End of the Road

Top 9 Results: 3 November 2013

So I’ve done my best to avoid it.  I fled the country, I took to the stage, but eventually I had to face up to my responsibilities and recap another episode of the turgid yawnfest that is this year’s X Factor.  Le sigh.

Last night!  DISCO was killed, joining 80s, club classics and, er, songs that are a song in the list of victims this show has claimed!  Most of the acts looked even more bored with the show than the audience!  Nicole was playing secret X Factor drinking games throughout (probably)!  And the flash vote was swiftly axed when the show finally realised what the rest of us knew all along about how utterly terrible an idea it was!  IT’S! TIME! TO! BRING! BACK! THE! SORT-OF! TENSION!

Our recap tells us that Sam C and Kingsland SUCKED.  Spoiler: only one of those memos has reached the audience.  I’d say try harder, but I think even the most casual of viewers can now spot who this show is trying to throw at buses given its lack of subtlety.  Dermot suitwatch: blue, with a brown tie (no) and an undone button that really should be done up.  He reminds us that BixMIX will be joining us later, along with Taylor SWIFT.  GIRL POWAH.  Oh and Gary Lightbody from Snow Patrol as well.  You know the ones, they did that Leona Lewis song, not the one that Oasis did, or the one about her magical ability to open and close her veins at will, but that other one.  I think it was about a queue of people at a bus stop ganging up on a smoker and forcing them to light a fag so the bus would come or something along those lines.

The judges enter.  Louis looks dressed for a funeral in case he loses an act (SPOILER: LOUIS IS KING OF 2013), Sharon has a typical Sharon black lace thing on, Funsponge is wearing an awful skinny tie, Nicole appears to be wearing… rope?  Durrbot reminds us to vote and that there is no longer any flash vote.  So presumably FUCKING DEADLOCK is now back as a thing? [Hush your mouth, DEADLOCK is amazing. - Steve]

The acts are doing ‘Night to Remember’ and egads, WHAT are Rough Copy wearing?  They’ve got horrible bacofoil baggy shorts on with bacofoil leggings/tights and they look terrible.  Not that anyone looks particularly good – I mean, they try to make wee Nic look hip-hop and land somewhere at Tom from Hollyoaks after he’s pinched some big boys’ shoes.  I wonder if, seeing as Tess Daly’s outfits on Strictly have shown a marked improvement this series, her stylist is now simply content to sabotage this show instead?  There’s then a bit where the girls and boys sing off, and I know that two boy bands skews matters quite a lot, but four women vs eleven men doesn’t say much for the year of the vagina, does it?

We get a recap of last night, but I actually forced myself to watch that (unlike last week where I watched about 10 seconds of each performance and fast forwarded the rest), so no recap of that.

Dermot tells us that BixMIX have ‘taken America by storm’ whatever that means in this day and age.  Their VT talks about them selling 3 million albums worldwide.  It doesn’t show St Jesy crying though, so it’s not really emphasising their USP.  Kudos to them for singing their new single live, except… their voices sound like a hot fried mess without any backing vocals or studio techniques – the chorus restores the WandErection memorial backing track and sounds a bit better but it’s not really a vocal showcase.  Their new song, which I presume is a new single, but I could be wrong, sounds very album-tracky and as if it’s been played at a slower speed than it should have been.  St Jesy isn’t even wearing crazy trousers, so really, what is the point of that?

Dermot congratulates them on doing well in the US and makes everyone cheer for them.  Leigh-Anne says of their performance ‘it was one of the most fun I’ve ever had’ and I’m wondering if she’s had to adopt Simon Cowell’s odd ways with grammar since she won this show.  Dermot then asks Perrie if her engagement to Zayn is the first official X Factor engagement.  She thinks so.  I would think it was probably that midget with a ring they never showed in the end way back in series two, but I guess maybe the reason it wasn’t shown was that he got a rejection.

Ads!  Oh lovely Michel Roux Jr.  Why must you advertise frozen potatoes and lie that you have used them for over ten years?  WHYYYY?

Dermot asks the judges who was bestest and worstestest of all last night.  Louis says Sam B was the best and Kingsland are in trouble.  Sharon says Sam B or Hannah were the best and Sam C was the worst.  Gary says Sam B was the best except his acts, but Sam C was the worst.  Nicole says Sam B and Rough Copy were the best and she doesn’t want to say Sam C was the worst, but he was.

Our next special guests are Gary Lightbody and Taylor Swift, aka the world’s least likely duet.  I genuinely want to know who was smoking what when this was mooted because not only is it a dirge, Taylor Swift’s mic seems to be off, and then when it cuts in, she still sounds as if she’s singing with her mouth closed from down an echoey hole somewhere, and something sounds out of tune – their voices really don’t blend well.  The staging is odd too, with them spending the song standing as far apart from each other as possible and avoiding looking at each other at any point.  Maybe it’s ‘acting’ because then there’s a dramatic bit where they turn to face each other and the lyrics change to them reconciling.  Eventually Taylor coughs up whatever frog was in her throat and has a clearer verse, but the ‘chorus’ such as it is remains a total dirge.  But then they get the glitter shower and yellow light, so hooray, they win the X Factor and we can all go home.  First weekend in November, not bad ITV, you HAVE been learning from us after all.  Well, on behalf of myself, Steve and Helen I’d like to thank you all for reading… oh, wait.  We have to suffer a Durrbot interview with them where they both tower over him like giants and we learn they wrote the song together.  Why did nobody stop them?  Gary Lightbody says he’s never been on the show before, but I suppose he had to repay them for making him all that money somehow.

Ads!  I’m scared to go back to my Animal Crossing town as it’s been so long that all my neighbours will have left apart from the ones I hate who will then shout at me for having a life/job/discovering The Simpsons: Tapped Out. [Still not as terrifying as when you accidentally switch off without saving and Resetti rips you to shreds the next time you play. I still have nightmares about that. - Steve]

We welcome the acts back on stage for the results.  Safe are: Sam C, who falls to his knees to the screams of the audience; Hannah who screams ‘YES YES YES’ in a manner that surely led to a thousand people running to their keyboards berating her for being a woman and happy and stuff.  It’s a bit undignified, but it’s not quite Jordan Poulton levels.  Sam C and wee Nic are obviously safe, as are Rough Copy.  Luke is safe, which leaves Abi, Tamera and Kingsland to wait… after the ad break.  Seriously, show? That’s all you gave us?

Ads! I can’t believe that Ant and Dec show is still a thing, never mind a thing that is on tour.

The final act safe is Abi, who pulls the best shocked face seen on this show in a while and gets both boos and cheers from the audience.  Nicole comforts Tamera and talks to her as Kingsland get ready and Durrbot shouts at her to get off the stage.

Funsponge lies that it’s a shock that the tragic hipster boyband are in the sing-off, which, given they were bottom of the vote in week two… notsomuch.  They’re doing James Morrison’s ‘I Won’t Let You Go’, which is a bit obscure for this show, I would have thought.  The Waterloo Road deputy one has straightened his curls and takes the lead, followed by that Nicole said was the best singer.  They have an obligatory boy band key change, but they’re clearly doomed and they know it.

Nicole says Tamera is her shining star.  She’s singing ‘I Have Nothing’, which suggests she’s running out of tricks given she’s already given us Whitney. [She's already given us this song too - it's the one she kept forgetting at the arena auditions. - Steve] Obviously she’s a million times better than Kingsland but I feel that as much as they want her to be a star, and as much potential as she has, they haven’t really worked out what they want to do with her yet, and if they don’t figure it out soon she’s going to be the new Ella Henderson RIP.  She shakes a bit, trying not to cry.

Dermot clarifies that FUCKING DEADLOCK will return in the event of a tie.  Nicole says Kingsland put a lot of heart and soul into what they do but she obviously has to send them home.  Funsponge says this is ‘another shocker’ and blames the public, saying neither act deserved to be in the bottom two, although the recap we saw at the start clearly told us Sam C and Kingsland were the worst of the worst, so I don’t know what to believe now.  Obviously he sends Tamera off.  Sharon sends home Kingsland without any clarification and Louis does the same because Tamera sang her heart out.

Dermot forces them to wait through their best bits for a ‘chat’.  Best bits: terrible outfits, terrible hair, terrible, terrible outfits, man hugs, terrible outfits, one of their family members going off message and still wearing a Kingsland T-shirt and not a Kingsland Road one, almost no singing, but lots of terrible outfits.  The blonde one cries a bit.  The fugly jacket one says his highlight was seeing Little Mix perform.  Oh bless, they really have had a rough journey, haven’t they?  Funsponge reminds everyone this is a singing competition, which: NO and also which: if that were the criteria, then surely Kingsland DO deserve to go.

Next week!  As if you thought this week was bad, the show ups the stakes!  Celine Dion!  Robbie Williams!  And our nemesis BIG BAND WEEK!  Join us then!