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Judges’ Houses 1

Broadcast 1 October 2011

I’m rather excited about this week’s episodes (although obviously not excited enough to watch them live, I had Doctor Who and barbecues to attend to as this went out). Not because I expect to see any RAW TALENT. Not because I expect the judges to choose the best finalists ever. But because they surely, surely can’t draft a studio audience into this stage. Can they? [I wouldn't put anything past them. - Steve][Coming Soon, from Coach Holidays UK... - Helen]

We’re in GREECE, BARCELONA AND MIAMI (and wherever Borelow is because my DVR didn’t get that bit) [he's in LA - Steve] for the FINAL SIXTEEN (didn’t it used to be 12 until last series? 12 was fine. 12 was more than enough). Lots of tears (all from those who are likely to go through), lots of Dermot hugging, lots of sunshine, which would normally make us all jealous at this time of the year, but if you have any sense, you’ll have been out in the sun last night instead of watching this.

We see all the acts heading to ‘the airport’ – what, they’re all going from the same one to all these countries? (It doesn’t look like it anyway). Dermot quickly glosses over Sian Phillips leaving, to be replaced by Sarah Watson. I don’t remember Sian or Sarah. This is not as good as that time when they brought Nicola Roberts back to be on Popstars: The Rivals.

Tulisa and the groups will be in Greece – no place specified because there are so many of them they need the entire country (/or because this show’s a wee bit Xenophobic and/or assumes its viewers are thick), Kelly and the girls in Miami (and they have that special film effect you always get when you film in America – why is that? Is there a law that anything filmed in the States has to use a different kind of camera? Genuinely curious), Louis and the old people are in DUBLIN. Except it’s Barcelona. Boo. What kind of credit-crunch awareness is that showing? Borelow and the boys are in LA. Fun fact for you: a colleague and I were talking to some of our students about which celebrities they loved and hated as a warm-up thing this week. Every single group came out with love for Borelow. Very weird. My colleague’s group also said Olly Murs, but she assures me she rightly derided them for it.

On the planes. Misha is rocking VV Brown hair and has decided she means business, business, business. Wrong show.

Dermot tells us the groups are in Mykonos – which they could have told us in the first place, it’s not like people don’t go on holiday there. Or is the name too long for the caption writers? Anyway, your contenders are: 2Shoes, Girl v Boy: a doomed boy/girl duo we’ve never heard sing, The Keys: a boy band who remind me of that weird boy band who did ‘Billionaire’ last year and went home early in the live shows whose name I’ve already forgotten, The Estrelles, who’ve had about two seconds of screentime, and a load of frankenbands, whose names I might learn later.

Tulisa tells us groups are all she’s ever known, and she can’t wait to get her hands on the final four, kinky bitch.

The acts are in matching costumes. 2Shoes are wearing Grecian dresses, bless ‘em. There are about a million people here, most of whom I don’t recognise. Tulisa lies that a group can win this year and introduces her guest judge, NotDappy (aka NotCherLloyd, aka Jessie J. On crutches because she’s broken her foot). [STILL? She's had a broken foot forever. I think she's just milking it at this point. - Steve]

Stacey Duomon say NotDappy is like an angel, one of the random girl groups ‘can’t look at her’, and presumably don’t want to blink either.

The girls arrive in Miami and there are lots of shots of fast moving skylines, probably just taken from the American version of this show, which is EXACTLY THE SAME as the British one except with a bit more pomposity. And Nicole and Paula. We debated recapping it, but essentially you can just take the British weeks and swap the names over and it’ll be an accurate reflection.

The girls go for a paddle in the sea. They’re all still in their clothes, apart one who’s in a bikini. It’s hard to tell, but I think it’s Janet. If so, I am not feeling the innocent country girl vibe here, guys. In this category: Adele2, Pixie Lott2, Ellie Goulding2, some randomers called Holly and Sophie, Overblown Melanie, Misha and new Sarah, who looks about twelve.

Kelly says she wants consistency and confidence. Hanging around Beyonce and Michelle for too long has warped her idea of what a female pop star should be, which, as all viewers of this show know is INCREDIBLY HUMBLE unless she is a KOOK or a SLUT, or possibly a MUM. Come on, Rowland, consult your big book of X Factor stereotypes, pronto. She introduces her guest judge as being ‘amazing’ and the girls try not to look disappointed when they discover it’s not Beyonce, or even Michelle. They fail. Jennifer Hudson is pretty cool, and actually a good guest judge given her background, who should be coaching our lot to have a mid-late series exit so they have some chance of a career afterwards. Dermot points out she’s an Academy Award winner, but fortunately doesn’t make the leap that ‘our’ contestants could become like her because, so not. Also: not one of these contestants, except possibly Misha, is worthy of the presumably inevitable Beyonce duet in the final, which will never, ever top this.

In Barcelona, the over-25s are as much a bunch of misfits as ever. Louis gives them an incredibly backhanded compliment that they’re all big personalities and big performers. They all have their best ‘oh shit, we’re in Louis’ group so we know we’re the comedy contestants’ faces on. Can this show be as rude about them as it was about last year’s overs group at this stage? Louis welcomes someone who knows a lot about this show (please not Sharon Osbourne again)… Sinitta, looking rather too demure in a sundress, with a solitary accompanying fan. Booo! She says ‘I’m on the olders as well’. Clearly you don’t know that much about this show then. Olders indeed. Brookstein2 says she ‘is well fit’, getting in an early strike for the heterosexual agenda. TokenGay says he’d hoped it would be Cilla Black. Where art thou, Cilla? You’d have thought she’d have been on Strictly or something by now.

The boys are in LA. 'Move Like Jagger' plays. I can’t work out if it’s a terrible, terrible song or secretly quite genius. [At least we know it's not the worst song released this year with the word "Jagger" in the title. - Steve] Gary says LA is a special place for him as he came here after he was dropped by his record label. See, all those people being made redundant in these TOUGH ECONOMIC TIMES, it’s not all bad, you get to lie on a beach all day. Fuck off, Borelow. LA ‘brought him back to music’ whatever the hell that means.

The boys arrive in one of those fuckugly Hummer Limos to ‘Gary’s house’. Are any of these houses their actual houses? I’m assuming not because Rule One: The X Factor lies. The scenery is stunning and there’s a lovely swimming pool. Olly2 says this place makes him ‘want it’. I can assure you that not one contestant on this show will ever be able to afford somewhere like this. One of the fodder contestants (I can’t remember any of these boys’ names except ArseTat, Luke Lucas and John who was here last year, and the show hasn’t bothered reminding me yet). LukeLucas has earphones round his neck like a dick. I like his name, but other than that I really hate him. In fact this category is generally loathsome. One of the boys is still wearing a twat hat despite it being clearly sweltering. Gary says his guest is one of his ‘closest friends’, and Robbie arrives, having stolen Sinitta’s leaf garment from the other year and what look like white knee socks (or ‘virgin socks’ as we used to call them in Middle School). Robbie admits he shamelessly copied Sinitta. The boys lie that they love him.

That was the longest segment before ads all series. Also: Why does Jonathan Ross’ new show look like it’s in America? Weird.

Back with the groups. Tulisa wants the winner. Tulisa might be disappointed.

Up first are The Keys, one of only two groups here whose audition we actually saw. One of them cries that record labels kept turning them down and now they’re here. Oh love, you don’t need much talent to be a group on this show, if about 20 or so soloists who weren’t good enough have managed to get to this stage through virtue of being flung together. He suicideterviews that there is nothing else in the world for him other than singing.

One of them is wearing a twat hat, the suicidal one takes lead vocals and the others essentially become his woo-woo boys, with one of them doing the chorus. They’re doing ‘The Best Thing I Never Had’. The one in the twat hat is really, really flat. Suicidal singer sounds like every boy band singer, ever. He’s called Charlie, apparently, and NotDappy says she wanted to shake him and tell him to breathe because his face was as red as her (very red) dress. The Estrelles are next, an odd-looking girl group who seem to be two Katherine Jenkinses smooshed with two Nicole Scherzingers. One of the Katherine Jenkinses says they have something ‘so perfect’. What that thing is is unclear, as it’s not their singing. Can we not get Princes and Rogues back? Their ‘Love the Way You Lie’ is a cacophonous mess. Tulisa says they nailed their harmonies. Yeah, to a crucifix.

Boy in Girl v Boy has a twat hat on. I think we know my feelings. They’re no Boy Meets Girl. They’re not even 2ToGo. Girl cries. It’s hard to have any investment in these people given how the show’s never bothered with them before. Their ‘Use Somebody’ is weird. NotDappy pulls a face and says ‘are they together? I wouldn’t know that’. Burn!

Frankenband 1 (aka The Lovettes) get more ‘this means so much’ time than singing time. What we do hear is a lot of warbling. I can’t even tell what the song is until NotDappy and Tulisa snark about them doing it wrong and I realise it was meant to be ‘Forever is Over’. [Same here. That really doesn't bode well, does it? - Steve]

Next up are Frankenband2 (aka The Risk), featuring Marlon McKenzie from last year. I saw a little bit of The Xtra Factor last week and he was a proper nasty piece of work. He bitches that he didn’t want to be in a group, he is OLDER than the other boys but he wants this ten times more than he did last year. Get. A. Fucking. Job. They’re sort of in a costume and sort of not – all wear white tops, three in a row wear beige chinos, one red trousers and braces, one grey/blue trousers, and Marlon wears a denim jacket. They look a complete mess, and sound it. One of them does a half-OK rap. They suck so badly. Tulisa reckons they don’t really like each other but NotDappy says they’re good for a group that’s been just put together. Live shows then. For fuck’s sake, WHY? [I actually thought they were quite good. I wasn't entirely sold on the rap, but only because lyrically it seemed dissonant with the rest of the song. - Steve]

Ads. Am I the only one who watches those M&S ads and wants to cook the thing from scratch rather than buy the ready-made version? Also: stop trying to make Adrian Chiles happen. He isn’t going to happen.

We’re back in GREECE and next up – 2Shoes aka Stacey Duomon! Hooray! They burble about people being surprised by them and how this is ‘like our dream’ and is the ‘make or break, literally’ (sounds painful). Brown Stacey says ‘you either change your life’ and then together ‘or you don’t’. Love them. They’re the only group in recent days with any personality. They’re doing a slowed-down version of ‘Tik-Tok’ which loses a few points from me for the slowing down, but their harmonies are a lot better than anyone else so far. They then seem quite pleased and chirpy that it’s done and dusted, not being big crybabies like everyone else, which is fair enough, it’s only a singing contest, not MasterChef or something. Tulisa says they need to bring more personality to their vocals, which is probably fair enough, but I believe in them.

Next up, Frankenband 3 (Nu Vibe. Blech). They have Bad Bradley in them, which is presumably their selling point. [If they're going to use him as a selling point, he needs to do more than stand on the end looking gormless - Helen] They also look a bit of a mess, but less self-conscious than Marlon and his bunch of miscreants. Their lead singer isn’t bad, certainly a lot better than ArseTat. They get not only a keyboard player but a DJ, which seems a bit of an unfair advantage for their version of ‘Written in the Stars’ mashed up with ‘Nobody’s Perfect’. One of them does a rap, because clearly that’s this year’s gimmick, and then, hilariously, one of the others starts to be like Jedward’s younger brother, except posh, and also starts to rap ‘Oh Oh Oh’ and Tulisa practically falls off her chair laughing. Oh, I’d love it if this lot were turned into a comedy band rather than Two Direction. Their harmonies were OK, I guess. [I hated it. However, if the posh-boy rap was a deliberate attempt to mock Jessie J's stupid tryhard ass right in front of her, then I might forgive them. - Steve] Bradley says that ‘all our bonding’ came together in that, which conjures up hideous images. Tulisa asks NotDappy if they rapped the same lyrics as Tinie (Tempah) did. NotDappy confirms they did. Tulisa says ‘they know that that bugs me’. For why, Tulisa? I’d much rather hear the proper words than any nonsense ‘Oprah Winfrey, Tiger Woods, a ringadingadinging’ nonsense, thanks all the same. [You're a hater, just let it go. - Cher Lloyd]

The last group ‘haven’t even performed’ together, which is presumably a lie as they’ll have had a few days between boot camp and now at least. They’re Frankenband 4, made up of the dregs of other Frankenbands formed from other failed solo artists. They want to be ‘completely different’. They’re a girl band called Rhythmix. They look kind of cute, but they’re over-forcing the Mark Ronson/Tine Tempah-esque geek chic thing. One of them is from Romford. The one on the right looks like she’s in the wrong group entirely. They’re doing ‘Big Girls Don’t Cry’ and still sound a bit like they’re all trying to sing over each other but they might have potential, were they not doomed to be the girl band who go home in week one (or if The Estrelles take that slot, the girl band that go home in week four). NotDappy says they need to do a lot of work and she and Tulisa worry that they can’t hack it.

They now make their decisions – what happened to two songs apiece at Judges’ Houses? Montage of comments mashed up with random shots of the contestants that have no correlation. Someone looked uncomfortable. Some group needs a lead singer. Some group is not working, but she likes one member. Another group has something missing. Do I sense YET ANOTHER Frankenband? Ye gods, kill the group category already.

Ads. I really hate Bright House. Fucking leeches exploiting the poor (/politicalrant).

Back with the girls and Jennifer Hudson lies that anything is possible; there are no limits. Oh, Jennifer, on this show there are only limits. Pixie Lott2 is up first. She’s wearing some hideous pink lipstick. Her dad, who is disappointingly not dead, wants her to succeed more than anything apparently. Kill him, Pixie2, then you’re a shoo-in for the live shows! She’s doing ‘Extra Terrestrial’ and it’s very overdone, shouty and over-reaching, which is a shame, as she could probably actually sing quite well with some proper vocal coaching, the likes of which she will never get on this show. She’s also wearing white ankle socks with shoes. Is that cool now? That would have got us laughed out of town back when I were a lass.

Adele2 is next. She mimes listening to her song by holding one ear of her headphones to her head rather than, you know, wearing the things properly. She wants to make Kelly proud and walks precariously between a river and a swimming pool. I’m sure Steven Moffat could get a truckload of Gallifrey Base-baiting symbolism out of that were this Doctor Who. She’s doing ‘I Can’t Make You Love Me’. Simon, he may be gone, but his favourites remain. When will we get ‘The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face’? I’m placing my bets on the boys’ category. Her performance is alright, but a bit dull. Kelly says it was beautiful but had kinks that needed ironing out. Jennifer says she feels the same way but, unconvincingly, thinks it’s beautiful.

Next up is Sophie Habibis, who looks like Charlotte Church 2. A bit. I’d forgotten her entirely but she was the one Kelly Rowland wants to sing at her wedding. Her breathing is really bad, and her tongue stud can’t be helping matters (/mumvoice). I don’t know what the song is she’s doing but it’s hella boring. Kelly says ‘that’s a bad chick’ in a voice that suggests she hates it, but then says she wants the album. What, to fall asleep to?

Montage of also-rans who are going home. New girl Sarah is ‘lucky to be here’ but not very good singing something I also don’t recognise. Over the top Melanie does a boringly slowed down version of ‘Grenade’, which wasn’t even a fast song to begin with. She’s been dreaming of this since she was a little girl. Anonymous Holly does a version of ‘For the First Time’ that sounds nothing like the original. I mean, we’re not into songs being exactly the same, but at least being able to make out what they’re supposed to be would be nice.

Misha is next and she’s excited about having been on a plane with two floors – as I would be – is that a real thing? She then ruins it all by saying she hasn’t got her parents around. She was brought up by her auntie and would like to even give her ‘a grain of salt’ back. Is that meant to be a good thing, Misha? Kelly mocks Misha for loving Jennifer Hudson. Her version of ‘Fly’ wipes the floor with the other girls, unsurprisingly, but it’s still a bit dull and has some overly done warbly bits. What’s with all these boring arrangements? It has a rap bit in it, of course, although the rap bit is quite good. She’s wearing a ball gown. Love that. Kelly says she loves her, she has some bad habits but doesn’t care. Oh Kelly, please don’t be a sucky mentor. Jennifer Hudson says she wished Misha had pulled out a big note.

Ellie Goulding2 blahs about being from small place and cries a bit about not having confidence. Which might not be what Kelly ROWLAND wants but this show laps that crap up. She’s removed her shoes because she’s a KOOKY MONSTER. Oh no, sorry, because she’s HUMBLE AND GROUNDED. She’s doing ‘Beautiful’ because she’s a SWEET GIRL WHO NEEDS TO EMBRACE HER INNER BEAUTY. If you got through this section without screaming ‘Fuck off’ very loudly you are a better person than I. [Somewhere along the line she morphed from an Ellie Goulding copycat into a direct clone of The Claw. THIS ALIEN BEAST MUST BE STOPPED. - Steve] Kelly loves her. Jennifer Hudson laughs in a ‘you have got to be kidding me way’. Ha. Janet lieterviews that she thinks she’s going home. Kelly and Jennifer Hudson disregard all the filler candidates and put through Adele2, Ellie Goulding2, Misha and Pixie Lott2. They don’t tell us this, but that’s so clearly what happens. Ellie Goulding2 says Kelly is choosing how her life’s going to be. No, love, she’s choosing what you might be doing for the next few weeks. Don’t get melodramatic. Kelly worries about how she’ll tell them no. May I suggest the patented X Factor technique of crying a bit and reading your cue cards about it not being their time yet? Just a suggestion.

Ads. Why are John Lewis using The Kooks as the barometer of cool amongst really geeky looking eleven year olds? Also: Eliza Doolittle must be coining in that advertising revenue.

Louis lies that he has the ‘most talked about category ever on X Factor’. He has this series’ most talked about contestant, but this series hasn’t exactly been setting the press on fire yet, has it? Sinitta is wearing some enormous sunglasses. First up is Johnny, who’s going to take Goldie’s place in the live shows as the comedy contestant. Just a hunch. He reminds us that he lives in a BEDSIT and tells us about how much he loves the big house. I do kind of love Johnny, although I fear for his mental wellbeing knowing what this show will do to him. He fans himself as he says hi to Sinitta. He does a really falsetto version of ‘Love is a Losing Game’. The thing with Johnny is that falsetto works best in a group setting a la the Bee Gees or Scissor Sisters. Perish the thought that this show would do anything interesting with its Frankenbands like put older contestants in them, but that would have worked better. He’s in tune though. Louis worries about whether he’s versatile or not, as if versatility has ever, ever mattered on this show. I’m not sure whether Sam is Michelle McManus2 or Jane McDonald2 so let’s just call her MC² for now. She does a very cruise singer version of the ‘Empire State of Mind’ but doesn’t break into a rap in the middle. Clearly she missed this year’s memo. Louis says she would be reliable and give it 100%. Surely that’s not enough for this show?

Brookstein2 seems to be in the montage of failures, which surprises me. He does ‘Handbags and Gladrags’. Didn’t he already do that, or is my memory playing tricks with me? Louis says ‘voclly he did it’ whatever that means. Carolynne from Fame Academy tells us she’s been trying to make it as a singer but never got past the last hurdle. Bless you, Carolynne, because you’re competent, but there’s a hint there. Joseph does a really boring version of ‘Just the Way You Are’ but dreams of moving out of Moss Side and having children one day if he gets through. I don’t think getting through makes you have children. Goldie Looking Cheung does a Goldie-esque version of ‘On the Floor’, although it’s not as good as her previous performances. She chucks a lace scarf over Sinitta’s head, which might be some form of satirical comment. Sinitta isn’t sure whether or not to be offended. Louis imagines what wonderful staging NotLouis can come up with.

The Soldier is up next. He reminds us how he was rubbish at his audition but got through on virtue of his job. He did ‘Handbags and Gladrags’ apparently. This show is already a homogenous mess in my head. Louis asks him how he prepared. Apparently through listening to the song and reading the lyrics, duh. He reassures Louis that he’s hard working, but really all he needs to say is that he’s a soldier. His performance is better than before but he’s so boring, and he sounds really bored as well. I don’t know this song, but I googled it, and here’s our obligatory *ADELE KLAXON*. We’re even raiding her album tracks now? He loses it in several places, but Louis lies that he got it. He admits he wants him to be better. Who cares how good he is? He’ll be the Sun’s favourite and that’ll get him at least to week seven and a starring role in the obligatory charity single before anyone will notice whether or not he can sing.

Next up is Kitty, our favoured over-25. We have a favourite in every category (well, except the boys, but when was the last time this show had a solo boy worth voting for?), which is rare. Shame we hate everybody else entirely. She warbles too much through ‘Beautiful Disaster’ and cries a bit. Oh Kitty, you know you’re the Katie Waissel contestant this year, don’t fight it. She then remembers her role and chucks herself in the pool. Attagirl. Her eye make-up even stays reasonably intact. Louis thinks she’ll be a nightmare to mentor. There’s the pretence that the decision of who goes and who stays is in any way tense because the editing has already told us who it is. I swear the early series of this show kept you guessing, unlike these last few years. Goldie says that if Louis says yes it’ll be the best thing that ever happened to her, which is clearly not the case if the stories are to be believed. Louis pretends that this show will ever get 20 million viewers.

Ads. Ariel is blue and yellow now? That completely goes against all the laws of branding. Also: WTF is this ‘gambling will save the health service’ bollocks?

Dear TalkTalk advert people. What you are doing surely could be classified as child abuse. Stop it.

Oh no. The boys are still to come. Anyone got a drink? Gary and Robbie are both in the same style of T-shirt, but in clashing shades of blue. Twenty years of boy band grooming and that’s the best they can do?

ArseTat is up next, although I’d like to table the motion that we just call him Arse from now onwards. Robbie calls Gary ‘Baz’. Why does it sound like that’s the nickname he gives him when he’s bullying him, one that he pretends is affectionate, but will send Gary back home to the only friends that understand him, Ben and Jerry? [To my shame, I know that that nickname is from the first round of Take That days - Helen]

Arse does a really breathy version of ‘What’s My Name?’ and he sounds like he’s straining to pass a particularly stiff, er, motion in places. Robbie looks at his hair and says ‘can you remember when we had hair like that?’. I can. It was that time you all went a bit grungy and stopped washing your hair and Howard stayed like that for years. Gary lies that Arse’s voice is better than he remembers, so he likes him even more. Next up is John Wilding. Last year he was a slightly chubby geek with a short buttoned all the way to the top and he didn’t get through. This year he’s been schooled in the art of X Factor twatty styling, his hair looks a little less ginger and we don’t see close-ups of his freckles. My DVR cut off his whole performance, but Borelow thinks he’s a brilliant singer but ‘doesn’t get me in here’ (his heart). Robbie says he doesn’t think he has to, that’s not his job. This makes not a lick of sense.

Robbie and Borelow cheer on Joe, aka Olly2. He wants to ‘live this life exactly as I’m living it now’, which I presume means at the posh house, not as he lives it really. He does a ropey version of ‘Knocking on Heaven’s Door’ and Gary grimaces and says you only need four or five notes to sing that song (and he missed them all). Robbie jokes that he could manage it. Not if your more recent X Factor performances are anything to go by. Next in our parade of losers is James, who sounds like James Blunt 2 and wears a twat hat in the heat. He used to sing with a guitar. We’ve been spared a Journey South memorial guitar of irrelevance then, people. Breathe a sigh of relief. He tells Gary it would have been his comfort blanket. Max Vickers (aka Claw 2??) does ‘The Only Exception’ really badly, with a million notes in the place of each one. It’s horrible. And I really like that song. Robbie says ‘he sings like his mum’s just told him to turn his Xbox off’. Gary says he likes it as ‘it’s an angry song’. No Gary, it isn’t. You dolt. [I'm beginning to fear for Gary's basic comprehension skills. - Steve]

Luke Lucas is up next, and the parade of losers has ended, sorry folks. Still, we at least have the ‘when will his voice break?’ fun to look forward to. He sings Shontelle’s ‘Impossible’ like he’s pro-noun-cing ev-ry sing-le syl-la-ble and he goes massively out of tune and it’s a proper train wreck, but that never stopped Cher and Katie last year. His second attempt is just as bad. This is really, really bad. It sounds exactly like one of the comedy auditions. It’s just so, so horrible. He screeches the higher notes. Robbie and Borelow agree it’s crap but Robbie ‘holds a candle for him’ because of the FIRST AUDITION. I think we’ve been here before – at Cheryl’s judges’ houses last year, for one thing. And with Luke’s sucky performances at Boot Camp for another. You’d think that doing really badly at Boot Camp AND Judges’ Houses would mean they’d go home but that’s not how THIS FUCKING SHOW works now, is it? [I'm sure they could fix it for him to sing Who's Loving You EVERY WEEK - Helen]

Ads. Marc Warren being a tedious sexist bastard. Yuk.

Next up, camp hairdresser Marcus, who did ‘Signed, Sealed, Delivered’ at his audition. He has a mum, WHO IS SINGLE, just like that lovely Leon Jackson. Robbie lies that he remembers him ‘from the show’ and not from the video clips producers probably slung in front of him five minutes ago. He’s doing Embrace’s ‘One Big Family’ although the version covered by Templecloud. It’s OK, but forgettable. Gary’s not sure he can do it ‘night after night’. If this show goes to seven nights a week, I am OUT OF HERE.

Last up is Craig Colton. Most of these boys have the same terrible Bieber-esque hair. You’ll all regret that some time around 2020. He really struggles with ‘Halo’, which is a really dumb choice because it’s an incredibly hard song to sing unless you’re Beyonce. The song completely defeats him, although the chorus is a little better. He puts on some rock affectations which seem out of character but are a bit better than his falsetto. Robbie says nobody had hit him between the chest ‘but that kind of did’. Gary said he doesn’t look like a typical pop star. Why, because he’s overweight? If so, pots and kettles, Mr Borelow. Montage of the boys looking moody as they decide between ArseTat, John, Marcus, Craig and Luke. I’ll make it easy for you: none of them. Gah, this category sucks so hard. Gary says someone seems like they’re ‘from five years ago, from the 90s’. Memo to Gary. The 90s were twenty years ago. You know who was the best male hope from five years ago? Ray Fucking Quinn. I’d rather Arse was hailed as a shining light than go back there.

Gary does the patented Cowell ‘I’m gonna sleep on it’ and lies that it’s a good category.

Tomorrow night! The really obvious answers of who will go through strongly hinted at by the shitty editing are confirmed! But at least Misha, Kitty and 2 Shoes look like they’re in with a shout! Join Helen then.