Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Jah know what I mene

Boot Camp 2 – Sunday 23 September 2012

Last night 200 came to boot camp, 190 of them were acts you’d never seen before, including some actual groups. Most of them went home, most of the rest will go home today and a few will be dumped at Judges’ Houses only to return next year for a more high-profile appearance, whilst the few auditionees we’ve seen get through will end up at live shows. Suspense, this show has none.

 Only 70 acts remain! They have 24 hours to shine! The show does a 24-style counter and then shows us a massive load of fake-out clips of people looking like they might not go through – all of whom are – spoiler alert – people who go through. Especially Jahmene. They show Jahmene about six times. Dermot reminds us that 130 people we have never seen before and never will again just went home. Oh well, it’s not like we had anything invested in them anyway. Melanie Kook is nervous, Mark One want to set bombs off in the place. Careful, Primark, if you said that on Twitter you’d be in all kinds of bullshit trouble. Melanie McCabe will never forgive herself if she doesn’t get through.  Many brunette white boys are nervous.   The arena is full of an audience even though the audiences at auditions and boot camp remains one of the shittiest things this show has ever done.

Sheffield lass Lucy reminds us she had a good first audition and a terrible Moos Like Jagger performance yesterday, but now she has her magical guitar back, it’ll be alright.  Tulisa asks about her ‘tracks’ – Lucy says she’s chosen some songs that mean a lot to her – interesting, presumably, like in auditions, they have several songs prepared. In a not-at-all staged exchange, Tulisa says she wants to hear one of Lucy’s own songs. It’s called ‘Tea and Toast’. Tulisa is pulling a total ‘I don’t get this’ face throughout. It’s a better song than the one she did about drinking. I know it’s probably the Sheffield thing, but I really like her. She’s pretty much got to be favourite right now, as she’s the only one I’ve heard anyone talk about (though again, this could be the Sheffield thing) – but early favourites never win, and I can’t see how she’ll manage in the theme weeks. [I really want to like her because sometimes her songs are quite funny, but I can't help finding her just a bit saccharine, and 'Tea And Toast' only made that worse for me. - Steve][I like her but it's the wrong show for her. They're going to chew her up and spit her out - Helen]

The audience go mad anyway, and Lucy cries and Gary says the song was beautiful. Louis says he’s never seen a reaction like it. Gary calls her a total one-off and she collapses into Dermot for a few hugs, as is the wont of contestants on this show.

 Ads! 2 of 7 that I can’t fast-forward? ITVPlayer you are the absolute worst.

We’re back, and it’s Rylan’s time as the sole remaining keeper of the Chico/Wagner/Diva Fever flame. He’s wearing a jacket with spikes that could cause serious injury if deployed correctly. He says he wants to do dance and he’s no Whitney. Louis says it’s a good thing. He does ‘Dontcha’ to a Hi-NRG beat and Nicole loves it like the fag hag she is. Funsponge? Wearing a ‘hmmm, this is far too much fun for my tastes’ face, whilst the other three judges all dance. He actually scowls when it ends. Rylan says he’s ‘100% serious’. Only 100? Gary whines that Rylan will haunt him throughout the show, for he is the inheritor of the Simon Cowell gay panic mantle. Tulisa says his charisma oozes off the stage. Nicole is ‘sold on the spikes and sparkle’. Of course you are, Nicole. Just wait until you meet NotLouis and see his staging. And can I say a big THANK FUCK he’s back this year? Rylan spikes Dermot in the face. Fnar. 

Gathan over-confident-monster-and-therefore-loser-edits that he can sing, dance and act, that he’s not just one thing etc. To top it off, he refers to himself in the third person. His ‘Payphone’ is screechy and awful, much like the original, badumtish. Nathan Fagan-Gayle dances and raps to ‘Earthquake’. Eddy String briefly re-emerges from our nightmares to do a sub-Cocozza ‘Sweet Child O’ Mine’ for one line. Rough Copy do a shambolic ‘Earthquake’ and we get more Gathan boasting.

Jahmene stands about backstage being nervous and reminding us how much he sucked yesterday. I really, really hate him and I don’t know why he inspires such abject loathing in me. He DOES have a Derren Brown voice – since Helen pointed this out yesterday, it can’t be un-noticed.  Maybe Derren Brown is tricking us all into hating this guy whilst the judges love him. Not sure what his reasons would be, but does Derren Brown need reasons?  He’s scared he might pass out and the producers send him to the medics as he’s apparently having an anxiety attack. (Maybe he genuinely was, but to film it all and him not look remotely that panicky the whole time… call me cynical, but I used to have panic attacks and they didn’t look like his…) [So did I, so I'm loathe to criticise anyone else for having them, but...yeah, this really isn't what I would recognise as an anxiety attack. - Steve][Agreed - Helen]

New Look are up next. They do a version of Gnarls Barclay’s ‘Crazy’ in a different tune and the show cuts over them with Jahmene attention-whoring all over the place. FUCK OFF JAHMENE. FUCK RIGHT OFF. Matalan meanwhile finish their somewhat ropey performance and then we see Jahmene some more. Nicole and Louis go backstage to give him some more attention and tell him he’s wonderful. He then does a fuckawful version of ‘Will You Love Me Tomorrow’ which has about a thousand notes in the place of one. Everyone in my Twitter feed hated this, which proves I’m following the right people. He has a couple of good notes but he also has a lot of bum ones. Gah, he is SO PUNCHABLE. Steve, can we have him as our new ‘NO’ avatar on Twitter? Please? [I don't see why not. Let's wait and see who makes Top 12 just in case there's anyone worse, but he can be at the top of the shortlist. - Steve] Gary loves him, Nicole thinks it might be too much for him, the producers don’t give a shit because having a ‘vulnerable’ sob story and a ‘will they be a car-crash tonight’ contestant might be good publicity.

Ads. Now I want chips, McCain, you bastards.

Triple J are next and do a not-especially-astounding version of ‘Sweet Child O Mine’, with Resentful J being particularly poor. Dermot reminds us that the Over 28s exist. Melanie Masson is up first, wearing double denim, which has been the sartorial choice of many acts this series for unknown reasons. She wears a plectrum bracelet because she is this year's designated kook. Nervous Chris is up next, looking like a one-man Robson and Jerome. He does a boring pub singer version of ‘A Million Love Songs’ and Funsponge shows us his orgasm face. Vile.

Carolynne from Fame Academy is next and does some country thing I don’t know because I’m uncultured like that. She says if it doesn’t work out this time, she won’t come back to X Factor (but hasn’t ruled out The Voice). She has the worst crocodile tears this side of Jahemene as she says she’s waited fifteen years for this. Tulisa says she barely noticed her last year, but this year she’s a main contender (because the pickings are so slim).

Kye, who looks like the bastard love-child of an unholy four way tryst between Tabby, Matt Cardle, Shayne Ward and Steve Brookstein, says he needs a break and his luck has been awful. He says he should win because there’s never been a Kye before (because, yes, that’s a reason) and that male singers are doing rubbish unlike Adele and Emily Sunday. Kye, being the male white brunette winner of this show is almost a guarantee NOT to be successful, you do realise this? Why do you think I’m so vehemently team anoni-white-brunette-bloke? It certainly isn’t to line my CD racks… and then he’s doing ‘I Can’t Make You Love Me’. The jokes are just too easy, show. It starts OK but quickly gets very thin and weedy – it’s nowhere near the standard of this show’s previous male winners, which is probably about the only standard we can judge these people on. But he namechecks Liverpool in the song to ensure a big cheer. Cheeky.

Competition! That new James Bond film actually looks OK, for a Bond film (I don’t do Bond except for some of the theme tunes. I know I’m a total heathen, burn the witch etc). Ads. Match.com is in every advert break on ITVPlayer tonight.

One of the dreadful girl bands, From Above, are doing some silly positivity claptrap. It’s utterly hilarious:
‘Breathe in positivity’
‘Breathe out negative’
‘Breathe in confidence’
‘Breathe out nerves [girl 1] / fear [girl 2]’
At least get your script right. The Twitters tell me this is the girl group Beyonce’s dad was managing. Oh dear. They all stand as far apart from each other as they can on the stage. They’re doing ‘Payphone’ and the first one can’t sing it at all, her voice cracking all over the place. Nicole offers her water but she declines. Then the ‘harmonies’ come in and it’s a hot fried mess. One of them says that every time they come on stage they speed it up. Oh love, timing was the least of your worries. Nicole is indignant that the girl should have taken water. I can just imagine Nicole marching around the contestants’ dressing rooms ensuring they drink their full eight glasses, eat their five a day and have enough fibre to keep them regular.

Single mum Jade Ellis is up next reminding us that she misses her daughter, because she is a mum, who has a daughter and she is doing it as a mum for her daughter. She’s doing Jason Mraz’s ‘I Don’t Give Up’, which I don’t know, but it’s not ‘Use Somebody’ so I’ll take it. She chokes, but recovers it. She’s incredibly pretty and has a slight Rihanna tone to her voice, but she’s not exceptional. I guess she’d be marketable in a sub-Rihanna kind of way though. Gary says there was something not right there. Jade says she feels gutted backstage. Dermot lies that making a mistake could have cost Jade a place at judges’ houses, like messing up at boot camp counts for shit on this programme.

Next up is dad Joseph, the one who is one of those ones who’s clearly there for the ovary vote. He doesn’t want to go back to his job. He says everyone who’s watched this show has been crying out for a good rock singer, not a mediocre one. He then does ‘With or Without You’, which is mediocre as a rock choice. His voice isn’t bad but it’s not anything much more exciting than, say, Jamie Afro, or any of the others who’ve fitted the mould of what this show passes off as a rock star in previous series. That fucking Aerosmith song which shall not be named plays in the background. Tulisa says he’s cute, Gary tries to claim he knows rock. Nicole can see herself sitting round the campfire singing with him but isn’t sure that makes him a star. 

Ads. Only one this time, thank goodness.

Next it’s Times Red, who look like they’re comprised of one of Brother Beyond, one of Bad Boys Inc, and some randomer they accidentally met who has a guitar because they heard that was the new X Factor thing [It’s not new – Journey South]. They’re doing ‘Ain’t Nobody’ with a mixture of beatboxing and acoustic guitar and they’re just generally so 1992 it hurts. Tulisa asks how it went. One of them said it wasn’t perfect but there are things that could be worked on. Tulisa replies ‘We didn’t know, you shouldn’t have told us’. Isn’t it your job to know these things, Tulisa? Give me strength… Nicole says the guitar one is cute and looks like Richard Gere. Funsponge says they have good harmonies. Nicole says Gary loves a good harmony in a way that sounds a bit like it might be taking the piss but it's hard to tell with Nicole.  She has real potential to be snippy and funny and then ruins it all with emotional crap.

James Arthur is up next, doing ‘A Million Love Songs’ with a guitar and no connection to the tune. Standing ovation, perhaps because he wore some NHS glasses or something.  EDGY. Leanne (who also has a Rihanna vibe going, but more in terms of her hair than style or vocal) does a boring ballid. WGWGWH Adam (White guy with guitar with hat – brunette, naturally) does an awful acousticified version of ‘Ain’t Nobody’. Funsponge calls it different – except on this show, it’s basically the opposite.

Ella Henderson is on next, the 16 year old who did her own song last time. She’s doing Cher’s ‘Believe’, which is the song my French housemates played on a loop when I was at university for the whole first semester. Oh, the 90s. She’s doing a slowed-down version (of course), albeit with piano instead of acoustic. Her vocal is actually quite nice and not a bad approximation of Cher’s without the autotune thing (I remember when that effect on this song was unique, not the sound of every bloody song in the charts. /oldmanrant). Fun facts! Ella would have been two when this was in the charts. TWO YEARS OLD. Yes, you are old and so am I.

Nicole pretends to cry because the producers told her she’s supposed to be the emotional judge. Funsponge says the original is in one of his top five most annoying songs of all time because it’s fun. Or maybe because he once had French housemates who played it on a loop for three months, who can say? He thought the boringified version of it was amazing though because it got rid of all that dance beat nonsense. Nicole then starts to cry and says they have to be in awe of Ella. Oh, Nicole. You were doing so well tonight, as well.

Louis says it will be tough to get 70 acts down to 24, because they can only think of about 10 acts they even know the names of. Louis and Gary reiterate that it’ll be tough. Nicole says she has a top ten and she’s going to fight for them. Tulisa has no opinion. Montage of ‘she/he/they is/are going home/through’ alongside pictures which bear no relevance to their choices, apart from one: Gary: ‘Can I throw this one out now?’ The others: ‘No!’ Louis: ‘He’s light entertainment’ All of which is accompanied by a picture of Rylan, obviously.

Jade from last year whom we haven’t seen sing once (ITV2 doesn’t count) is shown looking grumpy. Joseph the dad will let his son down if he doesn’t go through. Amy is nervous as are Melanie and Carolynne. Nervous Chris says the decision will change his life (except presumably notsomuch if he isn’t though).

Boys time – through are James Arthur, white, brunette, glasses; Jahmeen, mixed-race, brunette, annoying as fuck; Nathan Fagin-Gayle, black, brunette, dances, has Fagin in his name; Adam Burridge, ultimate WGWGWH, brunette; Rylan, orange, brunette, our sole Komedy Kontestant and Jake Quickenden, white, brunette, don’t remember a thing about him. So Eddy String is gone – no surprise, given his lack of presence in Boot Camp. More of a shock is the loss of fit dad Joseph, who is this year’s Gamu/Jade and already has a bunch of Facebook groups set up calling for his return. One of the other rejected ones was at judges’ houses in the past but as that's been several people's story this year, he's ignored. Dad Joe says he’s let his son down… it’s really not that important, love. Besides, think of all the pity sex you’ll get now. Although I guess you won’t be telling your son about that.

Ads. Match.com of course.

Girls. Through: Ella, Amy, Jade Collins (who I don't remember very well), Sheffield Lucy, Leanne... and then they do this stupid thing where they say Jade... and pause before the surname, panning from Rihanna Jade to Jade from last year wot wuz robbed, except they've never shown her this year, so to know she was called Jade would be to make a huge act of remembering, and an even huger act of caring. Anyway, as we never saw her (again, ITV2 doesn't count), there's no suspense whatsoever and Rihanna Jade is through. Speaking of Rihanna-esque contestants, I miss Rachel Adedeji. Jade from last year looks a bit pissed off, as does Melanie McCabe - bit mean to make a big thing of her returning to pull that trick on her, show. 

The over-28s (did we miss the decision of why this was over-28 and not 25 this year?  Did Nicole just decide it again?): Kye; Melanie; Nicola Marie (the OTT one Louis loves); some bloke I don't remember called Brad; Carolynne from Fame Academy and nervous Chris because they're making him wait till last again, meanies. I don't remember a single one of the six other people who don't go through.

Groups are up next, many of whom we never saw before Boot Camp, some of whom we didn't even see during Boot Camp. Through: Mitsotu, who have barely featured; Duke, who I swear we've never seen; H&M; Poisonous Twins, who we've never heard sing (for good reason, having just seen them on YouTube) and who feature Stephanie from BB9; and Rough Copy. Not one Frankenband for the first time in years (although of course some of these could have been formed off-screen by the producers anyway).

They then have to choose between Triple J and GMD3. Everyone in the world thought this would mean a super-smashed-together group, but apparently not, so kudos to the show for pulling off one surprise. Instead they're doing a sing-off 'battle'. Triple J have pastel hoodies on with the lace bits tied into bows. As a 'look', it's lost on me. Triple J are OK in a sub-One Direction kind of way. GCSE likewise, plus they're not wearing matching clothes like Triple J (who are total tryhards by the way). I haven't the foggiest what the song is they're doing. The beginning was better than Triple J's but they end in a bit of a state.

Judges' banter. Nicole says one group has a 'shine'. Tulisa says one brings out emotion in her. Going through is WMD. (Did we see them audition?) Resentful J cries a lot back-stage, whilst looks-vaguely-Scott-Lee-ish-J is more philosophical.

Assigning categories time! Simon is back, hairy chest and all sitting at his judges' house. Funsponge has the overs and pretends to be happy about it. 'Lou Lou' has the groups and goes 'Oh... OK' even though he always gets the groups or overs these days, and a group won last year so they probably don't care. Nicole and Tulisa want the girls. Nicole gets the boys because she's the only one other than Louis who could be guaranteed to put Rylan through. Tulisa screams for ages at having the girls. Nicole lies that she's 'super-stoked' to have the boys. Nicole says the boys might have the winner in. As might the others. Funsponge thinks the overs have become a joke since the show decided they didn't want another Brookstein (but ended up with a Warde, a Jackson, a McElderry and a Cardle instead) and wants to restore the category to what it should be: boring crooners in the mould of Andy the bin-man. Except all-white. Louis thinks he will have fun with the groups, and Tulisa screams some more.

Next week, the show 'goes Global', except it looks like the poor overs are still in Britain or Ireland because as is traditional from the days of Louis mentoring them, they rarely get to go on a proper trip. Guest mentors: Tinie Tempah, Ne-Yo, Sharon Osbourne and THE GRAND RETURN OF CHERYL COLE (even though I thought she was just Cheryl now?). Hilariously, the show presents her return as the thing that will save them all but doesn't give two shits about Sharon. Heh. Anyway, join Steve and Helen next week to see which eleven acts will join Rylan (surely Not Louis' favourite already) in the final twelve!


Lia said...

I'm bored. Not by you or Helen, because you make this interesting.

Carli_H said...

Oh my, I feel your ITV player ad pain.

Rad said...

ITV Player is 100% pure evil.

And Lia - us too. This series is awful.

StuckInABook said...

Word to the wise - AdBlock removes itvplayer ads.