You and cruise army?

Week 3 Results: 23 October 2011

Hello, and welcome back for the X Factor results, which sadly weren’t that everyone involved with trying to push Misha under a bus were held into account for their actions in a court of law in a country that has the death penalty. It’s just that someone is going home.

Dermot suit watch – Grey and shiny but giving him Murs Thighs. We have a recap of the performances last night, with all the dramatic bits, then the voiceover man actually telling us that it all “kicked off” last night. We see Tulisa redefining rock again and a very sanitised version of Tulisa having a pop at Misha.

Tonight! Kelly Clarkson, ‘Professor’ Green and Bruno Mars. I hope this means there’s no time for a group song. Oh please, let it be...

Over the It’s Time To Face The MUSIC bit, we see Funsponge Tightpants tell us that Tulisa is going DOWN, Funsponge Tightpants punch the camera and Funsponge Tightpants being told to lighten up by Louis. It’s all about him, isn’t it? I bet that’s stipulated in his contract and everything.

Dermot bounds in applauding himself and tells us it’s a blockbuster of a show. He explains to us what voting is and tells us again who is on. Bruno Mars is the biggest selling artist in the world... Who knew? Dermot then introduces the judges as ‘four stars who are determined to outshine each other’. I agree with the latter half of that sentence.

The doors open – Tulisa is not holding Kelly’s hand! Ooh, TENSION. Funsponge Tightpants is in a grey three piece, Kelly is rocking that “hotpants under net curtain” look, Tulisa is wearing a tight green dress which caused twitter to explode with whether she looked more like a brand of sweet bought in tins at Christmas time or a bluebottle. Either way, she can’t walk again. Louis is breaking up his usual look by wearing a blue shirt. Funsponge Tightpants then tries to rile up the crowd. It works. Tulisa’s dress foils her stupid salute thing and this brings me no end of joy. Funsponge Tightpants does his trademark nod. It’s irritating.

Dermot explains what voting is again and goes through the numbers before concluding that it’s “Tight at the bottom” which he surely said for a bet? He then introduces us to Kelly Clarkson who is here to show us what a real winner of a talent show looks like. Her VT is very light on the Angry Kelly years, which in my opinion were the best ones. Kelly’s performance features the arty drumming which seems to be ‘in’ at the moment. Kelly’s dress isn’t very flattering. I don’t think that it would be flattering on anyone. At this point I’m slightly aghast that she’s being treated as the warm up act. Surely the winner of the first American Idol deserves higher billing? [She certainly deserves better than being the warm-up act for PROFESSOR FUCKING GREEN. - Steve] But I digress... She finishes and everyone gives her a standing ovation. She seems stunned. She gives Dermot a wave but doesn’t deign to talk to him.

Dermot reminds us again that it got spicy last night, and that voting is a thing and we have to do it. I wish for once he would tell us something instead of just going over new ground. Everyone’s performance gets an additional comment. Marcus gave it 100% according to Louis (original), Janet is a threat to Funsponge Tightpants, 3 out of 4 judges ain’t bad as far as Sami is concerned but Funsponge Tightpants thinks that Louis has sent her to the dogs, Bixmix comment on the judges catfight and Tulisa doesn’t think Funsponge Tightpants knows what he’s talking about. Sophie Habibis thinks Louis don’t know nothing and Kelly thinks he better check himself. Biscuit, according to Kelly, came out swinging. Kitty’s performance meant everything to her and Funsponge Tightpants loved it. Arsetat was gutted with his performance. So were we. Louis thinks he’s redeemed himself though. The Risk are a good, hardworking band according to Funsponge Tightpants and Johnny wasn’t expecting that reaction. Finally, Misha quite rightly says that what happens backstage and Tulisa thinks that she’s got to be honest so no hard feelings.

Hang on... No hard feelings? NO. HARD. FEELINGS? What exactly have you got to feel hard done by about Tulisa? You were the one being bitchy, not the other way round. Just be quiet, yeah? [I liked Tulisa until this week but this was a bit too Cheryl Cole vs Wagner for me - Rad]

Next up, ‘Professor’ Green and Emilie Sande. ‘Professor’ Green apparently has won Mobo and MTV awards and definitely isn’t a character in Cluedo. Emilie Sande seems a bit too good for all of this. I may sound like someone’s grandma, but ‘Professor’ Green just sounds like noise. I can’t make out what he’s saying. It all sounds like noise to me. I think he’s got a beef. Plus I don’t understand why he looks like Ron Weasley’s understudy but has tattoos on his neck. Ooh, confetti! That’s appropriate.

Dermot offers us a five minute warning that the lines are about to close.

ADVERTS!

When we get back Dermot tells us that the competition was wrongly labelled yesterday and everyone is getting their money back whilst Louis makes ‘Whoops’ faces behind him. The whole farrago reeks of stunt more than Evel Knievel’s trousers.

Dermot then takes the judges to task over their appalling behaviour last night. Well, kind of. He says it was a bit spicy. Louis replies that everyone is very involved in their acts and he got carried away. He apologises for calling Misha a bully. So you bloody well should. I feel a bit proud of Louis for taking the rap though, because Tulisa isn’t called into question at all. [Although Louis's apology was a bit "LOLWHOOPS", so I don't know if he was being massively sincere. - Steve] Dermot then swiftly changes the subject and asks who stole the show for everyone last night. Funsponge Tightpants votes Marcus and gets told off for mentioning his own acts. Kelly admits Johnny put a big old smile on her face, Tulisa goes Misha and Louis Misha and Johnny.

Next! Bruno Mars who’s bestseller status is downgraded to “Best selling male artist in the world this year”. He’s been number one in fourteen countries and has had 25 number ones and sold several million singles. He seems to be dressed up as Cliff Richard and is singing one of Ricky Martin’s cast offs. The sound is terrible and you can barely hear him sing [I know! Someone's getting fired for that one - Rad]. I have sat through some crap on behalf of various television blogs, but I’m going to have to fast forward this. I’m sorry.

That’s over. Goodness me, he’s shorter than Dermot. Dermot plugs his tour and it’s nearly vote time!

Adverts! Oh look, an advert for Bruno Mars’ album.

When we get back, the acts are brought on stage with their judges.

Time for the results! Dermot explains the format again. Do we need this every week?

In no particular order... Marcus! He hugs Arsetat and Biscuit. Misha B next whilst Kitty looks like she’s going to kill someone. Johnny next, well deserved. Bixmix are also through and they squeal. Janet is safe next, and actually comes close to showing some emotion. Biscuit is next! Louis looks worried. Sophie next through, followed by Arsetat who is very ungracious and gets a massive boo. Who will be final one through? The Risk, Sami or Kitty. Kitty prays, but it doesn’t work because it’s the Risk!

Sami and Kitty are in the bottom two. This is a travesty beyond any words I have. I shall try to think of some during the adverts.

Nope, TRAVESTY is the only word I can think of. It’s cruise ship vs. Cruise missile.

Cruise ship is up first. Louis blinks back the tears as he introduces her cos he’s in a trance. Sami comes out without her shoes on and sings “You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman” in the club style. I know I used that joke yesterday but it’s the only one that fits this. It’s the very essence of Cruiseship, including “whatyadonetome –ah” and “sogoodinside-ah” and some very forced hand movements. Oh Sami, you can’t blame Louis for this one.

Next up – Cruise missile Kitty. She’s actually dressed as Britney Spears. She sings a beautifully understated version of “The Edge Of Glory” and by the first line I know she’s got this in the bag, even though her fishnets are full of holes. Not like that, you know what I mean. I’m further convinced she has it in the bag when the camera cuts to Kelly doing her ‘feeling things’ face.

Kitty and Sami have done everything they can. They hug and have a chat behind Dermot. Dermot invents an X Factor ‘Precedent’ about when judges decline to vote it goes to a majority. [Ugh. Entirely invented for Cheryl Cole, and possibly Sharon Osbourne or any other judge who decides to be a madam about voting for their own acts. I call Funsponge this year - Rad]

Funsponge is impressed with the sing off and applauds them. He then goes on about how tough it is, but admits he finds Sami dated and he’s excited by Kitty so obviously he’s sending home Sami.

Kelly wants to say that they are both talented and make people look at them when they sing but she’s going to send home Sami.

Tulisa is also impressed with the sing off, and her heart is telling her that she connects more with Sami so she’s sending home Kitty. And here’s me thinking that Tulisa will redeem herself and save Louis the heartache. Oh well.

Louis agrees that both girls were incredible. He loves Kitty’s work ethic but she’s not connecting with the public. He tells Sami that she sang her heart out. He doesn’t understand why he’s got two acts in the bottom two and can’t decide between his head and his heart. Dermot calls him Lulu and pushes him for an answer. Louis isn’t going to cop out and send it to deadlock so he’s choosing Sami. Sami looks like she knew it was coming. We see Sami’s best bits. That bit where she met Leonardo Di Caprio, that bit where she turned into Melissa George and kept having the same day over and over, that day she sat on the guns and all the sailors turned up and that day she got the job on Loose Women.

She may not sell loads of albums according to Funsponge Tightpants, but she’s going to sing her heart out every day. Louis is disappointed to lose her. She thanks the crowd and they both leave. Dermot reminds us that 11 minus one is 10 and that it’s definitely Fright Night next week, because Cher Lloyd is returning. Oh dear. Join Steve next week to see how that pans out.