Permission to Rylan-d

BRITAIN, BRITAIN, BRITAIN TURGID POOP WEEK! 10^th November 2012

Hello and welcome to British Week that is British! Lastweek! Studio gubbins, apparently. Who knew? They’ve edited together all the interesting bits of last week and it lasts one minute, and that’s just the bit that saw Kye finally end his reign of beige. It’s ok this week though, because Wand Erection are back and Nicole is still doing her British accent of awesome. [I like how the show was blatantly trying to get rid of the acts it hates: District 3 and Chris by saying how much they sucked and was all over the tedious inevitable final three - Rad]

The British theme means that Dermot is doing Austin Powers shtick though. Mercifully, his dance is brief. Suitwatch -  50 Shades of Blue and he fluffs it within the first fifty seconds. Oh Dermot. He calls Wand Erection by their proper name though, which is nice. It also takes a full minute for the first mention of the OH-LYMPICS.

The judges are introduced as two British Bulldogs, a Pedigree American and an Irish Wolfhound. Nice analogy there, Durrbot. Funsponge is wearing his usual, Nicole is rocking a white tuxedo, Tulisa wearing a gorgeous 20’s inspired dress. Louis is not wearing anything interesting. For shame. Dermot does claw back a bit of respect by calling Funsponge Gareth, but then loses it for saying that they’re doing the X Factor for their Queens and Countries which is opening a political and historical can of worms that he really, really shouldn’t touch at all. We’re encouraged to get involved in Twitter. I DID NOT KNOW YOU COULD DO THAT.

Judges interviewing time and we go to Nicole first. Durrbot wants to know how she feels about having three boys left and is urged to keep it clean. The boys have been preparing long and hard and they’ll be keeping a stiff upper lip. She then says stiff three times. I LOVE THIS WOMAN. Funsponge is reminded that he only has Christopher left. That will never, ever get tired. He still manages to look smug though, but that is his default face.  Durrbot asks him why he’s never in the bottom two when everyone clearly hates him. I’m paraphrasing. Funsponge wants to know why everyone is obsessed with doing Christopher down, which is a bit rich seeing as he didn’t put him through in the first place but who’s marking all the times when lord Gareth of Funsponge is inconsistent? (A. US) Gareth then blames the family of the other contestant and it so doesn’t matter anyway because even Rylan got booed and everything. Durrbot replies he’s only saying what he sees and Nicole winds Funsponge up a bit. He doesn’t reply because he’s a TEDIOUS FUNSPONGE. Durrbot, perhaps in the only intuitive presenter move he’s ever done, moves it on to Tulisa. She’s only got one girl left and what a girl she is. She only needs one to win. Durrbot then tries to pretend that there’s boyband rivalry which Louis is quick to point out is friendly. I bet it’s friendly. I bet there’s wrestling and everything. Louis says there’s no rules against lots of boybands which sounds a bit “We didn’t burn him” and says he would quite like a boyband final. Durrbot bets he does. Less of that, Durrbot. I don’t like your tone.

Are we getting any singing yet? No, because it’s the numbers time, which is running order time. Christopher, Jahmene, District cubed, Ella, Rylan, Union J, James. Only seven acts? AMAZING.

We’re starting with Team GB, which is team Funsponge. They’re doing the subtle “singing for Liverpool” trying to get him out the door thing. He doesn’t represent all men like Bixmix. As an aside, I caught a bit of X Factor USA and there’s a girl band on there that’s made up of soloists who have Bixmix’s actual script. They said the line about being sisters now. I’m not planning to watch it again but can someone please let us know when the American girlband will definitely not try to steal my boyfriend please? Thanks. Anyway, Christopher couldn’t believe it when Durrbot called out his name last week, along with the rest of the country. He says that the people booing him are just trying to ruin things for him and he’s only doing his best. Aww, bless. It seems like Kye has been selling stories about him too which he thinks are ridiculous. Funsponge mentions his battering in the press, but he’s going to make it better by singing a song by that singer that is so loved by the press, Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr Elton John. We see him practicing “I’m Still Standing” with Funsponge pretending to coach him into being less of a club singer. He can’t do it. Funsponge pretends not to want to hit him. We see Christopher practice his songs in different locations and different outfits. By Friday he can manage it and Funsponge deigns to touch him. He wants to go out and do it as Funsponge’s final act.

Let’s see, shall we? In an act of delicious irony, he’s wearing an actual RED COAT underneath his Cap’n Jack Mac.  Again, the only good thing about the competition is Louis’ face when he realises that he’s going to be able to hand Funsponge his arse on a plate. He’s doing his karaoke shite with some dancers dressed as bowling pins, which I can only think is an idea that NotLouis phoned in from America. It’s awful, let’s not pretend it’s anything else.

Nicole calls him Sweetpea and is going to be straight with him. She likes his confidence and he shouldn’t confuse it with arrogance. It got a bit lacklustre with nerves at time. It sounds great but he’s a bit of a karaoke king and she’s looking for a boundary breaker and that’s not him. Louis likes the song choice, the staging and the singing but jumps on Nicole’s Karaoke king metaphor. It’s true. You’ll see a Christopher in every Yates’ on a Saturday night having everyone come up to him and tell him that he should go on X Factor. [These people have got a LOT to answer for. - Steve] Louis is looking for an international star and it’s not him. He’s basically walking Heart Radio. That right there is why y’all should love Louis Walsh.  Tulisa is bored of telling him that she doesn’t like it. Her issue is that he’s got a great voice but he needs to leave the 80’s because he can’t make an album like that. Christopher hits back that Elton is the best British singer, like, EVAH. Tulisa argues that Elton John fans can buy Elton’s albums. I can’t argue with that. Funsponge wants to talk about Progress. This is no time to sell your album you dick. Apparently, this week has been about syncopation and being percussive. Eh? Apparently Christopher has nailed that bit.

Durrbot wonders what Christopher has to do to win the judges over.  Christopher just thanks the public for voting for him. He doesn’t care about his album, he just wants to sing. Durrbot calls him out on the coat and he says he’s always cold. PRIMETIME ITV, EVERYONE.

Adverts! Are we nearly there? Not even nearly.

We return and all the acts aren’t saying die. Over to Nicole and her lamb chop, Jahmene. We see the hate in Funsponge’s eyes when he realises how good Jahmene’s performance was last week. Jahmene interviews that he doesn’t think he’s that good. Nicole is upset that Jahmene is the only one that doesn’t believe in him. She cures this by shouting “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?” in his face. He says that he hates watching the performances back and he picks out the bad things. They watch it on a tablet together. Nicole thinks his biggest problem is self belief and confidence. There’s a montage of Jahmene putting himself down, because this show is PURE CLASS. Nicole sits on a sofa with Jahmene as he tells her that he thinks he’s only 60% good. She tells him to sing the song to someone or something to take it from his head into his heart. Because she’s Nicole Sherzinger, BITCH, she gets Jennifer Hudson (!) to phone up Jahmene to give him a pep talk.  Jennifer Hudson tells him he’s awesome and to remember that the crowd are people. [Although...I'm not sure I'd want advice on how to win a reality show from seventh-place finisher Jennifer Hudson. - Steve] I think the sentiment is better than the advice.  He’s shocked to hear from her and he thinks that if la Hudson can do it, he can. Nicole calls him a lamb then gives him the world’s most uncomfortable hug.

Jahmene is doing Angels. It begins accapella. That’s an ace idea, Jahmene, way to appeal to Funsponge. The camera cuts to him and he’s actually twitching. They’re pulling out all the stops or Jahmene. He’s got a choir and everything. He even tones down the vocal gymnastics a touch. It shits all over Robbie Williams too, sadly.  Heaven help me, I was moved. [I wasn't.  I admit Jahmene is growing on me in terms of personality but I still cannot stand the way he sings.  It's just horrible strained noise to me - Rad]

Louis thinks he delivers every week. He reminds us of his age, loves the song choice, he made it his own and he has star quality. That’s the full list ticked. Tulisa then calls Angels Old School. WOULD YOU EVER JUST FUCK OFF? That’s how you do it apparently though. She loves that he’s a perfectionist and encourages him to continue his self flagellation as it makes him better. She also says that what they said she said in the papers about him not being able to sell records was lies. I’m so glad I don’t read the papers.  Funsponge makes a sly dig about how often you hear Angels but he’s never heard it sung as well as that (OH IT BURNS) and that the key to Jahmene’s success is simplicity. Nicole says that Jahmene moves and stirs her, and tells the crowd off for thinking that she’s being rude when the song is about Angels. She hopes that he realises how great he is soon because then he’ll be unstoppable.

Durrbot calls his feedback a eulogy which is a bit creepy. He summarises his week of speaking to Jennifer Hudson and wants to know how he’s feeling. He’s fine. Durrbot then ruffles his hair because he hates that. Nice. He really does hate it. You can see it in his eyes. MAKE JAHMENE BELIEVE IN HIMSELF, EVERYONE, IT’S IN YOUR HANDS.

Over to the groups and even though Louis isn’t British he’s got a boy band with union in the name and the other named after a tube line. Tenuous. He introduces us to District Three, who haven’t been getting great comments. They’re confused because first of all they weren’t giving enough and now they’re giving too much. What they need to do is go back and watch their audition on a very specific brand of tablet whilst eating a burger. That will fix everything. They’re very grateful for Funsponge’s feedback because now they know what they have to do. The competition has made them more hungry for fame. They sit down on the SOFA OF BRITAIN to have a chat with Louis about their song choice. They want to do George Michael but that’s dismissed by Louis as ‘too karaoke’.  They suggest doing an Rn’B version of ‘Can’t Buy Me Love’. Louis wonders how that goes, because he clearly knows no Beatles songs and not because the public need to be reminded of what a great vocal harmony group they are. Look! They have a three part harmony ready already! Louis thinks that it’s a UK anthem. Louis then goes on to interview that they had a hard time choosing the song and there’s a montage of all the different songs District Three know. They tried lots of bands but they’ve settled on Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton. OH DEAR GOD. They’re stripping it back to just the vocals. Louis knows they can do it. If they get bad comments this week, they’re for it! Don’t do it judges!

District Three are on stools for this. There’s even a piano which one of them is pretending to play. What District Three have done her is taken a beautiful lament from one man to his dead son and turned it into a nasally, turgid, cheesy performance complete with winking and smiling, a key change, a Jesus Light and some chest grabbing. It may be the worst X Factor performance I’ve ever seen. Really. [But bless their little faces.  They are kind of adorkable in a could-easily-be-stars-of-their-own-CBBC-show kind of way - Rad] [Also, Helen, forgive me for correcting you: THIS is the worst X Factor performance you've ever seen, or indeed ever will see. - Steve]

Tulisa admires Louis’ hair in the VT and his decision to strip their crap back to basics. She loves them the most like this and it’s her favourite performance so far. Funsponge thinks it was great vocally but they’re not the next big boy band because they haven’t got the edge.  Tulisa thinks they’ve got the vocals. They made Nicole cry because she loves the song. She loved the arrangement and the vocals though. Louis thinks that as a vocal harmony group they do good harmonies and tells Funsponge to explain himself. He just shrugs and says that Union J have the edge. Louis hope everyone votes.

Durrbot tells off Louis for making Nicole cry then reminds District Three that they can’t do right for doing wrong normally but this week their same shtick seems to be working. One of them says they’re not worse than Union J, they’re just different because they’re more Rn’B. BOKAY THEN. Funsponge rolls his eyes at having his opinion disrespected. NUMBERS.

The sweet, blessed relief of advertising. WE ARE NEARLY HALFWAY EVERYONE.

When we return, it’s the turn of Tulisa and her girl. She urges us to make some noise for her little star, Ella. Ella interviews that she was the first to walk out and she’s only just realised that she’s the last girl.  She tells us she’s been to a launch party and met the Kardashians. A Kardashian mentions that Ella is the LAST GIRL and she’s doing it for the girls. The Kardashians interview that there’s lots of girls in their family so they’re feeling it for the LAST GIRL. Ella and Tulisa have a chat about being Tulisa’s LAST GIRL but she’s got to do it for herself and ALL THE GIRLS. Now, when you think about what the theme of Ella’s trajectory was, you would think she was going to be doing an Adele song but apparently she’s going to be doing a song by the Tiny Tempers called Written In The Stars. Ella feels she’s taken on a challenge because nobody has heard her version yet. She also can’t fail because she’s met the Tiny Tempers and sang for him and he helped to put her though. She hopes she can do it justice. Tulisa thinks it’s going to be epic and she has to blow everyone away every week. I’m not allowed to do Tulisa blow job jokes any more so someone else can have that one.  Ella is so grateful because she’s got more to give. VOTE FOR HER SHE’S THE LAST GIRL.

She’s doing a ballided version of the song, OF COURSE. She’s wearing Tulisa’s dress from last week and appears to be singing under something from one of Jordan’s weddings. It’s sung very well and taking an Rn’B song and Balliding it will no doubt give her the edge that everyone keeps banging on about. It’s all a bit yawn for me. She’s amazing, but she needs something a bit more exciting than this. [Anything that's not a ballid?  Or a ballidified version of a fast song? Just once? - Rad]

Funsponge thinks she’ll be here next week because she is the X Factor and he’s written down ‘Wow’. Nicole reminds her she’s the ONLY GIRL and she’s a righteous babe and Girl power and all that. She has one note that doesn’t make sense so we’ll just gloss over that. Louis calls her an old soul and says she’s the best girl since Leona but she should be aware of Tulisa trying to give her URBAN ROOTZ. Tulisa shouts at him for not knowing who the Tiny Tempers is.  Louis says he totally does know who the Tiny Tempest is and Ella is fantastic. Tulisa says the younguns would be happy with that performance. Tulisa urges us all to vote, especially the northerns and the girls, because she doesn’t want anyone assuming she’s safe.

Durrbot wants to know what it’s like to be the ONLY GIRL in the competition. She says it’s nice to have lots of big brother BECAUSE SHE’S SIXTEEN. Dermot urges us to vote for the LAST GIRL.

MOAR ADVERTS

When we return, Durrbot reminds us that it’s British Anthems night. We’re back with Nicole who introduces the fanlicious and best of Essex, Rylan Clark. Rylan reminds us that he sung Madonna last week and he ended up in the bottom two. He’s so happy to still be there, especially as he didn’t think he’d get through his first audition. When he heard the theme, he knew that he had to sing the Spice Girls, because he’s been a fan since he was a six year old girl. I love Rylan a bit for this, especially with this show’s lyric gender swapping agenda. We’re shown his Spice Girls Shrine. Nicole tells Rylan in the ROOM OF BRITAIN that she can’t wait to hear him do the Spices.  Rylan says that as a ginger kid he used to insist on being Geri in the playground. Nicole agrees that the role is undoubtedly his. They bring Geri in for him, in what can only be described as an apex of mentalness. Rylan is clearly excited at this and has a hysterical reaction. He says he would die if they became BFF’s. I think Geri wants to be his. Geri’s face doesn’t move as she tells him that he’s great. We see Rylan dressed up as Geri at a friend’s OH-LYMPICS party.  Geri calls him a Spice Boy and thanks him as he freaks out about dancing in front of her.

Can I just say as a little aside, I think this is the only time I’ve ever seen someone on  this show be genuinely excited (and grateful) to meet someone on this show since ABurke/Beyonce. Say what you like about Rylan, but at least he’s humble enough to seem thankful for the opportunities he’s been given. Rant over. He’s going to go out and make Geri proud.

Rylan is pretending to jump out of an aeroplane. [Like HER MAJESTY did at the LYMPICS.  Rylan for sovereign! - Rad] He’s then wired into the studio wearing a Union Jack suit. He does a Spice Girls medley with other boys wearing Spice Girls suits. He’s getting to be Geri whilst still being him. I don’t want to jump the gun, but I think that it might be the best thing I’ve ever seen ever. Not only is it a wonderful performance, it’s a childhood dream being realised. I’m genuinely moved here.  YOU GO, RYLAN!

Louis clearly loves it and calls him camp as Christmas. He’s not the best singer but he’s the best showman and he’s nice backstage. Job done. Tulisa thanks him for doing his very own closing ceremony. [This series is over then?  HOORAY! - Rad] Tulisa is glad she saved him last week because everyone enjoyed themselves apart from Grumpy Spice Funsponge. Let’s see what he’s got to say. He thinks it was brilliant funwise, and Nicole and Tulisa hug him for coming over to the fun side. BUT his vocals were diabolical. NAFF OFF FUNSPONGE. Nicole is all about having fun and gets up on the table because it’s a Rylan fun explosion. He didn’t just spread love, he sprayed it. I LOVE THIS WOMAN.

Durrbot says ‘yeah baby yeah’ but I think we can all agree that’s not allowed. He asks Rylan what he thinks. Rylan makes a speech at Funsponge about how he’s got better every week and he’s wearing a harness and still managed to do a good performance and he’s not going to change to suit him and even if that means he gets chucked off he doesn’t care. IN YOUR FACE. [Good for Rylan. He has the healthiest attitude to this competition since Stacey "There's Always Asda" Solomon. - Steve] He high fives a dancer then leaves.  Oh, I need an advert.

When we return, Durrbot is in with the friends and family which includes AYMEEECHUYLDS. It’s Union J’s turn. Apparently, their performance last week had a glimpse of brilliance. I saw that bit too. It was the bit when they were in tune. They think it was amazing not to be in the bottom two and they’re happy to be in the final seven. This week they want to do a ballid to show off their vocals. Apparently, they’re doing this for the army. Two of the J’s have servicemen for fathers. George’s brother is in the Royal Marines. The other one might know someone in the army, I don’t know. They’ve picked a song and Louis wants them to dedicate it to the BRAVE SOLDIERS. Oh dear lord.

They’re doing Fix You by Coldplay, which is the world’s most ironic song because it makes me want to break things. They have their own boxes for this number, which has more of an Amsterdam shop window effect than anything else. They leave the boxes for the key change then the choir arrive.  THIS ISN’T JUST MAWKISH, THIS IS THE FULL MAWK.  As my friend Ed says, if he was a soldier in Afghanistan, lying there bleeding and dying, he would be grateful that Union J thought of him. [Notice how only Scott Lee J and  Resentful J got to sing with the mics on.  Also Creepy Puppet George had on camouflage FOR OUR BRAVE BOYS, which I can't even... - Rad]

Tulisa thinks that Louis is on a roll. Louis claims it’s because he works hard. She’s happy they’ve found their market but she’s worried because she can’t call it. Funsponge thinks they’ve done a good job but there’s pitching problems. Unsurprisingly, it’s one of his favourite songs. He thinks they look like guys though. Nicole thanks them for recognising the BRAVE SOLDIERS. She’s glad one of them (I don’t care which one is which by the way, that information is of no use to me) has delicacy and power in their voice. Louis is proud of them for working hard and being relevant. He urges people to vote.

Durrbot wants to talk about the comments, which are the best so far. Their answer is drowned out by the screaming. I hear something about criticism spurring them on. Durrbot asks about the battle of the boybands, but apparently there’s no extra competition between the boy bands. What is the point of this segment?

AFTER THE BREAK – Wand Erection and James Arthur. That’s really going to urge me not to turn over.

Back over to Nicole, it’s the wickedly talented James Arthur. He thinks last week was amazing but he doesn’t know how to respond to compliments at the time. He says he grew up listening to the Stereophonics and the Rolling Stones so he’s going to sing an Adele song. I KNEW we wouldn’t get through this week without some Adele. James thinks she’s one of the best things to come out of Britain. He says the song that he’s singing, Hometown Glory, surprisingly reminds him of his home town and his family [it reminds me of that series of The X Factor where they used it over all the montages - Rad] [It reminds me of THINGS THAT ARE AWFUL - Steve]. In the ROOM OF BRITAIN, Nicole has a chat with him about making the Adele song his own and she wants him to continue. She thinks he’s up to the Adele challenge. He says he works hard to make the songs his own and it’s the hardest he’s ever worked. He honestly should come and do my job for a day. He’s there to win though. Nicole does a bit about how the song Hometown Glory is about hometowns and tenuously attaches this to bringing his sister in. His sister reminds him of home and how he wants to make everyone in his hometown proud. I’ll be the judge of that, thanks.

James is in another box. It’s bigger than Union J’s boxes though. If you want to imagine how dull it is, just imagine James Arthur singing an Adele song and you’re all the way there.  Louis loves it because James is a PROPER ARTIST and brings great musicality and he’s a brilliant interpreter of great songs. Tulisa talks about his special spins and her festival sets and I don’t break my television. She says she used to watch the show hoping that someone like James would be on it. Funsponge loves Adele, unsurprisingly and thinks that James is the only person who can cover her songs. He thinks that James is a fully formed incredible artist. Nicole calls him the dubstep future of music and he takes his passion and combines it with a fat beat. This makes him the best of British. Apparently.

Durrbot says that he “Swagged” Adele. Why hasn’t he been stopped? I demand to know. It’s a huge song and he’s MADE IT HIS OWN. He does that faux sincere thing and I really can’t be bothered. We go to his sister in the audience, presumably because he doesn’t have a nan.

Durrbot calls the X Factor the proud parents of Wand Erection. They’ve sold 13 MILLION ALBUMS and they’ve had 22 NUMBER ONES WORLDWIDE. I’m assuming that this is the number of countries because they’ve only got one song. They’ve also got 41 MILLION TWITTER FOLLOWERS. I had no idea that your number of twitter followers was a measure of quality. It is, however, a measure of just how mental your fans are. Seriously, they be crazy.

The thing that surprises me the most about Wand Erection is that the gormless one that couldn’t close his mouth is now the fittest one.  What happens is the usual. The Zaynwreck misses every note. Resentful Direction has lost his lovely hair. Harry is Harry and Tiny Nicholas Hoult direction does nothing. Their song is terrible. It’s full of the worst kind of Spragganisms. It’s that kind of kitchen sink that is so heavy handed they might as well throw an Armitage Shanks on stage and dance round it.  Durrbot is surprised that they’re doing a ballid. Harry hopes that everyone likes it and suggests stealing the set for his new flat. Oh such larks! Resentful Direction gets the audience riled up. They plug their album and their shows in February. [And then Resentful snipes at Harry, which is amazing - Rad] Durrbot is proud of them. I’m not. BYE THEN.

We get a recap then the numbers and it’s finally over. Join me tomorrow to find out who we are sacrificing to the altar of X.