Results Week 9/ Top Four – 4th December 2011
Even though I got fired in my live show recap for falling under the BixMIX spell, I’m back to give you the results. Pray for me, Bitch Factor readers, for I had to watch the Biebster twice to do this and I think that qualifies me for some kind of medal. It surely earns me my reinstatement for tonight, no? [Fine, but you're on probation, lady. - Steve]
We begin with the camera pointing at the floor. It swings up to reveal BixMIX on one side of Dermot, and Marcus MCELDERRY, AmeliaLILY and MishaBYEBYE (I would type SPOILER here, but we all know what’s going to happen) on the other. Marcus has adopted an AmeliaLILY style pose in her honour. There’s a foreboding DUFF noise and Dermot welcomes us to the Semi Final results. He seems to be wearing a black suit again, but seems to have straightened out his hankie which means he’s got his shopping but seems to have, yet again, forgotten to purchase a sense of shame.
The crowd whoops and we get a recap of last night. I hope Tulisa hurt her hand banging it on the table last night, is that wrong? Anyway, we are told YET AGAIN that it’s our vote and our vote alone that decides the result tonight, but first, we have to sit through the Biebs and Kelly doing her awkward singing judge section. Funsponge says “semi final here we come” punctuated by punching at the camera, Louis reminds us that it’s all up to us, and hopes we get it right and Funsponge tells him to go back to his dressing room whilst Kelly laughs, in a segment that can only be designed to make them look like hideous bullies. Louis isn’t bothered though, because he was totally going back to his dressing room to get away from him anyway, so there.
IT’S TIME, TO FACE... oh you know by now. TITLES.
We are introduced to Dermot again, who swings an imaginary bat to the final DUFF of the music, mainly because he’s a twat. He reminds us that the Biebs is coming, and we’ll all have to pretend Kelly Rowland is AMAZING. We’re deciding who’s through to the WEMBLEY FINAL.
He introduces us to the judges, who he hopes without their power will be meek, mild and extrembably polite, the X Factor judges! No hand holding at all tonight. Louis is in a black suit and shirt combo, Tulisa’s in a silver minidress from the Eighties, Kelly’s in a longer shimmery dress which is also silver but she’s wearing it with blue shoes so it’s TOTALLY DIFFERENT and Gary is in his Lord of the Manor usual, but is mixing it up with a flower pin.
Thanks to us, so we’ve only got ourselves to blame, the charity single is now number one. We’re having a group song, which is surely awkward with four acts. We start with BixMIX and I realise that they’re murdering the pop classic, Hold On by Wilson Phillips, which I’m absolutely sure has nothing to do with the DVD release of Bridesmaids. AmeliaLILY and Misha BYEBYE come in and it’s such a girl’s song I wonder where Marcus comes in, but he has the break down bit all to himself. The whole thing seems like a bit of a BixMIX propaganda film. They sing the whole thing to each other, because THEY’RE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS AND THIS IS THE TYPE OF SONGS GOOD FRIENDS SING TO EACH OTHER WHEN THEY’RE OUT BEING GOOD FRIENDS AND NOT STEALING BOYFRIENDS AND REPRESENTING ALL WOMEN. Seriously, I’ve had enough of this now. I read a magazine interview with them yesterday and it was all about how they don’t like to get drunk and they’re good girls and how much they love each other and the whole thing made me want to vomit my insides out. [I really, really hate how obvious the pro BixMIX agenda is and how people seem to actually be falling for it. And I feel really sorry for all four of them as they seem a bit young for all this crap - Rad]
For those who are wondering, AmeliaLILY did finish the song with her legs akimbo, as is the norm and is exactly how things should be. When the song is over the judges get to their feet in what is surely the most contrived standing ovation in the history of the universe.
Recap of last night with backstage reactions next, starting with Motown week. Misha BYEBYE says that X Factor is what dreams are made of and Tulisa thinks that Motown week was made for her. AmeilaLILY loved it, surprisingly and Kelly is proud of her. BixMIX have to do better because they have to get to the final, Louis reiterates almost exactly the same line in the corridor. Tulisa says they will and Kelly all but tells him to STFU and even puts her hand out in a ‘shut up’ gesture. Not nice. Marcus MCELDERRY is painted as a bit cocky backstage. Probably more BixMIX propaganda there. Songs which are songs section next. MishaBYETHEN hopes she’s done enough. AmeliaLILY wants to make it to the final so much she can’t put it into words. You just did love. Louis thinks she shines, shines like a star, shining so bright, like the star that she are. MarcusTERRIBLEPOSTMAN is painted as cocky again, and Funsponge declares attacking the song choice as the lowest form of attack. BOKAY. Cos you’ve NEVER done that. Zool BixMIX is proud of her BixMIX buddies and she knows they can do it. Funsponge doesn’t think they’re up to semi final standard, which is fair.
Dermot tells us that there’s an awful lot of nail biting going on backstage and invites us to join him for another episode of World’s Shortest and Most Pointless Satellite Link. He talks to Marcus first. Dermot asks him about three questions at once and he answers the last one which is about whether he is nervous. YOU JUST SAID EVERYONE WAS NERVOUS, SHEESH MAN. He asks how AmeliaLILY would feel if she made the final and she thinks it would literally be the best thing that could happen to her. She’s been on a JOURNEY and she wants to get to the end. Misha BUHBYE is asked the same question and gives pretty much the same answer. Dermot then tells BixMIX that no girls have ever made it to the final. He corrects himself, but the statement has only recently been as pointless as the one about girl bands. Amelle BixMIX who is the spokesperson on the matters of how they are feeling spouts something about how it’s all amazing and she hopes people keep voting for them. Dermot wishes them all luck.
After the break, BIEBER. Adverts. That New Years Eve film looks like it’s treading the so bad it’s good/total car crash line verrrrry carefully.
And we’re back. We’re reminded that Bieber is only seventeen. His montage boasts 13 MILLION WORLDWIDE ALBUM SALES, PLATINUM ALBUM IN 26 COUNTRIES, 23 MILLION SINGLE SALES and finally, OVER 2 BILLION YOUTUBE HITS. I was hoping that NOT THE DADDY would have been added on there, but sadly, no.
The Biebs is dressed up as Michael Jackson, complete with leather gloves, singing a cod reggae song that Olly Murs would have dismissed as a step too cheesy. It’s more Sid Owen that Shabba Ranks. More John Alford than Alton Ellis. Are you getting the point here? It’s AWFUL. [And about the least Christmassy a Christmas song could be - Rad] The only positive I can glean from the whole experience is that he’s lost the backwards hair, probably heard that BISCUIT copied it. The most exciting thing that has happened so far is that he’s sat on a bench. I really don’t have the words for how bad the lyrics are. It rhymes “I know” with “Mistletoe” and has the word “shorty” in it lots. He does a really embarrassing bit where he sits on the judges desk then sings at Kelly. He sings at Tulisa with a little less conviction and I’m 99% sure he winks at Louis.
Dermot is sent out on stage to interview him. He looks like a man with a gun to his head, which to all intents and purposes he is. Dermot tells off the Bieber for flirting with the judges again and he apologises that it’s a habit which is a kind of dodgy thing to say as that lady said that he likes older wom[REDACTED BY BITCH FACTOR LAWYERS]. Dermot says that’s who the Bieber is. Justin plugs his new album and it’s all over. Thank goodness for that.
After the break, KELLY ROWLAND. Audition for next year, will you? KTHANX. Adverts! That advert for Black Mirror must’ve been pricey...
And we’re back, but WHAT’S THIS? There’s a vacant seat on the judging table. It’s KELLY TIME. But not, because Dermot wants to speak to the judges. Louis is asked as the impartial judge who shone and he thinks it’s AmeliaLILY. Dermot makes reference to Tulisa’s desk bashing and says it was because she’s so passionate about BixMIX. She is. She prays that people are voting for them because they deserve it. Dermot loves her shoulder pads. Dermot calls Marcus Funsponge’s boy again and asks if he thinks he’s done enough. Funsponge thinks that his second song wasn’t as good as his first then makes reference to how consistent he’s been. Is that apart from last night? I don’t understand.
Dermot gives us our five minute warning then notes that a judge is missing because they are performing. He gives Louis a little hug and tells him his time will come. Dermot introduces Kelly as a Multi Million selling popstar from America who we have adopted as our own, the X Tacter’s (sic) very own Kelly Rowland! The Kelly montage consists mainly of Destiny’s Child. 80 MILLION RECORDS SOLD, 20 BILLBOARD MUSIC AWARDS AND 5 GRAMMY AWARDS probably refers to them too.
Kelly is descending from the ceiling. My god, she’s doing a talky bit. It’s too good not to transcribe.
“I’ve been here for a while, when I was a child I was destined to be. Look at me now. I command this. I’ve seen a lot and I’ve heard a lot and I wasn’t sure what to expect, but now, I can feel the love”. Cue ‘When Love Takes Over’ kicking in. It continues... “It’s time to give it back. I love you, UK. Are you ready? Here I am.” All delivered without an ounce of self awareness. She’s wearing a corset made out of sparkle which seems to have a tail on it. The stage is all smoke and lasers then she takes off her corset, strips down to sparkly underwear and begins to sing ‘Work’ then it goes into ‘Down for Whatever’. It’s an Honest to goodness medley about making love on the floor and getting creative. It is a medley, but as the marvellous @SophieHaII pointed out on twitter, was sadly missing this Rowland Gem, which once made me cry in an alcohol and hormone fuelled state. She’s COULD’VE BEEN A MOVIE STAR BUT HER LIFE WAS STOLE. Anyway, Kelly’s doing some BeyonceDancing, only slightly less convincingly and we finish on a bit of ‘Commander’. I’m not entirely sure what just happened, but Dermot says “Kelly Rowland” then “Thanks Kelly Rowland” then asks her if her dancers were fit enough and if they were mail order. She replies that she loves her dancers. He then asks her if this is her day job, and she replies that so many people helped to make it a great performance, especially the people from her label.
Her album is out tomorrow! COINCIDENCE. Dermot asks Louis what he thought and Louis thinks she put it down, girl. A nation groans. She reminds him of a young Tina Turner.
Lines are closed! After the break, who’s in the final? Win a JLS holiday etc. Adverts! Oh look, the Boots Adverts can get more awful and BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES, THEY’VE GIVEN PEREZ HILTON A SHOW. *Orders some Kool Aid and a religious zealot*
We’re back! So who’s going into the final? One final round of vote begging, even though the lines are closed. AmeliaLILY still can’t put it into words. Kelly thinks she is someone who stood out from the beginning so she ditched her in the first live show, but that’s glossed over. She wants to be in the final for her family too. Kelly thinks she’s got an amazing voice. Amelia likens being in the final to a dream becoming reality because it’s her ambition to win.
Marcus didn’t know he would get this far when he first auditioned, but Funsponge knew all along. He applied because he wanted to better the lives of himself and his family. He’s grown so much over the weeks as a person and a performer and being in the final would be out of this world. Funsponge thinks he has to be in the final because he can sing, dance and entertain. Marcus has dreamed of this for years and years and he would be devastated to go home so close to the end.
Kelly was blown away by Misha B the first time she heard her sing and she gets excited every time she gets on stage because she knows she’s going to bring something exciting. Misha says getting the yes was the best feeling and she can’t believe out of the thousands that auditioned she’s in the final four. Kelly makes reference to her having a hard time on the show but she’s watched her grow as a person and an artist. Misha wants to be in the final and doesn’t want it snatched away.
Sorry, I know we’re nearly finished, but what is the point of this section? The lines are closed now, aren’t they. Sorry, was being silly there, there is no point. On to BixMIX. Tulisa remembers their first performance. Amelle BixMIX tells the other BixMIXES that she loves them and does a cry. They’re so real! Tulisa hammers home the point that they’re not just singers, they’re normal girls and BEST FRIENDS. Amelle BixMIX doesn’t know what she’d do without the other MIXES. It would mean so much for them to get to the final.
But never mind all that, the results are in. Everyone is back on stage with their mentors. BixMIX look like the girls do in Taken when they’re being brought to the auction. Dermot wishes everyone luck.
First one through is...BixMIX. There’s lots of screaming. Also through is Marcus. He and Funsponge do a little dance whilst Kelly does a ‘come ON’ face. Dermot points out they’re both Kelly’s acts, but only one of them is going through. It’s AmeliaLILY. Told you! Amelia tells Misha she loves her and has to be dragged off.
We see Misha’s X Factor journey, from unpolished to fierce, to cowed and back to semi-fierce again. Misha wants to thank everyone at the X Factor as the crowd chant her name. She thanks Kelly as the best mentor in the world and thanks everyone for sticking by her. Dermot calls her one of the most creative acts they’ve ever had and asks her to sing again.
She starts out with a rap that tells us the B stands for Believe, and that Dermot told her so. She then goes on to sing that Jesse J song again and it marks the third week in a row that it’s appeared on the results show [and yet it still fails to be any cop - Rad]. Good job. Tulisa at least has the decency to cry, because if it wasn’t for her, Misha B would definitely be in the final.
Dermot reminds us that four minus one is three and brings them out on to the stage. They all hop about. Dermot wants to know how they’re all feeling. AmeliaLILY can’t believe it and thanks everyone who voted for her. He reminds BixMIX that they’re the first girl group to make the final. St Jesy tells them that they can’t believe it before tearily thanking everyone for voting for them. He calls Marcus fella and he promises that he’ll keep working hard.
Next week, one of those three will win and guests will include Coldplay. Who on earth could resist? [Well... - Steve] Join us then to see how it pans out.
Final thanks to Bitch Factor fan and birthday girl Jill Boyd for the title of this post.