I said ROCK, not SHOCK

ROCK week \m/
Tx: 31st October, 2009

Right, children, there's a hell of a lot of rubbish to watch tonight, so let's begin, shall we? The voiceover man recaps last week for us - big band, competition, backflips, sparkles, actress, bitching, cheating, twins. All you really need to know is that Danyl and Miss Frank were the bottom two, and the girls left.

This week! Mad teenage girls have gone to Golders Green to stalk the twins in the X Factor house. Tonight! Our remaining acts will "sing" "ROCK" "songs"! The judges, by the way, are all proud of their acts, and think they could win. Dermot stomps out on to the stage doing the devil-horn fingers thing, and welcomes us to our "X-Fictor weekend" which apparently starts here. He warns us that we should be scared. I already am.

Here are the judges. I really have no idea what Cheryl is wearing. It looks like she has two dinner plates over each breast. Dannii is sitting on the end tonight, so the panel looks like a dinner party of exemplary etiquette with its girl-boy seating pattern.

First up tonight is Joe, who doesn't know how Simon expects him to have had Latin flair last week with Sway because he is FROM SOUTH SHIELDS. He is worried by the media attention and also by rock week. Louis and Simon don't think Joe will be able to sing rock. Cheryl is all bolshy and promises that he will. Joe is realistic about the possibility that he might totally cock up.

He's singing Don't Stop Believing, and weirdly, it does kind of work. He does have a lovely voice. He tries to work the crowd a bit and keeps scrunching his nose in an attempted sneer. Then two dancers wander on and begin to do an interpretative routine. Please take this as a warning - I've looked ahead and NotLouis is on fine crack-addled form this week.

Dannii says his voice is exceptional, and he is a star. She loved seeing him work the crowd because he looked comfortable and they love him. Louis was won over - "the little boy has become a man." Ew. Simon says that Joe is consistent; "a little bit limp and stage-schooly" (this from the man who championed Ray Quinn), and then mocks the dancers, which is fair enough. Joe tries to pretend he's not laughing. Cheryl snaps that Simon doesn't appreciate contemporary dance. [I love her a little bit for saying that with an entirely straight face. - Steve] She begins giving her comments, and then Simon interrupts to tell her to sit up. She is all wide-eyed and outraged, and then hoicks her boobs up. Dermot reckons the panel was "a literal love-in". Literally not, Dermy.

Next is Lucie, who was accused of singing like an actress last week, and is still upset. She thought she performed really well last week, and then we are reminded of Simon's comment which we saw TEN SECONDS AGO. Simon VTs that he didn't kill a puppy. Lucie says she doesn't sing rock, but Dannii is sure a rock chick is inside her. Insert joke here. Lucie is adamant that Simon will change his mind about her, and he points out that it's the public she needs to think about impressing.

She's lying on a sofa with headphones. Why does she have headphones, please? [For a minute I thought she was on the phone, and wondered if she was voting for Jedward. - Steve] However, I am delighted to note that NotLouis's eclectic seating collection has returned to the show. She's singing Sweet Child O' Mine and she too is scrunching her nose up. On first listen, I liked this; on repeat viewing, it's really not that good in the verses, though she's decent in the chorus and when she gets to move into the upper register.

Louis says Lucie is versatile, consistent and professional, and owed an apology from Simon. Cheryl started to think that jazz was Lucie's direction last week, but now she thinks Lucie could be like Avril Lavigne. Simon says that Lucie was boring last week, which was frustrating to him, because she was too old-fashioned and not relevant. Simon, it was FUCKING BIG BAND WEEK. You remember, the one where you normally make people sing that hip, contemporary number Mack The Knife. Dannii was taken aback by the rockiness is Lucie's voice, and is proud and happy.

Time for the first old person - Danyl. Last week he was in the bottom two even though he and Simon both thought he was amazing. He was very upset; Simon was shocked. Danyl weeps about letting everyone down, and the nasty press that he's got - "Someone posted on Twitter that I was more hated than Hitler." He is wondering whether it's all worth it. NotLouis has told him to stop being such a whiny little bitch. Cheryl says that he's not connected with the audience, and Louis says Simon's attempts to force the audience to like him have failed so far.

Danyl begins singing I Don't Want To Miss A Thing, and has totally failed to pick up the notes he should be singing from the string-laden backing track. It's embarrassing. When it gets all loud and overblown, he realises what he should be singing. He's standing behind the mic, hands in pockets, and he looks like a sulky child who's had his wrists slapped for stealing sweets. It's dull, over-earnest and a too-obvious attempt to show a more "human" Danyl. Oh, and there's a key change.

Dannii tells him not to be a whiny little bitch and that wasn't his natural performance. Louis claims that The X Factor is a talent show. It SO isn't. He then quotes lines from That's Life to tell him not to be a whiny little bitch. Cheryl says it was uncomfortable to watch Danyl, because he's being a whiny little bitch. Simon says that when Danyl is confident, people think he's cocky, and when he's not, people complain. He adds that negative media is horrible but if you're in the spotlight, you have to suck it up and not be a whiny little bitch. Danyl whines some more, and Dermot sympathises with being compared to Hitler. [On TWITTER. A little perspective here, please. - Steve]

Last week, Lloyd did a backflip, and was excited to have 35 musicians playing for him. Louis wants to do a boyband with Lloyd; "I was a bit offended by that, like," says Lloyd. He thinks it is mad the amount of attention he's got. Yes. Cheryl says this week Lloyd has a young, cool song to sing, but it is for a girl, not a boy. And I think we've been here before.

Oh. Dear. Me. Lloyd Kissed A Girl, and he liked it [and he hoped her boyfriend didn't mind it. Missed opportunity for some mad gender-bending lyrics, there - Rad]. He's on a throne, being spun round by two besuited men in top hats. NotLouis is on FIRE. Not literally on fire. Though I wouldn't put that past him at some point. Lloyd is really very poor vocally. Dannii diplomatically says that Lloyd was drowned out by the backing vocals. Louis says that being in a boyband is a COMPLIMENT. Except not. Then he carps on about Katy Perry being pop, not rock. Simon mocks Louis's jobsworthness, and then declares that performance was a million times better than last week. Simon says that if Louis were in charge, Lloyd would sing My Way every week, and Louis cites Robson and Jerome as evidence that Simon is a big misery with no contemporary sense. They continue to bicker until Cheryl shouts at the pair of them. Then Dermot decides to get in on the act and tell Louis to shut up.

Stacey was nervous before she sang last week, and Simon told her to learn performance skills. Dannii thinks Simon is a fool. Stacey isn't comfortable on stage and doesn't know what she's doing, she confesses. And so the way round that is to go to NotLouis for a masterclass in performance.

She is draped across various packing boxes (which aren't strictly seats, but are close enough) and singing Somewhere Only We Know. Which isn't really rock. But there we go. It's fine, for a really quite boring song, and her high notes are beautiful. Louis says he liked everything apart from the song choice. Cheryl loves the song choice, and Simon thinks Stacey's walking was an X Factor miracle. Dannii loved it, obviously, and demands that we all vote for Stacey. Dermot talks to Stacey about her outfit - "I breathed! And I walked!"

Jamie Afro was disappointed with last week - apparently he doesn't like doing things averagely. Wow, life must be one HUGE disappointment for him, then. Simon is sure that this week is a great one for Jamie. Jamie is worried about the Pressure Of Expectation. Personally I'm not expecting that much. Neither is Louis. I am fearful when Louis and I agree. Jamie wails that it is "almost too much to bear". Oh, shut up, you whiny little bitch. Why has Simon got SO MANY WHINY LITTLE BITCHES in his category?

Ah. Jamie is singing Rocks Off. Complete with pole dancers and dreadful diction. [And, weirdly, he is allowed to sing the "bitches keep a-bitching" line, which makes me laugh. Sadly no "clap just keeps a-itchin" though - Rad] ["Bitches keep on bitching" was clearly an official endorsement of this blog from the show, and I refuse to believe otherwise. - Steve] Simon is singing along. Jamie is clicking his fingers. It's all a bit blah and just the same kind of stuff that Jamie always does. Dannii says that if Simon really wants artists to be contemporary, he'd have picked a contemporary song for Jamie. Louis says Jamie is unoriginal and like a Lenny Kravitz impersonator, and then says, in one of the most bizarre sentences EVER on The X Factor, "In the words of Kerrang! and NME, you're not a real rocker." Cheryl thinks it is weird that the show's first rock week has come in a series when Simon has a rock singer in his category [Ha! I loved that. I've not been a big fan of Cheryl's lately, but she's well on course to winning me back at this rate. - Steve], but she thought it was comfortable. Simon asks her if she is accusing him of picking the week "deliberately" - "NOT AT ALL," she deadpans - and then says that Louis has never been in a pub, only wine bars. Simon thought Jamie was authentic; Louis disagrees; and then they're back in their stupid fighting groove. [Note that Simon is all "it's rock week, what was he supposed to sing?", having apparently missed the enormous contradiction that brings relating to his comments to Lucie last week. - Steve]

Dermot lies that we are loving rock night, and then Dannii introduces Rachel. She was scared last week, when she pretended she was Stacey in order to fake a personality. Dannii is excited about this week, when Rachel is going to sing a U2 ballad beautifully. Oh, she's going to sing One, isn't she? Yes, yes, she is. It's fine. Just I don't like the song. Still, Louis thinks she made it her own and it was the most emotional performance of the entire night. Cheryl talks about Mary J Blige a bit. Simon says that he liked the last third of the song but Dannii is trying to turn Rachel into her, with the hair and the dress. "She tried to get the hair like yours but there wasn't enough hairspray!" snorts Dannii, and then everyone laughs at Simon, including Simon, to be fair. Dannii thought it was an amazing performance, of course.

And now. John and Edward. There is booing already. Cheryl called them a guilty pleasure last week, when they banged. They thought last week was their best performance. "Best" is such a relative term, isn't it? The twins have realised that they will never please Simon. Louis is gleeful because the public love them so much and the media attention is scaring Simon. The twin on the right says, "I think rock week is John and Edward's week," and that's really weird because it's like he's talking about different entities, but he's obviously using it as a group name rather than their own names, and...oh, holy hell. They've just lifted the instrumental version of We Will Rock You from 5ive's single (complete with J yelling HAHA!) and are FUCKING DREADFUL. I miss 5ive. Oh, noooooooooooo, and then they miss out the bit that says, "AND IT DON'T STOP" (after "as long as 5ive bring the funk Queen bring the rock"), meaning they start the next verse too early and it's a hot mess.

Dannii says it was scary and they needed a satnav to find their way back to where they were supposed to be. Cheryl seems to be a little at a loss, but tries to be positive. Simon thought it was like the night of the living dead and possibly destroyed Queen's career forever. Not so much. Louis loved it, obviously. Dermot tries to say John and Edward do really well with the routines. Louis thanks NotLouis for all his hard work. Then Dermot gives out the number and says, really oddly, "Don't worry if you don't have the number, it's on Simon's speed dial." But - we haven't all got Simon's phone, have we? So if we wanted to vote for them, that would be no help?

Dermot lies that it is sad that the night is nearly over, and indeed Simon picks him up on it. Now it is time for Olly, who apparently knows what sort of artist he should be now. He is singing a song by those new, contemporary artists the Beatles. Louis and Dannii fear that he will come unstuck. Olly doesn't want to lose his personality, but would like to be more edgy, and he hopes everyone at home will like that.

Hmm, he is singing Come Together and there are girls writhing around on a perspex tables. It's serviceable, but it's not a very difficult song. And fucking fuck, he rips his shirt open at the end. Why? WHY? Dannii liked it. Louis thinks he is a dark horse, and is always getting better. He predicts that Olly will be in the final three. Is there anyone Louis DOESN'T think will be in the final three? Cheryl talks about Olly rehearsing ripping his shirt open, and there is something SO wrong about having to practise presumably rock'n'roll moves like that. [He NEEDS to stop dancing. He terrifies me - Rad]

And that is IT. Dermot invites us to vote, but frankly I couldn't care less. Join Rad tomorrow for the results!