about 17 or 18 of them by my count. Nicole implores the audience to show the
contestants some love and to help them out.
If there’s one thing I can guarantee about the X Factor audience is that
they won’t be any help whatsoever, Nicole.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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First up is <a href="http://www.karenhardy.com/"><strike>Karen Hardy</strike></a> <strike>Karen Harding</strike> Cannon Fodder, model, 21. She apparently auditioned with ‘Love on Top’
and I don’t even remember if we saw it or not.
She hopes this is her moment. She
does a slowed-down and trilled-up version of ‘We are Young’ and it’s not
particularly good, but she looks great and props to her for not
gender-switching the lyrics. Louis likes
her and her voice but doesn’t know if Nicole will pick her. Thanks Louis!
Sharon and Gary like her too.
Dermot reminds us of what we have just watched and says the category
judge gets the final vote. Nicole says
she has a nice tone to her voice but wasn’t sure about the song choice. The braying mob shout ‘seat, seat, seat’ and
Nicole puts her in the top six.
Backstage Tamera says she earned her seat. Dermot reminds us she’s not safe until
everyone has sung.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Next up is Lydia Lucy who was pretty affected and screechy
in her earlier auditions but has at least realised her gimmick is to wear the
same white dress and trainers all the time to help people remember her, which
is somewhat savvy. Her ‘For Once in My
Life’ has no real depth or soul and is full of sub-Cher Lloyd affectations but
the audience lap it up like the fools they are and give her a standing
ovation. These people are very easily
pleased. Gary loves her ambition and
says she oversung a bit but she was courageous anyway. Nicole says she has a distinct, bright voice
but wonders if she is different enough and to more muted shouts of ‘seat’, she
is told to put her ‘sweet little cheeks’ on a seat. Who new the Scherz was a bum woman? Sharon says she’s like a Disney kid.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Next up! It’s Hannah
who learned that you need to fall out with your friends in order to progress in
this life! But this will all work out
well for her, won’t it? Lydia and Karen
discuss whether or not she can sing. She
does a very average ‘River Deep, Mountain High’, which she can’t really
reach. Gary stops the performance early
too boos from the audience. Surely only
the category mentor would be able to do that.
Gary says her voice is getting out of control and she needs to control
it. Nicole says the song choice was
wrong as she doesn’t have enough soul for it.
She doesn’t think Hannah is ready and sends her home. So basically, you keep your friends, you go
home; you dump your friends, you go home.
I’m not sure what the moral of this story is. I’d say something about singing, but this IS
the X Factor. She comes off stage and
melodramas that she has lost everything and gets a big Dermot hug. I know contestants coming on this show should
have an idea what’s in store but it does feel a tad mean to be putting a 17
year old in such emotionally difficult positions.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads! Myleene Klass
has no idea how to dress appropriately for a night at the funfair.<o:p></o:p></div>
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A freakishly large moon welcomes us back to bootcamp. Siana Schofield gets sent home for not being
strong enough vocally or having an interesting enough story. Wedding singer Crissie, who is now 25, which
sheds an interesting light on the age thing – I always thought the cut-off
point would be to be 24 when lives started but it must be from first audition. Anyway, she goes home. Sharon wants to know where the fight is and
Nicole wonders what’s going on with her girls.
Some oompa-loompa girl we’ve never seen before called Jade (who is not
THAT Jade) says ‘if it’s a no then it’s a no, but if it’s a yeah, then
fantastic’ which is a big fat uh-uh on this show. You can’t be philosophical about things, your
life needs to depend on this, Jade. [<i>Unless you're Stacey Solomon. Ahh, for the days when you could get away with saying "there's always Asda". - Steve</i>] It’s
the only way to make your dead relative happy and to escape your crappy job. Read the script, missus. Her ‘Alone’ sounds like your aunt on the
karaoke and she’s dispatched for having no fight. Nicole is pissed off and has to kick some
BEEP. She goes backstage and tells the
others she was BEEPed off by the last audition so they need to have more passion,
kick some butt and grow some balls.<o:p></o:p></div>
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OH MY I WONDER WHAT THIS WILL CUE UP.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Tamera is next, looking a lot older and savvier than last
time we saw her. She reminds us that she
also ditched a friend to get through, then forgot her lyrics. Other Hannah gives her a hug and says she
loves her. Tamera worries about
forgetting her ‘lines’ again. She’s
singing Rihanna’s ‘Stay’ which is perhaps not the most obvious choice but she makes a decent fist at it, if a bit too ‘trilly’
and with a few bum notes, particularly as she gets more into the emotion and
forgets about her technique. The chorus
is a bit too screechy but she does have potential. Lous says it was her best performance and she
ticks every box. Nicole says she got it
together today but she’s still very young and she doesn’t know if she’s ready,
but she’s through anyway.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Dermot snarks ‘finally another seat’ but he’s about as much
use here as Holly and Reggie are on The Voice.
Relley C of the two-tone hair is through after her version of ‘Respect’,
and the judges declare her adorable.
Jade Richards of multiple auditions is next up, and isn’t especially
brilliant, but Sharon whoops the audience up to stand on their feet and Gary
trolls ‘seat, seat, seat’ and Nicole puts her through and snaps ‘thanks guys,
now I only have one seat left.’<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sheena McHugh who I don’t remember says she really wants it
in the most deadpan voice ever. She does
a miserable and screechy ‘The One That Got Away’. Sharon says she doesn’t have star power, Gary
thinks she’s a real artist and Nicole says it’s hard to choose because the bar
is so high in the girls’ category. Gary
says ‘don’t regret losing her’ and Nicole starts to cry and says she doesn’t
know if this show is right for her and she’s sending her home. The audience boo like the fools they are and
Sheena whines that she really wants it, and the producers tell Nicole that she
needs more CRASH! DRAMA! so she changes her mind and sends her through for
being the ‘only one’ that made her cry.
Please. I love the Scherz, but
she’d cry if there was an onion within a five mile radius of the venue.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads. Pretty good to
see a sports ad from Nike that’s about women being tough and swimming away from sharks and stuff. I approve.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Only three girls are left now, and wouldn’t you know
it? It’s three who’ve been featured
heavily throughout, Hannah of the tragic backstory, Abi who looks like Andrea
from The Voice (I know that sounds a bit ‘all those brunette curly white girls
with glasses look the same to me’ but without the bleach, straighteners and
contact lenses, I’d a be a brunette curly white girl with glasses myself) and ZombieMelanie
who keeps coming back from the metaphorical dead.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Hannah is first and Nicole is crying again as she does ‘I
Would Rather Go Blind’, also crying. She
isn’t perfect and has a rather uncomfortable idea about stage posture, but I
think she is probably my favourite in this category. The audience whoop and Dermot beams that ‘Nicole’s
in a lot of trouble’, except the two obvious fodderbots and either Lydia or
Relley who will both no doubt go out at judges’ houses. This is the problem with the show, I get that
they retro-edit it so we can root for the finalists all the way through but
then we all know who will get through because they’ve been shown so heavily
whilst everyone else is such clear fodder.
Therefore, this whole six seat twist, contrived purely for DRAMAZ has no
edge, because there are people we don’t care about whom we know will be going
home. [<i>Also, boot camp doesn't feel any different from the audition rounds any more. It doesn't need a live audience, for starters. I miss the group performances, and the staying-up-all-night, and the evil vocal coaches and whatnot. - Steve</i>] Still, the script calls for drama
and Nicole is nothing but a drama queen (see also: Osborne, Sharon and Walsh,
Louis). Sheena is dispatched swiftly as
we all knew she would be, which really means Nicole should have stuck to her
guns and sent her home rather than put her through further humiliation.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Abi is next and because we always need a kooky Diana
Vickers/Janet Devlin type these days, she’ll be going through, but she finds it
hard to know that if she goes through, someone else will go home. If her kookiness wasn’t kooky enough, she’s
in a white frock and wearing flowers on her hat (I thought at first it was a
daisy chain which would have been an epic burn on Hannah and her broken-up-band
The Daisy Chains). And to add insult to
injury, she’s doing a piano, slowed-down version of ‘I Wanna Dance With
Somebody’. I can feel Steve’s teeth
itching from here. Her voice is actually
quite nice but it’s not something we haven’t seen on this show a million times
before, except now with added spectacles. Gary and Louis love her. Nicole says it’s not the song she would have
chosen. The audience start shouting ‘swap
swap swap’ and ‘seat seat seat’ which means someone else they were shouting ‘seat’
for now has to be deposed. So fickle,
this baying mob. Nicole begs the other
judges for their help. Gary says Abi has
got something and he doesn’t know. So helpful. Anyway, she’s through, and this time it’s at
the expense of Lydia. The audience boo
this DESPITE SHOUTING FOR IT TO HAPPEN.
Jeez I fucking hate the X Factor audience so fucking much. Abi cries on the other girls and then Lydia
cries as a camera is shoved in her face and this all feels rather uneccessary.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads! Oh yay Sharon is
giving an interview in the Sun on Sunday.
I can’t wait. Other papers are
available (including the Observer in which this tellyblogger is used as a <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/music/2013/sep/29/beatlemania-screamers-fandom-teenagers-hysteria">talking head</a> this week, fact fans) (/
self-promotion)<o:p></o:p></div>
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We’re back with the girls AGAIN which means either tomorrow’s
show will be super-long or the other categories are getting short shrift. ZombiMelanie mentions how she’s been on this
show before and cries some more and then does a very wobbly ‘The One That Got
Away’ which is better than Sheena’s version but that wouldn’t have been
difficult. I genuinely think Melanie was
better that year that Evil Kelly Rowland sent her home from judges’ houses (in
that ten-second clip we saw of her that year) than this year. Too many bad habits and way too
desperate. The audience love it and it
makes Louis cry because she’s IRISH but the song apparently means something to
her personally and Louis says she’s the one that got away. Speaking of ones that got away, I saw the
Wand Erection film the other week for research purposes (man was it LONG) and I
was disappointed that Resentful wasn’t resentful enough for the most part nor
was the Zaynwreck bad enough. However,
my favourite moment was classic Resentful when he said that he’d auditioned
before and been turned down and only went back on the show because he was
pissed off and wanted to show them. And
then there was a bit where they mentioned how he used to hate the others. Love it.<!--3--></div>
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Nicole says she wasn’t sure if she believed it in Melanie’s
past performances but she had her in this one.
She’s in the top six and it’s no surprise that Karen Fodder is out. Melanie reacts very cheerily to being put
through whilst the other six wear faces of thunder. Read the room, McCabe, at least give some
crocodile tears. The audience shout ‘seat’
and then boo Nicole as she says she has to lose someone and then cheer when it’s
Karen who they wanted to have a seat.
SMH.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So the six girls going through after that epic dramarama
are: Tamera, Jade, Melanie, Abi, Relley and Hannah and we all shrug.<o:p></o:p></div>
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As an afterthought, the Overs are next, but this will be
easier as there are only about eight of them (six of whom are women because this
is the year of the vagina. See also: <a href="http://strictlycomebitching.blogspot.com/">Dancing, Strictly Come</a>) and only about three of those are people we’ve seen
much of, so there’s little drama here.
Sharon still whines that it will be hard.<o:p></o:p></div>
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First up is prison officer Sam who started well and then
became a Meaty Minge wannabe. She’s
doing Emily Sunday’s ‘Clown’ and it’s alright for the most part – not as good
as her first audition but a bit more subtle than her second one – then she goes
full on VOLUME=GOOD because that’s what this show does best. It seems to be even slower than the original,
though, and I wasn’t sure such a thing was possible. I hated this on first viewing, by the way,
but second viewing and seeing how bad some of the girls’ category are has
softened my ire. Sharon gets the
audience to whoop as if there was any doubt who’d be going through. Sharon cries that in ‘all her years’ she’s
dreamed of a contestant like Sam.
Somewhere, Brenda, Maria and Dionne are wondering precisely what was
meant by that statement and hoping Sharon just meant ‘prison officer’ than
something a little more uncomfortable.
Sam’s through, obviously.
Backstage it looks like “fit” dad Joseph has put talc in his hair to try
and be a silver fox but as it goes away later, it's probably just the lighting.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Ads! I’m pretty sure
the only ‘ALL! NEW!’ thing about the
lottery is it doubling in price.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We’re back with Souli Roots whose wig is blonde this week
and she has a mask with her. Sharon asks
if she is Lady Gaga and she says not tonight.
Her Man in the Mirror is full-on bonkers, less tuneful than she’s been
in the past and ends in an undignified forward roll that makes Susanna Reid’s
falling over on the sofa on Strictly look elegant. Sharon lies that this is a singing contest
and sends our one hope at a comedy contestant home. Somewhere, Brian Friedman is rocking and
weeping.</div>
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Next up is some bloke called Jason who I don’t recognise but
who has given up his crappy job in a call centre to do this, which seems
premature. Sharon calls him ‘bubsy’ and
he does a slightly unexciting ‘Higher Love’ and Sharon thinks it was a sold
performance but he is sent packing to boos from the audience. If there really were eight overs left and we’ve
just seen two go home, that kind of spoils the drama somewhat, no? I’m not commenting on the fact that the two
dispatched were both black. Except I just
did. One of the other contestants goes ‘no
no no, not Jason’. Gary says he wasn’t
expecting that. Sharon says she didn’t
think the audience liked him that much. [<i>Jason was about the only person whose audition I can remember vividly and who I really liked, so...well, there goes my interest in the show this year. - Steve</i>] A couple more overs appear to have been dug up from somewhere backstage
to increase the fake drama. Next up is
Sabrina, who I don’t remember, so presumably won’t see at boot camp. She has an awesome red weave and does a
decent ‘I Would Rather Go Blind’ – I’m assuming they were given a limited
number of songs to choose from – however, we only see a tiny snatch of it and
although she is sent through, expect her to be dispatched again pretty soon.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Next up is Joseph Whelan whose WORLD GOT DESTROYED at boot
camp last year and who has a cute son he may have mentioned this. Sharon asks him to convince her why he should
go through. I presume she meant through
performance, but he does a classic <a href="http://theapprentbitch.blogspot.com/">Apprentice</a>-boardroom-beg-style ‘I’ll give
you everything’. It was just missing the
110%. Shelley and some fodder woman
debate how ‘dreamy’ he is backstage. His
‘Iris’ is croaky and affected and he’s not even good enough to be Brookstein,
but given their similarities in personality, style and entitlement, I look
forward to seeing how his relationship with Sharon will pan out. Gary says his lower range needs work but his
upper range is good, Louis says he would put him through. Sharon says she doesn’t need wimps, at which
the audience boo and she retorts ‘don’t you dare!’ because she’s come to her ‘own’
decision, which is to give a fake-out I’m sorry and send him through to a soundtrack
of MOAR EMILY SUNDAY.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sharon only has three seats left, which is not very tough
given how few overs are left to sing for them.
Tomorrow, see who goes through and what happens to the boys and the
groups. Join us for that!</div>
Radhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17031764260176803659noreply@blogger.com2