Frankly my dears...

Yesterday! There was "big band" nonsense and a lot of bitching! Tonight, another one of these losers will be going home. Yes folks, it's TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC.

Dermot welcomes us by doing some of his 'trademark' silly dancing, and whilst this may have come across vaguely sweetly on BBLB many, many years ago, now he just feels like the ITV Brucie. Or Rather Tess.

Dermot tells us that Sunday night's got explosive: cue pyrotechnics. Interesting point here - my brother knows someone who works in pyrotechnics. Since that curtain of fireworks thingy they did on this show last year, all anyone who has ordered pyrotechnics has wanted is that curtain of fireworks thingy 'like on The X Factor'. Such is the scary power of this show. [I'd take a million curtains of fireworks over Cheryl's bobbins single being number one. - Steve]

He tells us to welcome the biggest selling UK band of the decade, then quickly blurts out that it's Westlife before we get shocked by the sight of Coldplay or something. I'm not sure if his comment means in terms of UK record sales, or includes worldwide. I'm assuming the former, but who knows, the world is a scary place in THESE TROUBLED TIMES, after all.

We welcome back our judges: Louis looks chirpy and kind of young with his 'new look' and his hair tousled and slightly trendy shirt undone. Dannii has a croissant on her head. Cheryl is wearing a silver robot-meets 80s-power-suit outfit. Simon is Simon.

The joy of the group song is next, and they're doing Alphabeat's Fascination. Again, they've pre-recorded the vocals to avoid week-one style car crashes with the vocals. However, it's been so over-processed in studio the only place you could make out who was singing if you weren't looking was John and Edward doing the speaky 'the word is on your lips' bit. They're all dressed in black and white, and mostly look fine, though Stacey wears a dress that's way too big for her. This is one of the most bouncy songs I know, yet there is no energy in vocals whatsoever - they're supposed to sound excited, but they sound bored. The dancing is energetic, though, and there are some pyrotechnics, so at least my brother's friend will be kept in work for the foreseeable.

Then we have a very long recap of yesterday, and if you want one of those you can merely look a bit further down the page. Although! Simon believes Danyl "won the night". Hahahahahahaha is all I'm saying. He also believes Louis was being a pissy little shit for telling Jamie off for doing U2 despite the fact he'd have done THE EXACT SAME THING if it were the other way round. Oh, and we get to revisit the HORROR of those inflatable thingies John and Edward have on stage with them. Yeah, thanks for that, NotLouis.

Anyway, it's Westlife, and for once ITVPlayer's fast-forward button works. I'm assuming they didn't say anything of note. [They just covered a DAUGHTRY song, and no, I don't know what any of us did to deserve that. - Steve]

We come back and big up Alexandra being number 1 in the albums chart and Cheryl being number 1 in the singles chart. Dermot accuses Louis of being a grumpy old man last night, which, compared to Simon: notsomuch. Oh, and lucky us! It's time for Mickey Bubbles! I catch the end and he does a dramatic bit with his head being thrown down and I thus now blame him for Danyl as much as I blame him for Leon Jackson. [Mickey Bubbles has a nice voice. I don't understand why he kept wandering away from the mic, though. - Carrie] Sorry for not watching our SPECIAL GUESTS tonight, but a) I have bronchitis and don't have the energy, and b) It's Westlife and Mickey Bubbles. So, you know, who cares?

Unlike our previous special guests, he has been reading his notes on The Party Line and was impressed with 'everybody'. Dermot pushes him to single someone out and he chooses Rachel.

Ads, and the tedious business of getting everyone up on the stage.

Anyway, safe are: Stacey, Olly, Rachel (who screams like crazy and causes Simon to pull an 'uh-oh' face as well he might), Joe, Lucie (making Dannii BEST MENTOR EVER and pissing Simon who wants a male winner RIGHT off), John and Edward, Jamie and... Lloyd.

This means poor old Miss Frank are in the bottom two against Simon's chosen one, so we all know it's a foregone conclusion, but HA! Maybe Simon needs to back a different horse after all. Or, you know, choose some different songs like he's always telling everyone else to do. We are ALL pig sick of 'Feelin' Good' and 'And I Am Telling You'.

Ads: What the hell is this Coronation Street: Romanian Holiday DVD thing, and who would buy it?

Louis, knowing he's doomed, introduces Miss Frank as three girls singing their hearts out to stay in the competition. Now, they could do the best performance ever, and Danyl could simply burp into a mic and we'd still all know who'd be leaving. They're singing 'Love Don't Live Here Anymore'. My TLC dream is dead. It sounds perfectly fine (although it's a boring song) but they look pretty uncomfortable up there. As they get into it they look more confident but sound a bit more screechy. Not that any of this matters.

Louis stands up to applaud them, knowing full well he got shafted again by having the groups category.

Simon says he wasn't expecting to say this, but 'welcome back Danyl'. And he's not very welcome, but seeing him in the sing-off is still tantalising. He's singing 'With a Little Help From My Friends' and it's as DRAMATIC! and SHOUTY! and OVERBLOWN! as we'd all expect, and he does a horrible bit where he sinks to his knees them smiles at his own brilliance. Then he nearly puts the 'you and you and you, you're gonna love me' bit from 'And I Am Telling You' into it as if he hadn't over-egged this pudding enough. Then he does all the whooping and wailing and punching and other gimmicks we have become accustomed to, and it's just horrible.

Louis can't believe these two acts are in the bottom and thinks it's 'unfair', which is one thing it isn't. He sends home Danyl, of course. Simon says he has never, ever been so surprised in his life and he's never ever heard anyone go out on such a high if it's Danyl's last performance, and he thinks it's a joke Danyl's in the bottom two. Simon still hasn't quite got the hang of this 'public mood' thing, has he? Anyway, he saves Danyl. Dannii does, too, wary of being the wicked witch again. Cheryl is 'confused' by the public's decision so sends Danyl home to go to deadlock. [I loved that total logic bypass Cheryl experienced right there. "I think the public made the wrong decision, therefore I am going to deliberately not use the power that I have been given to overrule just such an occurrence and hand that power back to the public. Whose decision making I just said I didn't agree with." Um, okay then. - Steve] If Danyl went out, this would be the most awesome moment EVER, but, the act leaving us are... Miss Frank. As we suspected.

Miss Frank's best bits: a mishmash of being awesome and never quite living up to that awesome.

Dermot says, 'Whoever was going home tonight would have been a bit of a shock.' Well, I'm guessing not if it was Olly, Rachel or Lloyd, but hey. Louis says he hopes they stay together as a group. Dermot asks if they will. They say they are going to have their own factor, which makes no sense.

Still, 'Louis's most successful X Factor Group' (apart from G4 in the series that never happened), JLS, are here next week, along with Bon Jovi, of all the random guests. Join us then!