All Beyonced out

Boot camp fuckery
Tx: 26th September 2010

Last time! Some shit happened! Tonight! More of the same, with added lady judges!

We've got 100 acts left, fighting for a place at judges' "houses". People talk about not knowing what they will do if they don't make it. And Cheryl and Dannii are back! Dannii is looking good, by the way; Cheryl looks an odd colour but healthy.

Titles!

So, we're still in that London, and Dermot's wandering round outside Wembley Arena. He reminds us of the ladies' absence, and introduces Simon, Louis and Our Official Favourite Guest Judge Ever Nicole Scherzinger. Today, the 108 acts (which is not 100) have to go on stage and sing one song out of a list of 40 chosen by the judges.

Oh, here's Katie. Steve hates her, don't you know. She does not Beyonce. She is unbeyonceable. She wants to be a legend and create a legacy and do other things starting with the syllable "leg". [Make legwarmers, pursue legal career, write legibly. - Steve] To be fair to her, she does admit she likes her job as a receptionist, which is infinitely preferable to the usual O NOEZ I HATE WORK bullshit. She sings To Make You Feel My Love quite nicely, trotting up and down the stage like a little billygoat. She needs NotLouis's input. And maybe some roller-skates. She goes off and whispers to Dermot. He kisses her. Bitch.

Diva Fever are camping around on some stairs, and we are reminded of their not-set-up-at-all first audition in which Nicole faghagged to an extent that even I may balk at. They go on stage and have coloured shapes stencilled on their faces, looking a bit like the Play School house has attacked them. They sing Bad Romance, beginning rather weakly but it warms up, and Louis looks utterly confused by the whole thing. He does however deem them "likeable". They squeal about never wanting to stop.

Justin Vanderhyde does a lot of musical theatre. Why would you admit that? Simon will burn you. Twem are crazy about music and do a really rubbish dance routine. (NB, take it as read that everyone is bad at singing unless we state otherwise.) Wagner wants to please others with the sound of his voice. Simon thinks he looks like Louis in a wig. What?

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More people practise. Aiden and his lesbian hair and scarf did an audition that apparently created expectation, but he likes the song he is singing and is looking forward to singing it. He has been working hard with NotLouis, who is wearing a white trilby. NotLouis tells him he is liable to look self-indulgent because he is shit at performing, or something. Aiden goes on stage and tells us he wants to have an imprint on the world. His method for doing this is apparently to cover This Year's Love, while singing with a fucking sidegob. Oh Aiden. He does seem to forget his words. And the tune. And sounds a bit like David Gray channelling a sheep. Nicole mutters that he does not do "good eyes".

And more people practise. Nicole beams at Annastacia, who still looks 30 if she's a day, rather than the 21 she claims to be. Husstle have a bizarre routine to Walk This Way, which must have been choreographed by NotLouis but does not incorporate any seating or glitter, so maybe not. Rebecca demands sympathy from us once more because of her lack of confidence, which apparently began when she became a mum, because becoming a mum young affects your confidence, and now she wants to make sure they have a nice life, and she can do that through singing. Yeah, whatever. Anyway, she sings, and it's affected, warbly, and dull as anything. She looks pretty, though. Simon whispers about it being "a recording voice". Yes, if you have the autotune in the studio. And then he reminds us that she has no confidence. And frankly, I do not give a tiny rat's ass. [She really is the most boring contestant that they're trying to milk - Rad]

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Here is Nicolo, who looks awful and he complains a lot about air conditioning, going in and out of the building, and not sleeping much, and then bemoans the lack of a microphone stand. Whining little gimboid. He is going to sing Life On Mars [I thought the choice of songs at Boot Camp was about 50% more interesting than usual, albeit with 50% the same old schlock - Rad]. But then he might not. Even though it is quite late to change the song, he says. Oh shush. He tells the judges he has wanted to perform since he was in the womb, and then stutters his way through his speech intended to convince them why he would be a good pop star. Credit to him, he can actually sing. As he walks off stage, he grimaces at Dermot. [The entire thing was worth it for this tweet. I love him now. - Steve]

Paije begins his song (To Make You Feel My Love) and misses his top notes. Rather an ambitious choice. Jo Beetlestone has a lovely tone, which is so much unlike her speaking voice it's lolarious. John has a black trilby hat, perhaps the twin of NotLouis's. He would like the residents at the care home where he works to see him "singing [his] little heart out on telly". Aw. And here's Mary Byrne. I'm so over her already.

We're reminded of Gamu's first audition in which she tore the ass out of Walking On Sunshine. It's significantly more shit without autotune. She tells us about her childhood in Zimbabwe and says she wants to be a singer because it's the thing that she's good at, and then changes that to "it's the thing that I love", which is perhaps more factually accurate. She's very pretty, though. She sings that bloody Adele song as well. It's not too bad apart from when she forces from her throat, which happens too frequently for my liking. Louis is so moved that he weeps. Then Gamu cries as Dermot paws at her arm. He then tries to hug her, but she clearly does not want him to touch her in any way, shape or form. (The fool.)

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Right, apparently it is D-Day. Gamu is nervous and cannot eat or sleep. She says she has never seen so many good singers, ever. Fuck knows what she was watching. All the hopefuls lug their cases back to Wembley Arena. Nicole lies that there are "so many talented people". Simon has thoughts. Well, good. The three judges deliberate over the polaroids of their auditionees. Harry Styles has a stupid hat on and should be kicked out just for that. Nicole thinks the girls are the most talented group this year. Cher thinks the competition are amazing, and Nicole comments in passing, "The reason why I like her, she is at least original." Cher? She's derivative of about eight different artists, and not good in the slightest. Mary Byrne says not to go through would be a disaster. Husstle talk about how going through might change their lives. Simon brandishes a banana at Louis (fnar) and says, "They. Can't. Sing." Chloe Mafia is proud of herself for going this far (fnar). Katie would be gutted if she got a no. Princes and Rogues, the world's gayest boyband, mutter platitudes. Simon teases Louis about "loving" some male contestant. Paije reminds us that he has a job he doesn't like. Stephen weeps about waiting a lifetime for this opportunity. I note that someone is called 'Vicky Jackson', which is the name of a character from Topsy and Tim. Bloody Rebecca cries a-sodding-gain. Last night, Storm dreamt he went to Manderley Madonna tried to eat him (fnar). Simon waves the pic of Storm at Louis and Nicole saying, "He's AN IDIOT." Like that's ever stopped anyone on this show.

But wait! What is this? Can it be A SHOCK TWIST? Why, yes, I believe it can!

Nicole: Simon, why do you have a cut-off age of 25?
Louis: It's just...a rule that had to be there. (Nicole utterly ignores his existence)

Anyway, Nicole wants to shove a couple of the over-25s into the boys' category. Nicole felt that category didn't make sense because "there are a couple of young people in there competing with 50-year-olds." But...that would be the point of the show? Oh, I don't fucking know any more. [I would get this twist more if, as last year, the Over-25s had a lot of good people in it - not that any of them made the live shows - but when Mary is your best shot of those over 28, then... yeah - Rad]

So they tell the acts that there's now an over-28 category, and that eight acts will go through to judges' houses this year, which is something to do with Cheryl and Dannii not being there. What? That makes NO SENSE AT ALL. All the acts enthuse about these tweaks to the rules.

And now it is the MOMENT OF TRUTH. Girls through are: Katie; Raquel; Keri; Treyc (who screams); Annastasia (which makes Nicole cry); Rebecca (who cries again, of course); Cher (who's fucking awful, in case you overlooked that); and Gamu (who looks like she's been beaten with a metal cosh). Simon thanks the other girls, as they cry with disappointment. Nicole sobs too: "You'll never have me back. I'm a freakin' mess. I suck at this."

Old people through: Stephen, Yuli, Storm, Wagner, Justin, John, and Mary. Which is seven. Which is not eight. What? I mean, what? [The rumour I heard? The missing eighth person who got through was Shirlena, who was subsequently quietly edited out of boot camp entirely for being a mental. - Steve]

Groups through: Twem, The Reason, Diva Fever (who screech and fall to their knees), FYD, Princes and Rogues, Husstle. Which is six. Which is also not eight. (But there's a reason for this. Can you guess what it is yet?)

Boys through: John (and his straw hat), Nicolo (who thinks he may have an aneurysm), Paije, Aiden, Marlon, Carl, Matt and Tom (who looks even less like a pop star than Eoghan QUIGG did). Harry weeps on his scarf.

And mysteriously, the judges call back some of the boys and girls. What do you think they might say? Well, who'd have known, they ask them to become a boy band and a girl band and enter the groups categories. Because that has worked so well and successfully previously. [And also, some of those boys really didn't seem like they'd mesh together vocally. The girls were all very anonymous so that might work in their favour. They seemed to gloss over how they kept adding people to Husstle as well - Rad]

Much rejoicing ensues for everyone. But if you thought that was the end, no such luck - we have to now wait to find out who's mentoring whom. And we also have to wait for Dermot to recap what we've just seen over the previous hour, of course. Simon's in London, Louis in Dublin IN IRELAND WHERE HE IS FROM, Cheryl's in LA and Dannii is in...all of Australia, apparently. [I did like the suggestion that Dannii lives in Sydney Opera House. That is now canon as far as I'm concerned. - Steve] She says she was gutted to miss the auditions because she feels out of the loops. Louis would love to get the boys this year. Hmm. Cheryl thinks she might get the groups. Simon thinks the girls are the strongest. Dannii wants the winning category. HA.

They all sit around looking at their mobiles. Dannii's phone rings first, and the producer tells her we're looking forward to her coming back. TRUE FACT. She's mentoring the boys. She was not expecting that, but she is happy. Cheryl's phone rings next. She answers it tentatively. She is mentoring the girls. Louis whinges about the possibility of getting the old people, because that would be a lot of work. Tosser. And of course, he has the over 28s, while Simon gets the groups. Louis sobs. Simon makes the producer repeat what he just said, and then whines, "Thank you for repaying all of my hard work on the show this year." [If your hard work was the level of phoning it in you've been doing this series and for the past several series of this and American Idol, it's more than you deserve, Simon - Rad] Although he is consoled a little by the knowledge that Louis has the old people. "They don't turn up at the auditions, and they get the boys and the girls!" wails Simon of the lady judges, and concludes, "Stitch-up." Oh, gentleman judges, stay classy.

Next week! Judges' non-homes! And Sharon fucking Osbourne, the least successful mentor in X-Factor history! Join us then!