Giving it 33%

Auditions 5 – 9^th September 2012

Hello, and welcome to a slightly delayed X Factor recap. The reasons for the delay are boring so you’ll have to trust me that they’re genuine. I have an honest face you know.  But anyway, you had Steve’s excellent recap of last week to keep you going so I don’t even know what you’re moaning about anyway.

We begin Sunday’s episode with a very loud woman in a louder shirt talking about the X Factor in the back of a taxi, because everyone’s talking about the X Factor, do you see? In between last night and now they’ve filmed a segment talking about Mr Nervous of Orange, edited it and stuck it in. The marvel of television. Everyone on the street is talking about last night in generic terms! He doesn’t know how good he is! What a voice! ET CETERA.

Anyway, tonight! Louis wants a star; Tulisa wants something fresh and different and hasn’t been done before. Oh, like hitting yourself in the face with a coc[REDACTED BY BITCH FACTOR LAWYERS]? Gary wants to be blown away. Oh, what a coincidence!

Titles!

Three girls get in the back of a black cab and ask to go to the O2 so I’m guessing we’re in London.  It’s miles from anywhere sweetheart; it’s going to cost you a fortune. [Seriously. Get on the fucking Jubilee line like everyone else. - Steve] Some boys are lost, someone’s excited to be sixteen and the taxi driver wishes the girls well, because that’s an excellent “you’ll never guess who was in the back of my cab” story.

All this excitement pales into insignificance with the revelation of the guest judge. Who is it that’s going to have us on the end of our sofas with excitement at their dazzling wit and sparkling repartee? Who’s going to shake up our Sunday nights and give the judging panel the well needed injection of wit and vigour that it’s been missing?

Leona Lewis.

Sticking Leona Lewis into anything in the hope of making it more exciting is a bit like bringing a sparkler to a bomb convention but we’ll see. Louis tries to justify it by saying that she’s been where the contestants are now.  Plus she’s a global star and that. Leona crows about the opportunity and how it’s changed her life.  Leona says she’s excited to be there in the manner of a lady asking for a cleanup in aisle six.

So, to the contestants. First up is a man that could only lose a “worst human ever” contestant to Arsetat this time last year. If there’s anyone going under the new “NO” banner on the @tellybitching twitter account it’s him. To make matters worse, his name is Eddie String. I’m not joking.  Eddie String looks like he’s been formed from the waste matter when they cloned Jonny Borrell from Razorlight and stirred in the clippings from Arsetat’s directional hairdo.  Cheese String is from Brighton but he lives in Worthing which is hashtag awkward because nobody else has a name like that but decides later on in the sentence that it’s a good thing because you want to be remembered if you’re going to be a rockstar. He wants to know how his hair looks before telling Dermot that he’s rock and roll. PLEASE. He says that Adele and Rhianna exist but nobody else wears women’s jeans and sings The Strokes.

That would be apart from The actual Strokes, Cheese String. 

Cheese String shows us his women’s jeans and he looks like Vic and Bob on jeggings day. It’s his dream to one day headline the O2. Good luck with THAT.   He gets shoved out on stage and goes on about how mental it is. Funsponge remarks that he seems at home and he says that he feels it. He then goes on to admit that Eddie String is his stage name so it can’t be all that hashtag awkward living in Worthing after all. His real name is Ed Wilkinson but he doesn’t like that so he’s picked a stage name. Funsponge asks him what the audiences make of it and Cheese String asks the audience.  Funsponge wants to know if he’s a comedian or a singer. He’s clearly auditioning to be the latest T4 Wanker With Directional Hair What Makes Me Feel Old Of A Sunday but Cheese String reminds Funsponge that singing is the premise of the show.  Funsponge does not have him burned for this.

Cheese String then proceeds to murder The Strokes in the first degree. He gets the words wrong and mistakes jumping around acting the twat for actual singing.  Funsponge is enjoying it though, but he brought Arsetat to our screens for too many weeks running so he doesn’t get an opinion at all.  PLEASE DELIVER ME FROM THIS, HE’S IN THE CROWD NOW.  I actually don’t understand this AT ALL.  Everyone loves it. I don’t know why. Leona enjoyed it and felt his energy but didn’t hear the vocals. Cheesy blames the sound man. Tulisa then nicks my joke (I’m watching and recapping at the same time, I honestly didn’t know she was going to use it) but she has to say she loved it. Louis thinks he’s a good entertainer and he reminds him of a little Mika.  Cheesy then reminds Gary that they share a syllable. Gary says that’s all they share. He needs to tone it back a bit but he likes his energy.  Four yeses. What is this world coming to? Cheesy has a lie down at this. He loves them all. They forget to turn Louis microphone off and he says that “he could be worse”. LOVE YOU LOUIS. Leona then makes a dig about how much the competition has changed since she was in it and it was about singing and RAY QUINN’S LITTLE FACE. [Stealth bitch Leona Lewis ♥ - Steve] Cheesy remembers that it’s boot camp next week and Dermot gets his first ‘buddy’ in for a little while.

WELL EARNED AD BREAK.

We’re still in London when we come back and there’s only one name on everyone’s lips. That’s Leona Lewis. Everyone calls her LeonaLewis and goes on about how great she is. Some girls hope they can Hackney identify, she knows what it’s like to audition.  The girl who ABSOLUTLEY LOVES Leona is 16 years old and from Romford. Her name is Amy. She’s a typical Essex girl. Even her Converse are vajazzled.  [Except they're bedazzled, which is the thing vajazzling was nicknamed after.  Also, discussing vajazzling pre-watershed?  HMM. This whole sequence was as horrible as last night's minor racism - Rad] She sings too much, even at school, and she’s been counting down the days until she turned 16 so she can audition. Is nobody else bothered that she’s only 16 and has a massive tattoo on her arm? It’s her dream to be on the stage. There’s an awkward segment where Louis pretends not to know what a vajazzle is. I’m leaving that joke to someone else.  They make Amy explain and she’s far too coy so she just talks about diamonds on your body. Louis then asks Leona if she’s had one. If she did, she wouldn’t say. He doesn’t ask Tulisa. I wouldn’t want to know either.

Because Amy is slightly chubby she’s going to sing an Adele song, as is the rules. She’s got a good voice but needs to learn how to control it and to lose the bad habits.  She also needs to find a foundation to match her neck but that’s small potatoes.  The judges look shocked because they’re basically a gang of shallow bitches that judge on looks.  They put the shit Mika looking guy through because he jumped around a lot and looked a bit like Mika. This girl looks like Jade from last year but sings with a bit of heart.  All her family cheer for her. Tulisa tells her things like she already knows, like she’s 16. She thinks she sounds older. Leona is glad she auditioned and she’s glad she was there to see it and hopes she goes a long way. Louis is wondering where the soulful voice came from and she’s why he loves his job. Gary admires her technique.  Louis thinks she’s got soul. Four yeses. Boom.

Amy rejoins her lovely seeming family who all tell her that they love her. The panel all go on about how much soul she has.  This is the only nice moment I’ve seen so far.

Next up, Georgia Garret loves Leona and sings with the most exaggerated mouth movements I have ever seen since I gave up pretending to be Mick Jagger in the mirror. Leona wasn’t expecting it. Georgia wearing 90’s lipstick and gets four yeses.  Charlotte Reavy who is 17 hopes to impress Leona by singing something that I don’t recognise that seems to be about Jesus that involves lots of extra notes.  Leona thinks it’s stunning and she gets four yeses.  Another random girl goes on about how Leona understands and Louis is probed about his age in a most unladylike manner.  Sharon Rose is up next. She’s 22 and nervous. She does a functional version of ‘At Last’. YAWNNEXT. Leona enjoyed it, Funsponge thinks it’s flawless, four yeses. Funsponge then interviews in the corridor that it’s been fun having Leona in and all the acts respect her and want to impress her [and want to buy her new album.  Please?  Syco needs one enduring success from this sorry format - Rad], which kind of seems to be the theme of this segment.  Thanks for that handy round up!

Jeez, four auditions between ad breaks?! Get one in, STAT.

We are still in London, but its Nicole Salamander back in the Danni Minougue Memorial chair.  We get a sneak at the judges back catalogues and past successes. Woo! It’s mostly band based which I’m sure will become the theme for this segment.

First up are GMB3, which are their first initials. They get called GMTV and GHD. I think I may go for GBH, because I’m fairly sure that’s what they’re going to do to my ears. GBH are fun loving lads, the kind that play X Box and jump on top of each other in a good clean heterosexual fun way. They’ve known each other for years. Two of them live together but it’s in a strictly Monkees type situation. They’ve been rehearsing like mad for the audition and hope to impress the judges.

Once they’re on stage, Gary probes them a bit further about their living situation. M lives with his mum and dad in Windsor and G and B live in a flat nearby. I don’t know what this has to do with anything.  Funsponge hopes they’re serious. They can’t be because they’re doing ‘I’ll Make Love to You’ by Boyz II Men. I wish I had the words to tell you how awful it is. I’m struck dumb by the sheer vibrato, nasal awfulness of the whole thing. It seems they’ve learned how to sing by emulating the worst kind of boyband rubbish.  It’s also very, very uncomfortable that they’re singing about sex when they’re clearly as sexually experienced as one of the Inbetweeners.

The crowd love it though. WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE? [Diminished expectations. - Steve] There’s SCREAMING! Funsponge tells them to get used to women screaming at them, he seems to mean it in a nice way but it should be in a sinister way.  It’s what Louis has been looking for and they’re giving him JLS level feelings. Tulisa tells them that their vocals are on point. I can’t even. Nicole thinks they’re ready and this is their opportunity. Funsponge thinks that their voices are great individually but they blend into a wonderful sound and he’s excited. Please, am I watching something different to everyone else? I’m really not getting this lot. [They sucked, you are quite correct. - Steve] Massive yes from Funsponge, Definite yes from Tulisa, long way in this competition Yes from Louis and an absolute yes from Shalamar. She’s impressed that Gary and Louis are impressed.  Louis would like the groups but Tulisa says that groups are her niche. Yes, because doing something once well by accident makes it your niche love.

Next up is someone with “music is the soul of the universe” tattooed on his arm?  His terrible band are MISOTU and they’re named after that quote. They’re like a crap(per) N Dubz. They make Funsponge do his interested meerkat face. Tulisa think they smashed it, Louis loves it. Yes.  Two girls with guitars called District Line do a Calvin Harris song to four yeses and lots of tears.  Aww. Three slightly chunky guys then come out and declare themselves completely unique. They’re called Duke and they involve beatboxing and a guitar and for some reason aren’t completely hateful.  They make Funsponge jump up and call it off the planet. Tulisa didn’t know what she was looking for until they walked in. Four yeses.

As an aside, it seems that this episode is about setting up people who are going to be more interesting or feature more heavily from boot camp onwards. This could be why we are pretending people who aren’t that good are really good and featuring lots of functionally good but boring booted out at judges houses stage fodder.  I sometime feel sad about how cynical watching the X Factor this closely is making me, but it is really good for being round people’s houses and telling them whether I think people are going to get through or not by the way they’re edited. I should start betting cash money. I’d make a fortune.

Another group walk out called MK1, which is what they called Mark One before it died a death.  One is called Will and is 27, Charley is 19 and Tim who is 24. Will and Charley have been friends for five years (!) and they met Tim and recruited him.  They are friends because they loved music. Tim made them MK1 though.  All members of MK1 bring something different. Tim is in charge of “Fresh Wraps” which is good because one always needs a snack. Charley does vocals and Will does the slightly creepy WHY ARE YOU 22 AND FREINDS WITH A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD thing.  Charley explains that their friendship is founded on music. They’ve put blood, sweat and tears into their music. They tell the judges that they’d like to be half as successful as N Dubz. Keep on aiming high.

In the theme of Thelympics they’re doing a Sandy Emily number. Tim does some raps, Charley does some singing and Will... er.  Will basically says ONE TIME once then dad dances through the whole thing whilst wearing a hipster cardigan.  When they’ve finished, Tulisa gives them a good news/bad news scenario.  Good news is that the raps were fresh but she’s having a hard time understanding what Will does beyond being creepy. Will insists he’s a writer and a producer. Riiight. [will.i.am.not - Steve] Tulisa says she can’t hear Charley without hearing him and it was agitating. Nicole Somegirls thinks that he was flat in places and that Charley is a fireball. Louis loves Charley too.  Funsponge has the temerity to say that Will looks like the bands accountant who has joined them for a song. I suppose he can comment, because this is basically how he spent the 90’s. I can’t help but feel he should be a bit more sympathetic to Will’s cause for this reason. The general advice is that MK1 could go forward as a duo. Charley spouts some rubbish about never leaving anyone behind. Charley seems steadfast. Tim looks tempted.  Tulisa thinks they should take some time to think about it.

Thinking about it is basically Will saying he’ll let them go on if he gets 33% of their earnings, which makes him seem even creepier in my eyes.  Will has decided to step away. Tulisa thinks that is brave. Funsponge puts them through as a two piece, as does everyone else.  Dermot gives him a shoulder pat and calls him brave.  Will says that they’ve been working hard for 18 months and he doesn’t want to hold them back now. No, he just wants the cash. Nice.   Tulisa pretends to have respect for him because she didn’t hear him demanding money.

Y’know, I think that was the longest single segment ever.

We’re still in London for the next bit. Someone wants to be a unique non one hit wonder. Someone’s going to change their mum’s life, someone else is going to be history and lots of people are going to change the world.

One of the world savers is going to do it via the medium of fishnet. Her name is Lorna Bliss and she’s 33. She’s been on TV lots all over the world. We’re not told what for. [Although anyone who watches Britain's Got Talent already knows anyway. Apparently the well is so dry now this show is picking up the castoffs of other Syco shows. - Steve] She won’t stop until she’s been on every channel in every country ever.  I like her. She’s got that wild eyed Kitty Brucknell style ‘I’d do anything’ mental look about her.  She’s the definitive crazy eyed white lady who wants to make it in the music business.  Lorna tells Dermot that she’s an entertainer and Britney Spears impersonator. Dermot asks what the entertaining bit is. I think she’s left off ‘Business men’ from that statement. She talks nonstop backstage. RUDE.

She runs out on stage in her body stocking and bikini. She does a big HELLO LONDON to a bemused crowd.  They make fun of her outfit and ask how old she is. It’s all a bit mean.  However, I understand their tension because her bikini is tiny and she basically flashes everyone then gives Louis a lap dance. It’s distressing. Someone in the audience actually runs away from her.  Her body stocking rides down and she’s actually on the floor.

Can we stop this now please?  Can we stop the laughing at the bit mad stuff and can we stop giving the attention seekers publicity [especially Gary and Tulisa - Rad]. It’s boring and crap telly.  Gary claims a lucky escape. Louis seems traumatised. Tulisa guesses that she’s in it for the fame. Lorna agrees but says she’s just trying to get in the game. Tulisa then gives her a big rant about artistry which is frankly sickening coming from her. ALLEGEDLY.  Funsponge tells her she could get noticed by singing well and she relied on shock value. Nicole can’t take it seriously and Louis thinks that she just wants to be on TV. NO SHIT. So that whole section was all a bit pointless, yes? Agreed? Can we move on now?

Good. Coming soon – Some people who are quite angry. Some people who can’t sing and some people who have voices of stars.  Join Rad and Steve next week to see how that goes. It’s another double bill! WHY?