Tamera never knows (the words)

Top 5 Results: 1 December 2013

Last night! Songs that are songs week was back!  This year described as ‘Jukebox’ week!  Borelow’s group were arsey, Nicole’s girl was a Colin Baker tribute act, Sam Bailey took on Whitney and just about came out alive and Louis reigned supreme with two acts left! 

Is it just me, or does Giant X look like it’s playing Angry Birds Star Wars?

Dermot enters to a very unflattering camera shot from below right up his crotch. I thought we were over that now. His suit – single button.  Does not fit. 

The judges arrive. Louis is in a black suit with a pattern on that I quite like; Sharon is in a black dress with chain mail across her bosom and Nicole has come as a black forest with a huge gap in the middle, and has suddenly developed brand new extensions since last night. And Funsponge is here too.

The contestants’ song is Ellie Goulding’s ‘Burn’ and it’s really bad, especially when the women do the high pitched bit and Sam looks like she’s straining to hear the backing track whilst Tamera forgets the words again.

We get a recap of last night. New info: Sam B and Wee Nic are vaguely, kind of, deramped, but only a little bit and are stil mostly praised; Luke and Tamera are treated well and Arsey get a bit of both.  Sharon reckons you can’t pigeonhole Sam B.  I’d say wait until that mothers’ day album of covers followed by a role as Mama Morton, then a tour of Blood Brothers whilst Dead Dad Niki sticks pins in a voodoo doll, with a couple of episodes’ guest stint on Loose Women along the way and maybe a cover of Woman’s Own.

But now!  Time for a “special” guest,  She was a shy young woman with an incredible voice. Well, that’s one word for it. Now she’s CONFIDENT, but, one hopes, not a CONFIDENT MONSTER. [I like how they've airbrushed out of history how her first audition was dreadful and they sent her off to think about what she'd done before coming back - although considering she was equally dreadful the second time around and they still accepted her, I can see why they wouldn't want to draw attention to it. - Steve] It’s Rebecca Ferguson, who apparently has not been erased from history a la Matt Cardle just yet.  Although her sole purpose appears to be to make that terrible group performance seem like a tuneful, competent performance by comparison with this one. Her new song is a total dirge and she is really out of tune and still honks like a goose. This is just DIRE. Its lyrics mainly consist of 'I hope I hope I hope I hope', or as my friend Mark put it on Twitter: I honk I honk I honk I honk. Still, the topless drummers she had on stage with her got Robin Windsor excited on the Twitters. Rebecca shills her tour (who the HELL would go to see that?) and wants Sam Bailey or ‘Tamara’ to win.

Ads: You can see your ‘favourite finalist’ LIVE on tour. Disclaimer: does not apply if your favourite was any of the following: Shelley, Lorna, Tragic Hipster Boyband Abomination, Missed Dynamics.

Durrbot continues the ‘number twos’ theme by telling us Funsponge’s latest album is a great big steaming one. Oh, and Wand Erection are number one.  Durrbot asks who was the best last night.  Louis: Luke; Sharon: Sam and Luke; Funsponge: Sam; Nicole: Tamera. Durrbot asks if anyone has booked themselves a place in the final. Louis says Sam has. Sharon says everyone still needs the votes.

Durrbot introduces our next act as someone who won last year.  The audience have clearly been briefed not to boo, because they all cheer him, and we don’t even get a sincerevoice Durrbot apology on James’s behalf. The hyperbolic text tells us that his LIFE CHANGED FOREVER and he has sold 3 million worldwide (we’re not told 3 million what so maybe it’s 3 million copies of outraged newspapers/magazines). He’s singing from inside a Perspex prison cell full of red light to remind us that he’s been a very bad man lately, which is actually kind of awesome staging, but then he breaks free! James humbleawkward interviews that he’s ‘made silly mistakes’ and wants to thank people for sticking with him including The X Factor and says he’s sorry for abusing his position and not behaving like a proper X Factor winner (LOL).

Ads! A Leona Lewis Christmas album where she squeezes the life out of I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day! Just what everyone needs!

Time for the acts to remind us of their journeys. Tamera was in a duo and now she isn’t! Luke is surprised to have got so far! Sam B is doing it for her family! Wee Nic used to be at school and now he’s here! Arsey don’t want the dream to end! (Now I’m just wishing ArseTAT could come back and join them so they could be Union Arse).

Results time and safe are: Arsey, Sam, Wee Nic. So two acts who’ve previously hit the bottom two hit it again. *Shrugs* [Doesn't that make it officially a SHOCK BOTTOM TWO SCANDAL by this series' logic? - Steve]

Oh why we’ve had a whole second of useful content, so it must be time for the ads! Is Cat Deeley’s NO I DON’T WANNA CUT MY HAIR MUMMY CAN’T MAKE ME shampoo ad thing meant to be her resembling a whiny six year old?

Sing-off time and Tamera is singing ‘The Voice Within’ and you can definitely see why they thought she had potential to be world class, but I still think she’s a couple of years and some proper training away from that yet. It’s rough as all hell but it shows she has some potential and is the best she’s sounded in several weeks. She does the classic sing off bending over double move and screams up her lungs but it's just never the same as when Katie Waissel did it that time.

Luke wheels out the Journey South memorial guitar of irrelevance for his ‘Run’ and then chucks it away and starts stomping around the stage. It’s all quite shouty but he is at least putting in a lot of energy and is quite earnest about the whole thing in that special way that teenage muso boys are.

Nicole says Tamera gave a stunning ‘save me’ performance and Luke is a real giver but she has to send him home. Louis says Luke won the sing-off and he’s easily the best person on the stage, and it’s WRONG, so he’s sending home Tamera. Sharon says she is basing it on the sing-off and there was an ‘organic performance from a singer-songwriter-musician’ so she’s saving Luke and sending Tamera home. 

Funsponge says he’s 50/50 as he likes them both and Sharon and Louis whine at him to decide.  Funsponge says it’s time to invoke FUCKING DEADLOCK for the first time in the series, so sends home Luke. The act with the fewest votes is Tamera, which means Nicole is the first to lose all acts – I thought it was going to be Funsponge, but, as we all expected, it looks like it’ll be Louis/Wee Nic vs Sharon/Sam for the win, unless Arsey can build enough of a following to do something of merit in the final. Tamera’s best bits don’t include much of her lyric forgetting or tabloid scandals. She thanks everyone for the opportunity. Nicole says she will be the most successful star to come out of this show. Somewhere, One Direction (and even Jedward) are all 'Mm-hmmmm'.

Next week! Elton John vs Beyonce week, apparently. And “special” guests Leona LEWIS and Mickey Bubbles!  Join Helen then!

Jukebox fury

Top 5 Performance 30 November 2013

Last week!  The show decided to have a random tenth birthday party in case it doesn't actually live to be 10 years old next year!  Tamera blew her words! (this show is so bizarre this year with its not making its mind up about what we should think of her) Louis became the best mentor of the series by being the last judge with two acts standing! There was a “shock” sing-off (nb not especially) and Hannah went home!

Tonight!  It’s “Jukebox” week, which is the latest euphemism for that perennial favourite, ‘songs that are songs’ week!  And because I’ve been a jammy sod and avoided recapping the last few mercifully short episodes, my punishment is to recap TIME FOR TWO SONGS EACH WEEK!  It’s time to face the thought of this show being two hours long again!

Oh Giant X, please crush me now.

Dermot enters to Salt’n’Pepa’s ‘Whatta Man’ but is sans dancers.  He says ‘we are all about the number two this week… two shows, two songs… that’s a lot of number twos’.  Well how can I make jokes about the acts being shit when you’re doing it for me, Dermot?  Has the show now got to the stage where it’s trolling itself?  I don’t even know what’s going on anymore.  SUITWATCH: Grey with one of those scalloped waistcoat things again and a brown tie that DOES NOT GO.

Cue judges!  Funsponge is in all black; Louis is in velour; Sharon in glittery green-black and Nicole in glittery red with a new, shorter, haircut. Nicole drunkenness state? Well, she’s blowing air kisses and preening herself so I’d say she’s pretty far gone. Dermot tells us that the acts will be singing two songs, one chosen by them and the judges and one chosen by the British public via the app. He gets so excited that a million votes were cast on the app. I’m guessing audience participation levels are somewhat down this year. (If only they released vote numbers and not just percentages at the end of every series).

First up is Nicholas, whose song choices were a bit boring (Amazed, The Prayer and Just the Way You Are). Louis reminds us that wee Nic is from SCOTLAND. Why, he even has a Scottish ring tone! Louis rings him to tell him the public voted for Just the Way You Are. Wee Nic almost cries because it’s a song he’s actually heard of for once and it reminds him of his little sister. He tells her the song choice via the medium of a video call on a HANDY AND ATTRACTIVE TABLET, then watched his performance back via the magic of a YOUVIEW box. He then flips back to the tablet to watch other YOUNG performers like Justin Bieber and Wand Erection to get some inspiration.

His opening ‘ooohs’ are very scratchy with some croaky notes, but he does get better as he gets into the song though it still has some bum notes in.  Other than that, I don’t know what to say about it – the lighting was colourful but a bit boring, the staging was boring, the performance was competent but unmemorable, the audience go mental. Sharon reminds us that he is now SEVENTEEN and says he is dependable but the ‘inner wee Nic’ now has to come out and be like a lion. I would have thought his inner animal was a hamster, myself (something which Sharon goes on to imply by telling him to move his little legs up and down the stage). Sharon’s grasp of pig Latin remains as strong as ever, telling him to say ‘nixay’ to anyone who makes him stand still and he isn’t quite there with the performance. The audience both cheer and boo at this. Funsponge says he needs to take a risk and it’s too middle of the road for him. HOLD THE FRONT PAGE. Can there actually be such a thing as too middle of the road for Gary MOR Barlow? Nicole liked it anyway and said he connected with the lyrics more than ever. Louis says he has a god-given gift and has a natural recording voice. Durrbot asks Wee Nic what he thinks about the judges’ comments. Wee Nic wants to get ready for his next song. Durrbot asks if we’ll see his inner lion, and then calls him Simba. Is Durrbot deliberately trolling tonight? (Although he did basically nick that joke off Brucie on Strictly earlier. And when you nick jokes from Bruce, then...)

Sharon says next up is ‘a lioness’ – Sam B. She says Whitney Houston is one of her idols so she is excited about singing ‘How Will I Know’. Now, I’m glad Sam gets to go up-tempo for once, and I love that song, but when will anyone learn that Whitney and this show do not go together? [It does seem as though 80s Whitney is always a risky move on any singing show. - Steve] We’re also reminded that Sam is a MUM and her life has changed because she is on this show – and this show is HARD WORK. And then she gets to watch the Royal Variety Performance featuring extracts from the X FACTOR MUSICAL BY HARRY HILL. [Which, if the clips that have been released are anything to go by, will be shit. - Steve]

She’s wearing a glittery catsuit thing which is quite ‘mum from the 80s’ – the whole thing has that vibe actually. THIS IS IN NO WAY A BAD THING. Or at least where I’m concerned, anyway. I mean, it’s a bit bellowy as is Sam’s way, and there is nothing contemporary whatsoever about it but I liked it. I just wish this show’s 80s week could have had that kind of thing in it.

Gary liked her versatility. Nicole likes the song and invokes the annual female over on a CRUISESHIP comment war. Louis loved it because of course. Sharon says the cruiseship Nicole saw her on was the O2 which makes no sense whatsoever. Did she mean the QE2 or did she mean Nicole will headline the O2 Millennium Dome or…? (We were in that London the other week and one of my friends (aged 35), on going past it, was ‘so THAT’S the Millennium Dome?  When was that around, the 90s?’ In her defence, she was tired.)

Ads.  I choose not to watch I’m a Celebrity because I don’t like seeing people covered in/eating insects, so why should I have to endure it in an ad break?

Durrbot reminds us there are only two weeks left until the show ends! Hooray!

Tamera is next and Nicole reminds us that she is SIXTEEN. Tamera gets hypnotherapy to help her with her lyric remembering.

She’s doing ‘We Found Love’ and appears to be wearing very visible contro pants under a short denim body, topped off with what looks like a cropped PVC version of the Sixth Doctor’s coat. (I wasn’t on Twitter last night and am only just catching up on the show on Sunday evening but I will be very disappointed if that comment wasn’t made by every person on there). It’s fine – it’s a Rihanna song so there’s not much you can do in a sing-y way, but she remembers her words.

Louis says she could be a pop star in the charts and congratulates her for remembering her lyrics. Sharon tells her to move around the stage more. Funsponge says he wanted to see her having fun and is glad that she did. What has happened to him this week? Nicole tries to do a Louis Walsh impression, saying ‘you look like a pop star, you sound like a pop star’ in the accent of an Italian American gangster, and then she makes woo-woo noises. And now I am imagining Nicole and Bruno Tonioli on a judging panel together and trying to figure out if that would be hysteri-mazing or just awful. [I think it would be brilliant for a couple of weeks but they'd be so drunk by the finale that they'd be entirely unable to speak. - Steve]

Next up is Luke and his hair. He had a choice of ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’, ‘One Day Like This’ or ‘Skinny Love’ and the public chose the latter of these. Luke used to sing this with his friend Sydney who is now in Australia, possibly living up to her name. He talks to her via the power of product placement tablet. Louis reveals that he hates this song, to the surprise of no-one.

Luke is wearing a terrible rug (the kind that you always get on the floor of those hippy shops that sell windchimes and incense and ugly cushions in bright colours with tiny wee mirrors sewn in) as a shirt.  Somehow this song, which was always a bit plodding, has been made even slower, and his vocal is all NOISE OVER EMOTION which doesn’t really work for him, because although he can sound OK sometimes, he really isn’t a belter, so it just seems quite strained.

Sharon compliments him on his ‘big juicy love’ and says she can picture him singing it at Glaston-berry. Presumably with his mates around a camp fire at 5 in the morning when everyone else is trying to sleep. Funsponge loves him (quelle surprise) and says he is one of the front-runners. When there are only five acts left, surely they are all frontrunners? Nicole wheels out the dark horse comment again and Louis wants everyone to vote for him. Dermot says it’d be good if Luke went to Glastonbury and Luke says it’s his favourite festival but he’s never been (not sure how that works but anyway). [Ahh, teenage musos, gawd bless 'em. - Steve] Durrbot asks Louis why he hates the song and Louis says he basically has PTSD from three years ago when loads of people did it at the auditions (even though the only example I can find on our blog is from 2012).

Ads!  Where are JLS?  Have they actually split up now?

Last week you didn’t vote for Poor Facsimile and that was wrong. Their VT features the now obligatory ‘Funsponge tries to have fun and looks in pain the whole time’ bit – this week featuring bad dancing! The group are going to do a medley because they have two musical heroes – Bobby Brown and R Kelly. Wow, the musical heroes this week are super family-friendly, aren’t they? Oh, and on the subject of R Kelly, has the internet had OUTRAGE at Lady Gaga involving him on a song that goes ‘do what you want, what you want with my body’ yet? Oh, GAGA.

Fans of the skirts will be pleased to know there is a reboot of them this week, and the introduction of a backpack as suitable stage-wear. And whilst I love ‘Every Little Step’ (less so ‘She’s Got That Vibe’) this whole thing feels so 1990. Again, not complaining, as the 80s and 90s were very much my era, but if this is meant to be the act with a contemporary flavour, then…

Anyway, the crowd remind them that they were just ARSEY some more. Nicole shouts that they gave her some perspiration and she’s getting excited. She doesn’t want them in the bottom two again because the show needs the arsey spirit. Louis says the competition needs them but the performance was only OK and the vocals were a bit weak. Sharon wants them to ‘nixay’ the hopping and the skipping like gazelles (or as she says, jazelles). Oh Sharon, stand still and you’re damned, move and you’re damned. Make up your mind, woman. She asks why the backpack and the retort is ‘I’m on my way to the final’. The others act as if this was the best response ever, which… not really. It doesn’t even make any sense. But the crowd also seem to think this is an excellent burn on Sharon, and we take those where we find them, so… Sharon tells them they have three weeks so shouldn’t be so presumptuous (I love the idea that in three weeks’ time Sharon will just be rattling around in that studio wondering where everyone is). Gary loved them. Durrbot tells Sharon she can’t have it both ways and want animals and then tell people off for being animals. She says they were like gazelles. Helpful. Although the idea of Wee Nic being a fierce lion grazing on the gazelle-like corpses of Arsey is quite funny. Durrbot opens the voting lines and gives us our first recap of the night.

Ads!  It’s HERB, not URB, annoying fake American stalker polar bear creep.

We’re back with the TOTALLY VALID backstage bit with Caroline Flack SPONSORED BY TALKTALK. Arsey say it’s hard to please Sharon because she’s the queen. In the back pack? A SAMSUNG phone and a furry snood. ALL YOU NEED FOR THE FINAL.

Next up, SCOTLAND’s finest Leon Jackson Wee Nic. Wee Nic was SEVENTEEN last week and got a fugly cake. Then Louis gave him a birthday present – his first driving lesson. Aren’t most first lessons free? So generous. Wee Nic is singing a Take That song and he is worried because FUNSPONGE is a hero and then the vocal coach tells him it’s a HARD SONG, and we see wee Nic fluffing the lines and fretting that he doesn’t want Funsponge to send him home.

It’s ‘Greatest Day’, which is, at least, not ‘The Flood’. Maybe they’re saving that for Steve’s recap week. [I wouldn't put it past them. - Steve] Wee Nic stands atop a plinth wearing a NKOTB tribute jacket – seriously, is this whole episode being sponsored by my old Smash Hits yearbooks? - and still muffs the high notes.  The rest of it is OK but those high notes are painful.

Sharon says she could feel the inner beast rising within his soul and then patronivoices ‘I still love you little thing’. Funsponge says he is honoured to be Wee Nic’s hero. Wee Nic has his tongue firmly in cheek and says ‘yeah’ in a manner that in no way suggests he was contractually obliged to pretend this was true. Poor Wee Nic, all he wants is to do some gangsta rap or something. Funsponge says this is how you take a risk and get an identity. Nicole fake-sad-voices that it’s a big song and then says he gave a big performance and was SHAMAZING. Louis’ ‘you know who you remind me of’ gets a laugh from the audience even before he says a young Gary Barlow (his quiff reminds me of a young Halo James but there we are). Wee Nic says he knows Funsponge doesn’t like people doing his songs on the show (he loves it).

Durrbot then introduces Sam Bailey by reminding us of what we could have won – Mike and The Mechanics’ ‘The Living Years’. I mean, it’s X Factor in a song, because it’s all about DEAD DADS – in fact, they should have played it as part of the ‘anniversary’ thing last week with a montage of all the sob stories playing over it. Anyway, stupid tablet app voters voted for Emily Sunday’s ‘Clown’ even though we’ve already seen Sam sing this because stupid app voters are stupid. [Also, now this makes me think that people actually WANT to hear Emily Sunday, when previously I assumed that she was just being forced upon us against our will this whole time. I don't know what to believe any more. - Steve] She is reminded of her children and talks to them on a WONDROUS TABLET. They laugh that they are ‘sort of’ looking after their dad (WHO IS ALIVE.  Possibly.  I mean, we don’t see him and the kids’ ‘sort of’ looking after him could have a sinister undertone to it).

Sam’s hair, which looked lovely in song 1 looks bad her, piled into a messy bun. She’s wearing a short black dress under a long black spotty net curtain. It’s not a great look.  The performance probably has a bit more subtlety to it than when she did it at Boot Camp, but that’s not saying a lot – it’s still pretty bellowy and VOLUME=EMOTION. She’s working some proper 80s-looking triangle earrings though.

Funsponge says having two songs has benefited her the most, getting people dancing and then laughing and he is surprised by how high her voice can go because she has great range. Nicole has just one word: astounding and starts semi-crying. Louis says she looks relevant and like a pop star (not in that gear) and she’s a world class act. He says Sharon has done a great job at mentoring because, yes, I’m sure Sharon has so much involvement in this. Sharon repeats Funsponge’s comment about Sam’s vocal range. Sam misses her daughter and hopes she’s doing her homework.

Ads! Oh, my mistake, JLS are still here.  Unless this is the new Big Reunion-reassambled version of JLS. Who can tell any more?

Durrbot welcomes us back from the audience where he reads out some tweets from a card. Ed Balls likes Sam Bailey and Rio Ferdinand prefers Luke. [ED BALLS. - Steve] Luke’s mum isn’t nervous and says she’s waiting for the next one. Dermot gets the hump at being told to hurry it along.

Luke tells Louis he’s pleased people liked his One Direction song and he likes to ‘change up songs’. There us then some funny home footage of him as a kid showboating on stage and wearing afro wigs. The signs about the hair were there for quite some time. Luke’s musical heroes? Mumford and Sons.  He’s doing ‘I Will Wait’ accompanied by musicians in cage-type things. They could actually be Mumford and Sons, because all these white folky men look the same to me /radio2racist. It’s probably a bit more exciting than the original in that it actually has some pace and energy, but Luke is essentially shouting most of it and it’s still the world’s most boring song. He doesn’t really make the deep note at the end, either.

Sharon declares it his best performance so far and says he’s really found himself and will be in the final. Funsponge says they’re like a broken record saying they want someone who will ‘sell records’ and he’s fantastic. Nicole calls him Mr Great Balls of Fire with Some Hair on Him at which the others laugh.  Nicole tells them to shut up because they’re not talking about big hairy balls. Louis hopes all of Luke’s Friends vote for him. Heh.

Durrbot asks him how he feels about that song and Luke says ‘it’s pretty Rad’. INVOKING MY NAME IN VAIN I WILL NOT HAVE THIS. Comparing me to fucking Mumford and Fucking Sons? You are ON MY LIST, Friend.

Again, the British public are idiots – instead of picking a Kate Bush track, they’ve given Tamera perennial Simon Cowell snooze-fest favourite ‘The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face’. She apparently sung it at a talent show at her church and won, even though the clip we see of this event sounds bloody awful.

The performance is like a more boring and screechy and out-of-tune version of Leona Lewis’s super boring version of this song.  She’s wearing a crucifix belt and ring though and lots of white.  I’m not sure if we’re meant to think she’s the Second Coming or sacreligious. Louis says she looks like a pop star, herself and Luke. Sharon gets the giggles. Louis reminds us that Leona sang that song. Everybody has sung that song on this bloody show. Sharon welcomes her back to the race. Gary says ‘a few people’ (there are only a few people left, Funsponge [in the viewing audience - Steve]) are having a good night, including him. He says that in five years she’ll be the biggest contestant from this year of the show. Given the slim pickings on offer, I would be surprised if we remember who any of them are in five years’ time. Nicole calls her angel in Spanish, because: drunk. Tamera loved singing and showing her softer side.

Ads! 

Hooray!  It’s time for the last song of the evening!  Funsponge SKYPES Rough Copy via a WONDERFUL TABLET DEVICE and R Kelly gets more money out of this show because they’re singing ‘I Believe I Can Fly’ which us a song I hate so, so much. They are dressed in white like ANGELS. Angels who wear skirts over trousers. And they have the golden firework backdrop the show likes to give to its favourites. I HATE THIS SONG. They pull constipated faces. One of them tries to do some standing still hip-hop moves. They get down off a plinth in the key change.  DRRRRRIIIIIINK. I hate this song, I hate this song, I hate this song. And I hate this tedious reality show ballid arrangement with a gospel choir and then finally it’s over because I need to go vomit. The audience agree that that was just arsey, and Nicole says they took us to arsey church. She says they’re the best group the show has ever seen and they are VERY NICE as if it wasn’t already obvious that they’re being groomed as JLS replacements. Louis hopes they make the final. Sharon says it was spiritual. Well, I needed some strong spirits to get through it if that’s what she meant. She calls them eagles. Funsponge implores us to vote and if Carslberg made contestants, this would be it – bland, disappointing, bit cheap.

(I quite like Arsey but I hate what this show is doing to them).

One of them likes church and the Aston replacement one says they’re ON A JOURNEY. Egads.

Durrbot tells us to vote again and we get a recap: SCOTLAND! EVERYONE RELIVING THE 80s AND EARLY 90s! PRODUCT PLACEMENT TABLETS AND ALSO SKYPE AND A BIT OF YOUVIEW! COLIN BAKER SHOUT OUT! TWO OF MY LEAST FAVOURITE SONGS EVER!

So that’s it – tomorrow someone will be going home.  I couldn’t really care less who, but I not only have to endure that, I have to endure a homophobe and a goose, so FUN TIMES ALL ROUND.  Join me then!

I simply can't Barrett

Top 6 Results - 24 November 2013

Everyone's in black as we return to the Grim Cold Open. Dermot, for some reason, persists with the idea that last night's show was a birthday celebration, but reminds us that tonight someone is going home with NO CAKE AND NO PARTY BAG.

First, the bombastic recap. Getting the narrative seal of approval for last night's performances are Rough Copy, Hannah, Luke, Sam and Wee Nick. The boot of failure, however, is inserted into the jacksy of Tameramnesia for forgetting her words. Coming up tonight, we have "X Factor supergroup JLS", and once again I need to tell the producers that that word does not mean what they think it means [Although The Risk kind of were an X Factor supergoup - Rad]. Also, R&B superstar Mary J Blige will be here with Jessie J tagging along for the ride, and also some nobodies called A Direction or something. *shrugs* Meanwhile, the judges celebrate the non-birthday with Louis doing a Dame Edna impression, Gary delivering the most entirely joyless rendition of Kool And The Gang's 'Celebration' you're ever likely to hear, and Nicole finally working out how to trigger a party popper.

Dermot arrives and welcomes us to the show by stumbling over the word "successes" as he reminds us that JLS and One Direction are on later. Before all that, though, we must welcome the judges: Gary's in a wide-check brown blazer that seems to fade at the edges, Nicole is wearing a purple/navy dress where Giant X itself is straining to contain her boobs, Sharon is in a sheer black number covered in black lace, and Louie is wearing a dark jacket and a dotted tie. Nicole appears to need a bit of help getting to her seat. Nobody ever thinks of the practicalities with these outfits once they've made that dramatic entrance, do they?

Time for the group number, now with 100% more JLS: the top six sing 'Everybody In Love', leaving a massive gap centre-stage so that it can be filled by some actual stars when they deign to turn up. Joey Rough Copy gets the "honour" of doing the "ladies and gentlemen, JLS!" introduction. I'd love to tell you what happens next, but I'm afraid I have a rule where I only recap bands that haven't split up. OH DEAR SORRY ABOUT THAT JLS. That's what you get for dragging it out to the point where we've all seen you far more post-split than we ever did beforehand. Stop hanging around like a trapped fart and move on with your lives already.

And here's the recap of the recap: Wee Nick declares this the best birthday he's ever had, even though it got completely overshadowed by a fake birthday, and Gary reminds us some more about how Wee Nick is solid and reliable and other hugely exciting adjectives like those. Hannah put her heart and soul (and cleavage, dayum) into that performance, so she's happy. Luke wants us all to know that this competition means so much to him, and Gary thinks that Luke is "in a complete lane of his own". Maybe because he can't find any friends to go bowling with him. Rough Copy felt it was natural to get back into their R&B groove, and Nicole thinks that they were the icing and sha-sprinkles on top of the birthday cake. Sometimes I wonder if they just lead her to a padded room as soon as the show's over. Tameramnesia says that she just doesn't want it to end, and she hopes her performance showed that. Girl, your performance suggests that you didn't even know where the end was. Sharon says that she's going to make it, but it's just not her time right now. (All snark aside, I do wonder if Tamera might have been unstoppable if she'd just left it a couple more years, worked on her confidence and gained a bit of experience, and then come back and slain everyone in her path. Sometimes timing is everything; just ask Alexandra Burke.) Finally, Sam hopes she did Leona Lewis proud, because it's such an emotional song, and Nicole declares that she ended the party with a SHA-BANG, BABY. Just imagine if Nicole edited the OED. The S section would be heavier than the rest of the tome put together.

After that, it's time for our very special guests, Mary J Blige and Jessie J. OVER 65 MILLION RECORD SALES WORLDWIDE. 8 MULTI-PLATINUM ALBUMS. 9 GRAMMY AWARDS. MARY J BLIGE! FEATURING JESSIE J! Ha, they do not list any of Jessie J's achievements. I was hoping for LEAST SUCCESSFUL COACH ON THE VOICE UK FOR TWO SERIES RUNNING! to flash up at some point. They're singing 'Do You Hear What I Hear', and Jessie is oversinging the shit out of her part as per usual. Girl should know better than to attempt to upstage Mary J Blige. You just do not do that. Also, I bet Mary J and Jessie J are really cross that someone beat them to the group name Union J. Dermot arrives, and Mary J explains that basically she roped in Jessie J for this song because she and David Foster thought it might help to shift a few more units in the UK. Jessie J ticks off the "honoured" and "blessed" parts of the gratitude checklist, and then they're gone.

Ad break, featuring a "very special" commercial in which Gary Barlow teams up with Aleksandr the Meerkat. There's a gag at the end about Gary paying the bill for the fireworks, but I'm sure the accountant who found those convenient tax loopholes can sort that out for him.

When we return, it's the moment we've all been waiting for - the voting lines have closed! Oh, and One Direction are on. 35 MILLION RECORD SALES WORLDWIDE! NUMBER ONE HITS IN 64 COUNTRIES! 2 BILLION YOUTUBE HITS! THE BIGGEST BOYBAND IN THE WORLD! COUNTLESS SHITTY TATTOOS! ONE DIRECTION! They're singing 'Story Of My Life', their new single which is worryingly Mumford-esque. Also, I don't want to think too closely about the line "I spend her love until she's broke inside", because it sounds rather nasty. Perhaps most worryingly of all, Resentful Direction seems to be gradually morphing into Gary Barlow. I know they share a common temperament, but Resentful is much better-looking and far more entertaining, so he should resist this transformation with all of his might.

Dermot arrives, and begins with the usual invitation to shill the album, which Resentful does resentfully. Zayn says it's amazing to be home and be with the UK fans again. Dermot offers Resentful his microphone, and Resentful is all "I've got my own, BUT THANKS" (RESENTFUL DIRECTION ♥) and is unconvincingly excited about having a film and a tour and stuff. Hating every second, and we love him for it. Harry's highlight is being back here, Not So Tiny These Days Nicholas Hoult's was performing at the Brits, and Niall enjoyed being at the VMAs. Dermot does the whole "if a judging role came up, who would make the best judge?" thing, and seriously, stop with the "if" already, Gary and Sharon have already said they're out after this series. One Direction suggest that they just swap Gary for Resentful, and JESUS CHRIST YES THAT WOULD BE AMAZING. Just imagine him seething behind that desk on a weekly basis. That'd sort out the ratings problems in a heartbeat.

Adverts. One Direction have a fragrance out, and Diana Vickers is celebrating this fact by singing 'My Favourite Things' down her nose.

When we return, Dermot explains that next week we have an X Factor first: the contestants will be singing two songs, one of their own choice and one from "the X Factor jukebox" chosen by the public. There's a quick VT to explain how it all works, but basically everyone's picked three ballids and we can decide which one they'll perform by using the app. Yeah, I think I'll not bother if it's all the same to you.

Dermot welcomes the top six acts back to the stage, and the following contestants are safe in no particular order: Luke, Wee Nick, Sam and Tameramnesia, leaving Hannah and Rough Copy in the sing-off. Tamera can't quite believe it, while Hannah rolls her eyes all "oh well, here we are AGAIN". There appears to be some booing in the room, though I wouldn't like to speculate as to whether it's for Tamera being safe, or the other two being in jeopardy.

Final ad break. Apparently Matthew Wright is being a twit on I'm A Celebrity. Who knew?

Upon our return, Dermot refers to this as a "shock result", which...really? Hannah's been here twice already, and as much as I like Rough Copy, they were bound to run out of steam sooner or later.

Hannah's up first, and sings 'I'd Rather Go Blind' with an air of weary resignation, which sort of works for the song in a weird way. Still, they really need to stop letting her sing right down at the bottom of her range, because it's really not pleasant. It's a proper brown note area. Afterwards, Rough Copy sing 'Stop Crying Your Heart Out' in their quest for salvation, and the grand tradition of boy band sing-off performances always being quite rubbish continues unabated. There are some nice harmonies in there from time to time, but it's a bit lifeless. I'd almost be inclined to tip this one to Hannah if this weren't her third time here.

Hannah rejoins them on stage, and it's over to the judges to decide who'll be departing tonight. Nicole's up first and she's quivering with rage, because THESE TWO SHOULD'VE BEEN IN THE FINAL, DAMMIT. She says very pointedly that she's "disappointed and furious with the British public right now" for putting Hannah in the bottom two for a third time. Dermot's all "yeah, that's lovely, just give me a fucking name already". Nicole votes to send Rough Copy home. Gary thinks they were both great last night, and it's surprising that they're both here tonight. He says this with all the enthusiasm of someone reading aloud from the back pages of his vacuum cleaner's instruction manual. He votes to send Hannah home. Sharon thinks that neither of them should be here based on last night's performances, but since this is Hannah's third time in the sing-off, she has to send her home even though she doesn't want to. So it's all down to Louis, who thinks it's amazing to have two talented acts in the bottom two when they remembered all their words. I live for Louis throwing shade at Tamera, I really do. It's so crass, and so wonderful. Again, Dermot has no time for this shit and essentially says "look you goon, you can't vote for Tamera, so who do you want gone out of these two?" Louis doesn't want to send anyone home, but he's going to vote, and the act he's sending home is Hannah.

Hannah takes it with a grin - she knew this was coming, I think. Rough Copy swarm her and refuse to leave her alone even though the show is running late and Dermot is getting angry. We see Hannah's best bits, which include a few reminders that her father is dead, just for good measure. It's basically a montage of a talented girl wearing some awful outfits. God, the stylists really had it in for Hannah, didn't they? Dermot asks a tearful Hannah what her highlight has been, and Hannah says she feels so blessed to be here, and if she had to go out against anyone, she's glad it was Rough Copy because she wants them to win.

Next week: more fun with homophobic slurs as Arthur James returns, and HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK. (That's Rebecca Ferguson for "Rebecca Ferguson will be here too.") Rad will be your guide for the latest iteration of "songs that are songs week", and she has my eternal sympathy. [TWO FUCKING PERFORMANCES EACH.  WHY GOD WHY? - Rad]

Here's one we did earlier

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Calla-hanged

Results week 6 – 17^th November 2013

Hello! So last night it was all about Great British songs and we begin with a recap. Seven sang and some did their country proud, but others (Sam Callahan and Tamera) didn’t do as well.  [So I'm assuming the show has given up hope of a girl in the final and will be repeatedly giving us the NicSamRoughCopy message? - Rad] Remember these are the ones that weren’t good and we shouldn’t vote for them. Tonight we’re promised Miley Cyrus and Funsponge on stage. However, as it’s Time To Face The Music Funsponge declares Rough Copy the Best of British, Louis and Nicole have a backstage chat about how Nicole may not be working hard enough as Tamera messed up and Nicole thinks he’s cruising for a bruising. GIANT X.

Durrbot arrives on stage and does his ridiculous little dance. He’s got the waistcoat back. It was a short respite. He reminds us that voting is a thing and the sing off is a thing before introducing us to the judges. Tonight’s wardrobe is interesting. Louis is in a blue suit with a green tie, Sharon in a plain black gown, Nicole in something very spangly and Funsponge in a checked suit with a spotty shirt. I really don’t understand what he’s trying to do. NUMBERS!

It’s time for the group song. It’s Never Forget so that’s a couple of extra quid for those poor Take That obviously. Rough Copy mess up the lyrics  and Luke has clearly come as Howard. It’s all very boyband until Tamera and Sambailey come in and sing everything an octave higher. I have two observations. First is that Tamera is the only one not wearing Red. I’m not sure if this is some sort of subliminal message that she’s not a team player. Second is that a boyband’s song looking back over their career really isn’t the song for these young pups. [Also, half the lyrics are cut, which makes it all sound very weird - Rad] When they finish Durrbot makes a quip about them not having rehearsed which would be funny if it didn’t appear to be true. Remember when they pre recorded the song and some people moaned? Well I want those people to know that this is their fault and I will be coming for the individuals.

Durrbot then goes into a ridiculous speech about how last night was all stiff upper lip and no tears. Who writes this bloody stuff? Here’s the story of last night. First up is Hannah, backstage she doesn’t have the words for her happiness and Nicole says that’s how you open a show. Luke thought his performance was amazing and Sharon likes his individual edge. Sambailey  enjoyed every second of her turn and felt glamorous on her stairs. Sharon thinks there hasn’t been a challenge she’s yet to meet.  Rough Copy have so much passion and they want everyone to support their versatility. Funsponge thinks Viva La Vida is a rock song and the group did it incredibly. Sam Callahan feels like he’s got more to give and he could’ve given more. Sharon is still peddling the bravery line. Tamera tried her best and gave her all. Nicole thinks that she understood that the show must go on. Finally Nicholas thinks that it was incredible to do. Nicole fell in love with him all over again.

When we come back, Durrbot points to the Backstreet Boys in the audience. Nicole gives them three words – Ma, hoose and ive. Funsponge makes some boring speech about them all having started at the same time and having some kind of bond. Great. Obviously Durrbot thinks he has to bring this circus back to some kind of order so he asks everyone whose album they’d buy right now. Nicole says that other than her girls she’d like to hear Rough Copy’s album. Funsponge wants to say his own act but also goes for Sambailey. Sharon is only going for Sambailey three times and Louis would buy Nicholas, Sambailey and Rough Copy. Way to support Sam and Luke there, Louis.

But first, she’s been controversial but apparently also talented. It’s Miley! She’s ON THE X FACTOR STAGE and has had a NUMBER ONE ALBUM IN 70 COUNTRIES and OVER 30 MILLION ALBUMS SOLD WORLDWIDE plus 1 BILLION VIDEO HITS she’s also THE POP PRINCESS and THE WORLD IS TALKING ABOUT HER. MILEY CYRUS. Miley is atop a fake sand dune wearing a gold slip dress and a turban. She also appears to have some fake concrete walls. I’m waiting for her to start Twerking or some other young people nonsense but she just seems to be singing the song and not in an awful way. Well, it’s irritating but it’s competent. I’m not sure what the turban is about though. [I can't believe they had her in a giant sand-art picture singing 'Wrecking Ball' and ignored the opportunity to have a giant wrecking ball swing in from offstage and shatter it, spilling sand everywhere with Miley surfing out on top of it. I mean, COME ON. Brian Friedman would never have missed an opportunity like that. - Steve] She does precisely nothing mad or interesting through the entire performance and I have to confess to being a little irritated.

Durrbot looks at her sand dune and asks if he can keep it. He can’t. It’s going on tour with her. Well done Durrbot. He mumbles something then asks when he’s going to get to see her again. She’s touring her Bangerz across Europe next spring and she hopes to see all of her fans. Durrbot issues the five minute warning. Where the bloody hell are the adverts? Oh, here they are. ADVERTS.

That’s it, the lines are closed so there’s no way you can do anything now. So yeah, Funsponge has a new album out. Let’s hear some of it then. We’re reminded that he’s had 35 MILLION ALBUM SALES WORLDWIDE and 15 NUMBER ONE SINGLES and was part of the FASTEST SELLING ALBUM THIS CENTURY. HE’S YOUR X FACTOR JUDGE and YOUR POPSTAR. [Not mine, honest - Rad]

He’s also the SMUGGEST MAN ALIVE. It oozes out of his formerly glutinous pores. He’s as smug looking as Luke’s hair looks smelly. He’s the only person in the entire universe that looked at Mumford and Sons and saw it as something to emulate. His performance is sub-Mumford with a bit of anything that’s ever irritated you thrown in. I can’t adequately describe the horror. He’s also got a load of pretend percussionists on stage.  He gets some dancers up on stage who are supposed to look like audience members. Not one of them is near him. IT’S EVEN GOT A FUPPING BANJO SOLO. [Also, it contains the line "this is going to take some getting used to, but I know what's good for you", which is the grossest thing Barlow has done in some time, and I don't say that lightly. - Steve] Oh it’s over and our respite is Durrbot and the fact that Louis didn’t give him a standing ovation. Louis is asked for a critique. Louis loved the performance and he owned the stage like a little Elton John. Don’t ever change Louis. Durrbot wonders if Louis thinks that Funsponge is good boyband material. Funsponge does a ‘bitch please’ face. Louis thinks he could make it if he works hard. Durrbot reminds us all that it’s been 14 years since the last disastrous solo album. Funsponge is happy for the reaction and reminds us all that the single is out today and the album next week.

MOAR ADVERTS

When we return the VOTES ARE IN so Durrbot welcomes the acts and their judges to the stage.  Tamera and Hannah look defeated. Rough Copy look terrified. Sambailey shouldn’t wear high waisted trousers and the boys also look nervous. So who is through? First it’s Hannah which nobody, including her, can seem to believe. Me either as they threw the bus so bloody hard at her last night. Louis’ face says it ALL. Next through is Nicholas followed by Rough Copy and Sambailey. Final one through is... Tamera leaving Luke and Sam Callahan in the bottom two. Luke looks like he’s going to vomit.

EVEN MORE ADVERTS

When we return it’s all about the sing off. Luke and Sam return to the stage. Luke has his guitar with him. It’s probably a good idea that Sam doesn’t. We’re told that Luke is singing first. Louis wants the audience to give him a big welcome as he sings for survival. He’s singing One by U2. As soon as he opens his mouth Sam looks defeated. The only thing I get from Luke’s performance is a sense of what kind of busker he is and this doesn’t endear him to me but he’s better than Sam. Anyone with ears can hear that. I also wish he’d put on some socks.

Louis introduces Sam who is also going to sing his heart out. He’s doing Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls from off of every Saturday night Karaoke bar everywhere. Sam attempts to put some emotion into it by doing some quiet LOUD quiet singing. It’s irritating. I want this to be over so Sam can go home and we’re saved this indignity every week. Sam even starts pounding his chest and tearing at his jacket. Please let this one die now.

So to the vote. Luke and Sam have a big cuddle before it [COMMENCE SLASHFIC - Steve] and Durrbot reminds us that only one of them can sing next week. They’re going to Louis first who is abstaining. Durrbot confirms this. Nicole is next. She thinks Luke sang his heart out and she always connects with him. She then throws her pen at Sam because she’s frustrated that he only showed his soul tonight. She’s sending him home. Funsponge congratulates Luke on his performance and his uniqueness. He’s apparently loved him from the beginning. He turns to Sam and says it’s his best performance and he’s happy that Sam has taken his criticism like a man and he has a good work ethic but he’s sending him home. So that’s it, Sam’s home. Durrbot then asks Sharon as a formality but she’s not listening so goes into a full speech about how she’s so angry that Sam has waited so long to connect to the audience as a performer so she’s sending him home. They hug it out again. Luke leaves the stage and Durrbot calls Sam buddy to add insult to injury.

We see his X Factor journey and remember how everyone blew smoke up his arse until the live shows, interspersed with his family saying how proud they are of him. Sam is fighting back tears as he thanks Louis and the judges for his amazing time. He has no regrets and this is just the beginning of an adventure. Louis reiterates that he’s a good role model because he works hard to be successful.

So, join Steve next week for the TENTH BIRTHDAY SPECTACULAR with JLS, Wand Erection, Olly Murs and, err, Jessie J. I know that’s going to be some unmissable bile. [I am at the Doctor Who convention all weekend and when I come back I get to recap Strictly meaning I only need to watch X Factor on fast forward.  I believe this is what they call winning - Rad]