Out on the Motown

Live Shows Week 9/Top Four – 2 December 2011

Hello! And welcome to the week that is the week before the final that seems to be a bit early this year, but then everyone seems to go on that Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year, so why should the X Factor be an exception?

So it’s the semi final. I’ve been watching a lot of Beavis and Butthead recently, so I can’t let this occasion pass without saying ‘hurr, semi’. [OH DEAR. - Steve] It is nearly the final, so tonight we should expect lots of ‘You deserve to be in the final’ platitudes, alongside smashing it and making the song your own. Ok, brace yourself, it’s time to get down to business.

Your Saturday night starts, as it always does, with a recap.

So, Last week... Final five! The ManyMishasMirrorTunnel of Doom! Janet forgot the words and Louis helpfully pointed it out! AmeliaLILY did lots of bellowing! Marcus had ABS! BixMIX represented ALL WOMEN! Kelly did lots of WHOOPING in lieu of actually giving a shit and Funsponge was a funsponge. X Factor maths time tells us that five take away one is four, and thousands of people take away lots of people equals four. You all got that, good.

It’s out of the judges hands now though, as now it’s all down to the public vote and we get to decide which three (four minus one) acts will get through to the WEMBLEY FINAL. We see Tulisa tell BixMIX that it’s a tough week. AmeliaLILY wants to be in the final so much. Misha is within touching distance and this is helpfully illustrated by her reaching out her hand in rehearsals. She doesn’t want it to end. Marcus and Funsponge are very excited.

We are introduced to the remaining four acts (five minus one) as Funsponge tells us it’s out of his hands. WELL THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT.

IT’S TIME! TO FACE! MY FINAL LIVE SHOW RECAP THIS SERIES! *gets the party poppers out*

Tulisa tells us that nobody is safe and everyone’s got to work. Kelly can’t believe it’s the ‘fricking’ semi finals and her girls are going to bring it. We’ll see.

God, these titles are long.

It’s the start of our Saturday night. Dermot comes out with some dancing girls and does his most appalling dance yet, which culminates in the most embarrassing butt wiggle in the history of mankind which makes me want to eat my own face off. Who decided that Dermot dancing was a thing? Can we have them shot please? [I think someone in production was rewatching his BBLB tapes and decided to bring back what they perceived to be his 'schtick' - Rad] NotLouis managed to save us from it for so many years. Suit watch – Terrible, but you knew that. It’s a black dinner jacket with a handkerchief in the pocket that is folded in such a way that it looks like he’s tucked his shopping list in there. One can only imagine it says “Pointy shoes, ill fitting trousers and a sense of shame”. He’s wearing a World AIDS Day ribbon though, so he gets points for that as much as I hate to give him points for anything other than rubbishness, though he has had several thousand rubbishness points from me. Dermot reminds us of the WEMBLEY FINAL and the LIFE CHANGING RECORDING CONTRACT. I notice that they’re using the word Recording rather than Record. Is that pertinent? Answers on a postcard.

Anyway, this week the theme is one Motown Classic and one song that will get them to the final. I’m glad their being honest about the latter theme anyway, which is basically ‘songs’. Dermot says that they better be good this week because they’re facing the toughest judges ever, the GBP. The judges can say whatever they want, but they have no say in who is through to the final. Can we just get rid of them then? Please? Santa? Anyone?

Dermot introduces the judges. They all come out holding hands to that song about War being good for nothing. They’re all holding hands for the first time in ages. Louis Walsh looks lovely if a bit bewildered in a black suit and black tie. Tulisa is wearing a floor length purple number which is sleeveless so it allows her to do her stupid arm salute. Kelly is in a black and white number which seems a bit nondescript for this point in the competition and Funsponge is wearing a blue shiny number and seems to have nicked Ste from Hollyoaks’ haircut.

Dermot tells us that even though they can’t vote [the producers must be feeling much more confident about who will be in the final on viewer votes alone than they were last year, then - Rad], they’ve still got their opinions. No shit. We’re going to Kelly, who’s guaranteed a finalist. More maths. Kelly tells us that her girl will be taking us back to Motown. I wonder what finalist has perfected a time machine? It’s Misha B! Misha B was upset to be in the bottom two again. It was like a bad dream, but she survived and is in the semi finals. We see Misha B meet the Bieber and it’s amazing. He looks over at her, shakes her hand and she stands there pointing at him with a gigantic smile on her face that is very obviously taking the piss. It’s a lovely moment. She also talks lots about the charity single and is very happy that it’s number one in the midweek charts. She gives us the full lowdown on the charity and says that they went to the hospice in Guildford and it was the highlight of her life. Aww.

Kelly then pops up and tells us that Motown week was made for Misha and tonight she’s going to SMASH IT. Humble Misha, who is now humble, says no such thing, humbly. She says that when she first began singing it was all the Motown greats that inspired her. She says that once you hear the song that she’s going to sing tonight and the message in the song you’ll have no other choice than to get up out of your seat. The song is all about celebrating good music and music is what makes us smile. She then asks us to imagine a world without music. I couldn’t imagine a world without music but I can quite easily imagine one without the X Factor... Can you imagine that? Just picture it.

Sorry, went off a bit there. Misha will give it all she has and will sing her heart out, because she wants to be in the final. Will she do it? In short, probably not. The Bully business has tainted her since the first moment Tulisa opened her mouth. It starts with a voiceover that she feels like “DAHNSING” and the camera is on some dancers in the back of the studio. Misha then launches into a performance of Dancing in the Street wearing some ACTUAL RECORDS. She runs around the stage like a demented, broken Tina Turner, making her own Will Smith Wikki-Wah noises and nicking Marcus’ “WOO!” after every line style. The only plus is that there are no plinths involved. She’s accompanied by lots of dancers and flashing lights. It’s good, but just good.

Louis goes first and helpfully orientates us to the situation by telling Misha she’s Misha B, she’s in the Semi Final and it’s Motown week. Thanks Louis! She’s original, authentic and a unique talent and everyone in Manchester should vote for her because she deserves to be in the final. Oh Louis, you’re just phoning this in now and I love you for it. If Berry Gordy was alive he would totally sign her. [Which is a strange thing to say, because last time I checked, Berry Gordy wasn't dead. - Steve]

Tulisa wonders what she can say. How about “Sorry for ruining the tiny chance you had, Misha?” How’s that for a start, LADY BOSS? Tulisa thinks that the theme was suited to her and it’s crunch time. She feels she’s had better performances, but that was good enough to get her through. Funsponge says that Misha is the reason he wanted to be a judge [yes, I'm sure it had nothing to do with the cash and the exposure and the massive ego boost - Steve] and he thanks her for making his experience positive. Kelly, who all honesty seems a little bit drunk, says that after that performance the dancing just won’t be in the street, it will be on the roof, on the ride home and presumably a little jig and a giggle on the walk to your bedroom, Kelly. She thinks it was fantastic because she had fun.

Dermot wonders how she keeps doing it. I don’t know, Dermot, you’re probably best placed to answer questions about how people can sleep at night, cos you manage it. The crowd chant for Misha and she just says she’s having fun. Dermot THE CARD jokes about how the records she’s wearing are probably Jedward and Peter Andre.

After the break, AmeliaLILY and BixMIX. There is an advert to audition for next year. Do you want to be a ratings puppet? APPLY NOW!

Adverts!

Dermot welcomes us back to the Semi Final and the second of the girls, so we are back to Kelly. Kelly looks like someone has farted at her. She’s giving someone evils but it is not clear who. With a look that can only be described as disturbed, she remembers that the camera is on her and shouts “OH MY GOD, Y’ALL” and asks us if we’re ready for AmeliaLILY. I’m not. I’d like more time. One needs to be prepared to be bellowed at by a legs akimbo teenager with the face of an old lady. AmeliaLILY is inexplicably wearing some fake ears in her VT and tells us that she was very happy with her performances last week and does a little dance to show us how happy she is to be in the semi finals. AmeliaLILY is the recipient of the Going into HMV and looking at the single on the shelf VT this year, and she does so as she tells us in voiceover that she can’t believe how much her life has changed. She feels like a popstar and she can’t believe she can buy a record with her on it in the shops. Neither can I. Her voice changes to one that’s trying so hard to be natural that it’s obvious she’s reading off a piece of paper as she tells us that’s she’s EVEN performed on stage with JLS and Wand Erection. She says it was great to perform with her X Factor Family and was stood so close to Wand Erection she could pretend to be the sixth member. Kelly tells us she’s picked a classic song for Motown Week. AmeliaLILY tells us she’s going to be singing Ain’t No Mountain High Enough which was made famous by Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye and Kelly thinks if anyone can do it it’s her. She says that she can really identify with the lyrics because it’s about aspiring to achieve your dreams and that’s what she’s doing. It’s a big song and she’s going to give it her everything. MAKE IT YOUR OWN, AMELIALILY, you forgot that one.

AmeliaLILY shakes it up a bit by wearing her hair up and doing a bit of walking before she stands on a plinth legs akimbo and bellows out the song with almost no understanding of what she’s singing about. She then, wait for it, MOVES FROM THE PLINTH and walks to the edge of the stage to sing with her legs akimbo. She’s surrounded by dancers that are all dressed up as Skater Boi era Avril Lavigne, even the boys. Oh hang on, she’s back on the plinth and there’s a choir. She’s still got her legs apart though, relax. Will this hell never end? Oh, it has.

Louis thinks she’s got great popstar potential (DRINK), everyone in Middlesborough should vote for her (DRINK) and that she reminds him of a little Christina Aguilera and Kelly Clarkson (DRINK THE BOTTLE, become an alcoholic, go to AA and start again) She’s only 17 (DRINK) and she killed the song (DRINK) [agreed - Rad] and she deserves to be in the final (DRINK). Tulisa thinks AmeliaLILY brought Motown to life, because it’s obviously dead. [It is to Tulisa the Aretha-denier. This is basically Songs Tulisa Won't Have Heard Of week. - Steve] I think she means up to date. Do you mean up to date, Tulisa? HMM? It’s exactly what she’d expect to see at this stage of the competition and if that doesn’t get her through to the final, she doesn’t know what will. Funsponge was intrigued to see how she would get on because she’s a rock/pop singer and not a soul singer, but he was wrong because she did really well. She wows them every week and it was an amazing performance. Kelly then shouts out some random things related to Motown then says AmeliaLILY. She then shouts something about being on fire and sounding amazing. I think Kelly’s broken again. Dermot asks her how she’s feeling. AmeliaLILY thanks the judges. Dermot says something about her being a rock singer and AmeliaLILY replies that she’ll do anything. We know that, love. She urges the judges to throw songs at her and she’ll do them. I can think of lots of things I would want to throw at her, and none of them are songs. Dermot asks her if she thinks she can go all the way. We know she will. With ArseTAT, if the rumours are true. Dermot then makes reference to Louis making a comparison. Louis says “Christina Aguilera, Kelly Clarkson, She’s seventeen” like someone’s granddad who has been awoken in the middle of a game of Chess and just shouts out “CHECKMATE”. Dermot is happy that Louis has made a comparison that makes sense. AmeliaLILY licks her teeth and leaves the stage.

Dermot then urges us to get involved on Twitter and Facebook and download the X Factor app, which for some reason is available on Blackberry now but still not on Android according to Dermot. Sort it OUT.

It’s the groups, and it’s Tulisa’s little muffins, BIXMIX! We see them crying over Beautiful last week as The BIXMIX ARE FRIENDS AND REPRESENT WIMMINZ EVERYWHERES manifesto continues. Kelly spouts some bullshit backstage about their ‘bond’ being similar to that of Destiny’s Child. Best keep it believable eh, X Factor? Beyonce and Kelly were mates from when they were tots if I remember correctly, I thinks that’s a step too far. [I hope this means they're due to have a number of line-up changes rivalling those of Sugababes and The Risk. - Steve] Tiny Amelle BixMIX tells us that this week they have been mostly at the premiere of Hugo, and that everyone was screaming for them. We see St Jesy of the chunky girls signing an autograph and they all make a big deal about seeing Prince Charles. Zool BixMIX says she’s sure that Charles said he was backing them. There’s a montage of them being interviewed and they can’t believe it BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS WHO LIKE TO SING AND THEY CAN’T BELIEVE THAT BEING ON THE RED CARPET WOULD MAKE PEOPLE WANT TO TALK TO THEM, THEY’RE JUST TOO BUSY HAVING HARMONIES THAT ARE A TOUCH AWAY FROM EN VOGUE AND REPRESENTING WIMMINS TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE FAMOUS.

Someone pass me a sick bucket. The other BixMIX says that people have been talking to them about winning and they just can’t believe that they’ve got this far. Amelle BixMIX says the best part of the premiere was singing at the after party. For you, maybe. They all reflect on how much their lives have changed due to the X Factor. They’re doing the Supremes for Motown week. OF COURSE YOU ARE. Tulisa tells us that someone has told her that The Supremes are the ultimate girlband so BixMIX are in their element this week. Zool BixMIX spins out the party line about how amazing it is for a girl group to be in the X Factor final. Tulisa spouts off about how proud she is and how they have to be in the final.

Here’s BixMIX! They are on a Plinth that has STAIRS with lights coming up it. Amelle BixMIX seems to have the lion’s share of the vocal, then Other BixMIX starts and does a talky bit that has aspirations to be a HAPPY CHRISTMAS JLS moment, but falls so, so short. It’s a serviceable performance, but I can’t help but be charmed. I think it’s because they represent me and I’m pretty sure that they won’t try and steal my boyfriend. Oh god, they’ve got me. [You're fired. Especially since this was the worst they've been vocally for weeks. - Steve]

Louis first, he makes a gigantic meal of the fact that if they do make it to the final, they’ll be the first girl group to do so. He thinks there’s something missing, perhaps their Mojo, and they’ve got a lot more to give and they should bring it for the second song. Kelly thinks that they have given better vocal performances and she thought they would have brought it a bit more. Funsponge is one of their biggest fans but he wants to say that Zool BixMIX is the best singer and she should be a lead singer. [As she pretty much has been for several weeks. Get with the programme, Gary. - Steve] Zool BixMIX shakes her head at this, and Tulisa says that BixMIX represent four different strong individuals that come together and don’t want to have a lead vocalist because they love each other. Louis says that in the Supremes, Diana Ross was the lead singer. Tulisa replies that they’re not the Supremes, they’re BixMIX. You said it, lady. I get what this is. This is the bit where all the judges say that BixMIX are rubbish so the public go NO THEY’RE NOT THEY REPRESENT WIMMINS AND ME SO I’M GOING TO VOTE FOR THEM TO SHOW THAT MEAN OLD LOUIS WALSH. Yawn. This show is so unbelievably transparent at times you can read the paper through it.

Tulisa then does an “at the end of the day” bit, which is about them still being in the competition. Dermot asks BixMIX how they’re feeling. Amelle really enjoyed it and they will show off in the next song, but Zool will have more in the next song which will hopefully shut Funsponge up. Dermot then asks Zool BixMIX what she made of the comments, and she trots out the party line about them being a democracy, because they ARE ALL EQUAL JUST LIKE WOMEN. Dermot tries to calm everyone down by saying that the judges were at least being constructive. Kelly says that in a girl group there is always a lead singer [I could just picture Nadine Coyle's 'yeah, take that, Cheryl' face as he said this - Rad] and Tulisa throws her hands up in the air, but turns it in to a clap. Dermot urges us all to vote for BixMIX and says that they have set the bar high and that Marcus will be representing Liverpool after the break.

Adverts! Marks and Sparks are now inviting us to spend some time with JLS. I think I could deal with that. I wonder how many times Happy Christmas JLS will say Happy Christmas for me before getting annoyed? I bet ten.

We’re back. Blah semi final. There’s a man painted pink with Vote AmeliaLILY written on his chest. We’re over to Funsponge who may have lost the power to vote, but he hasn’t lost the power to melt hearts or indeed, the power of speech. He rolls his eyes at the pink man and introduces Marcus. Marcus was happy with his performances, he can’t believe he’s made it this far and he’s grateful for everyone who voted for him. I can’t help but think that Marcus was grown in a lab as some kind of generic ultimate X Factor winner experiment. We see him shooting the video. He can’t believe he was in the queue to audition a few months ago and now he’s shooting a video. See! He says all the right things. He’s always dreamed of being in a music video. He couldn’t be happier that it’s Motown week because it’s his favourite genre of music. And here’s Robbie Williams! Robbie offers Marcus some advice, with Funsponge standing beside him to make sure he toes the line. Robbie tells him to go out there and get it, and he has to believe in himself because if he doesn’t nobody will believe in hi...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Robbie acknowledges that there will be some nerves but he should use them for fuel. As opposed to Red Bull and Pro Plus, I assume. He tells Marcus to go out and be a lion because he’s the best. He tells him that he’s a very handsome man and Marcus returns the compliment. Funsponge then wants to be told he’s handsome. Marcus says that he wants to smash it, whilst Funsponge gives him a double thumbs up in rehearsal.

Marcus is doing My Girl without a dash of irony. He’s got backing singers and is wearing a bow tie and a baseball jacket and does a little WOO! at the end of nearly every line. When he’s not doing his WOO!’s I spend most of my time shouting JUST SING IT at the television. He does it EXACTLY in the style that Robbie did it when Take That did their Motown Medley when they were the proper Take That in the 90’s. It’s full of high bits, long notes and slowed down bits and I can’t help but feel it would be better if he took my advice and JUST BLOODY SANG THE THING.

Marcus finishes, and Funsponge is up out of his seat encouraging the crowd to cheer. He’s shameless. Louis then calls Marcus the little soul boy from Liverpool, he loves his vocal, thinks he’s the perfect popstar and hopes he goes through to the final. Tulisa thinks he looks handsome in his jacket and thinks the vocal and the style was amazing and she loves him to bits. Kelly thinks he had a rough start but he smoothed it out. She then says that she was hoping he was singing to her. Twice. Is she drunk or just off her head tonight? Funsponge thinks he does it every week and it was authentic, smooth and fantastic and he’s proud. Dermot calls him a smoothie and asks him how it was. He says it’s amazing. Dermot then asks him about his audition and did he ever think that he’d be where he was now. He never dreamed that he could get to this stage and he wants to get to the final.

The lines open. We’re only halfway for tonight. Halfway! We’re told again that tonight the judges have no say. We have a recap of the performances so far, before round two. After the break! Songs that the acts believe will get them to the final. Brace yourselves.

Everyone ready for round two? I’m not sure I am. Dermot welcomes us back and mentions the words Semi Final again. We’re starting with Misha, who is adhering to the general theme of ‘Songs which have been on Glee this week’, according to reports and will be singing Perfect by Pink tonight. Kelly introduces her by saying ‘My goodness’. We see her X Factor journey. She’s entered the X Factor because she wants to be a successful recording artist *snork*. Her life before the X Factor was the busy, soulless 9-5 of college and family. [Who on earth goes to college from nine to five? - Steve] Bootcamp was one of the best moments of their life and she couldn’t believe that people had her hands out for her. She can’t believe she sang for Jennifer Hudson at Kelly’s house because she was expecting Beyonce she’s so inspirational and that’s what dreams are made of. Kelly thinks that she’s improved every week. The experience could change her life and her family’s life and she feels so good to be in a positon where she can give back. She’s in touching distance and she doesn’t want it to end.

Misha seems to be singing this one straight. She’s sitting on the stage and is in an unfortunate position in relation to a smoke machine which makes her look like she’s farting out a gigantic cloud. It starts out slow, and I keep hoping that it will get a bit faster or rockier but it seems to have been Ballided in the middle. The most exciting it gets is when it turns a bit rappy when the violins kick in, but it’s still very firmly in ballid territory. Disappointing.

Louis starts the critique, looking very red eyed. He tells her that in order to be successful you have to stand out from the crowd, and she does. She’s got a perfect recording voice and she needs to make it through to the final. He can’t understand why she’s been in the bottom two because she’s a major talent. CLUE – Look to your left, Louis. Tulisa says her performance was real and true, and she connected to the song and everyone connected to her when she connected to the song. I’m sure there was an easier way to say that. Tulisa thinks that it’s really important for her to know that she can sell records and that Tulisa would buy it. Funsponge says that he was positive earlier, so now he’s going to be negative. He’s witnessed her journey and he’s a bit sad that she’s been accused of being something she’s not and he doesn’t think that she can win because of that.

HALLE-FLIPPING-LUJAH. FINALLY. Someone other than us has recognised the sabotage of Misha B for what it was. She’s not going to win. She’s been in the bottom two practically every week since she was accused of bullying and it’s not bloody fair. As much as it pains me to agree with Funsponge, he’s hit the nail on the head and I’m glad he’s said it out loud. Misha knows this, of course, and looks broken from the stage as it’s spoken out loud. Not even Kelly can bring herself to disagree with this, and tells her that she’ll be a star no matter what happens. It pains me that we can’t see Tulisa’s face right now, because I want to see her look suitably ashamed.

Dermot tells her that she can’t do any more and asks her how she’s feeling. She’s grateful for the opportunity to make her dreams a reality and to have a mentor like Kelly Rowland. Dermot asks her how she would feel to get through to the final. She says that would be the dream, and that’s what it is. For shame.

Kelly again, and AmeliaLILY is ready to bring the house down. Her life has changed so much, etc. Montage of family snapshots. We see her audition again. She’d never been away from home before going away to bootcamp and she’s had to grow up fast. Blah blah, second chance. I couldn’t be less interested in AmeliaLILY, does it show? She’s one big, gigantic pink haired snoozefest.

She’s on a plinth with stairs, which seems to be the theme this week. She’s in front of a gigantic eyeball. She’s got a long skirt on so we can’t see if her legs are apart or not, but I’m assuming that they are. She’s singing “I’m With You” by Avril Lavigne. I say singing, but you know what I mean. Dull, dull dull. Ooh, wind machine! Still dull.

Louis says she is the X Factor and that was the best vocal of the night. He wants people to vote for her and he wants to see her in the final. He tells Kelly she has to make the final and Kelly gives him the side eye. Tulisa says that that is one of her favourite songs of all time and she was worried that nobody could do it like Avril but she pulled it off because the song needs to be sung like a story. I must have missed that bit. Funsponge disagrees that it was the best vocal of the night. Louis says it was to him and Funsponge remarks that that doesn’t mean much. SAUCER OF MILK. His problem is that the shouty voice is good but her quiet voice needs work. He says he could give her a sheetful of advice but at the end of the day she’s only seventeen. Who prodded Funsponge? He’s not happy now. Kelly slurs some stuff about seventeen only being a number and that her pipes are powerful and beautiful and she’s proud. Dermot accuses Funsponge of splitting hairs and he agrees, but it is the Semi Finals and he’s giving criticism so she can improve. Vote Amelia!

Marcus after the break, so BixMIX can get the pimp spot, eh? I like it. Adverts! Inordinate number of adverts for electronic devices.

Gary’s last remaining boy is next when we return. Which I pointed out last week on twitter was a phrase riddled with unfortunate implications, but Dermot’s still using it. Funsponge just says MARCUS COLLINS COME ON! Marcus says that just a few months ago he was a hairdresser working nine to five. Do hairdressers generally work 9-5? Aren’t some open in the evening? [Jesus Christ. From now on nobody on this show is allowed to say "nine to five" unless it's Dolly Parton week, Sheena Easton week, or Lady Sovereign week. - Steve] He can’t put it into words about how much his life has changed, and that people look at him like he’s famous now. We see him at the British Hairdressing Awards (really) with the X Factor Hairdresser. The British Hairdressing Awards must either be really prestigious, or Jonathan Ross has fallen on some serious hard times, because he’s presenting them. The X Factor hairdresser won, bless. Funsponge wants him in the final because he wants to change his life for him. Oh Funsponge, you tedious, patronising DICK. It’s ok though, because Marcus hits back that Gary has become a father figure to him and he looks up to him and letting him down isn’t an option. Marcus tells us that winning would change his life completely, as he won’t have to brush floors or make tea in the salon any more. If you have been affected by any of the stories of these poor hairdressers that you have seen tonight, please contact our helpline on 0845 845 STFU.

Marcus is singing “Feel It” by Michael Jackson. For a brief moment I hope it’s going to be the chimney song, but no such luck [now you're making me want to rewatch Britain's Got the Pop Factor - Rad]. He’s on a plinth that comes down from the ceiling which seems to be a bit of a health and safety risk as he doesn’t seem to be attached to it in any way. Again, he needs to just sing it. No whoops please, Marcus. You still have a shred of my respect and you might want to keep it.

Funsponge is on his feet again, trying to get more claps. Louis says he’s been consistent, but he’s not sure it was the right song. Tulisa agrees with Louis but still thinks he’s a star and he wasn’t meant to be a hairdresser cos he belongs on the stage. Kelly loves him but it wasn’t his best vocal because he was trying too hard. She still loves him and she’s only being constructive. Funsponge elects to speak for the audience at home, which I resent. He says he was amazing and he looked and sounded great. Funsponge thinks he’s going to the final and hopes he wins. Dermot calls the judges bar Gary party poopers and asks Marcus whether he thinks it was the right song. He liked it because the bassline touched him and it made him want to move. He acknowledges that his vocal wasn’t exact but he wants to keep going. Damn Marcus, I like you, but I don’t know whether the X Factor doctrine is making me like you or I actually do. I hate this show sometimes. It’s so confusing.

Adverts! Stacey Solomon must be freezing in her party dress in that car without a coat.

Dermot welcomes us back and mentions Wembley again, but no semi final mention. Tulisa introduces her little muffins. St Jesy, the patron saint of girls who are not dangerously skinny remarks how mad it was that they weren’t even a group to begin with. Amelle BixMIX can’t even remember auditioning by herself. St Jesy was working in a bar this time last year dreaming of being a performer. Zool BixMIX was panicking because she didn’t know what to do after leaving college. Other BixMIX was working in Pizza Hut. Amelle BixMIX remembers telling her teacher that she wanted to be a pop star and the teacher making a face. SEE HOW DIVERSE THEY ARE? THEY REPRESENT US. Tulisa remembers BixMIX performing at the first time at judges houses. They remember meeting Jessie J last week because she helped put them through. St Jesy cries in her presence. They felt so lucky to get advice from her. [Just when I thought I couldn't loathe BixMix more, they cite Jessie J as an inspiration. - Steve] They all agree that the X Factor is one of the best experiences of their lives but they also think that meeting each other is too. SEE, THE X FACTOR MAKES FRIENDSHIPS. AWW. They know they can make it to the final.

They’re doing If I Were A Boy. I can’t see if they’re on a plinth or not because there’s too much smoke. Zool BixMIX does the shouty bits because that’s what she’s good at. It’s not their fault that the song is illogical, so I won’t judge them on that. It could have as easily been called “If I weren’t a girly girl”. Honestly, If I were a boy (even just for one day) I’d probably spend the whole time marvelling at the joy of weeing standing up and lifting heavy stuff.

Louis tells them that they’re like a little Girls Aloud or Sugababes, and handily sticks in a reference to Girls Aloud’s tenth anniversary. He liked their second performance better than the first. They’re the next big girl band and they could win but it wasn’t perfect. Kelly loves them, but thinks that they need to find out their individual strengths and play on them. Funsponge thinks their vocals weren’t up to the standard they should be for a semi final and urges the public to remember their other performances. [Fat chance. I can hardly remember this one, barely 24 hours later. - Steve] Tulisa gets all arm wavy and WTF faced and cuts him off. Tulisa points out there can only be one winner and the public wants the music of BixMIX and urges people to vote based on regional alliances because they’re NOT SAFE. She bashes the table. [When Alesha bashed the table on Strictly Come Dancing this week, she apologised. I noted no such display of manners from Tulisa. - Steve]

Dermot asks them what they think of the comments. Amelle BixMIX says it’s really emotional for them and they don’t want to be perfect yet because there’s still so much to learn.

Dermot reads out the numbers and does some more maths. Boring voting stuff, performance recaps, we decide, you know, the usual.

Tomorrow! Bieber and Kelly ROWLAND. I can barely contain my joy. Join me for the results.