Sunday, October 23, 2011

The one where Tulisa is out of her depth

Live Shows week 3 – 22 October 2011

Hello! Welcome to this week’s Bitch Factor. This week it’s Save Arsetat At All Costs Cos He’s Good Headlines Week, but they’re calling it Rock Week and who are we to argue? ONLY THE RUDDY VIEWING PUBLIC. I wish they would stop trying to make Arsetat happen, but that’s a whole other blog post in there so I’ll leave it for now.

And so to business. LAST WEEK – Kitty was AWESOME on TOAST, Nu Bile fell to the curse of the Perspex boxes, Bixmix were a hot mess and I realised that Biscuit looks like Tom from Hollyoaks. Johnny pwned Gary, and Arsetat was in the bottom two and managed to make Red by Daniel Meriwether even more whiny, a feat which scientists are still trying to unpick as we speak.

TONIGHT! Rehearsal drama! Tulisa isn’t giving up, Louis thinks the other judges should be worried, Kelly’s girls are going to rock the house and Gary’s BACK after Arsetat’s completely unforeseen foray into bottom two land. Louis thinks Gary better stop having a go at him, yeah, cos his acts aren’t all that anyway. Agreed. Gary thinks Louis better watch out. Yawn

It’s time to face the music!

We are instructed to get ready to rock. I’m sure that there won’t be a huge amount of rocking going on. Dermot suit watch – Blue three piece with an inexplicable brown spotty hankie in the pocket and trousers which manage to be both baggy and tight enough to see what religion he isn’t at the same time. He tells us again that we are live and it’s the start of Saturday night. Heaven only knows how we are supposed to know when Saturday night begins when the X Factor isn’t on. Dermot tells us that we’re going to be blasting the roof off the place because it’s ROCK NIGHT, with anthems, big guitars and big hair. He leaves big heads and big backing tracks out of that list for reasons only known to himself.

The acts tonight will have to impress four monsters of rock. This makes me think that they’ll be sitting in front of Ozzy, Alice Cooper, Steven Tyler and one of Metallica [or Animal from The Muppets - Steve] but they’re not. They’re only the judges. The only time Gary’s been a monster of rock is in the fat days and it was the type of rock that has a name going all the way through it. As Stuart Heritage pointed out in his liveblog last night, rock isn’t really Barlow’s thing.

The judges arrive holding hands. Gary is in a grey suit. Kelly and her glorious boobies are in a little black leather number. Tulisa is wearing a dress that somehow reminds me of that time we had to collect the ring pulls from Coke cans for Blue Peter and she can hardly walk and Louis is all in black. Louis holds on to Tulisa’s hand for a little longer than necessary. Tulisa and Louis are both the same shade of orange. Tulisa does her ridiculous arm salute and a little wink. Kelly does an overexcited double wave and Gary merely tips his head and lets those baby blues sparkle.

First up is a man who is a picture of steely poise and determination as long as nobody asks to rub his lamp. It’s Gary! Gary introduces Marcus who interviews wearing a Celebrity Juice T-Shirt and immediately loses a little bit of my respect. Marcus tells us that it’s the worst feeling in the world waiting for your name to be called and that he thought he was going home. He blubbed like a babby afterwards but he was comforted by his mum. Marcus then tells us that his mum and him are really close. We see his baby photos and he tells us that his mum is a single parent and it was a struggle. Why are we getting sob stories now? Surely this isn’t the time to create some extra ratings? OH, SORRY, IT IS. [Do sob stories aid ratings? I thought everyone hated them as much as us? - Rad] Marcus then goes on to tell us that sometimes he didn’t even have the bus fare to get to school. It’s ironic you’re talking about buses Marcus, because you’re on first and you’re getting the sob story treatment and this week really isn’t the week for your voice. But his mum has always been there for him and we are told that she had breast cancer but she’s better now. Where are ill parents compared to dead parents in the X Factor sliding scale of tragedy? Pretty close, I’d imagine.

In rehearsals, Gary tells Marcus that he’s got the edge this week, because people who can sing soul in their sleep are plainly suited to rock songs. Marcus tells us that his mum loves Jazz and R&B so rock week should be ok. This makes no sense to me either. Gary tells Marcus he’s been a rock god for years. Gary thinks Marcus is the most versatile singer in the competition so he’s ready to rock. What comes next out of Marcus’ mouth is quite possibly the most mawkish and emotionally blackmailing line of the entire competition. Are you ready? You sure? Here it is...

“I want to pay my mum back. If I can’t do it financially, I’ll do it with pride”

*Vomits copiously* *vomits again*

I’m back! Marcus has borrowed Arsetat’s trousers to sing “Are You Gonna Go My Way” by Lenny Kravitz. He gives it his usual big grin, which doesn’t really befit the song but I think he’s a little cutie pie so I’m not going to argue. There’s loads of dancers and Marcus does lots of high pitched squawking.

The Louis Walsh Cliché Bingo game [We actually need to play that one week. I might make some bingo cards and distribute them via our Twitter. That'd be fun, no? - Rad] continues with him telling Marcus that his performance was a brilliant start to the show and that he was out of his comfort zone and that he smiled, sang and performed. I think the fact they sing kind of goes without saying. If he was marking it out of ten, Louis would give it a ten. [OH MY GOD IT'S ONLY WEEK THREE YOU CAN'T GIVE OUT A TEN ALREADY ALESHA LOUIS - Rabid People On The Internet] Tulisa accuses him of holding back in rehearsals because she watched them and was a bit worried, but she needn’t have worried because he nailed it, went wild and rocked it. Kelly thinks he made the stage his. She’s been worried about his ability to take control of the stage but he did tonight. Barlow actually gets to his feet and points at Marcus and tells him that that’s the way to open a show. Amazing vocals and great energy. Gary wants him to watch his performance back and start believing in himself. Dermot gives him a hug and tells him how happy he is. Dermot wonders if Marcus feels he brought the steely determination. He does. Dermot thinks he looks like he was enjoying himself. Marcus says he wasn’t sure about rock week at first but he really enjoyed it. Dermot asks if he enjoyed dancing with the girls. Marcus rightly laughs in his face at that question, as do the nation. Marcus does phone hands and a wave as his number is read. Dermot gives him a headlock hug to show how manly he is and Marcus walks off.

We’re over to the girls. Dermot introduces Kelly “don’t you dare say swagger” Roland and Kelly looks bemused and ignores it. Kelly introduces her sweet singing sixteen year old who is sixteen [How come she only got to be sixteen when Amelia left? - Rad], Janet Devlin. Kelly knows that Janet will be in to the end. Louis thinks Janet is a bit boring. We see Janet hounded by some showbiz writers from the papers. Peter Dyke from the Daily Star and Colin Robertson from the Sun both tell her in slightly different ways that she isn’t very interesting. She just looks like a limpet and says that she’s “here for the music”. YAWN. If the music isn’t enough then she’ll not achieve anything. She’s got enough self respect just to be herself and sing. She’s not going to be someone else just for votes. Oh poor, sweet Janet...Have you never watched the show before? You’ve got to be whoever the producers tell you you are. [Also, it all rings a bit hollow when the entire premise of her first audition was "Being Ellie Goulding For Votes". - Steve] Peter Dyke suggests that personality may be what the X Factor is. Janet thinks she’s made it this far without a personality and she’s not going to adopt one now. Good show, Janet. Janet thinks it’s useful to be hounded by journalists because she’s learning something new. Colin Robertson is surprised that she has an actual personality face to face. Me too.

Wee Janet Devlin stands beside the judges with massive hair singing “Sweet Child O’Mine” with added harp, burping the lyrics and doing rock hand shapes. It’s a completely original version, just like that lady did in that advert. Some tribal drums kick in and the whole thing is just a bit ridiculous. Like some kind of small Swiss boy yodelling on a hilltop with a ginger sheep on his head with some dead crows hung around his neck. That really is the only way to describe it.

Louis mentions comfort zones again and how pure her voice is. He’s glad she isn’t overstyled (huh?) because it’s all about the voice. Tulisa thinks that it’s a massive rock song but Tulisa isn’t happy because it wasn’t rocky. She liked the vocals and the styling but she’d like to see her doing a rocky performance. Gary thinks it’s beautiful and gorgeous and he’s happy to see her moving around. Kelly is proud because she delivered a rock song (pointed look at Tulisa) and killed it. Dermot wonders what she thinks, because that’s always interesting. She thinks she put her own twist AND vibe on it and she enjoyed it. Dermot then calls Louis out on calling Janet boring, citing the crowd not being bored as an example. Louis explains he just wants to hear her sing a bit faster. That’s easy then. Dermot then searches around for something that’s not boring about Janet and settles on her top. Way to convince us. Dermot asks Janet if she enjoyed herself again. Janet can’t do phone hands because her hair is too big.

Adverts! Seemingly 100% aimed at children for reasons unknown.

We’re back! Dermot tells us to get involved on Twitter and Facebook. Oh Dermot, if only you knew. He introduces us to a man who likes to rock, but normally in a chair with a mug of cocoa... It’s Louis! He gives Louis one of those awkward headlock hugs then ruffles his hair. Louis introduces us to Sami FROM WALES. We see Gary call her cruiseship again. Louis says that Gary doesn’t know what he’s talking about. We see a COMPLETELY UNSCRIPTED moment from last week where Louis tells Gary that they can agree to disagree and Gary replying that they can agree on who sits in the HEAD JUDGES CHAIR. Oooh, HANDBAGS. Gary stands by what he said though. Sami’s not bothered though, because she’s through. She’s got a massive song this week but she’s not happy about it because it’s an icon’s song. Sami says she’s not being a diva but is a diva and refuses to sing a Cher song. Oh a Cher song. It’s almost as if you can see the wheels turning in Louis’ little brain of awesome. He’s sat down and thought “I’ll show you cruiseship, Barlow” and has shaken his little Irish fist in the air with glee. Sami tells some anonymous bloke that she wants to get away from the cruiseship label. Oh Sami, you’ll have to become someone else and get another voice for that. Anonymous man tells her that she needs to flip the energy. I agree. Embrace the cruiseship-ness. Drive that song into a bloody iceberg if you have to because there’s no way you are ever not going to be cruiseship, Sami. Louis says Sami has to trust her. She interviews that she trusts Louis and she’s going to give it a measly 110%

It’s If I Could Turn Back Time! It’s a cruiseship classic that’s so cruiseship that the video is sung on an ACTUAL SHIP. [Albeit more of a warship. If only anyone on the panel had the spontaneity and wit to call her a warship singer. - Steve] Sami is dressed in a black leather look number that really required better underwear than it got. She’s singing it weirdly though, putting the emphasis on the wrong bits. Louis is LOVING IT and bounces around getting all up in the faces of Gary and Kelly. Gary remains stony faced. When she’s finished, Louis is up on his feet. Tulisa thinks that it was a bit karaoke but it was good karaoke and a brilliant performance. Kelly thinks she has a great voice and it looked like she was having a great time. Gary Barlow thinks it was boring. Yes. Gary Barlow thinks it was boring. The man responsible for the song Forever Love [and that trainwreck Matt Cardle just released - Rad] thinks that someone else was boring. Can someone check irony? I think it might be broken. He gets booed and does his ‘yeah yeah’ face until someone in the crowd says something that we can’t hear and he gets all ‘who said that?’ and tells us that someone is swearing at him. He reminds her that they’re looking for someone who’s going to sell singles and albums and be a star and he thinks that she’s none of the above. Oh Gary. I’m going to rename you Funsponge Tightpants. I hope it catches on.

Louis wades in and says that she’s ill and she’s had a terrible day and she’s pulled it out the bag and he’s by no means clutching at straws. Louis thinks that it’s a hard song and she nailed it because she’s all about the voice. “Not to my ears” says Funsponge Tightpants. Tulisa tells him to give her a break. Kelly agrees. Louis thinks he’s being unfair. Sami looks like she wants to cry. Tulisa then says he’s being patronising but Dermot, sensing drama talks over her. Kelly says something like he’s ‘putting 20’ on Sami right now. Dermot regains control several minutes too late because he’s such a good TV presenter and asks Sami how she’s feeling. Sami said she didn’t really want to do the song but she did it anyway and does a horrible, horrible speech about how she knows everyone is poor but can they please spend a pound and vote for her anyway. It’s like a sub standard Children in Need begging speech, only it’s for her own ends and it makes me want to break my television. The only thing Dermot can add to this is that it’s a bit less than a pound to vote. I have my head in my hands, readers. He then asks her what she thinks about Funsponge Tightpants’ comments. She says she loves him and he knows what he’s talking about and does a subpar Will Young and tells him it wasn’t karaoke. He steadfastly insists that it was, because he’s Funsponge Tightpants. Dermot calls him on this and makes him insist that she has a good voice. He agrees she has but then says that Sami knows that Louis takes bad acts and makes them worse. This gets a knowing eyeroll from Tulisa and Louis pops out of his chair in indignation. Funsponge Tightpants then says that Sami needs to stand up to Louis.

I am absolutely indignant at this comment, which is probably fully designed to cause indignation. As opposed to what, Funsponge Tightpants? Taking rubbish acts and insisting that they are good? Fucking ARSETAT? Taking acts with brilliant Soul voices and making them sing insipid crap? Taking good singers and insisting that they have to fit into a box that only skinny people can get into? Puh-leeze.

Sami takes it all in good spirits though, and runs off stage. Dermot tells us that it’s getting spicy, in case we hadn’t noticed. Dermot makes reference to Tulisa being hard and she introduces Bixmix.

What follows is a VT in which we are told of the new doctrine which is thus:

BIXMIX ARE LIKE SISTERS.

BIXMIX HAVE ADORABLE PERSONALITIES.

BIXMIX CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT EACH OTHER.

THERE IS A PLAYPEN IN THE X FACTOR HOUSE.

BIXMIX HAVE ROLES IN THE GIRLBAND.

BIXMIX HAVE ADORABLE DOMESTIC INCIDENTS.

BIXMIX LOVE EACH OTHER.

BIXMIX KNOW WHAT ROCK IS.

Have we all got that? Good. Write it down if you have to. There will be a test.

Bixmix are singing that rock classic, Tik Tokk by Ke-dollarsign-ha, on Perspex boxes. Not Perspex boxes! They never go well. Oh hang on, it’s a mashup with that other rock classic, Push it by Salt N Pepa. They’re dressed like a six year old with free reign over Claire’s Accessories. The whole thing is like they are dolls being controlled by a hyperactive child who’s had too many lollies. It makes me confused and it makes me feel old. I enjoy neither of these feelings. Louis thinks that the song choices were good but they’re not really rock songs. Tulisa insists that the songs were turned into rock songs. Louis thinks ALL THE GIRLS should vote for Bixmix and they could be really big. Kelly thinks the look needs pulling together and they sang together well but she growls and then tells them that she wants them to be better than the last female group on the X Factor. NEVER! MISS FRANK 4EVA. She wants them to be better. Tulisa then asks her if she’s seen the last girl group that was there. Of course she hasn’t! She meant period. She then thinks that Tulisa should take back her comment about Janet not being rock because Ke$ha and Salt N Pepa aren’t rock. What follows is a bunfight about what rock is. Tulisa thinks that Rock just means adding some guitars. Funsponge Tightpants then comes in and tells Tulisa what rock is, because he’s an expert. Tulisa then goes into “bovvered” mode but instead of saying “bovvered” she says “rock riffs” and insists that it’s Rock Week, not Rock Song week. These parameters should surely have been set before now. Louis sits on the end looking like he’s in the wrong place. Dermot lets this go on for a full two minutes before trying to regain order, because he’s such a good television host. Bixmix talk amongst themselves. He reminds the judges that they are on telly. Bixmix are going to take the comments on board and they’ve made it Bixmix rock. Kelly then shouts that KE$HA POP, KE$HA POP. Louis shouts that it was great and Kelly gives him a warning look. Bixmix leave the stage, understandably bemused and Dermot berates the judges about fighting in front of the children. [On the other hand, I loved all the neon lighting in that performance - Rad]

Adverts! Twilight competition? DOES NOT WANT. They forget to add the honk in to Rebecca’s song though. Oh, they did. Sorry, I was finding it hard to distinguish between that honk and the other honks.

We’re back! Dermot’s in the audience cos he’s a man of the people. Kelly informs us that Sophie Habibis is taking it up a notch. Sophie Habibis is upset because people think she’s quiet. May I suggest being a little less quiet then, Sophie? Sophie is being played this week by Dobby from Peep show. Kelly interviews that Funsponge Tightpants should stop getting all up in her BIZNIS and worry about his own acts. Because she’s quiet, we get to see Sophie being mauled by the journalists. They accuse her of being boring and dressing like Carol Vorderman. Nicola Methven from the Daily Mirror asks her if this is the week we will see something different. She says it is. I can’t wait. Again, the journalists insist that Sophie is much more feisty in person. This is the new doctrine. [HUMBLE DANYL IS HUMBLE. - Steve] We see Sophie wagging her finger to prove this point. Sophie promises to bring plenty of her personality out tonight. I can hardly wait.

So what is this brilliant transformation? It’s Sophie, on a stool, singing a slowed down version of Livin’ on a Prayer which is completely different from anything else she’s ever done because she’s wearing Leather trousers. DEPARTURE CITY.

Louis thinks it’s better than last weeks, makes a comfort zone reference but she’s made the song her own. He also thinks that Kelly should give Sophie equal attention. This comment is glossed over though but it doesn’t stop Kelly giving Louis the side eye. Tulisa thinks that if there’s any rock song that needs to be turned into a “ballid” it’s that one. Tulisa thinks that she shouldn’t worry about her personality because she’s being the best she can be. Huh? Funsponge Tightpants congratulates her for making an emotional connection to her song. Kelly then ponders what Louis knows and makes “DURRR” noises at him which in a week where the word Mong and belming pictures have come under scrutiny may not have been the wisest move on Kelly’s part. The noises continue for longer than is comfortable. Sophie says that she’s beginning to feel like herself and she’s glad she rocked out. Eh? What part of that was rocking out?

More adverts! Can everyone please stop insisting that it’s nearly Christmas please?

Dermot reminds us of the X Factor App when we return. This is all so 21st Century! Funsponge Tightpants introduces Craig BISCUIT, who loves the three minutes a week he’s on stage. Funsponge Tightpants insists that Craig reinvents himself every week. What? He sings out of a different side of his mouth? Sings ballads at slightly different speeds? He sadfaces over Nu Vibe being ditched because they are his mates and that his friends are his competition. He was happy to see his mum and dad. He’s happy to be singing a man’s song. Kelly’s wondering where his spark went. Gary thinks he’s going to shine more than ever. He wants to surprise us...We’ll see.

Someone’s raided Paije Richardson’s wardrobe for Biscuit, who sings Stop Crying Your Heart Out in the club style. Agreed, it is a man’s song, but not when you’re singing it in the style of the Leona Lewis cover. At least his hair is a little less Bieber this week. That’s something. Louis makes a dig at Noel Gallager and thinks that Biscuit deserves a record contract. Tulisa then gets all uppity about it being Rock Week and it should be about “energy” and “guitars” and Biscuit sung a ballid. Kelly and Gary gang up on her and insist it was a rock song. Kelly says something about respecting the roots of the song and that Biscuit is back in the Zone. Funsponge Tightpants can relax when Biscuit is on stage. Dermot says that Funsponge Tightpants always looks relaxed. Craig agrees and tells a little backstage story about how dull he is. Funsponge Tightpants laughs but his eyes tell a different story.

Next up is the over 25’s and Louis introduces Kitty. Kitty’s having so much fun and she loves the public now. Kitty could read music before she could write. She was in a girlband but they fell out over costumes. [She was in All Saints? - Steve] She tried being an actress but she was terrible at that. Kitty then tells us that Louis has to keep reminding her that it’s a family show. Love it. Louis then says that sometimes Kitty’s ideas are a bit terrifying over a VT of her asking if she can set herself on fire. I LOVE THIS WOMAN. Kitty’s here to go all the way. I hope you do, Kitty.

Kitty is sitting at a piano dressed as Blonde Ambition Madonna singing Live and Let Die. The piano then goes ON FIRE as she walks away from it. She then swings her hair around. The piano is still on fire and she plays with the guitarist’s hair. This may be the best thing I’ve ever seen. Funsponge Tightpants shows no emotion whatsoever. The whole thing is AMAZING. Tulisa then vindicates herself by declaring that that performance was rock. She can’t think of anything bad to say and she knows that people have been dissing her personality but she’s got to know her and knows there’s a good person in there somewhere. WTF?! That’s a horrible thing to say, Tulisa. Kelly can’t even front, but she thinks that the performance may be slightly forced LIKE THAT’S A BAD THING. Funsponge Tightpants can see where she’s going and he’s along for the ride. He likes that she’s trying to say something with her music, which is cover versions, but I can see his point. Louis lies that she’s a dream to work with, but follows this up with the truth that she’s on the phone to him day and night. He likes that she’s innovative and that she delivered. She deserves votes because she’s talented. Kitty enjoyed rocking out. Dermot asks her if she thinks she’s won the public over. She thinks she has. Dermot asks if the hair will be higher next week. Kitty responds to this by turning round.

Four acts to go! Blimey, I’m getting tired. Advertising break. I don’t want Diana Vickers selling me clothes, ta. [I didn't even realise it was The Claw until my boyfriend told me. Fame is a cruel mistress. - Steve]

It’s the last of the boys! Take your prophylactic antibiotics, it’s Arsetat! Because Arsetat is such a lad, we see a VT of him going out to get “ruined” and sending some more girls off to the clinic. Arsetat interviews in the toilet about Louis saying he’s lost his swagger. Apparently Louis is just WELL JELLUS cos he hasn’t even got any swagger anyway. Arsetat tells us all about getting papped bringing five girls back to the house and gives us a double thumbs up. Funsponge Tightpants says he worries about him every day. Different story to when you were telling us that you didn’t want him to behave if you put him through. Gary then tells him off. Oh, so it’s not that you want him to be a walking STD, it’s that you want him to be a rebel walking STD. He goes out again and gives the camera the finger. Gary then changes his tune and says he just doesn’t want him in the bottom two this week. He also says he doesn’t want him to stop being a teenager. Seems that we have all learned a lesson from Robbie Williams...

There now follows a personal message from me.

Dear X Factor. Stop trying to make Arsetat happen. I know I’ve said it before but it bears repeating. He’s awful. Stoppit. No.

What follows is the most contrived performance in X Factor history. There’s an empty stage and we see a VT of Arsetat playing with his hair walking through the corridor whilst people talk on walkie talkies. It’s AWFUL. [For a minute I genuinely thought he was just late. - Steve] He arrives on stage with the crotch of his too tight trousers somewhere near his knees and begins badly singing lines about his itchy clap. He then sings into the camera before pushing it away. A dancer grinds up against him and he gets the words wrong and grunts instead. He begins singing the chorus at the wrong time. The whole thing is an absolute shambles.

At least it’s a rock song, eh? [And he got to sing the proper words about junkies and whores in the first verse, unlike when Jamie Afro or whoever did it - Rad]

Louis makes reference to his comfort zone and thinks he did the right thing saving him, but worries that he might be a bit over confident and better than he thinks he is. I’m assuming he meant he’s not as good as he thinks he is. Tulisa is gobsmacked because Funsponge Tightpants has taken him to the extreme and tried to turn him into what he wanted to be in his younger days. Robbie Williams? Tulisa wants the heart back. Kelly disagrees, it is him, but he needs to come up vocally. Funsponge Tightpants said that he would never lie on the X Factor, but he lied last week when he said that Arsetat was good. He wasn’t and deserved to be in the bottom two. Tonight proves he’s back though. Dermot asks if it is Arsetat, Arsetat says it is. He says that he wouldn’t have done it if he wasn’t comfortable. Don’t lie. Dermot then says to Louis that Arsetat so wasn’t over confident because he was nervous backstage.

More adverts! I don’t want sausage meatballs in Philadelphia, thanksverymuch.

Blah blah, it’s the Risk. Tulisa honestly loves them. There now follows a statement on The Risk:

THE RISK ARE GOOD FRIENDS. LOOK, TWO OF THEM ARE EVEN HOLDING HANDS.

THE RISK ARE GOOD HETROSEXUAL BOYS WITH AN EYE FOR THE LADIES.

THE RISK ARE A BIT NAUGHTY BECAUSE THEY TALK TO GIRLS WITH BOYFRIENDS.

THE RISK ENJOY ALCOHOLIC DRINKS.

THE RISK CAN HAVE FUN AND KNUCKLE DOWN.

Everyone got that? Good. [Interesting how the show is keen to remind us that BixMix are not one of those evil girlbands who'll steal your boyfriend, but also happy to point out that The Risk are an edgy boyband who'll steal your girlfriend. DOUBLE STANDARDS, WE CAN HAS THEM. - Steve]

The Risk are singing that well known Rock song, Crazy by Gnarls Barclay. It’s generic boyband fodder and all it does is show that none of them are Cee Lo Green. They look a bit unsure of it themselves.

Louis loves them, but points out that it’s not really rock. Charlie is his favourite. In an entirely unscripted moment, Louis notices that they aren’t very happy. One of them has laryngitis and Glandular Fever. Presumably from sharing close quarters with Arsetat. Louis concludes that it wasn’t as good as last week. Kelly is excited for their future and high fives Tulisa, but notes that they need to improve their vocals. Funsponge Tightpants was worried about them but they pulled it off. Gary admires the work ethic of the band. Tulisa admits it wasn’t their best performance, but they can come back stronger next week, because glandular fever takes a week to get over. They talk about their comfort zones again. Dermot reminds us that they are the only boy band in the competition. [I was watching this with my parents last night, who just watched a ten second clip of everyone - the only acts they liked and watched all the way through were The Risk and Misha. They also watched some of the judges' comments, but fastforwarded Funsponge every single time. Heh. - Rad]

Next, iiiiit’s Johnny! Johnny loves Funsponge Tightpants and thinks that he may love him back but he’s fighting it. That’s totally it. Johnny thinks that people may think that he’s a novelty act, but he just wants to perform, and that the popstar door has been closed to him for a long time. We see him having a chat with Janet about the possibility that he may be a novelty act. Janet looks bewildered. Johnny thinks that this may be his last chance, but Louis has faith in the song.

And so he should! I Believe In A Thing Called Love by The Darkness is an absolutely inspired choice. Johnny hams it up to the correct level and it’s absolutely brilliant. My only criticism is that his outfit could’ve been more exciting, but other than that it’s brilliant. Even Funsponge Tightpants cracks a smile. Johnny is clearly enjoying himself and it’s infectious. The crowd love it. By far the biggest cheer of the night. Tulisa congratulates him for doing a proper rock song, because she knows what that is. She declares him rockstar of the night. Kelly calls him a Guilty Pleasure. She’s not sure if he could sell records but she loves watching him. What a backhanded compliment. Funsponge Tightpants gets boos before he even opens his mouth, but he admits that he enjoyed it. He rightly says that only Johnny could sing that one. Louis says that Funsponge Tightpants has to like him because everyone else does. Especially me. Funsponge Tightpants then ruins it all by asking if Johnny got his suit from Argos. Johnny says he got it from his wardrobe. I believe that the kids call that pwning. [Funsponge should really learn not to throw shade at an experienced drag queen. - Steve] Dermot urges us to vote.

Last Adverts! I believe someone is coming with a silver blanket and some Lucozade for me. I don’t even want to know what the health lottery is.

We’re back for Misha B. Kelly tells us that Misha means serious Bidnis and clicks out her name. Misha tells us that she used to think she was Scary Spice from the Spice Girls, as opposed to Scary Spice from All Saints. We see video of her busking and she never thought she’d be singing in front of millions. She’s here to win and we see her having her input into the production side of things. She thinks she needs to put in as much effort as she can. Kelly tells her not to make hip hop noises.

Misha B begins singing Purple Rain and does a hip hop noise in the first line. It’s no bad thing though. It’s still nicely understated in the beginning and builds. She looks awesome too. Plus I get to remember Ruth Lorenzo so we win all round.

Louis tells her that she’s a brilliant entertainer and she reminds him of a little Tina Turner in Mad Max. He reminds her that she’s a confident performer and he hopes she’s not over confident. She answers this with a death stare and a “pardon?”.

What follows is a little bit ugly. By little bit, I mean very. Tulisa can’t doubt that she’s “up there” as a performer and she’s the whole package and the star of the show. BUT... She’s clearly very competitive and Tulisa has seen a different side to her backstage. She may not realise she does it but her feistiness may come across as mean to the other contestants.

Not Misha for the bus... Come ON. We all know that confident women, especially confident black women are not especially celebrated by this series. Even vocal powerhouses like Leona and Alexandra had to pretend to be underconfident to get anywhere. But are we seriously adding fuel to this fire? Misha is no more confident than Biscuit or Arsetat and certainly isn’t as confident as Kitty, so why is she getting thrown under a bus here? MUST DO BETTER, X FACTOR.

Tulisa then goes on to say that she’s been told by a few contestants that there’s been some comments towards them and that she needs to bring that fiestiness to the performance and insists she isn’t putting Misha down, but cleary, nobody would be listening after Tulisa said she was a bitch. Tulisa asks her to put aside the attitude. The whole time Kelly is doing a BITCH PLEASE face at her which deserves its own show. Misha’s isn’t too bad either. Funsponge Tightpants doesn’t care what goes on backstage and berates Tulisa for getting involved. First sensible thing he’s said all night. He’s looking for an artist to sell albums and she’s there in front of him. Kelly says that backstage should be left behind and Misha was clean, clear and on fire. Kelly is proud of her and insists that confidence is a good thing. Maybe in America, Kelly. [Tell that to Pia Toscano. - Steve] Louis, who has been SO GOOD up until now decides to pipe in and says that sometimes in a competition, people “vibe each other out a bit”. Kelly argues that some of his acts could do with Misha’s confidence. Louis then says that one of his contestants has complained about Misha bullying her. Oh Louis, just as we were beginning to like you.

Dermot then joins in the sensible club and asks Tulisa whether she agrees that the contestants should be judged on their voice. Tulisa says it’s about the package and that it’s about character too. Kelly insists it should be about what’s on stage. Louis disagrees and they squabble behind Tulisa as she’s still trying to make her point. Funsponge Tightpants tries to regain some order and fails and I’m proud of Misha for being very dignified and saying nothing. [This whole segment was... horrible. And weird - Rad] [And grossly unprofessional from Tulisa and Louis - even if there was any truth in the accusation, this was neither the time nor the place. - Steve]

Recaps etc, but I’m a bit sad. I’m all for the judges disagreeing but this kind of manufactured drama at the expense of the contestants just makes me a little bit sad.

Nothing more to say really. Join me for the results show. Let’s hope the public are judging on talent...

6 comments:

Fiz said...

Seriously, had none of the contestants, or the judges, ever heard a rock song??? Because this was nothing like "rock week". It was ballad week. It was an insult to ever rocker or rock band that ever played. And Arse-tat is truly horrendous. Why does my eldest put me through this every year!

Helen said...

I think that the definition of rock should have definitley been agreed upon before the show.

monkseal said...

Arsetat must stay forever - I almost popped a stitch laughing at what an utter twot he is. That's more of a reaction than Bixmix, Sami, Sophie HasBoobies, Bscuit Factory (or to be honest Marcus, but he's sweet so he can stay) has ever provoked.

StuckInABook said...

Great write-up, Helen!

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly... I thought I was going to love you this year, and I still love your range of facial expressions, but I don't love you shouting down anybody who tries to talk, and yapping at Tulisa. Tulisa seems to the only sensible one on the panel, and she has to lie that a group could win.

Btw, I genuinely thought Frankie was simply late for his performance, when we had that backstage thing. I wish he had been about three minutes later.

Helen said...

I see your point Monkseal, but my reaction is less laughing and more wanting to poke out my own eyes and sewing up my ears, like I'm in a Saw film or something.

Thanks StuckInABook! I wish he was late too. For the audition, for the performance... In fact, I wish his parents were late for the Date Night in which he was concieved.

Yvie said...

I'm with you, Helen. I really didn't think it was possible to dislike Arsetat more but this week just had me practically kicking the TV. Has there ever been a worse X Factor contestant? We've had several over the years who can't sing particularly well but they've usually been amusing or likeable in some way. This clown can't sing to save his life and is a proper little dickhead.

Why are the GBP not getting Kitty? I don't understand!! She rocks!