Calla-hanged

Results week 6 – 17^th November 2013

Hello! So last night it was all about Great British songs and we begin with a recap. Seven sang and some did their country proud, but others (Sam Callahan and Tamera) didn’t do as well.  [So I'm assuming the show has given up hope of a girl in the final and will be repeatedly giving us the NicSamRoughCopy message? - Rad] Remember these are the ones that weren’t good and we shouldn’t vote for them. Tonight we’re promised Miley Cyrus and Funsponge on stage. However, as it’s Time To Face The Music Funsponge declares Rough Copy the Best of British, Louis and Nicole have a backstage chat about how Nicole may not be working hard enough as Tamera messed up and Nicole thinks he’s cruising for a bruising. GIANT X.

Durrbot arrives on stage and does his ridiculous little dance. He’s got the waistcoat back. It was a short respite. He reminds us that voting is a thing and the sing off is a thing before introducing us to the judges. Tonight’s wardrobe is interesting. Louis is in a blue suit with a green tie, Sharon in a plain black gown, Nicole in something very spangly and Funsponge in a checked suit with a spotty shirt. I really don’t understand what he’s trying to do. NUMBERS!

It’s time for the group song. It’s Never Forget so that’s a couple of extra quid for those poor Take That obviously. Rough Copy mess up the lyrics  and Luke has clearly come as Howard. It’s all very boyband until Tamera and Sambailey come in and sing everything an octave higher. I have two observations. First is that Tamera is the only one not wearing Red. I’m not sure if this is some sort of subliminal message that she’s not a team player. Second is that a boyband’s song looking back over their career really isn’t the song for these young pups. [Also, half the lyrics are cut, which makes it all sound very weird - Rad] When they finish Durrbot makes a quip about them not having rehearsed which would be funny if it didn’t appear to be true. Remember when they pre recorded the song and some people moaned? Well I want those people to know that this is their fault and I will be coming for the individuals.

Durrbot then goes into a ridiculous speech about how last night was all stiff upper lip and no tears. Who writes this bloody stuff? Here’s the story of last night. First up is Hannah, backstage she doesn’t have the words for her happiness and Nicole says that’s how you open a show. Luke thought his performance was amazing and Sharon likes his individual edge. Sambailey  enjoyed every second of her turn and felt glamorous on her stairs. Sharon thinks there hasn’t been a challenge she’s yet to meet.  Rough Copy have so much passion and they want everyone to support their versatility. Funsponge thinks Viva La Vida is a rock song and the group did it incredibly. Sam Callahan feels like he’s got more to give and he could’ve given more. Sharon is still peddling the bravery line. Tamera tried her best and gave her all. Nicole thinks that she understood that the show must go on. Finally Nicholas thinks that it was incredible to do. Nicole fell in love with him all over again.

When we come back, Durrbot points to the Backstreet Boys in the audience. Nicole gives them three words – Ma, hoose and ive. Funsponge makes some boring speech about them all having started at the same time and having some kind of bond. Great. Obviously Durrbot thinks he has to bring this circus back to some kind of order so he asks everyone whose album they’d buy right now. Nicole says that other than her girls she’d like to hear Rough Copy’s album. Funsponge wants to say his own act but also goes for Sambailey. Sharon is only going for Sambailey three times and Louis would buy Nicholas, Sambailey and Rough Copy. Way to support Sam and Luke there, Louis.

But first, she’s been controversial but apparently also talented. It’s Miley! She’s ON THE X FACTOR STAGE and has had a NUMBER ONE ALBUM IN 70 COUNTRIES and OVER 30 MILLION ALBUMS SOLD WORLDWIDE plus 1 BILLION VIDEO HITS she’s also THE POP PRINCESS and THE WORLD IS TALKING ABOUT HER. MILEY CYRUS. Miley is atop a fake sand dune wearing a gold slip dress and a turban. She also appears to have some fake concrete walls. I’m waiting for her to start Twerking or some other young people nonsense but she just seems to be singing the song and not in an awful way. Well, it’s irritating but it’s competent. I’m not sure what the turban is about though. [I can't believe they had her in a giant sand-art picture singing 'Wrecking Ball' and ignored the opportunity to have a giant wrecking ball swing in from offstage and shatter it, spilling sand everywhere with Miley surfing out on top of it. I mean, COME ON. Brian Friedman would never have missed an opportunity like that. - Steve] She does precisely nothing mad or interesting through the entire performance and I have to confess to being a little irritated.

Durrbot looks at her sand dune and asks if he can keep it. He can’t. It’s going on tour with her. Well done Durrbot. He mumbles something then asks when he’s going to get to see her again. She’s touring her Bangerz across Europe next spring and she hopes to see all of her fans. Durrbot issues the five minute warning. Where the bloody hell are the adverts? Oh, here they are. ADVERTS.

That’s it, the lines are closed so there’s no way you can do anything now. So yeah, Funsponge has a new album out. Let’s hear some of it then. We’re reminded that he’s had 35 MILLION ALBUM SALES WORLDWIDE and 15 NUMBER ONE SINGLES and was part of the FASTEST SELLING ALBUM THIS CENTURY. HE’S YOUR X FACTOR JUDGE and YOUR POPSTAR. [Not mine, honest - Rad]

He’s also the SMUGGEST MAN ALIVE. It oozes out of his formerly glutinous pores. He’s as smug looking as Luke’s hair looks smelly. He’s the only person in the entire universe that looked at Mumford and Sons and saw it as something to emulate. His performance is sub-Mumford with a bit of anything that’s ever irritated you thrown in. I can’t adequately describe the horror. He’s also got a load of pretend percussionists on stage.  He gets some dancers up on stage who are supposed to look like audience members. Not one of them is near him. IT’S EVEN GOT A FUPPING BANJO SOLO. [Also, it contains the line "this is going to take some getting used to, but I know what's good for you", which is the grossest thing Barlow has done in some time, and I don't say that lightly. - Steve] Oh it’s over and our respite is Durrbot and the fact that Louis didn’t give him a standing ovation. Louis is asked for a critique. Louis loved the performance and he owned the stage like a little Elton John. Don’t ever change Louis. Durrbot wonders if Louis thinks that Funsponge is good boyband material. Funsponge does a ‘bitch please’ face. Louis thinks he could make it if he works hard. Durrbot reminds us all that it’s been 14 years since the last disastrous solo album. Funsponge is happy for the reaction and reminds us all that the single is out today and the album next week.

MOAR ADVERTS

When we return the VOTES ARE IN so Durrbot welcomes the acts and their judges to the stage.  Tamera and Hannah look defeated. Rough Copy look terrified. Sambailey shouldn’t wear high waisted trousers and the boys also look nervous. So who is through? First it’s Hannah which nobody, including her, can seem to believe. Me either as they threw the bus so bloody hard at her last night. Louis’ face says it ALL. Next through is Nicholas followed by Rough Copy and Sambailey. Final one through is... Tamera leaving Luke and Sam Callahan in the bottom two. Luke looks like he’s going to vomit.

EVEN MORE ADVERTS

When we return it’s all about the sing off. Luke and Sam return to the stage. Luke has his guitar with him. It’s probably a good idea that Sam doesn’t. We’re told that Luke is singing first. Louis wants the audience to give him a big welcome as he sings for survival. He’s singing One by U2. As soon as he opens his mouth Sam looks defeated. The only thing I get from Luke’s performance is a sense of what kind of busker he is and this doesn’t endear him to me but he’s better than Sam. Anyone with ears can hear that. I also wish he’d put on some socks.

Louis introduces Sam who is also going to sing his heart out. He’s doing Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls from off of every Saturday night Karaoke bar everywhere. Sam attempts to put some emotion into it by doing some quiet LOUD quiet singing. It’s irritating. I want this to be over so Sam can go home and we’re saved this indignity every week. Sam even starts pounding his chest and tearing at his jacket. Please let this one die now.

So to the vote. Luke and Sam have a big cuddle before it [COMMENCE SLASHFIC - Steve] and Durrbot reminds us that only one of them can sing next week. They’re going to Louis first who is abstaining. Durrbot confirms this. Nicole is next. She thinks Luke sang his heart out and she always connects with him. She then throws her pen at Sam because she’s frustrated that he only showed his soul tonight. She’s sending him home. Funsponge congratulates Luke on his performance and his uniqueness. He’s apparently loved him from the beginning. He turns to Sam and says it’s his best performance and he’s happy that Sam has taken his criticism like a man and he has a good work ethic but he’s sending him home. So that’s it, Sam’s home. Durrbot then asks Sharon as a formality but she’s not listening so goes into a full speech about how she’s so angry that Sam has waited so long to connect to the audience as a performer so she’s sending him home. They hug it out again. Luke leaves the stage and Durrbot calls Sam buddy to add insult to injury.

We see his X Factor journey and remember how everyone blew smoke up his arse until the live shows, interspersed with his family saying how proud they are of him. Sam is fighting back tears as he thanks Louis and the judges for his amazing time. He has no regrets and this is just the beginning of an adventure. Louis reiterates that he’s a good role model because he works hard to be successful.

So, join Steve next week for the TENTH BIRTHDAY SPECTACULAR with JLS, Wand Erection, Olly Murs and, err, Jessie J. I know that’s going to be some unmissable bile. [I am at the Doctor Who convention all weekend and when I come back I get to recap Strictly meaning I only need to watch X Factor on fast forward.  I believe this is what they call winning - Rad]