BOOT CAMP!!! Part 2 – 29th September 2013
LAST NIGHT! Rad saw you through the first part of bootcamp, which was all about the ladies. The girls. The females and a little bit of the overs. Tonight is presumably going to be about the remaining overs, groups and the boys but the way things are going recently, it could be about anything. Something tells me that Funsponge Ruxpin is not going to let this show be about the boys with five minutes of groups tacked on to the end. We’ll see.
We begin, as always, with a montage. Nobody is safe until everyone has sung. Dermot welcomes us to BRAND NEW BOOTCAMP which is just like old bootcamp except they’ve been up the road to Ikea and bought some chairs. Not ones to be outdone by gimmicky reality TV shows like The Voice, the X Factor have put their own “spin” on Chair Based singing contests by having six chairs lined up on stage that can be given and taken away at the whims of the judges. They were used as a means of creating drama and for Nicole to pick her final six girls. How much must the others love her taking up so much screen time? She must be as popular as Sinitta at the Cowell baby shower.
We’re beginning with Shelley. She’s the non Meaty Minge style woman with the booming voice and interesting facial expressions. Because she’s no cliché she loves singing more than anything else and she felt at home on stage for her audition etc etc etc zzzzzzzz. The reaction was beyond anything she thought. She also has a cute kid to win hearts with who has told her not to dare come home with a no. She’s looking forward to being on stage and being accepted for who she is, chubby cheeks and everything, would be her ultimate dream. Oh would you ever just shut up? Your singing voice has got nothing to do with you as a person! People only accept your batshit craziness if your some kind of established creative genius, not because your mates tell you you do a good Whitney after seven Woo Woos in Yates’. She’s on. She strides on stage and calls Sharon darling. She then drags out her poor kid before murdering Respect by Aretha Franklin. She ballids it to within an inch of its life then she kicks it to death by adding an acoustic guitar backing. NOT COOL SHELLEY. They bloody lap it up though. She’s got a kid! She drives a van! She’s the anti Broken Britain! Funsponge admires that she can sing both high and low notes. Louis thinks she’s special. She thinks he’s special too. LOL DISABILITY JOKES. Sharon asks her to lay off her man. Nicole’s opinion isn’t important. She gets a stool. She mouths ‘thank you’ at the judges before they drag her poor daughter on to the stage to make a lovely television moment.
Dermot justifies his presence by counting the seats for us. Four are taken and there’s two to go. OH MY GOD WILL THERE BE TENSION? SURELY THESE CHAIRS ARE NOT JUST A DRAMATIC PROP?! Next up is Katie Markham who is a tribute artist. We don’t get to know who for. It looks like Effing Lulu though. They love her. She gets a seat. She’s never been on before so I’m assuming she’s a bit of a redshirt. Dermot points out that there’s only one seat to go but that means NOTHING DERMOT because anyone can get chucked out at any time. Next up is some busker cannon fodder who is called Andrea McGee who’s singing River Deep, Mountain High and drumming at the same time. She also gets a seat. Funsponge thinks she’s different. Dermot then talks about chairs and numbers but I think it’s safe to say we all get it.
It’s now the turn of someone else we’ve never seen. 26 year old student Lorna Simpson. Sharon’s death mask tells her that all the seats have gone but Lorna doesn’t care. She’s here to take a seat. She wheels out the Whitney too. She’s also ballided it. Let’s just all pretend the 80s didn’t happen, shall we? There was no disco soul. These songs cannot be sung like that ever again. She breaks into some serious vocal acrobatics and everyone loves it, including the six sitting on the chairs, who are seemingly not aware that if she gets a seat one of them loses theirs. Funsponge calls it the surprise performance of the night. Nicole compares it to a boxing match and Louis thinks she nailed it. He wonders what Mrs O is going to do. She’s made her decision, she wants her in the top six, but she has to boot someone out. New Meaty Minge doesn’t like this at all, but it doesn’t mean anything because it’s Sabrina that loses her seat. Sabrina leaves the stage with her head held high as Louis tells Sharon she did the right thing. Sabrina interviews how shocked she is whilst Lorna says she didn’t want to do that. Are you watching, other five? Cos that’s what graciousness looks like.
Zoe Devlin is last up. She’s last up and she’s doing it for her little girl. She got a little bit in the last Arena auditions show so she’s probably going to be good. She looks like Katie Waissel’s evil twin from the 50s. She’s singing the best song about Negging ever, You Are So Beautiful (To Me). [I refuse to believe that the best negging song ever isn't a One Direction song. The odds are so heavily in their favour. - Steve] She immediately annoys me because she gives it all “I really want this” eyes and “I’m so humble” head bobs. Sharon tells her that she’s very different and she wants her to have a seat. However, this means that she has to chuck one off and she’s not sure who. She takes it to the other judges. Funsponge wants to chuck Joseph off on vocals. Joseph immediately starts having a tantrum because someone forgot he HAS A SON and they CAN’T DO THIS TO HIM. He has to be told to sit down. Oh Joseph. The tiny, tiny glimmer of respect I had for you has now left the building. It’s not him though. She goes with Louis’ suggestion of Katie. She starts crying, as does Joseph because he’s an utter twat. [SMH - although if he continues to act like Brookstein I am intrigued as to how Sharon will handle it - Rad] Katie tells Dermot she had more to give as the final six overs congratulate each other. Meatier Minge phones her kids who scream at her.
We move on to the groups. This year we have not escaped the curse of the frankenband as “Gary” “put together” some leftover girls and Cici that wouldn’t abandon her group and two girls that got a no. Cici says it’s been an emotional rollercoaster of a 24 hours because she didn’t want to leave her boys but she’s got a KID and a BRAIN so she’s going to give it a go. They’re given an office to rehearse in. He pops in to see them and tolerates them jumping for joy all over him. He thinks they look amazing together and thinks that they have a real opportunity to do well, not that he’s going to favour the band he put together personally over the others!
First up are Brick City, featuring the most ill advised jump suit since Rowland Rivron put on Anneka Rice’s one on Celebrity Come Dine With Me. They sing Like a Prayer. Nicole thinks they work well together. Louis thinks they’re a ready made pop group. They’re stool material all right. Hurr. Stool Material. That’s like poo. They haven’t thought this through.
Next up are Rough Copy. They call Funsponge backstage. Apparently one of them is still having Visa issues and won’t be able to go to Judges Houses if they did get through so he’s bowing out and they’re going through as a duo. They make the one without a visa watch to see what he’s done because there’s a Tory in the room. They do the impossible though, which is ballid a song which is already a ballid, Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis. It’s taken into new dimensions of turgid. Nicole would deffo give them a stool. Sharon uses the word Rough to describe their experience because HAHAHA that’s their name. Funsponge hasn’t thought about them as a duo but he thinks for a second and perches them on one of his chairs.
Oh the sweet mercy of advertising. Like any kid is going to Google glossophobia.
Next up are NVS that are like two lots of H and Claire singing the hits from Glee through their noses. They don’t get through. After them is the abomination that is the hipster boyband, Kingsland. Seriously. I’ve been off sick in the week and I watched all of Nathan Barley in one snotty, wheezy sitting and it did nothing to give me any anti-hipster antibodies against this lot. They, like everyone else, can’t believe they got this far and there’s no room for mistakes. Aside from the mistakes of their individual and collective births. They’re singing For Once in My Life from off of Motown wearing your mum’s wardrobe from the 80s and ironically dancing in unison. To say it is an abomination is an insult to Damien and his Omen. It couldn’t be any more portentous of a terrible tragedy if it was the Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding under some ladders with black cats chasing single magpies zigzagging across their paths. OF COURSE they’re going to get through. Nicole loves that they’re prepared and cute. Sharon thinks they have potential. Funsponge thinks their shit individually but good together and they have the potential to be a great boyband. They are, of course, stool worthy.
Next up is Xyra, who were the ones I made the awesome Bixmix joke about Last week. Louis loves that they can all sing. Funsponge was looking forward to them least but he gives them a seat. They’re followed by Tenors of Rock who are basically the cast of a suburban production of We Will Rock You. Funsponge thinks it was a great performance but because it was a bit too much fun for him he has to question the relevance. He gives them a seat to chuck them off later. Code 4 are next. They do good leg dancing for the Mams and a back flip which causes Nicole to get out of her seat. Funsponge admires their ambition and gives them a seat.
He’s already thinking about who to chuck off as his frankenband arrive to perform. They’re feeling the pressure because they’ve only been together a day. Cici has been feeling the ups and downs of being in one band yesterday and being in another today but she’s feeling blessed. They’re going to give it their all and try and steal a seat from someone. Cici immediately starts crying because she’s been given a second chance. They’re singing Love in a Hovis Face but it’s been ballided a bit. The harmonies need practice, in that they need some practice as opposed to none. Funsponge immediately looks supremely pleased with himself. The other judges pretend that they’re good too. Nicole can’t resist and points out that they’ve only been together a few hours but they shine bright as a three piece. The other groups know that one of them is for it. Gary bangs on about how big a decision it is before deciding to punt someone else. Nicole thinks they deserve it. Nobody knows on what merit this is. He gets rid of...
Oh let’s find out after the adverts. Ooh, that’s where my last speck of respect for Natalie Portman went!
We’re back and Dermot explains the chairs thing AGAIN. As does Funsponge. He boots out the Tenors of Rock and wishes them luck. They interview that they’ve sacrificed everything so they’re really disappointed. Never mind! Next up its Next Of Kin, who are not so much 911 as 999 with Michael Beurk. Next of Kin are the ones that were supposed to be the British Hanson but were shit so they didn’t make it. They’re singing Rule The World which is a brave move because even Funsponge admits that he doesn’t like being outdone. They Cardle it to shit and everyone loves it. Louis trolls that it was better than the original. Sharon thinks it was a bit old fashioned. Gary says that he loved their original audition but he hasn’t loved the rest of the performances so they’re off. BYE THEN. Sharon thinks that they couldn’t be worked with any more and his final six are complete.
So finally, it’s Louis’ boys. I’m going to try to get through this section without making a cheap joke at the expense of Louis’ sexuality because I’m a bit bored of it to be honest. I saw Denise Bloody Welch make a dig at him on live television about preferring to give his attention to boy bands and I’m a bit sick of all the nudging and raised eyebrows. We at Bitch Factor don’t agree on lots of things but we have all agreed on the awesomeness of Louis Walsh in the last couple of series and to be honest I think that he got this category so cheap jokes could be made on the Xtra Factor by people who are not BLOODY MATT EDMONDSON. Sorry, but I think we’re way past the stage where it’s acceptable to make jokes about men not being around younger men because of their sexuality. (Time of the month dear? YES WHAT OF IT). [Here, have a promotion. You've earned it. - Steve]
First up is 19 year old Sam Callahan. He thinks this could be monumental and he’s going to work his balls off. He can’t go back to being a normal kid cos he isn’t one. No. He’s a sub Olly Murs twatface chopping away at a cheap guitar. Louis wants to know if he’s ready. He’s as ready as he’ll ever be. He sings Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls and he’s doing this weird thing where he sings one line quiet and one line LOUD. Sharon thinks he won her and the crowd over. Funsponge thinks the vocals weren’t great but he’s likeable. Louis likes his passion and the fact that he came out fighting. Louis wonders if he’d win the competition for him. Sam thinks he will. Louis isn’t so sure. The other judges are indignant. He’s stool material.
Next up is 24 year old Paul Akister. Remember him? He’s the generic brunette white bloke that likes to sing songs about his struggles as a black man in segregated America. He sings I Would Rather Go Blind with an acoustic guitar backing that in a just world would only get him through to the next circle of hell. He lives up to his job title of Pub singer. He is cute though. Very cute. Sharon loves his hot chocolate soulful tone. Funsponge thinks his voice is fantastic. Louis isn’t sure if he’s *looking* at someone who’s going to sell records. He gets a seat though.
Here’s he hilarity section, its Barclay Beals the yodeller. He thinks yodelling again might be a massive risk but nobody got to Louis’ house by playing it safe. He starts singing Respect and it’s fine, if a bit generic. Then he just sticks a bit of yodelling in the middle. FUCKSAKE. Sharon demands to know what it’s all about. Funsponge thinks someone has changed the channel on the radio. Louis thinks it was brave but doesn’t put him through, stating that not even he could do it. Ah well, fair dos. [It all just screams Britain's Got Talent to me - Rad]
Adverts! Oh Dani from Hollyoaks. It was never going to go anywhere other than yoghurt.
It’s Alejandro’s turn! Remember him? He sang in Spanish and made Nicole come over all unnecessary. He’s back to win over the ladies. He’s doing that by singing the Wand Erection song about how it doesn’t matter that you’re fugly because they’re never going to tell you about it in case you think they’re mental. It’s boring. Sharon likes the song choice. Nicole misses the Spanish. Louis thinks he’s good and the girls like him. Talk about damming with faint praise. He’s through anyway. He can’t believe it.
Backstage, the boys see three seats and five of them. First of the last five is Bin Juice Ryan Mathie. He’s singing a song in the club style. I don’t know it. Sharon thinks it was a good performance and Louis gives him the last seat. Nicole thinks he’s as sweet as pie. Next up is Luke Friend who has picked up an awful lot of annoying habits and affectations for a 17 year old. He sings Alone by Heart with an acoustic guitar. It’s fawful. Sharon doesn’t think it was his best performance. Louis is worried by it but gives him a seat anyway, presumably to boot him out of it.
That leaves one seat and three boys. First up is Giles Potter who made a car crash out of Reet Petite last week. He’s stepped up his game since the arena audition. He’ll be devastated to get a no. He arrives on stage and tells the judges he’s been preparing. He starts singing I Won’t Give Up by Jason Mraz. Apparently it’s his best audition to date and he’s ONLY SIXTEEN so Louis is obviously worried about him in the live shows. He’s STOOL MATERIAL (I’m not tired of that joke yet so you’re not). He breaks down.
All the seats have gone but nobody is safe! Yes, we get it. It’s the 19 year old football coach Tom Mann up next. He arrives on stage and says he’s ready. I’m not ready for what happens next. He basically channels the ghost of Janet Devlin and starts burping his way through Girls Just Wanna Have fun and like Rachael’s trifle, IT DID NOT TASTE GOOD. Funsponge pretends to like his voice and thinks it’s distinctive. Nicole didn’t like the song choice. Louis can’t in his heart of hearts say he’s better than any of the other six. He’s going home. He’s upset not to be good enough.
Final Ad break! Oh this is only an hour and a half and it’s felt like forever. The next recap I do will be a live one and they’re three days long.
Who’s last? It’s wee Scottish Nicholas who’ll have to give the performance of his life to oust someone from their stool. He interviews that everyone deserves their place in the final six but to go home with a no would be devastating. He’s wee, cute and wearing a t shirt with ‘jock’ on it. They ask him how he is and he says he’s feeling the pressure now all the spaces have gone. He’s doing the same song as Giles Potter. He not only shows Giles how it should be sung, but endears himself to everyone too. He shows Giles up to such a degree that I have to wonder if Giles’ parents are owed a massive favour somewhere because I can see no other reason why he’s through. The boys on the chairs look various degrees of DOOMED as Nicholas gives a proper performance. The audience are on their feet. The other boys daren’t shift an inch. Louis wants to know if he’s happy. He is. Sharon thinks he sung it well and should be proud of himself. Funsponge thinks Louis needs to give him a seat. Nicole would definitely put him through. Back to Louis and he’s putting Nicholas in his top six but someone needs to go. Giles surely. It has to be. Come ON. Giles is still crying as ALEJANDRO is booted out to make way for Nicholas. Alejandro is very gracious about the whole thing though, thank goodness. [Oh, Alejandro. I will miss your eyebrows. Please come back next year. - Steve] Giles cries some more and the final six boys settle down into their seats. Alejandro is gutted and Louis claims he went with his heart.
So that’s it! 24 acts now remain and their one step closer to their dream. Next week is Judges houses which mercifully for the first time in my Bitch Factor history I’m not recapping. YAY! Join Steve then Rad next week to find out how that goes.