Sixcrime (2012)

Top 6 perform: 'Guilty Pleasures' week 

17 November 2012 

Last week!  We learned that the ‘best’ of British music is a load of turgid old ballids!  The bus they’d been trying so hard to shove at District 3 since week one finally reached its destination!  And Helen recapped it all for your pleasure!

This week!  It’s that most offensive of all themes, Guilty Pleasures – but I’ve made my opinions on such matters clear before so moving on… every judge has one act left, except Queen of All Things Nicole who has ALL THREE – that’s as many as the other three put together.  Amazing.  (Even if one is Jahmene)  Also amazing?  That this is the shortest show ever – only six performances!  Hooray!

Cue Giant X!

Dermot enters to ‘Holding Out for a Hero’.  Suitwatch: purply – although that may just be the lights.  Ugly, obviously.  He has on Hammer pants and a group of dancers rip them off him as 'U Can’t Touch This' plays. [Even the Hammer pants looked boxy. - Steve] The judges enter to ‘The One and Only’.  Nicole has an origami tribute to Giant X emblazoned across her boobs.  Otherwise their costuming is somewhat unremarkable.  Dermot reminds us that Nicole is the best mentor ever and opens the phone lines.

Up first it’s “Josh, JJ, Jorge and Jaymi”.  For no reason other than product placement, I presume, they’re off to Disneyland Paris.  The boys are in awe about being in a FORRIN COUNTRY as if EuroDisney isn’t entirely full of Brits.  They perform on some fugly fake ice stage with a big ‘20’in the background.  As twentieth anniversary celebrations go, it’s all a bit… cheap.

Bless them, they’ve all come dressed as Dermot in an array of ugly suits as they do ‘Call Me Maybe’.  The One Direction memorial autotune backing vocals are present and correct; Scott-Lee J is still getting the bulk of the vocal; I would still struggle to pick Other J out of a line-up; George’s creepy puppet smile is still present and correct; there is a plinth. Essentially, it’s Union J by numbers.

Tulisa whines that she hates the song – surely doing songs some people might hate is the point of the theme week?  Anyway, she whines about it some more.  And then again. Borelow likes their ugly suits.  He would.  Nicole is sick of seeing them on plinths - although she calls them boxes.  Poor the plinths!  After all their hard work over these past few years.  And to be compared to a lowly box?  Surely the biggest insult of all?  Then everyone mentions them ‘winning’ the ‘battle of the boybands’ like that was ever even a proper thing.

Ads!  Aled Jones is on Daybreak?  So their entire cast is looking like a Strictly reunion these days? [Lorraine Kelly for Strictly 2013! Hey, a boy can dream. - Steve]

Ella is next. She loved performing in Paris but was worried that ‘people in France’ might not know who they were. [Given the results of this week's phone vote, she should probably be more worried about the people in the UK not knowing or caring. - Steve] See above for the comments on Brits at EuroDusney.  She also went to the Twilight premiere.  Because she is SIXTEEN and a GIRL, Ella is a big Twilight fan.  None of the men went, apparently (whoops, spoiler).

As for her performance, she’s doing the same ballid dirge she always does, except this time it has the lyrics of ‘You’re the One That I Want’ (which is a duet missing a duetting partner, not for the last time tonight).  It’s like Ella is chronically afraid of anything with a vague tempo, isn’t it? 

Unsurprisingly, Funsponge loves it.  Nicole said her favourite Ella performance was ‘Believe’ because that song touched her, as a big o’ fag hag, but this one was a shit choice.  Still, Ella has a nice voice and is SIXTEEN.  Fun facts: If Grease were made today, it would be set in the 1990s.  THINK ON THAT.

Louis then calls Tulisa a WAG because of that footballer she’s meant to be seeing and Tulisa snarks back that she’s a WAF: ‘Was Always Famous’.  That's not a thing.  What does that EVEN MEAN?  I don’t even…  I mean WAG is not a term I like and I find it generally offensive, but it was even used for Victoria Beckham and HRH Cheryl, so if the tabloids are going to use it for them, Tulisa, then... I’m also a bit disappointed there was no lame ‘wag-ash-breath’ type comment. [Also, the general idea that most of the public could've picked Tulisa out of a line-up 18 months ago...yeah. - Steve]

James is next, and he mumblevoices about really wanting it, in that same voice he’d use to say he really wants to go to the dentist.  His VT is about him having a ‘bromance’ (*insert a few seconds’ gap for everyone to do an ‘I hate that word’ rant*) with Rylan, who is helping him see the lighter  side of life, all in monotone – although not so light that he can speak with any expression.

James is worried he won’t get a recording contract if he doesn’t win.  Oh James.  I’d be more worried about the record contract you’d end up with if you DO.

He’s doing ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off You’.  The internet tells me this is the Lauryn Hill version, so his Cardle trajectory of singing women’s songs continues apace.  The arrangement is vaguely reggaeish with a second guitarist and a djembe player and James himself on the Journey South memorial guitar of irrelevance.  It’s – by his standards – somewhat upbeat and almost happy.  Staging-wise, he’s surrounded by projections of TV monitors featuring himself which is somewhat unnerving… or at least I thought at the time, before I saw THE THING THAT IS COMING IN A COUPLE OF SONGS’ TIME.  I quite liked this performance though – primarily because it wasn’t that ballidy and was a little bit less miserable than usual, making him the only act of this lot to have vaguely changed from his usual schtick.  Hey, it’s slim pickings this year, alright?

Louis says he’s a ready made artist and will definitely get a record deal. Tulisa says he is credible and cool, like an unsigned act in Camden.  So a total try-hard hipster who can’t get a record deal then?  Harsh words, Tulisa.  Gary  says he loves him, and leaving aside his own act (as he would dearly love to), he wants James to win and he loves everything about him.  Nicole says ‘we can’t take our eyes off you’ (to groans) and that he stripped everything back for his performance.

Dermot says ‘Barlow, you’ve opened yourself up to a world of pain’ – Maloney shaped pain?  Dermot mentions acoustic thing, James wonders if it’s ever been done before – a totally live acoustic performance – what, in the history of forever, James?  Yes, I’d think so.  MTV used to run a whole series of them, back in the days when the M stood for music. [Also, didn't Dermot himself used to host a whole series of them in the early days of BBC3, or am I misremembering that? - Steve] Assuming he means this show, I’m not sure if that’s a subtle burn on Union J or on Journey South and their memorial guitar of irrelevance and all those who’ve used it since (rest in peace Matt Cardle and a legion of other brunette anoniwhiteblokes).

Dermot reads out a tweet from Ed Balls telling Tulisa off as Carly Rae Jepsen is the hit of 2012.  This is the cue for Nicole to runs with this – screaming VOTE FOR BALLS as loud as she can.  You asked for that one, Dermot.  (Ed Balls then tweeted Nicole in a slightly creepy way asking her to ‘call me maybe’, so he’s probably been blocked by now.  Was he playing the drinking game tonight, do we think?) 

Dermot asks the judges their guilty pleasures?  Nicole says 'Push It', and sings it and dances about.  Not in the least bit guilty as a pleasure, but then we’ve had this argument before.  Funsponge says ‘Rick Astley’, although he doesn’t name the song.  I bet it’s ‘Hold Me in Your Arms’.  That seems like the kind of fun level he could cope with.  Tulisa votes for the Backstreet Boys.  Tulisa suggests Louis’ might be N-Dubz.  Louis says he’s never heard of them as he doesn’t have urban roots.  Heh.  But also, poor Mark One.   He says he has two guilty pleasures: Englebert Humperdink and Take That.  Funsponge tries to take umbrage but fails because he has no legs to stand on.

Rylan is up next.  He reminds us that last week he basically achieved all his life ambitions: he skydived, met Geri Halliwell and did the Spice Girls on the show and it was the best week of his life.  They mention some holiday park or other he’s going to this week and he and Nicole try to speak ‘French’.  Nicole’s contribution: ‘bonjour; japelle’.  Bless. 

At EuroDisney, Rylan says ‘literally’ thousands of people came up to him and people gave him their babies to hold, ‘like I was a childminder’ and he hopes the children vote as he didn’t drop any of them and he deserves votes just for that.  Love him.  He then, seemingly apropos of nothing, says he was in boyband in Ibeefa called 4bidden ‘cos we were well cool’.  He says that this week Paris had Rylan style, so ‘watch out he’s gone international’.  He’s a bit worried about working with props this week. Nicole says she doesn’t care if things go wrong and he’s bleeding, the show must go on and then she tells him to drop and give her ten.  Love these two.

We open with some Zovirax people (or Slabs for Doctor Who fans) dancing about before he comes on in a white PVC jumpsuit with lights up the legs and arms.  He’s performing a somewhat uncomfortable medley of Girls on Film and When Will I Be Famous?  There is a bevy of male and female backing dancers in lycra with him and then there are some treadmills, which the dancers drape themselves all over as well as doing a few half arsed moves that aren’t exactly OK Go.  They’re not even that Berocca ad.  Or that time they did the OK Go video as a task on Big Brother.  NotLouis would have made them work a LOT harder, is what I’m saying.  Speaking of NotLouis, I heard Demi Lovato was slagging him off to the press.  Bad Demi.  (OK, I know we didn’t exactly get his genius at first, but we’ve long since seen the error of our ways).  Back to Rylan, and he’s lifted aloft at the end and does the Brucie thinker pose, with 'Rylan Style' projected on the back screen – guess they’re allowed to use it now after they cut that bit out of his YouTube 'Gangnam Style' performance.

Louis loved it, and gives the time-honoured ‘you haven’t got a great voice but you’re a great performer’ routine.  Tulisa said wasn’t one of her favourite performances of his as this should have been his week and it was a bit of a comedown from last week.  What she really means is she loved the Spice Girls but is too young for Duran Duran/Bros. Rylan just thanks her anyway, bless him.  Borelow says the good news is he is famous, the bad news is ‘give it a couple of months’ – sure, but the same is true of all the contestants.  Rylan’s comeback? ‘A couple of weeks’.  Love him. 

Nicole asks which other contestant can sing and do a full body workout at the same time and says he takes a risk every week unlike some of the other contestants.  She wants everyone at home and even their babies to vote for him as he is shamazeballs.  Rylan says to Borelow that other people who do what he does but mime and he’s doing it live.  Borelow says in future, he should mime.  Rylan: ‘I’d love to mime’.  Then, Louis, out of nowhere - presumably after a sharp word in the ear from the producers, says ‘a psychic said you were going this week, she might be right’  Dermot reminds us of  Rylan’s boy band, and says they were a Take That tribute band.  We see video footage of them doing 'Could It Be Magic'.  Gary asks which one he was.  Rylan’s response? ‘I definitely weren’t you, I’m too skinny for that, G’.  Funsponge then gets up and threatens to ‘have’ Rylan.  Rylan jumps on the treadmill and starts running then does a little twirl and gives Dermot a big hug.  Whether scripted or spontaneous, that was entirely epic.

Ads!  Who is being paid more sackloads of cash?  Kevin Bacon for EE or Gary Oldman for O2?  Place your bets now!

Dermot says next up: ‘The two most feared words in this building, Christopher Maloney’.  I think he’s awful and even I’m becoming Team Chris after all the mudslinging this show is partaking in where he’s concerned.  In the VT, Gary says the key is for the judges to say bad things about him and for him to be the villain.  Gary then says Take That opened Eurodisney.  Or played at the opening.  Or went there when it opened.  Something like that.  There’s an incredibly awful staged bit where Gary pretends it was ‘ten’ years ago and Chris reminds him it was twenty – like Gary isn’t well aware of this fact.  Anyway, unlike the other performers who just repeat songs from previous weeks, Christopher ends the Disney show with a version of A Whole New World in his standard club singer style that makes it even more mawkish than it already was – which was pretty damn mawkish.  He thought the performance was amazing and he can’t wait to text Gary.  Ha!  Like he has Gary’s number, and even if he did, as if Gary wouldn’t have blocked him.

He’s doing Total Eclipse of the Heart, and I feel it’s always worth remembering this exists.  Clearly the producers are aware of it as the staging is a huge creepy incomplete mosaic of Christopher’s face and then lights start beaming from his eyes and get more and more powerful as the song goes on.  It makes last year’s burning Janet Devlin’s face behind her and the other week’s shipwreck video seem like the subtlest things ever.  This is seriously the most hilarious thing I have ever seen on this show.  And it’ll be even more hilarious if he doesn’t end up in the bottom two, much as I’d like Gary to be the first mentor out.  (Although I count him as first mentor out anyway seeing as he didn’t choose Christopher and clearly hates him)

Nicole says it was a lot to take in as it was hard to get through the face and laser eyes – he was creepy but he sounded nice.  I bet that’s what they said about Dav [Joke redacted – Bitch Factor laywers].  Louis-by-numbers says he hit all the notes, he does power ballads well, and people are voting for him, so he must be doing something right.  Tulisa snits that ‘We’ve all established that I won’t be buying the album’ like whether Tulisa would buy someone’s album should make any difference to anything.  She says he is consistent, and she’s going to admit defeat and lie that he sounded good.  Gary snipes that the staging ‘Wasn’t your fault, certainly wasn’t mine’ and through gritted teeth, says Christopher is a ‘fantastic guy, always a pleasure’.  Dermot asks about the staging.  Chrtistopher hysteriterviews that ‘Everyone says I have nice eyes but they were like two big torches’.  Dermot says he does kind of thing this every week, shouldn’t he have done some Radiohead in guilty pleasures week instead.  That was actually quite funny, well done Dermot.

Ads.  'Swagger Jagger' is way more guilty than anything else on this show.  Although not so much a pleasure.

Next up, it’s Nicole’s ‘Fighting little lamb chop Jahmene’.  Poor Nicole doesn’t get to do much in the VTs this week.  I miss all the ‘Nicole does normal’ stuff we had, much more fun than this Disney bollocks.  Anyway, Jahmene is surprised people like him and humblebrags that he hopes he can believe in himself  He says the other contestants are his close friends now.  The thing with Jahmene is that I assumed all this faux naïf stuff was a total act but the longer it goes on, the more I wonder whether I’ve been too mean and it is, in fact, genuine.  I still can’t stand the way he sings though, so at least something’s right with the world.

He wants to do his song justice, and he’d better – it’s 'Don’t Leave Me This Way'.  Unfortunately, it's mostly been ballided to Ella standards – although to be fair, it does ramp up to mid-tempo from a starting position of dirge.  But this should be a Hi-NRG falsetto and/or disco classic (I know the Harold Melvin version is a bit slower but sssh) and, if he’s doing the Communards version, then, like Ella’s song, it’s supposed to be a duet.  Although I'll let him off as maybe he's Thelma Houston.  He’s standing on a glowy plinth with backing graphics of syscrapers behind him, as if the show wasn’t trying to pimp him as hard as it could already.  As for the vocal – same as always, some OK moments here and there but drowning in a sea of melisma and screwed up eyes.  Better than that dirge Ella did though.

Automatic Louis recycles the things he’s already said tonight by telling him he’s a born recording artist.  Tulisa says she’s running out of ways to kiss his butt, much like [joke redacted – TBF lawyers]; She says he’s not the person from auditions, but has found himself as a human being.  WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?  Gary says his talent is ridiculous.  Well, that’s one word for it.  *Rimshot* He says he has too many ad libs at times but he’s great.  Nicole says she likes to call the ad libs ja-jazzles.  Fnar.  She then drops on the ‘he was sick this week’ story.  Tut tut, Nicole, you don’t need those gimmicks.  Louis snips about the plinth/box.  Nicole’s response? ‘Union J’s been on the box forty thousand times, this was his first time’.  Dermot says he looks unhappy.  Jahmene says he messed up a bit.  Nicole says he kept going and that was the most important thing.  And let’s face it, it was no Victoria Pendleton style meltdown, or even himself at Boot Camp.

Dermot implores us to vote.  I throw my unused police commissioner polling card at the screen and LAUGH IN HIS FACE.

Tomorrow: fucking Olly Murs.  For fuck’s sake.  Fuck off.  FUCK.