Three is a massive bum note

Top Seven results – 11th November 2012

Hello! I can tell that you were all worried that recapping this week’s X Factor had tipped me over the edge so I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know that it didn’t. I’m still here and I didn’t even turn to alcohol.  Those of you wondering how I can put myself through things like Turgid Poop Week without the aid of alcohol or illegal substances will have to continue to wonder because I couldn’t even tell you myself.

We begin with the acts standing in a semicircle and Durrbot insisting that it was called Best Of British week. His suit is grey and his tie is blue. It’s standardly ill fitting. The recap of last week handily tells us that Jahmene, District Three, Ella and Union J and James were good and Christopher and Rylan weren’t. Thanks for that, but I’ll decide for myself thank you very much.  

Tonight we’re promised Bixmix and Ed Sheerhan! [Considering Ed Sheeran wrote that shitty dirge that Wand Erection performed last night, there has been far too much Ed Sheeran this week. Of course, any Ed Sheeran at all is too much Ed Sheeran, so... - Steve] I’m feeling very precarious on my wagon here. Nicole is taking nothing for granted, Tulisa has high hopes, Funsponge and Louis are happy. IT’S TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC!

Durrbot is a humongous prick and welcomes us all back. He tells us that Bixmix have been on the X Factor before and Ed Sheerhan hasn’t.  Wow.

The judges are introduced as the Four Musketeers but they’re all for one and none for all. I see what you did there Durrbot. Please don’t. What are they wearing, you may ask. Well, I was just getting to that. Funsponge is in a jacket that appears to be black satin. It’s tight even by his standards. Louis is in a reddish spotty jacket. Tulisa is wearing a dress without sides and Nicole is rocking a sleeveless grey snakeskin number. All are poppied up, naturally.  Numbers!

Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse this weekend, the group song is a U2 song.  It starts with James, then Rylan, then Christopher. Everyone comes in on the chorus. The next verse is shared by Ella and District Three. Union J get the middle eight. It’s so dull that I’m breaking it down for you. Jahmene gets a high bit at the end. THIS IS SUCH A SNOOZEFEST.

I find myself waiting impatiently for the big recap with the extra talky bits. Christopher is only doing his best and apparently all the hatin’ is making his NAN ILL. Jahmene feels like he’s growing and that’s what’s good about the competition. District Three are unbeatable at harmonies according to Nicole and Borelow would do well to remember that. Tulisa bangs on about her URBAN ROOTZ re. Ella again [Pffft.  Ella is practically from a TINY VILLAGE like Lucy whatsit, except actually a village this time rather than a bit of Cardiff.  She's not even properly from Grimsby.  I am though.  FEEL MY URBAN ROOTS.  I even went to the middle school on the roughest estate in town.  GHETTO - Rad]. Rylan is happy just to have been allowed to do the Spice Girls.  Union J have a hug and finally Louis hopes the public get James.

But never mind all that, it’s BIXMIX! Bixmix are FOUR GIRLS who are SUPERSTARS and have had TWO NUMBER ONE SINGLES and are X FACTOR WINNERS. Their VT is basically their X Factor journey with a couple of bits from their videos added on. Zool Bixmix begins, as is normal. St Jesy has lost a heck of a lot of weight. Amelle Bixmix is a bit wobbly as usual. It takes ages for Other Bixmix to even get a shot. I like their new song. It’s a good song. It’s a lot better than you’d expect from an X Factor winner. [I quite like both of their songs.  I feel soiled - Rad] [I liked it better when it was an ad bumper. As a full-length song it's kind of boring. - Steve] It’s a good performance too, and I really feel like they represent me. They also definitely wouldn’t try to steal my boyfriend. When they finish, Tulisa seems genuinely proud and it’s very sweet. Durrbot congratulates them on their number ones and wants to know about their year. They’re loving it and they’re thanking the public. They make Amelle Bixmix do the talking as usual. Durrbot wonders if Tulisa is proud. She’s proud of her muffins. She’s happy they’re all grown up and it’s clear that they were meant to win. Aww. [Is a grown up muffin a loaf? - Rad]

Five minute warning! That’s for voting, sadly, not the end of the show. Adverts!

Durrbot welcomes us back and tells us that the lines are closed. What are the judges thinking? I was just wondering that. Durrbot makes a crack at Funsponge about him biting his head off if he goes to him first that doesn’t seem entirely like a joke. Durrbot wonders if the Queen would be proud of Rylan’s performance, as they’re close personal friends. Funsponge thinks she would. Durrbot tells the crowd to stop chanting Funsponge’s name. Funsponge thinks Jahmene stole the show. Nicole next, Durrbot draws attention to her table dancing and wonders if she’s proud of her boys. Of course she is. Tulisa thinks Ella did ‘Amazing’ and nobody should assume she’s safe. Louis can’t call who’s safe but he doesn’t want any of his bands in the bottom two. (SPOILER – AHAHA!)

The next guest is a BRITISH singer songwriter who’s finally getting the recognition he deserves. It’s ED SHEERAN! He’s sold EIGHT MILLION RECORDS and has 2 BRIT AWARDS. He also looks an awful lot like an Avenue Q puppet and annoys the shit out of me. [And me.  KINDLY FUCK OFF ED SHEERAN! - Rad]

Do me a favour would you? Indulge me for a bit. I am a music fan, I’m actually a bit of a music bore and will bang on about indie bands for as long as you’ll let me.  This may be surprising to you to hear that someone that writes about the X Factor to be a music fan but that’s me. I’m a curious creature.  My problem with Ed Sheeran is that he’s a bit shit but he’s lauded as excellent because he has a guitar and writes his own songs. This brings me to my favour. Go to your local music pub or any venue near you that does acoustic nights. Go and see some of your local people play their songs. I personally guarantee you that they will be better than Ed Sheeran.  Rant over.

When he’s finished, Ed and Durrbot pretend they’re friends but what follows is a thinly veiled passive aggression fest:

Durrbot- thanks for coming on the X Factor, I appreciate it.

Ed – Thanks

Durrbot – 6 singles off one album? That’s a bit greedy

Ed – I’ve always wanted to release that one, actually.

Durrbot – Congrats on your success, MATE. Are you on tour?

Ed – yeah, until September next year

Durrbot – ... Who is your favourite?

Ed – James Arthur

Durrbot – Thanks for coming on, I appreciate it.

Ed - *cringe*

If anyone knows WT actual F that was all about please let me know.

Adverts!

When we return, it’s time to find out what is happening. The acts return to the stage with their judges. I love how Nicole has all three of her acts left.  First act returning next week is James Arthur. Next through is Rylan, who just about flaps off of the stage, love him. Third act safe is Jahmene and Nicole still has a full sweep. [Nicole Schwotzerchops - best mentor ever. This is actually the furthest any mentor has got with all of their original artists intact in all nine series. Brava, Nicole. - Steve] Tulisa looks ready to kill. Funsponge congratulates Jahmene then says something to Nicole I can’t make out. Ella is next through and the final act will be announced after the break.

MOAR ADVERTS.

When we return, we’re left with the groups and Christopher. Christopher is the last act through. He and Funsponge play who can be the most ungracious as the crowd boo.

So it’s the battle of the boybands. A phrase that was used a few times over the last couple of days. Poor Louis looks devastated as District Three sing first. They’re doing Bruno Mars’ 'Just The Way You Are'. They look like they want to cry. I’m enjoying this a bit. Does this mean I’m a sadist? It’s a bit like kicking a puppy, this one. [Yes! Meanie!  Poor iddle District 3 - Rad] The performance, as always is dull.

Louis’ voice breaks as he introduces Union J. They’re singing an Adele song, the one about touching faces. As soon as the first one sings I know it’s them that are going through.

They go to Louis first, which seems a bit cruel but there we go. He apologises at least. Louis refuses to make a choice and Durrbot asks him again. Durrbot says this is FINE and he’s going to take it to the other three. It’s happened before so it’s TOTALLY ALLOWED NO TAKE BACKS. Funsponge says he thought the decision would have been easy for him as District Three have always been better vocally, which totally contradicts what he said last night. He thought the sing off was District Three’s worst vocal though. He’s disappointed, but he thinks that Union J wanted it more [/the producers wanted Union J more - Rad].  Durrbot goes to Nicole next, who thinks that District Three’s worst harmonies are better than most people’s good harmonies but Union J are more ready so she’s sending District Three home. This means that District Three are going home. Tulisa says she would have saved them but she would say that because it’s irrelevant.

Durrbot says that nobody can deny that District Three have good voices. ERRRRRRR, TRY ME. He wants to know how they’re feeling. They’re gutted, but they want to thank everyone for the opportunity. We see their time on the competition and it’s all incredibly dull. Louis is asked what went wrong. He says nothing went wrong, they just didn’t get enough votes and he hopes they get a record deal because they’re great to work with and a ready made pop band. Durrbot presses him and wonders why they didn’t get enough votes. The answer given is about too many boy bands.

So goodbye District Three. I was so moved by your treatment this weekend that I made a diagram of it.

Enjoy, everyone and join Rad next week for what is rumoured to be a guilty pleasures week. OH DEAR LORD. [*Sobs* - Rad]