Tag! Who's It?

Tx: 20th September 2009

Over the last few weeks, people have sung! So, so few of them have been even tolerable, let alone good! Tonight, the auditions draw to a close, thank fuck!

Titles!

Dermot tells lies about the competence of the auditionees so far and the scale of the audition process. The judges arrive in shiny cars; Louis reckons they've already seen "great talent"; Simon reckons they all want the over-25s [To be fair, that does seem the best category. Also: I suggest they split that category into male and female next year and dump the groups onto BGT seeing as groups never win anyway - Rad]; Dannii isn't feeling competitive - yet. There's some weird bit of filler about Louis doing press-ups, but no need to revisit that particular nightmare.

Pub singers Them Two (Them2?) began performing together two years ago, and want to increase their popularity "to the world" and be as big as Robson and Jerome. This made me laugh audibly. Not as much as their performance of One Love, which breaks into a dirgelike harmony at the chorus. Simon looks fed up, and finally tells them it was terrible. The boys are surprised. It's a no from all four judges, obviously.

One bad audition buys many more. Faye, 16, with a itsy-bitsy voice, tries to sing You Know I'm No Good. Simon says everything was wrong, even though he likes her. Terry is asked what is the most interesting thing about him - it is that he was shot by his brother [Note: this was a "hilarious" anecdote rather than a sob story. The background music told me so - Rad] . He sings; Simon asks if he was singing just before his brother shot him. Jarrod, 36, dances like a puppet with the strings cut, and proceeds to remove his clothes, much to the horror of the panel.

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Ooh, now we're in That London. There's plinky guitar music to introduce Daniel FROM ONE TRUE VOICE. Will Louis recognise him? Will Cheryl? Will it be Nikk from Phixx revisited? Daniel now thinks the most important thing in his life is his family. He has a couple of very cute kids. (I'm saying this, not him, though probably he thinks they are cute too.) Cheryl and Louis pretend they are surprised to see Daniel. Cheryl has a little chat with him; Louis tries to make him cry, and Daniel says that he knows it is a challenge, but he thinks he is up for it. He sings Kiss From A Rose. Cheryl does that squinty-eyed thing she does when she is assessing something seriously. His high notes are a bit iffy. Apart from that, it's nice. Louis does not like his mohican hair. Nor do I. Simon says that Daniel nailed that song, and it must have been awkward for him to come back and audition. Four yeses, much screaming. Hooray! My friend I am watching with says: "If his baby dies during the series, he'll win." Ouch.

One good audition buys more. Despina does some appalling melisma, but is still applauded; Nicole, 18, has a dream to be "a performer" - she switches key while singing acapella Think Twice but goes through anyway; Cheryl thinks one of girl duo Siren looks like Leona; Graziella looks like she'll be comedy with a tattoo on her arm and puffball skirt, but she's actually pretty good.

Lauren and Nathan are a duo of cousins, and they cannot compare themselves to anyone, because they are unique. Their name is Casyr, which stands for Care And Support Your Relatives. Oh. Fuck. They have 32 relatives backstage. Simon really doesn't understand the name. Lauren is sulking already, with her arm slung across her waist. She's about a foot taller than her cousin, who's a year older than her. They sing No Air - very, very badly. Simon suggests a new name for the group - Caring Relatives Are Problematic. HA. They reckon they'll come back next year, and they'd like to see Simon get on stage and sing in front of 2,000 people. SIGH.

Ads. Thank fuck.

Simon mocks Steve Lee for wanting to call his debut album When You Believe, and then singing When You Believe. Steve clearly thinks he is highly talented. He is not. [Oi! - Steve] The judges are all horrid to him. Four shakes of the head.

One bad audition buys more. Melody is poorly named. Bodybuilder Michael takes his shirt off. Dannii looks like Sally Bowles. Paula has spent £600 on singing lessons. This was not a good investment. Simon says he will give her all the money back. Bless. I hope he does.

Scott is 21, and when he was 13 he was diagnosed with a form of autism, which has made it hard for him to leave his house for the past seven years. Now he is going to audition for The X Factor, which I think is the obvious next step in recovery. He goes on to the stage and declares that he has a dream. That sounds awfully familiar. [Yo Scott! I'm happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but Martin Luther King had one of the greatest dreams of all time! - Kanye West] Anyway, he sings You Raise Me Up to a fucking awful backing track, and he's actually good. Then he does a key change, which makes me do a happy dance of merriment. But this makes me sad because he will go through but he will not win and he will be crushed. The judges enthuse, as you would expect. Simon demands to meet Scott's singing teacher, who comes out and cries and hugs him. They hold hands as they walk off stage for more group hugging. [This was the point where this series broke me, because I thought he was deeply average, and I just can't cope with all this mediocre karaoke being peddled as the second coming. - Steve]

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Back to old Eileen who tried to get off with Simon while caterwauling The Wonder Of You, and got a second chance. She leches a bit more over Simon, and marches back out on stage to declare that she is going to sing The Wonder Of You again, with a CD. She then tells Simon that she could show him a thing or two. Everyone laughs. She knows she's not going through, but she takes rejection well, telling Simon that he has made an old lady very happy.

Now "the yeses come thick and fast". This is the most overused voiceover line in this show. Two security guards from Harrods sing End Of The Road; True Colours think they're good enough for The X Factor. which is the funniest and truest thing I have ever heard on this show (oh, I should have known - Trucolourz) [Also: Simon made this amazing face when they said this like he was partly insulted but he was also a bit impressed because it was true and a kickass retort. Best moment of the night. - Rad] [Indeed. Trucolourz FTW! - Steve]; Project A are another girl group singing Just Dance; Daniel sings Somewhere from West Side Story and is bound to get kicked out with the words "too Broadway"; Rachel got kicked out last year but she admits that was the right decision because now she doesn't suffer with nerves. She DOES suffer with too much ill-advised belt, but nobody thinks to point that out.

Amy is a 22-year-old personal trainer from Gateshead, and she is auditioning because Cheryl inspires her. Oh dear. Still, Cheryl is all happy to have someone from her neck of the woods singing, so that's something. Amy sings Fallin' - the beginning cadenza is awful, and the backing track is cheap and nasty, and the whole performance is nasal and affected. Cheryl says she looks like a pop star but the song was too big for her; Louis agrees. Simon says she has a good voice, not a great one. Amy begins to cry. Cheryl tells her not to (in a nice way, not a telling-off way). Simon tells her to think about the right song to sing, and Amy reveals she nearly sang a Girls Aloud song. Everyone applauds. Simon asks Amy to sing that then. DO YOU THINK THIS WILL BE BETTER, EVERYONE? Amy says she is worried she might forget the words. Cheryl says, "I'll help you!" In fact, the Girls Aloud song she wants to sing is I'll Stand By You, which is not a Girls Aloud song so much as a Pretenders one, and she blubs and forgets the words, so Cheryl goes on stage to help her. Oh, fail. They dance, and Cheryl tells her, "Go for this big bit, right?" Cheryl holds her hand and sways back and forth and this is bloody terrible. [And worse than the first song she did - Rad] Make it stop now please. AND THEN SHE GETS FOUR YESES. This fucking show. [Good job NATIONAL BLOODY TREASURE CHERYL COLE was there to fix everything. I actually hate this show for how much it's made me hate Cheryl, whom I previously liked very much. - Steve]

Ads! How much sodding longer?

16-year-old Curtis gets to meet Dermot; a few years ago, he Got Into Trouble (not pregnant, criminal trouble) and is on a tag. He has been in and out of care, and he has a brother Who Is Dead. [Hooray! He's like Rachel Hylton, ZombiEmily and any number of DeadRelativeContestants rolled into one - Rad] He admits that he's been an idiot, and now he wants to make himself proud. If I didn't have a cold, dead heart, I would cry at this point. Cheryl asks what his motivation is; Curtis says that he wants people to hear his music. Simon asks what he's been doing over the past 12 months; he lists all the things he's done, including "chill with girls", and at that he waggles his eyebrows at Dannii. Then he gets bored with this cross-examination, which is fair enough, and demands, "OK, let me sing now." He does, singing Let Me Love You, and when he finishes he asks, "Did you like it?" Cheryl likens him to a man convicted of domestic violence. Or maybe that wasn't what she meant. Simon has a little tete-a-tete with him about his attitude, telling him, "If you don't want to be here, you can go." But Simon tells him that he likes him, and needs to listen to what people say and work with them. Curtis admits that he has a problem with that. Simon says he's one of the most current artists in the audition process so far, and he gets four yeses. Hooray!

A nonsensically long montage of the previous month's worth of auditions, and that's it. Thank fuck. Join us next week for boot camp!