The Wedding Singer

Arena Auditions week 4 – 22^nd September 2013

Yes. I’m back on the bloody Arena auditions. This is the eighth recap of the series. There’s three Tellybitchers. I have had three recaps to do so far and they’re ALL BLOODY ARENA AUDITIONS. I can’t even complain because Steven says I’m STILL on probation despite this being my third year on The Bitch Factor and my fourth year as a Tellybitch. It’s unfair I tell you. We haven’t even got a union I can go to. Does anyone know of a union for unpaid bloggers who want to moan? Does anyone want to just listen to me? [Shut up and finish cleaning my shoes. - Steve]

Anyway, to business. Last night Steve walked you through the last of the room auditions. Tonight we are having more arena auditions but first we’re having a recap of warbling. Apparently FROM THE ROOM TO THE ARENA LIVES WERE CHANGED. TONIGHT is ONE LAST CHANCE TO SHINE. I’ll be the judge of that thank you very much. Oh! So will Funsponge because he’s just called someone a car crash.

Mind your heads! Here comes the giant X!

Durrbot welcomes us, and we’re actually using Wembley and not Brent Council offices. Much is made about it being the last day. Funsponge wants someone who will light up the whole arena. I’m assuming that he doesn’t mean Strangles Maloney is coming back with some matches, petrol and a beef. Backstage, the clock is ticking as the contestants ‘fight’ for the last places at boot camp.

Who’s up first? Well, it’s Ryan Mathie who is 18 and looks very like my little brother. I know most of you don’t even know what I look like, let alone what my brother looks like but you’re all just going to have to take my word for it. Ryan is the bin juice man. He’s the one that maintains bin lorries, remember him? He goes on about how unclean they are and they don’t smell nice.  He likes his job but he’s wanted to be a singer since he was a Bambino. He also says that he loves Karaoke and his favourite song is Rock DJ by Robbie Williams. He has his own dance routines and everything. Correct me if I’m wrong but Rock DJ isn’t as much a song to be sung as to be bellowed by someone off their face on ‘coffee’ without really ever needing to think about a tune. You may have to re-evaluate that one, Ryan.  Ryan’s family are behind him as he contemplates the immense magnitude of the audition. It’s what he wants to do.

Ryan arrives on the stage like the ghost of Peter Kay’s former career. He’s going to do the dance in a minute. Either that or exclaim “GARLIC BREAD” over and over for 10 minutes. He tells us his bin juice story again.  Nicole asks him how he’s feeling and he says he just feel lucky to be playing to everyone.  He gets his guitar out and starts to James Arthur the SHIT out of Get Lucky. Of course, everyone laps it up. Ryan sees it’s going down well and starts to pull some very interesting faces as he bellows louder, clearly making the X Factor rookie mistake of mixing up ‘intense’ and ‘loud’. All the way through we’re treated to Ryan’s dad getting more and more excited.

When he finally finishes, Nicole shouts that that was how it’s done. Louis thinks his voice is everything apart from rubbish. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. Sharon thought it was sensational. Funsponge thinks it was a great song choice, the crowd loved it and it was a great audition. Nicole wants to squeeze his cheeks so he’s summoned to the judges table like a trained chubby monkey and she does so. Four yeses.  No more bin juice for him. The judges bang on about how lovely he is whilst he hugs his family.

Next up is a group that have to impress Sharon. I don’t remember who they are, but one is wearing a CASUAL KILT.  I don’t remember them from Room auditions. They are Tenors of ROCK. The lead singer explains that they are a six piece without a lead singer. We go back to their room audition where apparently they sung their balls off according to Nicole but Sharon didn’t get it. They say that they’re like One Direction only they’re Wrong Direction. Apparently they want to Rock Out Wembley and list some of the people they’ve seen there, like Alice Cooper, Queen, Stevie Wonder and, er... Boyzone. They look like more of a gang of bank tellers on dress up day than a band if I’m honest, but we’ll see. They’re not important enough to have warranted a room audition so I’m not holding out much hope.

Louis instructs them to rock on before they start. They’re doing Livin’ on a Prayer and it begins quite promisingly.  Six part rock harmonies? No wonder Sharon was confused. I’m frankly bewildered. They bring the proverbial house down quicker than Brookstein given free access to Miley’s wrecking ball. Funsponge declares it the way to do an audition. Nicole thinks they both rocked and brought down the house. Louis liked the way they started out quiet and got louder and thinks they look like rockstars. Sharon fakes them out by saying it wasn’t good, it was BRILLIANT and they were electric. It’s a big yes. They hug each other backstage as the judges discuss how much they loved it. [Truly they were the Dad-Rock Princes and Rogues - Rad]

Adverts! Surely a KFC bucket for one is a useless invention? It’s not even going to be a proper bucket.

When we return, Dermot is making a big deal about girl groups having each other. This is mainly to introduce Hannah from Birmingham who ditched her best mates quicker than Paloma Faith at the bingo when there’s a meat tray on offer. She sits next to a girl group just to really emphasise the fact she’s on her own and terrified.

She arrives on stage and Louis psyches her out a bit by saying it’s her first time singing alone. He wonders if she thinks she’s made the right decision. She’s not sure as she hasn’t spoken to them since. Oops!  She sings and she’s clearly nervous. I have no idea who sings the song that she’s singing because I’m not down with the kids in the slightest but it’s about a skyscraper. [It's called 'Skyscraper', and it's by Demi Lovato. You're welcome! - Steve] Her mum cries backstage as the crowd lap it up.  Funsponge thinks she’s better on her own and she needs confidence to move forward. Nicole thinks she’s made the right decision. Sharon is a yes provided she works on her confidence, a yes from Funsponge, Nicole thinks she’s got work to do but it’s a yes. Louis makes it four yeses and she’s through to boot camp.

We’re moving on to a group montage. We start with Code 4, who are named after an urban dictionary entry.  I feel that this is a very dodgy way to name your band. I don’t want a band named after a dubious sexual practice doing a 3 minute slot on the lottery show thank you very much. Anyway, Code 4 can moonwalk and through the microphones about so obviously they are the best thing ever. They get 4 yeses. Next up are Xyra who look like someone put water on Bixmix and fed them after midnight. They’re a breath of fresh air and get four yeses. Next are Brick City and they think they’re the Black Eyed Peas but they’re clearly more baked beans. They get four yeses because of their tight vocals.

But as the judges wonder how they’re going to choose between the groups, another group are clunkily doing a piece to camera about themselves and how they need the crowd to be on their feet. They are Kyle, Ceecee and Luke and they are Dynamix. They’re going out there to show the judges what they’ve got. Ceecee has got her adorable child with her, who is apparently Dynamix’ number one (only) fan. She says that she loves her mum singing. Apparently the whole group has a fire but DC’s is especially bright because of her daughter who likes her mummy singing better than she likes  Peppa Pig. High praise indeed.

They arrive on stage and Louis asks them what they’ve come to do. Instead of saying ‘DUH SING’ like I would, they say that they’re there to show their energy.  They do this by pretending to answer a mobile phone and bellowing.  Ceecee bellows anyway, whilst the other two rap terribly. I mean, they make the forgotten member of MK1 look like Eminem. What do the judges think? Well Nicole only likes Ceecee. Louis thinks it’s good because every band has a front man. Funsponge levels with them and says that they’re not going to make the final 12 as a group. Sharon thinks the group is lacking chemistry. Funsponge then tears the group apart and asks Ceecee if she would like to go in the girls category. She replies that although she needs it for her daughter, she has to say no. Louis gives them a yes, Nicole a no, Funsponge can see potential so it’s a yes. It’s all down to Sharon, who is admittedly on the fence. They say they’re going to work hard so she gives them a yes. What the bloody hell was that all about? Sharon and Louis admire her for sticking with the group. Backstage Ceecee says that she has to stick with her friends.

More adverts!

When we come back we’re treated to another montage of contestants, which culminates in Chad Nelson the Cowboy arriving onstage with his tambourine. He treats us to an off key version of Rhinestone Cowboy. He was obviously put through at an earlier stage to wind up Funsponge and now that particular comedy pigeon is coming home to roost. He claims that he’s having mic problems. Funsponge suggests that the problem with his microphone is that he’s singing into it, which so help me Robbie I chuckled at. He gets four nos.

Next up is Sam Callahan who is Olly Murs with boys thighs and Beiber hair. He comes onstage with a guitar that he doesn’t use. He gets through because Louis likes his attitude and the girls will love him.  Next up is Zoe Devin who I’m not entirely sure isn’t Katie Waissel in disguise. Funsponge acts shocked. She’s singing God Bless The Child in that horrible affected way which seems to be the trend at the moment. She’s through because she made a retro song current.  It’s Joseph Whelan’s turn. He doesn’t have his mascot child with him this time but does a serviceable rendition of Sweet Child O’Mine. Funsponge says it’s all about standing out, which is of course what a man with brown hair does on this show. He’s through because he put on a show. Sharon cannot believe the calibre of talent. Well, the fact you’ve already creamed off the best ones should mean that this is the case for the arena auditions. [The logic of this show... - Rad]

But there’s someone coming up next who has earned their moment on camera. It’s Chrissy Rhodes, she’s 25 and she’s a wedding singer. She’s been doing it for a couple of years and she loves singing the bride down the aisle. We see her initial audition which we either haven’t seen before or is so memorable I’ve completely forgotten it. She’s worried about going from four judges to singing in front of thousands. She’s not sure how to prepare. She explains that when she’s singing at a wedding, the attention is on the bride but today it’s going to be on her. This is her one chance to get through, apart from the other one.

She arrives on stage and Louis asks her what it would mean to get through. She gives the stock answer – everything - and then the hand switches on the music.  She starts singing a song that is familiar by the lyrics but she’s singing it to the wrong tune. I recognise it when it gets to the chorus. It’s Young Hearts Run Free. If she was singing at my wedding I’d stop my ascent up the aisle to tell her JUST TO BLOODY SING IT. The thing is edited like I’m supposed to be feeling something so my stone heart decides to try and feel something for her. I can’t. Sharon loves it though. She says that it’s clear she’s honed her craft singing at all those weddings and her voice is clear and beautiful. Her mum is proud backstage.  Funsponge things her voice is lovely to listen to and she made a good song choice. Nicole thought it was effortless and beautiful and she liked the fact that everyone was quiet. Perhaps they were just trying to figure out the songs. She gets four yeses in what is perhaps the most useless cliffhanger in reality television history. Of course she can’t believe it and does some whooping and hollering in the white room.

Adverts! Please let’s hope these are the final ones.

So as this is the last 15 minutes or so of the programme, the pressure is on for bootcamp apparently. First to up in this segment is Giles Potter from Worcester, who is wearing skinny jeans so tight they make him mess up his lyrics. He makes a car crash of Reet Petite. Funsponge tells him that he needs to take things more seriously. Sharon puts him through on the strength that he’s pretty got potential. Funsponge takes him backstage and said that he only pointed out that he was crap so that he’d do well.  He says that most people have 90% voice and 10% charisma (he’s definitely referring to himself here) but he’s got too much charisma and not enough voice. He’s got to listen, but Sharon reminds us all he’s through by a fingernail. Apparently this all means that the boys can’t handle the pressure.  We get a montage of shaking heads with directional hair. [Aww, I was hoping when he screwed up that they'd send him home, just because he was too sweet for this show - Rad]

Jack Jacob can’t. He seems resigned as soon as he opens his mouth. He gets four nos. Sascha Neersoo is singing How to Save a Life and I imagine him giving me mouth to mouth. HURRRRRRR. Funsponge wonders aloud how he would do if he came out and sang looking at the floor whilst stroking his top. It’s a no. Backstage someone remembers that they have to impress Sharon. His name is Paul Akister and he was the white man singing about his struggles with the segregation movement in America in the room auditions. He’s worried because he’s shy and his confidence has always been an issue. He’s normally the guy in the background. At this point it hits me that he looks like an adult baby version of Robbie Williams. Do you know what I mean? I know what I mean. Sort of like a taller, shaved, pre weight loss Adam Richman. He tells Dermot he’s been working on his stage presence. He’s been trying to show his feelings but he can’t. Apart from when he’s singing. He’s not shy then. He’s hoping his shyness won’t let him down today.

He bounds on to stage and introducing himself. He tells Sharon he’s been working on his stage presence. He’s not been working on song choices  though cos he’s still going for soul stuff. I don’t know what song it is. His idea of stage presence seems to be wandering around the stage with his eyes closed though, which can only be a recipe for future hilarity. He’s so bloody cute despite all of this that I can’t even stand it. Nicole is proud because he came to take it. Funsponge loves the fact that he’s a quiet guy that comes alive with music. *COUGH* MARTY SUE *COUGH*. Sharon thought it was fantastic and Louis thinks he’s full of old school soul and this is his moment. Four yeses. Because he’s worth it. KEY CHANGE.  Nicole is happy to have a boy come out singing. Dermot loves that he’s quiet and now he’s loud.

That’s it for the Arena auditions, bring on Boot Camp!

This year, boot camp is BRAND NEW. It’s got something to do with stools. Westlife stools, not poo. Join Rad next week to see how the first of those pans out.